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Title: The Making of Americans Author: Gertrude Stein * A Project Gutenberg of Australia eBook * eBook No.: 1600671h.html Language: English Date first posted: May 2016 Most recent update: May 2016 Project Gutenberg of Australia eBooks are created from printed editions which are in the public domain in Australia, unless a copyright notice is included. We do NOT keep any eBooks in compliance with a particular paper edition. Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing this file. This eBook is made available at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg Australia Licence which may be viewed online.
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(Section numbers have been added by the producer of this ebook, to indicate major section headings, which were indicated by the start of a new page in the paper book and sometimes with a heading name. It seems that the table of contents and the heading names in square brackets, which did not appear in the paper book, were added to the 1995 edition.)
01. [The Dehnings and the Herslands]
02. [The Hersland Parents]
03. [Mrs. Hersland and the Hersland
Children]
04. Martha Hersland
05.
06. Alfred Hersland and Julia Dehning
07.
08. David Hersland
09.
10. History of a Family's Progress
Once an angry man dragged his father along the ground through his own orchard. "Stop!" cried the groaning old man at last, "Stop! I did not drag my father beyond this tree."
It is hard living down the tempers we are born with. We all
begin well, for in our youth there is nothing we are more
intolerant of than our own sins writ large in others and we fight
them fiercely in ourselves; but we grow old and we see that these
our sins are of all sins the really harmless ones to own, nay that
they give a charm to any character, and so our struggle with them
dies away.
It has always seemed to me a rare privilege, this, of being an American, a real American, one whose tradition it has taken scarcely sixty years to create. We need only realise our parents, remember our grandparents and know ourselves and our history is complete.
The old people in a new world, the new people made out of the old, that is the story that I mean to tell, for that is what really is and what I really know.
Some of the fathers we must realise so that we can tell our story really, were little boys then, and they came across the water with their parents, the grandparents we need only just remember. Some of these our fathers and our mothers, were not even made then, and the women, the young mothers, our grandmothers we perhaps just have seen once, carried these our fathers and our mothers into the new world inside them, those women of the old world strong to bear them. Some looked very weak and little women, but even these so weak and little, were strong always, to bear many children.
These certain men and women, our grandfathers and grandmothers, with their children born and unborn with them, some whose children were gone ahead to prepare a home to give them; all countries were full of women who brought with them many children; but only certain men and women and the children they had in them, to make many generations for them, will fill up this history for us of a family and its progress.
Many kinds of all these women were strong to bear many children.
One was very strong to bear them and then always she was very strong to lead them.
One was strong to bear them and then always she was strong to suffer with them.
One, a little gentle weary woman was strong to bear many children, and then always after she would sadly suffer for them, weeping for the sadness of all sinning, wearying for the rest she knew her death would bring them.
And then there was one sweet good woman, strong just to bear many children, and then she died away and left them, for that was all she knew then to do for them.
And these four women and the husbands they had with them and the children born and unborn in them will make up the history for us of a family and its progress.
Other kinds of men and women and the children they had with them, came at different times to know them; some, poor things, who never found how they could make a living, some who dreamed while others fought a way to help them, some whose children went to pieces with them, some who thought and thought and then their children rose to greatness through them, and some of all these kinds of men and women and the children they had in them will help to make the history for us of this family and its progress.
These first four women, the grandmothers we need only just
remember, mostly never saw each other. It was their children and
grandchildren who, later, wandering over the new land, where they
were seeking first, just to make a living, and then later, either
to grow rich or to gain wisdom, met with one another and were
married, and so together they made a family whose progress we are
now soon to be watching.
We, living now, are always to ourselves young men and women. When we, living always in such feeling, think back to them who make for us a beginning, it is always as grown and old men and women or as little children that we feel them, these whose lives we have just been thinking. We sometimes talk it long, but really, it is only very little time we feel ourselves ever to have being as old men and women or as children. Such parts of our living are little ever really there to us as present in our feeling. Yes; we, who are always all our lives, to ourselves grown young men and women, when we think back to them who make for us a beginning, it is always as grown old men and women or as little children that we feel them, such as them whose lives we have just been thinking.
Yes it is easy to think ourselves and our friends, all our lives as young grown men and women, indeed it is hard for us to feel even when we talk it long, that we are old like old men and women or little as a baby or as children. Such parts of our living are never really there to us as present, to our feeling.
Yes we are very little children when we first begin to be to ourselves grown men and women. We say then, yes we are children, but we know then, way inside us, we are not to ourselves real as children, we are grown to ourselves, as young grown men and women. Nay we never know ourselves as other than young and grown men and women. When we know we are no longer to ourselves as children. Very little things we are then and very full of such feeling. No, to be feeling ourselves to be as children is like the state between when we are asleep and when we are just waking, it is never really there to us as present to our feeling.
And so it is to be really old to ourselves in our feeling; we are weary and are old, and we know it in our working and our thinking, and we talk it long, and we can see it just by looking, and yet we are a very little time really old to ourselves in our feeling, old as old men and old women once were and still are to our feeling. No, no one can be old like that to himself in his feeling. No it must be always as grown and young men and women that we know ourselves and our friends in our feeling. We know it is not so, by our saying, but it must be so always to our feeling. To be old to ourselves in our feeling is a losing of ourselves like just dropping off into sleeping. To be awake, we must have it that we are to ourselves young and grown men and women.
To be ourself like an old man or an old woman to our feeling must be a horrid losing-self sense to be having. It must be a horrid feeling, like the hard leaving of our sense when we are forced into sleeping or the coming to it when we are just waking. It must be a horrid feeling to have such a strong sense of losing, such a feeling as being to ourselves like children or like grown old men and women. Perhaps to some it is a gentle sense of losing some who like themselves to be without a self sense feeling, but certainly it must be always a sense of self losing in each one who finds himself really having a very young or very old self feeling.
Our mothers, fathers, grandmothers and grandfathers, in the histories, and the stories, all the others, they all are always little babies grown old men and women or as children for us. No, old generations and past ages never have grown young men and women in them. So long ago they were, why they must be old grown men and women or as babies or as children. No, them we never can feel as young grown men and women. Such only are ourselves and our friends with whom we have been living.
And so since there is no other way to do with our kind of thinking we will make our elders to be for us the grown old men and women in our stories, or the babies or the children. We will be always, in ourselves, the young grown men and women.
And so now we begin, and with such men and women as we have old or as very little, in us, to our thinking.
One of these four women, the grandmothers old always to us the generation of grandchildren, was a sweet good woman, strong just to bear many children and then she died away and left them for that was all she knew then to do for them.
Like all good older women she had all her life born many children and she had made herself a faithful working woman to her husband who was a good enough ordinary older man.
Her husband lived some years after his wife had died away and left him.
He was just a decent well-meaning faithful good-enough ordinary man. He was honest, and he left that very strongly to his children and he worked hard, but he never came to very much with all his faithful working.
He was just a decent honest good-enough man to do ordinary working. He always was good to his wife and always liked her to be with him, and to have good children, and to help him with her working. He always liked all of his children and he always did all that he could to help them, but they were all soon strong enough to leave him, and now that his wife had died away and left him, he was not really needed much by the world or by his children.
They were good daughters and sons to him, but his sayings and his old ordinary ways of doing had not much importance for them. They were strong, all of them, in their work and in their new way of feeling and full always of their new ways of living. It was alright, he always said it to them, and he thought it so really in him, but it was all too new, it could never be any comfort to him. He had been left out of all life while he was still living. It was all too new for his feeling and his wife was no longer there to stay beside him. He felt it always in him and he sighed and at last he just slowly left off living. "Yes," he would say of his son Henry who was the one who took most care and trouble for him, "Yes, Henry, he is a good man and he knows how to make a living. Yes he is a good boy to me always but he never does anything like I tell him. It ain't wrong in him, never I don't say so like that ever for him, only I don't need it any more just to go on like I was living. My wife she did always like I told her, she never knew any way to do it different, and now she is gone peace be with her, and it is all now like it was all over, and I, I got no right now to say do so to my children. I don't ever say it now ever no more to them. What have I got to do with living? I've got no place to go on now like I was really living. I got nobody now always by me to do things like I tell them. I got nothing to say now anymore to my children. I got all done with what I got to say to them. Well young folks always knows things different, and they got it right not to listen, I got nothing now really to do with their new kinds of ways of living. Anyhow Henry, he knows good how to make a living. He makes money such a way I got no right to say it different to him. He makes money and I never can see how his way he can make it and he is honest and a good man always, with all his making such a good living. And he, has got right always to do like he wants it, and he is good to me always, I can't ever say it any different. He always is good to me, and the others, they come to see me always only now it is all different. My wife she stayed right by me always and the children they always got some new place where they got to go and do it different." And then the old man sighed and then soon too he died away and left them.
Henry Dehning was a grown man and for his day a rich one when his father died away and left them. Truly he had made everything for himself very different; but it is not as a young man making himself rich that we are now to feel him, he is for us an old grown man telling it all over to his children.
He is a middle aged man now when he talks about it all to his children, middle aged as perhaps sometimes we ourselves are now to our talking, but he, he is grown old man to our thinking. Yes truly this Henry Dehning had made everything for himself to be very different. His ways and his needs and how much money it took now to live to be decent, and all the habits of his daily life, they were all now for him very different.
And it is strange how all forget when they have once made things for themselves to be very different. A man like Dehning never can feel it real to himself, things as they were in his early manhood, now that he has made his life and habits and his feelings all so different. He says it often, as we all do childhood and old age and pain and sleeping, but it can never anymore be really present to his feeling.
Now the common needs in his life are very different. No, not he, nor they all who have made it for themselves to be so different, can remember meekness, nor poor ways, nor self attendance, nor no comforts, all such things are to all of them as indifferent as if they in their own life time themselves had not made it different. It is not their not wanting to remember these things that were so different. Nay they love to remember, and to tell it over, and most often to their children, what they have been and what they have done and how they themselves have made it all to be so different and how well it is for these children that they have had a strong father who knew how to do it so that youngsters could so have it.
Yes, they say it long and often and yet it is never real to them while they are thus talking. No it is not as really present to their thinking as it is to the young ones who never really had the feeling. These have it through their fear, which makes it for them a really present feeling. The old ones have not such a fear and they have it all only like a dim beginning, like the being as babies or as children or as grown old men and women.
And this father Dehning was always very full of such talking. He had made everything for himself and for his children. He was a good and honest man was Henry Dehning. He was strong and rich and good tempered and respected and he showed it in his look, that look that makes young people think older ones are very aged, and he loved to tell it over to his children, how he had made it all for them so they could have it and not have to work to make it different.
"Yes," he would often say to his children, looking at them with that sharp, side-long, shrewd glance that makes fathers so fearful and so aged to their children. Not that he, Dehning, was ever very dreadful to his children, but there is a burr in a man's voice that always makes for terror in his children and there is a sharp, narrow, outward, shut off glance from an old man that will always fill with dread young grown men and women. No it is only by long equal living that their wives know that there is no terror in them, but the young never can be equal enough with them to really rid themselves of such feeling. No, they only really can get rid of such a feeling when they have found in an old man a complete pathetic falling away into a hapless failing. But mostly for all children and young grown men and women there is much terror in an old man's looking.
Not, we repeat, that the Dehnings had much of such a feeling. Their mother had learnt, by perhaps more than equal living that there really was no terror in him and through her they had lost much of such feeling. But always they had something of that dread in them when he would begin talking to them of what had been and what he had done for them. Then it was that he always became very aged to them and he would strongly hold them with his sharp narrow outward kind of looking that, closing him, went very straight into them.
"Yes," he would often say to his children, "Yes I say to you children, you have an easy time of it nowadays doing nothing. Well! What! yes, you think you always have to have everything you can ever think of wanting. Well I guess yes, you have to have your horses and your teachers and your music and your tutors and all kinds of modern improvements and you can't ever do things for yourself, you always have to have somebody there to do it for you; well, yes you children have an easy time of it nowadays doing nothing. Yes I had it very differently when I was a boy like George here who is just a lazy good for nothing. I didn't have all these new fangled notions. I was already earning my own living and giving myself my own education. Well! What! yes! well I say it to you, you have no idea what an easy time you children all have nowadays just doing nothing. And my poor mother, peace be with her, she never had her own house and all kinds of servants to wait on her like your mother. Yes, well, your mother has everything I can give her, not that she don't deserve everything I can give her, Miss Jenny is the best girl I know and she will always have it as easy as I can make it for her, but you children, you never have done anything yet to make it right that you should always be having everything so easy to you. Yes, I say to you, I don't see with all these modern improvements to always spoil you, you ever will be good to work hard like your father. No all these modern kinds of improvements never can do any good to anybody. Yes, what, well, tell me, you all like to be always explaining to me, tell me exactly what you are going to get from all these your expensive modern kinds of ways of doing. Well I say, just tell me some kind of way so that I can understand you. You know I like to get good value for my money, I always had a name for being pretty good at trading, I say, you know I like to know just what I am getting for my money and you children do certainly cost a great deal of my money, now I say, tell me, I am glad to listen to you, I say you tell me just what you are going to do, to make it good all this money. Well what, what are all these kinds of improvements going to do for you."
The children laughed, "You see you can't tell yet sir," they answered, "it will be different but I guess we will be good for something."
"No you children never will be good for something if I have any right kind of a way to know it," Mr. Dehning answered, and he looked very sharply at them. And this was a cheerful challenge to them for he liked it and they liked it too with him, to light strongly against him in the everlasting struggle of conscious unproved power in the young against dogmatic pride in having done it, of the old ones.
This father was proud of his children and yet, too, very reproachful in his feeling toward them. His wife from perhaps more than equal living with him never much regarded such a feeling in him, but to the young ones it was new for them however often it came to them, for it always meant a new fighting for the right to their kind of power that they felt strongly inside them.
But always there was a little of the dread in them that comes to even grown young men and women from an old man's sharp looking, for deep down is the fear, perhaps he really knows, his look is so outward from him, he certainly has used it all up the things inside him at which young ones are still always looking. And then comes the strong feeling, no he never has had it inside him the way that gives it a real meaning, and so the young ones are firm to go on with their fighting. And always they stay with their father and listen to him.
His wife from her more than equal living, as it sometimes is in women, has not such a dread of his really knowing when it comes to their ways of living, and then it is really only talking with him for now it is completely his own only way of living, and so she never listens to him, is deaf to him or goes away when he begins this kind of talking. But his children always stay and listen to him. They are ready very strongly to explain their new ways to him. But he does not listen to them, he goes on telling what he has done and what he thinks of them.
"No I say I don't think you children ever will be good for something. No you won't ever know how to make a living, not if all the ways I have seen men make a success in working is any kind of use to tell from. Well, what, what do you know with all your always talking, what do you know about how good hard work is done now? What is it you know now, when there is nothing you can any of you ever do anyway I ever saw you trying? No there is too much education business and literary effects in you all for you ever to amount to something, and then you will be always wanting more and so you never will do anything when you have nobody there to always help you. I always tell your mother, she always spoils you wanting you should have all kinds of things that you are never really needing. Not that I have anything to say against your mother's ways of doing. Miss Jenny is the best girl I know, she is too good to you that's all, she spoils all you children the way it always is with a woman giving you all what will never help to make you good for something in any kind of a way to earn a living, what, alright, I say to you, you children have an easy time of it now always doing nothing. Well, what, you think you can do it better with all your literary effects you are all so proud of. Well alright, in a few years now we will see who knows best about you then, I say, you can show me what these new fangled notions and all your modern kinds of improvements and all your education business you and your mamma are now all so fond of can do for you. Yes I say, it is only a few years now and then we all can see how you can do it. No I never had it easy like you children and I had to make it all myself so you could have it different. Yes I am always saying it to you but you think you know it all by yourselves and you never listen to me. Yes it was very different once with me. Yes when I was younger than George here and my brother Adolph was no bigger than my little Hortense, we left home to come and make our way here. We did not have much money so all the family could not come over on the same ship together, and I remember how lonesome Adolph and I were when we went away from home alone together. I remember too while we were waiting in a big bare room for them to give us tickets, I remember we heard some one say our father's name, some man in the same room with us. We did not dare speak to the men near us and we did not know which man it was that knew us, but it made us feel a little better. Yes I say you youngsters have an easy time of it nowadays doing nothing. And that was all years ago and now everything is all very different with me. And my poor mother, peace be with her, she never had a big house and servants to work for her like your mother, and everything she ever wanted I could give her like your mother has now that I can buy it for her. No, my poor mother, peace be with her, it was very different for her. You are named after her Julia but you don't any of you children look much like her. Yes she was a good strong woman was my mother, peace be with her. No you don't any of you ever look much like her and she could do more than all her grandchildren ever can do now all put together. Yes she was a wonderful woman your grandmother, peace be with her. She took care of all us children, we were ten then, and she made our clothes and did her own washing and in between she made peppermint candy for the little ones to sell. She was a wonderful good woman your grandmother, not like you children who never will be good for anything. Yes! I say, I was only a little older than that lazy George here when my poor mother, peace be with her, died away, and we were left there, ten children, and we had to get along without her, and my father, he was an honest and a good man but he never knew much how to make a living, and so he never could help along any of his children. And so what we wanted we had to go out and find out how to get it. And now you children have it very different, you have everything you can ever think you can be needing, and you don't ever show that you can work hard to deserve it. Well you got your literary effect and your new fangled notions and all kinds of education and you all always explain to me how well you know how to do it, I say it will be soon now when I can see what all these new fangled notions and all your kinds of improvements will do for you. See if it can teach you more than we learned working hard and selling candy and anything else we could do to get some money. What, well alright, I say I am good and ready to sit still and watch you to see how you all do it. I am always waiting and if you are any good I will know it. I say I am always watching now to see," and then he went away and left them followed by shouts from them, "Alright sir, you just wait and see."
The young Dehnings had all been born and brought up in the town of Bridgepoint. Their mother too had been born in Bridgepoint. It was there that they had first landed, her father, a harsh man, hard to his wife and to his children but not very good with all his fierceness at knowing how to make a living, and her mother a good gentle wife who never left him, though surely he was not worthy to have her so faithful to him, and she was a good woman who with all her woe was strong to bear many children and always after she was strong to do her best for them and always strong to suffer with them.
And this harsh hard man and his good gentle little wife had many children, and one daughter had long ago married Henry Dehning. It was a happy marriage enough for both of them, their faults and the good things they each had in them made of them a man and wife to very well content all who had to do with them.
All the Dehnings were very fond of Bridgepoint. They had their city and their country house like all the people who were well to do in Bridgepoint.
The Dehnings in the country were simple pleasant people. It was surprising how completely they could shed there the straining luxury and uneasy importance of their city life. Their country house was one of those large commodious wooden double affairs with a wide porch all around and standing well back from the road. In front and at the sides were pleasant lawns and trees and beyond were green open marshes leading down to salt water. In back was a cleared space that spread out into great meadows of stunted oaks no higher than a man's waist, great levels glistening green in the summer and brilliantly red in the autumn stretching away under vast skies, and always here and there was a great tree waving in the wind and wading knee deep in the rough radiant leafy tide.
Yes the Dehnings in the country were simple pleasant people. There they were a contented joyous household. All day the young ones played and bathed and rode and then the family altogether would sail and fish. Yes the Dehnings in the country were simple pleasant people. The Dehning country house was very pleasant too for all young men and boys, the uncles and the cousins of the Dehning family, who all delighted in the friendly freedom of this country home, rare in those days among this kind of people, and so the Dehning house was always full of youth and kindly ways and sport and all altogether there they all always lead a pleasant family life.
The Dehning family itself was made up of the parents and three children. They made a group very satisfying to the eye, prosperous and handsome.
Mr. Dehning was a man successful, strong-featured, gentle tempered, joyous and carrying always his fifty years of life with the good-nature of a cheerful boy. He enjoyed the success that he could boast that he had won, he loved the struggle in which he had always been and always conquered, he was proud of his past and of his present worth, he was proud in his three children and proud that they could teach him things he did not know, he was proud of his wife who was proud of such very different things. "Oh Miss Jenny, she is the best girl I know," he always sang as he came to find her, never content long out of sight of his family when not engrossed by business or cards.
I said that Henry Dehning's wife was proud of such very different things, but that was wrong, she was proud in very different fashion but proud of the same things. She loved his success and the worth with which he conquered and she was not anxious to forget the way that he had come. No she was in her way proud that he himself had done it. She liked his power, and when she ever thought about it she liked the honest way she knew that he had done it. And like him too she was very proud in their three educated children but to her thinking there was very little they could teach her. She knew it all always very well and much better than they could ever know it. But she was very proud of these educated children and she was very proud of her husband Henry Dehning though she knew he always did little things so badly and that he would still always play like a poor man with his fingers and he never would learn not to do it. Yes she was very proud of her husband though he always did little things so badly and she had always to be telling him how a man in his position should know how to do it. She came towards him now when he was through with his talking, and she had one rebuke to him for his always calling her his girl Miss Jenny, and another for the way he had of fidgeting always with his fingers. "Don't do that Henry!" she said to him loudly.
Mrs. Dehning was the quintessence of loud-voiced good-looking prosperity. She was a fair heavy woman, well-looking and firmly compacted and hitting the ground as she walked with the same hard jerk with which she rebuked her husband for his sins. Yes Mrs. Dehning was a woman whose rasping insensibility to gentle courtesy deserved the prejudice one cherished against her, but she was a woman, to do her justice, generous and honest, one whom one might like better the more one saw her less.
Yes it was now all very different for them. It was very pleasant always for Henry Dehning then, to stand and to look about him, yes truly it was now all very different with him. He had his family there about him, a family certain to be a satisfaction to him. They were a group to gratify the feeling of pride in him, they were so prosperous vigorous good-looking, honest, and always respectful to him, and surely they would have later, good hope of winning for themselves all that he could ever wish to them.
Yes it certainly was very different now with him. Could one ever have it real to him that in one life time a man could have it all so different for him, that a man all alone in his single lifetime could make it so that he could have it to be truly all so different in him.
Nay for a man to have it in a single life time all so different for him is more strange than being born and being then a baby and then a child and then a young grown man and then old like a man grown old and then dead and so no more of living, it is more strange because it makes so many lives in this one living. Each one of these lives that he forgets or remembers only as a dim beginning is a whole life to us in our thinking, and so Henry Dehning has had many lives in him to our feeling.
Could one believe it that he was a grown man and he was then living like the man who comes into his place now to do a little selling to the servants in the kitchen. And yet that was one whole full life for him; and then there was the old world where there had been for him such a very different kind of living. Yes as he stands there talking to his children of the things that are never real now any more to his feeling, a man comes up the walk and slinks back when he sees them and goes sneaking to the kitchen and there he sells little things to the women who buy them out of Irish fun or just to be kind to him, for his things are really not good enough for them, they are things for people poorer than any that work in a kitchen; and so Mr. Dehning goes on talking to his children and it is all more real to their feeling than it is now to his thinking, for they have it in their fear which young ones always have inside them, and he, he has it only as a dim beginning as being like a baby or an old grown man or woman. Nay how can he ever have it in him to feel it now as really present to him, such things as meekness or poor ways or self attendance or no comforts, it is only a fear that could make such things be now as present to him, and he has no such a fear ever inside him, not for himself ever or even for his children, for he is strong in a sense of always winning. It is they, the children, who, though they too feel a strength inside them and talk about it very often, yet way down deep in them they know they have no way to be really certain; and always they are brave, good-looking, honest, prosperous children and the father feels strong pride as he looks around him.
The Dehning family was made of this father and mother and three children. Mr. Dehning was very proud of his children and proud of all the things he knew that they could teach him. There were two daughters and a son of them.
Julia Dehning was named after her grandmother, but, as her father often told her, she never looked the least bit like her and yet there was a little in her that made the old world not all lost to her, a little that made one always remember that her grandmother and her father had had always a worn old world to remember.
Yes Julia looked much like her mother. That fair good-looking prosperous woman had stamped her image on each one of her children, and with her eldest, Julia, the stamp went deep, far deeper than just for the fair good-looking exterior.
Julia Dehning was now just eighteen and she showed in all its vigor, the self-satisfied crude domineering American girlhood that was strong inside her. Perhaps she was born too near to the old world to ever attain quite altogether that crude virginity that makes the American girl safe in all her liberty. Yes the American girl is a crude virgin and she is safe in her freedom.
And now, so thought her mother, and Julia was quite of the same opinion, the time had come for Julia to have a husband and to begin her real important living.
Under Julia's very American face, body, clothes and manner and her vigor of the domineering and crude virgin, there were now and then flashes of passion that lit up an older well hidden tradition. Yes in Julia Dehning the prosperous, good-looking, domineering woman was a very attractive being. Julia irradiated energy and brilliant enjoying, she was vigorous, and like her mother, fair and firmly compacted, and she was full of bright hopes, and strong in the spirit of success that she felt always in her. Julia was much given to hearty joyous laughing and to an ardent honest feeling, and she hit the ground as she walked with the same hard jerking with which her mother Mrs. Dehning always rebuked her husband's sinning. Yes Julia Dehning was bright and full of vigor, and with something always a little harsh in her, making underneath her young bright vigorous ardent honest feeling a little of the sense of rasping that was just now in her mother's talking.
And so those who read much in story books surely now can tell what to expect of her, and yet, please reader, remember that this is perhaps not the whole of our story either, neither her father for her, nor the living down her mother who is in her, for I am not ready yet to take away the character from our Julia, for truly she may work out as the story books would have her or we may find all different kinds of things for her, and so reader, please remember, the future is not yet certain for her, and be you well warned reader, from the vain-glory of being sudden in your judgment of her.
After Julia came the boy George and he was not named after his grandfather. And so it was right that in his name he should not sound as if he were the son of his father, so at least his mother decided for him, and the father, he laughed and let her do the way she liked it. And so the boy was named George and the other was there but hidden as an initial to be only used for signing.
The boy George bade fair to do credit to his christening. George Dehning now about fourteen was strong in sport and washing. He was not foreign in his washing. Oh, no, he was really an American.
It's a great question this question of washing. One never can find any one who can be satisfied with anybody else's washing. I knew a man once who never as far as any one could see ever did any washing, and yet he described another with contempt, why he is a dirty hog sir, he never does any washing. The French tell me it's the Italians who never do any washing, the French and the Italians both find the Spanish a little short in their washing, the English find all the world lax in this business of washing, and the East finds all the West a pig, which never is clean with just the little cold water washing. And so it goes.
Yes it has been said that even a flea has other little fleas to bite him, and so it is with this washing, everybody can find some one to condemn for his lack of washing. Even the man who, when he wants to take a little hut in the country to live in, and they said to him, but there is no water to have there, and he said, what does that matter, in this country one can always have wine for his drinking, he too has others who for him don't think enough about their washing; and then there is the man who takes the bath-tub out of his house because he don't believe in promiscuous bathing; and there is the plumber who says, yes I have always got to be fixing bath-tubs for other people to get clean in, and I, I haven't got time enough to wash my hands even; and then there are the French bohemians, now one never would think of them as extravagantly cleanly beings, and yet in a village in Spain they were an astonishment to all the natives, why do you do so much washing, they all demanded of them, when your skin is so white and clean even when you first begin to clean them; and then there is the dubious smelly negro woman who tells you about another woman who is as dirty as a dog and as ragged as a spring chicken, and yet some dogs certainly do sometimes do some washing and this woman had certainly not much sign of ever having had such a thing happening; and then there is the virtuous poor woman who brings her child to the dispensary for a treatment and the doctor says to her, no I won't touch her now anymore until you clean her, and the woman cries out in her indignation, what you think I am poor like a beggar, I got money enough to pay for a doctor, I show you I can hire a real doctor, and she slams the door and rushes out with her daughter. Yes it certainly is very queer in her. All this washing business is certainly most peculiar. Surely it is true that even little fleas have always littler ones to bite them.
And then when we are all through with the pleasant summer and its gorgeous washing, then comes the dreadful question of the winter washing. It's easy enough to wash often when the sun is hot and they are sticky and perspiring and the water in a natural kind of a way is always flowing, but when it comes to be nasty cold as it always is in winter, then it is not any more a pleasure, it is a harsh duty then and hard to follow.
Yes it certainly is all very funny, and so we come back to talk some more about George Dehning, George who in this washing is always strong to do all his duty.
George Dehning was a fair athletic chap, cheery as his father and full of excellent intentions, and though these were almost all lost in their way to their fulfillment, remember, George was only fourteen just then, that time with a boy when he never can have much sense in him, for it nearly always is then with boys that the meekest of them are reckless dare-devil heedless unreflecting fellows, and so reader do not make too much for him of any present weakness in him.
Yes, George Dehning was not at all foreign in his washing but for him, too, the old world was not altogether lost behind him. Sometimes the boy had a way with him, and it would show clear in spite of the fair cheery sporty nature he had in him, a way of looking sleepy and reflecting, and his lids would never be really ever very open, and he would be always only half showing his clear grey eyes that, very often, were bright alive and laughing.
Later such a way of looking could be of great service to him. It would not matter if he never really could have wisdom in him, this look could help him always in his dealings with all men and be of much service too to him with women. He will listen then, and with his veiled eyes it will be as if he were full with thinking, and with himself always well hidden, and so he will be wise; or for a woman, it will be as if he were always in a dream of them. Wisdom and dreaming, both good things when shown at the right time by a young grown man, who wants to be succeeding, always, in every kind of living.
And so for the moment we leave the sporty cheery well washed George Dehning with his background and his future of wisdom and of dreaming, both now pretty well hidden away in the depths of him.
And then there was the littlest one whose name had been all given without regard to the old world behind them. They called her Hortense for that was both elegant and new then. The father let the mother do as she liked with the naming, he laughed and a little he did not like it in him and then a little he was proud of his Miss Jenny and her way of doing.
And so the littlest was Hortense Dehning. She too had the stamp of the fair prosperous woman who had set her seal so firmly on her children, but little Hortense had perhaps a little more in her of that sweet good woman who had born many children and then had died away and left them for that was all she knew then to do for them.
The little Hortense Dehning was not of much importance yet in the family living. Hortense was ten now and full of adoration for her big sister and yet most of all for her brother. She was not very strong and she could not run after him in his playing, but sometimes he would sit and talk to her about himself and his resolutions and the elaborated purposes that he was always losing. George was always very moral and too he was very hopeful. He always began his to-morrow with himself full of a firm resolution to do all things every minute and to do them all very complicatedly. George felt always he must bring up this little sister for he George was the only one who knew the right ways for her.
And so he preached a great deal to her, and little Hortense was very devout and adored her instructor. There was always a dependent loyal up-gazing sweetness in her.
Being the baby of the family she was much petted by her father and always she was overawed by her brother, who was very careful to be noble to her. She was not just then very much with her mother for she was not at this time very important to her. The mother was so busy with her Julia, to find an important and good husband for her. And so little Hortense was left much to her brother and to the governess they had for her.
For us now as well as for the mother the important matter in the history of the Dehning family is the marrying of Julia. I have said that a strong family likeness bound all the three children firmly to their mother. That fair good-looking prosperous woman had stamped her image on each one of her children, but with only the eldest Julia was the stamp deep, deeper than for the fair good-looking exterior.
All the family had always looked up to Julia. They delighted in her daring and in a kind of heroical sweetness there was in her. They respected in her, her educated ways and her knowing always what was the right way she and all of them should be doing. It was not for nothing she was a crude domineering virgin. And she was strong in the success she knew always that she had inside her, and the family always admired and followed after.
Her father loved her energy and vigor, he loved her happiness and the ardent honest feeling in her. He was always very ready to yield to her, he liked to hear her when she explained to him in her quick decisive manner the new faith she had so strongly in her, the new illusions and the theories and new movements that the spirit of her generation had taught to her. And he laughed at her new fangled notions and her educated literary business and all her modern kinds of improvements as he called them, and he abused them and too the way she had of believing that she knew more than her mother, but always it amused the father to have his bright quick daughter explain all these new ways to him. Mr. Dehning knew well the value of what he had learned by living, but his was a nature generous in its feeling and he was always ready to listen to his children when they could fairly demonstrate their ideas to him.
But Herman Dehning's pride and pleasure in his Julia was all exceeded by the loud voiced satisfaction of the mother to whom this brilliant daughter always seemed as the product of the mother's own exertions. In her it was the vanity and exultation of creation as well as of possession and she never fairly learned how completely it was the girl who governed all the family life and how very much of this young life was hidden from her knowledge.
Mr. Dehning had never concerned himself very much with the management of the family's way of living and the social life of his wife and children. These things were all always arranged by Mrs. Dehning and he was well content to let her do it though he often grumbled at the foolishness and the expense and at his children always having everything they ever wanted and so being sure to be always good for nothing.
But always he was very proud of his wife and of his children, though, a little, he always felt it was not right, their new fangled ways of doing, and yet, truly, he was very proud of them always, and indeed they were a group to gratify the pride that he had in him, they were so vigorous prosperous and good-looking, and honest, and always respectful to him, and surely they had good hope of later winning for themselves all the happiness and success he could wish them.
Julia Dehning at eighteen had lived through much of the experience that can prepare a girl for womanhood and marriage.
I have said, there were a number of young men and boys connected with the Dehning family, uncles and cousins, generous decent considerate fellows, frank and honest in their friendships, and simple in the fashion of the elder Dehning. With this kindred Julia had always lived as with the members of one family. These men did not supply for her the training and experience that helps to clear the way for an impetuous woman through a world of passions, they only made a sane and moral back-ground on which she in her later life could learn to lean.
With any member of this kindred there would be, in a young and ardent mind, no thought of love or marriage; nor were the sober business men, young, old, or middle-aged, who came a great deal to the house, attractive to her temper, for Julia was ambitious for passion and position and she needed, too, a strain of romance. No such kind of a man had really come to her and Julia was all ripe for real experience, for even with her well guarded life she had found the sickened sense that comes with learning that some men do wrong. Passionate tempers have greatly this advantage of the unpassionate variety; you can never guard them with such care but that they find themselves full up with real experience and with the after-taste of disillusion, but vitally as they are always hit they always rise and plunge once more, while their poorly passionate fellows who receive a vital blow never rise to faith again.
Julia as a little girl had had the usual experiences of governess guarded children. She was first the confidant, then the advisor, and last the arranger of the love affairs of her established guardians. Then at her finishing school she became acquainted with that dubious character, the adventuress, the type to be found always in all kinds of places, a character eternally attractive in its mystery and daring, and always able to attach unto itself the most intelligent and honest of its comrades and introduce them to queer vices.
And so Julia Dehning, like all other young girls, learnt many kinds of lessons, and she saw many of the kinds of ways that lead to wisdom, and always her life was healthy vigorous and active. She learnt very well all the things young girls of her class were taught then and she learnt too, in all kinds of ways, all the things girls always can learn, somehow, to be wise in. And so Julia was well prepared now to be a woman. She had singing and piano-playing and sport and all regular school learning, she had good looks, honesty, and brilliant courage, and in her young way a certain kind of wisdom.
Always Julia was a passionate young woman and she had too a heroical kind of sweetness in her way of winning. She was a passionate young woman in the sense that always she was all alive and always all the emotions she had in her being were as intense and present to her feeling as a sensation like a pain is to others who are less alive in their living. And all this time too, Julia Dehning was busily arranging and directing the life and aspirations of her family, for she was strong always in her good right to lead them.
And so Julia Dehning when she was seventeen came out upon the world, and she was filled full with courage and experience and wisdom, and she was well ready now with this energy and wisdom to cope with and conquer all the world and all men and women.
There is nothing more joyous than being healthful young and energetic, and loving movement sunshine and clean air. Combine all this with owning of a horse and courage enough to ride him wildly, and God is good to overflowing to his children. It is pleasant too to have occasionally a sympathetic comrade on such rides. Jameson was a pleasant man of thirty five or thereabouts, a good free rider and an easy talker. Julia knew him first at home and met him usually while riding to the station to meet her father and the city train. They would then either gallop home together or go about riding through the glowing meadows of low oaks, racing cheerily along the country roads, and dipping here and there into a pleasant wood that broke the open country into shadow. They met too, occasionally, in riding parties that went in search of new country to discover and explore. It was all very pleasant and unaggressive, but Julia began to notice that Mrs. Jameson frowned on her in anger now, whenever they all met together. Then too Jameson grew gradually less comradely, more intimate, and gross. Julia understood at last and did not ride with him again.
Such incidents as these are common in the lives of all young women and only are important in those intenser natures that, by their understanding, make each incident into a situation. Such natures suck a full experience from every act, and live so much in what, to others, means so little, for is it not all common and to be expected.
In Julia Dehning all experience had gone to make her wise now in a desire for a master in the art of life, and it came to pass that in Alfred Hersland brought by a cousin to visit at the house she found a man who embodied her ideal in a way to make her heart beat with surprise.
To a bourgeois mind that has within it a little of the fervor for diversity, there can be nothing more attractive than a strain of singularity that yet keeps well within the limits of conventional respectability a singularity that is, so to speak, well dressed and well set up. This is the nearest approach the middle class young woman can ever hope to make to the indifference and distinction of the really noble. When singularity goes further and so gets to be always stronger, there comes to be in it too much real danger for any middle class young woman to follow it farther. Then comes the danger of being mixed by it so that no one just seeing you can know it, and they will take you for the lowest, those who are simply poor or because they have no other way to do it. Surely no young person with any kind of middle class tradition will ever do so, will ever put themselves in the way of such danger, of getting so that no one can tell by just looking that they are not like them who by their nature are always in an ordinary undistinguished degradation. No! such kind of a danger can never have to a young one of any middle class tradition any kind of an attraction.
Now singularity that is neither crazy, sporty, faddish, or a fashion, or low class with distinction, such a singularity, I say, we have not made enough of yet so that any other one can really know it, it is as yet an unknown product with us. It takes time to make queer people, and to have others who can know it, time and a certainty of place and means. Custom, passion, and a feel for mother earth are needed to breed vital singularity in any man, and alas, how poor we are in all these three.
Brother Singulars, we are misplaced in a generation that knows not Joseph. We flee before the disapproval of our cousins, the courageous condescension of our friends who gallantly sometimes agree to walk the streets with us, from all them who never any way can understand why such ways and not the others are so dear to us, we fly to the kindly comfort of an older world accustomed to take all manner of strange forms into its bosom and we leave our noble order to be known under such forms as Alfred Hersland, a poor thing, and even hardly then our own.
The Herslands were a Western family. David Hersland, the father, had gone out to a Western state to make his money. His wife had been born and brought up in the town of Bridgepoint. Later Mr. Hersland had sent his son Alfred back there to go to college and then to stay on and to study to become a lawyer. Now it was some years later and Alfred Hersland had come again to Bridgepoint, to settle down there to practice law there, and to make for himself his own money.
The Hersland family had not had their money any longer than the others of this community, but they had taken to culture and to ideas quicker.
Alfred Hersland was well put together to impress a courageous crude young woman, who had an ambition for both passion and position and who needed too to have a strain of romance with them.
Hersland was tall and well dressed and sufficiently good-looking, and he carried himself always with a certain easy dignity and grace. His blond hair, which he wore parted in the middle, a way of doing which at that time showed both courage and conviction, covered a well shaped head. His features were strongly marked, regular and attractive, his expression was pleasing, his talk was always interesting, and his manners were dignified and friendly. His eyes and voice meant knowledge, feeling, and a pleasant mystery.
Julia Dehning threw herself eagerly into this new acquaintance. She no longer wanted that men should bring with them the feel of out of doors, for out of doors with men now was soiled to her sense by the grossness of the Jamesons. Alfred Hersland brought with him the world of art and things, a world to her but vaguely known. He knew that some things made by men are things of beauty, and he spoke this knowledge with interest and conviction.
The time passed quickly by with all this joy of fresh experience and new faith.
Not many months from this first meeting, Julia gave her answer. "Yes, I do care for you," she said, "and you and I will live our lives together, always learning things and doing things, good things they will be for us whatever other people may think or say."
It had been a wonderful time for Julia Dehning these few months of knowing Hersland. She had had, always, stirring within her, a longing for the knowledge of made things, of works of art, of all the wonders that make, she knew, a world, for certain other people. (Twenty years ago, you know, it was still the dark ages in America and lectures on art did not grow on every tongue that had tasted the salt air of the mid-Atlantic. It was a feat then to know about hill towns in Italy, one might have heard of Titian and of Rembrandt but Giorgone and Botticelli were still sacred to the few, one did not then yet have to seek, to find for oneself new painters and new places.) It was a very real desire, this longing for the wisdom of all culture, this that had been always strong in Julia. Of course, mostly, such longing in Julia, took the form of moral idealism, the only form of culture the spare American imagination takes natural refuge in.
Julia Dehning, like all of her kind of people, needed everything, for anything could feed her. It was not strong meat that Hersland offered to her, but her palate was eager, this had the flavour of the dishes she longed to have eaten and to have inside her. To her young crude virgin desire the food he offered to her was plenty real enough to deeply content her.
Of the family about her, it was only Julia who found him worthy to be so important to her. The cousins and the uncles, the men who could make for her the sane and moral background that would give a wholesome middle class condition always to her, they did not like it much that Hersland was now so important for her. They said nothing to her, but they did not like to have him always about with her. He was not their kind and every minute they could know it, and they did not need him, either out in the world in business or at home where they were happy in the rich and solid family comfort they always had had with the Dehnings; and these men could not find Hersland's knowledge worth much for them, and they did not have it in them that it had a meaning for them that he Hersland had in him, knowledge and a certain kind of feeling that they never could have inside them. What could a pleasant mystery in a man mean to them except only that any man with any sense in him would not ever trust anything real to him.
But they said nothing, any of them, they knew nothing real against him, and, anyhow, it was not business for them to interfere with other people's matters, for after all it was to the Dehnings for them, and it did not in any way really concern any of the others of them. As men they could not feel it in them the right to interfere with a woman who did not as a child or a wife really belong to them.
The boy George and the little sister were too young to think very much about him. The young brother did not feel it in himself much to like him, for young George you may remember was young and heroic, out of doors was not yet in any way soiled for him and he needed that kind of a thing in a man to attract him, but anyhow, Julia liked him and it would be hard for George not to think Julia could judge better about him than any of the other members of the family could have it to know in them.
Mr. Dehning as yet had said nothing One day he was out walking and his daughter was with him. "Julia hadn't you better be a little careful how much you encourage that young Hersland."
Mr. Dehning, always, in his working, began very far away from a thing he meant later to be firmly attacking. And always in such a far away beginning, he would be looking sharply, out from him, in a sidelong, piercing, deprecating, challenging, fashion, the kind of a way he had always of looking when his wife, who, by her more than equal living, as it often is with a woman, had not in any kind of a way any fear in her of him, could be going to rebuke him. And this way he had of looking, always made him an old man to his children, and mostly there was a fear then in them, only now Julia was strong, other things were bright and glowing, and she could not now feel it in him, the old grown man's sharp outward looking that, closing him, went always so straight into them.
And so, now, filled full with her new warm imagining, Julia Dehning had not any kind of a fear from him, the kind of a fear a young grown woman has almost always from an old man's looking.
"Why papa!" she had eagerly quickly demanded of him.
"I say Julia I don't know anything against him. Yes, I say to you Julia I don't know of anything there is against him. I have looked up all the record there is yet of him and I haven't heard anything against him but Julia, I say, somehow I don't quite like him. His family are alright, I know a man who knows all Gossols, and I asked him, he says yes the family are all successful and well appearing, I say Julia I don't say anything against him only I don't altogether trust him. I know all about his father, everybody has heard of David Hersland, he is the richest man they ever had in Gossols, I know too how he made his own money out there, and everybody says he is alright and he made his own money by his own work; I don't say anything against him, only Julia I think you better be a little careful with him, somehow I don't altogether like him."
"Isn't that papa because he plays the piano and parts his hair that way in the middle." Julia was eager in her questioning.
The father laughed, "I guess there is some reason in your question Julia, I don't like that kind of thing much in a man, that's right. It's foolish in a man who wants to make a success making a living, it's foolish to do things that make other men feel they don't want to trust him. It's alright if he was just doing nothing, only I never would want you to tie up with a man who didn't know how to take care of himself to make a living, but Hersland has got ambition, he wants to be a lawyer who makes a big success with his living, I know him, and that don't seem to me the kind of a way to make a good beginning, but may be I am wrong, you young ones always think you know everything. Anyhow Julia I think you better be a little careful with him."
Mr. Dehning paused, and they walked on a little while and she said nothing.
Henry Dehning had had a long time to learn how to judge the value in a man, the values in them that in their lives concerned him. The more one looked into the quality of him the more one learned respect for the power he had in him and the more wonder one had in them at the gentleness that almost never left him.
Mr. Dehning had a massive face made with a firm unagressive chin, loose masses in the cheeks and a strong curved nose, his eyes were blue and always clear, and set between loose pouches underneath and coarse rough overhanging brows. His strong-skulled rounded head was covered with thinning greyish hair. He was a man of medium height, stocky build and sharply squared shoulders, a man quick in his movements, slow in his judgments, and cheerful in his temper; a man to understand and to make use of men, slow to anger and tenacious, without heat or bitterness.
His children knew the value of his judgments and the generous quality of his understanding, still he was of the old generation, they of the new, with all his wisdom surely he must fail to see the meanings in the unaccustomed.
"You know Julia," Mr. Dehning went on after a silent interval of walking when they had each been pretty busy with their own thinking, "you know Julia, your mother doesn't like him."
"Oh! mamma!" Julia broke out, "you know how mamma is, he talks about love and beauty and mamma thinks it ought to be all wedding dresses and a fine house when it isn't money and business. She would be the same about anybody that I would want."
"Yes Julia, those are your literary notions but a lawyer has got to be a business man now and you like success and money as well as any one. You have always had everything you wanted and you don't want to get along without it. Literary effects and modern improvements are alright for women but with Hersland it ought to be different, it ought to be that he has the kind of sense he needs in his business. I don't say he hasn't got good sense in him to make a success in him and you want to be careful I say Julia, how far you go with him."
"I know papa just what you mean, and that's alright papa, I know it, but you know yourself papa it isn't everything, now, is it. I know papa how you feel about it, you think we young ones are all wrong the way we look at it, but you say yourself papa how different things are nowadays from the way they used to be when you began with it, and surely papa it can't hurt a man to be interesting even if he wants to make a success in his business."
Mr. Dehning shook his head but he did not so carry much conviction to his daughter and on this day they said no more about the matter.
And so Julia began and surely she would win in the struggle. She worked every day and very hard, and slowly she began to bring her father to it. Mrs. Dehning would have to agree if he said she could have it and no one else's opinion in the matter was important.
Time and again Julia would be sure she had succeeded, for her father always listened to her "yes papa I know it, I know what you mean and it's alright, only you know yourself everything nowadays is very different, you know that yourself papa, you know you always say it," and he liked to hear her say it, and he listened with amusement, and he approved when she knew how to do it, when she brought out with great fervor and with much repeating, great arguments against all his objections. He always openly admired the bright way she had then to make clear to him all her theories and convictions, the new faith in her, the new ideas she had of life and business.
And then Julia would be sure she had convinced him, for how could a reasonable man ever resist it, she knew she had good reasons in her.
And each day when their talk was ending and she was saying to him, "you know papa you say yourself now that it's all different, I know what you mean papa, always, I know how you want me to do it, but papa, really, I am not talking without thinking hard about it, you know I listen to you and want to understand it but you know papa, now don't you, that it will be alright and that I am alright just the way you like to have me do it," and then he would have stopped listening to her and his mind would have sort of shut up away from her, and she still held his arm for they had been walking all this time up and down as was their custom every afternoon together, and yet he then himself had quite slipped away from her, and now he would be looking at her with that sharp completed look that, always so full of his own understanding, could not leave it open any way to her to reach inside to him to let in any other kind of a meaning.
And then he would for that time altogether leave her and the last thing he always would say to her, with the quick movement he had when he felt no more time in him then for her. "Alright, yes, well tomorrow is another day Julia I say to-morrow is another day Julia and you think it all over and we will talk about it further, perhaps to-morrow, I say to-morrow is another day Julia. There is your mother there now Julia, you better go in now to her."
It was hard for Julia to have such a kind of resistance fighting against her. It was hard for an impatient and eager temper to endure the kind of a way her father always finished off his long talks with her. It was hard for Julia to have to always begin over every time she started to talk about it with her father. But he was very proud of her, she knew very well his feeling for her, she knew very well too how to win him to agree in the end with her. She loved it in a way the struggle he made each day a new one for her. They loved and admired and respected each other very much this daughter and her father. They understood very well both of them how to please while they were combating with each other. And so each to-morrow they met, and Julia was sturdy and had strong faith in her, and always, her father, a long time each day listened to her.
Hersland could do nothing all this time but wait for Julia to persuade her father. They were both agreed, Hersland and Julia, that any effort on his part to change Mr. Dehning's opinion would only make the fight for Julia so much harder. It was always there that Mr. Dehning did not like young Hersland, and the noblest words and the best acts, never, in any kind of a distrusted person, give any evidence against his condemnation. It is never facts that tell, they are the same when they mean very different things. It is never facts that can make a man feel any thing to be made different to him when he has any kind of a judgment in him. Facts can never tell him anything truly about another man in his opinion. It was always there, Mr. Dehning somehow did not trust this man. And so it was only Julia, who by always repeating, perhaps could find a way to change him.
So Julia struggled every day, to have him, arguing discoursing explaining and appealing. She was always winning but it was slow progress like that in very steep and slippery climbing. For every forward movement of three feet she always slipped back two, sometimes all three and often four and five and six and seven. It was long eager steady fighting but the father was slowly understanding that his daughter wanted this thing enough to stand hard by it and with such a feeling and no real fact against the man, such a father was bound to let her some time get married to him.
"I tell you what Julia what I been thinking. When we all get back to town you can tell better whether you do really want him. I say we better leave off all this talking and just wait till we get home now again. I don't say no Julia and I don't say yes to you. When everybody gets back to town and you are busy and running around with your girls and talking and meeting all the other people and the other kinds of young men, you can tell much better then whether all this business is not all just talking with you. I say now Julia we will wait and just see how you feel about it later. I say we will talk it all over when we get home and you are altogether with all your friends there. I say Julia I don't say no to you and I don't say yes yet to you. I say when we get home we will talk it over again all together and then if nothing turns up new against him, and you still want him, I say if then you still want him enough to trust to him and to trust to your own judgment about him, we will see what we can do about him."
"Alright papa," Julia said to him, "alright I won't even see Alfy any more till we get back to town then, and papa I won't say another word to you about it. I'll just go and ride around the country and think hard the way you like to have me do it about what we both have said about it."
It was a well meant intention this in Julia of riding by herself around the country and thinking hard about what they had both said about it, but not the certain way to end in a passionate young woman her first intense emotion. The wide and glowing meadows of low oaks, the clean clear tingling autumn air, the blaze of color in the bits of woods, the freedom and the rush of rapid motion on the open road, the joy of living in a vital world, the ecstasy of loving and of love, the intensity of feeling in the ardent young, it surely was not so that Julia Dehning could win the sober reason that should judge of men.
And always every day it came and always every day when it was ending it would be the same. "Yes I certainly do care for him and I do know him. And he and I will live our lives together always learning things and doing things, good things they will be for us whatever other people may think or say."
And so at last, filled full with faith and hope and fine new joy she went back to her busy city life, strong in the passion of her eager young imagining.
The home the rich and self made merchant makes to hold his family and himself is always like the city where his fortune has been made. In London it is like that rich and endless dark and gloomy place, in Paris it is filled with pleasant toys, cheery and light and made of gilded decoration and white paint, and in Bridgepoint it was neither gloomy nor yet joyous but like a large and splendid canvas completely painted over but painted full of empty space.
The Dehning city house was of this sort. A nervous restlessness of luxury was through it all. Often the father would complain of the unreasoning extravagance to which his family was addicted but these upbraidings had not much result for the rebuke came from conviction and not from any habit of his own.
It was good solid riches in the Dehning house, a parlor full of ornate marbles placed on yellow onyx stands, chairs gold and white of various size and shape, a delicate blue silk brocaded covering on the walls and a ceiling painted pink with angels and cupids all about, a dining room all dark and gold, a living room all rich and gold and red with built-in-couches, glass-covered book-cases and paintings of well washed peasants of the German school, and large and dressed up bedrooms all light and blue and white. (All this was twenty years ago in the dark age, you know, before the passion for the simple line and the toned burlap on the wall and wooden panelling all classic and severe.) Marbles and bronzes and crystal chandeliers and gas logs finished out each room. And always everywhere there were complicated ways to wash, and dressing tables filled full of brushes, sponges, instruments, and ways to make one clean, and to help out all the special doctors in their work.
It was good riches in this house and here it was that Julia Dehning dreamed of other worlds and here each day she grew more firm in her resolve for that free wide and cultured life to which for her young Hersland had the key.
At last it was agreed that these two young people should become engaged, but not be married for a year to come, and if nothing new had then turned up, the father said he would then no longer interfere. And so the marriage now was made for with these kind of people an engagement always meant a marriage excepting only for the gravest cause. And Alfred Hersland and Julia had this time to learn each other's natures and prepare themselves for the event.
When the twelve months had passed away no grave cause had come to make a reason why this marriage should not be. Julia was twelve months older now, and wiser, and through this wisdom had in general a little more distrusting in her, but never in any kind of a way was she changing about the new world she needed now to content her and she was firm always in her intention to marry Alfred Hersland. She loved him then with all the strength of her eager young imagining, though dimly, somewhere, in her head and heart now there was sometimes a vague dread that comes of ignorance and a beginning wisdom, a distrust she could not then yet seize and look on so that she could really know it, but a distrust that often was there, somewhere in the background, somehow sometimes mixed there to her sense, in with her energy, her new faith, and her feeling.
For a girl like Julia Dehning, all men, excepting those of an outside unknown world, these one read about in books and never really could believe in, for it is a strange feeling one has in one's later living, when one finds the story-books really have truth in them, for one loved the story-books earlier, one loved to read them but one never really believed there was truth in them, and later when one by living has gained a new illusion and a kind of wisdom, and one reads again in them, there it is, the things we have learned since to believe in, there it is and we know then that the man or the woman who wrote them had just the same kind of wisdom in them we have been spending our lives winning, and this shows to any one wise in learning that no young people can learn wisdom from the talking of the older ones around them. If they cannot believe the things they read in the story-books where it is all made lifelike, real and interesting for them, how should they ever learn things from older people's talking. Its foolish to expect such things of them. No let them read the story-books we write for them, they don't learn much, to be sure, but more than they can from their fathers', mothers', aunts' and uncles' talking. Yes from their fathers' and their mothers' living they can get some wisdom, yes supply them with a tradition by your lives, you grown men and women, and for the rest let them come to us for their teaching.
But now to come back to Julia Dehning. As I was saying, to a girl like Julia Dehning, all men, excepting those of an outside unknown world, those one reads about in books and never really can believe in, or men like Jameson to whom one never could belong and whom one always knows, now after having once begun with one's living, for what they are whenever one met with them, I say for a girl like Julia Dehning, with the family with which she had all her life been living, to her all men that could be counted as men by her and could be thought of as belonging ever to her, they must be, all, good strong gentle creatures, honest and honorable and honoring. For her to doubt this of all men, of decent men, of men whom she could ever know well or belong to, to doubt this would be for her to recreate the world and make one all from her own head. Surely, of course, she knew it, there were the men one could read of in the books and hear of in the scandal of the daily news, but never could such things be true of men of her own world. For her to think it in herself as real any such a thing would be for her to imagine a vain thing, to recreate the world and make a new one all out of her own head.
No, this was a thought that could not come to her to really think, and so for her the warnings of her father carried no real truth. Of course Alfred Hersland was a good and honest man. All decent men, all men who belonged to her own kind and to whom she could by any chance belong, were good and straight. They had this as they had all simple rights in a sane and simple world. Hersland had besides that he was brilliant, that he knew that there were things of beauty in the world, and that he was in his bearing and appearance a distinguished man. And then over and above all this, he was so freely passionate in his fervent love.
And so the marriage was really to be made. Mrs. Dehning now all reconciled and eager, began the trousseau and the preparation of the house that the young couple were to have as a wedding portion from the elder Dehnings.
In dresses, hats and shoes and gloves and underwear, and jewel ornaments, Julia was very ready to follow her mother in her choice and to agree with her in all variety and richness of trimming in material, but in the furnishing of her own house it must be as she wished, taught as she now had been that there were things of beauty in the world and that decoration should be strange and like old fashions, not be in the new. To have the older things themselves had not yet come to her to know, nor just how old was the best time that they should be. It was queer in its results this mingling of old taste and new desire.
The mother was all disgusted, half-impressed; she sneered at these new notions to her daughter and bragged of it to all of her acquaintance. She followed Julia about now from store to store, struggling to put in a little her own way, but always she was beaten back and overborne by the eagerness of knowing and the hardness of unconsidering disregard with which her daughter met her words.
The wedding day drew quickly near with all this sharp endeavor of making her new home just what it should be for the life which was to come. Julia thought more of her ideals these days than of her man. Hersland had always, a little, meant more to her as an ideal than as a creature to be known and loved. She had made him, to herself, as she was now making her new house, an unharmonious unreality, a bringing complicated natural tastes to the simplicities of fitness and of decoration of a self-digested older world.
I say again, this was all twenty years ago before the passion for the simple line and toned green burlap on the wall and wooden panelling all classic and severe. But the moral force was making then, as now, in art, all for the simple line, though then it had not come to be, as now alas it is, that natural sense for gilding and all kinds of paint and complicated decoration in design all must be suppressed and thrust away, and so take from us the last small hope that something real might spring from crudity and luxury in ornament. In those days there was still some freedom left to love elaboration in good workmanship and ornate rococoness and complication in design. And all the houses of one's friends and new school rooms and settlements in slums and dining halls and city clubs, had not yet taken on this modern sad resemblance to a college woman's college room.
Julia Dehning's new house was in arrangement a small edition of her mother's. In ways to wash, to help out all the special doctors in their work, in sponges, brushes, running water everywhere, in hygienic ways to air things and keep ones self and everything all clean, this house that Julia was to make fit for her new life which was to come, in this it was very like the old one she had lived in, but always here there were more plunges, douches, showers, ways to get cold water, luxury in freezing, in hardening, than her mother's house had ever afforded to them. In her mother's house there were many ways to get clean but they mostly suggested warm water and a certain comfort, here in the new house was a sterner feeling, it must be a cold world, that one could keep one's soul high and clean in.
All through this new house there were no solid warm substantial riches. There were no silks in curtains, no blue brocade here, no glass chandeliers to make prisms and give tinklings. Here the parlor was covered with modern sombre tapestry, the ceiling all in tone the chairs as near to good colonial as modern imitation can effect, and all about dark aesthetic ornaments from China and Japan. Paintings there were none, only carbon photographs framed close, in dull and wooden frames.
The dining room was without brilliancy, for there can be no brilliance in a real aesthetic aspiration. The chairs were made after some old french fashion, not very certain what, and covered with dull tapestry, copied without life from old designs, the room was all a discreet green with simple oaken wood-work underneath. The living rooms were a prevailing red, that certain shade of red like that certain shade of green, dull, without hope, the shade that so completely bodies forth the ethically aesthetic aspiration of the spare American emotion. Everywhere were carbon photographs upon the walls sadly framed in painted wooden frames. Free couches, open book-cases, and fire places with really burning logs, finished out each room.
These were triumphant days for Julia. Every day she led her family a new flight and they followed after agape with wonderdisapproval and with pride. The mother almost lost all sense of her creation of this original and brilliant daughter, she was almost ready to admit the obedience and defeat she now had in her. Sometimes she still had a little resistance to her but mostly she was swelling inside and to all around her with her admiration and her pride in this new wonderful kind of a daughter.
The father had always been convinced and proud even when he had disapproved the opinions of his daughter. He now took a solid satisfaction in the completeness of accomplishment she now had in her. To her father, to know well what one wanted, and to win it, by patient steady fighting for it, was the best act a man or woman could accomplish, and well had his daughter done it. She had won it, she knew very well what she wanted and she had it. He still shook his head at her new fangled notions, her literary effects, the artistic kind of new improvement, as he called it, that she put into her new house to make it perfect. He did not understand it and he always said it, but he was very proud to see her do it, and he bragged to everybody and made them listen to it, of his daughter and the wonderful new kind of a house she had, and the bright way she knew how to do it.
The little Hortense had always worshipped this wonderful big sister, and the boy George admired too, and followed after.
Altogether these last weeks were brilliant days for Julia.
But always, a little, through all this pride in domination and in the admiration of her family, there was there, somewhere, in the background, to her sense, a vague uncertain kind of feeling as to her understanding and her right. Mostly she had a firm strong feeling in her, but always, a little, there was there, a kind of a doubting somewhere in her. She never in these days did any very real thinking about Hersland as a man to be to her as a husband to control her. But, somehow, a little, he was there in her as an unknown power that might attack her, though she knew very well she had in her a wisdom and experience of life that she could feel strong now always inside her.
A few weeks before the day they were to be married and to begin their new free life together, this vague distrust in Julia became a little sharper. Alfy was talking to her one night about the good life they were to have soon together, about their prospects and his hopes for the future. "I've some good schemes Julia in my head," he said to her, "and I mean to do big things, and with a safe man like your father to back me through now I think I can." Julia somehow was startled though this kind of saying in him was not new to her. "Why what do you mean Alfy?" "Why," he went on, "I want to do some things that have big money and big risks in them and a man as well known as your father for wealth and reliability for a father-in-law will do all that I need. Of course you know Julia," he added very simply enough for her, "you must not talk to him about such things now. You are my wife, my own darling, and you and I will live our lives together always loving and believing in the same good thing."
He said it simply enough to her and he was safe. Julia would not speak of such things now to her father. No torment of doubt, no certainty of misery could bring her to ask questions of her father, now, about the new life she had before her. Hersland was safe, though very simply now, he often made for her that sharp uncertain feeling more dreadful and more clear before her. He was not different in his ways or in his talk to her from the way he always had been with her, but somehow now it had come to her, to see, as dying men are said to see, clearly and freely things as they are and not as she had wished them to be for her.
And then she would remember suddenly what she had really thought he was, and she felt, she knew that all that former thought was truer better judgment than this sudden sight, and so she dulled her momentary clearing mind and hugged her old illusions to her breast.
"Alfy didn't mean it like that," she said over to herself, "he couldn't mean it like that. He only meant that papa would help him along in his career and of course papa will. Oh I know he didn't really mean it like that, he couldn't mean it like that. Anyhow I will ask him what he really meant."
And she asked him and he freely made her understand just what it was he meant. It sounded better then, a little better as he told it to her more at length, but it left her a foreboding sense that perhaps the world had meanings in it that could be hard for her to understand and judge.
But now she had to think that it was all, as it had a little sounded, good and best. She had to think it so else how could she marry him, and how could she not marry him. She had to marry him, and so she had to think it so, and she would think it so, and did.
In a few days more the actual marrying was done and their lives
together always doing things and learning things was at last
begun.
Bear it in your mind my reader, but truly I never feel it that there ever can be for me any such a creature, no it is this scribbled and dirty and lined paper that is really to be to me always my receiver—but anyhow reader, bear it in your mind—will there be for me ever any such a creature—what I have said always before to you, that this that I write down a little each day here on my scraps of paper for you is not just an ordinary kind of novel with a plot and conversations to amuse you, but a record of a decent family progress respectably lived by us and our fathers and our mothers, and our grandfathers, and grandmothers, and this is by me carefully a little each day to be written down here; and so my reader arm yourself in every kind of a way to be patient, and to be eager, for you must always have it now before you to hear much more of these many kinds of decent ordinary people, of old, grown, grand-fathers and grand-mothers, of growing old fathers and growing old mothers, of ourselves who are always to be young grown men and women for us, and then there are still to be others and we must wait and see the younger fathers and young mothers bear them for us, these younger fathers and young mothers who always are ourselves inside us, who are to be always young grown men and women to us. And so listen while I tell you all about us, and wait while I hasten slowly forwards, and love, please, this history of this decent family's progress.
Yes it is a misfortune we have inside us, some few of us, I cannot deny it to you, all you others, it is true the simple interest I take in my family's progress. I have it, this interest in ordinary middle class existence, in simple firm ordinary middle class traditions, in sordid material unaspiring visions, in a repeating, common, decent enough kind of living, with no fine kind of fancy ways inside us, no excitements to surprise us, no new ways of being bad or good to win us.
You see, it is just an ordinary middle class tradition we must use to understand this family's progress. There must be no aspiring thoughts inside us, there must be a feeling always in us of being in a kind of way in business always honest, there must be in a kind of ordinary way always there inside us the sense of decent enough ways of living for us. Yes I am strong to declare that I have it, here in the heart of this high, aspiring, excitement loving people who despise it,—I throw myself open to the public,—I take a simple interest in the ordinary kind of families, histories, I believe in simple middle class monotonous tradition, in a way in honest enough business methods.
Middle-class, middle-class, I know no one of my friends who will admit it, one can find no one among you all to belong to it, I know that here we are to be democratic and aristocratic and not have it, for middle class is sordid material unillusioned unaspiring and always monotonous for it is always there and to be always repeated, and yet I am strong, and I am right, and I know it, and I say it to you and you are to listen to it, yes here in the heart of a people who despise it, that a material middle class who know they are it, with their straightened bond of family to control it, is the one thing always human, vital, and worthy it—worthy that all monotonously shall repeat it,—and from which has always sprung, and all who really look can see it, the very best the world can ever know, and everywhere we always need it.
The Herslands were a western family. David Hersland as a young man had gone far into the new country to make his money. He had succeeded very well there in making money. He had settled down in Gossols and had lived there for twenty years and more now.
He had made a big fortune. David Hersland was in some ways a splendid kind of person.
Mr. Hersland had brought his wife to Gossols with him. He had married her in Bridgepoint when his fortune was just beginning. His children had all been born in Gossols to him. They were really western, all of them, all through them. There were three of them, Martha, Alfred, David, there had been two others but they had died as little children. Now Martha, after many changes, was home again with him. Alfred who had never yet been any trouble to him was gone to Bridgepoint to marry Julia Dehning and then there as a lawyer to win for himself his own way of living. And the youngest David was soon to follow Alfred to Bridgepoint, to go to college there and to decide in him, as his way always had been and no one could ever understand him, from day to day what life meant to him to make it worth his living.
And so when Alfred Hersland first met Julia Dehning, his family father mother Martha and David were still living there in Gossols. The mother was already now a little ailing, the father had no longer his old strength for living, Martha had come back out of her trouble to them, Alfred had gone away and left them, David was very soon to follow him. They had their old place in Gossols to live in but it had not the beauty and the wonder now it had had all these years for them. Joy was a little dim inside now for all of them.
For many years it had been full of content, this home they had always lived in. The Herslands had never had a city house to be restless around them and to give restlessness inside to them. They had all these years been in the place they now lived in.
This house they had always lived in was not in the part of Gossols where the other rich people mostly were living. It was an old place left over from the days when Gossols was just beginning. It was grounds about ten acres large, fenced in with just ordinary kind of rail fencing, it had a not very large wooden house standing on the rising ground in the center with a winding avenue of eucalyptus, blue gum, leading from it to the gateway. There was, just around the house, a pleasant garden, in front were green lawns not very carefully attended and with large trees in the center whose roots always sucked up for themselves almost all the moisture, water in this dry western country could not be used just to keep things green and pretty and so, often, the grass was very dry in summer, but it was very pleasant then lying there watching the birds, black in the bright sunlight and sailing, and the firm white summer clouds breaking away from the horizon and slowly moving. It was very wonderful there in the summer with the dry heat, and the sun burning, and the hot earth for sleeping; and then in the winter with the rain, and the north wind blowing that would bend the trees and often break them, and the owls in the walls scaring you with their tumbling.
All the rest of the ten acres was for hay and a little vegetable gardening and an orchard with all the kinds of fruit trees that could be got there to do any growing.
In the summer it was good for generous sweating to help the men make the hay into bails for its preserving and it was well for ones growing to eat radishes pulled with the black earth sticking to them and to chew the mustard and find roots with all kinds of funny flavors in them, and to fill ones hat with fruit and sit on the dry ploughed ground and eat and think and sleep and read and dream and never hear them when they would all be calling; and then when the quail came it was fun to go shooting, and then when the wind and the rain and the ground were ready to help seeds in their growing, it was good fun to help plant them, and the wind would be so strong it would blow the leaves and branches of the trees down around them and you could shout and work and get wet and be all soaking and run out full into the strong wind and let it dry you, in between the gusts of rain that left you soaking. It was fun all the things that happened all the year there then.
And all around the whole fence that shut these joys in was a hedge of roses, not wild, they had been planted, but now they were very sweet and small and abundant and all the people from that part of Gossols came to pick the leaves to make sweet scented jars and pillows, and always all the Herslands were indignant and they would let loose the dogs to bark and scare them but still the roses grew and always all the people came and took them. And altogether the Herslands always loved it there in their old home in Gossols.
David Hersland's mother was that good foreign woman who was strong to bear many children and always after was very strong to lead them. The old woman was a great mountain. Her back even in her older age was straight, flat, and firmly supporting. She had it in her to uphold around her, her man, her family, and everybody else whom she saw needing directing. She was a powerful woman and strong to bear many children and always after she would be strong to lead them. She had a few weak ways in her toward some of them, mostly toward one of them who had a bad way of eating too much and being weak and loving, and his mother never could be strong to correct him, no she could not be strong to let his brothers try and save him, and so he died a glutton, but the old mother was dead too by then and she did not have the sorrow of seeing what came to him.
Always this strong foreign woman was great and good and directing, She led her family out of the old world into the new one and there they learned through her and by themselves, almost every one of them, how to make for themselves each one a sufficient fortune.
Yes it was she who lead them all out of the old world into the new one. The father was not a man ever to do any such leading. He was a butcher by trade. He was a very gentle creature in his nature. He loved to sit and think and he loved to be important in religion. He was a small man, well enough made, with a nice face, blue eyes, and a little lightish colored beard. He loved his eating and a quiet life, he loved his Martha and his children, and mostly he liked all the world.
It would never come to him to think of a new world. He never wanted to lose anything he ever had had around him. He did not want to go to a new world. He would go,—yes to be sure it would be very nice there, only it was very nice here and here he was important in religion,—and he liked his village and his shop and everything he had known all his life there, and the house they had had ever since he married his good Martha and settled himself to be comfortable together with her,—and now they had their children. Yes, alright, perhaps, maybe she was right, there was no reason, the neighbors had all gotten so rich going to America, there was no reason they shouldn't go and get rich there, alright he would go if his Martha talked about it so much to him, alright, his Martha could fix it anyway she liked it, yes it would be nice to have all of them get rich there. He would go, yes to be sure it would be nice there, but it was very nice here and he had his religion, and he liked his village and his shop and everything he had known all his life here, and the house they had always lived in since he had married his good Martha, and they had settled to be so comfortable there and to stay there, and now they had all those good children. But, yes, alright, perhaps, maybe she was right, there was no reason, the neighbors had all gotten so rich going to America, there was no reason they shouldn't all get rich too there, yes it would be very nice then, to have them all go and get rich there. Alright he would go, they would all go and get rich there, Martha could fix it if she wanted so badly to have it, she would be always talking to him about it. Martha could fix it anyway she liked it, yes it would be nice to have all of them get rich there like the neighbors who were writing all the time how rich they had it, and it would be good for the children to have it, and to send money to some of the old folks who would need it, the way the neighbors always did. Yes the neighbors always were sending money to their father when he needed to have it. Alright they would all go, his Martha could fix it anyway she liked it. If she wanted he would do it.
Martha began then and she soon sold their business and the things on the little farm and in the shop and in their house, and kept only the few things she knew they needed. Her man liked it very well then this being so important and he could use it as he liked to do religion. He liked it very well to see his wife do all this selling. He liked the feeling he had in him when they were all so busy buying and selling all around him, but when the people came to take the things he had been so important about when his wife was selling, then it was a very different feeling he had in him. It was hard for him then the ending. He had liked it very well while they were selling. He had liked the feeling of all the doing and the moving and the being important to all of them and everybody always talking.
It had been very pleasant to him. He never really had to do any deciding, and he had all the emotion and the important feeling, it was just like in religion.
But it was not so pleasant for him when the people came and took the things it had been so pleasant selling. It hurt him to have the things he loved go away from him, and he wanted to give back the money to all of them so that he could keep them. But he knew that that could not be done and he still keep his important feeling that was so pleasant to him; and then too Martha would not let him. He said nothing to the people when they came to take the things it had been so pleasant selling to them, he was only very slow in giving the things to them. He would lose them so that it was hard to find them but the children and Martha always found them.
Almost everything was sold and the people came and took them. He could not stop them. Now the things did not belong to him any more. Nothing now belonged to him. There was another man in his shop and he acted, in standing there and in selling, just as if it had all always belonged to him. It made poor David Hersland very sad to see him standing there, chopping, talking, selling, wiping his hands on his apron, acting as if it had all always belonged to him, now when there was no place anymore anywhere for Hersland, a place that really belonged to him.
It was too late now, he had done as his Martha had made him. He would have liked to buy back all that they had been selling. It was very hard to keep him moving. It was hard to start him and it was almost harder to keep him going. Now he wanted to settle down again and keep on staying. Perhaps the man who had bought his shop would sell it back to him if they would pay him. "No David," his wife said to him. "We've got to go now, don't talk so foolishly about buying when we just hardly have got through selling. No David, don't you see how the children are all so excited about going. How can you talk so when we have to be working every minute and in two days now we've got to be moving."
Yes it was hard to start him but it was almost harder to keep him going. His Martha worked hard with him to keep him moving. She had to tell it to him very often that now there was no other way for him to be doing. Now they were started they just had to keep going.
Yes it was very hard to keep him moving. It was hard to start him but it was even harder to keep him going. But now it was all done and they were all of them ready to do the last beginning. They were all already to leave the next morning. All the things they had kept had been put in a wagon, the littlest children were to ride on top of them, the rest were to walk beside them until they came to the city by the water where they would find the ship that was to take them to that new world where they were all to make a fortune.
They started very well the next morning, with all the people to say good-by to them and with all the things they needed piled in the wagon, the littlest children set on top of them, the rest of them to walk beside them. The mother was like a great mountain, good and firm and directing, and as always able to uphold around her, her man, her children, and everybody who needed directing, and he was feeling it once more good inside him to be important as if it were in religion, and all the talking and moving and everybody so excited about him. It was very pleasant just then for him, and then the wagon began moving, and some went a little way with them and then they all left them and then it was only the family and the driver of the wagon who were with him and all the pleasant feeling left him.
They went on and on and then suddenly they missed him, the father was not there any longer with them. The mother went back patiently to find him. He was sitting at the first turning, looking at the village below him, at all the things he was leaving, and he simply could not endure it in him.
His wife called to him. He sighed and she came to him. "Don't you want to be going David," she said to him. "If you don't really want to be going you've just got to say David what you want to be doing. I'll never be a woman to make you do anything you are not really wanting. You just say David what it is you are really wanting. I'll do it if you want me really badly to do it. You know I never want you not to do everything just like you really need it. The children, they are all waiting there just for you to say it. David I say you just say it what you want and I do it." He sighed and he looked a little sullen.
"Of course Martha you know I do what I got to do for you and the children. You know I always do what is right for me to do for you and the children. I don't ever think what I am needing, I only just want to do the best I can for you and the children. Can't you see Martha I just came back here to see it. That ain't got nothing to do with what I made up my mind was the right way to do it. I just came here to see I don't forget it. Yes I come now Martha. Sure I always will do it what is right for me to do so you and the children can have it. I never do any other way in it. I go on with you now I got another look to see I don't forget it. I just stopped here to see it. Its just I wanted to see what way it looked so I would get it right not to forget it. Alright Martha I come, you go on, I be with you in a minute. I just look to see I got it fixed right so I don't forget it. Alright Martha I come now. I got it fixed now I can't forget it. Alright we go on now I done what I needed. I came back just to do it. Now we go on to the children and we go on to do it like we said we would do it." And he sighed and he got up and he looked back as he went away from it and she talked about how much the children were going to like it and he began to forget it.
All, the wagon and the driver and the horses and the children, had waited for them to come up to it. Now they went on again, slowly and creaking, as is the way always when a whole family do it. Moving through a country is never done very quickly when a whole family do it.
They had not gone very far yet. They had not been going many hours. They were all having now just coming in them their first tired, the first hot sense of being very tired. This is the hardest time in a day's walking to press through and get over being tired until it comes to the last tired, that last dead tired sense that is so tired. Then you cannot press through to a new strength and to get another tired, you just keep on, that is you keep on when you have learned how you can do it, then you just get hardened to it and know there is no pressing through it, there is no way to win out beyond it, it is just a dreary dull dead tired, and you must learn to know it, and it is always and you must learn to bear it, the dull drag of being almost dead with being tired.
In between these first and last are many little times of tired, many ways of being very tired, but never any like the first hot tired when you begin to learn how to press through it and never any like the last dead tired with no beyond ever to it.
It was this first hot tired they all had in them now just in its beginning, and they were all in their various ways trying to press themselves to go through it, and they were mostly very good about it and not impatient or complaining. They were all now beginning with the dull tired sense of hot trudging when every step has its conscious meaning and all the movement is as if one were lifting each muscle and every part of the skin as a separate action. All the springiness had left them, it was a weary conscious moving the way it always is before one presses through it to the time of steady walking that comes when one does not any longer do it with a conscious sense with each movement. It is not until one has settled to it, the steady walk where one is not conscious of the movement, that you have become really strong to do it, and the whole family were now just coming to it, they were just pressing through their first hot tired.
And now once more the father had done it. The father was no longer with them, once more he had slipped back and they had lost him.
The mother said to the children. "Well you go on, I go back to get him." She felt no anger in her toward him. She just went patiently back to find him.
She told the children to keep on slowly as they were going and she would go back and find him. She walked back looking patiently everywhere for him. She found him before she had gotten back to where she had the last time found him. He had not gotten back yet to where be could see all he was going to leave behind him. She had walked faster than he and had caught him.
She had no impatient feeling in her against him. It was a way he had, she knew it, it was right for him to have it, the kind of a feeling he had about leaving. It was a way he had, she was not impatient with him, he was right to have that kind of a feeling in him. It was right for him to act that way to see about not forgetting. It was only that she knew he would like it and it would be so good for the children that made her want to urge him not to give up now they had made their beginning.
But she was not in any way impatient to him, she had no impatient feeling in her against him. It was just his way and now she would coax him and he would come back with her to the wagon. It was only a way he always had had whenever he had to do a new thing. And so she walked a little with him and began to talk about the children and how nice it would be when they would all get rich and how the children would like it to work and help him, and they sat down and after they had been resting, when they got up again she did not do any discussing, she just started him back toward the wagon, and always she was telling about how good he was to do what was best for her and the children. Soon they came up with the wagon which was still very slowly moving.
It was so hot doing so much walking, she said then to him, he looked a little sick, she thought he ought not to do any more walking, perhaps it would be better if he would get into the wagon and ride a little with the little children. It would be awful if he got sick and nobody to take care of them for he was the only one that could do their talking. And so she coaxed him into the wagon with the children.
They went on and soon it was too far, there was not now any more going back for him. And then he was content, and he had the new city and the ship, and then he was content with the new world around him.
They had, for a little while, a hard time beginning, but on the whole things went very well with them. The sons made money for them, the daughters worked and then got married to men whom they found making money around them. Some did very well then and some not so well, and they all had their troubles as all people have them, and some died, and some lived and were prosperous and had children. One as I was saying died a glutton and spoiling him was the one weak thing the strong mother did to harm any of them.
The old man never made much of a fortune but with the help his children gave him he lived very well and when he died he left his wife a nice little fortune. She lived long and was strong to the last and firmly supporting and her back was straight and firm and always she was like a great mountain, and always she was directing and leading all whom she found needing directing.
She was then very old, and always well, and always working, and then she had a stroke, and then another, and then she died and that was the end of that generation.
There had been born to Martha and David Hersland many sons and daughters. All who lived to be grown up had gotten married and almost all of these were prosperous. One, the glutton, died and left his wife and children to his brothers, he had not made enough money to leave them provided, and his brothers each one in their turn gave the money to support them.
Of the daughters two of them were well married. The third one always lived with her husband but it was her brothers who kept her dressed and gave her children education and then later in their life started them out in their working.
On the whole it was a substantial progress the family had made in wealth, in opportunity, in education, in following out the mother's leading to come to the new world to find for themselves each one a sufficient fortune.
In all of them the father and the mother were variously mixed to make them, but mostly it was the mother who was strongest in them. Some, like the glutton, had in certain ways the important feeling in them that the father had had in religion. Some, like the daughter who had not made much of a success in marrying, had his way of not being very good at keeping on even after they had made the beginning, but mostly all of them had the strength and solid power in them that the mother had it in her to give to all of them. Most of them began and kept on well after they had made a beginning. And so they were mostly very successful in the business of living.
In every one of them the father and mother were very variously mixed up in them. The fourth son, David Hersland, one of the fathers we must soon be realising so that we can understand our own being, was the only one of all of them who had gone to the far west to make his fortune. It is a little hard to see just how the mixture of this father and this mother came to make him. He was in some ways, as I was saying, a very splendid kind of person. He was big and abundant and full of new ways of thinking, and this was all his mother in him, but he had not her patient steadfast working. He was irritable and impatient and uncertain and not always very strong at keeping going, though always he was abundant and forceful and joyous and determined and always powerful in starting. And then too he was in his way important inside to him as his father had been when he felt his religion in him. But all this will show more and more in him as I tell you slowly the history of him.
He had gone as a young man to Gossols to make his fortune. This was the new world in a new world and it took this newest part of this new world to content him. He alone of all the brothers had this restless feeling in him. All the others did very well where the mother had brought them. He alone had needed to go farther to find for himself his life and a sufficient fortune.
As I was saying he had brought his wife to Gossols with him. He had married her in Bridgepoint where one of his sisters had settled with her man who made there a very good living. At this time David though he was quite a young man had already made enough money to support him and a wife and children. This he had done before he had thought to go to Gossols where he was to make his great fortune. And so it was right for his sister at this time to be anxious to arrange a marriage for him. Now the idea of going to the far west was just beginning to work in him. Perhaps marrying might keep him with them, anyway it would be good for him to have a good wife to go to Gossols with him, and so he met little Fanny Hissen. It was arranged by his sister that this young woman should be married to him.
Fanny Hersland all her life was a sweet gentle little woman. Not that she did not have a fierce little temper sometimes in her and one that could be very stubborn, but mostly she was a sweet little gentle mother woman and only would be hurt, not angry, when any bad thing happened to them.
Her mother was one of those four good foreign women the grandmothers, always old women or as little children to us the generation of grandchildren. These four good foreign women, the grandmothers we need only to be just remembering, had each one a different kind of a foreign man to be a master to them. These four foreign women, the one strong to bear many children and then always after strong to lead them, the steady good one who was patient to bear her many children and then always was patient to suffer with them, the sweet pure one who died as soon as she had born all of them for that was all she knew then to do for them, and the little gentle weeping hopeless one who sorrowed in her having them and always after sorrowed in them, all these four foreign women had very many and very different kinds of children.
The gentle little hopeless one who wept out all the sorrow for her children had many and very little children. She was the mother of the pretty gentle little woman that David Hersland married in Bridgepoint and took out to Gossols with him.
The little weary weeping mother of all these gentle cheery little children had a foreign husband who was not very pleasant to his children. He too was little like his wife and like all his children but there was a great deal in him to cause terror to his wife and children. He was like old David Hersland important in religion. It was very deep inside him and with him it was much harder on his children. His wife too had sorrow in religion, she had sorrow from his being so important in religion and she had sorrow too from her own self in her own religion. But then it was all sorrow and sadness, and always a trickling kind of weeping that she had every moment in her living, and it really was not much worse in religion. It was just a way she had, this trickling weeping, even as when it sometimes did happen she was laughing. She never ever really stopped her sad trickling, to her joy was as it has been said of laughing, it is madness, and of mirth who doeth it, for even in laughter the heart is sorrowful and the end of that mirth is heaviness. It was in her as it was said by the quaker woman. I often think if I could be so fixed as never to laugh or to smile I should be one step better, it fills me with sorrow when I see people so full of laugh.
It was a hard father and a dreary mother that gave the world so many and such pleasant little children. Mostly they were cheerful little children. Perhaps it was that the mother had wept out all the sorrow for them. There was no weeping that she had left over to them. They were mostly all in their later living cheerful hopeful gentle little men and women. They lived without ambition or excitement but they were each in their little circle joyful in the present. They lived and died in mildness and contentment.
It was one of these cheerful gentle little Hissen people that David Hersland married there in Bridgepoint and then took to Gossols with him. And now he with all the mixed up father and strong mother in him and this little gentle cheerful pretty little woman who yet had a fierce little temper that could be very stubborn were to come together and make a life together and to mix up well and then to have many different kinds of children through her.
They had mixed up very well. They had made a good enough success with their living.
They had had five children through her. Two of these had died as little children. Three of them had grown up and were now grown young men and women, and these three are of them who are to be always in this history of us young grown men and women to us, for it is only thus that we can ever feel them to be real inside in us, them who are of the same generation with us.
The mother, little gentle Mrs. Hersland, was very loving in her feeling to all of her children, but they had been always all three, after they had stopped being very little children, too big for her ever to control them. She could not lead them nor could she know what they needed inside them. She could not help them, she could only be hurt not angry when any bad thing happened to them.
She loved them and was very proud of all three of them. Often she wondered as she looked at them, how could they be so perfect and so wonderful and yet all three of them be so different from the others of them that there was hardly anything alike in the three of them.
They were big children and each one of them in his own way was strong to do what they needed to find themselves free inside them. They were big children and she was only a very little mother to them. And they were not very loving children, they were too strong at finding their own way to feel free and important each one to himself inside him. They were to her very good children. She never had any trouble with them. And now she was a little ailing and they were good but then she never had been very important to them.
Now we begin to learn more about the Hersland family and their way of living.
As I was saying the father David Hersland was in some ways a very splendid kind of person but he had some very uncertain things inside him. He too was very proud of his children but it was not easy for them to be free of him. Sometimes he was very angry with them. Sometimes it came to his doing very hard pounding on the table at which they would be sitting and disputing, and ending with the angry word that he was the father, they were his children, they must obey him, he was master and he knew how to make them do as he would have them. Such scenes were very hard on the little gentle mother woman who was all lost in between the angry father and the three big resentful children who knew very well what they needed to have given to them so that they could be free inside them.
This is the way the three Hersland children grew up to be strong each one to be free inside him. They were all big in themselves and in their way of winning. Soon you will learn slowly the history of each one of them, how each one was important to himself in him, and how they won a kind of freedom for themselves each one inside them.
The little mother was not very important to them. They were good enough children in their daily living but they were never very loving to her inside them. They had it too strongly in them to win their own freedom.
They turned to their father, altogether, in their thinking. It was against him inside, and strongly always around them, that they had to do the fighting for their freedom. Now the mother was a little ailing. She was all lost between the father and the three big struggling children.
In their young days the father was proud of his children, proud that they were important each one to himself inside him, proud that they needed to win for themselves their own freedom. Always then he encouraged their disputing, he wanted then that they should fight and win out against him. As I was saying David Hersland the father of these big resentful children was in some ways a splendid kind of person. But now things were going less easily around him. Joy was a little dim inside now for all of them. Now he would often be angry and be given to pounding on the table and loudly declaring, he was the father, they were the children, they must obey else he would know how to make them. And the gentle little mother who every day was giving signs of weakening would sit scared, and afterwards she would be weeping, lost between the father and the three big resentful children.
But this was all when they had become grown young men and women and joy was a little dim inside for all of them.
Now listen to their lives as children, their early struggles each one to find for themselves freedom, the abundant father in them in those days full of joyous beginning, proud of himself and of his children, glad to feel that they were strong all of them to make for themselves their own beginning.
Now I will tell you more of the Hersland ways of living in the old home with the wind and the sun and the rain beating, and the dogs and chickens and the open life, and the hay, and the men working, and the father's way of educating the three children so that they could be strong to make for themselves their own beginning, and the gentle little mother who was not very important to them, who had sometimes a fierce little temper that could be very stubborn but mostly she was only sad, not angry, when any bad thing happened to them, and the three children with the mixed up father and the little unimportant mother in them.
As I was saying Mr. Hersland was big and abundant and always was very full of new ways of thinking. Always he was abundant and joyous and determined and always powerful in starting. Also sometimes he would be irritable and impatient and uncertain. Also he was in his way important inside to him, and all these things came out in his educating of his children.
Truly he loved education. It was to him almost all there is of living. He did not do it with steadfast steady working, things always were a little uncertain with him. One never knew which way it would break out from him the things he was very good at starting and then other things would happen to him and to all the people around who were dependent on him.
It was a very good kind of living the Hersland children had in their beginning, and their freedom in the ten acres where all kinds of things were growing, where they could have all anybody could want of joyous sweating, of rain and wind, of hunting, of cows and dogs and horses, of chopping wood, of making hay, of dreaming, of lying in a hollow all warm with the sun shining while the wind was howling, of knowing all queer poor kinds of people that lived in this part of Gossols where the Herslands were living and where no other rich people were living. And so they grew up with this kind of living, such kind of queer poor, for them, people around them, such uncertain ways of getting education that they had from the father's passion for all kinds of educating, from his strong love of starting and the uncertain things he had inside him.
Altogether it was a good way of living for them who had a passion to be free inside them and this was true of all three of the Hersland children but mostly with Martha the eldest and the only daughter living, and the youngest David who was always searching to decide in him and no one could ever understand him, from day to day what life meant to him to make it worth his living. It was less in Alfred, this love of freedom, in Alfred who was soon now to be marrying Julia Dehning. He had some of it in him but not so strongly inside him as Martha and David and his father had it in them. Yes I say it again now to all of you, all you who have it a little in them to be free inside them. I say it again to you, we must leave them, we cannot stay where there are none to know it, none who can tell us from the lowest from them who are simply poor or bad because they have no other way to do it. No here there are none who can know it, we must leave ourselves to a poor thing like Alfred Hersland to show it, one who is a little different with it, not with real singularity to be free in it, but it is better with him than to have no one to do it, and so we leave it, and we leave the Alfred Herslands to do it, poor things to represent it, singularity to be free inside with it, poor things and hardly our own in it, but all we can leave behind to show a little how some can begin to do it.
Yes real singularity we have not made enough of yet so that any other one can really know it. I say vital singularity is as yet an unknown product with us, we who in our habits, dress-suit cases, clothes and hats and ways of thinking, walking, making money, talking, having simple lines in decorating, in ways of reforming, all with a metallic clicking like the type-writing which is our only way of thinking, our way of educating, our way of learning, all always the same way of doing, all the way down as far as there is any way down inside to us. We all are the same all through us, we never have it to be free inside us. No brother singulars, it is sad here for us, there is no place in an adolescent world for anything eccentric like us, machine making does not turn out queer things like us, they can never make a world to let us be free each one inside us.
And yet a little I have made it too strong against us in saying Alfred Hersland was the only one who could in this adolescent world represent us. The father David Hersland we cannot count for us, it was an old world that gave him the stamp to be different from the adolescent world around us. But there is still some hope for us in the younger David who is different from the people all around us, in him who always was seeking to be free inside him, to know it in him, and no one could ever understand him, what it was inside him that made it right that he should go on with his living. He as you shall hear in the history of him, does not really belong to the adolescent metallic world around him, and yet there was not that vital steadfast singularity inside him that custom passion and a feel for mother earth can breed in men. He did not have it really for him, custom, passion, certainty of place and means of living, stability within himself and around him, a feeling to be really free inside him and strong to be singular in his clothes and in his ways of living.
But now to make again a beginning, to tell of the father David Hersland and the ways he had in him to make himself strong and important inside to him and to prove the right way to educate his children and the singularities the old world had stamped on him.
David Hersland believed in hardening his children. He believed that everyone should make for himself his own beginning, that every one should win for himself his own freedom. This was always strong inside him with all the uncertain ways that he had in him, with all the strong starts and sudden changes in his way of educating the three children who had such different ways in them from the things he meant to give them.
Mostly at first they the children felt this in him in the ways they were ashamed of him in just the simple ways he had of doing in the ordinary every day living.
It is hard on children when the father has queer ways in him. Even when they love him they can never keep themselves from having shame inside them when all the people are looking and wondering and laughing and giving him a name for the queer ways of him.
Mr. Hersland as I have been often saying was in some ways a splendid kind of person, and that was one way one could look at him. In other ways he was an uncertain changeful angry irritable kind of a person with a strong feeling of being important to himself inside him and not always certain to make other men see why he had so much important feeling in him. And then one could think of him, as children when they were young girls and boys felt him, queer in the ways he had of doing things that made them feel a little ashamed to say he was a father to them when other children spoke about him.
These are some of the queer ways he had in him, the ways that made his children feel uncomfortable beside him. They were mostly just simple things in their ordinary living that gave his children this uncomfortable feeling for him.
David Hersland was a big man. He was big in the size of him and in his way of thinking. His eyes were brown and little and sharp and piercing and sometimes dancing with laughing and often angry with irritation. His hands would be quiet a long time and then impatient in their moving. His hair was grey now, his eyebrows long and rough and they could give his eyes a very angry way of looking, and yet one could love him, in a way one was not afraid of him. He never would go so far as his irritation seemed to drive him, and somehow one always knew that of him. He had not so much terror for his children as fathers with more kindness and more steadfast ways of doing. One always had a kind of feeling that what one needed to protect one from him was to stand up strongly against him. He would stop short of where he seemed to be going, anger was there but it would not force him on to the final end of angry acting. All one had to do was to say then to him "Alright but I've got a good right to my opinion. You started us in this way of doing, you have no right to change now and say that its no way for us to be acting." And so each one of the three children, Martha, Alfred and David would each in their own way resist him, and it made a household where there was much fierce talking and much frowning, and then the father would end with pounding on the table and threatening and saying that he was the father they were the children, he was the master, they must obey else he would know the way to make them. And the little unimportant mother would be all lost then in between the angry father and the three big resentful children. But all this was when they were beginning to be grown young men and women. When they were still children there was not any fierceness in the house among them.
And now to come back to the queer ways of him. As I was saying the father was a big man. He liked eating, he liked strange ways of educating his children and he was always changing, and sometimes he was very generous to them and then he would change toward them and it would be hard for them to get even little things that they needed in the position that was given to them by their father's fortune and large way of living.
In the street in his walking, and it was then his children were a little ashamed of him, he always had his hat back on his head so that it always looked as if it were falling, and he would march on, he was a big man and loved walking, with two or three of his children following behind him or with one beside him, and he always forgetting all about them, and everybody would stop short to look at him, accustomed as they were to see him, for he had a way of tossing his head to get freedom and a way of muttering to himself in his thinking and he had always a movement of throwing his body and his shoulders from side to side as he was arguing to himself about things he wanted to be changing, and always he had the important feeling to himself inside him.
And then as I was saying he was a big man and he was very fond of eating, he had had a brother who had died a glutton, and he liked to buy things that looked good to him, and it would always be a very big one, he never liked to undertake anything that was not large in its beginning. The only time in his life that he ever took a little thing was when he chose his wife the little gentle Fanny Hissen who as I have often been saying could only be sad not angry when any bad thing happened to them, but yet she had a fierce little temper in her that could be very stubborn when it was well roused inside her and she sometimes had such a sharp angry feeling at some of the ways her husband had of doing, mostly when it concerned his not giving things she thought they needed to the children. But mostly they lived very well together the father and mother and three children, that is when they were young children, later it was harder for them when the father would get his very angry feeling and the mother was a little ailing and the fierce little temper broke into weakness and helplessness inside her and the three big struggling young grown men and women were seeking each one his own freedom and his own beginning. But now as children it was just the little uncomfortable feeling of being ashamed of the queer ways he had of doing that his children had to endure with him, then he was joyous and it was mostly pleasant enough living with him, and the mother was gentle and pleasant then with them and strong enough to support her little temper that could be very stubborn whenever it arose against him.
But even when he was not doing really queer things there was always a marked character about him. It came from inside him, from the strong ways he had of beginning, from the important feeling he had always inside him from his continual thinking and in a different way from that in which all the other people around about him were thinking, and this thinking somehow marked him even when he was just simply walking and then stopping to talk with somebody or just stopping to ask a question of some stranger or to talk about the weather or other just ordinary enough talking, the kind of thing anybody could be saying, and yet the power of being free inside him made him a marked man even then, and nobody could take him to be an ordinary person or ever forget him.
As he would be walking along with a child beside him or several of them behind him, he would stop and sweep the prospect with his cane and begin talking and somebody near him would come to listen. It was just ordinary talking that he would be doing, about the weather or the country or the fruit and it did not seem to have any deep meaning but it was the power and completeness of the identification of this big man with all creation that forced people to think of him. This man was big as all the world in his beginning, it was nothing in him even if he did not always keep going, he had been as big as all the world once in his feeling and that he never could lose with him.
And so he would stand talking and the unhappy uncomfortable child beside him would keep saying, when he was not afraid to break in on him, "Come on papa all those people are looking."
"What!" the father was not listening to him but would keep right on with his talking. The child as much as he dared would twitch or pull at him, "What!" but the father never really heard him and he would go on with the queer ways in him. Slowly his children learned endurance of him. Later in their life they were queer too like him.
Often when he was walking with his children and passed a shop and saw some fruit or cakes or something that pleased him he took it and gave it to his children and they would be most uncomfortable then and say something about not wanting it to him. "What!" and he never listened to them. The children suffered so because they were not sure that the man inside knew that their father would pay him. The father of course always paid for them but there was something in the manner of him that gave one a kind of feeling that he was as big as all the world about him, one included the other in them, the world and him, the earth the sky the people around him the fruit the shops, it was all one and the same, all of it and him, and this kind of a feeling he always gave to them who saw him walking standing thinking talking, that the world was all him, there was no difference in it in him, and the fruit inside or outside him there were no separations of him or from him, and the whole world he lived in always lived inside him.
It was all so simply to him as the world as all him, and it was this that gave him a big freedom and this big important feeling and the big way of beginning and so made a queer man of him, an eccentric from the others around him, and all that stopped it from making a god of him was his way of being impatient inside him and not being very good at keeping going but always making for himself a new beginning.
This large way of him when it made him take up fruit from shops to eat and to give to his children made a very uncomfortable shamed child beside him, and it would be protesting to him, and its father would say, "What," but he never listened to him. The child never did learn that the fruit man would not be worried with him, that they all knew his father and the queer ways of him, and that the father always paid them. The fruit men all knew him and liked the abundant world embracing feeling of him and they liked to see him, but his children never could lose, until they grew up to be queer themselves each one inside him, the uncomfortable feeling that his queer ways gave them.
To him, David Hersland, education was almost the whole of living. In it was always the making of a new beginning, the having ideas, and often changing. And then there were so many ways of considering the question.
There were so many different ways of seeing the meaning of the various parts that made education. There was the health, the mind, the notion of right living, the learning cooking and all useful things that he knew they should know now to be doing, and then there was his system of hardening so that they would be ready to make each one their own beginning; and all these needs for them and the many ways to look at them led to many queer things that his children had to endure from him.
Their education was a mixing of hardening, of forcing themselves into a kind of living as if they were poor people and had no one to do things for them, with a way of being very rich, that is having everything the father ever could imagine would do any good to any one of them.
This made a queer mixture in them. They found it a great trouble to them, this past education, when they first began to be young grown men and women. Later in their living they liked it that they had had such a mixing of being rich and poor, together, in them.
As children they all three had loved very well this kind of living. As I was saying they had their ten acres, with a rose hedge to fence their joys in, in that part of Gossols where no other rich people were living. They had all around them, for them, poor people to know in their daily living, and from them they learned their ways which were queer ways for them who had from their father's fortune a very different kind of position to be natural to them.
In Gossols the Herslands could be freer inside them than if the father had remained with his brothers where the mother had brought them and this freedom he used in the education of his children. They never knew any one of them nor the father who was directing it for them just where their learning was coming from or how it would touch them. Mr. Hersland had all kinds of ways of seeing education. He was fondest of all of the idea of hardening but this was difficult for him to keep steadfast in him with his great interest in every kind of new invention, in wanting that his children should always have anything that could do any good to any one of them.
There was joy in them all in their later living that it had been Gossols where they had had their youthful feeling and later when they learned to know other young grown men and women they loved the freedom that they had inside them, that their father had in his queer way won for them. As I was saying they had ten acres where they had every kind of fruit tree that could be got there to do any growing, and they had cows and dogs and horses and hay making, and the sun in the summer dry and baking, and the wind in the autumn and in the winter the rain beating and then in the spring time the hedge of roses to fence all these joys in.
The mother had always been accustomed to a well to do middle class living, to keeping a good table for her husband and the children, to dressing herself and her children in simple expensive clothing, to have the children get as presents whatever any one of them wanted to have at that time to amuse them. She was a sweet contented little woman who lived in her husband and her children, who could only know well to do middle class living, who never knew what it was her husband and her children were working out inside them and around them. She had strongly inside her the sense of being mistress of the household, the wife of a wealthy and good man and the mother of nice children. When they were little children they liked to cuddle to her when she took them out to visit the rich people who lived in the other part of Gossols. They were all bashful children, living as they did in the part of the town where no rich people were living and so being used to poor queer kind of people and only feeling really at home with them who were not people in the position that their father's fortune and large way of living would naturally make companions for them. And so as little children when they went to visit with their mother in the part of Gossols where other rich people were living, they clung to her or on the sofa where she would be sitting and talking, they climbed behind her, and then too she wore seal-skins and pleasant stuffs for children to rub against and feel as rich things to touch and have near them and so they liked to go with her, and this and the habit of being children with a mother was mostly all of the feeling that they had for her until later when she was ailing and the little stubborn temper in her broke into weakness and helplessness inside her and they had in a way to be good to her.
They always in a way were good to her that is as much as they could remember to think about her, but it was not important inside to any of them to remember about her neither when as children they were near her or when later she was ailing and needed them to be good to her.
She was a little unimportant mother always to them and it was only as a part of the physical home around them that she belonged to them, either when as little children she was mistress of her house and attended to them or later when as weakening she needed to be taken care of by them. This sweet gentle little mother woman who had sometimes a fierce little temper in her that could be very stubborn when it arose strongly inside her, never knew really in her that she was not important to the children who had come into the world through her. She had a kind of important feeling always inside her. She had a little temper that could make her big husband pay attention to her and she had a power in her in respect to servants and governesses and seamstresses who worked for her. She did not feel it to be important to her what other people felt for her. The life in her family was all of living for her and her children she never thought about in the way of making them feel her. She had a little pride inside her to make her husband feel her, she had a bigger pride inside her to make her dependents feel her, she had no pride in her to make her children feel her, they were so made of her by having come out into the world through her that they really were apart from her. She did not feel them near her even as little children when they were dependent on her. Later they were so big around her, and she was lost away from them and they never thought about her. But she never felt inside her any anger that they had no deep loving feeling in them for her, all the feeling of pride in her and all the feeling of being important to herself inside her was to make her husband feel her and when she had her little fierce stubborn temper rise inside her, to make him yield to her, or later when the temper broke down into weakness and helplessness inside her to have him then be good to her. All the rest of her feeling herself important to herself inside her had to do with her dependents and the struggles she had with them and they had among themselves and so to feel her.
No she never felt it ever to be very important to her the relation of other rich people of her kind toward her. She had left Bridgepoint and friends and family feeling all behind her. Here in Gossols it was only the house and the ten acre place and those inside it that concerned her.
She knew the value of herself, and their well to do way of living, of her husband, and her nice children, and the simple expensive clothing they wore when they went out visiting to that part of Gossols where the other rich people were living. She could know the value of them and the way other people must feel toward them but these things gave her no strong feeling of being important to them, the other people, who did not come close to her in her daily living. With them it was only a continuing of her well to do living which was the only kind of living it was right to her for anybody to be having. That was there. To have it gave her no important feeling. It was right to have a well to do good husband and nice children and all in simple and expensive clothing, but in the ten acre place in that part of Gossols where no other rich people were living she was cut off from a lively feeling of this right kind of living. Here it was she herself who was important to her feeling, here she was not only a right part of a right way of living, as it had been for her in Bridgepoint in her family in the way the Hissens had always done their living, but she had an individual feeling, not with her children they were completely of her and apart from her as was the right well to do middle class living, it was always there so were her children but they were not important to her feeling. The things that made her important to herself in her feeling was the sometimes controlling her husband by her little temper when it arose to be fierce inside her and the stubborn way it sometimes gave her in acting, and in being mistress and deciding and being above them and yet in their daily living and so interfering with the seamstresses and governesses and servants and all the people they ever had working for them. Being cut off from the simple rich ordinary way of living never gave her any feeling. It was not being cut off with any sense of losing, it was always there existing, in her and for her, this kind of living and it was not important to her feeling. It was as if one could ever be thinking about the different kinds of air in different parts of the world where one happened to be living, the atmosphere of well to do living was to her as the air she was breathing, it was always there she could not feel it important in her feeling or her thinking, breathing was there, one did not know it as important to one's feeling until one was in some way sick and it stopped or made hard one's breathing, but so long as one was strong and living one went on like everybody else with one's breathing. And so it was with Mrs. Hersland and well to do living, she could not feel it to be important in her feeling whether it was in the rich part of Gossols that they were living, or in Bridgepoint, or in the part of Gossols where no other rich people were living. Always she was of well to do being, with a good rich husband and nice children and when she wanted to have it simple and expensive clothing. The sense of belonging to this kind of living could never give her any kind of important feeling. Her husband David Hersland with the queer nature of him might have an important feeling coming to him from just breathing, that feeling could come to him from the singular nature of him, from his being as big as all the world in his beginning, but to an ordinary gentle little mother woman there could never come such a feeling, this well to do living could only come to be important to her in her feeling if she could ever come to it through a losing, by their money going or by their losing position by some wrong doing, and such a kind of losing it could never come to Mrs. Hersland to ever think of as coming to them. And so visiting and being, well to do living and her children, these never gave her a strong feeling of being important inside her through them, it was only through her husband and the governess and seamstresses and servants and dependents that she could ever have an individual kind of feeling. It was queer that her children were to her like well to do living, not important to her feeling. As I was saying David Hersland had made a decent fortune even before he had left Bridgepoint. He had made enough money to give his wife and children a good position. And so when they first came to Gossols where he was to make for himself a great fortune they could afford to live in as good a hotel as was then there existing.
Things began very well in their far western living. Martha and Alfred were then very young children. David the youngest had not yet been born to them. Here Mrs. Hersland had been at first a little lonesome.
Mrs. Hersland had left friends and family feeling behind her. Here in Gossols it would have been natural for her to find other people to continue with her the well to do living which was the only right way of being to her.
They lived for a year in that part of Gossols where all the rich people were living. Here she had her first important feeling. Here she met a Miss Sophie Shilling and her sister Pauline Shilling and their mother old Mrs. Shilling.
Always Mrs. David Hersland had been a right part of a right kind of living. Not that she had not often had strong feeling, not that she did not have dignity in herself and in her family in her feeling, sometimes she had an angry stubborn feeling, sometimes with her sisters or her mother and later when they came together sometimes with Mr. David Hersland who was to be married to her. Sometimes it was a hurt feeling that made her sad not angry when any bad thing happened to her, sometimes it was a hurt feeling that made her a little bitter. All this had been important feeling to her, sometimes it had made a power of her but it did not give to her an important feeling to herself inside her. It was not apart in her from the feeling of herself to her as of the right well to do living that had made her and which was the only right way of being for her.
Old Mrs. Shilling and her daughter Sophie Shilling and her other daughter Pauline Shilling, first gave to her the feeling of being important to herself inside her, important, apart in her, from right being, right acting, and the dignity of decent family living with good eating being the mother of nice children the wife of a good well to do man, and all in simple and expensive clothing. This family of old Mrs. Shilling and the two daughters with her gave to Mrs. Hersland and the gentle dignity she always had inside her as part of the family she belonged to, gave to her a sense of a new power that was apart in her from the dignity of right being that she had always had around her. It was apart in her this sense of a new kind of power that she had with Mrs. Shilling and the fat daughter Sophie Shilling and the thin pretty dull queer always getting into trouble Pauline Shilling, it was apart in her from the dignity of right living that she had always had inside her. It was the fat daughter Sophie Shilling who was the new kind of friend to her, that gave her the sense of being important to herself inside her. Sophie Shilling made a new kind of friendship for her and it was a new sense that Mrs. Hersland had then inside her, different from all that she had always had in her, different from the right living that had made her.
All the Hissen people had it strongly inside them, the family way of good living. They were all in their natural way of family thinking gentle cheerful little men and women. They lived in their natural way of being, without any strong ambition. It was enough for them to hold to their tradition, the dignity and beauty of right living and right thinking, they never needed to go out to find ambition or excitement in their living, they had excitement and dignity inside them from their family and the gentle pride that made them; that, sometimes, came in sparkling, sometimes in angry flashes from them but mostly they were hurt not angry when any bad thing happened to them. They lived in their natural way of being without any strong ambition or excitement, they were each in their little circle joyful in the present, they lived and died in mildness and contentment.
They had never any one of them an important feeling of themselves inside, them to arise of itself from within them. Such a kind of important feeling would not be in them in the way of living it was natural to any one of them to be having. Mrs. Fanny Hersland never would have had such a feeling if she had lived on in Bridgepoint, going on always with the right kind of being, she would often have had an angry feeling, sometimes with her family, or her husband, or for them when things happened to them to worry them, and sometimes it would be a hurt feeling that would lead to bitter biting talking, sometimes it would be a hurt feeling that would make her sad not angry when any bad thing happened to them and always it would be she who had the feeling and the dignity and the good well to do husband and the simple and expensive clothing, and the nice children and she was the mother of them, but with all this strong feeling, with this being proud or angry or sad or stubborn or happy in her feeling, she would never have that kind of important feeling that she learned to be having in Gossols, first with Sophie Shilling as a beginning and then in Gossols later in the ten acre place where they were always staying cut off from being really a part of the right way of living. She would have been a part, if she had gone on with her natural living, she would have been a part of the right way of Hissen being; she could have been in her feeling angry or sad or stubborn or happy, or biting in her talking, or hurt when any bad thing happened to them, she could have all this in her feeling and yet not have that kind of sense of importance to herself inside her that comes with the individual being.
The little religious father who had made them all, all his children, he could not make others not living with him feel him, the little religious father who had made all of his children feel him had such an important feeling inside him, it was his religion gave it to him, it did not arise of itself from within him. It was only being as he felt himself, all there was of religion, could give him such a feeling of being important to himself inside him. He could make all his children feel him, he could in a way make them fearful of him and the religion in him, and all the religion was of him and he was in himself all there was of religion, and so it was that he had the important feeling inside in him, but this did not make any but his children feel him, it did not arise of itself inside him and he could not make any one who did not live with him feel it in him.
The little dreary mother with her trickling kind of weeping that she had every moment in her living, even, as when it sometimes happened, she was laughing, this dreary little trickling woman had with her sadness in religion and in her trickling weeping that kept on always wetting all the sorrow there could be in living, this trickling dreary little Mrs. Hissen, who wept out all the sorrow for her children, had in her an important kind of being that was almost an important feeling, and this almost an important feeling did not come to her as in her husband from religion, it arose up inside in her with her trickling weeping.
Almost it was really an important feeling and it was the having too, such an almost important feeling that made her daughter Mrs. Hersland have really such a feeling when it came to her there in Gossols to have a, for her, not natural way of living, and it first came as a beginning with the old lady Mrs. Shilling and her fat daughter Sophie Shilling and the other daughter Pauline Shilling. With all the other Hissen men and women there mostly was not such an important feeling inside in them, only with the oldest of them who had religion as the father had inside him, and with her it was as with him, the important feeling did not arise of itself inside her, and only her children could feel it in her, the way of being important that being all there was of religion gave their mother as a power over them in her.
Mostly the Hissen men and women the children of the father and religion and the trickling dreary mother who hardly knew how she came to make them, in all these Hissen little men and women there was never very much of such important feeling. It was only way off there in Gossols, shut off from a lively feeling of well to do living, shut off from her friends and family feeling, that Fanny Hissen, Mrs. Hersland, could find in herself a really important feeling.
All the little Hissen people had very strong family feeling. All together they were important to themselves in their feeling. Not that they did not each one alone have strong feeling and each one of course had in them a different way from all the others of them of being loving or having an angry feeling. They all of course had in them their own individual way of thinking and of doing only they never had inside them each one for himself the real important feeling.
Some of them had often a very angry feeling, some had fierce tempers and sometimes bitter biting ways of talking, some had very stubborn ways inside them, and some had it mostly in them to be only hurt not angry when any bad thing happened to them. Yes they had each one of them their own way of feeling thinking and of doing but they had not any of them inside in them an important feeling of themselves inside them as the father had in religion and as the dreary mother almost had with her continuous way of trickling crying.
Some of the children, as I was saying, had it a little in them. The oldest daughter from her dull stubborn religion that was for her all there really was of living had it in herself and it gave her power over her young children. One, a little younger, Fanny, Mrs. Hersland, had from a, to her, not a natural way of living, and from having had it strongest of them all from the beginning, the almost important feeling that the mother had with her constant trickling, from being cut off from a lively feeling of right being, she had almost before ending a really important feeling. And one next to the youngest of them had a little such a feeling from almost an individual way of thinking, it never really came to a fruition but as with the mother in the constant trickling this one with constant and very nearly an individual kind of thinking had almost a real important feeling.
The Hissen family altogether were, and very really, important to themselves inside them in their feeling. Each one of them had always for himself and all the others of them a dignity and a gentle way of making himself important to the others of them and to every one who ever came to know them. They were all of them, each one in the gentle dignity they all had in them, important to every one who ever came near to them. With some of them, their eyes flashed often with a sharp angry almost fierce feeling, that things happening could arouse within them, often with some of them they would be hurt and then their mouths were drooping. In some of them it was a very stubborn feeling that was the deepest thing inside them after the family way that made all them, and these were the hardest to live with and never to be forgiven when they had been hurt or angry by something some one had done to them. But mostly the Hissen men and women were gentle cheerful little men and women, mostly they lived without ambition or excitement and mostly they were each in their little circle cheerful in the present. Mostly they lived and died in mildness and contentment.
Until they were all really grown men and women, until the women each one found a husband to control them and the men went into a business and were independent of him, until they were in this sense grown men and women, until he died the father always wanted and succeeded in shutting them all up to be always with him. This was not in him from any small feeling inside him but from the important feeling he had in him of being all there was for him of religion and it was his sense of the right way for them to be as children that made him shut them up so and keep them there close to him. Later when the daughters were married and the sons working were independent of him and had left him, he never in any way wished to interfere with them, with their feeling, their religion, their way of thinking or their doing. When they were with him, they belonged there and he held them shut in with him, when they left him, grown up men and women, it was no longer for him to act upon them, they no longer were his necessary way of living. It was never his children that gave him an important feeling, his power over them when they were shut up with him never gave him any kind of an important feeling. No it was his being all there was of religion that gave him his important feeling, not his wife nor his children nor any power he had from them nor the power he never had had with any one who did not live shut up with him. Nothing in such a way could give him an important feeling. They were his daily living, the necessary right way of doing, they were not important to his feeling, not in themselves nor in any power in him that came from them either as they were or as he made them. Such things could never come to him as an important feeling of himself inside him. It was only being all there was of religion that gave him such an important feeling.
It was queer unless you really could understand him, could really see how the important feeling came to be in him, it was certainly queer to just ordinary thinking to see a man who had been so rigid with his children, keeping them shut up with him, making them live every minute as he would have them, having no power with anyone who did not live so with him, it was queer that when these children came to be grown men and women, that is independent and living away from him, that he never in any way wanted to keep his hold on them. He had for them then as much affection as he ever had had for them, he always went to see them and was open and friendly with them but not in any way had he ever any kind of desire in him to interfere with them or their way of living or their thinking or their doing, no not even with their feeling in religion. They were his children, yes, but not now a part of his necessary living, even when, as he did some years before dying, even when he was living with one of them who with her husband had very different ways of living, of thinking, and of feeling, in religion than he had it in him, even then he never interfered with them who were now independent of him, grown men and women. The only thing that gave him an important feeling was being all there was of religion. When his children were shut in with him they were a part of him, they had to do with his necessary way of being, they had to live in his important feeling, with his being all there was of religion, but when they had left him, when later he even lived with them, they were then no longer a part of him, he was then, all alone, all there was of religion. By that time his wife too had left him, had died away and left him. Always in her living she had never been quite of him, she had been cut off from him, by her having from her constant trickling crying an almost important feeling. And so this old man who was to himself all there was of religion, to whom religion and himself was all there was of living, who had kept his children close shut up with him every minute of their living until they were for him grown up men and women this old man who never had had any power in him for any one who was not shut up with him, this old man had a queer way of being almost perfect in his toleration of things that were all different from his way of thinking and feeling and believing, even with religion, even with his children, now when they were independent of him.
So strong was it in him, this tolerating spirit toward them when they were grown men and women to him, that even when later in their living they sometimes asked him to guide them he would refuse it to them, for they were then apart from him, he was all there was of religion, religion was all there was of being for him; that made him important to himself inside him. It was not for him to guide them they who were apart from him, they were, then as all the world always had been, he had no power over anything not shut up with him, and so he had a tolerant spirit for everything that was not him, for his children now when they were grown up and independent even when as it happened later he was living with some of them.
One of them who had come to be grown up for him was the Fanny Hissen who had married David Hersland the man who was as big as all the world in his beginning and strong to prove this, his feeling, on all who met him, not only on them who were shut up with him, everybody always felt this in him, once he was as big as all the world around him, he was it, it was in him, there was no difference with it inside him or outside for him; in his beginning with Fanny Hissen when she first began her living with him she wanted to do as he would have her do in all things. It came to them, in religion, that his ways were not the ways that had been right for her to have when she was living with her family, when they had been all living, shut in with the father who was all there was of religion. It came one day to a very great division between her husband's way of thinking and feeling in religion and her father's ways as she had learned to have them inside her when she with all her sisters and her brothers were living shut up with him.
She wrote to him and asked him, she said her husband wanted her to go with him and it was not as she had been taught by him her father, she did not feel it wrong to do this thing but she could not do it without asking her father, who had never let his children do any such thing when they were shut in with him. What should she do, she would not make for herself such a decision, she would ask him, was it wrong for her to do this thing, to go with her husband to such a meeting.
The old man replied. "My dear child. There was once a priest, a good man. Once a member of his church came to him and said I have been thinking can I do this thing, can I go to a barber's shop and get shaved on a Sunday morning, is it wrong for me to do this thing. The priest said, yes he must forbid it to him, he must not go to a barber's shop on a Sunday morning and get a man to shave him, it was wrong for him to do this thing, it would be a sin in him. Two Sundays after the man met his priest coming out of a shop shaved all fresh and clean. But how is this, the man said to him, you told me that it was forbidden, you told me, when I asked you, that I should not do this thing, that it would be for me a sin. Ah! said the priest to him, that was right, I told you I must forbid you to go Sunday morning to a shop and get some one to shave you, that it would be a sin for you to do this thing, but don't you see, I did not do any asking."
Later in the old man's living, when his wife had died away and left him, he came to live with a daughter who had not any kind of an important feeling to herself inside her, neither from a religion to be all her nor from a constant rising up inside her as the dreary mother had it in her to have an almost important feeling to be inside her from the constant trickling of her, the father later came to live with this daughter who had a gentle dignity and good ways in her from the sweet nature of her not from any important feeling in her, and she and the man who was married to her, both, though they had respect in them for the father, and goodness and a delicate feeling to consider all who ever had to do with them, though they were glad to do for him everything he wanted them to be doing yet they had together very different ways of thinking, of feeling, and of living than he had known it to be right to have all his life in his necessary living.
The old father, strong as he always had been in his nature, firm in being for himself all there was of religion, knowing to his dying that religion was all there was of living, yet never in any way was he ever interfering in the living and the feeling and the thinking of his daughter or her husband or any of their children or any of his own children who were there in the same house with him. Now, for him who was no longer leading in a house with others shut up with him, with him who was all there was of religion, for him, now, that they were apart from him being grown men and women to him, even though they were all together every minute with him, although he was up to the last moment of dying as strong as ever in the faith of him, to be himself and to be all there was of religion, yet now it was not for him to ever in any way interfere with any one of them. He never found out anything that was happening, anything that he would not wish to know that any one of them was doing. What a man does not know can never be a worry to him. This was his answer to his children whenever any one of them wanted to explain anything to him or to get him to agree to any new thing in their living. And so he went on to the last minute of his living, never having had any power in him over any one who was not shut up with him and a necessary part of his living, strong always in his being to himself all that were was of religion, strong in knowing that religion was all there was of being. And so he went on with his living, now never interfering with anybody's living, now that he was himself for himself all there was of living, all there was of religion, and religion always was all there was of living. And so he went on to his dying and through his being so all himself all there was of living and of religion, he was in his old age full of toleration, and slowly in his dying it was a great death that met him. He was himself all there was of him, all there was of religion, and religion was all there was of living for him, and so the dying from old age that came slowly to him all came together to be him. He was religion, death could not rob him, he could lose nothing in his dying, he was all that there was of him, all there was of religion, and religion was all there was of living, and so he, dying of old age, without struggling, met himself by himself in his dying, for religion was everlasting, and so for him there could be no ending, he and religion and living and dying were all one and everything and every one and it was for himself that he was all one, living, dying, being, and religion.
Even his dead wife with her trickling crying that had been to her almost an important feeling of herself inside her, even she had been apart from him, and his children when they were no longer shut up with him were apart from him. All and everything was apart from him, and so he died, and with him died his important feeling, for even in his dying he had no power in him for any one not shut up with him. He was all of power for him for he was for himself all there was of religion. And that was all and he never had had any power in him for anything not shut up with him. And so he died away and left them and his important feeling died inside him.
All of his children had each mixed up in them the father, important to himself in his religion, and the mother, with her almost important feeling, with her constant trickling crying that made her have inside her her almost important feeling. She with the way it came from within her this almost important feeling that she had inside her, could have a power with all who knew her. She was not like her husband with his important feeling giving power only with them like his little children who were shut up with him.
The children had many ways of having the father and the mother mixed up to make them. One of them, as I was saying, the eldest of them, was stubborn and gloomy and hard in her religion and it gave her a power with her children but it was not so perfect to give her her own important feeling as religion had been to her father to give him the important feeling that was all him. In her own being she was not all there was of religion, she as a woman had hard ways that gave her power, not from her religion but from her power as a woman, as any one can have it by using the hard ways everybody has inside them, and so she was less in religion, she had no toleration, she was hard stubborn and gloomy in religion, and always she made it stronger by her power as a woman, and so she had not the greatness in her that her father had who made her, and she had not the almost greatness in her that the mother had arising inside her with the dreary trickling crying that was all her. And so in each one the father and the mother were variously mixed up in them. Some of them had it in them as an almost important feeling like Fanny Hissen who with this way of having it as a beginning, the almost important feeling that the mother had with her dreary trickling had it brought to a real beginning of a really important feeling, by the knowing old fat Mrs. Shilling and her daughter Sophie Shilling and her other daughter Pauline Shilling, and then in her later living cut off from a lively sense of being part of being which was for her the natural way of living she got it more and more then from her servants and governesses and seamstresses and dependents and the for her poor queer kind of people that she had around her in this later living in that part of Gossols where no other rich people were living, she got it from her power with them, being as she was with them of them, and from her position and her dignity of Hissen living always above them. From those ways that her later living in that part of Gossols away from where the other rich people were living gave to her, in this later living there came to her a kind of importance of herself inside her that was nearly an individual kind of feeling and this was what gave to her family later when she came to pay visits to them out of the far west to them, gave them a sense as if she were almost a princess for them, out of from them, belonging to them, having a different feeling of herself inside her from any other ones of them. Not that this was, in her, in any sense the complete thing of being important to herself inside her, it was only more marked in her than any other of them had found it from the natural way of living it had come to all the rest of them to be leading.
It was not different in her from the rest of them in one important thing. It was mixed up in her with the stubborn feeling that the not having the complete important feeling that the father had from being all there was of religion gave to all of them who had a little of him in them.
All of them, as they had more or less of him in them, had it as a stubborn feeling, for none of them had it as a complete thing as he had had it inside him, and with the eldest of them, as I was saying, she who had most of the religion, with her it was a hard gloomy stubborn feeling and so this eldest one who had as much important feeling as the Fanny who had lived away from them and then had had in her come this for them important thing, this eldest of them although she was a power to all the rest of them by reason of the important feeling they knew inside her for them, was never a princess to them, she had not the gentleness and generous dignity that won them as their other sister had for them she who had had made to her the important feeling of herself inside her by the being away from all of them, away from the natural way of living for them.
Then there were others of them who had all the sweetness in them that had turned to dreary trickling in the mother who had born all them, and one of those who had this sweetness in her dignity and gentleness and generous ways and so was a power to them was the one that the father lived with after his dreary wife had died away and left them.
With these who had sweetness in them, with those who had changed into sweetness the dreary trickling of the mother that had born them, many of them, strongest in them after the sweetness and gentle dignity that made them, had it as the strongest thing inside them to be hurt not angry when any bad thing happened to them, they would be hurt then and their mouths would be drooping. And always all of these, the sweetest of them, had in them some of the stubbornness that not being the complete thing as their father had been was sure to put into them.
In some of them the mixing of the trickling and the stubbornness inside them came to make an angry feeling that came in flashes from them, in some of them it came to make a suspicious feeling inside them that made it hard for them to trust in women or in men, and always, as I was saying, the father and the dreary mother were very variously mixed up in each one of them.
As I was saying, one of them who even more than Fanny Hissen had the almost important feeling that the mother had inside her with her constant trickling crying that was always rising in her, this one came to have it even more in her, came to have it almost really in her by an individual kind of thinking that arose of itself inside her. She had the gentle tenderness in her that made constant dreary trickling in her mother, and it came all from inside her, and she had no stubborn ways in her, she was pure as the sweetest ones of those around her those who had turned to sweetness the dreariness of their mother, and she had not stubbornness inside her, she had only from her father the thinking that had made him for himself to be all there was of power. And this one of the Hissen women came very near to winning, came very near to seeing, came very nearly making of herself to herself a really individual being. She was a little not strong enough in keeping going, and so with her it came only to being a very nearly really important feeling of herself to herself inside her. And she was the nearest any of them ever came to winning.
There were very many of them and each one, of course, had his or her own individual way of feeling, thinking, and of doing, and with all of them the father and the mother were variously mixed up in them, and with some of them it was more the father and it made sometimes a stubborn feeling to be the most important thing inside them after the family that made all them and sometimes this the stubborn feeling met in them with the other things they had within them and sometimes then it was a sharp bright angry feeling that was strongest in them after the family way that had made all them, and these then would have a stubborn or an angry feeling when anything happened to any one of them. And then in some of them it was the dreary mother that was strongest in them and they had a sweetness in them and these then would have hurt feelings in them and very often with them then, their mouths would be drooping and these would then be hurt not angry when any bad thing happened to them. And sometimes there was a mixing up of all these ways together in them.
But mostly all of them were cheerful hopeful contented men and women, mostly they lived without ambition or excitement but they were each in their little circle joyful in the present. Mostly they lived and died in mildness and contentment.
David Hersland married Fanny Hissen. He took her out to Gossols with him. He married her in Bridgepoint where her family had always been living. David Hersland had been there visiting a sister who had settled there with her man who was making a very good living. David Hersland was a young man then but already he had made by himself enough money to support himself and a wife and children. And now it had come to him to go west to Gossols where he was to make a great fortune. And so it was right for his sister at this time to arrange a marriage for him. The idea of going to Gossols was just beginning in him. Perhaps marrying might keep him from going, any way it would be good for him to have a good wife to go to Gossols with him.
He met Fanny Hissen and she was pleasing to him. It was arranged by his sister that this young woman was to be married to him. They married soon after the first meeting and then they mixed up their two natures in them and then through them there came the three children, Martha, Alfred, and young David, and these three are of them who are to be always in this history of us young grown men and women to us. In the history of them we will be always ourselves and our friends inside them for so we know them those who are for us always young grown men and women to us even when they are of the age of children or later grown old men and women. Always they are us and we them and so always they are for us young grown men and women.
So now then we begin again this history of us and always we must keep in us the knowledge of the men and women who as parents and grandparents came together and mixed up to make us and we must have always in us a lively sense of these mothers and these fathers, of how they lived and married and then they had us and we came to be inside us in us. We must realise always in us, so that we can know what is us, we must realise inside us their lives and marriages and feelings and how they all slowly came to make us. All things in them must be important to us. And so we must know slowly inside us how they came to be married and so made us, and we must know, so that we can know what we feel inside us, we must know the kind of important feeling in them that made them what they were in their living marrying and thinking, the things that were always inside them, the things that gave each one of them their individual feeling.
In the slow history of three of those who are to be always in this history of us young grown men and women to us, in the slow history of Martha Alfred and young David Hersland, of how they came each one to have their kind of important individual feeling inside them in them, in this slow history of them the thing that we have as a beginning is the history of Fanny Hissen and David Hersland, of their living marrying and their important feeling, and so now we leave the rest of the Hissen living and begin with Fanny and David Hersland and their marrying and then we go on with the important feeling that was always in him and the important feeling and its beginning in her with the new kind of living, and then in her later living how she came to be so strong in this important feeling that when she came back to Bridgepoint to visit the rest of them, the Hissens who had led the for them natural way of living, she was then a kind of princess to them. They did not know, any of them, what it was that made her so different from them. It was only her kind of feeling, rich ways and simple and expensive clothing and far western living could never give them the sense of her being as a princess to them, it was that she had in her, from her way of living that was not the natural way of living for her, it was from this living that had come to her and from the mother who had been begun again inside her that she had come to have a small almost important feeling of herself inside her. This made her different from the others of them. Only the eldest of them had it as a power in her, an important feeling of herself inside her, and they all could not bear it from her for she had no sweetness toward them in her. But all this history of her will come later. Now David Hersland is to be married to her and she is to leave her family feeling all behind her.
Later there will be more talking of the natural Hissen way of living. Later when the Hersland children have grown to be ready to begin their later living then we will know more of some of them, of some of the Hissen family in the, for them, natural way of living, of what it is in each one of them that makes him different from the others of them, even though they have not ever inside in them a really individual feeling. The mixture in them of the father who was to himself all there was of living and the dreary mother who had almost an important feeling was different in every one of them. Later Alfred and young David came to know them the gentle cheerful Hissen men and women. Alfred later lived with some of them. When he came to college he stayed with them and later he was there near them when he was married to Julia Dehning. And then young David stayed with some of them and always he was puzzling himself and them and no one of them could help him, but they all were kind and listened to him, he was puzzling in him every day to find out what it was that could make life worth his living. Martha Hersland never came to see them, she had her trouble far from all of them and then she went out of her trouble back to Gossols and so she never saw them. In American teaching marrying is just loving but that is not enough for marrying. Loving is alright as a beginning but then there is marrying and that is very different. In many towns there are many in each generation, decent well to do men, who keep on in their daily living and never come to any marrying. They all do a little loving. Everybody sometime does a little loving. It takes more for marrying, sometimes it needs a sister of the man to make his marrying, sometimes the mother of the girl who is to be married to him. Mostly it is not the mother of the man nor any sister who has not already then a husband and children who makes marriages for them. Mostly for marrying it takes a sister of the man, one who has already for herself a husband and children or a mother of the girl who is to be married to him. This is not so when they are young, the man and woman, and both are lively in the feeling of loving. It is so when the man has come to be fixed in his way of living, when he finds it pleasant to go on as he is doing. It is then that it is not enough to feel a little loving, it takes then his sister, or the girl herself if she is strong to do the work for winning, or a mother of the girl, to get the man really ripe for marrying.
The American teaching is very well for young people or for poor ones or for those who are strong in a sense of loving, who have a lively sense of wanting, who have strongly the instinct for mating, but for most of them, the well to do, comfortable men and women, it takes more to make a marriage for them, it takes others who are strong to help them, who have strongly inside them the need that all the world keep on going, who have strongly inside them the sense of the right way of living. Mostly those who have a strong sense inside them of the right way of living, of having all the world going on to marrying are the sisters of the men, they who have already then for themselves a man and children, and the mothers of the girls who are to be married to the men, and sometimes it happens that the mother of the man has strongly inside her this sense of right doing, those mothers who are not strong in jealous feeling whose sons are not as lovers to them, and this is the way it happens to almost all the comfortable well to do men and women and the American tradition makes us lie about them and mostly in our writing there are none of these ordinary, good enough, comfortable, well to do men and women.
American teaching says it is all loving but all who know many families of women, all who know comfortable well to do men with a regular way of living know that it is all mostly lying that says it is loving that is strong to make a beginning, they need a sister who has already for herself her own man and children or a girl who is strong to make for herself her own winning or the mother of the girl who is to be married to him. It takes one and sometimes even all three of them and with it a fair amount of loving to make the marrying of well to do men and women. Loving is good but it has to be a very lively sense inside him to make it enough for a well to do man to get married to a woman. Loving is good, and the girl has to be pleasing to him, but it needs coaxing, arranging, flattering teasing, urging, a little good tempered irritated forcing, or else the man will forget all about his loving. It is so easy to forget a little loving. And then he must see her very often and when he is drifting he must be brought back out of his forgetting. And it is right that they should do this for him else how would there be the right kind of marrying, how would there come to be existing the decent, honest enough, comfortable men and women that never get in the American tradition any recognition, but they are always in the world existing these decent well to do men and women with the not very lively sense in them of loving and their easy forgetting, and there are the women, they are always existing, they who have inside them strongly the right feeling of how the world was in its beginning and how it must keep on going. And so there is the right kind of marrying and decent well to do fathers and good mothers are always existing who have a decent loyal feeling of the right kind of loving and they have their children and so they keep on going and we decent respectable well to do comfortable good people are all of them. This business of marrying and loving is very different with the very young, or poor or with quite old men. With all of these loving is strong inside them, they are not so peaceable with their forgetting, they are quicker with marrying than comfortable well to do young men.
They are many families of women and the men find some in each one of them pleasing, and then the men go drifting, doing a little loving and then a little forgetting, and then restarting, until they get so strongly the feeling of loving, if they have the right kind of helping, that they come to have so strongly in them the feeling of loving that then it is an effort for them to begin again with their forgetting, and then they are ripe for marrying, and one of the family of women has him and marrying contents them and they have the right kind of living for them and everything keeps on as it was in the beginning. It is the truth that I have been telling.
David Hersland's sister Martha arranged his marriage for him. She was right to arrange a marriage for him. David had made enough money to support himself and a wife and children. Going to the far west was just beginning to work in him. Perhaps marrying might keep him from going, anyway it would be good for him to have a good wife to go to Gossols with him.
Martha, David Hersland's sister who arranged his marriage for him, had been married five years to a decent good man who had settled in Bridgepoint where he was making for himself a very good living. They had two children.
Martha was one of the two Hersland women who had done very well in marrying. She had an important feeling and this was like the father's feeling in religion, and she was like her mother in her way of keeping on strongly when she had made a beginning, and she always made a beginning whenever it was right for her to do so for her feeling. She was the best one of all of them to arrange a marriage for a brother who needed to have a good wife to go out to Gossols with him. Martha was very like her father. She was a small good enough looking woman with blue eyes and with a manner that was not very unpleasing. She was like her father because she loved to be important, but with her it was not in religion. She was different from him because she loved to be doing. She loved to be important by the doing of all the things that were right to do to her feeling. One of these things was the marrying her brother so that he would have a good wife to follow him and serve him. She thought a great deal about it and she did a good deal of talking and at last she decided to choose Fanny Hissen.
Martha, David Hersland's sister, who always did whatever it was right for her to do, to her feeling, was not very unpleasing. In some ways she was quite pleasing, she was so to her husband, to him she was very pleasing. She was not really pleasing to her brother David Hersland, to him she was not appealing nor domineering and it took women of these two kinds to be pleasing to him, but he knew she was a good woman who would always do what was right for her to do to her feeling, and mostly he thought she was right in her feeling and in her way of doing what was right to her feeling and so he was willing that she should choose a wife to content him.
To her husband this Martha was almost always pleasing. He was a big man with strong passion in him and a sentimental feeling and he wanted a wife, not to be domineering, but to hold him with her attraction, and always to be equal to him. He did not want a wife to appeal to him, he would not have one to domineer over him. It was his sentimental feeling that made him not want his wife to be appealing, he wanted to make her an ideal to him. He was a man to be master in his living and so he never would have a wife to domineer over him.
Martha Hersland who was married to him was just right for him. She was the woman to hold him and this one can see from the nature of her as it will come out from her in the history of her as she makes the marriage for her brother.
In some ways Martha was not very pleasing, she was a woman to make a beginning and to keep on going when it was right to do so, to her feeling. When she met with stronger women she would not stop herself from winning, she would not know that she was then losing she only dropped out of that working and made for herself a new beginning. She was not a strong woman, as her mother had been, the mother who was like a mountain, who had it in her to uphold around her, her man, her family, and everybody whom she saw needing directing. Martha was not in such a way a strong woman, she was not in any such way pleasing. She was like her father in her important feeling, but she was stronger than he ever had been, in keeping going, she was fonder of making a beginning, she always liked to be doing, and so she was not very pleasing, in some ways she was very pleasing.
It is this that we must use as a beginning to understand this kind of woman, to feel what she was doing in arranging a marriage for her brother David to content him, to see what she had strongly inside her of an important feeling, to know why she had the right way of doing whatever was right to her feeling in the business of living, to know how her husband could find her so satisfying, to find out how she was pleasing.
Martha was a good woman in doing whatever it was right for her to do, to her feeling. She was fond of doing, good at making a beginning, and almost strong enough to keep on going. It was always all right for her when there was not any strong person resisting, for then she was always strong enough to keep on going and then, though mostly, not altogether winning, she came then near enough to winning to give to her her important feeling. She would not end in any kind of winning if any other one kept up any resisting, then Martha would not know she was losing, she would begin with some other beginning and so she never could lose her important feeling. Her husband listened to her talking, he knew what she did from her telling, she was not strong to be domineering, she was strong enough not to be appealing, she was always attractive to him, she filled up his sentimental feeling, she was an ideal to him with no power to disturb him, she was always pleasing to him. As I was saying her brother did not find her pleasing but he knew she was a good woman, he felt that she was mostly right in her feeling and in her ways of doing, he was willing that she should choose a wife for him to content him and he was right to let her choose for him.
Martha's husband had a cousin who had once worked for old Mr. Hissen. This cousin and his wife came to know them enough to see them very often. There were not many people who came to know them enough to see them very often. The old man Hissen had his wife and children shut up with him as much and as long as he could keep them. One of them, the eldest girl among them, the one that had most in her, of all of them, of religion, had already come to her marrying. A cousin from another town came to see them and she wanted him and he wanted her to take care of him, and then they made the father consent to their marrying. Perhaps he liked it better that they had no good prospects before them. Marrying should be a sorrow to them, and the mother sorrowed in them, living was all sadness and she knew that it would be so for them. Anyway they were married and they were living happily enough when the wife did not feel too strongly her importance in religion. Now that they were married the old folks did not interfere with them.
This cousin of Martha's husband who had come to see a good deal of them tried to arrange a marriage between his brother and another of the Hissen sisters, one of the pleasantest of them. It was a good chance for her for the brother of the cousin was a very well to do man and he was a good enough man though a very stupid and a dull one. It was a good chance for one of them and this one, one of the pleasant ones of them was willing to meet him but seeing him set her off laughing and every time she saw him again she went on laughing and at last he grew angry and that was the end of her marrying. She never came again to the point of having a man want her to content him. There were a number of the Hissen women who never came to marrying. Their way of living and with no one except strangers to help them and the eldest daughter not doing very well in her marrying and being gloomy and important in religion and never very strong in pushing or doing things to help them, it came to their being a family of women and three of them, and they were of the pleasant ones among them never came to have a man who wanted any one of them to content him. They lived with their father and later with another one of them who had done very well in marrying and they were all together then gentle cheerful little older women, they were each in their circle cheerful in the present, they lived and died in mildness and contentment.
But now there was a chance for the marrying of another one of them, of Fanny Hissen and she was soon now to meet David Hersland and to see whether she would be pleasing to him, to make a wife to him to content him.
Martha had come to know them well enough to see them fairly often. She was pleasing to the old man Hissen. She was a sensible good woman and always neat in her dressing. She was not afraid of him. She was a patient woman and would listen to the trickling little woman who had always in her sorrowing, who told her often what she thought of living. She was a friend of the eldest daughter of them the one who was married to her cousin. Martha was sure that it was right to do whatever was good in religion. For her it was not religion, for her it was the right way to do in the business of living that was important in her being, but she had a sentiment for religion, she had a respect for the oldest daughter's important feeling. It was alright for both of them for Martha had her important feeling and it was not in religion, it was in the matter of every day living, and so there was no quarrelling between these two women and their kind of important feeling. They each had much respect in them for the other one's way of feeling and right way of doing.
Martha was a neat woman. She was a strong enough woman and always active in doing. She had a kind of sentimental feeling and that made her respect the Hissen religion, she had a hard way of thinking and that made her like the gentleness of all the pleasant Hissen women, she had a kind of a common feeling and that made her respect the old Hissen woman who spent her life in sorrowing, in weeping out the sadness of all living. And yet always Martha had the important feeling, she knew what was the right way to do to keep on living, to help people to marrying, to make the world keep on as it was in the beginning.
Martha was always talking about the Hissen girls and their way of living. She got almost to feel that she was a sister and a mother to them. They did not have in them any such feeling but then the Hissen women all had a pride in them that they did not have any kind of a common feeling in them, even the eldest one who was so unpleasant to the others of them never had any common feeling. Such a thing could never be in any of the Hissen men or women.
To the Hissen women this Martha was always a little common. But they were wrong in their feeling. This Martha was not really inside her even a little common, it was her hard way of thinking that gave the Hissens such a feeling. It was that she did not have in her any fine feeling. All the Hissen men and women had fine feeling. This Martha did not have any fine feeling but she was not common in her feeling. In Martha it was a hard way of thinking that was deceiving.
Any way the Hissen girls who were coming now to be women and who began to feel in them the liking to have men choose them to content them, were very willing to let this Martha do what they could not do themselves with the finer kind of feeling they all had in them. Not that Martha ever had a common match making feeling or ever wanted to do anything except just what it was right for her to do to her feeling. It was not a common or mean feeling that made Martha do what she did for them. It was a strong sense of what was right for her to do in the business of living to make the world go on as it was in the beginning; it was too, that she had a feeling for the gentle dignity that was the most important thing in all Hissen men and women so that they could not help themselves to win for themselves the things every one needs to have for his living.
And so it came that she chose Fanny Hissen to be the one that should be married to her brother David Hersland who needed now to have a wife to content him, to go to Gossols with him, to help him in his living, to have children for him so that the world could go on as it had from the beginning. Martha was right to choose Fanny Hissen to content him. As I was saying Martha was not very pleasing to her brother David Hersland who needed a woman to be appealing or a woman to have power, to make her attractive to him. One can see by the feeling that this Martha had for all the Hissen men and women that she was not appealing nor had strongly a power of attracting, and yet she was a good woman, and not very unpleasing, and David was right to let her choose a wife to content him. She could never have any reason to do anything that was not right to her feeling. She had enough of important feeling so that she would not have any jealous feeling to interfere with her right judging, and she had a hard feeling and that gave her a kind of common being that made her have in her a feeling that always would respect the fine being in the Hissen men and women, and yet she never could feel that she was not right to manage for them, for they had the weakness in them from being so fine in the gentle dignity and feeling that made all them, that they could never do for themselves what was necessary, for them to ever be winning what they needed for their living. And so she arranged a marriage for them for marrying David Hersland and Fanny Hissen.
It went very quickly from the beginning for Fanny Hissen was very pleasing to him and David Hersland had nothing common in him for them. He was too big in his feeling and in the way he made any one who saw him feel him ever to give any one, even gentle Hissen men and women any such feeling.
Martha was in a way common to them. David never gave any one of them any such feeling. Martha was not low in her feeling. It was her hard being that gave them such a feeling. She was always considering them in her feeling, she had respect for them and felt in them all the fine things they had inside them but to them she was not sensitive in her feeling, she was always a little common to them always a little low to them, they felt it always inside in them. With her brother David Hersland they never had any such feeling. David never gave any one of them any such feeling. And yet, as I was saying, it was not because Martha was lower in her being that they had always this feeling. The old man Hissen had not such a feeling. Martha was more pleasing to him then than she was to any of the others of them. To the others of them it was a certain thing inside her that was not so much hard but not sensitive or appealing that made them feel her to be a little common, to their feeling. David Hersland never gave any of them such a feeling.
It was not because Martha was low in her feeling. Martha was not low in her feeling, she had no dirty ways inside her in her feeling. Always she would do what it was right to do to her feeling. But not having the delicate kind of feeling made her feel things to be right that were right to the Hissen feeling but were not pleasant to them to see anybody doing. As I was saying, the old man Hissen had not any such feeling. No Martha was not low in her feeling and she was strong to do what was right to her feeling and only in little ways was she unpleasant to the Hissen men and women, though she was never really pleasing to them. She had not in her any power to impress them or anything appealing to win them.
No Martha was not low in her feeling. David had things in him that would be very low to them if they knew they were inside him but they never could come to know such things in him. He was so big in his feeling he could always carry them along inside him, inside him or outside him it was all one, he was in them they were in him and they could never come to any judgment toward him and so they never could come to know any low thing in him. It was very different with the feeling they always had that Martha was below them Martha had very little of any low or dirty feeling. She was not delicate in her feeling. She was a good enough looking woman, not unpleasing, always neat in her dressing and attractive enough like most good enough looking women. It was mostly never a low feeling she had in her and never toward any one of them but they mostly all always had inside them a certain sense that she was common to them. David Hersland never gave to any of them any such feeling. He was as big as all the world in his beginning and low and high and noisy and delicate it was all in him, he was it, they were in him and low things were big in him so that no one could ever feel them in him as low things inside him, no never not even when he was an old man and things were falling down inside him and around him in his being.
The only one who had a feeling that Martha was really pleasing was her husband and she was just right for him. He only heard what she said to him in anything that she had been concerned in and so he never came to any feeling that she was not a strong woman to win out in the things she always loved to be beginning. He never could know that she was not strong in winning. She always did, to herself, whatever it was right for her to do, to her feeling when she met with the beginning of a losing she would not stop herself from winning, she would not know that she was then losing, she only dropped out of that working and made for herself a new beginning. She was not a strong woman as her mother had been. Mostly she was not pleasing for she was not strong in winning nor beginning and she had nothing appealing to make her attractive to men or women and so she was not very pleasing, but she was a good enough woman to become a friend of the Hissen men and women, to be satisfying to old Mr. Hissen and to have her brother David Hersland let her choose a wife for him to content him. She was good in doing whatever it was right for her to do, to her feeling. She was fond of doing, good at making a beginning, almost strong enough to keep on going. It was always all right for her when there was not any strong person resisting, for then she was always strong enough to keep on going, and then, though mostly not altogether winning, she would come near enough to winning to keep in her her important feeling. She would not end in any kind of winning if any one kept up any resisting, then Martha would not know she was losing, she would begin with some other beginning, and so she never would lose any important feeling.
To her husband she was altogether pleasing. He had much very soggy passion in him and he had always inside him sentimental feeling so that he wanted a wife, not to be domineering but to hold him so that his passion could have a solid thing to bring it together in him, so that his wife should always be equal to him. He did not want a wife to appeal to him. It was his sentimental feeling that made him not want his wife to be appealing, he wanted to make of her an ideal to him. He was a man to be master in his living and so he never would have a wife to domineer over him, he wanted a wife to be equal to him so that she could harden for him the muddy passion in him, he wanted a wife to be an ideal to him to satisfy his sentimental feeling.
Martha was to him always pleasing. Her husband listened to her talking, he knew what she did from her telling, she was not strong to be domineering, she was strong enough not to be appealing, she was always attractive to him, she filled up his sentimental feeling, she was an ideal to him, with no power to disturb him. She was always pleasing to him.
It is easy to see how to the Hissen men and women Martha was always a little common. Between the eldest of the Hissen women and Martha there was more of an equal feeling. Martha always did what was right to her feeling. Martha had in her a feeling that it was right to do things in religion. Not that she had in her any feeling in religion. Religion was in her a sentimental kind of feeling. In her what was important to her feeling was the right way to do in the business of living, what was the right way for her to be doing so that she would do what was right to do to her feeling. She had a strong respect for the eldest daughter's important feeling. She had a strong respect for her important feeling in religion. It was alright for both of them. Martha had her important feeling and it was not in religion and each of these two women had much respect in them for the other ones way of feeling and right way of doing.
To all the other Hissen men and women Martha was a good woman, and she was a good friend to them but she was not really pleasing.
To her brother she was not really pleasing but she was a good enough woman for him to choose a wife for him to content him.
Soon now then Fanny Hissen was married to David Hersland and went out to Gossols with him, and now together they were to begin their living, to make children who perhaps would come to have in them a really important feeling of themselves inside them.
David Hersland who was to be the father of them, of the three children who were not yet come into the world through them, had always in him an important feeling, not inside him for it was all of him, everything was of him and he was it and there was not any difference for him between himself and everything existing.
The mother who was to bear the three children, she perhaps would come to an important feeling, she did not have it as a natural thing to have really an important feeling. With her it must come from a, to her, not natural way of living, and it first had its beginning with her friendship with the Shilling women. Then it came to be stronger with the living in Gossols in the ten acre place in the part of Gossols where no other rich people were living, where she was cut off from the rich living which was for her the natural way of being.
Mrs. Fanny Hersland had always had in her the beginning of an almost important feeling which she had from being like her mother in her nature, the mother who had had, in her sad trickling arising of itself inside her, an almost important feeling. This beginning of an almost important feeling, had never in Fanny Hissen been very real inside her while she was living in Bridgepoint, for then the strongest thing in her was the family way of being and that always would have been just so strong in her and it never would have come to her to have any realler feeling of being important to herself inside her if she had not gone to Gossols and left the family way of being behind her. It was only when she left the family way of living, when she went out to Gossols where she was to have none of the being always a part of the well to do living, that it came to her to begin to have this almost important feeling. It was not marrying that gave her such a feeling. Marrying would never have changed her from her family way of being, it was going to Gossols and leaving the family being and having a for her unnatural way of living that awoke in her a sense inside her of the almost important feeling that was to come to be inside in her.
It had its beginning with her knowing, in the hotel where the Herslands were living before they settled down in the ten acre place, it had its beginning with her knowing old Mrs. Shilling and her daughter Sophie Shilling and her other daughter Pauline Shilling. With them there began inside her a sense of individual being, not that it was different in her to her feeling, it was only different in her being. Now she had no longer in her as the strongest thing inside her the Hissen way of being that was then all her and was the natural way of being to her. Later it grew stronger in her, this being, that never was different to her in her feeling that she knew inside her, but later it grew stronger in her, a very little by her husband and the power over him she had in her, but mostly with the living that came soon to be all the being there was of her, the living with her servants and governesses and dependents and the for her poor queer kind of people who lived near her, and the way she had of being a power, of being of them, with them, and always above them, and the feeling they had in them; and all this gave to her the real being of an almost important feeling.
When one just met with them, old heavy flabby Mrs. Shilling and her daughter the fat Sophie Shilling and the other daughter the thinner Pauline Shilling, they were at first meeting and even after longer knowing like many other ordinary women. Yet always one had a little uncertain feeling that perhaps each one of them had something queer in her. One could never be very certain with them whether this possible queerness of them was because of something queer inside in all them or that they were queer because something had been left out in each one of them in the making of them or that they had lost something out of them that should have been inside in them, that something had dropped out of each one of them and they had been indolent of stupid or staring each one of them then and they had not noticed such a dropping out of them. Each one of them had perhaps a hole then somewhere inside in them and this may have been that which gave to each one of them the queerness that it was never certain was ever really there in any one of them. One never was certain with them that there was anything queer about them. Mostly they were just ordinary stupid enough women like millions of them.
The mother was one of those fat heavy women who are all straight down the whole front of them when they are sitting. When they are walking they are always slowly waddling with heavy breathing. Many such heavy fat flabby waddling women have something queer about them. These have big doughy empty heads on top of them. These heads on them give to one a kind of feeling such as a baby's head gives to one in the first months of its being living, that the head is not well fastened to them, that it will fall off them if one does not hold it together on them. This kind of a head on them is what gives these fat flabby women the queerness about them that makes strange things of them. They have been living, working, cooking, directing, they have been chosen by a man to content him, they have had children come into the world through them, sometimes strong men and women have been born from inside them, they have made marriages for their children and managed people around them, they have lived and suffered and some of them have had power in them, and they are flabby now with big doughy heads that wobble on them.
It is a queer feeling that one has in them and perhaps it is, that they have something queer in them something that gives to one a strange uncertain feeling with them for their heads are on them as puling babies heads are always on them and it gives to one a queer uncertain feeling to see heads on big women that look loose and wobbly on them.
Old Mrs. Shilling was such a one. It was uncertain always even after a long knowing of her whether the wobbly head on her was all that made a strange thing of her or whether there was something queer inside in her, different from the others of them, different from all of them who always give to one a strange uncertain feeling, all the many fat ones who are made just like her. Perhaps that was all that was queer in her, that which is always queer in all the many fat ones who are made just like her.
The fat daughter Sophie Shilling in the ways one mostly felt her has many millions who are made just like her. The fat daughter Sophie Shilling was a little like her mother but her head was not yet wobbly on her. Sometimes there was something about her that perhaps came from something queer inside her. Mostly she was just an ordinary rather fat young woman and there are many millions made just like her.
As one knew her with her mother and her sister she was an amiable enough good sister and daughter. Mostly one felt that she was a very good sister and a very good daughter. Not that it was a family of women that as far as one could know them were very trying to one another. They seemed to have enough money to live comfortably in the hotel together. They had a poodle dog who was company for the mother. They never quarreled with each other. They did not have any troubles there at the hotel where they were comfortably living together.
Sophie Shilling and Pauline Shilling were sisterly with one another. Sophie Shilling like most fat sisters was afraid of the thinner. Sometimes it is the thinner who is afraid of the fatter when two daughters are sisterly together but most often it is the fat sister who is afraid of the thinner. It is not so much being older or younger that makes sisters afraid of one another, it is a kind of power that always one has over the other, mostly it is the fat one who is afraid of the other because it would hurt more if pins were stuck into her, not that the thinner is always in any way meaner, sometimes it is the fat one who is afraid who is the meaner, but there is so much more of her, there is so much more unprotected surface to her, somehow, it is that which makes her afraid of the thinner even when the thin one is really never nasty to her. This was true of the sisters Sophie Shilling and Pauline Shilling, the fat one always had fear in her but the thin one never in any way was ever mean or nasty to her. It is this fear that the fat one has in her that often makes the people who know her and see the mother and the sister with her feel that the thin one has mean ways in her. Not that the fat one complains of her but there is a fear in her, and often it is only a fear from there being so much of her, but when others feel the fear in her they are sure it must come from the mean things the thinner one does to her. So it was with Sophie Shilling and they were very sisterly together.
It was a month or so after the Herslands had come to the hotel that Mrs. Hersland began to know Sophie Shilling. She had met her going about in the hotel and sometimes when she was out she met with her and they came in together. They soon were a good deal together. They soon began to call on each other. Mrs. Hersland began to know the mother and the sister Pauline Shilling. Pauline did not take much interest in her. Mostly she and Sophie did not have friends together. The way in which Sophie was afraid of her sister made any one who knew her have an awe of Pauline Shilling, made them have a kind of feeling about her so that they could never be easy with her. Always in them must be a suspicious feeling that there was danger for them in her and they must not be too free when being with her or talking to her. It was the fear in the fat sister that gave to all who knew her a restraint when they were with Pauline Shilling. Not that Sophie ever complained of her, not that Sophie ever knew that she had such a fear in her. It was always there though and affected all who knew her although from their own knowing of her they could see that Pauline Shilling had no mean ways in her. Of course there were people who first knew the thin sister and they never had any such feeling about her. But all who first knew Sophie Shilling never could come to be easy with her sister. Mrs. Hersland first knew Sophie Shilling. It is easy to see how the knowing Sophie Shilling and her mother and the sister Pauline Shilling would awaken in her the always possible almost important feeling that was quiet until then inside her.
Sophie Shilling never meant very much to her. They were very much together and Fanny Hersland always felt for her. She had no affection for her and after she moved away from the hotel she did not very often see her.
The year that they both lived in the hotel they were a great deal together but Sophie did not impress her, she never became really important to her, Mrs. Hersland had not realty any affection for her. Mrs. Hersland never came to feel any nearer to the mother, and the sister Pauline Shilling. Knowing Sophie Shilling and her mother and her sister was really very important to her. They were a problem to her.
Always she had a feeling for Sophie Shilling. Sophie never complained to her and the sister Pauline was always a puzzle to her. She never came to really know inside her that the feeling she had about Pauline Shilling was because of the fear that was always in the fatter sister, a fear that she felt always to be inside Sophie Shilling. Sophie never complained of her sister. She never knew she had such a fear in her. At first Fanny Hersland always felt for her, then slowly she felt that Pauline had no mean ways in her. Pauline was always very pleasant to her, she was always very decent to her mother and her sister Sophie. Perhaps later Mrs. Hersland would have liked it better if she had not first known the sister Sophie but that never really came to be a feeling inside her, even to the end of her knowing her she always felt for her, but, more and more it came to her that she was not sure of what she felt about her or about the mother or the sister Pauline Shilling and so it came to be that there commenced inside her, from the not being certain of the judgment which was natural to her, there came to be inside her a beginning of an almost individual feeling.
The thinner sister Pauline Shilling has not so many millions who are made just like her. There have been always many millions made just like the mother and the fatter sister Sophie Shilling but there have never been so many millions made altogether like the thinner sister Pauline Shilling. There have been always many millions made just like the mother and the fatter sister Sophie Shilling. That is, there have been always many millions made just like them if they really have nothing queer inside them. Perhaps they have something queer inside them that makes them different from the many millions who have been made just like them.
There have been many millions made just like the mother and the fatter sister Sophie Shilling. That is there are many millions who have been made just like them all excepting the something queer inside them which perhaps made them different inside them from the many millions who have always been made just like them.
Perhaps there was nothing that was really queer inside them. Perhaps it was only from the three of them living together and not meaning much to one another and not meaning very much to any other and so making all together a queer feeling when one felt them together which lasted over to the knowing each one of them. And so one had a feeling that there was something really queer inside them. This was most likely all that they had of queerness in them. They, did not have much meaning and the three of them being together and not having much meaning for each other gave one a sense of them that they had something queer inside them. Very likely that was all there was of queerness in them.
The thinner sister Pauline Shilling seemed perhaps to have more of individual being in her. Perhaps that was only because there are not so many millions made just like her as there are many millions made like her mother and her fatter sister. Perhaps that was all the individual being that she had in her.
Perhaps really the queerness of them came from there not being enough in each one of them to fill out the inside in them and so they did not have much meaning or any power or any sense of appealing.
The thinner one had not really any more meaning than the fatter one or than the mother who had born them. She had a more individual seeming because she was a thin one and she was one of them who have not quite so many millions made just like them. But even as a thin one she had not enough inside her to really fill her, to really make her important, not inside her, but to any one who came to be about her, she was not filled out enough inside her to give her any power or make any appeal to any one who came near her. The emptiness in her was different from the emptiness that was inside her fatter sister or her mother.
Pauline Shilling had not any fear in her of any one such as her sister had of her. The fatter sister had this fear in her because she was not all filled up inside her and that gave to her all the unprotected surface that she always had had on her and that made her have a fear in her, not from anything that was ever done to her, but from all the unprotected surface there was of her. She never knew at any time that she had such a fear always inside her and that made it the more deceiving in her, for one always felt it with her but one never really knew it about her.
The thinner sister had not any such a fear in her as the fatter sister had of her and always inside her. This is perhaps why one has a feeling that they are not so many millions made just like her. Perhaps there are as many millions made just like the thinner sister as there are millions made like the fatter sister or the mother.
The many millions made just like the fatter sister or the mother, each one fills up so much more space than a thinner that one gets the feeling that they are commoner, that there are many more millions of them made fatter than there are millions made thinner, and that these the fatter are made more just alike to one another. It is the unprotected surface of these who are made like the fatter sister, that make them seem more completely just like one another than when they are thinner. It is the uncertain head on the many millions made just like the mother that make them seem to be exactly like each other, a great deal more like one another than any of the thinner, alike as these may be to each other.
The vague fear the fatter one almost always has inside her gives a more common quality to her than any other kind of fear she could have in her. The vague fear that comes from all that unprotected surface of her makes it easier to see in her that she is just like all the other millions who have been made just like her all the other millions who have the same kind of fear that she has in her. This fear makes it easier to see a likeness to her than any other kind of fear that she might have had inside her. The thinner sister Pauline Shilling had a fear in her, she had a fear in her and all the many millions who have been made just like her have the same kind of fear as she has in her, but it is not from the unprotected surface of her, one does not always feel it when one is with her, it has not then the common feeling that can make it so apparent that there are so many made just like her as the fear in her sister makes it to every one that knows her.
The fear the thinner sister had always in her also came from there being not enough inside to fill her, came not from the unprotected surface of the outside of her but from her not being filled out well inside her and so she had the fear in her that always trying to fill up a hole in her without enough to fill it from the being in her without making some other hole inside her, was certain to give to her. This made her without any power, or appeal to any one who was near her.
She was always busy inside in her filling up the hole in her from the rest of her and so making another, for there was not enough inside her ever to entirely fill her. Always she was filling up a hole in her and always she was keeping anything from touching her, everything from coming close to her lest it should push an outside hole into her. She could never feel a power in any other, she could not believe in any other, she could not concern herself with any other, she could never let any other come close to her, she was always there, not filled up inside her, and that was the whole of her, that always gave a fear to her to be inside her, but a kind of fear that did not make a common person of her, as the fear inside her did with the fatter sister Sophie Shilling. It did not make an individual of her because there was never there a whole of her. She did not know that there was not a whole one of her. This incompleteness of her only made a self-defensive instinct in her, and that was all there was to her, comfort and keeping out of danger was all there was of living to her, and so she had no power in her for she had no power of attacking in her, for she was not all together, and it gave her no appeal to any one who came near her because they never could really come close to her, she could not let them touch her lest they should push a hole into her. She could not come near to any other, or believe in any other, and always she must be concerned with herself and the defense of her lest any one should touch her and make a hole into her.
That was all there was of queerness in her and there are many millions who have been made just like her.
Always one was not certain in their judgement of her because she was a good enough woman and always decent to her mother and her sister and pleasant and good enough to every one who came near her. Always there was in her that she would never let any one come very close to her. It was a fear in her. It never came to any one to know it about her for it was always self defensive in her. One felt that they never came close to her and so she was a puzzle to all who knew her, and sometimes they were suspicious of her and sometimes sorry for her. So it was with Fanny Hersland and she never came to know any more about her.
The mother of them was too empty to have any kind of a fear inside her. Her head was like a baby's, wobbly on her. She never could have an abiding fear inside her with such a head on top of her. She was without any fear in her either such a one as her fatter daughter had of another or as her thinner daughter Pauline Shilling had it, lest anything might touch her, that something might make her feel anything inside her.
This was very likely all of queerness that this family of women had in them and it came to be about each one of them because they were three together who had in each of them such an emptiness inside them.
It made a queerness, there being three of them, that every body felt who knew them. Always it was a puzzle to every one, for they were pleasant enough women as one knew them together and each one of them, they never quarreled with each other, they lived very comfortably there in the hotel together. One never learnt anything about them or against them, nobody gossiped about them, they were plenty of people who knew them and came to see them. Each one of them had their own friends and they always got along very nicely with them, only somehow there was always there this emptiness they had in them. It was a hole that each one had inside in her. It will never be known about them whether they had been made so from the beginning, whether something had been left out in each one of them in the making of them or whether they had lost something out of them that should have been inside in them, something that had perhaps dropped out of each one of them and they had been indolent or fearful or stupid or staring then, each one of them, and they had not noticed such a dropping out of them. And so one could not come to any certain judgment of them, one could never be sure about them, that they had something queer inside them, or that they were all three of them just like the many millions who have been made just like them.
It is easy to see how this puzzling quality of them would awaken in Mrs. Hersland who was almost always now with them, the always possible almost important feeling that was quiet until then inside her. She always had a feeling for Sophie Shilling but she had no affection for her, Sophie was not in any way important to her, Mrs. Hersland never came to feel any nearer to the mother and the sister Pauline Shilling. She never came to feel certain about them inside her and this not being certain of the kind of judgment which was natural to her, made a beginning inside her of an almost individual feeling, different in her, but not different to her, from the family way of being which had always until then been all there was of living to her.
The only important feeling Mrs. Hersland had in this time of beginning her new living was with the Shillings as I have been saying. After leaving the hotel she never saw much of them. Occasionally she would call on them to show her children. All the Shilling women were always good to them but they were never important to them, there came to be soon very little visiting between them and then very soon there was none. This was the end of the beginning in Mrs. Hersland of the possible almost important feeling.
Always now it kept on growing, a little from her husband and making him do things through her compelling, but mostly from her dependents, the governesses seamstresses servants and the others, the for her poor queer people who soon came to be always around her.
They had lived more than a year in the hotel. David Hersland who was always strong in his beginning commenced then to find the way to his great fortune. Soon he bought the place that was to be for a long time a home to them, in that part of Gossols where no other rich people were living. His children were then very little things or just beginning, his wife had just begun to know some people of the kind it was natural for her to have as friends in her daily living.
Because of the living in the part of Gossols where no other rich people were living she saw them soon only on occasional formal visiting, the children did not then learn to be accustomed to rich well to do kind of people and their living, the mother lost the habit of going to visit with them, she never at all lost the sense of well to do living, she just lost the habit of normal visiting, of being with them the people who were the natural people to have as friends in her daily living. She lived with her husband and her children and her dependents and the for her queer poor people who lived around them in that part of Gossols where no other rich people were living.
Big as all the world in his beginning how could David Hersland have a weak place in him then. The way he did the educating of his three children will make the nature in him become clear to them, will make it clear too to any one who will come to know the nature of them and the education that he gave them.
There were three of them and they all three of them came to have inside them their own kind of important feeling. That came through their being of him and from the education he gave to them which made them uneven in them, being of him and mixed up with the wife who bore them, made them uneven as he was always before them, uneven like the whole world together that he had in him and so it came that he was uneven as the whole world inside him and around him and so it was that there were weak places in him as there are in the big world which was all him. He was all full up inside him but it was not all the same all through him.
He was all full up inside in him and he was a big man and so there was very much in him and of him. He was all full up inside him, there was not much of any way that anything could enter into him. There was in him the kind of loving that he had for the wife he had chosen to content him and the children who awoke in him a different kind of feeling for each one of them and who were to win through him each one of the three of them a different kind of important feeling each one of them to have inside in them to content them.
The loving David Hersland had in him for his wife was that in some ways she was a flower to him, in some ways just a woman to him. He needed a woman to content him.
The power she had in her sometimes over him was not important to him, that was only a joke to him, what was real in her to him was that sometimes she was a flower to him and mostly she was just a woman to content him.
Often she was not important to him and this will come out in him, in her living there with him in the ten acre place away from the living that was her natural way of being.
David Hersland had his way of needing a woman to content him. Each man has in some ways his own need in a woman to content him, there are many kinds of men and women and each one of them is himself inside him. David Hersland had his way of needing a woman to content him, Henry Dehning had his woman and she filled up his need in him, and then they will come to be old men and it will be easier to see in them then how they need a woman to content them.
There are not so very many kinds of men nor so many kinds of women to content them. One can see this clearer in them when the men are young men, or very old ones, then it comes to be clearer in them that they need a woman to content them a woman to be a certain thing to them and that there are not so many different kinds of them, neither of the men, nor of the women who content them. There are though, all the same, a fair amount of different kinds of them and here we begin with one kind of them, with David Hersland and the kind of man he was inside him and the kind of woman he could find to be contenting to him.
David Hersland and Herman Dehning and the man who was married to David's sister Martha who made his marriage for him were all three of them strong men and all three of them needed women to content them and all three of them were very different each one of them from the others of them. Now to begin again with David Hersland and the nature he had in him. As I was saying David Hersland was a big man and a man who was all full up inside him and who was very uneven inside him uneven as the world that was all him. He was a big man and there was very much in him and of him. He was all full up inside him. There was not much of any way that anything could enter into him. A woman had to be a part of the inside in him to content him. She had to have a power in her, to give to him a feeling, or she had to be appealing and so to be a part of the feeling he had inside him. There was not much of any way that anything outside him could enter into him.
A woman to content him could never be outside him, she could never be an ideal to him, she could never have in her a real power for him With men, outside him, there was for him a need in him to fight with them. A woman could never be for him anything outside him, unless as one who could in a practical way be useful to him as his sister Martha had always been and now she had been useful to him and made a marriage for him, had found a wife for him who was pleasing to him, who had come out with him to Gossols to content him. Such a woman as his sister was for him, was like any other object in the world around him, a thing useful to him or not existing for him, like a chair in his house to sit in or the engine that drew the train the direction in which he needed just then to be going. Such a woman as his sister Martha, as a woman could never be interesting to him, nor any other woman who remained outside him, either when she could be to him an ideal for him or a power in any way over him, not that some women with power in them were not attractive to him, but with such a kind of woman, and he met them often in his living and they had power with him, such a woman always did it for him by entering into him by brilliant seductive managing and so she was a part of him, even though she was apart from him, and so she had power with him. Such a one until he would be an old man and the strength in him was weakening and the things he had in him did not make inside him a completely tight filling and so things outside him could a little more enter into him, until he would come to be an old man and the need in him would come to be more a senile feeling, an old man's need of something to complete him, such a one could never come to be a wife to him, could never be a woman to be his wife and content him. He needed such a woman as his sister Martha had found for him, a woman who was to him, inside him and appealing, whose power over him was never more than a joke to him, who sometimes when a sense for beauty stirred in him was a flower to him, whom he often could forget that she was existing, who never in any big way was resisting, and so she never needed fighting, was always to himself a part of him and inside in him, and so in every kind of way she was contenting to him.
Men outside him awoke in him, a need almost always in him, to fight with them. Women could never give him any such feeling to have inside him. If they had a power in them, he would brush them away from around him, sometimes with men outside him he would in the same way brush them away from before him, but they often then would be stubborn things around him, he could not brush them away from him; but all women to him, if he needed to brush them away from around him, he could so always rid himself of them. If a woman held her power in him it was because of brilliant seductive managing, and so there would not be aroused in him any desire of fighting nor of brushing her away from him. His wife was different to him, she was appealing there inside him like a tender feeling he had in him. Often she was not important to him, often she was not even existing to him. Sometimes, and this was the rarest thing in him, she filled for him a need to have a sense of beauty in him, then she was like a flower to him, but this did not happen so very often in him more often she had a kind of power over him that was only a joke to him, mostly in their daily living the power she had in her with him did not to himself touch him, it was her managing to have things for the children, to have her way in small things, sometimes in a big one, but these things never were important to him, and he never knew she felt a power in them, the only power he knew she felt over him was only a joke to him, it could never have any other meaning to him, and that was all there was of the effect she had upon him. Mostly she was pleasing to him, she was a wife who was suited to him, his sister Martha had been right to choose her for him to be married to him, to bear children for him, to go to Gossols with him, to be always, all the years she would be living with him, to be a woman to content him. He did not need now when he was still a vigorous man and strong in his living, he did not need to have a woman to complete him, he needed a woman only to be pleasing, he needed a woman only to content him. This perhaps would come to be different in him when he would be an old man and weakening, then perhaps a woman who had power in her for him, a power to hold him by seductive managing, such a woman could then fill up in him empty places made by old age and his weakening and his shrinking away from the outside of him, and he would feel it good to him then to be filled up once more inside him; to feel warm with a full feeling; and so such a woman then could have power with him, he would need such a one then to complete him. Now he was a strong man and vigorous in his living and such a woman could arouse him but he would not need to have her in him and he would, when she was too much with him, for he met her often enough in his living, he would brush her away from before him. His wife Fanny Hersland was the woman for him, the wife who was almost always pleasing to him, the one he wanted to content him, she was for him mostly like a tender feeling in him, she was a good woman to him, and useful to do the daily living with him, with the people around them, and with their three children, she was a good woman in his daily living, the little power she had in her for him was a pleasant joke always to him, the power she had in managing to do things for the children he never noticed as a power she had with him, mostly she was always pleasing to him, sometimes, and this was the rarest thing in him, she filled for him a need in him for pure beauty and then she would be like a flower to him but this came to be more and more rare in him as he grew older and was more filled up with his impatient feeling, then she was hardly enough to content him, always she was like a tender feeling in him but more and more as he was full of impatient feeling, she would be lost to him, mostly she would not then be existing for him, the power which was always a pleasant joke to him then had no more existence for him, a little yet sometimes then she might be a flower to him, always when he felt her then she would be inside him like a tender feeling but mostly then she had no existence for him, she was not enough then to content him, and then she died away and left him, and then the tender feeling was a pain in him, and then she was never any longer an existing thing inside him. More and more he was getting older then and weakening, and shrinking away from the outside of him and more and more then he had not enough even of impatient feeling to completely fill him, and so more and more then be needed to be filled up inside him and she was not then enough to fill him, she had, too, died away and left him, and soon she was not in him any more, not any more as a tender feeling in him, she had soon then not any more any existence in him, soon he needed much more than she had ever been, to fill him up inside in him. All this will come to be clear in him in his later living, and now there is the beginning, the three children, the ten acre place where they were living, this father and this mother of them and the dependents and the people living there around them.
They were living, the father and the mother and the three children, there had been two other children but they had died in the beginning, they were living then the five of them and the servants and governesses and dependents they had with them, in the ten acre place in that part of Gossols where no other rich people were living. Here they lived a life that was not the natural way of being for them here they had around them only, for them, poor queer kind of people and these came to be for them all the people they had in their daily living. More and more there was no visiting for them with the richer people who were the natural people for them to have as friends around them. The father spent his days with rich men for he had his business with them, he was making his great fortune among them, but more and more his wife lived with the poorer people who were living right around them, more and more his wife in her daily living had all of her being in her relation to the servants seamstresses governesses with whom she was living and she was always of them and always was above them and in the same way she was with them the poor, for her, queer people around them. She was with them and with her husband and her children and these were every day the whole of her daily being, sometimes as I have said, she went visiting with her children dressed in her rich simple clothing, but the children were awkward with the richer living in houses and people different from their daily living and more and more then there was not for any of them any visiting to the part of Gossols where the richer people were living.
Living in this ten acre place in that part of Gossols where no other rich people were living was very joyous for all five of them in the beginning. There was much pleasure in this living by themselves with all the freedom that ten acres could give them, all the freedom that was natural with the living with only, for them, poor queer kind of people around them. There was freedom in such a living, there was an important feeling in it for the mother of them, it was a life to develop in the three children anything of an important feeling that it was possible they could ever come to have inside in them. This with the father's way of educating all three of them made for them, each one of them, an important feeling inside in them that they never could lose in their later living. This education that he gave them came from the feeling he had that education was all there was of living for them, it came to be queer for them because there was in him such a strong way of beginning, because he had strong beliefs in him and often these were changing, because he was like the world which was in his feeling all him he was full up inside in him he was uneven inside in him, because he was already then very full of impatient feeling and more and more in his living he became more full of impatient feeling until when troubles began with him before there was the weakening of old age in him he was all full up with impatient feeling, then that was nearly all that there was in him, that was the end of him before old age began in him and this is the history of him.
It was very joyous for all of them the days of the beginning of their living in the ten acre place which was for many years to be a home to them in that part of Gossols where no other rich people were living. The sun was always shining for them, for years after to all three of the children, Sunday meant sunshine and pleasant lying on the grass with a gentle wind blowing and the grass and flowers smelling, it meant good eating, and pleasant walking, it meant freedom and the joy of mere existing, it meant the pungent smell of cooking, it meant the full satisfied sense of being stuffed up with eating, it meant sunshine and joking, it meant laughing and fooling, it meant warm evenings and running, and in the winter that had its joys too of indoor living and outside the wind would be blowing and the owls in the walls scaring you with their tumbling.
There was freedom and pleasure in this living for all five of them in the beginning, in the ten acre place in that part of Gossols where no other rich people were living, where there were around them only, for them, poor, queer kind of people for all of them to have in their daily living. There were then the three children, Martha, Alfred and David, there was the father of them and they all three of them more and more had a fear in them of him and all of them more and more mostly were in opposition to him. There was the mother of them and she was never very important to any one of them, she was not as important to any one of them as she was to the father of them for the little power she had in her was always a pleasant joke to him. Then there were the servants, the governesses and the dependents and the people who lived near them, who soon were all that the three of them had as people to be in their daily living.
The occasional visiting to the part of Gossols where the richer people were living had never much of reality to them. It was a kind of a dream world to them between waking and sleeping as one often has it in them when one is not certain whether something has really happened then. Such an inbetween existing which is not waking or sleeping was all that such richer living was for the three of them. It never was such an unreal thing for the mother of them. To her rich living was all that there was of real being, she never really knew that she was no longer part of such living. She felt herself always to be of well to do living which was all that there was of being in her thinking. The important feeling of herself inside her which came to her from the living which was not the kind of living that was natural to her to be leading never was conscious to her as being inside her, never was conscious in her as different from the kind of living that had been natural to her. But it did make of her a different creature and this she was inside her though she never came to know it in her. Visiting with their mother came to be harder for all three of them when they were beginning to be self conscious and a little older. When they were very little ones six years and younger there was a little pleasure in visiting with their mother. Then it began to be harder, they would shrink behind the mother, they got a little pleasure from the smell of fur and silk that they got as they shrank closer to her, they got a little pleasure from the smell of beaver that they had from the best hats they wore when they went with her but that was all there was of pleasure, more and more as they grew older they almost hated the people who lived in that part of Gossols where people were richer, where they were made by them, these children and the mothers of them, where they were made by them to have discomfort by their not knowing how to act when they came together. So more and more they would not go with their mother. More and more the mother lost all interest that she once had in her with the people who were the natural people for her to have in her daily living in the well to do living which was the natural way of being for her. It never came to be in her that she knew it inside her that she was different from the others who were the natural people for her to have around her, she stopped going to visit them for they ceased to have any interest for her but she never knew any of these things inside her. Later when once she went back to Bridgepoint it was this that made a kind of princess of her, gave her a kind of power with the brothers and the sisters who had never left the life that was the natural way of living for her.
The mother never knew it of them that her children were not comfortable with well to do children and the mothers of them because of the living that was not the natural way of living for them. It never could come to be a real thing to her that she was cut off from the right rich living. This was to her only that her children were shy in meeting other children, her children were never part of her important feeling, they were outside her in their realler being, they were almost all there was of her in their daily living.
Later they were further apart from her, she was a little one and she was lost to herself and they were away from her inside her, then she had a scared feeling in her, then they sometimes would be good to her. Now when she was younger and the important feeling was beginning to form in her they were of her as if they were still inside her, they were apart from her for they were never any part of the important feeling that was now beginning to come together inside her.
In that part of Gossols where no other richer people were living there was a straggling population, half as if it were in the country that they were living, half with a kind of city feeling. The Herslands had all of them inside them this half and half feeling. With the father it was not a half and half feeling. His country life was just a place to him for resting, sleeping, eating, thinking. His wife had her half and half feeling. Here was all there was to her of real every day living, here there was nothing to her of the kind of living that was her natural way of being. It never could come to her that she was not still part of the right well to do city living. To the three children it was a half and half being just as it was for all the people they knew, all those who lived near them, they were all country people a little in their actual living it was a small country town of them, they were city people in their feeling. This mixture in all of them, in all the people who lived around them, in the three children Martha, Alfred and David, in a different way in the mother of them, in a kind of way with her in the servants and the governess who were in the house with them, in his own way in the father of them, made their own life inside them to be different, the children and the people who lived near them, from the mother and the servants and the governesses who lived in the house with them, from the father who all the day lived with the rich men who were the people to have around him in his making his big fortune. It was then slowly coming to be true of them that the children were more entirely of them, the poorer people who lived around them, than they were of their mother then, than their mother was of them then though they were all that there was of their mother's daily living. Slowly in the mother the important feeling that later when she went to Bridgepoint where her family had gone on with their natural way of living, made her a kind of princess to them, beautiful and rich to them and apart from them, slowly this important feeling came to be working inside her and in a way in her it was like the important feeling that the governess and other servants had who were around her, it was different from the feeling the children had from their being part of the being that they had in common with the poorer people with whom they were living, different from the father and his beginning, his big fortune, then his impatient feeling and in his old age his weakening and his needing things to fill him. The children all three of them being a real part of the living of the poorer people who were around them had the same kind of half and half feeling that the people had around them, they had the living that was a country town living, they had the feeling that was a city feeling and only later in their living did they grow away from being of the people who lived there around them. Each one of them had his own way of such changing and this will come out in the character of them as each one of them shows it in them.
As I was saying the mother's half and half feeling was different from the half and half feeling that the children had in them which was the same kind of half and half feeling that the people all had who lived around them, it was different from the feeling her husband had in him.
The being the people around them had in them, the half country town feeling and half city ways they all had in them could never come to be in common with them to the mother of the three children who had the same feeling in them as the people around them had in them. It could never come to the mother of the three of them to feel it to be real inside them the being that was in them that they had in common with the people around them. It would never come to the mother of them to feel this in them, they were her children, they were, to her feeling, inside in her as they had been when she had born them, they were apart from her in their real being, they were a real part of the living around them and they had in them a half and half feeling like the people around them.
To the mother of them they were to the people around them as she was to them, of them and above them in her right well to do city being, it never could come to her to feel that the three children who were to her feeling inside in her as they had been when she bore them were in all their being all in common with the life they were daily leading with all of them who were there around them. Such a thing could never come to be real to her feeling; it never can come to be real to a governess in her feeling to feel the servant's feeling to be the same as her real feeling from the way she lives in the house with them. The mother to the three children of them could never have it to be real to her feeling what was really in their being that they were like those they had around them in the daily living that was all there was of being in them; the governess to the servants being in the same house with them she could never feel it to be real to them in their feeling that they feel it to be together with them to them the governess and then with the mistress of them; the governess to the servants, the servants to the governess who lives in the same house with them, all of them and the mistress of them to the people, the, for them, poor queer kind of people who lived around them. They were for all of them poor queer kind of people who lived in little houses near them. They were many of them. They were different each one of them from all the others of them, the three children knew these differences in them for they were of them, they were together with them, to the mother the governess the servants who lived in this ten acre place with these people around them, the differences among them were not to them differences as they were to the three children who were of them, so one sees them and it is as the children know them, as they were really inside them as they were to the others of them among them. More and more it will come out in them the differences in all of them with the three young ones who are of them then, these as they find it to be true among them, in them whom they needed to be friends for them of the people around them, these who were different to them each one of them to them who were of them, and then there is the mother of the three of them and the governess and the servants and then the father of the three of them and some ways in which he was of all of them, of the people around them, and then in some ways he was not of them, but mostly there was everything in some way in him, mostly all the world was in him and it was all uneven in him as it is in all the world that made him, and more and more now it came to be in him that mostly he was filled up with impatient feeling, more and more then it came that his children were in opposition to him, more and more then his wife was not existent for him, then he needed things to fill him but this was all the later living for him, now he was just beginning with his impatient feeling, now he was as big as all the world around him, he was it and there was not any difference in him to the people around him. In his children there was already then a little of such a beginning, they were already then a little not all of him, a little outside from him, not to arouse fighting in him, not to arouse him to brush them away from him, just to be there and not be him and he would soon a little begin to know this in him. More and more the three of them Martha Alfred and David were really of them the poorer people they had in their daily living, the half country town being they had in them the half completely city feeling that there was in all of them. There were many kinds of people there living in little houses near them, some of them living well in a poor way there around them some living in a straggling kind of way near them, all of them were in some way part of the daily living of all of them the three children and the mother of them, all of them were more or less part of the real being of the children then, never really part of the real being of the mother of them; always her real being which was not her important feeling, always her real being as she felt herself existing was the daily living with the three children as if they were still inside her and not apart from her and the well to do city living which was all there was of right being to her feeling. From her children she never came to have real important feeling of herself inside her, this could come to her from the Shilling family, a little from her husband as she felt toward him a little power, mostly from the servants and governesses who lived in the house with her, a little from the poorer people who lived near her.
There were many kinds of people then living around them. More and more the children came to know them, to be really a part of them to have the same being with them to have inside them the same half and half feeling, half country town feeling and half altogether a city feeling. Some of them were sometimes working for them, dress-making carpentering shoe-mending, odd jobs were done by some of them. These and the children of them were for the three Hersland children then nearly all there was of real being in them, Some of these came very close inside to them. For each one of the three of them Martha Alfred and David it was different ones among those who were around them who came close to them, with all of them there was changing and this will be a history of each one of them.
The household the mother father the three children of them, the governess and servants with them, they were all, all of them together then. More and more then it was then slowly coming to be true of them that the children were more entirety of them, the poorer people who lived around them, than they were of their mother then; they were neither of the mother or of the feeling she had in herself then, nor of the way she felt herself then as being of the living that was all there was of right being to her. They were all three of them then more entirely of them, the poorer people who lived around them then than they were of their mother then, than their mother was of them, though they were all there was of their mother's daily living then.
They were very many of them then the poorer people who were living around them, there were very many of them then and they were all of them in each one of them then different from all the others of them and this all three of the children knew very well inside them. They were a part of them, they were always together with them. The servants and the governess were to them as the mother was for them, the father gave a different feeling in them and this will be clearer for them as slowly the character in each one of them comes out from inside him.
There were many people living in small houses around them. Some of them were families of women, some of them were made up of some good ones and some who were not good to earn a living, there were families where it was a little hard to understand how they were living, nobody did any working, nobody had money that belonged to them. In some of the families around them there was a father who was really not very existing, no one was certain that he was a husband of the woman and the father of the children who all earned the living, such a one would just come and eat and sleep in the house with them, with some there was no mother and one was not very certain from anything the father showed in him or that the children remembered about him that there had ever been one. In one family there was a mother and she was a hard working woman, there were children some at home, some away from them, some about whom nothing was very certain, the father was not very certain, he was not dead to them he was not very certain only not very certain in his existence for them and in all of such families no one ever asked about the things around them, and no one ever talked about the queer ways anybody else had in him. All that was existing for any of them were the things that happened to them.
In several of the families around them the father or a son had mysterious things he was doing every day in his earning of his living then. Mostly there was nothing bad in any of them, one of them had an intelligence office where he was working, none of his family ever liked to talk about him, it is often so with the work men do to earn a living, there is nothing bad about them, there is nothing in the work that is wrong that gives a reason why they should not do it then to earn their living, they do it every day and earn a living then but somehow it is a feeling the family have about him that they never talk as if he were of them. Sometimes it is from the work he is doing, sometimes from the ways he has in him, mostly there is nothing wrong in him, there is nothing bad in his earning of a living, somehow it is not natural to his family to talk about him, to act as if he were a part of their daily living, he eats with them, he sleeps there with them, that is all that makes him then a part of them. Mostly in the little houses in the part of the town where no rich people are living the families many of them have such kind of mysteries in them. No one ever talks about them. No one is ever certain with them how many children there are of them, what some of them do to make a living, whether there is a father to them, whether there is a mother to them, how they all come to the money they have for their daily living.
The three Hersland children were of them, they were always of the people with the people who lived in the small houses near them, they were of them, they lived with them, they had the feeling of never asking any questions of them, they had it in them to never ask any questions about any of them, they had never any feeling to know anything about any of them that was not shown then in the daily living, no one of such people as they knew there around them ever asked such questions of any other one of them. Each one in a family then and every family of them together then always lived on in their daily living, there was a husband or a father to them or there was none, there was a mother or a wife to them or there was none, there were more sons or less of them, there were more daughters or less of them, no one ever asked any such question of them, no one asked what they did for their daily living, sometimes some of them would be gone a long time away from all of them, sometimes he would be rich then, sometimes he would come home then and be a hero to them, always there were uncertain things in any one of them to all of them and no one thought about them, no one knew them as uncertain things about any other one of them, no one ever asked any other one any question about them, mostly every one had it as right for him that each one of them should have a little house where his family was living, each family of them had a little house where any one of them and all of them did their eating and sleeping and washing, each one of them had his own way of earning a living, such uncertain things as each one of the families of them had in them are always there in all of them who are living then in the part of a city where no rich people are living, no one of them ever thinks about them, there is nothing for any of them except the things that happen every day to them, there is nothing for them except their daily living which is all there is then of them.
All of them who lived near the ten acre place where the Herslands were living in that part of Gossols where no rich people were living all of them then were good enough people and regular enough in their daily living and mostly all of the families of them had lived a long enough time where they were living then. Mostly all of them were honest enough men and women, mostly among them there were not any bad men and women. Mostly they were honest enough working men and women and their children went to school and went on to be decent enough men and women to go on living as their families always had been living. As I have just been saying there were not very many of them that were not good enough men and women. A few of them came to a bad end before they got through with their living but mostly all of them were honest enough men and women and they had good enough children and mostly they all made enough by working to keep on and be honest enough in their daily living.
As I was saying they were very different each one of them from the others of them, each family of them from all the other families of them. A great many of them had a little of an uncertain side to them, mostly in every family of them some of them had an uncertain something in them but perhaps the rest understood it about them, none of them ever spoke about them no one ever said it of them that they had uncertain things in them, perhaps it was all a natural way of being. Each one of them went on with his living and whatever came to any one of them was the natural way of living. It is queer in them in the families like them, the uncertain ways some of them seem to have always inside them. Perhaps it is all simple in them, mostly in all of these who lived around the Hersland family then, there was nothing that was wrong about them. Mostly they were all honest enough and good enough men and women with decent enough children.
There were many families of them. There was one family of them that was a family of women then, there was a father to them and he was not dead then or living away from them but mostly then it was as far as one could know them a family of women, a mother and there were three daughters then Anna and Cora and Bertha. There was a father of them, there was a husband to the mother of them, he was regularly with them in his eating and sleeping then, one saw him but somehow he was not really existing, he went every day to his working but that never made him any more of a real being. He went every day to his working, he came home to his eating and sleeping, he was regular in his living, he was regular in his working, he was not very real in existing. Many men and sometimes there is a woman and sometimes there are children of them, have such a way in them, they have such an uncertain feeling coming out from them, they are not real in existing.
The man then, the father of the three of them the husband of the woman then, was not existing for them, he used the little house with them for eating sleeping and washing, he went every day to his working. He was not existing for any of them, he was not existing for the Hersland family who were living in the ten acre place then near them neither for Mrs. Hersland and the three children then nor for the governesses and servants of them. With the father David Hersland, there was in him a little more of real existing, there was in him then that he was a man to feel it in him when another man spoke to him, when another man spoke as a master to him or as just a man to know him; there was then in him a feeling of being a male thing then when Mr. Hersland met him. There would be a greeting between them when this one met with him, when Mr. Hersland came home from his day in the part of Gossols where the richer people were living, when he met him walking, when he met him coming home carrying something he had just been buying, there was in the man the being that made him speak to another man when he met him, there was in him a being that made the meeting with another man give to him almost a real existence in him, there was in him just such a little being so that he could give to another man a greeting, could so get into him a real being from the meeting he had then with a man in giving him a greeting; there was in him, in such a kind of man and there are very many of them and they need men to give to them a feeling of existence in them, there was in this man just enough of a kind of being in him that always could make it certain that he was an object real in being, an object called man not woman the world around him then, and there are many of them and as far as any one can know such a one then that is all then that there is of him, perhaps there is more to him to the woman who is a wife to him or to his children who live in the house where he is living, perhaps there is a real existing to him but to all of those around him, to the Hersland family and the others who lived with them there was never in him any real existing, there was for all of them in the house where this man was living only a family of women, a mother and three daughters of them. There was nothing wrong about him, anybody could see in him that he was a man and there are many of them made just like him, there is nothing wrong inside them, there is nothing very strong of existence in them, there is nothing wrong inside them, it is only that there is not very much of existence in them, there is a little in them, they are men when other men are with them, they are men when they are alone then, only then it is not very strong inside them, they are men then, they are alone then, existence is not very strong in them then, there is just enough of such existence in them then that one can know them that they are men then when one thinks of them, one does not then when they are alone then ever think about them ever feel any existence in them.
With other men around them, existence in them gets to be a little stronger inside them, they come almost to feel themselves to be inside in them, there gets to be almost enough inside them of existence to make them then have other men feel that they really do exist then, but mostly in them there is not enough of existence to them to make women and children feel that they are really men inside them, men and having real existence in them, it is only when other men meet with them that the existence gets to be strong enough in them so that any one can know them and they can feel it in them that they are men and one with all the men around them, when they are alone with women or with children they have never in them anything of such a feeling, they have then nothing of real being, they go every day to their working, they come home to their eating and their sleeping, there is nothing wrong inside them, there is only nothing in them of real existence to them, it takes other men around them, it needs other men inside them, it takes other men to greet them, it takes other men around them to make of them a real being to be inside them and so it was with this one and there are many made just like him, and so this family then, it was to almost all who knew them a family of women then, the mother and three daughters of them Anna and Cora and Bertha then.
The mother's face was old now and a little wooden. She did dressmaking. She sometimes worked for the rich family near them, for Mrs. Hersland and her children. She was getting old now and a little wooden.
She was a foreign woman. No one knew it about him the husband who lived in the house with them whether he was or was not a foreign man. She was a foreign woman and she was a little old now and her face was a little wooden. She was a hard-working woman, she did dress-making, she earned a good enough living, they were doing very well with their living all of them then. The mother was a foreign woman, she had it in her to be really existing. She was existing for all five of them the Hersland family who knew her then, she was existing for her children, she was existing for all of them who lived in the houses near them, for all the people who ever came to know them, she was not important to them but she had in her a character for them.
The mother had existence in her in this she was different from the man who was a husband to her. She had existence in her, there was real existence to her, more than just enough to know she was a woman creature, she had existence in her, she had a character to her but she had nothing that was important in her, she was not important to any one around her she was not important to the three daughters who were then with her, in a way she was not important to the man who was a husband to her.
There was no past or present in her, there was existence in her, there was a character to her but there was nothing important inside her, there was nothing past or present or in the future that would be connected to her, but she had existence enough to make of her a really existent thing inside her, existence was strong in her in every moment in her, strong enough to make it to be real inside her, she did not need others around her to make existence inside her.
There was nothing connected in her with a past or present or future, there was existence in her, there was a character to her, she had no importance then to any one around her, she had the existence of the useful things around her, it was active in her this existence inside her, it was active in her and this gave a character to her, it was active in her and this was real existence inside her, this made every one who knew her know there was real existence to her, she had real existence in her but she had no importance inside her, there was nothing in her to connect her to a past a present or a future, there was real existence to her, she did not need others around her to make for her the existence she had inside her, they did not make it any stronger others who were around her the existence she had inside her, that was real in her, that was the character in her, that was all that there was of her, there was not in her anything to connect her with the past or present or future, there was real existence to her, that was the whole of her, she had no importance in her to any one of all who knew her.
As I was saying of her she was getting older now and her face and the body of her gave a wooden look to her.
There was nothing in her to connect her with the past the present or the future, there was not any history of her. They were three daughters to her and they then lived altogether, the mother the man who was a husband to her and the three girls Anna, Cora and Bertha. The only thing that could ever give to any one who knew her the mother of the three of them Anna, Cora and Bertha, the only thing that could ever give to any one who knew her a history of her was as they would see it in the history of each one of the three girls who had been once inside her, not of her then, though they were then inside her. The history of each one of them would never make a history for her, the three of them and each one of them made it that one could know about her the history of her. The history they each one of them went through before her as they went through their living and they were the daughters of her, was the history of her who had once had them inside her, once she must have gone through the changes that each one of them went through as they lived longer, there was no history in her, they never made any history for her, the history of them as they went on in their changing around her, each girl repeating in her in the changes that went on in each one inside in her was the repeating around her what once had been changes in her, they were not for her the history of her, they were not for her any past or present or future, there was not in her anything of history inside her, there was not in her any importance to her, there was not in her anything to hold her together with the three girls around her who went through their changes in front of her the three girls who once had been inside her, there was not in her any history of her, there was not in her any importance to her, there was in her real existence inside her, there was in her a character of her and that was all that was then her, that was all then that was ever in her, there was never any history in her, there was a history of her and that the three girls were living around her, they were having the changes she had had in her and now she was getting older and her face and body was getting to be wooden all through her and existence was always just the same in her, it was all there was of her.
The three girls Anna and Cora and Bertha went through the changes then and they were living then altogether, they went through their changes, the changes she had had in her, first they were in Anna then in Cora and then in Bertha and they were never to the mother a history of her, they were never to her a history inside her, there was never in her any connection inside her with a past or present or a future, these changes in the girls with her were like all the objects around her, like the making of dresses to her, like the changing of the eating from the green stuff they brought to her, through the cooking that was natural for her to the eating that came after, this was all to her like the changes in Anna and Cora and Bertha, they never made a history for her, they were not to her a history of her, they were the changes around her, and first it was in Anna then in Cora then in Bertha, each one of them had been once inside her, that was not a history to her, they were changing then around her, that, was not history of her in her, she was getting older now and looking wooden, that did not change in her the existence inside her, that was a change like all the others in her, that was not any more of a history to her, existence was always just the same inside her and it would always be so in her until she died and that would be one more change of her, it would not be a change to her and so it was now with the girls around her, they went through their changes before her, they were not a history to her they were not for her a history of her, they were three daughters with her, they went through their changes one after another, they lived there in the small house all together she and the man who was a husband to her and the three girls who each one once had been inside her, and that was not a history to her, that was like all the other changes in her, that was like eating and dressmaking for her and so she had existence in her and she always worked hard and had a character in her and she never had importance for any one around her. She had existence in her like the useful things around her, she had character, she had had changes in her and now she was getting older and there was a little more wooden change inside her and so there would be changes in her until she would be all through with all the changes she had in her and always there would be real existence to her and always there would be character to her always there would never be a past or present or a future connected with her, always there would be existence in her, there would be changes, there would never be any history of her to her. The eldest daughter of them Anna had come then to be a rather beautiful woman. No one thought it about them that all three of them would have that as a change in them. No one thought it about her the mother of them that she had had once a change in her like this change in them before she had borne any one of them. The eldest one had beauty then, now when she was grown to be a woman, all three of them one after the other came to have in them as one of the changes that went through them, beauty in them when they were not any longer children. Not one of the three of them had any signs in them of such a thing going to happen to them until it had happened in them. The one of them, to any one who began at any time to know them, the one of them who had come to be a woman then and to have this change into beauty which happened to each one of them, had it that this had already happened to her then, to any one who came then to know them it was a fact then that this one was a beautiful woman but this never made any connection for them to the other or other ones who had not had the change in them, the beauty in the one that had it then was like existence in the mother of them, it was in them one after the other of them as if it had always been in them, it had no connection in them with a past or future in them, it had no connection in them to any other changes that had been or could come to them, it had no connection with the others of them who were then with or without beauty in them, it had no connection with the mother of them, with the change she once had which was like the change in each one of them but nothing made any connection between any of them, to the mother of them, nor to the father of them for he had not any real existence in him to any one of them.
The change then came in each one of them and now it was Anna the eldest of them that was a beautiful woman to everybody around them then. The beauty in her then to any one who came to know all of them was, as beauty came to be in each one of them, a thing that when it was in any one of them then, was to any one who knew them then, something that was always in them always to be in them, always had been in them, in the others of them then there was not any sign of any such a change ever to be in them, in the mother of them there was nothing then that connected her with any such a change in them, there was nothing in her then to connect her with that one or with them, when there were more of them that had then this change in them, there was nothing in her that made it true for any one who knew her then that she had had in her any such change to connect her with that one or with them who had it then, that she had had it in her before she had borne them. How any one knew it about them that the mother had had such a change in her before them, how any one knew it about them that the others of them would have such a change in them, that, no one who knew them could ever answer in them. Perhaps it was the existence the mother had inside her for all of them, perhaps it was this that gave to every one who knew them no feeling of surprise in them that each one of them and the mother before them had, were having and were to have such changes in them, there was not anything to connect them together then except the existence in the mother of them, existence that was real in her for every one who came to know them, that never made her important to them but that made her a real thing to them, and this was what made it natural that all of them should go through, each one of them, the changes in them that every one of them had in them, this is what never made one think it about them that they would have such changes in them, that is what never made it a surprise to any one of them that they had such changes in them, it was the existence in the mother of them, this is what made real the changes in them to every one that knew them. The existence in the mother of them is what made the change that was then in any one of them a final thing in each one of them, and the mother of them, to any one who knew them then. The existence in the mother of them, at the time then when one knew them, made it, the change that was then them, to every one who knew them then, a thing that was forever in them, it was the existence that the mother of them had in her then that made whatever was in them to any one who knew them as if it were everlasting. The mother had existence in her, she had no importance to her, there had been there would be changes in her but this never made any history for her, there was nothing in her to connect her with a past a present or a future, there was nothing in her to connect her with the changes in the daughters around her, to connect her with the man who was a husband to her, there was existence in her, there was no importance to her, there was no history in her for her, there was no history of her to her in the changes in the daughters there around her. In the eldest daughter Anna there, was more of importance inside her than there was in the mother of her, than there was in the sisters who went through their changes later, than there was in her father who lived in the house with her.
In her there was not so much existence inside her as there was in the mother but there was more of importance to herself inside her, she was more important to every one who knew her, there was more of her in the things that happened to her, she was more important to the things that happened to her than her mother had ever been in all the living she had had all her life in her. Anna had inside her more importance in her, more than in her mother, more like that in her father, but with her there was real existence inside her, not so much existence as there was in the mother but existence enough to make alive the feeling of importance to herself inside her, enough to make others feel her, enough to make her important to every one that knew her. Anna had in her real existence to her, not so much as in her mother but enough to the making her living inside in her, she was important to herself inside from her own power in her, she was important to herself inside her as her father was when he was with other men around him to make him to be real inside him, when the father had men around him then there was in him a feeling of importance in him as a man among them and he was important to them then to his feeling, but really, in him there was no existing, it took other men around him to make him alive inside him, he had no existence in him. In the mother of them there was always strong existing but there was never anything of an important feeling, she was always existing, she was not important in her being, she was not any more existing with others who came near her in her living than she was when she was alone with her being, she was always existing, she was never important in her feeling, she was never important to any one who knew them, she was like any article around them, she had strong existence for them she was never in any way important for them, she had not in any way in her any changes for them, she was not important to any one of them.
There were three of them then Anna and Cora and Bertha. In Anna had come the change that made a beauty of her, she had less existence in her than the mother she had as much importance in her as the father, she had enough existence in her to make real inside her the important feeling she had in her. It came to her to have things happen to her and in her, she had a career in her and later they will come out in her the things that happened to her.
The second daughter Cora had in her less existence than the mother and no important feeling in her, beauty came to her, things happened to her, there was nothing in her that made anything important to her. Cora went through her changes a little slower than her sister Anna. They came in her slowly, they gave no importance to her, there was existence in her not enough to make her living, always, like the mother, there was not in her enough of existence like the mother to make a solid thing of her, there was in her a little uncertain feeling like that in the father but there was nothing in her that gave to her a sense of being important inside her from others being around her, others around her were as they were to her mother they were around her and that was all the meaning they had in her, they were around her, they did things to her, for her, they never gave to her as they did to her father and to her sister Anna a feeling of importance to herself inside her, they were as they were to her mother, things around in her; in her, existence was not strong in her as it was always in the mother and so in her as in her father there was a little something uncertain and not solid to her, and all this will come out in her in the history of the Hersland family who came then more and more to know her.
There were three of them Anna and Cora and Bertha; Bertha had in her less of existence in her than any of them except the father. Bertha had in her enough of existence in her to make her alive when she was a little girl and there was not very much of her, she had not in her enough of existence to her to make her alive inside her when it came to her to be a young girl and later to have beauty in her and to be a woman then. There was not enough to her of existence in her to make her alive inside her when she had gone through in her with the change of being a little girl, not very much of her, even then she was not very living in her, she had not very much existence in her. She had a little more existence in her than her father, enough to make her living when there was so very little of her, then was the only time she had enough existence in her to make her alive inside her. No one who knew her could ever feel that there would be changes, there was not enough existence in her to any one who knew her to keep her alive through changes that went through her, the changes went on in her, they went on in her as they had done in her mother, in her sister Anna and then in her sister Cora, they went on slowly in her, she came later to have beauty in her, she never was very alive inside her, she never had existence like her mother who had existence like the useful things about her, she had not like her father importance from other people around her, when she was a little girl she had a little of such importance in her from the little existence that was then in her the little existence always in her that then kept her alive for there was then so little of her, more and more then as she grew bigger there was not any such importance there was not in her enough existence to make her alive inside her, and there was not any very real living to her, she had never in her any importance from other people around her, she was like her mother only she had very little of existence in her, so that is the history of her, she was alive inside her when there was very little of her when she was a little girl and then she was alive inside her and had in her a little of importance to herself inside her, she grew bigger and there was never then in her any strong existence to her, there was never in her enough importance to her to make it real in her, there was not later an uncertain feeling to her, there was in her the existence in her, the importance of it to her that had been in her when she was a little girl and was alive inside her for then there was so little of her. There was not in her later an uncertain feeling to her as there was in her father as there was in her sister Cora, there was in her always just the same being inside her, when she was a woman, when she had beauty in her, there was then inside her just the same existence in her just the same importance inside her that there had been when she was a little girl and there was not very much to her. She was like her mother, the little existence she had was really there in her, she was like her father, the little existence she had was important to her, she was not like her mother, the little existence was never very strong in her, she was not like her father, she could never get existence in her she could never get importance to her from other people around her, she had enough existence in her it was important enough inside her to make her alive in her when she was a little girl and there was not very much to her. There never came to be any more in her neither of existence nor of importance in her and later when she was bigger when she became a woman and had beauty, there was not in her enough of existence and of importance in her to fill her and so she was then later never very alive inside her, there was then of her, too much, for the existence and importance inside her. She was then, never, when she was bigger, when she was finished with the change of being a little girl and not very much to her, she was never after very alive inside her. And now Anna had this change in her, she had beauty in her, Cora and Bertha were having the changes she had already had in her, there was yet nothing in Cora or in Bertha that could connect them with her, with the beauty change that had come to her.
The three girls Anna and Cora and Bertha went through their changes one after the other, now the beauty change had come in Anna, now when there was no longer in her a young girl's growing change in her beauty had come into her and to every one who knew her it was as if it had always been in her, it had no connection in her with her sisters Cora and Bertha nor with her mother. The mother had strong existence in her, she was getting older and her face and body was getting to be wooden all through her and existence was always just the same in her, it was always all there was of her. No one who knew them then the mother or Anna or Cora or Bertha, ever thought about the father, and so to every one around them then, this to every one that knew them was a family of women, there was the mother who was getting old now and a little wooden who was never important to any one who knew them who always had existence in her and that was always strong inside her, that never made any history in her, that never gave any importance to her she was existing then and existence always had been in her as it was in the useful things around her, there was no history in her, there was nothing in her to connect her with the past the present or the future, there was never any history in her there was a history of her and that the three girls were living around her, they were having the changes she had had in her, there was nothing then in her to connect her with the changes in the three girls who lived in the house with her, there was nothing in any of them that connected themselves with the others of them, there was nothing in them to connect them with the mother of them, there was nothing in the changes in them that made any one who knew them ever feel in them that she had had changes in her as the three girls had them then the three girls who were around her then, there was nothing in any of the three of them that made one feel in them that they would have in them the changes that any one of the three of them had had already in her, there was nothing to connect them with each other, they did go through their changes one after the other, there was never anything in any one of them to make any one who knew them feel that there would be changes in any one of them, a little more perhaps in Anna than in any of the others of them, in her, changes might come, in the other two of them Cora and Bertha and in the mother of them there was never any thing in them to make any one who knew them think a change would come in them, the mother was getting older now and her face and body was getting to be wooden all through her and existence was always just the same in her, it was always all that there was of her, Cora was a little wooden then, girlhood was almost finished in her, beauty had not come yet to be in her, Bertha was a little girl then, there was never in her as much existence inside her as there was in the mother or Anna or Cora, there was in her a little more existence than in the father, Anna had then beauty in her and was important then to every one who knew her, in her there was a feeling that there might come changes in her. Nobody ever thought about the father. This family to every one who knew them was a family of women.
There were many other families then living in the little houses near the ten acre place where the Hersland family were living in that part of Gossols where no other rich people were living, some of them were neat and made a good living like this family of women, some were not so well off in their living; some had a very straggling way of living, each one of the families of them in the small houses then had each its own way of living each its own uncertain ways of being, and this is a history of them.
There were many kinds of families of them living in the little houses near the Hersland family then. They were each one of them different from all the others of them, they were different each one of them from all the others of them in their way of living, in their ways of earning a living, in the things that had been in their lives in the earlier days of their living, in the things that would now happen to them, they were different each one of them from all the others of them then, they were different in all the ways that they had in them, they were different in all the things that made them important, in all the things that made them uncertain inside them, they were different inside each one of them from all the others of them in religion. Some of them then had religion in them, some of them had not anything of such a thing in them, all of them who had religion in them were different from all the others of them who had religion in them too in them. One of these families then was made up of a father and two children, a boy and a girl Eddy and Lilly and the father of them, there were many uncertain things about all three of them, about the living that they had had before in them, about there not being to them a woman to be a wife to him and a mother to the two children, about the way they had money to live on when not any one of the three of them did any working, about the kind of man the father was for it was very hard to know anything about him, about the character of the two children; one thing was certain about them, they had religion in them, they were important in religion. The father was a tall thin man, they said of him that he was a sick man, perhaps that was true of him, no one knew how anybody knew that about him, his children never said it of him, he was a tall thin blond man, he was always smoking and that was said by every one who knew him to be because it was good for him, he was important in religion.
There are many ways of being important in religion and this is a history of some of them, there are many men and many women and some children who have religion in them, there are many ways of having that in them. They are some who are important in religion, they are some who have religion and who are not important from the religion in them, they are many men and many women and some children who have religion in them and this is a history of some of them. There are many of all these kinds of them, there were some of many kinds of them in the families that the Hersland family came to know then, more and more in their living then the Hersland children came to know them came to know the many ways many men and many women and some children have religion in them, the many ways some of them have to have religion make them important inside them, the way some of them who have religion never have any of such an important feeling in them, more and more then they came to know in the families that lived there around them the meaning the religion each one of them who had religion in them meant to the one that had it inside him, for there were many of them that had it in them many men and many women and some of their children. This family the father and the two children Eddy and Lilly, all three of them had religion in them, there was no wife to him or mother to the children then. Slowly the Hersland children came to know them. They had it in them this man Mr. Richardson and his two children Eddy and Lilly Richardson, they had it in them all three of them to be important in religion, the father had always all his life had religion in him, he always had been important in religion, this is a history of the feeling in him, of the way his children too had it in them.
As I was saying Mr. Richardson was a tall thin blond man, he was sick then, so everybody said who knew him though his children never said it about him, he was sick then and he was always smoking and everybody said who knew him that that was because it was good for him, good for the sickness he had in him.
Any one who knew him would know that he had religion in him, that he always had had religion in him. Always one knew it in the two children that they had they always would have religion in them, religion with all three of them was a part of them, it was to all of them a part of their being, it was not a belief in them, it was of them like eating and sleeping and washing, for all these things and religion were part of their being, such was the nature of all three of them. Not that all three of them had the same nature in them, the three of them each one was very different from the other two of them, each one had their own nature in them, but all three had this in common that religion that eating sleeping and washing were natural to them, other things too were natural in them and all these things will come out more and more in the history of them.
There are many men and many women and some of their children who have at some time religion in them. There are some of all these, of the many men and many women and some children who have religion in them, there are many of these that have it in them as a natural part of them, who have religion always inside them, who need religion as they do eating and sleeping and loving and there are very many who have religion in them so from the beginning of them, in some of them this religion in them makes them important inside to them, with some of them this religion in them makes them important to every one who knows them, there are some who have religion in them as a natural thing in them and have always had such a thing in them and it does not give any importance to them. There are some then who always have religion in them to whom it is as natural as breathing, there are some who have it in them who need it in them to complete them, there are some who have it like eating and sleeping, some who have it like loving, some who have it like washing, there are some who have it from a need in them to have it fill them when they have lost something that was once a piece in them; some get from religion an important feeling, some have it and are important to every one who knows them, some never have in it any kind of an important feeling.
Mr. Richardson and his two children had always had religion in them, religion would always be in them like eating and sleeping and washing, not like breathing and loving. Religion was always in them, they had it always and it made all three of them important to every one that knew them. To the father Mr. Richardson religion was like eating and sleeping and washing, all these and religion made him a continuous being, they were not outside him, they all were in him and they made him always continue in his existing. Religion had been in him always as a part of him, it was in him like sleeping, it was in him like eating, it was of him like washing, it had always been in him as a part of him, it had always made him important to every one who knew him, it did not make him important to himself inside him any more than eating and sleeping and washing made him important to himself inside him, it was a part of his continuous existing; it did always make him important to every one who knew him.
To some who knew him, to some who had not any kind of religion in them, to some this religion in him was to them like lying but these did not understand him, there was in religion in him no more of lying, with him, than there was in washing any more than there was in eating or sleeping, this was very hard for some of them who knew him, some of them who never had any religion in them, to understand about him but always it was true of him, religion in him was like eating and sleeping and washing, it did not make him to himself important inside him, it made him important to everyone who knew him, it was there and they knew it in him, it was in him and whatever he should be ever found out in doing that would never make it different in him that religion was real inside him, that it was in him like his eating and sleeping and washing, that it never was, in him, lying any more than eating and sleeping and washing were lying. It was a part of him as they were a part of him, they were needed every day to remake him, to keep him going on in existing, so it was with religion and this in him made him important to every one who knew him.
The religion inside him, as I was saying, kept him existing, it was not that it filled a need in him, it was not that he used it in his living, it kept him continuous and existing as did his eating and sleeping. Religion was to him like eating and sleeping, religion was to him also like washing and it was this in him, the religion like washing that made him important to every one who knew him. Religion was to him as eating and sleeping was in him, religion was in him as washing was to him and this religion in him made him important to every one who knew him.
Washing is very common, almost every one does some washing, with some it is only for cleansing, with some it is a refreshing, with some a ceremonial thing that makes them important to every one who knows them. In those who have religion in them as washing is to some of them who make it a distinction in them, in some who have religion in them as washing is to some who do it as a necessary part of their daily living, such have from it a distinction; washing is not a natural thing to happen like eating or sleeping, washing is not like eating or sleeping, it has in it a distinction and to them who do it every day as a natural thing to them, they have it in them to be important to every one who knows them, when religion is in any one as this washing is in some who have it in them, then such a one is important to every one who knows him.
Eating and sleeping are not like loving and breathing. Washing is not like eating and sleeping. Believing is like breathing and loving. Religion can be believing, it can be like breathing, it can be like loving, it can be like eating or sleeping, it can be like washing. It can be something to fill up a place when some one has lost out of them a piece that it was natural for them to have in them. To be continuous in existing by an every day eating and sleeping is like what some have in religion, then it is not from a need in them, it is from the natural way they have in them to be continuous in their existing. Feeding and religion with such of them is every day natural to them. Washing is different from eating and sleeping. It is natural to some and it makes such ones important to every one that knows them. Some have religion in them as some have washing and they are always important to every one who knows them. To have washing as natural to them is some distinction to those who have it as natural in them, to have religion in them to be in them as washing is to some, those to whom it is natural from the beginning to have religion in them in such a way as some have washing is to make of them who have religion in any such a way natural to them important to every one who knows them.
Mr. Richardson had always had, from his beginning, religion in him. It was always natural in him as was his eating and sleeping and washing. He kept on this way in his existing, it was natural to him to keep on existing, it was natural to him to have in him religion and eating and sleeping and washing, he had had them all always from his beginning. It did not make him important to himself inside him, it made him important to everyone who knew him. There were many things in him and these will come out in the history of him. Always religion was in him, always he was important to every one who knew him. There were some who did not understand it in him, who thought it of him that religion was in him as a kind of lying but these did not understand religion in him, it was in him and had been in him from his beginning, it was in him as eating was in him, as sleeping was in him, as washing was to him. It did not make him important to himself inside him, it did make him important to every one that knew him.
This father Mr. Richardson and his two children Eddy and Lilly were different from any of the others who lived then in the small houses near the ten acre place where the Hersland family were living in that part of Gossols where no other rich people were living. Slowly the Hersland children came to know the three of them, they began to know then the character of the two children Eddy and Lilly Richardson, they never came to have in them, the Hersland family then, much more knowledge of the father of the two children Mr. Richardson. The character of Eddy and Lilly Richardson will come out then in the history of the Hersland children as they come to know it in them. There were then many families living in the small houses near the ten acre place where the Hersland family were living then in that part of Gossols where no other rich people were living. There were many families of, for them, poor queer people living near them and each one of the families of them had in them their own way of living, their own way of going on existing, of having uncertain things in them, of earning their daily living. More and more the Hersland family came to know them, more and more the Hersland children came to be of them.
There were many families of them. Some of them had many children. Almost all of them had things in them to interest the Hersland children. Some of them were good companions to them in their out door living, some in the school life they lead together with them, some from the books and other things that they loaned to them, all these children in the little houses near them were in some way interesting to some one of the three of them either from what they were in themselves then or from their lives or what they had in their houses to lend to them, they were, all of these children of the, for them, poor queer people around them, they were all in some way interesting to some one of the three of them. They were, all of them, more and more interesting to the three Hersland children as these came always more and more to know them, as they came to be more and more a part of them. The Hersland children came to know them, they came to know others who knew these who lived near them, some who lived in other parts of Gossols and some of these others that the Hersland children came to know through the families near them, some of these others came later to be very important to the three of them, some came to be important to the father of the Hersland children, some also to the mother of them, all this will come out in the later history of them. This was the beginning of living for the Hersland children, and more and more then they came to know the, for them, poor queer people who lived in the little houses near them in that part of Gossols where no other rich people were living.
So then it was then slowly coming to be true of them that the three children were more entirely of them, the poorer people who lived around them, than they were of their mother then, than their mother was of them then, though they were all there was of their mother's daily living then. This was true of them then in the years when they were only beginning to know themselves inside them. Later then in their living with the same people around them, Alfred the elder son of the two boys then was beginning to have inside him a feeling in him as there always had been in the mother of them, he was beginning then not to be any longer of them the poorer people who lived around them, more and more then such a feeling went out of him and he was beginning to have it fill up in him then inside him to replace the feeling that was not then any longer in him, out of the feeling that gave his mother her important being. In the daughter there was more in her then when she was older of the kind of feeling that their father had in him. In the younger son there always remained in him all through his later living the feeling that made him be one to him with the people that had been around him. All this will come out in the detailed history of each one of the three of them. Now in the beginning they were all three of them of the people who lived in the small houses around them. To begin again then when it was slowly coming to be true of them that the three children were more entirely of them, the poorer people who lived around them, than they were of their mother then, than their mother was of them then, though they were all there was of their mother's daily living then. They were all there was of their mother's daily living then but they were nothing to her then of the important being that was beginning to be strong inside her then. They were to her in her then as they had been when she was bearing them, they were part of her as her arms or heart were part of her then, she felt them, she took care of them then as she took care of her body out of which she had once made them and so she always felt them. Later she was lost among them, she would be scared then and they were no longer of her then, they were not any longer in her then to her, she was for them then a gentle scared little-thing. She was lost among them then, sometimes they would be good to her then, oftener she would not be existing for them then, mostly she was scared then and the important feeling was dead in her then, she had lost them, they were not of her any more then and she lost her body with them. Sometimes then they would be good to her, mostly they forgot about her, slowly she died away among them and then there was no more of living for her, she died away from all of them. She had never been really important to any of them, she was not important to her husband then for she was not enough to fill him now that he was shrinking away from the outside of him, she was not enough any more now to fill him, she was not in any way then important to her children for now they did not need to have in them the feeling that she had for them when they were for her as if she was still carrying them inside her still using herself up to make them from out of her, they were not in any way then any longer necessary to her, they had never been in her a part of her in the important being that was all that there was real to her of an important feeling inside in her. She was not then any more important to any of them when they were older, she was not important to her husband then for she was not enough then any more to fill him, not to her children, she never had been important to them after they had come to their individual feeling, they had never been in her a part of the important feeling to herself inside her, now she had a scared feeling in her, now she was lost among them and mostly they forgot about her, now she died away among them and they never thought about her, sometimes they would be good to her, mostly for them she had no existence in her and then she died away and the gentle scared little woman was all that they ever after remembered of her. Those who always after remembered about her were the servants, the governesses, the dependents who had been around her, they always were a real life to her, they were the important feeling in her, they always remembered about her, they had felt the real important being to herself inside her. This then is the history of how they came together with her to be in her and to give to her the important feeling inside her that was all there ever was of real being in her.
Her children were then a part of her, they were never any part of the important feeling of herself inside her that was beginning then to stir in her. It was slowly coming to be true of them then, the three Hersland children then, that they were more entirely of them, the poorer people who lived around them, than they were of their mother then, than their mother was of them then, though they were all that there was of their mother's daily living then.
Their mother then was just beginning to have in her the important feeling that had first become a little stirred up to be made inside her by her knowing the Shilling mother and the daughter Sophie Shilling and the other daughter Pauline Shilling. This important feeling that had then been a little begun inside her was now to be more stirred up in her, was to come to be almost a real thing in her by her living in that part of Gossols where no other rich people were living near her and in a kind of living that was not a natural way of being for her. Here she had around her, for her, poor queer kind of people in the little houses near her, in the house with her she had servants and governesses and seamstresses who made a life for her, her children who were then a part of her to her, and her husband and the certain little power with him she felt in herself to have in her, though mostly she had not in her for her husband or her children a sense of being important to herself inside her. This important feeling of herself inside her that had begun a little to exist in her from the Shilling family to her, was now stirred up to be more in her with the governesses and seamstresses and servants who lived in the house with her, and with the, for her, poor queer kind of people who lived in the small houses near her.
There are many kinds of men. Some kinds of them have it in them to feel themselves as big as all the world around them. Some have such a sense in them only when a new thing begins in them, soon they lose it out of them.
There are many ways of being a man, there are many millions of each kind of them, more and more in ones living they are there repeating themselves around one, every one of them in his own way being the kind of man he has in him, and there are always many millions made just like each one of them.
There are many ways of being a man and sometime one gets to know almost all of them, some sometime get to know all of them, there are many millions made of each kind of them, each one of them is different from all the other millions made just like him, this makes of him an individual, this in some of them makes in him an individual feeling to have inside in him, in some of some kinds of them there is almost nothing of such an individual being, perhaps always in every one in some way there is something of such an individual being, in all men, in women, and in the children of them. There are many kinds of men, of every kind of them there are many millions of them many millions always made to be like the others of that kind of them, of some kinds of them there are more millions made like the others of such a kind of them than there are millions made alike of some other kinds of men. Perhaps this is not really true about any kind of them, perhaps there are not less millions of one kind of men than there are millions of other kinds of them, perhaps one thinks such a thing about some kinds of men only because in some kinds of men there is more in each one of such a kind, more in the many millions of such a kind of them, of an individual feeling in every one of such a kind of them. Perhaps in some kinds of men there are many more, in the many millions of their kind of them, there are many more of them that have in them a strongly existing individual being than in some other kinds of men other kinds of men of which there are not really any more millions made alike than there are of those kinds of men. Perhaps it is this strongly existing individual being in some of the kinds of men that makes it seem that there are less millions of them in the world of men than there are of other kinds of men other kinds of men who have in most of them less in them of such individual existing. Perhaps it is this in some of the kinds of men those kinds in which many of the millions of them have much in them of individual being, perhaps it is that which makes any one who knows any one of such kinds of men think him more different from the other millions of them made just like him the other millions of his kind of men, makes those who know any of such a kind of men, feel them to be more different one from the other of their kind of men than the ones of some other kind of men are different from the other millions of their kind of men to those who meet many of them. Always there are many kinds of men and always there are many millions made of each kind of them, there are many kinds of men and many millions of each kind of them, there are many kinds of women and there are many millions made of each kind of them, there are many children of these many men and many women and the kinds are often very much mixed up in them but more and more the kind that really is in each one of them more and more as one knows them it comes out to be clear in each one of them. Some kinds of men have, in most of the millions made of such a kind of them, have in them more of an individual being than most of the millions of some other kind of men. Some kinds of them have much more of an individual being as a nature in them than there is in other kinds of men. Each kind of them has in the many millions of that kind of them more, in some of them of individual feeling than there is in others of them. All this will come out slowly as it is written down about them, it comes out slowly in the living that every body is every day doing with all the many kinds of them, the many kinds of men the many kinds of women and the many kinds of children that have these many men and many women mixed up in them.
There are many kinds of men, there are many kinds of women there are many kinds of ways of mixing them in the children that come out of them. There are many kinds of men and many millions made of each kind of them. Some kinds of them have more in all of them of individual being than there is in some of the other kinds of men. In each kind of men, in the many millions of each kind of them there are always among them some with much, some with less, and some with little, and some with almost not any individual feeling in them some of such of them need other men around them to give the man an individual feeling in them, some men have in them so much individual feeling in them that they make their way through everything around them, some of them have it so much in them that they feel themselves as big as all the world around them.
There are some men who have always such bigness in them, there are some who have such a feeling in them when a new thing begins in them and then soon these lose it out of them. There are some who have such a feeling in them when they are first beginning their individual being, some of such ones never lose it out of them for they are always strong to be beginning and beginning is all of living to them. In some of such ones of them it comes in their later living to be only impatient feeling, they are then no longer beginning they are then full up with impatient feeling. Later in their living they have not enough in them any more of impatient feeling to fill them, they are old then and shrinking away from the outside of them so then it is in them the always beginning and being then in their feeling as big as all the world around them, then it comes to be in them only the being full up with impatient feeling and then it comes to be when they are old and weakening it comes to be a shrinking away of themselves from the outside of them, they are old men then and they have not any success in them, they are not any longer full up then not with big feeling or beginning or even any more with impatient feeling, they are old then and have not any success in them and it needs others then to make them full again inside them and mostly in their old age this does not happen in them, mostly in their old age such ones are never full inside them.
There are many kinds of men. Some kinds of them have it in them to feel themselves as big as all the world around them, some of this kind have it in them to keep this always in them all through their living. Some of this kind of men have such a sense in them only when a new thing begins in them, soon they lose it out of them. Some of this kind of men have such a sense in them only in their own beginning, later they lose it out of them. Some have it in them as their beginning and always they are beginning in their living and this feeling comes again and again to be in them with each beginning of their living and beginning in such of them is all there is of living. Some, and David Hersland who had come to Gossols to make his great fortune was one of them, some of such a kind of men have it in them to be as big as all the world in their beginning, they are strong in beginning and beginning things is all of living in them, then each beginning comes to be in them an impatient feeling. These never lose their big feeling they just begin a new thing and they are strong in beginning, they are as big then as all the world around them, they keep their big feeling for each time the beginning in them turns into impatient feeling they are then full up with impatient feeling, this makes them full inside them, they never have it in them to lose this feeling of being as big in them as all the world around them, they never can lose this feeling then until they are old men and weakening and then they shrink away from the outside of them and so they lose this certain sense of being as big as all the world around them for then they have this empty space in them where they have shrunk away from the outside of them and they have to be filled up again, they have not enough then of big feeling in them, they have not enough strength to have in them then a beginning, they have not enough then of impatient feeling to fill them, they need other people to help them to fill them up inside them, they can never again have in them of themselves then a feeling of being as big as all the world around them. As I have been saying there are many kinds of men and there are many millions made of each kind of them. David Hersland who had come to Gossols to make for himself a great fortune was of one kind of them. He was of the kind of them that feel themselves to be as big as all the world around them. Every one who knew him felt it in him. His children felt it less in him for they knew from their daily living with him that this was only in him when he was beginning, mostly he was filled up with impatient feeling. He had this big feeling in him, they knew it about him but, for them, it was his being full up with impatient feeling that was important to them in their daily life with him. His children, in the way it almost always is with men, his children always were outside him, part of the world he was handling, sometimes using them sometimes brushing them away from before him, often fighting with them and always dropping or domineering them.
His children had it in them, in the way that almost all children have it in them, his children had it in them for a long time to be afraid of him. Almost all the time of their living together in the house with him they had such a fear in them, but really they had it less in them than many children for the fathers of them, they had it less from him as they learnt more and more to know it of him that he was mostly filled up inside him with impatient feeling, so they had always less and less of fear in them, they knew it more and more of him that he would not keep up anything against the wish in them, soon he would be changing, he never would carry out into action any anger he felt with them, it would soon be in him an impatient feeling and then there was not any more, for them, anything to fear from him. Always they more and more had this in them about him and so more and more they did not fear him. Always there remained a little fear in them for children never know all that a father can have in him. He may have it in him to be worse than they have ever known him, it is this uncertain danger to them that may be in him that makes a father always fearful to his children, it is in his voice, in his movements, in the sudden outbursts from him, children never can know really what is going on in the father of them as they know it in other children around them or in the mother of them. However the Hersland children learned more and more in their daily living that their father was mostly filled up with impatient feeling, they knew he had a big feeling in him, they felt this sometimes in him, sometimes it made them ashamed when they went about with him, sometimes they liked the big joyous feeling that it gave him but mostly for all three of them in their younger living with him the important thing about him was that he was filled up with impatient feeling.
Beginning was all of living with him, in a beginning he was always as big in his feeling as all the world around him. Beginning was almost all of living in him. Always he was beginning and always he was strong in his beginning, always then he was as big as all the world in his feeling. There are many ways of beginning, there are some things in living that have in them always more of beginning than other things in living, education is such a part of living, eating and doctoring and making a great fortune in a place where everybody is beginning in their living.
Ways of educating children, ways of eating and doctoring, all have it in them to be always in a beginning.
In many people's living beginning is all there is of living, in many people's living it is dying ending that is to them all they have in them, some of these have always in them the fear in them of dying of ending, and then ending is in their feeling in every moment of their living. There are many ways for them of having such a feeling always in them the feeling of ending always inside them, some of them have it in a fear that is always in them, some have it in a sad feeling always somewhere inside them in them, some have it from a feeling that is not a sadness in them but a fullness of ending to them and these always are talking of how everything is always ending; ending is all of living to many men and very many women, ending is all of living with them, and these have not a fear in them, they have not sadness in them, all that there is for them is ending and that gives to their living fullness and meaning. Such ones are very full of ending full of ending as some other men and some women have it in them to be very full with beginning, for such ones then there is, too, very much of meaning in ways of educating children, ways of eating and ways of doctoring. In all of these things then there is much beginning there is much of ending.
In ways of educating children in ways of eating and ways of doctoring there can be always to them who have in them beginning as all there is of living, much to content them; for those who have in them ending as the important feeling in them they too can find it strongest in them for them in ways of educating children in ways of eating and ways of doctoring. These then who have for them as the whole of living either always beginning or always in an ending, these then can have it in them in many ways and with many kinds of feelings inside them, they can have it in a strong fear in them they can have it without any such a fear in them, they can have it with dying as always the strongest thing in them, they can have it with living as the most conscious thing in them, there are many ways that they can have it in them, with sadness or cheerful feeling in them, with energy or weakness in them, but always they have it together in all of them that ending or beginning is all of living to them, and for them ways of eating, ways of doctoring, ways of educating children are for them the strongest thing inside them.
In David Hersland the father of the three children whose lives we are now soon to be watching, to David Hersland beginning was all of living to him. For him there was in his living ways of eating, ways of doctoring, ways of educating his children, ways of making his great fortune here in Gossols where he was to make his important beginning.
There are many ways of eating, for some eating is living, for some eating is dying, for some thinking about ways of eating gives to them the feeling that they have it in them to be alive and to be going on living, to some to think about eating makes them know that death is always waiting that dying is in them, some of such of them have then a fear in them and these then never want to be thinking about ways of eating, they want their eating without any thinking, they never want to have the fear in them that comes to them with thinking about ways of eating, of ways of keeping health in them. As I have been saying to some eating is a way of living, to some eating is dying. To many, now, thinking about eating is all of living to them, it is living, it is always beginning, it is like doctoring or educating children. David Hersland the father of the three children whose lives we will now soon be knowing was such a one, beginning was all of living to him, he had it in him in his beginning to be as big as all the world around him. He had it in him to be always beginning, beginning was living to him and this will come out in the history of him. He had it in him to be always beginning. There are some things in living that have it in them to have always more of beginning to them than other things in living, eating is such a part of living, eating and doctoring and educating children. Ways of eating, ways of doctoring, ways of educating children, all have it in them to be always in a beginning. As I was saying David Hersland was a big man and he liked different ways of eating, he liked to think about what was good for him in eating, he liked to think about what was good for every one around him in their eating, and he was always changing, he was always beginning and often he was full up with impatient feeling; this could be in him about the way of eating as it was in him about everything in his living. David Hersland was a big man, sometimes one felt about him that he filled up the whole world he looked so large then to every one who saw him, often he did not have such a bigness in him. Not that he was really such a large man to look at him but when he was full up with beginning he filled everything around him, he was as big then as all the world which was then in him to everybody who then saw him. As I was saying there are many kinds of men and there are many millions of each kind of them. As I was saying there are some kinds of them that have in them so much individual being in them that one can never think it about them that there are many millions made like them. Mr. David Hersland was of such a kind of them, he had it in him to be so full up with beginning that he was a big man filling up all the space around him, no one could come to think it about him then that there are many millions made just like him, but there are many millions made of each kind of men, there are many millions made who have such a bigness in them, some of them always have such a bigness in them every moment of their being, some have it only in their beginning soon they lose it out of them, some have it every time they are beginning and beginning is all of living to them, some of such ones are big in all their living, some have it in them only at moments in their living but all of them have it in them sometimes to be as big as all the world around them, all the world is in them and everybody can see it who then sees them.
David Hersland was such a one when he was in each one of his beginnings, soon then he would be filled up with impatient feeling and then there would be in him less of such a big feeling to every one who then looked at him, later in his life he was old and weakening and he then was shrunk away from the outside of him, he then did not have inside him enough to fill him, he was not then a big man to every one who saw him.
As I was saying there are many millions of every kind of men and there are many millions who have in them the kind of being David Hersland had in him. They have it in them some of them, as I have been saying, in all of their living, some have it in them in their eating, some have it in them in their drinking, some have it in them in business and their living, some have it in them in their loving, some have it so much in them that they have Arabian nights inside them; there are many millions of such a kind of them and this is a history of one of that kind of them, of David Hersland and the big ways he had in him.
As I was saying the father of the three of them whose lives we are soon now to be watching, Mr. David Hersland, had come to Gossols to make for himself his great fortune. There was for him, as I was saying, beginning as the whole of living, there was for him in living, eating and doctoring and educating his children and making for himself a great fortune. There were other things in him but they were not for him so important to him, they had not for him so much of beginning. As I was saying ways of eating were always to him living, they were to him always full of beginning and this is a history of the way he tried many of them. As I was saying there are many ways of eating, for some eating is living for some eating is dying, for some thinking about ways of eating gives to them the feeling that they have it in them to be alive and to be going on living, to some to think about eating makes them know that death is always waiting that dying is in them. Mr. Hersland always liked to think about what was good for him in eating, he liked to think about what was good for every one around him in their eating, he liked to buy all kinds of eating, he liked all kinds of thinking about eating, eating was living to him, eating was beginning to him, beginning was all of living in him, always he was interested in changing in having new ideas new ways of eating, eating was living for him, ways of eating were ways of beginning for him, eating was living to him and there are many millions always made just like him, many millions who have always new ways of eating in them, new ways of thinking about eating always inside them, for all of such then eating is living, to them. There are many ways of thinking about eating, some who are always thinking about eating have not in them any love of eating, some who are always thinking about eating love to have eating going on inside them. Some of each of these kinds of men and women and children have it in them to think about what is good for them in eating, some do not have any such feeling in them eating is an end in itself for them, eating is what they need to content them. This is true of some of them who have not in them much love of the real eating going on in them, this is true of some of them who love the eating always going on inside them.
Mr. Hersland had many theories in him, eating was to him a pleasure when it was going on inside him, but to him that was not the important thing for him. The important thing to him in him were ways of knowing what kind of eating was good for him, ways of having in him new ways of beginning, this was important to himself inside him. Eating was not, to himself, eating, for him, it was living, it was theorising and believing, it was new ways of beginning. He loved to have eating going on inside him and then often, before finishing, he would be filled up, to complete him, with impatient feeling and then he would push eating away from him, then he would be changing, then he would find new things good for him, he would find in eating a new beginning.
Many men and many women and some children are always thinking of what is good for them in their eating. For some of these then eating is living for some of these then eating is dying, some find in ways of eating the continuing of living some find in ways of eating putting off a little longer their ending but dying is always inside them, some of these then, the many men and many women and some children who have it in them to be always thinking about eating about what is good in it for them, some of these then have not in them any love of eating, some of them have it in them to be loving the eating going on inside them, Mr. Hersland was such a one but to himself it was never his loving the eating going on inside him that was important to him, it was his theories of eating, his changings, his beginning, new ways of finding ways of eating that were good for him, these were important to him. In Mr. Hersland's ways of eating his children felt it in him that he was often filled up with impatient feeling. They more and more had it in them to know it of him that he loved to have eating going on inside him and more and more they came to know it of him that he, often then, before ending with the eating, would be filled up with impatient feeling and then he would push his eating away from him. It was in Mr. David Hersland's ways of eating, his ways of doctoring, his ways of educating them, his ways of changing, that all three of his children, each one as they felt themselves inside them an individual being apart from others around them, began to feel it in them that the father of them was big in his beginning and soon then he would be full up with impatient feeling. This, the character in him, made a different impression on each one of the three of them and this will come out in them in the slow history of each one of them. The eldest Martha had it in her to be like him in never finishing but she was not then filled up with impatient feeling, she was not strong in a beginning she was not then as big as all the world as her father had it to be inside him. She had it in her in her later living to be often beginning, to be impatient but not to be full up with such feeling, she had it in her to be like him the father of them but she never had it in her to understand him, she had it in her to irritate in him his impatient feeling she had it in her always to be afraid of him but all this will come out later in the history of her as she grew older as she went away from all of them and then came back out of her trouble to him and always she was like him and always she could not understand him, always she could irritate the impatient feeling that he had always inside him then, always she was in a way afraid of the irritation in him that she always gave to him. The elder son Alfred had it in him not to be like his father in always beginning, beginning was not strong in him, there was more of his mother in him but he had it in him to be always in his later living full up with impatient feeling, he had no bigness in him as the father had in his beginnings, there was never any such bigness in him and always then he was full up with impatient feeling. He had it in him to see the bigness in his father in his beginnings and he had in him a great admiration for the big ways his father always had in him, he had never any such bigness inside him, always he felt it in his father and wanted to have it, too, inside him; more and more in his living he did not have any such bigness in him and later it was enough for him to be filled up with impatient feeling. This made a history for him. The younger one David had a bigness in him it was not like that in the father of them, it was not like the beginnings that the father always had in him, it was always in young David that he needed to have in him understanding of everything inside and around him, that he needed to have in him understanding every minute inside him why life was to him worth his living. His father never could understand it in him: his father's being full up with impatient feeling was always an irritation to him, his father's always beginning was always, to him, failing, he knew his father had big things in him but it was his being full up with impatient feeling that was irritating to David and there was always a little in him of contempt that his father was always beginning and then he would be full up with impatient feeling and then he would be changing and then he would push everything away from him.
The three of them came then more and more to know it about the father of them that he had a great bigness in him, that he was strong in beginning, that he would soon then be full up with impatient feeling, that he would then push everything away from him or go away and leave it there unfinished behind him, that he then would be changing and soon then there would be in him a new beginning and he would then be to every one who saw him as big as all the world around him.
This nature in him came out in him every minute in his living. He had many things in him. He had in him his wife, she was never very important to him, she was sometimes there as a tender feeling inside him, she was a woman for him when he needed to have one, she had in her an important feeling but this as far as he knew it was only a joke to him, he never brushed her away from before him, he never pushed her away from him, she was never existing for him except as a woman when he had need of one, sometimes as a tender feeling in him, sometimes as a joke to him, she never had any existence for him outside of him. When she was not to him inside him she was never existing for him and so he never brushed her away from before him. She would do things for the children, sometimes he got angry with her then, mostly he never knew she did them those things that he did not want that they should have done for them, he never thought about it except when he was angry with her for them, mostly she was not in any such way important to him. Then there was for him in his living then the making of his great fortune, for that he was always fighting and pushing men away from around him and trying to brush them away from before him, in this he had it in him, though here too he was always changing and beginning, here he had it more in him than in any other thing in his living, to keep on with his going, he was always changing and beginning but mostly he kept on going much more than he ever had it in him to keep on going to an ending in ways of eating in ways of doctoring in ways of educating the children. In his home being he had around him the many people who lived in the small houses near them, but they were not important to him, they were like the governesses and seamstresses and servants and dependents there in the house with him, his being with all of these then was part of his wife's living with them and this will soon now come out in the living his wife did with them and with him. His children were for him, as it often is with men, his children were for him always outside him part of the world he was handling, sometimes playing with them, sometimes angry with them, sometimes loving with them, sometimes using, mostly fighting, and always dropping or domineering.
There were then living together Mr. David Hersland, his wife Fanny Hersland, their three children Martha and Alfred and David and in the house with them a governess a seamstress and the servants, in a part of Gossols where no other rich people were living. Near them were small houses with, for them, poor queer kind of people in them. Soon all of them living in the house came to know many of these, for them, poor queer people near them, some of these came to be a little dependent upon them, some of them came to be nearly all there was then of the three children's daily living that was important then to them.
They were all living, this family then, in a pleasant house in a ten acre place where living was very pleasant for them. They did there a little fancy farming, they had a little grain and fruit trees and vegetable gardening, they had many kinds of trees and sometimes they chopped down one of them, they had dogs and chickens and sometimes ducks and turkeys in the yard then, they had horses and two cows and sometimes they had young ones from the horses and the cows and that was very interesting to all of them, sometimes they had rabbits and always they had dogs, often they had a number of men working for them to get the hay in, sometimes they would catch rats and mice in the barn and that was very exciting to the children and sometimes to the father of them, and all around the ten acre place to shut all these joys in was a hedge of roses and in the summer many people came to pick them and then the family would let the dogs loose to bark at them and scare them, sometimes some one would come at night to steal fruit from them sometimes to steal a chicken and then there would be excitement for all of them and the dogs would be let loose to find the man but the dogs then were mostly not very anxious to get into danger with a strange man, they barked hard and that was all the danger there was for them or for the man who was stealing. And so they went on with the living all of them and mostly then their living was pleasant and interesting.
They were then regular in their living, the father was already then often full up with impatient feeling but in the beginning of their living in Gossols on the ten acre place in that part of Gossols where no other rich people were living, living was pleasant enough for all of them. Living was pleasant enough then for every one of them, living was often then more than pleasant enough for them, it was often full of joy to each one of them then, almost always it was pleasant enough there then to all of them.
Living was pleasant enough for all of them. The father had in him then much of changing much of beginning, he had ways of eating ways of doctoring ways of educating the children and he was always changing in them and this changing and then being full up with impatient feeling was already then a part of all of their daily living. The mother had her life with her husband and her children and her important feeling with the governess and servants and seamstress and the dependents near them, she had in her also her feeling of right rich living. The children, all three of them had it in them to be, in their feeling, more, of them, the poor people who lived around them, than they were of the family living then, at least this other life was, to all three of them, more inside to them then. They had their regular living, they had their school, their father and their mother and the three of them had the relation of each one of the others of them toward them, they had a governess and servants and men working, around them, they had all the joys of country living, and they had each one of them inside beginning then their own individual feeling.
Their father was always to all three of them, as it mostly is with men, their father was always to each one of them outside of them to them, part of the world to fear or fight, now and always for them. Sometimes they were very pleasant with him, sometimes loving to him, sometimes resisting to him, fighting or deceiving, always he was outside of them, always there was in him a danger to them, always they were never certain how far his anger might drive him, how far he would live his own life away from them. They never could have in them any such feeling about a woman or with children, it is only men who give to children this uncertain feeling, they never can know it about one of them how far the anger in him may drive him.
Life was pleasant there then for all of them. Always then in some ways trouble came to be inside in each one of them. As I was saying, in the early days of their living the father had it in him to be changing, to be full up with impatient feeling but this only made a reason to him for making a new beginning. This came out in him every day in his daily living.
As I was saying, they were regular enough in their daily living. The children had their schooling and that was mostly a regular thing with them, then they had various other ways of getting education and in these their father always had new ideas inside him.
All of the three children were beginning to have in them their own individual feeling. This began early in each one of them as it mostly is with children who have freedom in them and a father full up with beginning to commence them. Each one of them had already then their own kind of trouble inside in them, each one of them had soon a feeling about the ways of educating the way of getting new ways for the education of them, about ways of eating, that their father had then and always in him. All three of them then began to have in them their own individual feeling, there was beginning soon in each one of them the being alone inside, each one of them in their own feeling. They were different each one of them from the others of them in the troubles they had then inside them, in the lonely feeling they had sometimes in them that they were alone each one in them, in the scared feeling they could have in them, in the hurt or angry feelings each one in their own way had inside them. They were different each one of them from the others of them in the troubles they had then inside them, in the lonely feeling they had sometimes in them that each one was alone inside and this was sometimes all they needed to content them. They were different each one of them in the troubles they had then inside them, in the feeling that they had each one of them toward the father of them, toward the mother of them, toward the governess and other people in the house with them, toward the people living in the small houses near them. Each one of them was very different inside from the others of them, in all their ways each one of them had different feelings from the others of them different ways of being alone inside in them, different ways of thinking feeling suffering and playing. As I was saying, in a way life was regular enough for all of them then in the ten acre place in that part of Gossols where no other rich people were living cut off from all right rich being. As I was saying life was regular enough for all of them for the three children and the father and the mother of them. The children went to public school for their education. Their father had ideas about other things they should learn, other ways of doing besides the ways of the other children around them and it was in such things that he was always beginning.
Then there was their eating and their doctoring and the father always had new ideas inside him, new ways of beginning in ways they should have of eating and the doctoring that was good for children.
They were regular enough then in their daily living. The children were regular enough in their living, they were different each one of them from the other two of them, different in every thing in them for each one of them was of a different kind of being from the other two of them. The father and the mother mixed up in them made of each one of them a different kind of being from the others of them, this will come out more and more in them if they go on living as in old age they go on repeating what is inside them so that any one can know them. In their early living when they are no longer children this nature in them comes out less with repeating and so any one who knows them can know what is inside them. In children as it always is with young living there is much repeating but it is not then so surely themselves they are expressing, in their older living their repeating is then all that there is of them, when they are children their repeating does not tell what is really them, as young grown men and women it is much harder to know what is real in them but always they are telling, slowly they begin repeating, slowly we find it out about them what they have really inside them. As I was saying they were regular enough in their daily living, regular as living comes to be in later living, regular in repeating but, as I was saying, in the regular repeating in mostly all children there is less that is really from them more that is just part of the regular living around them. The three children had their regular school living.
There are many ways of taking teaching and each one of the Hersland children had a different way of learning from the other two of them, a different way of feeling about teachers and teaching, a different way of having pride in them and this came out very early in their living, in the regular public school training. There are many ways of having pride inside in one and always in receiving teaching the different kind of pride shows in each one. Martha, Alfred and David each one had a kind of pride in them but it was a very different pride in each one of them, it made a very different relation for each one of them to the teachers in the public school and to the governess at home and to the children around them, to the father of them and sometimes, not very often, to the mother of them. The three of them Martha, Alfred and David had different ways of having pride in them in taking the teaching they had in school with the other children around them, in taking their father's ideas of things they should learn from the governess and other teachers he had to teach them. All three of them had many kinds of education because of him. Sometimes they all three would be having just ordinary schooling. Sometimes all three would be having extra teaching, sometimes one or the other stopped going to school to try some other way of education that their father then thought would be good then for that one of them. Mostly though, in their younger living, they had all three of them fairly regular public school training and they had then each one their own feeling toward the life there with the teachers and the other children and this will come out in the history of each one. This will come out in the history of each one of them for I am thinking with each one of the three of them soon now there must be a beginning, I am thinking in each one of them soon there will be a beginning of a history of them from their beginning, and so slowly we can know it about them, each one of them, the real nature in them and the other kinds of nature mixed up in each one of them with the fundamental nature in them.
Mostly then in their young living they had regular public school training. Sometimes their father would be strong in religion and then this would make for the children complications in their daily living.
As I was saying in their younger living there was mostly a regular every day existence for them, in their younger living it was important to them that their father was as big as all the world around him, and it was then in him sometimes a little embarrassment to them, as I was telling, but mostly they liked it well enough the living with him and the things he was beginning and the ten acre place which was full of much joy then for all of them and the people in the small houses near them who were important then to all three of them in their daily living.
In their younger living, it was not very hard on them, their father's way of always beginning, they liked it too, the beginning, and the ending too, that was not so bad then for them, the impatient feeling in him was not then irritable inside him.
They had some troubles with him then in their early living, sometimes in ways of doctoring, sometimes when he thought it was good for all of them to have castor oil given to them, sometimes when he thought a Chinese doctor would be good for them, sometimes when he had a queer blind man to examine some one of them; but all this, and the ways of eating, ways of cooking, he thought good for them, will come out in the history of each one of the three of them, for in each one of them it had a different effect on them in their later living, these new beginnings in all their younger living, beginnings and new ways in doctoring and in ways of eating.
Sometimes in little things it would be annoying to them in their early living, his way of beginning and then never knowing that he was full up with impatient feeling and so had stopped and wanted others to keep on going. Sometimes this would be annoying of an evening. He would want to play cards and the three of them would begin with him, to please him. The children felt it to be hard on them when they would have begun playing cards just to oblige him and after a few minutes with them he would have arise in him his impatient feeling, and he would say, "here you just finish it up I haven't time to go on playing," and he would call the governess to take his hand from him and all three of the children would have then to play together a game none of them would have thought of beginning, and they had to keep on going for often he would stop in his walking to find which one was winning, and it never came to him to know that he had made the beginning and that the children were playing just because they had to, for him. It was a small thing but it happened very often to them and it was annoying for them.
In their younger living life was pleasant enough for all of them in the ten acre place, though they had a governess and that was not always pleasant to them, their father was not always pleasant for them, their mother mostly was not very important to them. It was true of all three of them then that they were more entirely of them, the poorer people who lived around them, than they were of their mother then, than their mother was of them then, though they were all there was of their mother's daily living then.
Later in their living their father was angry when he saw it in them that they were not comfortable with the people who were always in a right rich living, when they came in contact with them. This feeling the mother never had about them. To her she was always of that right rich being, she never felt it in her that she was cut off from the way of being that was the natural way of being for her, she felt the sense of being important inside her, she never knew that that was different in her than it had been when she was of the old way of living that was natural to her. It never came to her to know it inside her that she had in her a feeling of herself in her that never had been in her and never would be in most of her own family who had gone on with the natural way of living for them. She did not know she had had an important feeling of herself inside her arise in her from being cut off from the natural way of living for her, from knowing the Shilling family and then from having later around her only, for her, poor queer kind of people, and governesses and servants and seamstresses and dependents there in the house with her.
She never really knew it in her that she was not really important to the man who was a husband to her. She never really knew it in her that she was not important to the children who had been once in her. In her later life when she was weak and breaking down inside her she felt it a little dimly in her, now she did not have any such feeling, she had a feeling of herself inside her, she had around her a governess and servants and a seamstress and dependents, she had her husband and her three children. She never knew it in her husband that she was always less and less important to him, she never knew it then that her children were then coming to be more entirely of them, the poorer people who lived in the small houses near them, than they were of their mother then, than their mother was of them then, though to her feeling then they were almost all there was then of her daily living. She never knew it that to the feeling in her of herself inside her her husband and her children were not important to her, they were of her as if they were in her a part of her, they were not important to her in the feeling of herself inside her that had come now to begin to be really in her.
Real country living feeling all three of the Hersland children in their younger living had inside them, a real country living feeling. This they had in them in the ten acre place with the hired men working and the chickens and ducks and fruit-trees and haymaking and seed-sewing and cows and some vegetable gardening. It was to them in their feeling real country living, it was to them earning a living in the hard country way and it was so that they then felt it inside them.
The three children had in many ways then in them the feeling of real country living. Their mother never had this feeling, with her it was always country house city living. In the children it was sometimes a real country living feeling that they had in them, and they were then very really a part of the life around them, of country ways of making a living, of cows and chickens and fruit-trees and hunting, and it was for them then in their younger living not country house city living, it was for them then real country living and country feeling and village life around them and hard-working country ways of earning a living.
The people in the small houses near them had all of them a half and half feeling, a half country and a half city feeling in them.
The three Hersland children had in them a country house city feeling only in their mother's feeling and with the governess and servants and dependents living there in the house with them. As it was true then of all three of them that they were more then of the poorer people around them than they were of their mother's living then, so it was true of the three of them that they had more in them the country feeling of the people around them than they had of the half city feeling that these people had in them. All of the Hersland children had a little too of the half city feeling that the people around them had in them. The country feeling and the city feeling the Hersland children had in them in their being part of the life around them was different than any feeling their mother and the servants and governesses and dependents living in the house with them ever had in any of them. Their father had a feeling more like that in them then, with him it was from his being as big as all the world around him, everything was in him, he had all of it somehow someway a little in him, city feeling, country feeling, and city country house feeling, inside him.
With the people living in the small houses near them Mr. Hersland mostly had in him city country house living, he was important to all of them, the only rich man in that part of Gossols where they were living. He was important to them then, the rich man, and they did not then know him any more than as his children then knew him. He was a pleasant enough useful enough man for them to have living in the big place near them. The queer ways in him never made them think much about him. They knew then more of the daily living of Mrs. Hersland and the children. The men in most of the little houses near the ten acre place mostly, like Mr. Hersland, only came to their houses for eating, for sleeping and for Sunday resting. He did the same, only he was a rich man, a pleasant man enough to them, a useful man enough when they would have any need of him. They never thought much about the queer ways he sometimes had in him, they never had then for him anything in the way of a personal feeling.
He was then for them a city country house person. He had it in him to feel other things inside him, sometimes to feel in him a real country living feeling, sometimes he brushed it all away from him, the country feeling, the city country house feeling living, he was then inside him a city man with city schemes and troubles and men around him, and then he walked up and down and his impatient feeling was irritable inside him and he would be muttering and talking to himself and jingling the money in his pockets then and more and more it came to be true of him that he walked up and down thinking, to himself inside him working, scheming, brushing men away from around him, domineering over them, going another way not knowing inside him that he was leaving them because they were then too many for him.
More and more then in their later living in the ten acre place in that part of Gossols where no other rich people were living there was for him no reality to country living, to city country house living. There was to him then in his later living more reality in the people living then around him, but this will come out in the history of him as each of his children get to know it then about him. For the children it was in the beginning really country living, for the mother it was always rich city country house living. For the people around them in Mrs. Hersland then it was rich city country house living, in Mr. Hersland city being, in the three Hersland children each one a mixed thing in them of the three ways of feeling, rich city country house being country being and city being, and the mixtures of these three feelings in each one of the three of them to the people in the small houses near them is part of the history of each one of the three of them.
Each one of them had something in them then of real country feeling. In some one of them it was the fruit-trees, in some one the vegetable gardening, in some the cows, in some the chickens, in some the selling things from the place, in some the men working, in some ways in all three of them there was then something of real country living feeling, something of country life earning of a living. They all three had it in them to have something of such country feeling. They got it in many ways, in hay-making, hay cutting, helping the men working, eating bread and vegetables, fruit as they were picking it, they got it from milking, and butter and cheese making, they got it from the seasons and the things they did to help things growing, they got it in every way around them, they got it in helping ploughing, in helping cut grass, and make the hay into bales for winter storing, they got it from playing Indians and having the darkness come around them, they got it from eating grass and leaves and having the taste in their mouths to bring back such things to them in their later living, they got it in every kind of a way then. They got it from the feeling of the wind around them, when they shouted with it around them, when they crouched down somewhere with it cut off from them, when they helped the men sowing seed with it blowing around them, and when the trees hit their own wood and made that queer sound that they got to have inside them. One can only get the real feeling of wind blowing in the country, in country living. Rain beating, and mud and snow and other ways of feeling the world outside them they can have in city country house living. Strong wind blowing needs real country living to give it a right feeling and this they all three of them each in their own way had then inside them. It was a very different way that each one of them had it in them, a different way too that their mother had it in her, that their father had it in him.
Real country living feeling all three of the Hersland children in their younger living had inside them, a real country living feeling. It was to them then in their feeling real country living, it was to them then earning a living in the country way. It was so that they then felt it inside them. In their later living it was different in each one of them. In Martha this being part of the country village living was not in her later living inside her to her feeling but it was inside her in her being. In Alfred there was in his later living nothing of this in him, not in his being not in his feeling; he was of his mother then, the feeling she had had in her was what was in him then, the being important to himself inside her, the having in her the right rich being which was the natural being in her. In the younger brother David this early living was made by him into him as he made all his living in him, he made it a part of him, was something in him to be made over inside him to be a part of the whole of him. As I was saying Mrs. Hersland never had inside her country living feeling nor city living feeling. She did not have such a feeling in her any more than the governesses and seamstresses and servants who lived in the house with her. She had a feeling of being part of the rich right being that was natural to her. She had always in her the feeling of rich city country house living with servants and dependents in the house with her, with near her, for her, poor queer kind of people who were employed by her, who were to her different from her, who were with her to her as they had need of her; she felt herself inside her important to herself in her with such people always around her. Always more and more she felt herself important inside her. This came to be in her at its strongest inside her in her relation to a governess, Madeleine Wyman. Later it came to be less and less inside her. Later she was weakening inside her and her feeling of importance to herself inside her went out in her. She broke down a little, later, into weakness inside her. She more and more then had no strength in her, she more and more then was not important to her husband who was beginning then to have troubles in him that left him nothing of the tender feeling she had once been for him, she was less and less important to her children who were then so big inside them that she was then always lost among them. More and more then in her weakening she was not of them and superior to them the servants in the house with them and the people in the small houses near them. More and more she was weakening then, the feeling of herself inside her died out of her then. Her husband never thought about her then, she was lost then among her children who were then themselves inside in each one of them and fighting it out with all the world around them, she was not part of their world then, she was lost among them. She was not any longer then important to the servants in the house then. There was not any longer then a governess or a seamstress in the house with them. The people in the small houses near them were always less and less part of the daily living of Martha, Alfred and young David then. Mr. Hersland was the only one important to them then and so in every way the feeling of herself inside her was no longer kept up in her. Soon it all died out of the inside of her, she was weakening then and when all the troubles came to all of them in their later living she died away and left them and they all soon forgot that she had ever been important to them as a wife, a mother, a mistress living among them. One never forgot her in her later living and this was the governess Madeleine Wyman. With her had come to Mrs. Hersland to have it strongest inside her in all the living from the beginning to the ending of her, it had come to her to have in her relation to Madeleine Wyman and the family of Madeleine Wyman the strongest time in her of having a feeling of herself inside, of being important to herself in her.
Mrs. Hersland's living in the ten acre place with a husband, three children, always with a governess, a seamstress and servants in the house with her, and with, for her, poor people around her, was the important part of living to her, the part of living where she was nearest in her to being important to herself inside her as an individual power not only as part of the rich being which was natural to her.
She never knew it in her that it was different inside her than it would have been in her if she had lived in Bridgepoint with her family around her and the natural way of being for her always in her. Slowly the different kind of feeling of herself inside her grew to be more and more in her. It was at its strongest in her in her relation to the governess Madeleine Wyman and her struggles with the family of the Wymans who wanted to interfere with her. It was strong in her when she went a little later to visit at Bridgepoint and had her family around her. She was then herself inside her and that made a kind of a princess of her and they, her family, never knew it about her, she never knew it in her, that it was different inside her because of her having been cut off from the way of living that was the natural way of living for her. This was the end of the strongest time of being important to herself inside her. Then began the weakening of this in her, then began the weakening of the health in her, of herself inside her, of the whole of her. More and more then she broke down into weakness inside her and that was the beginning of her ending and she went on then slowly weakening to the end of her. She died away then and they all soon forgot her. The governess Madeleine Wyman was the only one to keep it in her that Mrs. Hersland once had been strong to feel herself inside her. Madeleine Wyman was married then and had a successful enough life then but always Mrs. Hersland was the most important thing, to her, that had ever been in her.
In their younger living all the three children Martha, Alfred and David, all of them had it in them to be more or less afraid of their father when he was angry or even playing with them. They never knew then how the anger in him might drive him, they never knew when they were playing with him when it might change in him to an outburst and then they never knew how far this burst would carry him and so like most women and all children, even when they would stand up against him, the man near them, they had in their younger living, all of them, more or less fear in them. This was not in all of them then a conscious feeling. They had each one then more or less of fear in them always when with him, when he would be connected to them in their feeling, in their actual doing. They had not then this about them in them as a conscious feeling then each one of them, they did not have then in them while they were connected to him a conscious feeling of more or less fear in them until after each time with him, then they would have more or less in them a conscious feeling in them of the fear that they had always more or less then in them with him. This was more or less true then of all three of them. Later in their living when it had come to be with him that he was all full up with impatient feeling, that then there was nothing in him that was not impatient feeling, then they had not any longer much fear of him, they knew it then about him that he was filled up with impatient feeling, they knew then that the anger in him never would drive him to any last act against them. More and more then as impatient feeling was all that there was of him, less and less then did they have in them any fear of him, more and more then they could stand up against him and he would always give way before them. Martha had always a little left in her even in his latest living of this fear of him, Alfred and David then had no fear of him, they could stand up to him and win out against him with not any fear inside them of where his anger might drive him. This was true of them in his later living, when his wife was no longer in him, when nothing was in him but impatient feeling. Later it went further with him, he was shrunk away then from the outside of him, he had impatient feeling in him but it was then weakness in him he had not enough of that then to fill him, he needed others then to fill him, he was then shrunk away from the outside of him. He needed then a woman to fill him and that was the last part of his living. Martha was then with him, she had come back out of her trouble to him, she was then there taking care of him, she had still a little fear in her of him, she had not then any power in him, she could not fill him, other women did it for him, and so he kept on to his ending.
There are many kinds of men and there are many millions made of each kind of them. The many millions of each kind of them have in them each one more or less of that which makes such a kind of them. Of the kind that Mr. David Hersland was he had a great deal of it in him, later it all turned into impatient feeling inside him, later then it became only a weakness in him, he was shrunk away from the outside of him, he needed others then inside him to fill him.
Mr. David Hersland had it in his strongest living to be as big as all the world around him, it was in him, he was all it in him, it was to him all inside him, he was it and it was to him all always in him. This was the big feeling in him and then he was strong in beginning. This was the biggest time of his living, when this was strong in him his big feeling his being strong in beginning his keeping going even with impatient feeling in him, before all of it in him turned into impatient feeling. This was the big time in his living, and this was when his wife was still in him as a tender feeling, when his children were first beginning to have in them individual feeling. This was the time of such a big feeling in him and then he was strong in beginning. The world around him, all, every moment, in beginning, it was then and it was all in him, and he was strong then and full up with beginning. There are many millions of every kind of men, there are many millions of them and they have each one of them more or less in them of the kind of man they are and this makes a different being of each one of the many millions of that kind of them, that, the quantity in them of their kind of being, and the mixture in them of other kinds of being in them. There are many millions of each kind of men and other kinds of being are mixed up in each one of each kind of them but the strongest thing in each one of them is the bottom in them the kind of being in them that makes them. The bottom to every one then is the kind of being that makes him, it makes for him the kind of thinking, the way of eating, the way of drinking, the way of loving, the way of beginning, and the way of ending, in him. Other kinds of natures are in almost all men and almost all women mixed up in them with the bottom nature of them, and this mixture in them with the amount they have in them of their bottom kind of nature in them makes in each one a different being from the many millions always being made like him. There are many kinds of men then and there are always many millions made of each kind of them. There is a kind of them that have it in them to be as big as all the world in their feeling, to be strong in beginning, and that is their kind of men. For such a kind of men the world around them is all in a beginning, for each of them beginning is the strongest thing in them. There are many millions of such a kind of men and they have it in all of them to be strong in beginning. In some of them, and they are mostly weaker in all their living, weaker than some of the other millions made of that kind of them, some of them keep on to their last minute with beginning, they are always a little weaker in their living, they are always to their last ending busy with beginning, some of such a kind of them have a great kind of bigness in them but they are weaker in their living than others of that kind of men, some of such ones of that kind of men have a great kind of feeling in them but it is in them only great in its beginning, it goes out into little things later in them, they must then have it in them to commence a new beginning to be big again inside them, they go on to their last ending in beginning, they are always a little weaker in living, they are always to their last ending busy with beginning. Some of this part of that kind of men have it in them to be big in their beginning, to have then a kind of greatness in them in the feeling they have inside them with beginning, and then it turns into an empty nothing in them, sometimes it turns into a blown up feeling in them, sometimes into a full emptiness that is then all there is of them then and keeps on so inside them to their ending. They are some then who keep on to their last minute with beginning, they are always a little weaker in their living, they are always to their last ending busy with beginning. There are some of the kind of men, the kind that have beginning as the strongest thing inside them, there are many of them many of the many millions of them, there are many of them who so sometime keep on going keep on going a little time with some one thing they have had in them as beginning; there are some who sometime keep on going with something they sometime had as a beginning, keep on going with it then to their ending. These are some of the many millions of such a kind of men who have it in them to be as big in their feeling as all the world around them. There are some of such a kind of men who have it in them to push some one thing through to an ending something they have sometime had as a beginning, there are some of the many millions of this kind of men who have it in them to push several things through to an ending several things that they have had as a beginning in them. There are some who have something strong inside them that pushes through to an ending what they have in them as a beginning, some have such a success in them. Some have some time almost a success in them, some have something almost as a success inside them and then it breaks down in them, some of such of them try then with a new beginning, some of such of them break down inside them and there is then an end to them. Some have the beginning feeling in them turn into impatient feeling inside them as David Hersland had it in him. All of all the many millions of such a kind of men have it in them some time to be in them as big as all the world in their feeling, they have it in them all of them to be strong in all beginning. David Hersland had a mixture in him and this will come out clearly in the history of him. As I was saying the biggest time in his living was when he was in Gossols near the end of that beginning when he was making his great fortune, when his wife was still in him as a tender feeling, when the important feeling she had in her then was a kind of joke to him, when she was not important to him but was not yet a trouble to him with letting the children be too strong for her to have them inside her to him, when his children were first beginning to have a little in them of an individual being. At the end of this beginning in him before he came to be full up with impatient feeling there was beginning in him impatient feeling, then his children were beginning not any longer to be part of their mother to him, they were beginning to be part of the world around him that he was domineering, fighting, brushing away from before him, sometimes breaking away from and leaving though he never knew this of himself in him, there was beginning then in him impatient feeling and in a joking way with a little irritation in him he brushed his wife away from before him, he was fighting then or domineering the men around him in his business living or brushing them away from around him or taking another way in a blustering fashion so as not to be beaten by them. This was at the beginning of the ending of his great beginning and this was when his wife had strongest in her her own important feeling. In the beginning of his great beginning he had a little of impatient feeling in him, always ever since he had had finished in him the adolescent being he had had a little impatient feeling in him but up to the beginning of the ending of his big beginning it had not had very much irritation in it for him or for others around him, he was hearty then and everything was in him then in his feeling, he was strong then in beginning, the world around him then to him was all every moment in beginning and he was it and it was all in him, and he was strong then and full up with beginning.
When a man is in the middle of his living it is very hard for any one who knows him, hard for himself or for others around him, for the men around him or his wife or other women or his children or the children who play with them, hard for any one of them to know him. Later in his living when it comes to be inside him that it all settles down inside him and he begins repeating in him the whole thing he is then it is then easy to begin to know him, any one who stays with him then can learn to know the kind of man he is then. When a man is in the middle of his living it is very hard to know him. Mostly with women in the middle of their living it is not so hard to know them, it is in them when they are young women that they are like a man in the middle of his living. Anyhow it is very hard to know of most men and to know it in many women in the middle of their living what there is in them, what there is as a bottom to them, what there is mixed up inside them. Slowly, more and more, one gets to know them as repeating comes out in them. In the middle of their living they are always repeating, everybody always is repeating in all of their whole living but in the middle of the living of most men and many women it is hard to be sure about them just what it is they are repeating, they are in their living saying many things then and it is hard to know it about them then what it is in them they are repeating that later in their living will show itself to be the whole of them to any one who wants to watch them. Babies in repeating have not very many different kinds of ways of doing it in them but growing old men and women in repeating show the kind of men, the kind of women that is in them. They show it in them then which they are of the many kinds of men and women. Perhaps babies have it in them to be each one a little different from all the other babies that are always being made but they have not it in them to have so many different kinds of them as men and women have it in them. Babies have not it in them to show much to any one who sees them in their repeating the kind they are then. There are not so many kinds of babies as there are kinds of men and women. Growing old men and women have in them the kind they are of men and women and that comes out to any one that stays with them in the repeating that more and more then repeats the whole of them.
Mr. David Hersland in his middle living was in Gossols making his great fortune. He had many things then in him, his living with men around him in his business living, his living with his wife, his knowing other men and women, his living on the ten acre place in that part of Gossols where no other rich people were living his living on the ten acre place with his wife and children and governess and servants there in the house with him and with poor people in small houses near them. All these then came to know him, there was not then in him yet the certain repeating that makes older men and older women clear to every one that looks long at them, there was in him then all that later would break down into repeating. There was for him then his business living, there was for him then his children beginning to have in them individual being, there was for him then his wife and she was having in her then her most important feeling. Every one who then saw him came a little then to know him but it was not easy then for them and this is a history of how each one of them then felt him. There was a mixture in him of several ways in which his kind of men have it in them to work out in them the beginning which is the strongest thing in them and the feeling themselves as big as all the world around them. This mixture in him had many ways of coming out in him, in the middle of his living. It was not easy to know it certainly about him then which mixture was most him, always it came out a good deal in him to everybody who saw him or knew him then that he was a man who was in feeling himself inside him as big as all the world around him, that he was the kind of man who has it in him the being strong in beginning. In his middle living it was hard to tell which kind of a way this would work out in him, whether he had it in him to push on to succeeding in some one thing, whether something in him would push itself through to success through all the beginnings in him, whether it would each time break down in him, whether he would break down into weakness inside him, whether several things would come to a finish that he had as beginnings in him, whether all beginning in him would change off into another beginning, whether he would become bland inside him, whether the beginnings in him would break down into impatient feeling, whether there would be several of these things in him. In his middle living not any one could tell anything of this certainly about him. As I have said once, to the people living in the small houses near them he was then in the big middle of his living, he was, in the beginning of their knowing him, to them, a queer man, with his big ways in buying and his way of owning everything around him to his feeling, they never then had trouble with him, he was then a good neighbor for them to have near them, a rich man to buy from them, they liked him but they had not then any personal feeling for him, he had queer ways in him but they laughed pleasantly for him for he was a rich man and they had a respect for him, he was a good neighbor to any of them who asked him to do anything for them, he was prompt in paying, he was large in buying, he was apart from them, they knew then nothing more about him, his children were a little of them then the people around him then, his wife lived among them the people around him then but above them in her country house feeling, Mr. Hersland was to them a city man and he had a home near them in that part of Gossols where no other rich people were living, to them then he was not living among them, he was a city man to them. They were as I have said about them, these people in the small houses near him, they were in their being half city and half country people. He was to them in the first beginning of their knowing him, a city man for their half country feeling. Slowly they came to know more about him in his country living, they first learned to know more about him as a man with a country house feeling in him, then it came to be for them that they knew him as a city man with a little country living in him, later in his later living they came to know in him city being with their half city feeling and this was for them the end of his living, the end of his being among them. All men and all women, if they keep on in their living come to the repeating that makes it clear to anyone who listens to them then the real nature of them. In the middle living of most men and many women it is very hard to know them, with some of them it is much harder than with others of them. With women, mostly, it is easier to know them then, for there is with them in their middle living less complete mixing of the natures in them than in most men. They, many women, have not in their middle living so much in their way of being to make it all inside them mix into a whole as most men have it in them in their middle living, they have less in the conditions of their living to make the natures in them mix together with the bottom nature of them to make a whole of them than most men have it then in them. In their middle living there is stronger in them the simple repeating that makes them clear to any one who stays with them, with most of them any one who watches them then can come to know them. With most men, though many millions of the many kinds of them have this less in them, most kinds of men in their middle living are mixed up then to be a whole thing then and so it is harder then to be sure with them what is the bottom nature in them, how far this bottom nature of them will drive them; and so children can not tell it of them then how far anger in a father will drive him, girls cannot tell it in a man then how far a feeling in him will bring him, business men and men working with him or under him, men he is directing, men who are fighting him, they are like his children, they are never certain in his middle living how far the power in him will carry him, then it begins a little more to break down into repeating in him, then more and more they see it in him just how far the nature in him will carry him, and so more and more then it breaks down into repeating in him and this goes on to the last end of him. His wife, a wife living with a man, knows it earlier about him in her feeling what is the bottom nature of him, knows it sooner about him than his children or the men who are with him in his business living. In the relation a wife has with a man, in loving, in eating, in drinking, in sleeping, in doctoring, there is more simple repeating, and so the wife living with him comes sooner to feel it in him in his middle living what will come to be later his repeating than any one else who can then know him. Mostly she knows it about him just at the beginning of his middle living, mostly no one else comes to be sure about it in him until toward the beginning of the ending of his middle living. This in a wife, most often, is mostly not a conscious feeling but she has it in her to know about him how far the feeling in him will drive him.
One never can know certainly in any one the nature of him when he is a boy or a young man for then there are many things to drive him that are not the nature of him, in the middle living it is only the nature in him that will drive him and this will come out then always more and more in him as he begins then at the beginning of the ending of his middle living to repeat more and more the whole of him.
With Mr. David Hersland then in his middle living, the men who were working with him, the men who were working under him, they all knew it about him that he was as big as all out doors in his feeling inside him, they knew it about him that he was strong in beginning, they never knew it about him then so that they could be certain then in them how far anything in him would go to an ending, how far the nature in him might drive him, how far there would be success in him, if there ever would come to him a breaking down inside him, what it would be that would fill him in his later living, what would be the repeating in his later living that would show the nature in him. His children had it in them to know it sooner about him than the men in his business living, they knew it sooner about him how strong it was beginning to be in him in his middle living that his beginning would break down into impatient feeling. They knew this about him sooner than the men with him in his business living, they knew it sooner about him how far his nature would take him, they learnt it about him from the anger in him but this to them too was in the beginning of the ending of his middle living. They soon knew then that his beginning would break down into impatient feeling, later they learned it about him that the anger in him would never carry him to any last act against them.
Some of the men who were in business living with Mr. Hersland were always afraid of him, afraid of the big ways in him, afraid of his way of strongly fighting, afraid of the big beginning in him, all through their being with him in business living they were afraid of him, they were afraid when with him when he would be beginning things with them. Later they would think, if it ever came that there was an ending in him in his success in making a great fortune, they would perhaps think then that they had always known this about him but in his middle living they could not know it of him, no one could then know it about him which way the beginning in him would work out through him. There was in him then for every one who knew him in his business living the being great in beginning, there was in him always then strong fighting, there was in him then brushing people away from before him, there was a little in him then a turning away from some of them in a blustering fashion as if he were brushing them away from around him though really then he was going away from them so that he could not know it in him that he could not brush them away from before him, there was in him a hearty way of laughing, a strong way of fighting, there was in him his business living, then in the middle of his living very little impatient feeling such as his children just about then were beginning then to know in him. In his middle living in his business working what was for his children impatient feeling in him in their troubles with him was for the men around him strong beginning, strong fighting, brushing people away from before him. All of them knew it about him that he was as big as all the world in his feeling, the men around him in his business living knew this in him because of his big way of seeing, his children felt it in him in the trouble they had in them when they were walking with him and they were ashamed because of the queer ways he had of doing.
There were many different kinds of men that knew Mr. Hersland in his business Jiving and they had many different ways of feeling about the ways he had in him, about his strong beginnings, about his fighting everybody who was not to his feeling in him, about brushing people away from before him when he was going on with his beginning and full up with big feeling. Some as I was saying felt him to be a dangerous man for them, some of these went with him in beginning and then they liked it better to do their own finishing, for them even when he was carrying a beginning through perhaps to an ending the carrying it on by him had for them too much in it of beginning to ever be a comfort to them, some of these then did not fight him they began with him and then they went on in their own way to an ending. He would be then full up with beginning and with fighting, he might be going on too from the same beginning that he had begun together with them, he might be going on too to an ending but with him going on had always in it something of beginning and they left it to him to go on alone with his big feeling. They went on to their own ending. He was strong in fighting but as I was saying he had it in him to turn away in fighting into another direction in a blustering fashion and he never knew it in him that the nature in him would not carry him to the last fighting. He was strong in fighting and he liked it for he felt his strength then in him. He was strong in fighting he was not so strong in winning, more and more then at the ending of his middle living fighting in him turned into impatient feeling inside him, more and more then fighting in him in his late living broke down into weakness inside him. As I was saying he was strong in fighting, he was strong in brushing people away from before him. He would have in him then when he was fighting all the joy of being full up with beginning, he would have then when he was brushing people away from around him all the big feeling of being as big as all the world, inside him. When he was fighting, when he was brushing people away from before him, he was to himself then as if the whole world was in him, he was it, it was in him, there was not any difference then for him of him and all the world around him. It was a very joyous thing in him this big feeling, everybody who saw him felt it in him, his children it made uncomfortable when they were out with him. The big feeling in him was not in him a big empty feeling, it was to him to be always strong in fighting, not so strong in winning, sometimes then in a blustering fashion he would go another way out of fighting, to himself then always it was that he was brushing others away from him, he never knew it in him that he went in this way out of fighting till his children told him when in his later living his impatient feeling made them angry with him.
It was a very joyous thing in him this big feeling in him, everybody who saw him felt it in him. Everybody who had anything to do with him had a very strong feeling in them about this big feeling in him. As I was saying every one of the many millions of this kind of men have it in them to have some time inside them a big feeling, a feeling of themselves inside them as big as all the world around them. In many of the millions of this kind of men such a big feeling is in them only as beginning inside them it never works out to a finish through them. Some of such a kind of men have it in them to work it through to a finish to a complete thing the big feeling that was in them. There have not been many millions of the many millions of the kind of men the kind that have such a kind of big feeling some time in them who work it out to an ending, in some of them it remains in them as beginning and they never lose it out of them and so it is a strong thing always in them, yes some have it in them through all their living to keep a thing in them in beginning it is always big inside them it is always as a beginning in them it never breaks down into weakness in them it never breaks down into new beginnings inside them it never breaks down into impatient feeling in them, it never comes to be swelled out and then empty in them it remains in them as big as the feeling in them of being as big as all the world inside them to their feeling, it remains in them always as a big beginning. Mr. David Hersland in his being had a mixture in him. There was in him all through his living a big beginning that was always in him to the last moment of his living, more and more in his later living it did not fill him, more and more toward the end of his middle living he was filled up with impatient feeling and the big beginning that was always in him to his ending was not important in him to those who then knew him, more and more to everyone then around him there was to him only impatient feeling but always in him to every one who knew him there was even when he was full up with impatient feeling there was always in him a big thing inside him there was in him a big beginning inside him. And this was in him, a big beginning, until the last of his living. Later in his living when he was shrunk away from the outside of him, when he needed women inside him to fill him, when his impatient feeling had broken down into weakness in him there was still spread out inside him a big feeling and that was the beginning always in him, the beginning that always was in him all through his living. In his middle living then there were many ways of feeling this mixture in him by every one who then knew him. As I was saying there were many then who felt this big beginning in him and they also felt the danger in him of his strong fighting, fighting that did not carry the beginning in him to an ending, fighting that to his children was impatient feeling, that to some men who fought against him was a blustering turning away from them, that to some other men near him meant a brushing of them away from around him that to some men meant a living thing that they admired in him for it gave to such men a feeling of living inside them, that meant to some women a weakness in him so that they felt it in them that they could manage him by ingratiating diplomatic domineering—mostly in his middle living he brushed these away from around him but they did not lose then the feeling they had in them about him,—that meant to poor people near him a hearty nature in him, that meant to his children in their younger living a thing to make them ashamed when they were walking with him sometimes made them afraid of him and then in his later living made them angry with him and in his latest living made them take care of him, made his wife feel her power with him and sometimes feel she had no importance for him, made him to the governesses and servants in the house with him a man who would not interfere with them for they could not feel a power in him for the feeling in him to them that in his business living made strong fighting in him they saw it in him in the daily living in the house with him they saw that it used itself up without touching the people he was fighting, there was to them no contact in him and so in the household living he did not count for them, it was Mrs. Hersland who was important for them.
In his business living, among the men who knew him, some were afraid of him, they were mostly not afraid to fight with him they felt it in them that he was strong in fighting and that most of the fighting would hit him, there were many then who were not afraid to fight against him for mostly people felt in him in his middle living that there was no danger in him for people he was fighting, dimly they knew it in them almost every one who then knew him that nothing in him would carry him to any last act against them there was no danger for them then they mostly all of them felt it so then inside them those with whom he was fighting, those whom he was brushing away from around him; those who felt he was a dangerous man to have with them were men who were with him in his big beginnings and they felt in them even when he was going onward from a beginning they felt it in them that his going on had in it too much beginning to make them feel safe with him, so mostly they would then after a big beginning with him go their own way to ending, they would leave him with the big beginning always in him, they would leave him to his strong fighting to his brushing of people away from him to his going another way away from the man in front of him in his blustering fashion that was to himself a brushing away of the people around him.
He was strong then in beginning, he was strong in fighting, he was always changing, he was very strong in fighting. In his business living this came out in him, it came out in him in all his living, it came out in him in his ways of eating, in his ways of doctoring, in his ways of educating his children. In his business living no one went with him to an ending, always they would somewhere leave him and go on to their own finishing. To the end of his business living he had in him a big beginning, this never broke down into weakness inside him, this never broke down into impatient feeling, he was full then in his later living with impatient feeling and then later with weakness inside him but always in him too was a big beginning and this was in him to his ending. Mostly all the men in business with him went on to their own ending, some later when he was no longer living brought to a finish his big beginning but mostly all of them who were with him in his business living were with him in beginning and then they left him to his fighting, to his brushing people away from around him, to his going away from them in a blustering fashion which was to himself brushing them away from before him. In his younger living when he was working with older men above him he would be brought through them to finish out a beginning he had in him. He was always strong in fighting but then his being strong in beginning with others to bring it to an ending through him made him a big man to all then around him. Later in his living every one mostly left him to his fighting, to his brushing people away from around him to his going another way when as it mostly happened in him the nature in him did not carry him to the last end of fighting.
As I was saying men working with him in his business living mostly went their own way to an ending of the things they began with him. Mostly to all of them there was danger to them in his way of going on to an ending. There was for them too much of beginning in his way of ending. Those who followed with admiration in them were mostly men who had not enough in them of themselves inside them to begin a big thing with him, they were outside him they were outside his business living, they were full of admiration for him, they felt in them part of the big feeling of being as big as all the world around them when they were with him. These men were to him like the people in the small houses near him, in that part of Gossols where no other rich people were living, except that they came closer to him, they were not important to him they were not inside him for him but they were a comfort to him, they liked to know he had been fighting, they liked to know he had been brushing people away from around him, they were always there for him, they were not inside him to him, they were not important to him to his feeling, but they made a kind of support around him when he was resting up from fighting, they made a kind of cushion for him to keep him from knowing when he was through with fighting that he had not been winning. They were beginning to be important to him at the beginning of the ending of his middle living, earlier in his living they were all to him as the people in the small houses near him, in his country house living, he was hearty for them, he was a good neighbor to any one, he was good to do things for any one of them who asked him to do things for them. Some of them in the beginning of the ending of his middle living were more and more important to him as padding, not to fill him but to keep him from knowing it in himself that he was not strong in winning that the nature in him would not carry him to the last end of fighting which is winning, that when he turned away in a blustering fashion he was not brushing people away from him. He never knew it inside him that he was not brushing people away from around him when he went away from them in another direction in a blustering fashion until his children in his later living when they were angry with him for his impatient feeling said it to him. These men then in the beginning of the ending of his middle living were beginning to be important to him, they were then a padding, to him not inside him but around him. These men, some of them then, came to be in him a little like a tender feeling then when his wife was no longer in him as a tender feeling, they knew it always of him that he had a big beginning in him—that this was in him even when he was full up with impatient feeling—when later he was shrunk away from the outside of him, they always knew him to be strong in fighting and this in him made a strong living feeling always inside them to know him. In the beginning of the ending of his middle living some of such men were a little important to him. As I was saying his children knew it sooner of him than the business men around him that he was full up with impatient feeling that the fighting in him would break down into impatient feeling, they knew it sooner about him than the business men around him that the anger in him would not carry him to any last act against them. His wife as I was saying knew it in her feeling sooner than the business men around him sooner than his children how far the nature in him would carry him, knew it sooner in her feeling how she could manage him, knew it in her feeling how in a way she was not important to him though this last never came to be a conscious feeling till at the ending of his middle living. The governess and servants in the house with him, as I was saying, liked him then in his middle living for his hearty laughing and the big ways he had of buying but they never felt in contact with him, his wife and his children were more real to all of them, this was true of all of them the servants and the governesses as they lived in the house with them, there was less of such a feeling in the governess Madeleine Wyman who was the governess they had with them in the beginning of the ending of Mr. Hersland's middle living, in the time when Mrs. Hersland had inside her the most important feeling of herself to herself in her feeling.
Mr. David Hersland then in his home living had always new ideas
about ways of eating, ways of doctoring, ways of educating
children, sometimes in a stubborn way he would go on a long time
with some one way of them but this was mostly well at the end of
his middle living, when his wife was not any longer strong in him,
when she was no longer a tender feeling in him, when she was not
any longer important to him. His wife had sooner in her than any
one that knew him a feeling of how far the nature in him would
carry him. She knew this in her from living with him as a wife to
him, from the simple repeating that a man has in him for the woman
who is a wife to him. He never felt it in him as a judgment of him
this feeling that made her know about him how far the nature in him
would carry him, she was to him never a thing outside him excepting
when she was a kind of joke to him, she was always to him inside
him, she never had for him any importance for him in her being
outside of him, in such a part of her being she was either a joke
to him or she was not important to him or he brushed her away from
around him. The men around him in his business living never made
him feel in him how far the nature in him would carry him, to
himself with them he was strong in fighting with them or against
them or he was brushing them away from around him or they were not
important to him. The governesses and servants and the for him poor
people near him were never important to him excepting perhaps in
his later living when he was shrunk away from the outside of him
and he needed a woman inside to fill him and this was beginning a
little in him in the beginning of the ending of his middle living,
or else when there were some of them in him a little in his later
living as a tender feeling as earlier his wife had been in him to
him, or as they were in the beginning of the ending of his middle
living important as a padding to him. So he never knew it in him
how far the nature in him could carry him, how he could not come to
the last end of fighting, he never knew it inside him that he was
not brushing people away from around him when he went away from
them in another direction in a blustering fashion until his
children in his later living when they were angry with him for his
impatient feeling said it to him. His children were for him not so
completely outside him as business men around him, they were not in
him as his wife was in him and as later some women and some men
were in him, they were not of no importance to him inside him as
some men and some women and the governesses and servants and people
living near him were to him, they were outside him, they could get
at him, in his later living when they were angry with him because
of his being full up then with impatient feeling they told him what
they thought of him, they made him feel it then inside him and this
was all in the ending of his middle living.
A man in his living has many things inside him, he has in him his important feeling of himself to himself inside him, he has in him the kind of important feeling of himself to himself that makes his kind of man; this comes sometimes from a mixture in him of all the kinds of natures in him, this comes sometimes from the bottom nature in him, this comes sometimes from the natures in him that are in him that are sometime in him mixed up with the bottom nature in him, sometimes in some men this other nature or natures in him are not mixed with the bottom nature in him at any time in his living many of such men have the important feeling of themselves inside them coming from the other nature or natures in them not from the bottom nature of them.
Many men have sometime in their living the important feeling of themselves to themselves inside them, some men have always this feeling inside them, most men have such a feeling more or less in them, perhaps all men and mostly all women have sometime in them a feeling of themselves to themselves inside them; this comes sometimes from a mixture in them of the kind of natures in them, this comes sometimes from the bottom nature of them, this comes sometimes from the natures in them that are mixed up with the bottom natures of them, sometimes in some of them the other nature or natures in them are not mixed with the bottom nature in them, many of such of them have the important feeling of themselves inside them coming from the other natures not from the bottom nature of them.
Mostly all men in their living have many things inside them. As
I have just been saying the feeling of themselves inside them can
come in different ways from the inside of them, can come in
different ways in some of the many millions of one kind of men from
the other millions of that same kind of them.
A man in his living has many things inside him. He has in him his feeling himself important to himself inside him, he has in him his way of beginning; this can come too from a mixture in him, from the bottom nature of him, from the nature or natures in him more or less mixed up with the bottom in him, in some, though mostly in all of them the bottom nature in them makes for them their way of beginning, in some of each kind of men the other nature or natures in them makes for them their way of beginning.
Men in their living have many things inside them, they have in them, each one of them has it in him, his own way of feeling himself important inside in him, they have in them all of them their own way of beginning, their own way of ending, their own way of working, their own way of having loving inside them and loving come out from them, their own way of having anger inside them and letting their anger come out from inside them, their own way of eating, their own way of drinking, their own way of sleeping, their own way of doctoring. They have each one of them their own way of fighting, they have in them all of them their own way of having fear in them. They have all of them in them their own way of believing, their own way of being important inside them, their own way of showing to others around them the important feeling inside in them.
In all of them in all the things that are in them in their daily living, in all of them in all the things that are in them from their beginning to their ending, some of the things always in them are stronger in them than the other things too always in them. In all of them then there are always all these things in them, ways of being are in all of them, in some of the many millions of each kind of them some of the things in them are stronger in them than others of them in them.
In all of them then in all the things that are in them in their daily living, in all of them in all the things that are in them from their beginning to their ending,—in all of them then there are always all these things in them,—in some of the many millions of each kind of them some of the things are stronger in them than others of them.
There are then many kinds of men and many millions of each kind of them. In many men there is a mixture in them, there is in them the bottom nature in them of their kind of men the nature that makes their kind of thinking, their kind of eating, of drinking and of loving, their kind of beginning and ending, there is then in many men this bottom nature in them of their kind of men and there is mixed up in them the nature of other kinds of men, natures that are a bottom nature in other men and makes of such men that kind of man.
In many men there is a mixture in them, there is in them the bottom nature in them the nature of their kind of men and there is mixed up in each one of them the nature or natures of other kind of men, natures that are each one of them a bottom nature in some of the many millions that there are of men and make of such men that kind of man.
In all the things that are in all men in all of their living from their beginning to their ending there can be as the impulse of them the bottom nature in them, the mixture in them of other nature or natures with the bottom nature, the nature or other natures in them which in some men of the many millions of each kind of men never really mix up with the bottom nature in them. Some of the things all men have in them in their daily living have it to come, in more men, only from the bottom nature in them than other things in them. Nothing of all the things all men have in them in their daily living comes in all men from the bottom nature of them. Eating, drinking, loving, anger in them, beginning and ending in them, come more from many men from the bottom nature of most of them than other things in them but always there are some men of all the millions of each kind of them who have it in them not to have even eating and drinking and doctoring and loving and anger in them and beginning and ending in them come from the bottom nature of them.
David Hersland had a mixture in him. He had as I was saying a big beginning in him a feeling of himself to himself of being as big as all the world around him. As I was saying he had a big beginning feeling in him all through his living to his ending. As I was saying his wife knew it about him in her feeling. She did not have it as a conscious thing in her in him but she felt it about him even before his children felt it in him, how far the nature in him would carry him.
As I was saying, in ways of eating, in ways of drinking, in ways of loving, in ways of letting anger come out from them about little things in their daily living, in ways of sleeping, in ways of doctoring, there is more, in strong middle living, of simple repeating than in other things in the middle living of vigorous active men and women. At the beginning of the ending of the middle living of vigorous active men and women, ways of thinking, ways of working, ways of beginning, ways of ending, ways of believing come to be in them as simple repeating.
In all men as I have been saying there are their own ways of being, in them. In some men some of their ways of being that more and more in their later living settle down into simple repeating some of their ways of being come from the bottom nature of them. There are some men of all the millions always being made of men there are some men who have only in them a bottom nature to them. From such men, and in all the millions of every kind of men some of the millions of each kind of them are such a kind of men they have in them only a bottom nature to them, all their ways of being come in such men, some of the millions of each kind of men, come all from the nature that makes their kind of men that makes the kind of men that have all of them in them as bottom nature in them their way of thinking, of eating, of drinking, of sleeping, of loving, of having angry feeling in them, their way of beginning and of ending. Every man has in him his own way of feeling about it inside him about his ways of doing the things that make for him his daily living; that is the individual feeling in him, that is the feeling of being to himself inside him, that is in many the feeling of being important to themselves inside them, that is in some men a feeling of being important to every one around them, that is in some men a feeling of being as big as all the world around them.
David Hersland was of such a kind of men, men who have sometime in them a feeling of being as big as all the world around them. David Hersland had a mixture in him. He mostly came all together from the bottom nature in him but there was in him too a mixture in him, and this made him, in his later living, full up with impatient feeling. There was in him a mixture in him but with him it made a whole of him.
As I was saying some men have it in them to be made altogether of the bottom nature that makes their kind of men. Some have it in them to have other nature or natures in them, natures that are the bottom nature to make other kinds of men, and this nature or natures in them mixes up well with the bottom nature of them to make a whole of them as when things are cooked to make a whole dish that is together then. Some have other nature or natures only as a flavor to them, the bottom nature is mostly the whole of them, some have other nature or natures in them that never mix with the bottom nature in them and in such ones the impulse in them comes from the bottom nature or from the other natures separate from each other and from the bottom nature in them, in some of them there is in them so little of the bottom nature in them that mostly everything that comes out from inside them comes out from the other nature or natures in them not from the bottom nature in them. There are many things in every man in his living from his beginning to his ending. Some of the things in men have it in them to come more from the bottom nature of them than the other things in them but there are some men of the millions of every kind of men that have it in them to have almost nothing coming from the bottom nature of them. Some of the things in men have it to come from the bottom nature of men but there are some men of the many millions of every kind of men that have it in them to have nothing coming from the bottom nature of them. Some of the things in men have it in them to come more from the bottom nature of them, some of the things in men have it in them to come in more men not from the bottom nature of them. Some of the things in men have it in them to come more from the bottom nature of them but there are some men of the many millions of every kind of men that have it in them to have almost nothing coming from the bottom nature of them. There is from this on every kind of mixing in men. There is from that every kind of mixing and every kind of keeping separate of the natures in men; in some of the millions of every kind of men there is almost nothing in them in their living of the bottom nature of them, from that there is every kind of keeping separate and every kind of mixing of the natures in men to those millions of every kind of men who have in them only the bottom nature of their kind of men and have almost nothing in them of other kind of nature or natures in them. There is in men every kind of mixing and every kind of keeping separate of the natures in them. There are men who have nothing in them in their living of the bottom nature of them that makes their kind of men, there are men who have in them nothing of any nature in them excepting the bottom nature of them. There is from that every kind of mixing and every kind of keeping separate of the natures in men, from some men some of the millions of every kind of men with nothing in them in their living of the bottom nature of them to those millions of every kind of men who have in them only the bottom nature of their kind of men and have almost nothing in them of other kinds of nature or natures in them.
As I was saying men have in them their individual feeling in their way of feeling it in them about themselves to themselves inside them about the ways of being they have in them. Some have almost nothing of such a feeling in them, some have it a little in them, some have it in them always as a conscious feeling, some have it as a feeling of themselves inside them, some have it as a feeling of themselves inside them as important to them, some have it as a feeling of being important to themselves inside them as being always in them, some have it as being important to the others around them, some have it as being inside them that there is nothing existing except their kind of living, some have it that they feel themselves inside them as big as all the world around them, some have it that they are themselves the only important existing in the world then and in some of them for forever in them—these have in them the complete thing of being important to themselves inside them. As I was saying in his middle living a man is more simple in his repeating of it in him of his ways of eating, ways of drinking, ways of doctoring, ways of loving, ways of sleeping, ways of walking, ways of having anger inside him than in his ways of having other things in him. A man in his middle living has in him already then simple repeating. It comes then that in his daily living often his wife has it earlier in her feeling how far the nature in him will carry him than anybody around him, not in her conscious feeling, not when she is talking about him, but in her feeling in her living with him. David Hersland in his daily living had many things in him. He had his own way of loving. The way a man has of thinking, his way of beginning and his way of ending in most of the millions of every kind of men comes more from the bottom nature in him from the way of loving he has in him and that makes his kind of man, other natures are mixed up in him, but mostly his way of loving goes with his way of thinking goes with the kind of practical nature he has in him, goes with his way of working, comes from the bottom nature in him.
Some men have it in them in their loving to be attacking, some have it in them to let things sink into them, some let themselves wallow in their feeling and get strength in them from the wallowing they have in loving, some in loving are melting—strength passes out from them, some in their loving are worn out with the nervous desire in them, some have it as a dissipation in them, some have it as excitement in them, some have it as a clean attacking, some have it in them as a daily living—some as they have eating in them, some as they have drinking, some as they have sleeping in them, some have it in them as believing, some have it as a simple beginning feeling—some have it as the ending always of them such of them are always old men in their loving.
Men and women have in them many ways of living,—their ways of eating, their ways of drinking, their ways of thinking, their ways of working, their way of sleeping, in most men and many women go with the way of loving, come from the bottom nature in them.
Many as I was saying have not anything not their way of loving not their way of thinking coming from the bottom nature in them but coming from other nature or natures in them natures that are to other men and women bottom nature in them and make of them that kind of men and women. Many men and many women have their way of loving and their way of thinking and their way of working come from the mixture in them of other nature or natures with the bottom nature in them. There are many kinds of men and there are many kinds of women and some of the millions of each kind of them have it to be made only of the bottom nature of their kind of them, some have it in them to be made of more or less mixing inside them of another nature or of other kinds of nature with the bottom nature of them, some of them have it in them to have the loving feeling in them with their ways of thinking coming from the other kind of nature or other kind of natures in them not from the bottom nature in them.
Mr. David Hersland had a mixture in him. His wife was in him in his early middle living she was in him then as a tender feeling, when she was outside of him to him she was a little a joke to him, mostly she was not when outside him then important to him, later she was a little important to him because of the children and her resistance to him for them, then a little more and more then there changed in him a feeling of her being a joke to him to his brushing her away from around him, less and less then she was in him as a tender feeling, less and less then was she important to him.
In his earlier living when she first was a wife to him she was a little outside of him she could a little affect him she could a little resist herself to him, she was then in him a beginning as a tender feeling, she was then in him a little like a flower inside him, she was a little then outside him to him, she was then a little important to him as outside him, more and more then this came to be a joke to him, later then she came to be brushed away from around him.
David Hersland had a mixture in him. He was of the kind that have loving in them always in beginning and a little in getting strength from wallowing. In the beginning of his loving these two were mixed up in him and his wife was to him more than beginning more than a woman to him for his daily living she was a beautiful thing to him, she was an amusement to him, she was a pleasure to him to have resisting to him, she was a little in him as a tender feeling. More and more in his living loving was to him beginning until in his latest living he needed a woman to fill him, later when he was shrunk away from the outside of him he needed a woman with sympathetic diplomatic domineering to, entering into him, to fill him, he was then shrunk away from the outside of him he was not simple in attacking he was not really getting strength from wallowing, loving was more and more to him as a beginning feeling. Loving never came to be in him impatient feeling excepting when he felt his wife as outside of him, inside him in her early living she was a tender feeling in him, she was a gentle thing inside him, she was full up with children for him, outside him in his early living she was a pleasant resistance to him, she was a little a joke to him, she could a little manage him by resisting to him, then it came to be that a little more and more she was a tender feeling in him, a little, more and more, she was outside him, she was then more a joke to him when she was outside him for him, she was less and less important to him in her little resistance to him, more and more then she was no longer a tender feeling in him, more and more then she was in him as eating and sleeping when she was inside him, more and more then when she was outside him she was resisting for the children more and more then he brushed her away from around him for she was to him then only the children with no importance in her for him and his children more and more were stronger to do their own resisting were more and more important to be an irritation to him in his daily living could less and less be brushed away from before him by him. And so more and more it came to him that she was in him like his eating and sleeping, she was less and less in him as a tender feeling she was less and less important in him or to him as outside him, she was less and less a joke to him, she was less and less important to him as a resistance to him, she was less and less part of his children to him, and she more and more died away and left him and then she was not in any way important to him, he needed more beginning in his loving feeling to fill him than anything that she could give him, he mostly then forgot about her and that was the end of her living. Loving was always then in the ending of his middle living more and more in him a beginning feeling, he did not then get strength in him from wallowing in loving, he had not in him real attacking, he had in him in loving a beginning feeling, more and more he needed a woman inside him to fill him.
In his country house in his middle living he had in him in his daily living eating and sleeping and drinking and loving and impatient feeling and hearty laughing. He had his wife in the house with him and his children and servants and a governess and near him living in the small houses around the ten acre place where they were living in that part of Gossols where no other rich people were living he had, for him, poor people around him who all liked to have him as a neighbor to them. In his home living he had to him in him his feeling about ways of eating ways of doctoring ways of educating his children, he had in him his wife who was sometimes then in his middle living when his children were first beginning in them their individual feeling resisting to him, she was then still to him important for him, she was then still in him as a tender feeling, she was then still to him when she was outside him a pleasant joke to him, she could then still a little affect him by resisting to him. She was then in her strongest feeling of being important to herself inside her to her feeling, she was then in the strongest living with a man to be a husband to her in the rich way that was the natural way of being to her feeling, with her children still inside her to her feeling, with servants and a governess and a seamstress in the house with her in her daily living and she was of their daily living but above them in her right feeling of rich living, with around her the for her poor queer people near her, with the occasional visiting from rich people who did not live near her to disturb her from the life around her where she was cut off from the right rich living that was the natural way of being for her, and which made in her her feeling of being important to herself inside her and so then in her middle living she had in her the feeling stronger in her than any of her family who had gone on living the life that was the natural way of living for her the feeling of being important to herself inside her. As I was saying men and women have many of them in them their individual feeling—their way of feeling it in them about themselves to themselves inside them about the ways of being they have in them. Some have almost nothing of such a feeling in them, some have it a little in them, some have it in them always as a conscious feeling, some have it as a feeling of themselves inside them, some have it as a feeling of themselves inside them as important to them, some have it as a feeling of being important to themselves inside them as being always in them, some have it as being important to the others around them, some have it as being inside them that there is nothing existing except their kind of living, some have it that they feel themselves inside them as big as all the world around them, some have it that they are themselves the only important existing in the world then and in some of them for forever in them—these have in them the complete thing of being important to themselves inside them. Some have it as a feeling of being important in them from things they are doing, from religion in them, from the way of living they have in them, from the clothes they have on them, from the way they have of eating, from the way they have of drinking, from the way they have of sleeping, some from the way loving comes out from them, some from the way anger comes out of them, some have a feeling of importance in them from the kind of living they have in them and the others around them have in them, there are many ways of having a feeling of one's self inside one, there are many ways of having an important feeling in one, there are some who have in them a feeling of importance inside but not a feeling of importance of themselves to themselves inside them then, there are some who have inside them an important feeling in them but not an individual feeling in them, there are many ways for men and women to have themselves inside to them and this is a history of some of them.
Mr. David Hersland had in him a feeling of being as big as all the world around him, he had in him a strong feeling of beginning, of fighting of brushing people away from around him, of hearty laughing, in his middle living of pleasant every day living in his country house living. He had an individual feeling in him but it was the whole of him and the world around that was him to him, he never had in him a splitting of himself to himself until his children in his later living when they were angry with him for the impatient feeling he had in him told him what they thought of him told him how he never came to the right end of fighting which is winning, told him how he went away from those in front of him when to himself he was brushing people away from around him. David Hersland had an individual feeling in him, it was being as big as all the world around him, it was being big in beginning. In the ending of his middle living his wife was not important to him, she did not give to him anything in him of individual feeling. In the ending of his middle living he got it more and more from his children, a little from the governess and servants in the house with him, a little from the people living near him. At the ending of his middle living his wife was not any longer important to him she no longer gave him to himself inside him individual feeling.
Some men have it in them in their loving to be attacking, some have it in them to let things sink into them, some let themselves wallow in their feeling and get strength in them from the wallowing they have in loving, some in love are melting—strength passes out of them, some in their loving are worn out with the nervous desire in them, some have it as a dissipation in them, some have it as clean attacking, some have it as a beginning feeling—some have such a feeling always in them, some have it as the ending always of them, some always are children in their loving grimy little dirt then fills them, some are boys in their loving all their living—in their loving reckless attacking is strong in them, some are always young men in their loving, some have it in them like regular middle age living in them, some are old men in loving and this is in them all through their living. There are many kinds of loving in men, more and more this will be a history of them, there are many ways for women to have loving in them this will come out more and more in the history of women as it is here to be written, there are many ways for men to have loving in them, there are many ways that loving comes out from them, there are many ways for women and for men to have loving in them, this is a history of some of them, sometime there will be a history of all of them. There are many kinds of men and many millions of each kind of them, there are many ways of loving that men have in them and their way of loving makes their kind of man, there are many ways of loving in men and having loving come out from them and this comes in many of them from the nature of them their bottom nature in them that makes their kind of men, sometimes from the bottom nature in them mixed with the other nature or natures in them natures that are the bottom nature, the way of having loving in them, of other kind of men. There are many ways of having loving in them in men, there are many ways of having loving in them in women, more and more there will be a history of them, sometime there will then be a history of all of them.
David Hersland in his loving was of his kind of man having loving as beginning in him having loving as getting strength from wallowing, he was of his kind of man but loving was not very strong in him. He was in his loving, of his kind of man, not very strong in loving. Loving was in him always as a part of daily living but was not so very strong in him, not so strong in him as in many millions of h is kind of men, there was more in him of being strong in beginning, of being to himself as big as all the world around him.
In his beginning family living his wife was in him as a tender feeling, she was a woman to him, she was a tender feeling inside him, she was a little a resistance to him and a little a joke to him, sometimes a leading for him for in her beginning with him she had a little a power to control him but always this was less and less in her for him.
David Hersland did not have it in him to be so strong in loving as many men of his kind of men have it in them. Many men of his kind of men have it in them to need the woman as a warm feeling inside them and she has always then a power in her over him; all men who have this nature in them the getting strength in wallowing as the bottom nature of them and with a beginning feeling too always then in them have it in them in their middle living to have a woman in them in their feeling as a warm thing in them, in some of them as a flower in them to their feeling; some have loving then more and some less in their living. In his later living David Hersland had more need of a woman in him but that was not to be as his wife was in him a tender feeling a live thing in him it was to fill him up where he had shrunk from the outside of him, it was another kind of woman he needed then, not a beautiful thing inside him to be in him as a tender feeling but a thing to be alive, domineering, diplomatic, moving, entering under his skin by feeling herself him managing him and important to him in her filling him where he was shrunk away from the outside of him.
In the beginning of his living his wife was to him a certain power for him, inside him a tender beautiful feeling in him, outside him a joke to him and a resisting thing to him in little things for the ways he had in him, always having children in her for him.
There are many ways of family living, there are many ways of being a man to a wife, to his children, and to the servants living in the house with him, of being the wife to her husband in her living, being to her children and to the servants and dependents of her daily living, and then the children and then the servants to all of them. Mr. Hersland had his way of feeling about Mrs. Hersland and that is clear now in his feeling from the beginning to the ending of his middle living and then she died away and left him. In the beginning of his middle living she was a little a joke to him in her resisting and she had a little power in him then for the children, later she a little woman was with weakening inside in her living was lost then among the father and the resisting children, she was a little thing then to them and lost among them and more and more then she was not important to them and then she died away and left them. In her feeling for the servants and governesses and seamstresses in her daily living she had more feeling of herself to herself inside her in her feeling than in any other part of her living. She was with them outside him to her husband then, not very important to him, sometimes with her ways with them then a little a joke to him but mostly she had her own way then and then sometimes in a blustering fashion he let her do her own way while to himself brushing her away from before him. In her living with the servants and governess and seamstress in her daily living she had a feeling of herself to herself inside her, this was more of an individual being in her than ever had been in her when she was leading with her own kind of people around her the right rich living which was the natural way of being to her. She never to herself was cut off from the living that was the natural way of living to her but in her daily living that living did not touch her, she had her daily living with only dependents around her, she was of them and above them and that gave to her her feeling of herself to herself inside her, cut off from the equal living that was the natural way of living for her.
Her children in their younger living were to her still inside her, later they never gave to her any feeling of being important to herself inside her, more and more they were too large around her, she could suffer but they were not important in her in her feeling of herself inside her. Being important to one's self inside one. Being lonesome inside one. Making the world small to one to lose from one the lonesome feeling a big world feeling can make inside any one who has not it in them to feel themselves as big as any world can be around them. Being important inside one in religion can help one loose from one the lonesome feeling a big world can give to one. There are many ways of losing the lonesome feeling a big world around can give to one. Many lose it before they know they have one, many all their lives keep their world small and so they never have in them such a lonesome feeling, some need religion in them to keep them from being lost inside them from having too much in them a lonesome feeling and a big world too big for them around them, some have in them a superior sense that makes the big world around them not strong enough to give then to them a lonesome feeling inside them, some have just a busy feeling in them and that keeps them from lonesome feeling in them, some never have it come to them that there is a big world around them, there are many who never have in them any such lonesome feeling inside them their living fills them they and their family and the people around them, but many in their living find it at some time in them that they have a lonesome feeling in them; almost all men and almost all women, and mostly all of them when they were children, have such a kind of lonesome feeling at some moment in their living. The important feeling of one's self to one inside one in one's living is to have in one then not anything of such a lonesome feeling. Sometimes in many women and some men it is not a lonesome feeling it is a weakening in them and somebody then takes care of them, in more women there is what might be a lonesome feeling as a weakening in them and then some one takes care of them or they die away then and so escape their lonesome feeling. Many women have it in them to float off into weakening, to lose themselves in religion and so escape from any lonesome feeling. Many women have it in them to feel that it never can happen to them the last end of trouble for them, they have in them the feeling that the world can never really be too much for them, this in many of them is religion in them, they are not important to themselves inside them, they are part of the important thing and in that they can never have the last end of evil coming to them, there are many women who have in them not an important feeling of themselves to themselves inside them but they have in them the sense that the last end of a bad thing cannot destroy them, some one will take care of them, something will save them, despair can never really fill them, they can never have in them the complete sense of a lonesome feeling in them; it is like the feeling Mrs. Hersland had in her in her feeling that she was never really cut off from good rich right living which was the natural way of being to her, the for her natural way of living.
Mrs. Hersland had in her different ways of having herself inside her, of having important feeling in her. A feeling of herself inside her would never have come to be in her if she had gone on living in the way that was natural for her. Being important to herself inside her first came to be a little in her from the knowing Sophie Shilling and her sister Pauline Shilling and the mother Mrs. Shilling, later it came to be stronger in her from the living with the governesses and seamstresses and servants and dependents and being with them but above them all the time every moment of her living, not cut off to her feeling but really cut off in her living from the rich living that was for her the natural way of being.
Many women have in them the way of feeling that makes it for them that the last end of a bad thing cannot come to them, the last end of losing cannot come to them, the last end of trouble cannot destroy them; many of such of them have not it in them to have an important feeling of themselves to themselves inside them, they have a feeling that they are a part of important being and the last end of a bad thing cannot destroy them, despair never can fill them, somehow something some one will then take care of them, the last end of a bad thing can never to the feeling of such ones ever come to really destroy them. Many of such ones have weakening in them and some one then takes care of them or else they die away and they never know it inside them that the last end of a bad thing has destroyed them, to themselves then in dying despair does not fill them, something to the last moment of their living something someone to such of them then in the last moments of their living will take care of them, but they are weakening and they are dead then but they have not had the lonesome feeling, despair has not ever been really inside them. Many have in them such a feeling, many have it in them as a religion. Many women who have never in them a really lonesome feeling have not it in them the thing that keeps it out of them as weakening they have it in them as resisting, they have it in them as superior feeling, they have it in them as going on always in living, as managing everything that can touch them, as being busy every moment with something, despair can never fill such of them, they never have in them a really lonesome feeling.
There are many ways then for many women not to have in them ever in their living anything of a really lonesome feeling inside them. There are then many ways of not having room in them for such a lonesome feeling, there are many ways of losing it out of them when it is a little in them, there are many ways of having such a lonesome feeling, there are some ways of having such a lonesome feeling always inside in one.
Mrs. Hersland had in her then in her middle living a real feeling of being important to herself inside her in her feeling. If she had gone on in the living that was the natural way of being for her this never would have come to be real inside her, this would have been in her a real important feeling from the living that was natural to her but never a really important feeling of herself to herself inside her. She always would have had in her a feeling inside her that in her mother came out in the dreary trickling that was, almost all her later living, all that was of her. A little of such a feeling there would have always been in the daughter if she had gone on living the life that was the natural way of living for her but such a feeling would never come to be in her as it never came to be in her mother a feeling of herself to herself inside her, a feeling of herself to herself as important inside her. Some of her sisters and one brother had a little of the important feeling of the father, he had had a being that in any kind of living would have given a feeling of himself to himself as a religion. Mrs. Hersland had not in her any such a thing inside her, she had in her only the feeling that gave to her mother the dreary trickling that made all her, this in the daughter never had in it sadness and sorrow inside her it was in her a gentle pleasant timid sometimes an angry sometimes hurt feeling in her, in the living that was not the natural way of living for her it came to be inside her a feeling of herself to herself as important in her.
She had then in her, in her middle living it was strongest inside her, a feeling of herself to herself inside her. Once this came to be in her almost a lonesome feeling inside her but it really was not real enough in her, it did not come enough of itself from inside her, it never came to be altogether really a lonesome feeling in her.
There are very many ways for women to have loving in them, some have loving in them for any one or anything that needs them, some have loving in them from the need in them for some other one or for something they see around them, some have a mixture in them. There are some who have really not any loving in them. The kinds of loving women have in them and the way it comes out from them makes for them the bottom nature in them, makes them their kind of women and there are always many millions made of each kind of them.
Mrs. Hersland like almost all women had different things in her for loving. For her her children when they were little things around her it was not to her that they had need of her they were to her a part of her as if they were inside her, as they grew bigger and had their individual living in the house with her as they did not then need her to fight out their daily living with their father they did not feel any importance in her, they were for her then no longer a part of her, she had then weakening in her, she was a little thing then and they were so large around her, they were then struggling with themselves and with their living and with their father, she was weakening then and more and more they were not a part of her, she had not loved them because they had need of her, they were a part of her, then they were all struggling around her, she was a little thing then with weakening in her, more and more then they forgot about her, they were all struggling then around her, they were all of them having in them their individual living, they were all big then and she was a little gentle thing and lost among them and then she died away and left them. For her then with her children she was not of them who love those who have need of them nor of those who love any one near them because they have need of them. Some women have it in them to have children as part of them as if they were part of their own body all the time of their living. Such never have in them an important feeling of themselves inside them from the children that have come out of them, some of such of them can have it in them an important feeling from their children as it makes of them a larger thing being all one themselves and their children. Mrs. Hersland was of such of them of those who have in them not any important feeling of themselves inside them from their children. She was of such of them, the important feeling she had in her living came a little from her husband and more from the governesses and servants and dependents living in the house with them. She could not have in her a feeling of herself inside her from the children around her, they were to her like rich right living, they were a natural part of her, they could never give to her a feeling of herself to herself as important inside her. They were to her of her as her family living in Bridgepoint had been of her, important to her because they were her they were never cut off from her as she was never to her cut off from her the way of living that was the natural way of living for her.
Some women have it in them to love others because they need them, many of such ones subdue the ones they need for loving, they subdue them and they own them; some women have it in them to love only those who need them; some women have it in them only to have power when others love them, others loving them gives to them strength in domination as their needing those who love them keeps them from subduing others before those others love them. This will come clearer when this kind of women comes into this history of many kinds of men and women.
Mrs. Hersland was not of these two kinds then, she had a gentle little bounty in her, she had a sense in her of superior strength in her from the way of living that was the natural way of being to her, she had a larger being from the children who were always to her a part of her. She had in her a little power from the beauty feeling she had for her husband in his living with her; she was for him then a tender feeling in him, she was for him then a pleasant little joke to him resisting to him, she was to him a woman for his using as she was to herself part of her children, that was the simple sense in her that never gave to her a sense of being important to herself inside her.
As I said once about her she had it a very little in her to have a very little sense of herself to herself inside her from a little power she felt in her with her husband when he first married her. She had then in her a little resistance of herself inside to him then, she was not yet then a joke to him when she had this little resistance in her, this little resistance of herself in herself in their early living together. More and more then it came to be to him a joke for him, more and more then her resistance to him was not of herself in herself to him, it was for the children and that was not a straight feeling of herself in herself inside her resisting, that was not to herself a resisting, that was getting something from him for the children, this never was in her an important feeling, always up to the last end of her weakening there was a little left over in her of her resisting to him the feeling of herself inside her, that never had anything to do with the children not when they were young and she was resisting so that they could have what she felt they should have in their living not when they were older and doing their own resisting and when they were all big, then, and she was lost among them. She never for her children had inside her any important feeling, she had when managing for a servant or a seamstress or a governess an important feeling, she had when a little resisting to her husband in their early living an important feeling. This little resisting in her in their early living together was the first faint beginning of herself to herself inside her the first beginning in her of herself inside her as an important feeling in her, this never went quite out of her even when she was weakening and had such a feeling very little in her, always it was there as a feeling left over, she always to her dying had it a little in her. The kinds of feeling women have in them and the ways it comes out from them makes for them the bottom nature in them, gives to them their kind of thinking, makes the character they have all their living in them, makes them their kind of women and there are always many millions made of each kind of them.
Some women have it in them to love others because they need them, because these somehow are important to them because somehow these they have for loving belong to them, many of such of them subdue the ones they need for loving they subdue them and they own them; some of them who have it to be of this kind of women have it in them to be almost of no importance to those they have around them in their living, to have the children belong to them as a part of them inside them, these are of the kind of them who always own their children who subdue those they need in living but these of this kind of women have it to have this that is them very lightly in them and Mrs. Hersland was of such a kind of them, these have it in them to be it so gently in them that it never comes out in them, with some it comes out a very little in them, with some it comes out sometime in their living, these then have it to be so timidly in them that their children are only a part of them it is with such of them only in such a way that they can ever own them, some of such a kind of them have it all so peaceably inside them that they have not in them the feeling of being themselves inside them, it takes some one around them to need them to be owned by them, to make such a kind of one own them, to make them feel it inside them that they are themselves inside them, to give to them anything of an important feeling. There are then this kind of women and many of them are very dependent all through their living but a little in them is an independent feeling and this comes out in them when there is any one around them who makes them own them, they have it in them then a feeling of themselves inside them, they need to have around them to have in them such a feeling of themselves inside them, they need some who make them own them and to such a one they are important any moment in their living. Mrs. Hersland had a very little such a feeling with her husband when she was first married to him, she had it in her when she was a little resisting to him; she never would have had much more in her if she had gone on living the life that was for her the natural way of being, she had it a little more in her feeling with the Shilling family in her hotel living, it came to be strongest in her living with a governess and a seamstress and servants in the house with her and to her, poor people around her, with always inside her country house feeling of right rich living, with nothing in her daily living being of such a living which was the natural way of living for her. She had it then in her to feel herself inside her and it was then strongest in her and came out in her with the governess Madeleine Wyman who was for her the one who in all her living was the one whom she had power over, not as part of her as her children were to her, but as outside of her. She fought with the family of Madeleine Wyman for her, she had a feeling then of herself inside her.
There are then two kinds of women, those who have dependent independence in them, those who have in them independent dependence inside them; the ones of the first of them always somehow own the ones they need to love them, the second kind of them have it in them to love only those who need them, such of them have it in them to have power in them over others only when these others have begun already a little to love them, others loving them give to such of them strength in domination. There are then these two ways of loving there are these two ways of being when women have loving in them, as a bottom nature to them, there are then many kinds of mixing, there are many kinds of each kind of them, some women have it in them to have a bottom nature in them of one of these two kinds of loving and then this is mixed up in them with the other kind of loving as another nature in them but all this will come clear in the history of all kinds of women and some kinds of men as it will now be written of them.
Mrs. Hersland then was one of the one kind of them, of the first kind of them. In the Hersland family living during the middle part of the family living, when the children were beginning to have in them their individual living, when Mrs. Hersland was beginning to have strongest inside her her own important feeling, when Mr. Hersland was strongest in beginning and making his great fortune, during this middle portion of their family living they had three governesses in the years of living before the children were grown too big to have any need of such a person around them and each one of them was of another kind of woman and this will be a history of each one of them. There were many other women in their living, some of one some of another kind, some with mixtures in them, some were cooks and some were seamstresses around them, some were dependents in the house with them, some lived in little houses near them in that part of Gossols where no other rich people were living, and some were of the family or friends of some of such ones of them and this will be a history of all of them. There are many kinds of women then and many kinds of men and this then will be a history of some of the many kinds of them.
Many women have at some time resisting in them. Some have resisting in them as a feeling of themselves inside them. In some kinds of women resisting is not a feeling of themselves to themselves inside them. In some kinds of women resisting can only come from such a feeling. This makes two different kinds of women and mostly all women can be divided so between them. Patient women need to have in them such a feeling to be resisting, they need to have in them a feeling of themselves inside them to be really resisting to any one who owns them. Attacking women with weakness as the bottom of them have not it in them to need such a feeling for resisting, resisting is natural to them, it covers up in them the weakness of them. Concentrated women with not any weakness at the bottom in them do not need to have in them such a feeling, these are made up of resisting, concentration with them makes the whole of them makes for them the strength such a feeling as themselves inside them gives to patient ones to make resisting possible for them, attacking feeling gives it to others who really have weakness in them as the bottom of them. Such concentrated women have never in them any such resisting in them, yielding is the whole of such ones of them. This needs very much explaining, this makes a history of every kind of woman, this is a history of only a few kinds of them.
Many women then have resisting in them, many women have attacking in them, many women who have resisting and attacking in them have weakness as the bottom of them, some have not any such weakness at the bottom of them. These last mostly have much concentration of themselves inside them. Some women have not any attacking or resisting in them, some of such of them can have it in them when they have come into them a feeling of themselves inside them, some never have in them anything of such a feeling. Many women then have resisting at some time in them. Many women have religion in them, there are many kinds of women and each kind of them has it in those of them that have religion in them to have it of the character of them, mostly it is in them like the bottom nature that makes their kind of them that makes their kind of loving, their kind of resisting, if they have resisting in them, their kind of religion.
Mrs. Hersland never had her religion to be in her like his in her father, a thing to give to her a feeling of herself inside her, religion with her went with what would happen in her daily living for her, was in her not anything of resistance inside her, was simply a part of the gentle feeling in her like her children inside her, like the rich right living that was the natural way of living for her. As I was saying many women have it in them to feel it inside them that the last end of a bad thing cannot come to them, that the last evil thing will not destroy them; this is a common feeling with women who have in them resisting or attacking as the natural thing in them with a weakness at the bottom of them, these women have not in them a superior feeling, they have it in them that no last bad thing can overwhelm them that is to their resisting and at the same time the weakness of them gives to them the feeling that something some one will take care of them. This is in many of them a religion in them.
Mrs. Hersland was not such a one a last end of a bad thing could win and she would be hurt not angry when it had happened to them, she could be angry when she had a feeling of being herself inside her and so could then have resisting in her but this could never be in her in any real trouble or sorrow that came to her or to the children who were a part of her, then there was no important feeling of herself inside her, then there was no resisting in her, then she had a resignation to the pain that killed her, that was all the religion she had in her. Her mother had had always such a trickling sadness in her, this was all of her, this was all religion to her. Her father had had a feeling of himself inside him to make religion for him, he was all to himself always inside him he was the complete thing of such resisting, it was in him all religion, all religion was him he had it so all inside him. Mrs. Hersland had it then a little in her to have resisting in her, a feeling of herself inside her, she could then have anger in her but this could never be in her in any real trouble or sorrow that came to her or to the children who were a part of her, then there was no important feeling of herself inside her, then there was no resisting in her, then she had a resignation to the pain that killed her, that was all the religion she had in her.
As I was saying women who have resisting or attacking with weakness as the bottom of them never believe that the last end of a bad thing can come to them, that anything can really drown them, they have aggressive optimism in them, some of them then have aggressive optimism in them they have mostly all of them in some way religion in them, some have almost not any bottom weakness in them, some are all weakness inside them they have almost no attacking in them, sometimes with such of them their weakness makes them resisting, later this will be a history of several of all these kinds of them.
Some women have it in them to subdue those they need in loving. Madeleine Wyman the last governess was one of such of them and this will be a history of her living, with the Hersland family, with the mother, the father and the children.
The Herslands had a governess, a seamstress and servants living in the house with them. Mostly the Hersland children in their younger living were more entirely of them, the poorer people who lived around them, than they were of their home living. This was true of them, all through their younger living, all through the time they had governesses around them, their mother and their governesses never really knew it about them.
To begin then with beginning of the living of the Hersland family in the ten acre place in that part of Gossols where no other rich people were living.
There was then Mr. Hersland in the middle of his middle living, Mrs. Hersland in the beginning of the strongest time of being to herself inside her in her feeling, the three children in the first beginning in them of individual feeling. There were then the servants living in the house with them, a governess and near them in the small houses around them poor, for them, queer people to make for them their daily living.
They had foreign women as servants in the house with them when they could get them. Sometimes they could not get them They had three governesses in their whole living in Gossols before the children grew too old to have one. One was a foreign born, two were American. The seamstresses were always foreign American, sometimes it was the family near them, sometimes it was one in the part of Gossols where rich people mostly were living, and then there was another one not near them but who would come sometimes and stay in the house with them. Mrs. Hersland with all of them had her important feeling, she had it in getting them, in keeping them, and whenever she had to get rid of one of them. She had always in her with them an important feeling, sometimes she had an angry feeling with them, sometimes a resisting feeling, she never let any interfering come between her and her acting toward them, she was always of them and above them, she had all of her feeling of herself to herself from them.
Many women have a feeling of themselves inside them from servants around them. There are many ways of having such a feeling in them. This is a long history of one of them. Many servants get to have in them something that is almost a craziness in them, many have a very lonesome feeling in them not a lonesome feeling of themselves inside them just a lonesome feeling that makes queer, sometimes a little crazy women of them. This is in many of them. The Irishwoman and one of the Italian women had this a little in them. This makes them good fun for children living in the house with them. The children tease them, they are good to children around them, they always have to be sent away all of a sudden. The Irishwoman and one of the Italians was of this kind of women. The other servants were always steady women, each with their own way of being in them and this is now a history of all of them. This is a history of them and the seamstresses and the governesses and any troubles any one of them had with the others living in the house with them. This is a history of all of them and of the kind of important feeling Mrs. Hersland had in her from all of them and of the feelings the children each one had for each one of them and the relation each one had to Mr. Hersland.
Mrs. Hersland then was of the kind of women who have resisting in them only with a feeling of themselves inside them, Mrs. Hersland was of the kind of women who have dependent independence in them, Mrs. Hersland was of the kind of women, though she had this to be in her so timidly inside her so gently within her that mostly nobody ever knew it to themselves about her, she had it in her to be of the kind of women to own those they need for loving, to subdue any one who needs them to be important to them. She was then of them who have it in them not to have weakness as the last bottom of them, not to have it in them that the last end of a bad thing cannot come to them, she could have an ending, she could feel this in her dying, she could feel it in her weakening, she could feel it in her children when they were big and struggling and she a gentle little woman was lost among them, she never had in her an important feeling from her children, she had it in the living in Gossols in that part where no other rich people were living.
There are then two kinds of women, there are those who have in them resisting and attacking, and a bottom weakness in them, women with independent dependence in them, women who are strong in attacking, women who sometimes have not bottom weakness in them, some who have in them bottom weakness in them and this inside is a strength in them when they have children when they have strong loving in them when it is in them in such of them a fine sensitive weakness inside them, there are then such ones of them women who need others around to love them before they have any power in them from the weakness in them, in such of them attacking is a power in them but not when they meet with real resisting, the bottom weakness in them is only a power in them when those around them love them, so only can these have any power in them; all these then all these women have not it in them mostly to believe that it never can come to them the last end of a bad thing to destroy them. All these then make one kind of the two kinds there are of women, the two kinds too there are then of men, and there are many kinds of such of them many strengths in them of this strength and weakness in them, many mixtures in them of the independence and dependence in them, many mixings and sometimes a mixing in the top of them with the other kind of nature of some men and women the dependent independent kind in men and women but more or less it is in them in all of this one kind of them it is in them to have independent dependence in them, it is in them to have attacking in them, to have aggressive optimism in them, to not believe the last end of a bad thing can come to them and destroy them, and then to have weakness as the bottom of them; and in many of them this weakness is all there is to them, in some of them attacking is all there is of them.
The other kind of women and there are many kinds of such of them in the many millions always of women, this other kind of them need to own the people around them when this nature is strong in them; they have many of them, a dependent patient way of living, but with the dependent nature in them they have never such of them, a feeling of themselves inside them, this comes out in them only with the bottom independence in them, when they feel themselves resisting, when it comes to them to own themselves inside them, when they own some one around them, some of such of them never have such a moment in their living, some of such of them never feel themselves inside them; there are then always many women living, there are then these two kinds of them, this is now a history of some of each kind of them, sometime there will be a history of all of each kind of them and that will then be a history of all women who are living, of all the many millions who ever were or will be living and then there will begin a history of all the men and the two kinds of them for there are in men the same two kinds of them like with women and it works out differently a little in them for they are men and have themselves mostly more inside them in their living, there are then these two kinds in women and in men and always every one is of one kind or the other kind of them.
In their middle living in that part of Gossols where no other rich people were living the Hersland family had with them only women in the house with them. As I was saying servants often have it in them to be a little queer and children like to tease them, they have this queerness from cooking, from cleaning and from their lonesome living, from their sitting in the kitchen, from having a mistress to direct them, and children to tease them; the Irishwoman and one of the Italian women that were cooking once for the Hersland family in their middle living had this queerness in them. They had had then mostly in their living German women as servants in the house with them, sometimes they could not get them, once they had an Irishwoman, twice Italian women, once a Mexican. The Irish woman and one of the Italian women had a little queerness in them, the queerness that comes from being a servant and cooking and sitting alone in a kitchen and having a mistress to direct them and sometimes children to tease them, these had to be sent away all of a sudden. Mostly the German women were very steady women, they did not have anything of such a queerness in them, sometimes the German girls they had with them were very young women and then Mrs. Hersland had to train them, some of such of them had natures in them that in their later living would come, from much kitchen sitting, from much directing of the mistress of the house to them, from much teasing from the children in the house with them, would come to make of them a queerness inside them that would make it come to them in their later living to be always sent away all of a sudden. In the early living of such ones they would not be sent away all of a sudden but the mistress of such ones would not then be sorry to lose them.
There were then as I was saying, when Mrs. Hersland could get them foreign servants in the house with them, there was always a governess in the house with them, there was often a seamstress staying in the house with them. There was always a man working in the garden but he never lived in the house with them.
As I was saying in most of their living they had German servants, but sometimes they could not get them, once they had an Irish woman cooking for them, twice Italian women and once a Mexican. The German servants who lived with them mostly stayed a long time with them even those of them that were not altogether satisfying because until Mrs. Hersland had an angry feeling about some one she would never dismiss any one and angry feeling did not come to be in her very often. So mostly the servants stayed a long time with them, not those of them that had servant queerness in them, Mrs. Hersland never liked such a one, she wanted her servants so that she was of them and above them, she did not want them to have the kind of queerness in them that made strange beings of them, that always in a way made her afraid of them, servants were to Mrs. Hersland part of every day living, she never wanted them to have servant queerness in them, she was more then of them though always she was above them and she could come to have with such of them rightly an angry feeling. Sometimes she would have young foreign girls or foreign American ones and she would train them, some of such of them would in their later living have servant queerness in them, mostly Mrs. Hersland did not keep such ones a long time, mostly she liked to have older women she felt herself more of them than with the young ones who needed to have her train them. She liked it better to have women who only needed directing and once in a while she would tell such a one how to cook something and with such of them she could feel of them and above them, she could with such ones have an injured feeling when they did something that was not right to her feeling, she could have with such a one rightly an angry feeling. She did not then like to have any one with servant queerness in them, she did not know it in herself that she did not like to have young girls to train but always these would soon be leaving, once one stayed on and on and Mrs. Hersland did not have with her rightly an angry feeling. She stayed on a long time until at last some one told about her that she was asking some one else to take her, that gave to Mrs. Hersland the injury that made it right for her to have an angry feeling in her and so at last she could dismiss her. This is the history of her. She was a blond little woman and with no feeling of cooking, or keeping anything clean in her, she always did what anybody told her, she had no sense of responsibility inside her, she had it in her to have lying in her that just came out of her whenever any one asked her, she had little curls in her blond hair, mostly every one thought her an ugly blond little servant, really she had a kind of little servant girl beauty in her. This is a history of her. She had not a servant nature in her but a servant girl nature in her that is the little dirty little girl character in her, the little dirty shrinking lying blond hair nature in her, not a woman nature in her. This was strong in her, in all the millions made just like her this is always stronger or weaker, this is the servant girl nature and there are always many millions made just like her.
Servant girl being is a kind of being that many millions of many kinds of women always have in them. Servant girl being in such of them is different from just servant being in other kinds of men and women. Servant girl being that is something of dirty or clean little girl being with the scared little lying always in such a one when there is much in their living and there always is in such ones of them for they need it to keep them going, to keep them cleaning, to keep them washing and working, to keep them from lying, much directing from the mistress living in the house with them, much teasing from children living in the house with them, much trouble with their loving so that nobody stops them when they go to their loving, much sitting in the kitchen with their hands so grimy nothing can clean them. Mostly such ones do not in their later living have servant queerness in them, they just get married most of them and just get old being that kind of them with many children always coming out of them and so they go on to their ending. Women who in all their living have this servant girl being in them are like in all women and always it is in all men and in all women that they have in them one of the two kinds of nature in them that is independent dependent or dependent independent nature in them. Servant girl nature in women then can be the independent dependent kind then with mostly only the dependent weakness in them with a scared dirty little girl crying and lying in them, mostly with nothing in them but the dependent scared weakness in them and no responsibility in them of being ever inside them and always a little in them and it mostly comes out in little tricks they have in them, little or much badness in them, a little of the attacking independent dependents always have in them. This is mostly in their living, in bad ones it can even come to stealing, mostly it is lying and finding ways to win to a ribbon, to moments in loving. Mostly when you catch hold of such a one by the arm to stop them there is not yielding, there is scared shrinking, there is lying, sometimes they do very good thinking, mostly in their later living a good many children come out from them, mostly they keep on working but always somebody is scolding them and this is a history of most of them. As I was saying women with servant girl being inside them, not servant being that is a different kind of being that has not the grimy scared little girl lying as the bottom of them, such then have it in them to be of one kind or the other kind of them the independent dependent or the dependent independent kind of them. There is one kind of them who have a little attacking in them the independent dependent kind; in them that comes out in little tricks and little dirty lying in them sometimes in stealing and other badness in them, in moments of leaving by themselves all of a sudden from where they were working when they are sure they can do better then and then there is a little grimy defiance in them, this is all the attacking there is in them, this makes of them independent dependent creatures for them and there will be written down here a history soon of one of such of them. There are then many millions always made of such of them, with always a servant girl nature in them and the independent dependent kind of being in them, there are then always many millions of such ones of them and always everywhere in every kind of living one can find such of them. Mrs. Hersland had the training of such a one of them, Mrs. Hersland had rightly an angry feeling when this one tried to get another place with out telling any one she was leaving. Mrs. Hersland had rightly an angry feeling then, she sent her away and soon there will be told the history of this one. There are then in the women who have servant girl nature always in them, with every kind of way they can be living, with every kind of training that can come to them, there are always the two kinds of them the independent dependent kind of them and the dependent independent kind of them. Many of the independent dependent kind of them are pretty, scared young girls in their living, sacredness and lying, and shrinking, and a little attacking, and a little winning and prettiness and appealing are mixed up in many ways in them. Mostly in all of them these are always somehow somewhere in them, when they are working for their living, when they are young ladies in their living always there is some one always directing them, sometimes it is a mistress, a master, a mother or a father, a husband, some woman, or an aunt, a sister, or a man who is directing them. These things always are mixed up in them and more we will come to know all the history of all of them.
The dependent independent kind of women who have always in them the servant girl being in them have not in them anything of attacking, they have more weakness than shrinking in them, they have lying but it does not come out in little jerks out of them, it is never active in such a one, it is meekness and concealing in them; and there will be later a history of all of such kinds of them. Some women have it in them to be in all their living children, to have a childish nature in them all through their living. Some men have such a thing always in them, mostly men have it in them more than women to have in all their living a little childish nature in them. There are always then many millions of men and always some women who have always in them all through their living from their beginning to their ending child nature always in them. Some women have it in them all their living to have a grimy little girl nature in them, some have it in them to have a little girl sweet shrinking little lying nature always in them. All of such kind of them and there are always many millions made of them and they are in every place and in every kind of living, such have in them the nature that is in certain kinds of living servant girl nature and sometime there will be a history of every kind and every one of such of them. Some women have it in their living to have in them a being just before adolescent living, to have in them all through their living the fear of coming adolescence about beginning, in them, these always have it in them to be very lively so as to keep adolescence from giving sorrow to them, they are lively and they try all their living to keep up dancing so that adolescence will be scared away from them, these have not in them sentimental feeling, they have agressive liveliness in them. One can never be certain of this about them from their kind of living, they may be trying very exciting living, but in their walking they make a dance step not because they have it in them a lightsome feeling, they make it to keep in them a lively feeling, mostly they do not know it inside them that they do not want to have inside them the restlessness of adolescent living and so they keep up inside them always a lively feeling; they make a dance step every now and then in their walking. There are always many women who have it all through their living to have such a just before beginning adolescent being in them. There are some men who have in them all through their living such a nature in them. There are then many millions always being made of such ones of women, there are some millions always being made of such ones of men. Some women have all their living their school feeling in them, they never get through, from their beginning to their ending, with such feeling, such being, such living, it is in them and nothing can change them, they are always school girls in their being, some of them always are as school girls in their feeling, some of them always are as school girls in their living, some women have some of this in them all through their living from their beginning to their ending, some have only this in them it is always then all there is of them, there are many millions then who have in all their living more or less in them of such being. Some women have it in them and there are always many millions of them and they are to themselves like men in their living there are many women who are always vigorous young women energetic and getting information and busy every moment in their living and sometime there will be a history of many of such of them. Then there are many women, there are always many millions always everywhere of every kind of them, there are many women who have some kind of woman nature in them and always in the millions of all the kinds of them there is always in them one nature or the other nature in them, there is always some kind or every kind of mixture in them, sometime there will be a history of every one of every kind of them, sometime there will be a history of everyone who ever was or is or will be living, there must always sometime be a history of each one from their beginning to their ending, of every one who ever was or is or will be living. Sometime there will be a history of every woman, there will be sometime a history of every kind of them, there will be sometime a history of every part of the living of every woman from her beginning to her ending. This is now a history of some of them.
There are many kinds of women and several of several kinds of them were servants living in the house with the Hersland family and mostly those were older women but sometimes Mrs. Hersland was training a young one.
As I was saying Mrs. Hersland did not know she did not like to train young ones and mostly they did not stay long but once there was a little blond one who hung on. She never did any better in her cleaning or cooking than in the beginning, she always every minute needed directing, Mrs. Hersland never knew she did not like to do this directing, she never knew that she did not like it that with such a one she could not have rightly an injured or an angry feeling. At last she did have rightly an injured and an angry feeling and that was for all of them then the end of that one.
Soon there will be a history of every kind of men and every kind of women and every way any one can think about them. Soon then there will be a history of every man and every woman and every kind of being they ever have or could have in them. Sometime there will be a history of all of them, and now to begin again with the servant girl being and the servant being and the history of all of them who lived in the house with the Hersland family then when Mrs. Hersland was beginning to have in her strongest inside the feeling of being herself in her.
There were then many of them though mostly each one stayed a long time with them but in these years of the Hersland family's middle living with servants and seamstresses and governesses and dependents living in the house with them, there were in all many women that gave to Mrs. Hersland her important feeling.
There were then a few young girls who lived at some time in the house with them, some with servant girl nature in them, some with the one kind the independent dependent kind of nature in them, some with the other kind the dependent independent kind of nature in them. These as I was saying mostly did not stay long to get training, Mrs. Hersland never knew she did not want them, she never said she would not take them, after the one who stayed a long time and then gave to Mrs. Hersland a really angry feeling Mrs. Hersland never had one.
One of the foreign women, she was an older woman when she lived with them, she was such a one; she had servant girl being, she had the dependent independent servant girl being, she stayed sometime with the Hersland family as the cook for them, she had in her the servant girl being of the dependent independent kind all through her living, there will be a history of this one.
Some young women who had servant girl nature in them came to know the Hersland family in their middle living, not as servants to them, some as dependents on them, some as living in the small houses near them, one was in a way of them in their living she was of the family of one of the governesses and they came later the Hersland children all three of them to know many of such of them.
Soon then there will be a history of every kind of men and women and of all the mixtures in them, sometime there will be a history of every man and every woman who ever were or are or will be living and of the kind of nature in them and the way it comes out from them from their beginning to their ending, sometime then there will be a history of each one of them and of the many millions always being made just like them, there will be sometime a history of all of them, there will be a history of them and now there is here a beginning.
There are then many millions always being made of women who have in all their living always from their beginning to their ending servant girl nature in them. Some of such of them are pretty little girls and happy in their living, some of such of them have much trouble in their living. There are then always many millions, in all the ways of living women have made for them, there are always many millions who have always in them all through their living from their beginning to their ending this servant girl nature in them, there will be now such a history of some of such of them, there will be now a history of some of the kinds of them, there will be now a description of the two kinds of them, the two kinds that divide all the kinds of men and women and sometime there will be a history of all of such of them, women who have such a servant girl nature in them, all of such of them who ever were or are or will be living.
Sometime then there will be a history of all women and all men, of all the men and all the women, of every one of them, of the mixtures in them of the bottom nature and other natures in them, of themselves inside them, there will be then a history of all of them of all their being and how it comes out from them from their beginning to their ending. Sometime there will be then such a history of every one who ever was or is or will be living, and this is not for anybody's reading, this is to give to everybody in their living the last end to being, it makes it so of them real being, it makes for each one who ever is or was or can be living a real continuing and always as one looks more and more at each one, as one sees them walking, eating, sitting, sewing, working, sleeping, being babies, children, young grown men and women, grown up men and women, growing old men and women, old men and old women, as one sees them every moment in their being there must be sometime a history of them, there must be sometime a history of each one of them and of the nature or natures in them, of themselves to themselves in their living, of the nature or natures mixed up in them and the coming out of this being in them from them from their beginning to their ending. Sometime there will be a history of all of the kinds of them and of each one of all the millions of each kind of them. There are then always many millions being made of women who have in them servant girl nature always in them, there are always then there are always being made then many millions who have a little attacking and mostly scared dependent weakness in them, there are always being made then many millions of them who have a scared timid submission in them with a resisting somewhere sometime in them. There are always some then of the many millions of this first kind of them the independent dependent kind of them who never have it in them to have any such attacking in them, there are more of them of the many millions of this first kind of them, who have very little in them of the scared weakness in them, there are some of them who have in them such a weakness as meekness in them, some of them have this in them as gentle pretty young innocence inside them, there are all kinds of mixtures in them then in the many millions of this kind of them in the many kinds of living they have in them. In the second kind of them the dependent independent kind of them who have too all through their living servant girl nature in them, in this kind of them there are many of them who have a scared timid submission in them with a resisting sometime somewhere in them, there are many of them who have this submission as a patient meekness in them, they have not it in them many of such of them to ever choose their own way in living, to choose their own loving, to choose their own existing at any moment in their living, sometimes sometime some of such ones of them have resisting in them, sometimes this is in them a stubborn way they have in them, sometimes it is from too much directing of them and then they have resisting in them, sometimes from some one around them dependent on them, sometimes from feeling sometime in their living, feeling themselves inside them. There are many millions then of women who have always in them all their living this servant girl being inside them, always as it is in all men and women these are all of the one kind or the other kind of them of the independent dependent having attacking more or less sometime in them, of dependent independent who can have sometime resisting in them.
In all loving, in all the many millions always loving mostly there is one of them one of the two of them who is of the kind of them who have independent dependent nature in them, this one always in the two of them in loving does attacking in loving, sometimes it is in the man sometimes in the woman, and the other one then is of them who have dependent independent nature in them and these can have sometime more or less resisting in them, this makes the pair of them and this is always true in loving. This is not always clear in the beginning of a loving, sometimes it is the resisting that is in appearance like attacking, sometimes the attacking that has stubbornness or weakness in it like resisting but more and more in loving more and more in their living this nature in them comes out of them in the repeating that is in all real being. It is true then that always every one is of one kind or the other kind of them the independent dependent or the dependent independent kind of them. It is hard to tell it about them, to describe it how each one is of the kind of them that is in that one. It is hard to tell it about them because the same words can describe all of them the one and the other kind of them, they are very different the one from the other kind of them, more and more perhaps it will come out clearly about them. It is hard to describe it in them the kind of being each one has in them, it is hard to describe it in them it is hard to know it in them, it is only slowly the two kinds of them come to be clear to every one who listens to the repeating that comes out of them, who sees the repeating that is in them the repeating of the bottom nature of them. Sometimes resisting comes like attacking, sometimes attacking seems like resisting, slowly it comes out from each one the kind of nature in them. So then this makes always a pair of them and this is always true in successful loving and this will soon then be a history of every kind of loving and how it comes from every one the nature of them.
Mrs. Hersland had dependent independent being, she could sometime in her have resisting. This is now a history of her and the servants and governesses and dependents who had to do with her. Mr. Hersland had attacking in him, mostly he was in his feeling as big as all the world in all of his beginning and all of his living was beginning, he never knew it inside him until his children told it to him when they were angry with him when impatient feeling filled him, he never knew that he did not go on to the last end of fighting that he had in him such a weakness in him; this is now a history of him and of how the servants and the governesses and the dependents and his wife and children felt all these things in him.
All kinds of men and women have impatient feeling and sometime this will be a history of every kind of impatient feeling and of every kind of men and women who have impatient feeling. Now this is a history of servant living, of servants who have in them servant girl being, of servants who have in them servant being, of servants who have in them not any real servant being, of servants who have in them a mixing of some or all of these kinds of nature in them, of how it works out through them the two kinds of nature in all men and women the independent dependent and the dependent independent natures in all of them, this will be too a history of servant queerness and how it works in such of them as have this in them.
As I was saying Mrs. Hersland had mostly in her middle living in Gossols in that part where no other rich people were living older foreign or foreign American women as servants in the house with them. Sometimes she had a young one to train, Mrs. Hersland never knew it in her that she never really liked to do such training. They always then had German or German American older women as servants in the house with them, but sometimes Mrs. Hersland could not get any of them, once she had an Irish woman to do the cooking, twice Italian women and once a Mexican, the Irish woman had servant queerness in her and she left all of a sudden, one Italian woman had servant queerness in her and she had to be sent away quickly without any warning, Mrs. Hersland never liked to have queer people near her she wanted her servants to be of the same kind of nature that was natural to her in the living at Bridgepoint the good living that was natural to her, she needed a servant around her that she Mrs. Hersland in her feeling could be of her and above her, she never wanted any servant to have servant queerness in her.
Some time then there will be every kind of a history of every one who ever can or is or was or will be living. Some time then there wall be a history of every one from their beginning to their ending. Sometime then there will be a history of all of them, of every kind of them, of every one, of every bit of living they ever have in them, of them when there is never more than a beginning to them, of every kind of them, of every one when there is very little beginning and then there is an ending, there will then sometime be a history of every one there will be a history of everything that ever was or is or will be them, of everything that was or is or will be all of any one or all of all of them. Sometime then there will be a history of every one, of everything or anything that is all them or any part of them and sometime then there will be a history of how anything or everything comes out from every one, comes out from every one or any one from the beginning to the ending of the being in them. Sometime then there must be a history of every one who ever was or is or will be living. As one sees every one in their living, in their loving, sitting, eating, drinking, sleeping, walking, working, thinking, laughing, as any one sees all of them from their beginning to their ending, sees them when they are little babies or children or young grown men and women or growing older men and women or old men and women then one knows it in them that sometime there will be a history of all of them, that sometime all of them will have the last touch of being, a history of them can give to them, sometime then there will be a history of each one, of all the Kinds of them, of all the ways any one can know them, of all the ways each one is inside her or inside him, of all the ways anything of them comes out from them. Sometime then there will be a history of every one and so then every one will have in them the last touch of being a history of any one can give to them.
This is now a history of a number of men and women from their beginning to their ending; these will have then the last touch of being that a history of any one can give to them, sometime it will be that any one who ever was or is or will be living, sometime then it will be even if they have had only a very little of any living, sometime then it will be that every one will have the last touch of being, a history of them can give to them, sometime then in my feeling there will be a history of every kind of men and women, there will be a history of every one from the beginning to their ending, every one will have sometime before the ending the last touch of being a history of them can give to any one. So then we go on to our beginning of giving a history of every one from their beginning to their ending so that sometime there will be done a history of every one and every kind of one and all the nature in every one and all the ways it comes out of them. Every one then will be full then of the being a history of every one can give to them, every one of them will have that last touch of being a history of them can give to any one.
And so to commence again with the history of many of them and all the kinds there are of men and women.
Sometime then there will be a history of every one of every man and every woman from their beginning to their ending. Sometime there will be a history of every one and every kind of them and more and more then every one will understand it, how every one is connected with every one in the kind of being they have in them which makes of each one one of their kind of them. More and more then this will be a history of every kind and the way one kind is connected with the other kind of them and the many ways one can think of every kind of men and women as one more and more knows them as their nature is in them and comes out of them in the repeating that is more and more all of them.
There are then many kinds of them but all of them can be divided into the two kinds of them the independent dependent kind of them, the dependent independent kind of them, and more and more there will be a history of all of them so that more and more any one can see it in them. There are always then many kinds of men and women in these two kinds of them and sometime there will be a history of all of them.
To go on then now with the Hersland living in the ten acre place in that part of Gossols where no other rich people were living.
As I was saying Mrs. Hersland had mostly in her middle living in Gossols in that part where no other rich people were living, older foreign or foreign American women as servants in the house with them. Sometimes she had a young one to train, Mrs. Hersland never knew it in her that she never really liked to do such training, they always then had foreign or foreign American older women as servants in the house with them, but sometimes Mrs. Hersland could not get any of them, once she had an Irish woman to do the cooking, twice Italian women, and once a Mexican; the Irish woman had servant queerness in her and she left all of a sudden, one Italian woman had servant queerness in her and she had to be sent away quickly without any warning, Mrs. Hersland never liked to have queer people near her she wanted her servants to be of the same kind of being as that which was natural to her in the living at Bridgepoint the good rich living that was natural to her, she needed a servant to be around her so that Mrs. Hersland in her feeling could be of her and above her, she never wanted any servant to have servant queerness in her.
There were then not very many young women whom the Hersland family had as servants in the house with them. Mrs. Hersland never knew it in her that she did not like to do such training, no one of them excepting a little blond one ever stayed a long time with them. Mr. Hersland never knew that he had any feeling about such a kind of them but they were a little an annoyance to him. The Hersland family had many such young girls with servant girl nature in them around them from the houses near them, from the families of governesses or others living in the house with them, and so the Hersland children knew in their early living enough of such of them. As I was saying Mrs. Hersland never knew it that she did not like to do such training, after the one who gave to her after a long time a right reason for having in her rightly an injured and an angry feeling, she never had any such a one as a servant in the house with them.
As I was saying, more and more as one in passing looks at every one more and more then there comes to one the certain feeling that sometime there will be a history of every one, of all the kinds there are every one of men and women. Always as one looks at them as one lives on in the daily living that gives to one the feeling that in all real being there is always on and on repeating that comes out more and more and more in everybody's living, always then more and more one has in them the certain feeling that sometime there will be a history of every one, that sometime every one will have in them the last touch of being a history gives to every one. So then sometime there will be a history of every one and of every kind of men and women and of every kind of nature in any one of them and every kind of mixing there can ever be in any one and the way the nature in each one comes out from them, there will then sometime be a history of every one from their beginning to their ending, there will then be a history of every one even such of them that have only a little beginning and then an ending to them; to every one then there will be a whole history of them, each one then sometime will have written a whole history of her, of him, and this will give to every one who ever was or is or will be living the last part of real being a history of them can give to any one.
There were then living on a ten acre place in a pleasant kind of living, Mr. Hersland and his wife and three children with servants and a governess and sometimes a seamstress in the house with them and near them poor people in small houses some of whom were more or less dependent on them. They had then pleasant living in this ten acre place, they had then their own kind of living and mostly it was pleasant enough for all of them, they had country living in them, they had city living in them, they had country house living in them, and always then living was very pleasant for all of them. The three children were more then of the for them poor people around them than they were of their mother's or their governesses' or their father's living. They had a relation to everybody around them but mostly then inside them they were mostly of the living of the poorer people who lived in the small houses near them. Sometimes they were very much of the living of the servants in the house with them, sometimes of the family of the governess then living with them but mostly always then they were more of the living of the people living in the small houses around them than they were of the living of those in the house with them.
As I was saying some of the servants living in the house with them were sometimes important to the children, sometimes the children liked to tease them, sometimes to get what they wanted from them, mostly the servants and governesses and seamstresses were not as important to the children as the people living in the small houses near them.
There are then always many millions of women who are servants with servant nature in them, there are always many millions who have servant girl nature in them the kind of nature that makes of them a certain kind of being. These are then two kinds of them and there are many mixtures in them, in each one of them. Some of them the women who are living as servants to some one, there are many of them with servant natures in them, there are many of them with servant girl natures in them, there are many of them with servant mistress natures in them, many with mistress servant natures in them, there are then in the women living as servants to some one every kind of nature in them, there is every kind of mixture in them of one or more of all the kinds of being women have in them. Sometime there will be a history of all the kinds of being women ever have or had or can have or will have in them. Sometime and that will be a great thing there will be a history of each one, of the bottom nature of each one and the mixing of different being or kinds of being with the bottom nature and the way it comes out in her living, from the beginning, from her being a baby then and just beginning, from the way it comes out more and more in her living as she goes on repeating the way everybody always does in living, more and more then in each one in their living the history of each one comes out of them, more and more each one is repeating and each part of their living has its own repeating and makes of that part a history coming out from them, then in the whole living there comes out more and more and more a repeating that was in them always inside them, from the beginning to the ending; this then is a history of them, this is a history of the bottom nature, how it works inside them, how it is mixed or not mixed up in them with the nature or other natures in them, sometime then there is a history of each one, sometime then there will be a history of every kind of women and of men, sometime there will be a history of each one.
There is then or will be then a history of each one who ever was or is or can be living. It comes out from them in the repeating which is sometime all of them. Many things come out of every one in their living and this is now a history of all that comes out of some of them.
Many things then come out in the repeating that make a history of each one for any one who always listens to them. Many things come out of each one and as one listens to them listens to all the repeating in them, always this comes to be clear about them, the history of them of the bottom nature in them, the nature or natures mixed up in them to make the whole of them in anyway it mixes up in them. Sometime then there will be a history of every one.
There are then many things every one has in them and this is a history of all of them in some of them.
As I said once almost every one has in them some kind of an impatient feeling, mostly every one has in them an anxious feeling and this is the way these work out in some.
When you come to feel the whole of anyone from the beginning to the ending, all the kind of repeating there is in them, the different ways at different times repeating comes out of them, all the kinds of things and mixtures in each one, anyone can see then by looking hard at any one living near them that a history of every one must be a long one. A history of any one must be a long one, slowly it comes out from them from their beginning to their ending, slowly you can see it in them the nature and the mixtures in them, slowly everything comes out from each one in the kind of repeating each one does in the different parts and kinds of living they have in them, slowly then the history of them comes out from them, slowly then any one who looks well at any one will have the history of the whole of that one. Slowly the history of each one comes out of each one. Sometime then there will be a history of every one. Mostly every history will be a long one. Slowly it comes out of each one, slowly any one who looks at them gets the history of each part of the living of any one in the history of the whole of each one that sometime there will be of every one.
There will then sometime be a history of every one who ever is or was or will be living, mostly every history will be a long one, some will have a very little one, slowly it comes out of each one. Mostly then the history of any one as it slowly comes out of them will be a long one, this is a long history now of many of them.
Every one then has in their living repeating, repeating of every kind of thing in them, repeating of the kind of impatient feeling they have in them, of the anxious feeling almost every one has more or less always in them.
There is then a whole to living, mostly everybody has for this an anxious feeling, some have not any such anxious feeling to the whole of them, many have the anxious feeling in every minute of their living, every minute is a whole to them with an anxious feeling which each minute ends them. To many then in the history of all the kinds of them all the kinds of men and women who ever were or are or will be living, to some then and there are always many millions of them to some then the important thing is to have the history of all the kinds, the history of all the kinds that ever can be of men and women. To many and there are always many millions of such of them the important thing is to have written about every one around them the history of each one, the history of that one, of every man or woman who ever was or is or will be living for them, the history of each one as in their living from their beginning to their ending their history comes out from them. To some the important thing in them is their own history, the history of them and inside them, as in repeating it comes out of them. There are many men and women always living and to them the important thing in living is in the different parts of living the being babies, children or young going to be men and women, or grown young men and women, and growing older men and women and men and women in their middle living, and growing old men and women, and then the end of all of them; there are many millions then who always think and feel about all men and women in the parts of living and the kind of being every one has in them in those different parts of their living. There are then many millions who always feel this in them about others around them about themselves inside them, the important thing to all of such of them are the parts of living the being babies and children and young going to be men and women and growing older men and women, and middle aged men and women and growing old men and women and old men and old women and then that is the end of them in their worldly living. There are then many who feel this part living as the strongest thing in every one around them and in themselves inside them. There are then many millions, many many millions always living who want to know about what each one does all through his or her living, there are many who want to know about it in the history of every one what kind of feeling they had in them and how these feelings then came out from them in their living from their beginning to their ending. There are then many kinds of feelings in each one, there are many feelings in every one, there are many ways of having feelings coming out of them, there are many who want to know it about every one around them what feelings they have in them, how such feelings come out of them, there are many millions then of women and of men who always think about this about every one around them, they want to know the feelings in each one of them and how it comes out from them, what the feelings in each one make of the life of such a one. There are many kinds of ways every one has in them of doing everything in their daily living, there are many who want a history of all such ways in each one. There are many who want their kind of history of only a few of all the people ever living, there are some who want a history coming out only from inside them, there are some who want a history to come out only from those just around them, there are some who want history coming out from some who were never and will never be anywhere near them, there is every kind of choosing, mostly every one wants a history of some one, mostly every one wants some kind of a history of some. Some few are always living who want about each one who ever was or is or will be living a history of every bit of them, of every moment in their daily living, of every kind of feeling they have in them, of every bit of them that comes out in them in repeating, of all the feeling in them and how it comes out from them in all of them in each one of them from their beginning to their ending, of every kind of men and women who ever were or are or will be living, of every part of their being and how in each part of their living their being shows itself in them, of the feeling in each kind of them and how it shows in each one their kind of them, how it comes out in each one in every part of their living from their beginning to their ending; there are then some who want the whole history of every one, of the kind they are in them, of everything that makes them and ever can come out of them, of every bit of them in all their living; there are then always some living who want of each one such a history of them, there are some of such of them now living and sometime there will be written by all of such of them a history of every one.
There are then many ways of having living inside one and having it come out from one, always then some one looks at each one, always the more one looks at every one the more one knows that sometime there will be a history of every one.
There are then many ways of having impatient feeling in one, there are then many ways of having an anxious feeling in one, this is now the history of some of them and the servant queerness that comes out of some servants who have in them impatient feeling and anxious being and later in their living from much sitting alone in a kitchen, from much eating without any one being then with them or around them, from much cooking, from much directing from the mistress in the house with them and from being with the children living in the houses where they are working have such servant queerness come to be in them; there are then many women and many kinds of them who have sometimes servant queerness in them.
There are then every kind of women among the servants working in every kind of kitchen. There are some who have in them servant girl nature as the bottom of them.
The nature in every one is always coming out of them from their beginning to their ending by the repeating always in them, by the repeating always coming out from each one. Sometimes, often, one looking at some one forgets about that one many things one knows in that one, always soon then such a one brings it back to remember it about that one the things one is not then thinking by the repeating that is always in each one. Always then everybody is always repeating the whole nature of them and to any one who looks always at each one always the whole of that one one is then seeing keeps coming out of such a one. So any one can know about any one the nature of that one from the repeating that is the whole of each one. The whole of every one is always coming out in repeating. Always it is coming out of every one the whole nature of them in their daily living in the repeating each one has all the time in living. Every minute then in their living they are themselves inside them and they are repeating always and all the repeating together is the whole nature of every one coming out from them, coming out from them in their daily living, coming out from them in different ways in different moments of their living. Always then it is coming out of each one the whole nature of that one in the daily living of such a one in the repeating each one has all the time in living. Each minute then in the living of each one there is inside each one the being that makes that one and each one is repeating always this being that makes each one that one inside to that one and each one is repeating always and all the repeating together of each one is coming out always from each one, coming out from each one in the daily living each one is leading, coming out from each one in different ways in different moments of the living of each one.
Servant queerness in all of them who have servant queerness in them comes out of such of them as the kind of nature in them; in each one having servant queerness in them it comes out of them by the nature of them, in the way they have always had in them impatient feeling and anxious feeling. Impatient feeling and anxious feeling has always been in each one of them in the way it was natural to their kind of them to such a one of their kind of them to have it in them and then it comes, the impatient feeling and anxious feeling, it comes to be that these get stronger and more mixed up in them then in such a one from their kind of living, from the kind of eating alone and drinking, from cooking and their kind of working, from sitting in a kitchen, it comes then that there is in such a one servant queerness in her being and the servant queerness is in her and comes out from her to make for her that kind of servant queerness that comes out of the nature in her.
The servants then living with the Hersland family, those who stayed a long time with them were older foreign or foreign American women. One of these had servant girl nature in her, she had submission in her, she could have sometime resisting in her. This never came to be in her in her living with the Hersland family, with them she never had any resistance inside her. Mrs. Hersland never had with her an angry feeling, she went away at last to take care of a sick brother. There are then every kind of women among the women who are sometimes servants for some one. There are then every kind of women among foreign women among foreign American women who are servants sometime in their living to some one. Many of them have servant girl nature in them, many of them have servant nature in them, many of them have a mistress nature in them, many of them have a mixture in them; there are then all kinds of women nature among them. About half of all of them have in them of their kind of them independent dependent nature in them, they are the independent dependents of their kind of them, the rest of them the other more or less half of them the women living as servants sometime in their living have dependent independent nature in them, they are the dependent independents of their kind of them. The nature in each one makes a long history of each of them and sometime there will be a history of every one and the nature in them and how in their servant living the nature in them comes out from them.
Mrs. Hersland got her important feeling of herself to herself from all of them from all the servants she ever had working for her or doing something for her in her living, Mrs. Hersland got her important feeling of herself to herself from all of them, from being of them and above them, from trying them, from directing them, from having in her sometimes from some of them an injured and an angry feeling, from having to arrange the relation of some of them to the governess living in the house at the same time. Some of them who had in them a certain mixture inside them never liked it that the governess was not of them and Mrs. Hersland had strongly then a feeling of herself to herself from making such a one understand the position a governess had and how a servant should behave toward such a one. Mrs. Hersland had then much important living with the servants, she never liked any one of them to have servant queerness in them, she never liked them to be so young that she needed to train them, she liked them to be older foreign or foreign American women, she liked to be of them and above them. Mostly she had very little trouble with them, sometimes she had troubles with the families of them, some of this will come out later in the daily living of the Hersland children in the history of each one.
Mrs. Hersland had then sometimes troubles with the families of them. Mrs. Hersland had her important feeling from servants who were with her in her middle living. Mrs. Hersland had from some of them an injured feeling, Mrs. Hersland had with some of them an angry feeling, sometimes it was with one of them sometimes with some one of the family of one of them. Mrs. Hersland had in her nothing of impatient feeling, she could have in her an injured and a bright angry feeling. Once one foreign girl had come to her from some one in Bridgepoint who had sent her because she wanted to go and this friend thought she would be a good servant for Mrs. Hersland to have with her. The girl did not want to stay, she wanted to go back to Bridgepoint, she said Mrs. Hersland should help send her, Mrs. Hersland had then an angry feeling in her, she said she did not have to help send her. The girl said she would have to help a little to send her, Mrs. Hersland said she would either not give her anything to help her or she would pay everything for her, she never would help to send her away from her, she would pay the whole thing for her, it was not right but she would pay the whole thing for her, she would do it all or nothing for her, she did not have to do anything for her, she would do the whole thing for her. Mrs. Hersland had in her a bright angry feeling inside her, it was wrong that a girl should behave so toward her. Mrs. Hersland had then rightly an angry feeling in her. She paid everything for her. This was Mrs. Hersland with an injured feeling inside her and an angry feeling then in her. There was nothing in her of impatient feeling in her, with servants she had never anxious feeling in her, she had in her sometimes an injured feeling and then an angry feeling and then she would send the one that had given it to her away from her, then she would pay for some one all expenses for her, when she had in her an angry feeling inside her there was no half measure in her, often she only had an injured feeling in her; this time she had more angry than injured feeling in her. No one was then afraid of her, there was no terror in her anger for any one around her. Mostly she would then pay everything any one could in any kind of way ask of her to show them the right angry feeling in her.
There was never in Mrs. Hersland a bitter feeling in the injured or angry feeling in her with any servant in the house with her. She did not have in her impatient feeling, she did not have with any of them or the families of them an anxious feeling in her, she had inside her sometimes with them or with the families of them an injured sometimes an angry feeling in her, this never gave to her never made bitterness for her, Mrs. Hersland never had really any bitterness inside her, later she had a little dreary weakening sadness in her, later she had a scared feeling in her from her husband and her children grown big around her she never had in her impatient feeling in her she never had any bitterness in her, she had in her middle living for the servants and governesses and seamstresses and dependents sometimes an injured feeling sometimes a bright anger.
To have an injured or an angry feeling in one is very common in ordinary living. Injured or angry feeling may be in one with impatient feeling or with anxious feeling and it may be in one without any such being then in that one. Mrs. Hersland had in her living, mostly in the beginning and in the middle of her middle living very much of such feeling, not much with her husband or her children but with the servants and seamstresses and governesses and dependents all those that gave to her the feeling of herself inside her.
The independent dependent kind of men and women have in them, most of them, mostly in their injured and their angry feeling a sense of impatient feeling or anxious feeling with a sense of their own virtue their own right inside them, they have not in them then mostly a consciousness of angry or injured feeling in them, to them then their angry feeling or their injured feeling flows from the outraged virtue or goodness in them, to themselves then they have not any angry or injured feeling as filling them but flowing from them because it is natural to have such a thing in them when their goodness or virtue is outraged by some one. Mrs. Hersland was not such a one, she had in her dependent independent being in her, it was to her rightly an injured or an angry feeling she had then in her when some one around her did what it was not right for them to do toward her, she had then to herself rightly an injured and an angry feeling in her and to herself it was the injured or angry feeling that filled her, it was not right for the girl to ask Mrs. Hersland to help send her to Bridgepoint when the girl had no reason to leave her, it was right then for Mrs. Hersland to have in her an injured and then an angry feeling in her, it was then to Mrs. Hersland inside her that she had in her, rightly an angry and an injured feeling, then she would show it by doing nothing to help the girl who had no right to ask it of her or she would pay all her expenses for her. Mrs. Hersland had rightly in her toward her an injured and an angry feeling, to herself then this was all that was then in her, it was not to her her own virtue or her own goodness that was then the important thing inside her it was the injured and the angry feeling in her, to satisfy that she paid all the expenses for her, she would do that or nothing for her, it was not to her her own virtue or her own goodness that was to herself urging her to do this for the girl who asked of her what she had no business to ask of her, it was to herself in her the injured and the angry feeling in her that needed to have this action to make it quiet inside her, it was to satisfy this in her that she would do anything or nothing for the girl who had asked her to help her when she had no right to ask her, it was not then to herself in her a sense of goodness and virtue in her; this makes of her her kind of them the kind that has resisting and not attacking as the bottom nature in them; she was of this kind of them then she had resisting not attacking in her as the bottom nature of her.
Mrs. Hersland was of this kind of them then, she had resisting as her way of being. This is not always clear in the beginning sometimes it is the resisting that is in appearance like attacking, sometimes the attacking that has stubbornness or weakness in it like resisting but more in their living this nature in them comes out of them in the repeating that is in all being.
And so always whenever Mrs. Hersland had an injured or an angry feeling in her she did such a thing to satisfy herself inside her. This will come out more and more in her the kind of injured and angry feeling it was natural to have in her and the way it was natural for such feelings to come out of her. More this will be a history of these feelings in her, more and more this will be a history of the different ways the two kinds there are of men and women and all the kinds of the two kinds of them have every kind of feeling have every kind of way of having every feeling come out from them. Sometime then there will be more telling of the way Mrs. Hersland had injured and angry feeling. Sometime then there will be a history of every kind of feeling Mrs. Hersland had in her in her living and every way every feeling came out of her in her living. There will be then in the daily living of each one of the Hersland children there will be then in the history of the daily living of each one of the three of them a history of all the feeling and the way it came out of the mother of them the way it came out and so any one could see by looking that she was her kind of them the dependent independent kind of them the kind that have resisting as the bottom of them, the kind that have in them to themselves rightly in them an injured and an angry feeling and when they have this in them have not in them strongest inside them the sense of their own virtue or goodness then, they have then in them as the strongest thing then to themselves inside them this injured or angry feeling. Mrs. Hersland was of this kind of them then the dependent independent kind of women. Sometime there will be a long history of the two kinds of them and the feeling in them and the way feeling comes out of them. There was then in the Hersland middle living pleasant enough living for all of them on the ten acre place with servants and seamstresses and governesses in the house with them.
As I was saying Mrs. Hersland had different seamstresses to do different kinds of sewing for herself and her children. This is now a history of all of them.
Sometime there is a history of each one, of every one who ever has living in them and repeating in them and has their being coming out from them in the repeating that is always in all being. Sometime there is a history of every one. Sometime there will be a history of every kind of men and women. Sometime there is a history of each one. There must be such a history of each one for the repeating in them makes a history of them. The repeating of the kinds of them makes a history of the kinds of them, the repeating of the different parts and ways of being makes a history in many ways of every one. This is now a history of some. This will be sometime a history of many kinds of them. Any one who looks at each one will see coming out from them the bottom nature of them and the mixing of other nature or natures with the bottom nature of them.
Every one then has a history in them by the repeating that comes out from them. There are some who will have sometime the whole repeating of each one they have around them, they will have the whole history of each one, there is repeating then always in every one, there is repeating always of the kinds of all women and men. There is repeating then always in every one; that makes a history of each one always coming out of them. There is always repeating in every one but such repeating always has in it a little changing; the whole repeating then that is always coming, the whole repeating that comes out from them every one who has living in them, the whole repeating then in them and coming out from each one is a whole history of each one.
Repeating then is always coming out of every one, always in the repeating of every one and coming out of them there is a little changing. There is always then repeating in all the millions of each kind of men and women, there is repeating then in all of them of each kind of them but in every one of each kind of them the repeating is a little changing. Each one has in him his own history inside him, it is in him in his own repeating, in his way of having repeating come out from him, every one then has the history in him, sometime then there will be a history of every one; each one has in her her own history inside her, it is in her in her own repeating in her way of having repeating come out from her, every one then has the history in her, sometime then there will be a history of every one. Sometime then there will be a history of every kind of them every kind of men and women with every way there ever was or is or will be repeating of each kind of them.
The history of each one then is a history of that one and a piece of the history of their kind of men and women. Now there will be a history of one and then there will be histories of many more of them. Always then there will be long histories of each one.
There are then many things every one has in them that come out of them in the repeating everything living have always in them, repeating with a little changing just enough to make of each one an individual being, to make of each repeating an individual thing that gives to such a one a feeling of themselves inside them. I said each repeating in each one has each time in it a little changing, this sometimes comes nearly not to happening. Some keep on copying their repeating in their talking in the moving of their hands and shoulders and bodies in living, some keep on copying others around them, some have almost nothing in them of themselves inside them, every one has though always in them their own bottom nature their own kind of being, that is always in them repeating, that is always in them a real being.
Many go on all their life copying their own kind of repeating, many go on all their life copying some one else or some other kind of men or women's kind of repeating, some kind of being that they have not in them. Every one mostly has in them their own repeating sometime in their living, this is real being in them, many millions are always all through their living copying their own repeating, some have this in them because they are indolent in living, it is easier for such of them just to go on with an automatic copying of their own repeating rather than really live inside them their repeating. This is now a history of such a one.
There are then always the two kinds in all who are or were or ever will have in them human being, there are then always to my thinking in all of them the two kinds of them the dependent independent, the independent dependent; the first have resisting as the fighting power in them, the second have attacking as their natural way of fighting. As I was saying this is not always easy to know about them, it is not always easy to know which kind of these two kinds of being are in any one, it is hard to know it about them, it is hard to describe what I mean by the names I give to them. There are then these two kinds and always every one of all of them who have human being in them are of one kind or the other kind of them. Often, as I am saying, resisting is like attacking, the attacking like resisting. Often the meekness of the patient submission of the dependent side of the dependent independent kind of them seems like the sensitive scared yielding of the dependent side of the independent dependent kind of them. Each kind of them has in them their own way of loving, their own way of eating and drinking, their own way of sleeping, sitting resting and working, their own way of learning and thinking, their own way of having themselves come out from inside them; always there are these two ways of being, mostly one who knows it well about them can tell which kind each one is of them, mostly one knows about them by always looking at them as the repeating in each one makes a history of that one. Sometime then there will be a history of all of them.
Sometime there will be a history of all of them. Sometime there will be written a long book, a history of all of them of the two kinds of them. Sometime it will be clear to some one the whole history of every kind of men and women, the two kinds of them, the kinds in each kind of them, the mixture of all of them. Sometime then will be written a long book, a history of every kind of men and women and all the kind of being in them.
Now this is a history of one of them. As I was saying Mrs. Hersland had three seamstresses working for her when she was living in Gossols in her middle living when she was strongest in her feeling of being herself inside her in her living. One of these was living in a part of Gossols between the part where the Herslands were living where no other rich people were living and the part where mostly all the rich people were living. She had this one to do most of the making her child Martha's better clothing and her own ordinary dresses for her ordinary daily living. Then she had one who lived in a part nearer where the rich people were living, she went to this one. Then there was the woman who lived in a small house near them, the woman who had the three daughters who all of them sometime had beauty in them.
The one who lived in between always worked twice a year in the fall and in the spring to make dresses for Mrs. Hersland and Martha and sometimes for the governess then living in the house with them. She always came to work in the house with them, she always ate there with them, and sometimes when she was in a hurry to finish her work she remained altogether in the house sleeping and eating. Her name was Lillian Rosenhagen. She was a large woman, she had black hair and she was tall and she had long heavy fingers that were tapering and heavy again just where the nails were commencing. Lillian Rosenhagen was a stupid woman and never said anything but the children could never forget having had her in the house with them. She was of the kind of them and there are always many always being made of them who have it in them to be stupid, to be heavy, to be drifting, and yet one never forgets them when one has known them, they do nothing but they have a physical something in them that makes them.
Every kind of history about any one is important then, every kind of way of thinking about any one is important to those who need a whole history of every one.
There is then a whole to living, mostly everybody has for this an anxious feeling, some have not any such anxious feeling to the whole of them, many have the anxious feeling in every minute of their living, every minute is a whole to them in an anxious feeling which each minute ends them. As I was saying there are many ways of having anxious feeling in them in men and women. Anxious feeling in some is almost the whole living that they have in them, some have the anxious feeling every minute of their living every minute is a whole to them with an anxious feeling which each minute ends them. Some have very much anxious feeling in them but not every minute in their living, with some of such of them anxious feeling never makes an end to them, it goes on repeating in them but it does not ever to them make an end of them. Lillian Rosenhagen was such a one. Anxious feeling was in her always inside her coming to be strong in her whenever any little new thing was demanded of her, whenever she had to finish arranging anything whenever in a way there was any adjustment inside her to anything in her working or to any one around her.
There are then many ways for men and for women to have anxious feeling in them. Sometimes it is a wonder to any one who sees anxious feeling in almost every one, in every one's making a bargain, or selling, or buying, or hearing some one calling, or going to sleep, or wakening, in cooking, in ordering, many times in eating, in drinking, in coming and going. Mostly every one has in them more or less an anxious feeling, mostly every one has in them more or less impatient feeling, some have more anxious than impatient feeling in them, some have almost the same amount in them of anxious as impatient feeling in them, some have much more impatient than anxious feeling in them, many have every minute impatient feeling in them and every minute there is a beginning for them, many have impatient feeling in them and this has nothing in it of beginning for them, some have impatient feeling in them as always an ending to them inside them, many have it in them just as their own way of going on with their living. Anxious feeling can be in some as always an ending to them, it can be in some as always a beginning in them of living, there are some who have it in them as their own way of living.
In many, anxious being is impatient feeling and sometime there will be a history of many of such of them.
Lillian Rosenhagen had always repeating in her an anxious feeling, she had very little in her of impatient feeling. As I was saying Lillian Rosenhagen was very good at sewing, she was very steady at working, she had always in her repeating an anxious feeling when she had to do any ending or beginning.
Some have in them nervous feeling, this is different from an impatient feeling, this is different from anxious being, many have all of these mixed up in them. Lillian Rosenhagen had one kind of an anxious feeling, she had very little impatient feeling in most of her living, she had very little nervous being in her. This will now be a long history of the kind of anxious being in her and how it is different in her from in others who are made more or less like her.
There is a servant queerness in some, a queerness that comes out in them from the kind of anxious being, from the kind of impatient feeling sometime in them which comes to be from the kind of living servants have in them comes to be in such a one a servant queerness and every one in the house knows it in that one. There is then a servant queerness in many women and in some men who are working as servants and have a servant living in them. They have many of them a servant queerness in them and that comes out of them according to the nature of them, according to the kind there is in them of a bottom nature in them and the kind they have in them of mixtures inside them which gives to them the kind that is in them of the impatient being and anxious being in each one, the kind in them of such being inside them that with the servant living makes inside such a one servant queerness. There are many ways of having queerness in many men and women. There are many who have not any such queerness in them, many have things in them that others around them sometime think queer in them but there are many who have not such a kind of queerness in them that makes really a character in them. There are many men and women who have queerness in them, sometime there will be a history of all the kinds of them. Just now there will not be a history of such a one. Some dressmakers have a dress-making queerness in them, a queerness that comes from sitting sewing and always lying and there own kind of anxious feeling and their own kind of creating and own kind of nervous being, there are many of such of them. Lillian Rosenhagen was not of such of them, she had in her as I was saying anxious feeling, she had in her very little of impatient being, there never came to be in her a queerness inside her.
Lillian Rosenhagen never had any man who really wanted to marry her. They all liked her. Mostly every one who knew her liked her. She lived together with her mother and sometimes her sister. Sometimes the sister sewed with her. Often this one did not live with her mother and her sister. She had a very unpleasant nature.
Everybody is always in their living repeating, some all through their living have strong feeling in every moment of repeating in each time their repeating comes out from them. Some have feeling only in the beginning, repeating then goes on and on inside them; some have feeling in them in the repeating coming out of them when they are changing in repeating; many have very little feeling in them in most of the repeating coming out of them in their living; many have not enough feeling in them to make it real repeating, in such of them it comes to be a copy of the repeating that once came out of them in feeling; some copy others around them and make of this a repeating in them, some make of such a copying a repeating in feeling, some never have in such a copying a real repeating feeling.
There are then many as I was saying who all their lives are repeating and each repeating has in it as strong feeling as any part of their being, there are many millions always being made such of them, sometime there will be more understanding of the meaning in this saying. There are always many millions who only sometime in repeating have much feeling, in many of such of them repeating is just going on because they are living and in living one always goes on repeating, there are some who have not enough activity inside them to go in this way in their repeating, these have to copy themselves with a certain impulsion so as to go on repeating, they copy themselves in their way of talking, sometimes in their loving, often in their way of walking, of moving their hands and shoulders, in their ways of smiling, there have been some and always will be some who copy themselves so in all their living, in their eating and drinking, in every moment of their daily living. I say some who have not much activity inside them have a kind of indolent and lethargic way of repeating, something in between just going on repeating and copying themselves to start them to keep going; Lillian Rosenhagen was one of such of them.
I say that anxious feeling comes out of each one according to the nature of them, this has in almost every one every time it comes in them out of them more in it of real feeling in repeating than many things in many men and women. There are some men and women always living who can have in them anxious feeling repeating without much real being in such repeating. Lillian Rosenhagen was a little such a one.
Sometimes then the sister Cecilia Rosenhagen would be living with her mother and her older sister Lillian. Often she would leave them and live away from them. The Rosenhagen sisters were both born American. The father was not living. The mother was old then and did nothing but a little cleaning and cooking, the daughter Lillian did most of the supporting of the mother. Sometimes Cecilia would be helping but she never got as much money for working as Lillian and often she was not living with them.
As I was saying Lillian Rosenhagen did not have men want to marry her. She was good looking, she was tall and dark, she was a stupid woman. She had good dress-making instinct in her working. She was steady in her working. She had in her anxious feeling as I was saying, a little, every time she had to do something. Cecilia had in her anxious feeling as excitement always in her. She had a very disagreeable nature. She had always suspicion in her of every one around her, anxious feeling was always an excitement to her, she had a great deal of it in her.
Every one then has in their living repeating, repeating of every kind of thing in them, repeating of the kind of anxious feeling almost every one has more or less always in them, repeating of the way each one has of being stupid in their living.
Almost every one, always each one has a way of having a kind of stupidity inside them always repeating in their living. Every one then has in them some kind of stupidity inside them. In each one it is of the nature of that one, of the kind of stupid being that is natural to their kind of them. With some their stupid being is mixed up with anxious feeling, with some with their impatient feeling, in some with other things in them, in some it is just there in them it never mixes up inside them, it is just there, always in them, it is so steady and stilly in them it does not come out of them as repeating, it just lies there quiet, as the bottom of them.
Lillian Rosenhagen was such a one. She was a stupid woman. She had anxious feeling in her whenever any little new thing was demanded of her, whenever she had to finish arranging anything, whenever in any way there was any adjustment inside her to anything in her working or to any one around her. This was the anxious feeling in her, this had nothing to do in her with the stupid being in her that made her.
In many, anxious being is impatient feeling in them, and sometimes in many, it is a suspicious feeling always in them, in many it is an excited feeling that keeps them always changing and acting. In Cecilia Rosenhagen there was a little of all these three ways of having as feeling her anxious being. Mostly it was the last kind of them the excited way of being that was strongest in her in her anxious feeling, she had it in her to have a good deal of suspicious feeling, she had less in her her anxious being as impatient feeling. In some anxious being is in them a nervous condition.
As I was saying mostly every one has in them more or less anxious being, with some it is part of their stupid being, this was not so in the sister Lillian, it was true of the other one. Each one of them had in her her own stupid being and now this is a history of it in each of them.
Lillian Rosenhagen was four years older than her sister Cecilia. Cecilia had a very unpleasant nature, she had nervousness in her, she had suspicion in her, she had anxious being as excitement always working in her. She was not a good worker, she was not a bad worker, she could find people to employ her and they would always be ready to keep her longer than her suspicious temper would let her. As I was saying sometimes she would be living with her sister and mother and then anxious being would be such an excitement inside her that she would go away and live with any friend who would let her. She always had a new friend who would take her, then she would have her anxious being as a new excitement in her and she would come back to her mother and sister. Lillian never began again with her from any goodness inside her. She had no use for her sister, they had no use for each other, they both had stupid being in them and they put up with each other when they were together, they did not quarrel with each other, they did not enough touch one another to quarrel together.
They each one of them had in them their own kind of stupid being. In Lillian stupid being was the vague bottom to her that was always there when you looked at her. It made her, it had nothing to do in her with the anxious feeling sometimes in her, not with any trouble she had in her with her mother or her sister or a customer or the daily living and everything then that happened to her. She went on repeating because in living one goes on repeating, because that is the way one does in living. Lillian Rosenhagen went on living, sometimes she had a real feeling in her living, often she had in her a kind of anxious feeling, this she had in her whenever she had any adjusting of herself to her working, her work to a fitting of herself to any one who had then something to do with her. As I said she always then had a kind of anxious feeling in her, this never came to be sorrow in her, this never came to be a puzzled or a worried feeling in her, it was just such a kind of anxious feeling in her that made a little feeling inside her that was not just going on living in her, not a copying of herself in repeating in her, not just a drifting in her, it was pretty nearly a really anxious being in her. As I say she had a vague stupid being as a bottom to her. Mostly she went on repeating because repeating goes on always when any one is still living. She had a vague stupid bottom being, this was hardly repeating, this was just there lying in her as a bottom. She had a physical something that made an impression, that was some attraction. Mostly men did not want her for marrying, no man ever wanted her enough to have her marry him. She just went on living and dress-making.
Every one has in them their own history inside them, in each one the history comes out of them in the repeating that is always in them that sometime when all the repeating in them has been done by them and they are no longer living and so do no more repeating, that sometime will be a whole history of each one of them.
Sometime then each one will be dead and they each one will do no more repeating; there will then have been, there will then be a whole history of each one. In some as I was saying repeating comes almost without any changing any differing from the other repeating in them, in some repeating always has some changing, in some repeating has each time real feeling, in some it has so little real feeling it is only copying their own repeating. There can be then every kind of repeating with every degree of changing to some which takes strong looking to be sure it is repeating. There can then be repeating with every degree of changing, with every degree of feeling. There can be strong feeling in each repeating and the repeating have almost no changing. There is every kind of mixing, there is excitement and nervous feeling in repeating that sometimes makes it seem to be changing, there is nervous or excited or anxious being around repeating that makes it sometimes seem like a fresh feeling. Even in anxious being there can be repeating without fresh feeling. There can be every kind of mixing, this is a history of some of them.
Repeating then is always coming out of every one, almost always in the repeating in every one and coming out of them there is a little changing. All the repeating in each one makes a history of each one always coming out of them. There is always repeating in every one but such repeating has almost always in it a little changing, the whole repeating then that is always coming the whole repeating that comes out of them every one who has living in them and coming out from each one is a whole history of each one.
Lillian and Cecilia Rosenhagen each in their own way of being had both of them very little changing in their repeating, very little fresh feeling in their repeating. Lillian Rosenhagen had as I was saying always when she had to do finishing or beginning or a little adjusting of anything or of herself to any one around her, had always then a little anxious being that had always in it a little feeling, that had always in it very little changing, it was very much the same repeating. Mostly, in her ways of doing there was very little in her of fresh feeling, mostly when she was with others there was in her very little of fresh feeling, she was just copying herself in her movements in repeating or else she had in her a little drifting; she had in her as a bottom her indolent and stupid being that was in her but hardly came out of her as repeating. She had almost nothing in her ever of impatient feeling. Cecilia Rosenhagen was very different from her sister Lillian. She had in her anxious feeling as the bottom and the whole of her being. No man wanted her to marry him. It was different with her from her sister Lillian, it was for a different reason. Cecilia Rosenhagen had in her anxious being as the bottom and the whole of her being. In her, anxious being was always in her excited feeling, any one who saw her knew this in her; in her, injured feeling was always suspicious feeling, every one felt this strongly with her after a very little of her; she always had a new woman friend to pity her and to commence with her, she never had any man who wanted to take care of her or marry her. It was different in her from her sister Lillian, neither of them ever came to marrying.
Cecilia Rosenhagen was a true spinster. Lillian Rosenhagen was not married because nobody had came to want her enough to take her. These two were very different in nature.
There is every kind of being in women who have it in common to have a spinster nature. Later there will be much discussing of this spinster nature. Now it is enough to know that Cecilia Rosenhagen had it in her.
So then they went on with their living to their ending Lillian and Cecilia Rosenhagen. No man ever married either one of them. They both went on in their own way living and dress-making to their ending. Mrs. Hersland liked to have Miss Lillian Rosenhagen in the house working. She was a good young woman for dress-making, she never gave to Mrs. Hersland anything of an injured or angry feeling.
It is very common to have in one injured or angry feeling inside one. Injured or angry feeling it is common to have inside in every one. Injured or angry feeling it is common to have sometime in almost every one. Anxious feeling and impatient feeling are more or less and sometime in almost every one. Every one has sometime something of such feelings in them. It is very common to have the injured or the angry feeling in one mixed in one with the impatient feeling and the anxious feeling sometime in almost every one. Anxious feeling, impatient feeling, injured feeling, angry feeling are all sometime in each one in almost every one who ever was or is or will be living. In many then impatient feeling and anxious being are mixed up in them in the injured feeling and the angry feeling almost every one has sometime in them. There are many then that have this mixture in them. The way it comes out of them, the way these feelings mix up in them, the way they mix up with other things in them make of each man or woman their kind of man or woman, make them one of the two kinds of men and women, make of them one of the many kinds in each of the two kinds of them. There are then many who have mixed up in them anxious being, impatient feeling, injured and angry feeling. Almost every one has in them their kind of stupid being, mostly every one who knows any one knows this in them. There are some who have their stupid being mixed up in them with their kind of anxious being, their kind of impatient feeling, their kind of injured, their kind of angry feeling.
Lillian Rosenhagen had very little of any of this mixing. She did have a very little sometimes in her injured feeling in her, there was never very much of such feeling in her but when there was such feeling in her when there was a little an injured feeling inside her it was never in her impatient feeling or anxious feeling or even angry feeling; but she could have sometimes in her a very little injured feeling inside her and this in her was connected inside her with the vague stupid being that was a bottom to her. That makes the being clear in her, there was almost nothing in her ever of impatient feeling and very little in her ever of angry feeling inside her. There was in her anxious being but that never had anything to do with the vague stupid being that was the bottom to her. There was in her not often but real in her sometimes an injured feeling that was not in her ever connected with the anxious feeling often in her with the anxious being of her, it was connected when it was in her, this injured feeling which was very real in her the times it came to be inside her it was connected in her it was part in her of the vague stupid being that was the bottom to her. This had very little in her ever to do with a love matter, almost never, almost never with her sister, a little more with her mother, almost never with a customer, it just sometimes came to be in her. As I said of her she had a physical something that went with the vague stupid bottom of her, that was pleasant in her, it was vague in her, she had never impatient feeling, or in living, anxious feeling, or in loving injured or angry feeling. No man came to ever want to marry her, she went on to her ending living and dress-making and now this is all the history of her.
With Cecilia Rosenhagen it was a different matter. Cecilia had a very different nature from her sister. No man ever wanted to marry her but it was a different matter from that in the case of her sister. In Lillian's case it was that no man had ever come to want her, no man ever wanted to have Cecilia; that was quite a different matter. Everything in her came from her bottom nature, she always had excitement in her, she always had repeating in her and all the repeating in her was filled with the excitement always in her. She had not much impatient feeling in her, she had very much anxious feeling in her, she did not have very much real anger in her, she had always very much injured being in her. In her, injured being, anxious being, was a suspicious excited state inside her, these were always in her, these filled her when she was living with her sister, when she left her, when she came back to her sister and her mother, when she was living with any friend who would have her, when she was working for or leaving any one who employed her. Anxious being was always in her, it was always in her as injured feeling and an excited suspicious being, that made the whole of her. This did not come to be active in her very much from her sister, a little from her mother, more from any friend who let her live with her, a little from any one who employed her, but mostly she had it in her from everything around her, from every moment of being in her. Excited suspicious living of anxious being and injured feeling, that was the whole of her. She always had a new friend who let her stay with her and then she went to another and so on until she came back again to her mother and her sister and so on to begin again with another. This was a history of her, she was not a good workwoman but not a bad one either, she was good enough so that she would always find some one to employ her, she would always leave them while they were yet willing to keep her, she would have anxious feeling then in her as excitement, as a suspicious feeling, as an injured feeling in her and so then now there is a whole history of her. Sometime perhaps there will be another history of her. There were then in Gossols in Mrs. Hersland's middle living three sets of women who did her dress-making. There were Lillian Rosenhagen and her sister Cecilia who worked for her in the house with her to make the ordinary dresses for her and her little girl Martha and sometimes for the governess then living with her, there was the woman who lived in a small house near the Herslands then in that part of Gossols where no other rich people were living, who did just working over and ordinary sewing, and there was then another dress-maker who lived in the richer quarter who made Mrs. Hersland's best dresses for her. There will be now a history of her.
There is a certain kind of women who have in them independent dependent nature in a certain kind of way in them. They have not servant girl nature in them. They have their own way of having independent dependent nature in them. This is now a history of one of them.
Such of them have more or less fear in them, they have very little in them of anxious being, they have some impatient feeling in them, they have courage in them and they have fear in them and they have a little impatient being and they have in them almost nothing of anxious being. As I was saying they have not in them servant girl nature in them.
They have not in them servant girl nature in them, they have in them very little of anxious being, they have in them only a little impatient being, they have not in them much injured being, they can have in them angry feeling. There are many ways then for women and for men to have anxious being in them. These then have very little anxious being in them, they have independent dependent nature in them and so they have attacking in them as their natural way of fighting. There are many women who seem from the kind of movement in them when they are doing anything in any way attacking anything in their living, there are many women who have then always in them something that seems anxious being in them. Such of them have attacking in them as their way of fighting but they have weakness in them or a sensitive being in them or a vague being in them or an empty being in them as the bottom of them. These then have attacking as their natural way of fighting, many of them have attacking in them always only from some one else acting on them, some one else giving them ideas for fighting, some one else using them for living, some one else needing them for protecting or else because they are at the last need in them for some other thing. There are many many millions always being made of such of them, they are wonderful instruments for other people's living, they never know it in them that it is other people's lives they are living. As I was saying these have in them always in attacking something that is like anxious being in them, but this is mostly not true of them, it is mostly not true of them that they have anxious being in them for most of them and there are many men and many women of them most of them have not it in them to have consciously and most of them not to have any kind of fear in them. One must have some kind of fear in one to have in one really anxious being, servant girl women have always such fear in them, dependent independent men and women have almost always fear in them, these have bottom earth feeling in them, they feel their pulses to see if they are living, any one with bottom earth feeling in them can have at some time fear in them, but this is not what is now being written.
Independent dependent men and women have attacking as a natural way of fighting in them, all independent dependent men and women have attacking as the natural way of fighting, the kind of independent dependent men and women, these of that kind of them who have very much in them of weakness or sensitive being or vague or vacant being as the bottom of them such of them have in them when it comes to them to have fighting in their living and most of them have a great deal in them of fighting, some of them have it in them then to conquer whatever it is in the bottom of them that does not help them in fighting, some of them harden themselves harden the weakness in them so that it does not stop them, some fill themselves with angry feeling to concentrate in them the vague being they have inside them as a bottom to them, some just go ahead with the vacant being lying there in them they go ahead and it gives to such of them a being like an anxious feeling but it is not fear in such of them it is only the vacant being in them, some get so strongly in them the fighting for some one around them that it takes away from them in attacking the sensitive feeling that might stop them. In all of such of them there is to one looking at them anxious being in them but this is not really in them, it is only the halting that comes to them in attacking from the kind of bottom in them, from the weakness or sensitive being or vague or empty being that makes the bottom of each one of such of them. These then have in them halting in attacking, they have not in them really anxious being, they have not in them really fear in them, they have not in them servant girl nature in them, they have not in them dependent independent nature in them, they have not really resisting in them, they may help their attacking by a kind of stubbornness in them but this is never in such of them real resisting in them and sometime every one who lives near them learns to know it in them. The halting in them then in their beginning an attacking gives to such of them then an appearance to them not of timidity in them but of anxious being in them, sometimes anxious nervous being in them. They have not then really anxious being in them. Some time there will be here a history of many of them. The other seamstress who did sewing for Mrs. Hersland in her middle living, the one who lived in that part of Gossols where richer people were living, the one that made for Mrs. Hersland then all her best dresses the ones she used for visiting, this woman then was of a kind of woman as I was saying who have in them very little of anxious being or impatient being, sometimes impatient being, a little of angry feeling, sometimes some injured feeling. She was not of them I have just been describing. She is near them but not altogether of them. She has not much attacking in her living, she has more gayety in being. She is of the kind very closely like the kind I have been just describing but she is of a different kind of women from them. She has not in her any servant girl being, she has in her independent dependent being, she has in her attacking as her way of fighting but she has not much fighting in her being, she has gayety in her being, she does good dress-making, this is now a history of her kind of women and there are men too who have this kind of being. This is a history of a kind then of men and women. This is a history of one woman of this kind of men and women. Always then of each kind of being there are both men and women. Sometimes there are more women of that kind of them mostly made than men, sometimes there is a kind of being that comes oftener as men than women. Almost always in every kind of being there are millions always being made of men and women of that kind of them. Men have in them and women have in them some of them dependent independent nature in them, some of them independent dependent nature in them. There are many kinds of each of these two kinds of being men and women have in them. In all the kinds that are always in the world existing of each kind of them there are always some millions of men and some millions of women. This will come out clearer always as the history of every one of every kind who ever has or has had or will have human being in them comes to be written. So then there was a woman Mary Maxworthing who did dress-making in Gossols and lived in that part of Gossols where richer people were living, there was this woman who had independent dependent being and had in her a certain kind of being and there are always being made many millions of women and there are always being made millions of men who have in them the same kind of being she had in her in her living.
She had attacking in her as her way of fighting but she did not have much fighting in her living, she had in her very little anxious being, she had in her a very little impatient being, she had gayety in living, she could have prudish feeling, she was a good work-woman.
Mary Maxworthing was clever not brilliant in dress-making, she had gayety in her living, she had very little in her of attacking, she had almost nothing in her of anxious being, she had very little fear in living, she had a little in her of impatient being, she had sometimes in her, injured feeling. She had not in her a stupid bottom to her, she had very little stupid being in her. She was as I said a very good dress-maker. She had as I was saying independent dependent being, when there was fighting in her there was attacking but there was very little fighting in her living, when there was weakness in her of the bottom giving way in her that is always in those who have the dependent side of independent dependence in them, when that weakness came to be yielding in her it was a sensitive yielding in her but there was very little of this in her, there was very little weakness or sensitive yielding at the bottom in her. She had almost no fear in her, very little bottom yielding in her, she had almost no anxious feeling ever in her, she had almost no stupid being at the bottom of her, she had a little impatient being in her, she had sometimes a little injured being in her; any stupid being in her was connected with the little impatient being in her, with the injured feeling sometimes in her. The difference between her and the other kind of women I have been just describing, the kind who have much bottom in them of sensitive being or weakness or vague being or empty being, with much in them of attacking, with very little in them of anxious being for they have not in them the kind of sense that gives fear inside them to men and women, the women then who have halting in attacking halting that looks like nervous anxious being in them not like timid being, the difference between such ones and such a one as the dress-maker Mary Maxworthing will come out later in the history of the Hersland daughter Martha, in the history of Julia Dehning. Now there is a history of Mary Maxworthing and her business of dress-making.
Mary Maxworthing then lived her own life, had her own way of dressmaking, she was not of them who lived other people's lives in living There are many of such of them many who have an instrument nature in them, many who have attacking in them as their natural way of fighting but have at the bottom of them sensitive being or weakness as the bottom of them or vacant being as the bottom of them or vague being as the bottom of them. Such of them have it in them often to live other people's lives in their living, some have it less some have it more in them, it depends in them on the proportion in them of fighting power in them, in the relation in them of the attacking instinct in them with the other bottom in them, it depends in them on the way stubbornness is in them, in the way stupid being is in them; the more there is in them of stupid being or stubborn being in them the more there is in such of them of resisting, of living their own lives in their living. There are some of them who have sensitive being or vacant being or weakness as a bottom to them or vague being in them to so completely fill them that it makes a personality in them and then they live their own lives in their living.
Sometime there will be some understanding of this nature in men and in women, soon it will show in Martha Hersland and in Julia Dehning, soon it will show a little in a sister of the first governess the Herslands had ever living with them. Mr. Hersland had a nature in him that has a connection with the kind of nature that I have been just describing, a connection in one direction, Mary Maxworthing had a connection in another direction. The relation who worked with Mary Maxworthing a young woman Mabel Linker had a far away connection with such of them. Lillian Rosenhagen was not at all of this kind of them, she had a vague bottom but she had dependent independent being. She was of a different nature.
Mary Maxworthing then in her later living was very successful in her business of dress-making, I don't mean to say she ever made a fortune, she never did make a fortune, she earned a very good living. She was very successful in dress-making, she never earned real distinction, she never in living did really very personal creating but she lived her own life in her living and she had a fairly successful life from her beginning to her ending. She had men who wanted her to marry them, when she was thirty-five she did marry and she married very well then, not well enough to give up dressmaking but well enough to be very comfortable in living.
She had working with her Mabel Linker, she had other girls working for her but Mabel Linker was a kind of a partner. She was the daughter of a cousin of Mary's sister-in-law and was a very good almost brilliant dress-maker. Sometimes the two had a hard time keeping together, Mabel Linker was a little flighty sometimes and sometimes Mary Maxworthing had an impatient temper, always she had a little impatient being in her.
I like to tell it better in a woman the kind of nature a certain kind of men and women have in living, I like to tell about it better in a woman because it is clearer in her and I know it better, a little, not very much better. One can see it in her sooner, a little, not very much sooner, one can see it as simpler, things show more nicely separated in her and it is therefore easier to make it clear in a description of her. Such a nature as Mary Maxworthing had in her is of the kind of nature that many men and women have in them. It is clearer in her than in a man like her and so I will describe it in her. Sometime it will be clearer just why and how different her kind in a man is from her, this will all be clearer later. Now this is a history of Mary Maxworthing, and her dress-making and how Mabel Linker lived with her. It is very interesting that every one has in them their kind of stupid being. It is very important to know it in each one which part in them, which kind of feeling in them is connected with stupid being in them. Sometime there will be a history of every kind of stupid being in every kind of human being in every part of the living of each one from their beginning to their ending.
Always it is important to know it in each one the stupid being in them and the way it is connected in them with the important being in them that makes each one that one, sometime then there will be a long history of every kind of way any one can have stupidity inside them. It is very important then to know it in each one and sometime every one looking at any one can learn to know it in that one. Sometime every one looking at any one will learn to know it in that one. Now there will be a description of it in every one. Now there will be a description of it in Mary Maxworthing. There will be a description of the kind of stupid being Mary Maxworthing had in living, of the kind of stupid being the other kind of women I was describing have in them, the stupid being Mabel Linker had in her in her living.
Stupid being then is in every one, in some it is with the bottom in them, in some with the other nature or natures in them, in some with the feeling coming out of them. In some it is always repeating, in some it is only rarely repeating, there is every kind of accent in repeating stupid being, sometime there will be a history of all of them.
As I was saying every one has stupid being in them. It is very important to know it in each one the kind of stupid being in them. Stupid being is not foolish being, it is not dull or senseless being, it is sometimes foolish being, it is sometimes dull or senseless being, it is not always any very certain kind of being, it is always in each one and sometime it comes in some fashion out of every one. Stupid being then will soon be certain in each one. This is now a history of stupid being in some. Stupid being then is somewhere in each one, in every one there is in them the stupid being that is natural to them, that makes their kind of them. There is then in every one their kind of stupid being and it comes out in each one according to the nature of that one. In some, stupid being is resisting. In many then who have independent dependent nature in them resisting is the stupid being in them. In those who have in them dependent independent nature, in them stubbornness is a resisting that is natural in them with their kind of knowing, resisting in such of them is not the stupid part of them. Each one as I was saying has in them their kind of stupid being, the kind of stupid being that is natural to their kind of them.
I say then in many who have independent dependent nature in them who have attacking as the natural way of fighting in them, who have weakness or vagueness or sensitiveness or emptiness as the natural bottom of them, in all of such of them stubborn resisting is almost always a part in them of the stupid nature in them, of the stupid nature every one has in them.
This was not so in Mary Maxworthing. She almost never had in her any stubborn resisting, the stupid being in her came with the impatient being in her, with angry feeling sometimes in her, with the injured feeling sometimes in her. She had really very little stupid being in her, she had not any stupid kind of bottom to her. She did not have really very much bottom in her, she had in her gayety and sensitive being in her enough to give her a sympathetic flavor, and a very little attacking in her but enough to make successful living in her, and impatient being in her enough to make it sometimes unpleasant to live with her, and impatient and angry feeling in her enough to give a stupid being to her, and injured feeling in her enough to keep her sense of responsibility to herself alive inside her. This is a history of her.
This is now another history of her, this is now a history of what happened to her. This is now a history of her and of Mabel Linker who lived with her.
Mary Maxworthing was one of the children of an American man and woman who had made a good enough living at farming.
Mary Maxworthing was one of the children of an American man and woman who had made a good enough living at farming. They still had a farm and some of their children lived with them. Their name was changed some in their American living. Mary came to Gossols to work for her living when she was about sixteen. She first earned her living by taking care of children. She did not find this very amusing. She liked children but she wanted freedom. She began to think when she was about twenty-one of some other way of earning a living. She thought over everything, a little dairy to sell butter and eggs and milk and cream but she did not like that kind of work and it takes a great deal of money to begin. She thought of millinering but she was not a very good hand at hat trimming, she was very good at sewing but she knew nothing about cutting and fitting. She was then about twentyfive when she came to this decision, when she decided to do dress-making. As I was saying she knew then nothing about cutting and fitting, she was very good at sewing, she had good ideas about dresses for women, she had a good sense of fashion. So then she sent for her relation Mabel Linker who lived down in the country to come and join her. She went on working at being nursery governess to earn a living for the two of them while Mabel was to learn cutting and fitting and dress-making from the beginning. Mabel Linker was soon very clever at dress-making. Soon they were ready to begin. Then they started an establishment for dress-making in that part of Gossols where richer people were living. They did not then have success with their undertaking.
Mary Maxworthing had a certain gayety in being. She had not liked farming, she did not like taking care of children. She did not like farming for that is a dreary way of living, not that she was a discontented person but she liked a certain gayety in living. She had no wildness in her being, she was not really a thoughtless person, she was not a very conscientious person but she was conscientious enough for ordinary living, she was conscientious the way most people are in living, there was nothing reckless in her being. She had a kind of responsibility to others and to herself in her living, she was not at all a wild or stupid being.
They were at first not successful in their business of dress-making, they had troubles with each other and with not having money enough to keep going until they had customers enough to pay them. As I say Mary Maxworthing never liked the Maxworthing way of living, she never liked farming, it was to her a dreary way of living, she did not find it very pleasant taking care of children because it left her no freedom for living. She preferred dress-making and it was very disappointing when she was at first not successful in this undertaking.
They had not enough customers to pay them to keep going, Mary Maxworthing soon used up all the money she had saved up to begin this undertaking, soon then the two of them began quarreling, soon then they had for a while to give up dress-making; Mary had to go back to her place and once more begin to earn a living by taking care of children.
This was the way it came to an end for them the first effort for freedom, for Mary from nursery governessing, for Mabel Linker from sewing other people's cutting and fitting.
Mary Maxworthing had in her something of a despairing feeling when her undertaking came to such a helpless ending, when she had to go back to nursey governessing, when she had not any of the money left that she had been saving for five years for this undertaking. Mary Maxworthing always had a certain stylish elegance in dressing, she had a good sense for fashion and a feeling for gayety without any wildness in her living. There was nothing wild in her being, nothing reckless ever in her feeling, she had pride but not too much pride in her being, she had a reasonable amount of good sense and conscientiousness in living, she had started her undertaking with too much ambition for the money she had been saving and the talent she and Mabel Linker had between them. That is to say more money so that they could keep on longer waiting for people to know them or more distinction in their working might have kept them going; but with the money they had for waiting and the talent there was in the two of them they were too ambitious in their beginning. What they had between them was not enough for such an ambitious beginning as they had made of their undertaking. Mary Maxworthing liked distinction, she had a certain ambition, she had not much attacking in her for winning but she had a certain kind of certainty of successful doing; she had impatient being, she had a certain gayety in her being. Mabel Linker had not any sense in her to keep any one else with her from doing anything foolish, not that she would of herself have made such a beginning but she had not the energy in her for beginning, she had not the kind of sense in her for judging, she could never have any judgment of any way of beginning. Then they had trouble in their living. As I was saying Mary Maxworthing had gayety in being, she had very little almost not any anxious being; she had independent dependent being and attacking was her natural way of fighting but there was very little fighting in her being, she had in her as a bottom a little but not very much sensitive being; she had in her as a bottom almost not any stupid being. She had in her some impatient being, she could have in her a little injured being, she could have in her angry feeling, but mostly it was the impatient being that sometimes was nervous impatient being that made her interfering, that made her always sure of knowing, that was the stupid side to her being, that made the trouble between her and Mabel Linker when they were then working together. Mabel Linker had very little common sense, she had little twittering flighty ways in her but she was a good sewer, she was a good cutter and fitter, she was almost a brilliant dress-maker, but she had very little stability in her character. Mary Maxworthing began with almost an idolising of her and then there came trouble when they began living together. Then the money was all gone and they both had become a little bitter. Mary had then almost a despairing feeling in her. Mabel took it all as a thing that had happened to her and now there would be some other thing to happen to her. She took it not so much lightly as as a thing that was over and that was all there was about it to her.
This was only the beginning of trouble for her but she always took it as it came to her, not lightly but simply and flightily as it happened to her.
Mary Maxworthing had in her something of a despairing feeling at the failure of her undertaking, at her return to nursery governessing. At first she did not even get a position so she lived on with Mabel Linker who did enough work to support her. Mary Maxworthing had a miserable feeling then in her, she had not an anxious feeling in her because a living for her was always around her, she could always find people to employ her she had this always in her, but she had for the first time in her living in her a discouraged sense of failure.
Mary Maxworthing then had, for her, a very helpless dreary feeling at the failure of her undertaking. As I was saying it was not in her anxious being for she knew very well she never would have any real trouble earning a living but there was then for her no freedom in living, no distinction for her in the future. So she had in her, for her, really a despairing feeling. It was not a desperately despairing feeling but it was really, for her, a despairing feeling. She and Mabel Linker still continued to live together. Mabel Linker went to work right away for another dress-maker, it was hard work for her but this did not make really any very great difference to her. For a little while then Mary depended on Mabel Linker to support her, after a little while some one employed her to help out in a little store near her. She stayed there all of that summer. Later she went to a friend of the last person who had employed her as a nursery governess for her, and every one who knew her thought that the future now was settled for her.
Every one who knew her had a certain feeling about her. Every one who knew her had a secure feeling about her. There are many ways every one knowing any one feel in them the character of that one. There are very many ways then for people to feel other people around them. There are some who make almost every one who knows them have the same kind of feeling about them. In a way Mary Maxworthing was such a one. Mabel Linker was not the least bit such a one, almost every one who knew her had a different feeling. With Mary Maxworthing it was a different matter, some liked her and some did not like her, but whether one liked her or did not like her each one had about the same feeling about her, about the same estimate of her. It is a queer thing though with women and with men too like her, they can astonish every one and Mary Maxworthing had this in her. There are always many millions of women and of men being made like her. This is now a history of the feeling about her, the estimate every one who knew her had of her, of the thing in her that was a surprise to every one who knew her. The kind she is will then always come to be clearer. Always one must remember each one has their own way of feeling other people's nature.
There are then some kinds of men and women, some men and some women of some kinds of nature who have it in them to have every one who knows them have about the same idea of them. Some may like, some may dislike them, some may be indifferent to such a one but all of them every one who ever comes to know that one has about the same estimate of such a one. This is now a history of such a one.
Mary Maxworthing was then such a one. She had a certain gayety in living but no wildness no recklessness in her being and no one would think such a thing from the certain pleasant gayety she had in living. She had attacking in fighting but really very little attacking fighting in her living and no one ever expected not to have it more strongly in her being than it really came to be seen as it came out of her. She had no reserve of fighting in her, every one who knew her knew just about how much strength she had in her. She had a little impatient being, a little unpleasant temper in her, a little insistence on interfering in her, a small amount of pride in her, enough of sensitive response to make a reasonable sweetness in her, a little tendency to angry and injured feeling in her but not very much of this in her not more of this in her than any one would expect from her. She had a reasonable sense of responsibility in her, a reasonable efficiency in her, she was in short what every one thought her. She could still then surprise every one who knew her. She was still then really what every one had thought her. It was what no one who knew her ever thought of her that the quality of being in her could ever lead her to have a certain thing happen, it did happen to her, this is a history of her then and how she really was what every one thought her. She really was what every one thought her, every one who knew her had about the same estimate of her, every one who knew her was surprised by something that happened to her. This is a history then of what happened to her and then how later a reasonable success came to her.
After she had to give up the dress-making, after she had used up all the money she had saved for that undertaking she had in her almost a despairing feeling, not anything of an anxious feeling, a little impatient feeling, nothing then of an angry or injured feeling. She had not then as I was saying anything of an anxious feeling, she was always certain of being able to earn a living, she had no fear in her in living, she had a despairing feeling for the loss of freedom and possible success and distinction, she had an impatient feeling, not altogether an irritable feeling, it was more in the nature of a purely impatient feeling because she had to go back to taking care of children. This altogether made in her something very nearly a despairing feeling in her. She was then as I was saying still living with Mabel Linker. She had not yet found a position but this was not then worrying her, she knew she could always earn a living, she had in her then her kind of despairing feeling. Mabel Linker was earning then enough to support herself and her. This is now what happened to both of them.
Mary Maxworthing as I was saying was really whatever any one who knew her thought her and yet she now had something happen to her that surprised every one who knew her.
She had as I was saying in her then a kind of a despairing a little an impatient feeling, she had no really anxious or excited or fearful being then in her, she knew she could always get a good place for people always wanted her. She was then as I was saying not a very young woman. For the rest of the summer she finally began working in a store near her, then later she got a good position as nursery governess and everything was satisfactory to her. Mabel Linker was working then in the beginning of winter around in houses sewing but she expected soon to begin again working for herself, it was she now who had a chance in her of a future. Mary Maxworthing said nothing then of working with her. One day Mary Maxworthing took a day off to go to the hospital to see a doctor. She went alone not even Mabel Linker was with her.
As I was saying Mary Maxworthing was what every one thought her. Every one had about the same estimate of her. Something happened to her that surprised every one who knew her, surprised them that it should happen to her.
Mary Maxworthing had not any recklessness or wildness in her. She had very little weakness in her. She had a certain ambition a certain desire for freedom and distinction. She had no anxious being or fear in her, she had not very strong desires in her, she had a certain gayety in her, she had a reasonable sense of responsibility inside her, she had a certain delicacy and good sentiment in her, she was what every one who knew her thought her. She had a little impatient feeling in her. She went in to the doctor, the doctor asked her a few questions and then examined her, "you know what's the matter with you," he said to her. She grew red, she had a little impatient feeling in her, she had no fear in her and no angry feeling in her. "I don't know what's the matter with me Doctor," was her answer.
She had I was saying never any anxious feeling in her, she never really had any fear in her. She did have a little impatient feeling always in her. She had had after the failure of her undertaking a little of a despairing feeling. Now she did not have this in her. When the doctor said that to her she had no fear or anxious being in her, she grew a little red, she had a little nervous impatience then in her. "You know what's the matter with you!" said the doctor. "I don't know what's the matter with me," was her answer. The doctor was a young man, he grew angry and he told her. She grew redder, she had more impatient feeling in her but she had very little shame or anxious feeling in her, she had a little more impatient feeling in her. "You'd better get him to marry you," said the doctor who was angry with her. It is very interesting that every one has in them their kind of stupid being. It is very important to know it in each one which part in them; which kind of feelings in them is connected with stupid being in them. Sometime there will be a history of every kind of stupid being in every kind of human being in every part of the history of each one from their beginning to their ending.
There is then stupid being in every one. As I was saying Mary Maxworthing had very little stupid being in the bottom in her being, her stupid being was mostly mixed up with her impatient being with her possible angry or injured feeling. The doctor was angry at her saying that she did not know what was wrong with her, he thought it was stupid bottom being in her or a way of deceiving in her, it was the stupid being in her that went with the impatient being in her. Sometime this will be clear in her. The doctor then was angry with her, "you know what is the matter with you!" he said to her. She did not then say anything farther, she was not interested in what the doctor had further to say to her. It was of no importance to her. She had then finished the stupid being in her that went with the impatient being in her. She was through with being stupid in that kind of way of not knowing whether it had really happened to her. Later impatient feeling stupid being would be again in her, this will show in the later history of her but now she knew what was the matter with her; she went home and it got told to Mabel Linker. It was told to Mabel Linker, Mary Maxworthing told it very directly to her, "I don't care I want a baby, so much the worse for me getting it in this way but I want it anyway." Mary said this always after she had told her.
Mary Maxworthing then had a baby in her, it had happened to her and it was a surprise to every one who knew her who learned it about her. It was the very last thing any one would have expected to happen to her. One would have thought surely Mary Maxworthing would make a man marry her before such a thing would happen to her. It was a surprise to every one who knew her. But she was always then the same that every one thought her only, as she said, alright there is nothing to say about it, it had happened to her. That was the end of the fact for her, that was not the end of the trouble for her, that was the end of the fact for her. As I was saying Mary had stupid being in her connected in her with the impatient feeling she had in her, with the injured feeling she could have sometime in her. She had no stupid being as a bottom to her, by and by this will be clearer. Mabel Linker had a hard time taking care of her. Gradually the people who employed her knew what had happened to her. They were surprised too that it could happen to her, she said nothing to explain how it had happened, she said, alright it has happened and she liked children and now she would have one. There was no hardness in her, there was then no really anxious being in her. It had happened and that was the end of that matter to her. Soon every one who knew her had the same feeling about what had happened to her. Every one continued to have the same opinion of her whether they liked her or whether they did not like her as they had had before this happened to her, then every one who knew her had still the same estimate of her.
She was then without real anxious feeling, the people who employed her were patient with the impatient being then in her. Mabel Linker took good care of her and stood all the impatient being then in her, the impatient being that was stupid being then in her, the impatient being that was irritating then in her to every one near her, the impatient being that made her very interfering and rather nagging. This is now a history of what now happened to her and how Mabel took care of her, and of Mabel Linker and how they did and did not get along together, and what each one of them felt about the other.
Mary Maxworthing and Mabel Linker were from the same part of the country. They had always known each other. Mary was the elder. Mabel was about five years younger. Mabel Linker's cousin had married Mary Maxworthing's sister. Mary Maxworthing had always known Mabel Linker and had always been very fond of her. When Mabel came to Gossols to learn dress-making Mary almost idolised her. They were then always together, Mabel then always did what Mary told her. Mabel was then a stranger, Mary Maxworthing had already been in Gossols many years then and she took care of her. They got along very well together. As I was saying Mabel learned cutting and fitting and soon became very clever almost brilliant in dress-making, she had not the sense for fashion, she had not the sense for managing, she had very little sense about anything, she had to have some one to do directing and Mary Maxworthing did this for her in the beginning completely to Mabel's satisfaction. Satisfaction is not the right word for describing Mabel's feeling. In Mabel satisfaction was the not being aroused to escaping or resisting or in fact to any conscious feeling. Anyway they got on then very well in living and dress-making. Mary then had very little impatient being, her impatient being had then nothing nervous in it, not that she ever came to be a nervous person, her impatient being was not then too interfering and then too at that time she had for Mabel almost an idolising feeling. She liked to write down when she was sitting idling, "Mabel is an angel, angel Mabel," and this showed her feeling. She wrote this down with a pencil whenever she was sitting doing nothing, this was in the beginning when Mabel was learning dress-making, when they were first living together. It was much harder to know it about Mabel Linker what feeling she had in her about any one around her. It was always very hard to know this about her. Perhaps she did not mostly have any very strong feeling in her. It was very hard to know it about her. When she had a lover it was then certain that she was crazy to have him marry her, she only lived in having him want her. Mostly with every one else around her one never could tell what was the feeling in her. They got along then very well as I was saying when they first began living together.
Mabel then had become a good dress-maker, Mary had put together money enough and they began then their working together. At first things went pretty well and then they had some trouble living together and they had not then enough money to go on waiting for a future. They kept on however for some time living together.
Mary Maxworthing did not have in her really an unpleasant nature, she did not really have in her a nagging temper. She had very little in her of anxious being or attacking feeling that makes unpleasant nature. She had in her very little nervous character, she had in her a little impatient feeling, she had a pleasant gayety in her. Her stupid being and her interfering never came from anxious being in her, they were not really unpleasant nature in her, they came from the little impatient being in her and the fact that she had not a very large bottom in her to her, she had a little sensitive bottom in her, a very little weakness as a bottom to her, almost no stupid being as a bottom to her, she had enough sensitiveness in her to make a pleasant sympathetic sweetness in her, she had very little fighting or attacking in her; all the unpleasant and stupid being in her was with the little impatient feeling always in her, with the angry and injured feeling sometime in her. This is a history of how she and Mabel Linker did and did not get along together. Mabel had a very different nature.
There are many ways then that people have affection in them, there are many ways of having feeling about people near one. Each one then has their own way of having affectionate feeling in them. Every one has their own kind of affectionate being. Mary Maxworthing had her way of feeling about Mabel Linker, Mabel had her own way of having loving feeling. In every one there is their way of having in them affectionate feeling. In every one there is changing. Mostly every one has changing in them in their feeling about any one. Mostly every one never thinks about the changing the other one may be having in them. This is another matter though and now this is a history of the affectionate feeling and loving feeling Mary Maxworthing and Mabel Linker had in them and how each one affected the other one of them. As I was saying in the beginning Mary had for Mabel almost an idolising feeling, no one knew very much about Mabel Linker's feeling.
Mary had for Mabel then at first almost an idolising feeling. Mabel had a quality of brilliant dressmaking, and sweetness in enduring, and no certain expression of her feeling, and a certain freedom in doing that looked like courage in her living but was only that she never saw anything except the thing that then filled her, she never had any reflection in her, she had a certain shrinking fear sometimes in her but that was only when somebody stopped her, she had a certain flighty freedom in her, she was almost a brilliant dress-maker. She never had any ideas in her, she had not much sense of fashion in her, she had not such sense in her but that was not necessary for her, Mary Maxworthing would run her, when she first lived with her Mary idolised her. As I was saying the failure of the undertaking was to Mary Maxworthing a loss of freedom, a loss of future distinction. Mabel had very little of this feeling, she had not much more freedom working with Mary Maxworthing than in any other kind of working, not that she did not like it better, she liked it better but the failure did not make all the difference to her. Later it went better because then she had a husband to urge her. But this is all history that will be written later. Always later although they stayed together it was not as it had been earlier, it was not then an idolising of her by Mary and a yielding by her because she had no way to resist her. Freedom then in Mary Maxworthing was having her own choice in living, having some distinction. Freedom for Mabel Linker was loving one man and marrying him and working only under driving. She was brilliant then in working but she needed urging, she needed always some one else's starting. She had sensitive being in her to the point of creation, she was not of the kind of women that have instrument nature in them, she never did any one else's living, she always did her own living, when she loved her own loving, when she worked her own brilliant working, but always she needed other people to keep her going, to start her, to arrange for her, to hold her down when flightiness seized her; she always lived her own life in living, she needed other people to start her, to give a beginning idea to her, she needed other people to arrange for her, to hold her when flightiness was in her. She had no fighting in her, she had very little sense of escaping in her, she had some stubborn being in her, when she seized a thing she needed in loving or living nothing could pull it away from her. She needed very few things so much that no one could take them from her, she had no sense in her, generosity had no meaning to her she would give anything to any one even when they did not ask her, she held on only to the thing in living that was life to her, she had not any strong feeling about anything except the man she needed for loving, the man she married and who was everything to her, everything else could slip away as it would from her. This made an ingrate of her, she had no sense of any one ever doing anything for her for she had no need in her, they did it she never felt anything about it in her, that made trouble for her later, that made it later hard for Mary Maxworthing to forgive her, this is a history of the trouble it made for her. She had independent dependent nature in her but the dependent side of it in her to the point of sometimes exquisite creation was the whole of her. She had none of the independent side of it in her, she had no attacking in her. Stupid being in her was a negative thing in her, she had no sense for ordinary living in her, she had no sense of anything that was happening to her, she had not enough of anything in her beside the sensitive creation that was her to make any sense in her, this was the stupid being in her; that which was not in her was the stupid being of her, this made in her a lack of understanding and of living, it made an ingrate of her, it made very often a foolish person of her. Often it not being there made her flightiness control her, those who were not ever much interested really in her always said of her it was foolishness, silliness always in her, those who took a real interest in her said she had craziness in her. She had independent dependent nature in her and the sensitive dependent side of it in her to the point of exquisite creation was the whole of her. This is now a history of her, of her loving, of her marrying, of her dress-making, of her living with Mary Maxworthing.
When Mary came home from the doctor Mabel was told all that had happened to her. Mabel did everything any one could have done for her in all the trouble that then came to her. Mary Maxworthing had not a despairing feeling with the baby in her as she had had at the failure of her undertaking at dress-making. She had a little more now of anxious being, she had none of despairing feeling, she had very little anxious feeling, she had none of despairing feeling, she had very little anxious feeling, mostly it was impatient feeling that filled her and injured feeling that so much bad luck should have come to her. A great deal of impatient feeling, considerable injured feeling and a little anxious feeling was what then mostly was in her. She had none of the despairing sense she had had in her after her failure, this would not effect the future for her, so much the worse for her that it had happened to her, she liked children, so much the worse that it should have come so to her, she still loved the man, he loved her, sometime perhaps he would marry her. As it happened he did marry her, he married her when she was thirty-five, when she was making her new beginning with Mabel Linker at dress-making and was succeeding. He was a decent enough man and always wanted to marry her, his family wanted him to marry another girl who was richer, he had been away on business travelling all the time she had the baby and later, when he came back finally and could arrange it he married her. It was a successful enough marriage for her. Living was always successful enough for her.
But all this was much later now she is coming back from the doctor with some impatient feeling, a little anxious feeling and some injured feeling in her. Mabel Linker then did anything any one could do for her, the people who employed her were much surprised at such a thing happening to her, no one who knew ever would have imagined such a thing would happen to her, but it did not change their feeling for her, it did not change anybody's estimate of her. It had happened to her. Everybody was good to her, everybody except the doctor who had got angry with her. He was young then, he thought she had deceit in her, this was not true of her, she was as honest as most people are. I don't mean that she had any great honesty in her. She did not but she had medium honesty in her. In her interview with the doctor there was no deceit in her there was only the stupidity of impatient being in her.
She was as honest as most people are in living, she was as conscientious as most people are in beginning, to herself she was a little more conscientious than she really was in being, she could have in herself an injured being. She could feel that Mabel should have in her toward her a grateful feeling, she could have in herself an injured feeling, she was to herself more sacrificing, more conscientious, a little perhaps, not much more honest to her in her being than she really was in being or in living, she could have then injured feeling. Mostly, in her, she had more impatient being, more interfering, than she had angry or injured feeling. She could have angry and injured feeling.
Mostly one has injured feeling when one is to one inside in one's feeling more noble than one ever is in acting than one ever is really in being, one has then inside one injured feeling. There are many kinds of ways of having injured feeling in one. Sometime there will be a history of all of the kinds of them.
Sometimes there is much sweetness inside one to one's feeling and all the time nasty words are coming out from one, in many of such of them there is much sweetness in them in their feeling, many of such of them do not know that then mean or brutal things are being said by them, so then they have rightly in them injured feeling inside them when the others respond to the nasty things said by them to them. This is a very common way of having injured feeling in one, sometime there will be a history of all the kinds of them. Mary Maxworthing then had impatient being, she never knew that this really made her interfering, to herself it only made her want to have every one do what they were doing. She had in her a reasonably conscientious, honest being, to herself she had a little more of them and of self-sacrificing being than she really had in living. This could come to make in her injured and sometimes angry feeling. Just the kind she had in her of conscientious and honest being will come out more and more in the history of her as in her living it comes out of her.
She came back then from the doctor and then Mabel Linker and then her employer knew what had happened to her. Everybody then was very good to her. No one then who knew her changed then in their feeling about her, this had happened to her, she was always though what every one always had thought her. The doctor had been angry with her, but he was young and thought it deceit in her, it was impatient being that was the stupid being in her.
Mabel Linker was working for her living, she had commenced again having work to do in her room and in a small way had commenced again a business of dress-making though often she had to go out sewing. Mary Maxworthing, when she would have a bad feeling in her, came to Mabel Linker to have her take care of her.
As I was saying too, no one knew it about her what kind of feeling Mabel Linker had in her for Mary Maxworthing. Perhaps it will come to be clearer later. Anyhow she then took care of her, and it was not an easy matter. Mary had not even then anxious being in her, she did have very much then impatient being in her, it was very hard sometimes for any one to put up with her.
Every one has in them their own history inside them. In each one the history comes out of them in the repeating that is always in them. Mary Maxworthing had always in her some impatient being, sometimes it had in her more and sometimes less importance in her being, sometimes it had in her almost a different meaning from other times in her living. Mostly it was in her her stupid being. This came to be very strongly in her in the trouble she had in having her baby. She did not have then in her really any anxious being, she had then in her very much impatient being and feeling. Finally she did not have a living baby, after six months it passed out of her, it was her impatient being in her that made trouble for her, this is a history of what happened to her.
Repeating then is always coming out of every one, from the kind of being always in them. Almost always in the repeating in every one and in its coming out of them there is a little changing. In Mary Maxworthing it was always the same kind of impatient being, sometimes it was in her, impatient feeling, sometimes it was, interfering with every one around her and nagging and complaining, mostly it was not complaining, sometimes it was impatient being and stupid acting. Impatient being was almost always in her, stupid acting, it was not always in her as impatient feeling. In her trouble with having the baby come out of her this was mixed up in her. Always there was then impatient being strongly in her, often there was stupid acting in her from the impatient being always in her, sometimes there was impatient feeling in her. This is now a history of these things in her. As I was saying she always had in her, impatient being. As I was saying impatient being was the stupid being in her. It was not always active in her, it was at this time often enough active in her. She did not have in her so very much impatient feeling inside her. At this time with this trouble in her, impatient being was more than usually active in her, it came out in stupid ways of doing and not doing, she had sometimes, for her, a good deal of impatient feeling inside her. Mostly in her, impatient being was not impatient feeling in her. This is now a history of what all this did in her. As I was saying Mabel Linker took care of her. It was not an easy matter. Mary went to Mabel every time she felt badly inside her. She never would go to a doctor. This was the impatient being in her, this was the impatient being in her that was the stupid being in her, this will be clearer later. Mabel Linker took care of her and it was not an easy matter. She would not go to see a doctor. Finally at six months the baby passed out of her. She almost died when this happened to her. Mabel Linker had sent then for a doctor. It came very nearly being too late then to save her. This did not scare her until it was all over. She did not really know what was happening to her. She did not like it when she heard it later, she had no desire for dying in her. All that happened to her was from the impatient being in her. Impatient being was the stupid being in her. Every one has in them their own kind of stupid being, every one has in them a stupid part in them, this is a history of stupid being in Mary Maxworthing and Mabel Linker. This is a history of what happened to each of them, of every thing that was in them, of the kind of stupid being in each one of them.
As I was saying, at the beginning of their living together, at the beginning of their dress-making Mary had for Mabel almost an idolising feeling. No one ever thought about the feeling Mabel Linker had about Mary Maxworthing. That was not important to any one. Later every one who knew them came to think about it but this was in their later living; in the beginning of their living together, in the beginning of their dress-making undertaking, the feeling Mabel Linker had about Mary Maxworthing was not important to any one, no one knew whether she had little or much feeling, this was not important then to any one, not even to Mary Maxworthing. This was because of the nature Mabel Linker had in her. Feeling in Mabel Linker for any one was something no one ever stopped to consider, it was enough that Mary Maxworthing liked living with her, it was enough for any one who knew her to know that when Mary needed her Mabel took good care of her. Later, feeling in Mabel became more important to those that knew her. Later there was a question in the mind of every one who knew her what kind of feeling she had in her. Later every one came to feel about her that mostly she had not any feeling in her. Mary Maxworthing later felt this in her. Later every one who knew her accepted this in her. Some were never very certain about her. She was different then from Mary Maxworthing, she was a very different nature. Every one had the same notion of Mary whether they liked or whether they did not like her, she could surprise them by something happening to her but every one had and always kept about the same estimate of her. This is now more history of her. There are millions always being made of every kind of men and women. Some kinds of them have it in them to have a being that makes every one who knows one of such of them think that one a singular one but always there are many millions of such of them, as many millions of such of them as of them who have it in them to have every one who sees them think there are always many existing of their kind of them. More and more in living one finds this to be true of people around them. This is now a history of every kind of them of every kind of men and every kind of women who ever were or are or will be living, of every kind of beginning of them as they are babies and children, and now this is a history of these two of them, Mabel Linker and Mary Maxworthing.
There is always then repeating, always everything is repeating, this is a history of every kind of repeating there is in living, this is then a history of every kind of living. There is always then in every one, repeating, there are always being made then millions of every kind of being, there are always then living millions of every kind of men and women, there are and were and will be always existing millions of each kind of them, and the kinds of them from the beginning, and in every nation, are always the same and this is now a history of some of them. There are always then the same kinds of them and millions of them, millions of each kind there are of men and women always existing. Each one of all of them have in them their individual existing, their own history in them, their own living in them, and this is now a writing of the history as it comes out of some of them. There is then always repeating, there is then always individual existing. There is then always repeating, there is then always repeating in each one, in each kind of them, in pairs of them, in pairs of women, in pairs of men, in pairs of men and women. Always more and more in living it comes out how kinds of them in pairing are always repeating, this is true in loving, in friendly being between men and women. Sometimes in living one sees so many repeating, so many who seem when one knows them to be so individual there can never be any one anything like them, a pair of them with so individual a relation made up of two who are so singular in their being that it never seems that there can be others just like them. Always then one sees another pair of them and sometimes it is almost dizzying, it gives to each one of the pairs of them an unreal being, and then it comes again that one understands then that repeating is the whole of living. Repeating is the whole of living and by repeating comes understanding, and understanding is to some the most important part of living. Repeating is the whole of living, and it makes of living a thing always more familiar to each one and so we have old men's and women's wisdom, and repeating, simple repeating is the whole of them.
As I was saying pairing of friends and pairing in loving is always a repeating of the coming together of the kinds of them and this is not just general repeating but very detailed repeating, wonderfully alike the pairs are then in character and looks and loving and living.
As I was saying Mary Maxworthing and Mabel Linker were not altogether successful friends in their living. Later they both were married and then things went a little better for them, also they were succeeding then in their business of dress-making. This was when Mrs. Hersland knew them, when they were again living and dress-making in that part of Gossols where rich people were living. As I was saying Mary Maxworthing when she was having the baby taken, did not know how near she was to dying. All of it came from the impatient being which was her kind of stupid being. She did not know when the baby was passing how near she was to dying, afterwards she had about it almost an anxious feeling.
As I was saying it was hard on Mabel Linker then to take care of her. Not when the baby was passing out of her for then she had a doctor and was in a hospital with a nurse taking care of her, but before, when she would not see a doctor. She would not let a doctor see her, this was impatient being in her, she would not listen to Mabel Linker or to any one else who tried to advise her, she was full up with impatient feeling. Yes, of course sometimes she was bleeding, but she did not want to pay any attention; she was full up then with impatient feeling. Later after it was over and she knew how near she had been to dying she had for a little while less impatient feeling, she had then in her, some anxious feeling. This was the end of that thing for her. She stayed then a year or two longer with the same employer. During this time Mary Maxworthing and Mabel Linker saw very little of each other. They had had serious troubles with each other.
As I was saying when Mary Maxworthing first had Mabel Linker live with her she had for her almost an idolising feeling. As I was saying men and women, women and women, men and men do so much repeating, it is almost startling as more and more one comes to know it of them. The repeating is not only of the general kind of combining as to their being men and women, as to their being big and little, alike or contrasting, independent dependent and dependent independent, it is likeness of the type of character combining with another and these two are very individual in their being and their relation and sometimes they have in them a kind of being that makes every one who knows them think there can never have been any one like one or the other of them, surely never any two like the pair of them and then one goes on in one's living and then there is repeating of the pair and then another repeating of them and then another repeating of them and always one has about each pair of them the strong feeling of their having each one of them strongly individual being and sometimes it makes of everything a strange world for living and sometimes it makes to one's feeling the world a pleasant and familiar place for living. Strangeness has no place then in living, to one's feeling, it is a familiar thing, living, and to some, such a feeling is the pleasantest kind of feeling they can have in their living.
Mary Maxworthing then is very clear now in her being. She is very clear now to every one. There are many millions always living with her kind of being. There are in every country in every kind of living, they exist with every kind of training. Sometime there will be a history of five of them, sometime there will be a history of all of them. Now this is a history of one of them. Mary Maxworthing was what every one who knew her, whether they liked her or did not like her, thought her. She had not any recklessness or wildness in her. She had very little weakness in her. She had independent dependent nature in her but she had very little fighting in her, what seemed like fighting was mostly impatient being in her, she had very little attacking in her. She had a certain gayety in her, she had not good nature really in her, she had no heartlessness in her, she had enough sensitive being to make a pleasant sympathetic sweetness in her, that with the little gayety in her gave to her the charm she had in her. The very little attacking, the gayety in her, the impatient being in her, the certain practical feeling for fashion and for being a success, that was in her, gave to her her desire for freedom and a little distinction in the future. She had no sordidness in her, she had not much memory in her. More and more she will be clearer, in the history of her relation to Mabel Linker, in her relation to the man who later married her, in the way she came to the undertaking again of the business of dress-making.
As I was saying, during the trouble she had in her Mabel Linker took care of her. Later they had serious trouble with each other. Finally later when Mabel had a husband to urge her and Mary Maxworthing had a little money left to her they began again to be together, they more or less stuck together though they never really got along together. They had a reasonable success together. This is now a history of Mabel Linker and the nature in her.
Mabel Linker had a different nature. She had her own being in her. Every one has their own being in them. Every one has their own repeating in them. Every one is of a kind of men and women. Every kind of men and women is a kind of a kind of them. All the kinds of them are kinds of the two kinds of them. Sometime there will be a history of all of them.
There are then the two kinds of them, independent dependent and dependent independent. Mary Maxworthing was of the independent dependent, Mabel Linker was of the same kind of them but as one might say of extreme one end of that kind of them, while Mary Maxworthing was of toward the other end of them. This difference made an attraction between them, their being of the same kind of them made it that in the end they did not succeed in continuing friendly living. It is very interesting to know the range in one kind of men and women. This is now a little about one kind of them with Mary Maxworthing and Mabel Linker both of them of that one kind of them but at the two ends of that kind of them.
Men have in them and women have in them, some of them, independent dependent nature in them. Many millions of men and many millions of women are always being made of this kind, always about half of everybody living is of this kind of men and women. This is now a description of one part of them which makes one kind of this kind of men and women. This is a description of that part of them, that kind of them as women; later there will be a description of them as men. Always it is easier to know it in them, the details of a kind of them, in women, later this will be clearer in them. Now this is a history of the kind of them who have of them Mabel Linker and Mary Maxworthing. As I was saying the two of them had difficulties, later in their living, had difficulty in remaining friends, in beginning again with dress-making. As I was saying they had both in them the same kind of being, that is to say one was one extreme kind of such being, the other was almost the other extreme kind of such being and now there is a description of them in the kind of being there is in them, later there is a history of their living as it came out of them, always there is a description of their character as in repeating it comes out of each one of them. So then.
There are as I was saying the two kinds of being in women and in men, independent dependent, dependent independent. The first of these have attacking as their natural way of fighting, resisting in such of them is sometimes impatient or dull or scared or stubborn or pig-headed stupid or vacant being, is sometimes a continuing of attacking; resisting to the dependent independent is the natural way of fighting. Those then who have in them independent dependent being as the bottom of them have attacking in them as their natural way of fighting. Many of them have very little fighting in their living. This was true of both of these two who had independent dependent nature in them, Mabel Linker and Mary Maxworthing.
Those who have independent dependent nature in them may have practical and sordid nature in them but mostly they have not much earthy simple natural sense in them. This will be clearer as more of them come to be seen in the history there will be of such of them. As I was saying Mabel Linker and Mary Maxworthing had both of them independent dependent nature in them.
Mabel Linker had not an instrument nature in her, the sensitiveness in her made a kind of real creation in her, made her live her own living, do her own loving. To many there may be a confusion between the sensitive instrument nature that lives so strongly the lives of others that they seem to be their own creation and one like Mabel Linker. To any one that knows them well, sooner or later this comes to be clearer.
As I was saying then the instrument nature is one having sensitive being or power of idealising or power for seizing without knowing it other people's suggestion. If the seizing is their own volition that makes another being, that is not living other people's lives in living. So then there is a kind of men and women who have in them independent dependent nature in them and this is now to be a description of many variations in them and Mary Maxworthing and Mabel Linker, both of them, are of this part of the general independent dependent kind of men and women.
Sooner or later there will be histories of many men and women with independent dependent nature in them. As I was saying there is to be Martha Hersland and Julia Dehning, there is to be a sister of one governess, and one governess with such a nature. Now there are Mary Maxworthing and Mabel Linker.
Perhaps, always it will become clearer, the independent dependent nature and later every one will see it in each one who have in them some form of such nature. Later dependent independent nature will be clearer and every one who sees any one will know it sooner or later in that one their kind of nature and the kind of the kind of nature they have in them and that in repeating comes out of them. Now then to begin again with independent dependent being, now to begin with Mabel Linker and Mary Maxworthing.
To begin again then with the instrument nature, with attacking being, with sensitive being, with weakness or vacant being, with little, with much bottom being, with little or much attacking in living, with unified or with separated natures inside each one, as in living it comes out of each one. There are then many men and many women, more or less half of all that ever were or are or will be living, who have independent dependent nature in them. I will tell about it now in women because it comes easier to tell about it in them; more and more, then, I will tell about it in men. It is the same in men as in women but it separates a little clearer in women and so it will make a kind of diagram for a beginning. As I was saying I like to tell in the beginning, I like better to tell it about women the nature in them because it is clearer and I know it better, a little not very much better. One can see it in her sooner, a little, not very much sooner, but on the whole it is clearer, things are more separate generally in her, perhaps it is a little clearer in her, perhaps I know it a little better in her. As I was saying then, every one has in them their own way of being and this comes out of them in the repeating that is always in every one, in some it does not come to be very clear in them until their middle living, in some not until their later living, but sometime in every one the nature in them comes to be clear to any one who looks well at them, sometimes in their younger living, sometimes in their middle living, sometimes in their later living. As I was saying every one has in them their own way of eating, their own way of drinking, their own way of sleeping, their own way of resting, of loving, of talking, or keeping still, of waking, their own way of working, of having stupid being in them and coming out of them, their own way of having nasty feeling in them and coming out of them, in short then, every one has in them their own being and in repeating it is all through their living always coming out of them.
As I was saying more or less half of all who ever were or are or will be living have independent dependent nature in them, that is to say attacking is their natural way of fighting, resisting is stubbornness and in many of them the stupid being in them, many of them have as a bottom to them sensitive or weak or stupid being, some have attacking that is fighting as almost the whole of them. As I was saying this is all clearer in the women, as they have less in them a unification of these things in them, they have simpler reaction in them. Everybody knows this now in women and now this is a history of all of them.
As I was saying then there are a kind of men and women who have in them independent dependent being and some of these have instrument nature, others are of the kind of Mary Maxworthing, others of the kind of Mabel Linker. There are many kinds of them who have independent dependent nature in them and there are many kinds connected with these kinds of them and their history will come later; Martha Hersland and Julia Dehning and Mr. Hersland and many others who came to know the Hersland children in some part of their living were connected then were of such a kind of nature. It is clear then, independent dependent being is being when the natural way of fighting is attacking, dependent independent being is when the natural way of fighting is resisting. There are some who have independent dependent nature in them and have no attacking, no fighting being in them, Mabel Linker was such a one; there are some who have in them very little fighting in their living but all fighting in them is attacking and this is true of Mary Maxworthing.
There are then some who have in them sensitive being to the point of creating even to the point of fighting, there are some who have this in them; there are some who have in them sensitive being and this makes them live other people's lives in living, these may have fighting from attacking being in them, these may have fighting in them from the sensitive being in them that makes them live other people's lives all through their living. Later there will be written the history of such a one. These have instrument nature in them, they need other people's lives for life enhancing. Later there will be more history of such of them. There are some who have instrument nature in them without the sensitive bottom to them, with stupid or vacant or weak or vague bottom to them and an idealising sense in them and a stupid stubborn way of resisting to everything except the one thing they have made their living and this is always in such of them some one else's thinking, feeling or being. There are many millions always of such of them, sometime perhaps in Julia this will be interesting. So then there are many ways of having instrument nature in one. The dependent independents have it also in them, some of them, but with them, such of them as have it in them, it shows in different fashion from the independent dependent kind of them, such ones have earthy being, they have fear in them, that makes their way of being in them; later in the living of Mrs. Hersland and Madeleine Wyman and Alfred Hersland and young David Hersland dependent independent being will come to be clearer. Now then there is only independent dependent being we are considering. Later there will be more written of instrument being of this kind of them. Neither Mary Maxworthing nor Mabel Linker had this nature in them. So then to go on with them.
As I was saying Mary Maxworthing had gayety in living. She had very little fighting in her living but fighting in her was as attacking. She had very little fear in her. She had very little bottom to her, she had a little sensitive bottom to her enough to give a pleasant sweetness to her. She had a little weakness in her enough to make her a little yielding to attacking. She had very little stupid bottom in her, most of the stupid being in her was of the impatient being always in her. This was the disagreeable part in her, the little attacking in her was not enough in her to be an unpleasant being in her, injured and angry feeling in her was part of such attacking living as she had in her but these were not much in her. They were sometimes in her; they were in her when she had the baby, that such bad luck should come to her. They were in her about Mabel Linker, when to her thinking Mabel was ungrateful toward her. This is now a history of Mabel Linker, and of her and Mary Maxworthing living together and their having trouble with one another and of Mabel's loving and then their beginning again dress-making together.
Mabel Linker had a very different nature from the other. She had no impatient being in her, she had sensitive being in her to the point of creation. She had in her independent dependent nature. She had no attacking in her. This is now a history of her.
Every one has in them always their own repeating, always more and more then repeating gives to every one who feels it in them a more certain feeling about them, a more secure feeling in living. Repeating is more and more in every one the whole of that one the whole of every one, the wonder of each one is always more and more complete in each one as the repeating in them makes them a sure thing a thing certainly having being, makes for every one old men's and old women's wisdom, old men's loving and old women's feeling. Always more and more then repeating is the certain thing in every one. Always more and more then there is contentment in the secure feeling repeating in every one gives to every one. Always then there is excitement for every one in the certainty of repeating in every one. Always the wonder of each one as repeating in them makes a certain whole of them, comes to be a contentment to any one who sees them. Always then repeating is in every one and every one is a whole then and there is a secure feeling in resting in this realisation sometime one can have of every one. Repeating then is always in every one, sometime then there will be a description of all repeating and then there will be contentment in contemplation. Anyhow repeating is always in every one. Anyhow repeating is always in the pairing of two of them. This is now a history of two of them. As I was saying Mary Maxworthing and Mabel Linker both of them were of the kind of them having in them independent dependent being. Mostly for successful living two living together, man and woman or two women or two men, there should be in them the two kinds of them, one independent dependent the other dependent independent, one with attacking as the natural way of fighting, the other resisting as the way of being; but in loving and in friendly living this is mixed up in different ways to make a pair of friends for reasonably successful living. For loving to marrying to successful married living, there is always this combination, the independent dependent in one and in the other the dependent independent being. For loving then there is almost always this combination, in long successful friendly living there may be another mixing, a pairing of the same kinds of them. This will now be a description of some ways this is true in men and women, with every kind of nature in them.
Mary Maxworthing and Mabel Linker had then both of them independent dependent nature in them. Slowly it came out in them. Slowly they had trouble with each other. Later they began again together but that was then a business matter. Mabel had then her husband to urge her. Mabel's marrying made at first great trouble between her and Mary Maxworthing.
As I was saying, until Mabel Linker was full up with loving for the man who later married her no one ever had known what feeling she had in her about any one near her, about anything that happened to her. Perhaps nothing was important to her until loving filled her. Anyway no one ever knew what she had as feeling in her. She had as I was saying almost brilliant quality as a dress-maker. She had not much sense of fashion in her. She needed some one to urge her and start her. When a thing was suggested to her and she was pushed to begin she was almost a brilliant dress-maker. As I was saying no one knew very much what feeling she had in her. People who knew her had very different opinions of her. When Mary Maxworthing first knew her, first had her living with her, she almost idolised her. This feeling lasted in Mary through the beginning of their undertaking of dress-making. It died down in her when she had her trouble in her, her impatient feeling when they were not succeeding, her despairing feeling at the failure of her undertaking, her impatient troubled nervous feeling when she had her baby in her, her anxious feeling when she knew what had almost happened to her that her baby was dead and that she had almost died with her. And then Mabel Linker had her lover, Mary found ingratitude then in her, things got so that they could no longer live together. Then Mabel got married and much later when Mary had a little money left to her from some relative down in the country and Mabel had her husband to urge her, they began with their undertaking in that part of Gossols where richer people were living. Now they were more successful and things were different between them. Mary had now mostly the business managing and the excuses and the matching and the buying to do for the two of them and Mabel did the dress-making and she had in her with her husband's urging enough decision so Mary was stopped from doing too much interfering. They always did a fair amount of quarrelling but on the whole this time they succeeded fairly well with their undertaking. Then Mary married the man as I was saying, he had always wanted her to marry him and now his family would let him. His mother had not any longer any objection. Mary Maxworthing was succeeding well enough with dress-making, besides she saw that he would do it and it was not any longer any use objecting and resisting. This was about the time when Mrs. Hersland had them to make for her all her best dresses, all those she used for visiting.
As I was saying Mary Maxworthing when she had her baby in her had not then in her any despairing feeling but she had in her a troubled impatient nervous being. As I was saying, in their first living together she had for Mabel Linker almost an idolising feeling. She would write when she sat idling, "angel Mabel, Mabel is an angel," and this showed her feeling. She never thought anything about Mabel's feeling. Mabel was everything she wanted and that was enough for her feeling, besides it was almost impossible to know what Mabel had inside her. As I was saying Mary Maxworthing had gayety but never any wildness or recklessness in living. She had gayety in living, she had in her very little anxious being, she had in her always impatient being, she had some sensitive bottom enough to give with her gayety some attractive sweetness to her. Her gayety and her impatient being and what there was in her of attraction gave her some quality of domination, not so much as there was in her impatient being and interfering. She was then a pleasant enough person all through her living, she was a pleasant enough person with some quality of attraction. She was reasonably honest and conscientious in her living. In the beginning then she had for Mabel Linker an idolising feeling. When she was sitting idling she would often be writing, "Mabel is an angel, angel Mabel." She had for her this feeling, all through the beginning of their first undertaking. Then they had trouble living together, Mary was very interfering, she had a sense for fashion and she had given all the money they had for their beginning and Mabel never had in her any impatient being and she could endure a good deal of directing, but when they were not succeeding they began to have trouble between them. Not that Mabel said much or did much to show any changing in feeling but Mary felt that Mabel had not enough grateful feeling. Mabel never did have grateful feeling, after all she did the dress-making, after all she never thought much about Mary and her feeling, after all she was always willing, after all she never really heard very much of what Mary was always saying.
Mary Maxworthing had a certain gayety in living, she had ambition, she had impatient feeling. She had a certain power of domination, but not as much as she had impatient feeling which made her interfering and in a certain degree nagging. She had just enough domination to keep her from being too irritating.
Mary Maxworthing never had in her any grateful feeling to Mabel Linker for taking care of her, for doing all any one could do for her, while she was having her trouble with a baby. Mary was not like Mabel, she knew people should be grateful, she could have injured feeling in her. It was a little queer that she never felt that Mabel Linker had been good to her, that she should have any grateful feeling toward her; perhaps it was because then she had so much impatient being in her and impatient being was the stupid being of her, perhaps it was because Mabel Linker had never any feeling in her of doing anything for her. Mary told her to do something and Mabel did it for her, there was no anxious feeling in Mabel Linker ever; there was never any tenderness in her, Mary Maxworthing then had never any grateful feeling to her in her.
The idolising feeling in Mary Maxworthing for Mabel Linker did not change into something else in her. It just died out of her. Later when Mabel had gone away from her and was married Mary wanted to begin again with her but always again, when she got used to her, she had no strong feeling about her, she never had for her at any time, later, an idolising feeling, but she always wanted her more than Mabel wanted her. But Mabel really only needed the man who married her, Mabel never wanted anything else to come to her. Later with her husband to urge her she got to have more feeling for a future, she wanted then for him and for herself too then success in dress-making. She and Mary came together then. Mary had some money then and they began again in that part of Gossols where rich people were living.
Mary Maxworthing had then, when she had the baby in her, nervous impatient being, she had no feeling in her about Mabel Linker or any other person near her, the idolising feeling she had had for Mabel died out of her when freedom and distinction did not come to her, not that she had liked Mabel because Mabel could possibly help her to a future, not at all, but when Mabel was always with her, when Mary was not stirred up with planning for the future, when gayety was a little dead in her, when impatient feeling was in her, she had not any stimulation to have idolising feeling for Mabel Linker. Mary Maxworthing then had for Mabel, as for every one around her then, no feeling, she was full up with impatient being. Later then, when the baby was still-born and Mary knew she had been very near to dying, she had in her then anxious impatient, a little of nervous being, Mabel then had for her very little meaning, then later when Mary began to be herself again inside her Mabel had begun loving and Mary was disapproving. So there was never again a beginning in Mary of idolising feeling. Mary Maxworthing and Mabel Linker were not altogether successful friends in their living. Later they both were married and then things went a little better between them. Mabel Linker had a husband then to make her important and to urge her inside her. Mary Maxworthing did not have a husband until some time after Mabel had one, until after she had begun again with Mabel the undertaking of dress-making.
Every one has then in them their own way of having injured feeling, Mabel Linker had never in her much of this inside her. Later with a husband to urge her to be inside her her important being, she could have such a feeling. Luckily then Mary Maxworthing had not yet her husband and so they got along together.
As I was saying when Mary Maxworthing was having her despairing feeling she lost all feeling about Mabel Linker. Mary Maxworthing had this in her, many women are like her, many men have this too in them, they have in them negative egotism in them. Later there will be histories of many of such of them.
Mary was not a complete one of such a kind of them. This is the kind they are then. Mabel Linker was not at all such a kind of one. This is now a description of them.
Many women then are always of them, many men have it in them, mostly it is a kind of them that are made more as women perhaps than as men. Every one then has their own way of having injured feeling in them. As I was saying many have it in them when they have more self-sacrificing, more noble being in them than ever comes out of them in living, when they have a noble sweetness in them to them and they are unpleasant or lazy even in living. Many of them who have negative egotism in them have lazy being as the bottom of them, lazy or vague or empty bottom to them. Some of them are dependent independent, some are independent dependent, all of them mostly have lazy or vague or empty or very little bottom to them. Some have much bottom in them and never get it into motion. Negative egotism then is when one has enough egotism never to follow any other leading, never to live anybody else's life in living, always to have the best reason why every condition in living is the wrong place for them and not to have enough egotism to live their own life, to do their own choosing, to really be resisting. These then never have any real choice in them, they have not resisting in them, they have very good reasons why there is no place for them, why conditions are always wrong to them. Often it takes years to know them, they are mostly nice women with tender hearts and pleasant natures in them, they are many of them so stirring in their living that it is hard to know it of them that they have lazy being as a bottom to them, they worry so much inside them that it is hard to believe it of them that they have not it in them to be active in taking trouble enough to be really living, they are very many then of all of such of them, they have such very good reasons for not finding any place for living, it takes a long time when one is living with any one of them not to be taken in by the good reasons they have for not choosing. Even when one knows them well their reasons are convincing, there is such good reason always in them and they are mostly pleasant people with tender hearts or active worrying in them and lazy being in them. Laziness is in many of them not easy to know of them. Many of them seem actively in motion many of such of them who have really lazy being in them. There are then many many millions always being made of women and of men who have negative egotism in them. Some then are always existing who come nearer real egotism, these have not enough egotism for choosing, for living, some by attacking some by resisting make for themselves a protection, they do not do their own living but they keep other people off of them or clog them. There are many ways then of being in all these ways of egotism, sometime then there will be a history of all of them, a history of all of them, a history of every one, of every man and every woman who ever were or are or will be living, who have ever in them egotism, active, passive or negative.
Alright then, there is a negative egotism in many men and in women, in very many of them. Sometime then there will be a history of every kind of them.
As I was saying every one mostly has sometime in them some injured feeling. Mabel Linker almost never had any of it in her. Mary Maxworthing could have it sometimes in her. Mabel Linker had not in her any of the thing we have been just describing. She had in her individual being, she had in her sensitive being to the point of creating. She lived her own life in living. Mostly she was not doing much living, that is she needed urging to be working, she had flightiness in being, in loving she had her complete being, then she did real creating, she was alive then to her own feeling. Mary Maxworthing was more nearly of them who have in them negative egotism. She had a little gayety in living, she had a little sensitive bottom, but when she had impatient being as filling she had almost negative egotism. When she had impatient being then, she had not in her any sense of living, then all feeling for any one died out of her. Impatient being was not nervous being in her, it was not a bottom to her, it was sometimes the whole of her, it was stupid being in her. Mabel Linker had a very different nature.
As I was saying when Mary Maxworthing was looking to a future with freedom and a dressmaking undertaking and a little distinction, she had in her a sense of herself to herself inside her, she had in her a sense of living in her, she had something of individual being in her. She had then for Mabel Linker almost an idolising feeling, this was important feeling in her. When she had despairing being in her she had only stupid being in her, she had not negative egotism then in her, she was just going on living because life was in her. All that then was in her was the impatient being that was in her stupid being and despairing feeling, not really despairing feeling, but dull being in her. Later when she had a very little anxious being in her and a good deal of impatient being in her, when Mabel Linker was taking care of her, she was nearer to negative egotism, she had excellent reasons for all injured feeling in her, she had excellent reason why everyone should take care of her, she had excellent reason for it to be right to her that Mabel Linker should take care of her, all she had done for her and all the trouble she herself now had in her, and so it was right that she should have Mabel Linker take care of her, and that was the end of that matter to her. Mabel Linker had no injured feeling in her, Mabel never had in her any sense of any one doing any thing for her, mostly Mabel did what came to her, she did well anything she started to do because it came to her, she did brilliant dressmaking, it came natural to her, in loving she had her own living inside her. Later she had her husband to urge her, that gave to her a little more, always in her, a sense of herself to herself inside her. Mary Maxworthing then had good reason not to have toward Mabel Linker any grateful feeling. Mabel took care of her. She had come near dying, now she was through with that trouble, slowly impatient being came to be more nearly a reasonably small part of her, and this was now to her an end of that matter.
This was then the end in her of anxious nervous being, she went back then to her old work and was not hoping and she had then negative egotism as the way of living, she had a kind of negative optimism as a way of thinking. It was then that Mabel Linker began loving, it was then that she and Mary Maxworthing almost came to the end of friendly relation. This is now the history of the two of them.
As I was saying Mary Maxworthing then had for a little time no hope for future freedom, she had just then no prospect for marrying, she was commencing to have again a little gayety in living, she had in her then still impatient being. Mabel Linker had commenced to have work enough at home to keep going. Mary just then had no hope of commencing dressmaking with her again. Mabel was flighty then and had no sense in managing. Mary was not taking much interest in what Mabel was doing, she had in her some impatient feeling, she had in her then very little important being of herself inside her to her feeling. She had in her then not much real living, she had in her then negative egotism.
It was alright for Mary Maxworthing to have the feeling she had in her about Mabel Linker. She had good reasons then for the feeling in her. It was the end of interest for her, it was the end of freedom for her, Mabel had no meaning for her when she had no connection with her, this came to her when she had her baby in her from the trouble in her that left her no feeling for any other because she had no live being in her; later when Mabel was full up with love for the man who later married her there was nothing of her for Mary to feel in her, there had never been anything there really, for her, but when there was nothing else in Mabel Linker it had not made any difference to any one who knew her. Mary Maxworthing had then good reason for the feeling she had in her about Mabel Linker, Mary had had almost an idolising feeling about Mabel when they first lived together when they began their undertaking of dress-making together, when she would sit idling, waiting, dreaming, she would be writing, "Mabel is an angel, angel Mabel," this showed the feeling she had then in her about her. Then came the time when she was no longer hoping for the future, then there was some bitterness in her, then she felt Mabel should have more grateful feeling in her than she showed toward her, then came the despairing being in her and then the thing happened to her that surprised every one who knew her when her weakness and desire were more active in her because gayety and impatient being and ambition were then dead in her. Then she had not feeling about any one around her. Then there came to be in her, troubled impatient feeling, and Mabel took care of her. Mary was then full up with impatient being and Mabel took care of her like any other, neither the one nor the other then felt anything about the other. Then when that was over Mary knew how near she had come to be dying, then she had a little anxious impatient irritable being in her and then she and Mabel still lived together and then they quarreled more and more with each other for Mabel was beginning then with her lover and so she had then the beginning of wanting to escape, a little, in her. Then Mary was beginning to have her former being, she had begun again taking care of children. Mabel then was beginning to succeed well enough with dress-making to work at home and keep going. She was flighty then and uncertain in her working and Mary was always scolding, not for her own sake for there was nothing in it for her, but for Mabel's sake so Mabel could get along and not have people leave her disgusted with her. Mabel was very flighty then with no one to hold her, she was getting then fuller and fuller of love for the man who later married her. Mary did not want this marriage for her, he was a young fellow, Mabel's lover, younger than she was and a poor money getter. Mary did not then have for Mabel any idolising feeling, she did not take much interest in her, she always scolded her, she had in her an injured feeling because Mabel had no gratitude in her, no feeling for any one around her. This was true enough about her, Mary always had good reasons for the feelings in her, it was true enough Mabel was flighty and had no gratitude in her and had no feeling for any one ever excepting the man who later married her. And so they did not get along at all together, Mabel always had more and more escaping in her, she had not come yet to have any feeling of herself inside her, this came to her later with a husband to urge her to make her herself inside her, but she had more and more of escaping being in her, she was always getting more and more full of loving and she never had had in her any feeling for any one around her. Before, it had not been important to any one the feeling in her for then there was not in her, loving or escaping to make any one feel any lack in her. Now it was different and Mary Maxworthing had good reason for the feeling she had in her about her. Mabel was working then but flightiness was strongly in her and people who employed her often were disgusted with her. They did not leave her for as I was saying Mabel was almost brilliant in dress-making. Mary had no patience then with her, she had injured feeling in her for she was then not of any importance to Mabel Linker. She had injured and sometimes angry feeling in her then about her. It was alright for her to have then such a feeling about Mabel Linker, Mabel had flightiness then in her, Mabel had escaping then in her, Mabel was full up with love for a man who was younger and would never earn a living for her. Mabel Linker had then her own living in her. She was full up with love for the man who later married her.
Things then were always getting more and more unpleasant between them. Mary Maxworthing had injured feeling in her, she had impatient being then in her, she was always scolding, she wanted Mabel not to have such flightiness in her, she wanted to keep her from marrying. Mabel then had escaping being in her and she would then sometimes answer and it was then a continued biting chatter whenever they were together and they were always together, they could not keep away from one another. Finally things got so bitter between them that Mary would have nothing further to do with her. Mabel could marry and then when sickness and trouble would come to her she would know better. Mary Maxworthing would have nothing more to do with her or with her pauper lover. Mary had a hard feeling then in her about her, she had then impatient being and injured being and angry feeling that together were in her as a hard sense of knowing that bad things would come to Mabel Linker to punish her. Mabel did not pay much attention then to her, she was having a little trouble then with the mother of her lover. The mother wanted her to take another flat to live in and Mabel had no money to pay for anything and she did not want to say it to her going to be husband's family. Mary Maxworthing had then always more and more of angry feeling in her about Mabel Linker. She told her then to get another machine to sew on, that one was hers and she needed it now for herself and Mabel could go to her lover's family and get them to give one to her, she thought they were such nice people, let them show her. Then Mabel's lover's mother made Mabel promise not to invite Mary Maxworthing to their wedding and that was for some time the end of any relation between them. Mabel Linker then was married and she and her husband had a happy enough existence. The husband's family had to help them and then his mother died and then when Mabel met Mary they began to say "how do you do," again to one another. Mabel with her husband, who was a nice bright man, to urge her, got on a little better. More and more then she felt herself inside her. She was beginning to have work enough to occupy her. She had even a girl to help her. Later she and Mary got to be friendly again together. Mary had a little money left to her and with Mabel's husband to urge Mabel they began again a business of dress-making in that part of Gossols where rich people were living. Mary Maxworthing did the managing and the fashion and the excusing and the matching and the arranging for fittings and the arranging for paying and the changing, and Mabel the dress-making. They always had some trouble between them but this time they were successful enough with their undertaking. Later Mary Maxworthing married the man, as I was saying. They all four of them were successful enough in their living.
These then were the dress-makers Mrs. Hersland had in her middle living. The woman with the daughters, to do plain sewing and making over and putting on skirt braids and sometimes mending. Lillian Rosenhagen to make ordinary dresses for Mrs. Hersland and dresses for Martha and sometimes for the governess living in the house with her, and Mary Maxworthing and Mabel Linker to make her best dresses for her and once to make a dress for the last governess Miss Madeleine Wyman and there is now soon to be a history of this dress for her.
These then made Mrs. Hersland's clothes and clothes for her daughter Martha, sometimes for the governess living with her.
There were, as I was saying, in the middle living of the Hersland family, three governesses, a foreign woman, and a tall blond foreign American who later married a baker, and then Madeleine Wyman who was with them when Mrs. Hersland had in living, her most important feeling. This is now a history of the three of them and then there will be a little more history of Mrs. Hersland and Mr. Hersland and of them with them, and then there will begin a history of the three children, a long history of each one of them.
The first governess then was a foreign woman. She was a good musician.
It is very interesting that every one has in them their kind of stupid being. It is very important to know it in each one which part in them, which kind of feeling in them is connected with stupid being in them. There is then stupid being in every one. It was hard to know it in the foreign woman who was such a good musician and the first governess the Hersland family had living with them, it was hard to know the stupid being that was surely somewhere in her. It was hard to know her enough to know where to find it in her. She had a sister, in that way perhaps one could find it in her. This is now a history of her, and the sister and the Hersland family with her.
The sister was much younger. She was then in Gossols, then studying to be a teacher. She was always a little afraid of her sister. She always addressed her as sister Martha. It was very hard to find the stupid being in the governess even when she was with her sister. It was very hard to find stupid being in her then even when her sister was with her. She was then a woman nearly forty. She had been a governess ever since she was twenty. She had been, the last ten years, in America. She had brought her young sister with her, she wanted her to be educated to be a teacher, she wanted her to live in America where life would be easier. She herself did not like it in America, she wanted to go back to her old living where people spoke french and German and where it was natural for her to be a musician. It was not to her, natural to be musical in Gossols. She did not stay very long with the Herslands, her sister soon got a position as teacher and then the elder sister left her, she wanted then to leave America, this did not come to her, she got as far as Cincinnati and then somehow she never got farther. She stayed there and she gave music lessons and she never got any further and she stayed there always until she died there, and she never had left America. As I was saying it was not easy to know it in her the stupid being in her. As I was saying every one has in them their kind of stupid being. In almost every one sometime to every one it is clear in them which kind of feeling in them is connected with stupid being in them. There is stupid being in every one. It was not easy to know the stupid being in this first governess of the Herslands As I was saying she was a good musician. As I was saying she had been then almost twenty years in the occupation of governessing. She had been ten years in America, she had not much gayety in living, she had not in her anything of dreary being. It is then very interesting always to know the stupid being in each one. It was hard to see it in this one. It was hard even to see it in her living with her sister and in this way it often comes out in women. It was hard to know the stupid being in her for no one came close to her not even her sister. No one came close enough to her to know easily the stupid being in her. With some, you have to come close to them to know the stupid being in them. This first governess of the Hersland family was such a one. She had come to have some queerness in her. Was it queerness of herself inside her or was it governess queerness in her. It is hard to tell it in one when no one comes close to that one whether it is queerness in that one from the character, or from the life that one is leading, from conditions or to earn a living. There are many then who have queerness in them. This first governess of the Herslands was such a one, no one, not even her sister Olga even dimly inside her, ever was very certain what was stupid being in her. She had queerness in her but not enough to make a strange creature of her, just enough to keep herself together. No one was ever very certain whether keeping herself together was the queerness in her, whether it was governess queerness she had in her, no one was ever very certain of this in her not even her sister. To be sure her sister was a young girl when they were together. Later Olga the sister stayed in Gossols and her sister left her after having established her. There was almost twenty years between them, Olga was afraid of her sister, and then she was separated from her, and they never afterwards saw each other. And so Olga never came to be sure about her sister as to what was the stupid being in her. Perhaps it was the having to keep herself together. Perhaps it was the queerness in her. Perhaps it was the not having real queerness in her, just enough to keep herself together.
The first governess, then, did not stay a long time with the Herslands. It was not that any one of them wanted she should leave them. She did not make much of any impression on any of them. It made no difference to any of them her leaving or staying. She knew some funny foreign songs and the children liked to hear them and she was a good musician and that was all the meaning she had for them. As I was saying she had a little queerness in her but not enough to make her important to those near her. She had queerness enough to keep her together. As I was saying her sister was always a little afraid of her but she was twenty years younger and they did not live a long time together, her sister never came to know the meaning of queerness in her. She was to her, sister Martha, who gave the money to make her a teacher, who had given money so she had been kept at school after the father and mother had died and left her with no one to support her. Later when she had gotten a position and was earning her own living, she, sister Martha left Gossols and went to Cincinnati. They never again came together.
As I was saying the first governess of the Herslands had queerness in her, not enough to make any impression on any of the Hersland family in the time they had her, enough to keep herself together, enough to keep her sister from ever knowing any stupid being in her, enough as I say to keep her together, to make her. She had queerness in her. She had stupid being in her. Some have more and some have less character. This is the amount she had in her. Later there will be a history of her sister. There are then many being made, many always existing of every kind of men and women. There are always, there always have been, there always will be everywhere in every kind of living millions of every kind of them. There are then always many millions of every kind of men and women. In all the millions of each kind of them there are all degrees of successful living. Some kind have more successful living in more of them than other kinds of them. But in all kinds of them there are all degrees of success in living in the many millions always existing of that kind of them. The first governess the Herslands had with them was of a kind of men and women who most of them are successful enough in living and many of them come pretty close to complete failing but few of them completely fail in living, not many of them are really successful in living. Mostly they keep themselves from failing, this is mostly the successful being in them. Successful being in many of them is keeping themselves from failing. Some have more, some have less concentration in them, some have very much concentration in them, all of this kind of them have some concentration in them even if like in this one it is only as queerness, enough queerness to hold together the whole of them. This first governess of the Herslands, who did not stay a long time with them, had in her, dependent independent being. The two, dependent and independent being were so balanced in her that resisting was almost attacking in her, that dependence was almost independence in her. It never really came to be a force in her, she had enough concentration of it all in her to make it in a sense seem like successful being in her, it was just enough in her, the concentration in her, to keep her from failure, it was as queerness in her and that gave her for some who saw her, more concentration than was in her. There was just enough queerness in her to hold her together. There was just enough concentration in her to keep her from failure. There was enough queerness in her to make character for her. There was not enough concentration in her to make success or failure, there was enough in her to keep her from failure, to keep people from coming close to her, to make her younger sister afraid of her, to give enough dignity to her to keep her always from giving way or failure. There was not enough in her to make any impression on any one around her, though when any one thought about her they remembered her as one having character, more character than they felt when they were with her. She had dependent independent being in her. These were so balanced in her, that dependent being was like independent being, independent like dependent being in her. She was kept together. She had queerness enough in her to keep her together, to keep her from failure. This is a history of her. There are always many millions made like her, some have more some have less concentration in them, some have more some have less success in living. She always kept from failing to her dying. She never really had any success in living.
As I was saying she was a good musician. They liked her well enough, the Herslands, when she was governess to them but she made no impression on any of them. She did not give to Mrs. Hersland any important feeling of herself to herself inside her, to her feeling. Mr. Hersland had a theory of her in the beginning, he wanted to have a real foreign woman, a real governess with concentrated being, with German and french and who was really a musician. She was what he wanted then for his children and he employed her. When he remembered about her, when he saw her, or his wife or children mentioned her he knew she was what he felt they needed to have as governess in the house for the children. Theoretically, she was important to him, really she had no existence for him. What she was was just what he wanted for his children, a foreign woman who knew German and French well and was a good musician. Then he forgot about her for she had never when with them any existence for him. Then when she left them after a little while with them because her sister had become a teacher and so she could leave her and she wanted to leave America, when she left them Mr. Hersland thought it was better that the children should have American training. They were American, they did not need french and German, they did not need to bother about music then, they could do that later, now they needed strength and gymnastics and out of door living, and swimming and shooting. And that was the end of the first governess for all of them.
They sometimes saw the sister Olga who was a teacher in Gossols but she never talked much about her sister Martha. The children liked Olga, they liked her, they liked to tease her. Mr. Hersland gave her good advice, when Mr. Hersland noticed her he was attracted by her. Olga was very different from her sister Martha.
She had as I was saying independent dependent being in her. She had very much vague being as a bottom to her. She had all sorts of attacking to make attraction in her. Later the children made fun of her. Later the vague bottom in her was stupid being and nervous being and sometimes silly being in her.
No one who knew her would think of her as a woman of a spinster nature. She was round and pleasant and men liked her and she had constant attacking ways in her to give to her more attraction and men could be in love with her and she wanted to have attention from them and she made them when they were anywhere near her give it to her, made them sure of her from her actions toward them and she had as a bottom a vague being and later this was in her as nervous being in her, never as impatient being in her.
No one would ever think of her as a woman with a spinster nature but this was true of her. She was as I was saying a pleasant person, more, even an attractive person. She was round and kind and pretty in a fashion. She had plenty of attraction and she was full up with attacking to give to herself more attraction.
As I was saying no one would ever naturally think of her as a spinster but this was true of her and more and more later it came to be clear in her. Always she had attacking in all kinds of ways to give to herself more attraction and always she had as a bottom a vague being so that she was a ways being baffling, always making for herself a stupid escaping, sometimes not an easy escaping, sometimes she had to escape by accusation.
She had in her independent dependent nature. Attacking was to her a natural way of fighting, she was full up with vague bottom and all the rest with constant pleasing attacking, she had never in her any real fighting. There was no connecting her attacking with her large vague bottom, with the large vague bottom in her that made her baffling, that later turned into nervous being in her. She had a spinster nature. No one who knew her ever thought about it in her. They never knew this in her. Every one just thought it was stupid being in her. Later the Hersland boys made fun of her. Later there will be more history of her as Alfred Hersland comes to make fun of her, as Martha Hersland came to know her. Mrs. Hersland always kept track of her and was good to her. Mr. Hersland knew her in his later living when he had trouble. All this will be a history of her. All this will be written later. Everybody called her Olga. It was natural to be familiar to her.
There was then in the Hersland middle living this first governess who did not stay long with them. As I was saying when Mr. Hersland employed her, he was the one who interviewed her, she was the ideal for him. He wanted a real governess, a foreign woman with governess training, one who was a good musician, one who would talk french and German with the children. After she was with them whenever he noticed her he was certain that she was what he wanted to have for the children. When she left he had already in him a new beginning.
Now he wanted the children not to have their English spoiled by french and German. Now he was certain that music was a thing no one could learn when they were children. This was something every one should have in their later living, children should have freedom, should have an out of doors gymnasium, should have swimming and public school living, should have a governess who would live with them such a life and not teach them french or German, not teach them anything, just be a healthy person with them. And so this next governess was very different from the last one. She was a tall blond woman. She had no queerness in her. Later she married a baker. She was a healthy person. There was no trouble for any one to know her stupid being. But it made no difference to any one that she had stupid being, that that was almost her whole being, there was nothing that any one wanted of her that made her stupid being a trouble in her. Stupid being was the whole of her. It was alright in her. It was not actively pleasant in her. It was just all of her.
She was not a music teacher, she had no french or German in her, she just knew the ordinary things and not very well either. The children knew the stupid being in her. Every one could see it in her, it was almost the whole of her. She had no evil in her, not much of anything in her, there was a great deal of her, she was tall and blond and stupid being filled her. She did not give it to Mrs. Hersland to have in her much sense of important being in her. They all, all the governesses and servants and seamstresses gave some of it some time to her but it was to come more strongly to her later through the third and last governess, Madeleine Wyman.
It is very interesting that every one has in them their kind of stupid being. It is very interesting to know it in each one which part in them, which kind of feelings in them is connected with stupid being in them. It is interesting to know it in each one the meaning of stupid being in them, it is interesting to know what each one finds as stupid being in every other one.
Each one then has in them stupid being, every one has in them their own way of eating, drinking, sleeping, resting, waking, wanting things and getting or not getting them. Each one has in them their own way of succeeding in living, or in failing. Each one has in them their own way of being, their own being in them, and sometime there will be a history of all of them.
Stupid being then is in every one. Stupid being then can be in every one mixed in them with their way of eating, or their way of drinking, or loving, or working, or waking, or resting, or doing nothing, or having pleasant or angry feeling in them, or succeeding or failing. Some can have stupid being mixed up with part of all of them, with some or a few or all the things in them that come out in them as repeating to make a history of them.
The second governess was a whole being, mostly to every one there was passive stupid being in her in every moment of her living. This is now a history of her.
There are some kinds of women and some kinds of men, there are then some women and some men of some kinds of nature who have it in them to have every one who knows them have about the same idea of them have about the same feeling about them. Some have more, some have less interest in such a one, some who know such a one may have a liking, some who know such a one may not have any such a feeling, some may have dislike in them toward such a one, some who know them never think about them, but every one who knows such a one has the same feeling about the being in such a one, the stupid being that makes such a one. There is a kind of being then that is very convincing. The second governess the Herslands had living with them was such a one. She was a big blond woman. She had just had an ordinary education.
There are many ways of being what every one who knows such a one thinks them. There are many ways of being, there are many of many different kinds of men and women who give to every one who knows them the same feeling of them. There are many millions always being made of men and women who give to different ones who know them a different feeling of them. There are some, there are many of many kinds of men and women who give to every one the same feeling about them, Mary Maxworthing in her way was such a one. The second governess the Herslands had was a very different kind of such a one. Every one who knew her had the same estimate of her. The children laughed at her, they neither liked or disliked her, Mrs. Hersland had not any feeling about her. Later this one married a baker. He was a big blond man, and they got on very well together. She had children, she grew a little larger, her face was thinner, she was a little dirtier then, not very much busier, she never surprised any one who knew her. Her father and her mother had a dairy farm and they managed to get along. She had a brother who was to succeed the father. It did not make any difference to any one who was her father or her mother or her brother. No one ever had much interest about her, not even the baker, he liked her, they got along very well together, he gave the Hersland children cream-puffs while he talked to her. She married and sometimes later the children or Mrs. Hersland or Mr. Hersland would see her, she was a little grimier then, but nothing was changed in her, she was a little larger, her face and neck were thinner, she and the baker were satisfied with each other.
As I was saying men and women have many of them in them their individual feeling in their way of feeling it in them about themselves to themselves inside them about the ways of being they have in them. Some have almost nothing of such a feeling in them, some have it a little in them, some have it in them always as a conscious feeling, some have it as a feeling of themselves inside them, some have it as a feeling of themselves inside them as important to them, some have it as a feeling of being important to themselves inside them as being always in them, some have it as being important to the others around them, some have it as being inside them that there is nothing existing except their kind of living, some have it that they feel themselves inside them as big as all the world around them, some have it that they are themselves the only important existing in the world then and in some of them for forever in them, these have in them the complete thing of being important to themselves inside them. Some have it as a feeling of being important in them from things they are doing, from religion in them, from the ways of living they have in them, from the clothes they have on them, from the way they have of eating, from the way they have of drinking, from the way they have of sleeping, some have a feeling of importance in them from the kind of living they have in them and the others around them have in them, there are many ways of having a feeling of one's self inside one, there are many ways of having an important feeling in one, there are some who have in them a feeling of importance inside but not a feeling of importance of themselves to themselves inside them, there are some who have inside them an important feeling in them but not an individual feeling in them, there are many ways for men and women to have themselves inside to them and this is a history of some of them.
Mr. David Hersland had in him a feeling of being as big as all the world around him. He had his ideas of educating children. He was always full up with beginning. He was as big as all the world around him. He never thought about it in himself then, it was natural to him. Each beginning was in him such a feeling.
He had first seen the first governess they had and he had had a feeling in him that was the ideal governess for his children. She was a good musician, it was necessary then to him that they should have much music in their education. She was a good scholar in french and German, he talked to her about the way he would insist always that his children should talk french and German. She was an ideal to him, she was beginning to him, he would see to it that the children learned all this governess could teach them. He talked to her in the beginning often about them and his rules and wishes for them. Then she made no impression on him, she was not evident enough in the family living to attract his attention. She soon died out of him. Soon he forgot about the children and their education. Then she left them. Then he was angry with the children that they knew so little french and German. Then there was in him a new beginning, he thought it better for their English that they should forget all the french and German the first governess had taught them. They should not spend time learning music when they needed physical training, he would have a good healthy woman, not a too well educated one, to help them with their lessons and to see that they did gymnastics and swimming. This time he wanted a big healthy woman. He did not want a small one that had no color in her face and was careful in every motion. He wanted a strong healthy woman, one who knew something about farming, one who did not spend her time in reading or piano practicing. He had in him then a new beginning. He wanted a big healthy woman who knew all about farming. The second governess then was such a one. Her father and mother had a dairy farm and she was a big blond woman and she had red cheeks and she was not a musician and she did not know any french and German and she had had only an ordinary education and she knew nothing about spending her time in reading. There was no question that she was the ideal Mr. Hersland had then in him for a governess for his children. He never forgot about her altogether as he did about the first one. She was always some one to him, he liked big healthy women, she did not know much about farming but she listened while he talked to her about farming and about the children. Later he did not talk to her about the children, a little still about farming, but when he noticed her she made a certain impression on him. Later when she was married to the baker he would drop in to see her and eat a cake while he talked to her. He did not mind much that she was larger then and paler and a little dirtier in her dressing a little sordider, grimier. She was not important ever to the children but this will come out later in the history of the children as it will be written of each one of the three of them.
There are many ways for men to have loving in them and loving come out from them. Some men have it in them in their loving to be attacking, some have it in them to let things sink into them, some let themselves wallow in their feeling and get strength in them from the wallowing they have in loving, some in loving are melting strength passes out from them, some in their loving are worn out with the nervous desire in them, some have it as a dissipation in them, some have it as they have eating and sleeping, some have it as they have resting, some have it as a dissipation of them, some have it as a clean attacking, some have it as a simple beginning feeling in them, some have it as the ending always of them, some of them are always old men in their loving.
Every one then every man and every woman have then their own feeling in loving, their own way of feeling in religion, their own way of laughing, of eating, of drinking, of going on living, of taking what comes to them, of looking for things to irritate them or content them, their own way of beginning and of ending.
Mr. Hersland then had his own way of being in him. The governesses had each one their own way of being in them. Each one had a certain effect on him.
It is very interesting that every one has in them their kind of stupid being. It is very important to know it in each one which part in them, which kind of feeling in them is connected with stupid being in them. There is then stupid being in every one. There is in every one their own way of living, of eating, of drinking, of beginning and ending, remembering and forgetting, of going on and stopping. There is then in every one their own way of responding to things, to any one that touches them, to everything in living. There is in every one repeating. There is in every one a different way of repeating in their beginning and in their middle living and in their ending. Sometime there will be a complete history of every one and of all the repeating in them.
Eating and sleeping then and drinking and being loving and working and waking and resting and doctoring and having religion and beginning and ending. Mr. Hersland was now in the beginning of his middle living. He was beginning then his habits of middle living. He was beginning then his regular country house living and governesses were then part of the regular living he had in him, with his eating and sleeping and talking and beginning. Habits were beginning in him. Repeating is always in every one, it settles in them in the beginning of their middle living to be a steady repetition with very little changing. There may be in them then much beginning and much ending, but it is steady repeating in them and the children with them have in them the pounding of the steady march of repeating the parents of them have in them. Mr. Hersland then was beginning to have in him his repeating of beginning middle living. He had then in him eating and sleeping and hygiene and much beginning and hearty laughing and impatient being and a kind of interest in some people near him and some brushing away of his wife from around him and his regular derangements in his stomach and in his dieting. He had in him then the beginning of his middle living.
Every one, then, as I was saying, have in them, always, repeating. Every one who does not die before then has in them the steady pound of repeating in the beginning of their middle living. It becomes then more and more part of them, their way, their way of drinking, their way of beginning and of ending, their way of talking, of laughing, of having impatient being in them, their way of being attracted by women and by men.
There was then the beginning of middle living now in Mr. Hersland. It was in him then already in the beginning of their living in Gossols and having the first governess for the children. For Mrs. Hersland it was not yet in beginning. It came to her later with the governess Madeleine Wyman. A part then of middle living in Mr. Hersland was his way of educating his children; his daily habits then in his country living with his wife and his children and a governess to teach them. The ideas in him then about their education were his habits of beginning middle living. The attraction each governess had or had not for him, the impression she made or did not make on him was all part of his middle living. Later in the ending of his middle living it came to be a more sodden repeating. Now repeating was in him a varied vigorous pounding. This is now a description.
Mr. Hersland, as I said once when speaking of the kind of loving he had in him, Mr. Hersland had then in the beginning of his middle living, had his wife to content him. She was then a pleasant feeling in him, she was then a little of a joke to him, she had then still a little resisting for him, he then did not much brush her away from around him, he did not then forget about her existing, in his feeling, she was then still important to him. As I was saying, then in their younger living, still in the beginning of his middle living she gave him all the stimulation he needed to attract him, for his loving; he was not then yet full up with impatient feeling, he had then yet a pleasant feeling in living and her resisting was important enough to him to hold him. Later he needed more to fill him, in his latest living when he was shrunk away from the outside of him, when he had not enough beginning enough impatient feeling to fill him, he needed then another kind of woman. This will come out later in the later history of him.
At this time then in this beginning of his middle living he had in him a cheerful sense of being, he had enough contentment from his wife, he did not then need much stimulation. He had in him then some impatient feeling but this was not yet very strongly in him. It came to be in him then when he was going to be very soon ready for a new beginning. It was in him then when there was an end then of something or it was continuing too long to suit him, whether it was his own or some one else's talking, whether it was his own or some one else's doing, that never made any difference to him, it was the sense in him of a new beginning that gave to him impatient feeling.
In the beginning of his middle living then some women were attractive to him. It was not then much of a need in him. Mostly then it was a joke to him. Later he had more need in him. This will come out in the later history of him.
There are many ways then of having some feeling about people near one. This is different in different parts of the living in one. Now this is a history of the middle living of Mr. Hersland, of the beginning and middle of his middle living. Later there will be a history of the ending of his middle living and then of his later living, in the written history of his children.
There are many ways then that one has feeling for people near them. This is now a history of feeling in Mr. Hersland in the beginning of his middle living.
As I was saying he selected the two first governesses for his children, the first was his ideal of a governess for them then, a woman with governess training, a good musician and having a thorough understanding of french and German. She was his ideal then. When he told her what his ideals were for his children, she made an impression on him. Mostly, later, he never noticed her, she made no impression on him, sometimes later when she listened while he told her what he knew about education she made some impression but it was always a reflection, it was only when she was listening that she made an impression and that was only by virtue of her training, the listening of somebody so welltrained in education made an impression on him, it was her training it was never herself that made an impression on him. When she left the Herslands he had not any longer much interest in talking to her training, he was already then full up then with a new beginning.
He had then a feeling that he wanted a big strong healthy woman to be with his children. They could get enough education from public schools and reading, he had had that kind of education, it would be the best thing for them. He told the governess what he wanted she should do for the children, what his ideas were about them. She listened to him but her listening was not stimulating, but she made an impression, he liked well enough to notice her then and later when she was married to the baker, when she was larger then and a little grimy he still liked to see her, he would stop by at her shop where she was sitting attending to the custom and he would eat a cake there and ask her how she was getting on and he liked that much contact with her. Later there was a third governess Madeleine Wyman.
Mr. Hersland then in the beginning of his middle living wanted mildly a little attraction in women but mostly then it was not a need in him, his wife then was existent to him, he liked well enough a little looking at women who made on him then some impression. So he liked a little to be with the second governess when she was with them and later when she was married to the baker. She was a big blond woman. She made a mild impression on him. He liked to give her advice and talk about little things and later to eat a cake while she sat there sewing. This was the beginning of his middle living. There was then in Mr. Hersland in the beginning of his middle living beginning to be very completely in him as repeating his way of eating, of thinking, of laughing, of talking, of beginning, of having impatient feeling, of being attracted by women. There was then in him beginning accented repeating that later would be louder and have less changing in repeating. Later what was now an attraction to him would be then a need in him, later there will be a history of him. Now there is enough history of him. Now there will be a history of Mrs. Hersland and the important feeling she had in her with the third governess Madeleine Wyman. Mr. Hersland had then in him now the beginning of his middle living repeating. This is clear now in him. Later there will be more description of this being in him as his children and his children's friends get to know it in him. The kind of loving women and men have in them and the ways it comes out from them makes for them the bottom nature in them, gives to them their kind of thinking, makes the character they have all their living in them, makes them then their kind of women and men and there are always many millions made of each kind of them.
The kind of loving then women have in them and the ways it comes out from them makes for them the bottom nature in them, gives to them their kind of thinking, makes the character they have all their living in them, makes them their kind of women and there are always many millions made of each kind of them.
Some women have it in them to love others because they need them, because these somehow are important to them, because somehow these they have for loving belong to them, many of such of them subdue the ones they need for loving, they subdue them and they own them; some of them who have it to be of this kind of women have it in them so lightly in them this being in them as to be almost of no importance to those they have around them in their living, to have their children belong to them only as a part of them inside them, these are of the kind of them who always own their children who subdue those they need in loving but these of this kind of women have it to have this that is them very gently in them and Mrs. Hersland was of such a kind of them, these have it in them to be it so gently in them that it never comes out in them with some it comes out a very little in them, these then have it to be so timidly in them some so dimly in them, some so gently in them, some so slightly in them that their children are only a part of them as having been once in them, it is with such of them only in such a way that they can ever own them; some of such a kind of them have it all so peaceably inside them that they have not in them the feeling of being themselves inside them, it takes some one around them to need them to be owned by them to make such a kind of one own them, to make such of them feel it inside them that they are themselves inside them, to give to them anything of an important feeling. There are then this kind of women many of them are very dependent all through their living but a little in them is an independent feeling and this comes out in them when there is any one around them who makes them own them and with such a one they are important inside them any moment in their living. These are of the dependent independent kind of men and women. Mrs. Hersland had a very little such a feeling with her husband when she was first married to him, she had it in her when she was a little resisting to him; she never would have had much more in her if she had gone on living the life that was for her the natural way of being, she had it a little more in her feeling with the Shilling family in her hotel living, it came to be strongest in her in her living with a governess and a seamstress and servants in the house with her and, for her, poor people, around her, with always inside her country house feeling of right rich living, with nothing in her daily being of such a living, which was the natural way of living for her. She had it then in her to feel herself inside her and it was then strongest in her and came out in her with the governess Madeleine Wyman who was for her the one who in all her living was the one whom she had power over, not as part of her, as her children were to her, but as outside of her. She fought with the family of Madeleine Wyman for her, she had a feeling then of herself inside her.
There are then two kinds of women, those who have dependent independence in them, those who have in them independent dependence inside them; the first ones of them always somehow own the ones they need to love them, the second kind of them have it in them to love only those who need them, such of them have it in them to have power in them over others only when these others have begun already a little to love them, others loving them gives to such of them strength in domination. There are then these two ways of loving there are these two ways of being when women have loving in them as a bottom nature to them, there are then many kinds of mixing, there are many kinds of each kind of them, some women have it in them to have a bottom nature in them of one of these two kinds of loving and then this is mixed up in them with the other kind of loving as another nature in them but all this will come clear in the history of all kinds of women and some kinds of men as it will now be written of them.
In the Hersland family during the middle part of the family living when the children were beginning to have in them their individual living, when Mrs. Hersland was beginning to have strongest inside her her own important feeling, when Mr. Hersland was strongest in beginning and making his great fortune, during this middle living they had as governess with them Madeleine Wyman and this is now part of her history with them.
As I was saying some women have it in them to own those who love them, to subdue such then, these are of them who have dependent independent nature in them, they have resisting in them as their way of fighting. Some who have independent dependent nature in them and have attacking in them as their way of fighting, and have much strength in attacking have this way of subduing those they need for loving, this is another kind then of subduing from that in Madeleine Wyman or in Mrs. Hersland. Later there will be a history of all the kinds who have attacking subduing in them. Now there is a history of Mrs. Hersland and the moment she had in her with Madeleine Wyman as governess to her children and living with her, the time in her of the strongest being of herself inside her to her. This is now some of this history in her. This is now some of the history of Madeleine Wyman. This is now a history of the Wyman family and the struggle Mrs. Hersland made to keep Madeleine Wyman as governess in the house with her. This is the history of the nature in Mrs. Hersland and in Madeleine Wyman and in every member of the Wyman family. This then is to be now a long history of Madeleine Wyman. This is a history of the affection and the knowledge and the stupid being in her and the loving and the later living and the marrying of her and the death of her husband and her later living and her power of owning and subduing what she needed for loving and the nature in her and Mrs. Hersland's feeling for her and Mrs. Hersland's feeling inside her from the being with her and Mr. Hersland's feeling for her. Then later, in the history of the Hersland children, there will be more history of her. Now this is a fresh beginning. And now there will begin a long description of her. Many women have sensitive being in them. Many have it as a bottom to them. Some of such of them have attacking as their way of fighting, some of such of them have resisting as their way of winning. Some of such of them have yielding of them as their way of subduing, some of such of them have resisting as their way of subduing. Some have weakening in them from the sensitive being as the bottom of them, some nervous being, some creating, some loving, some suffering, some yielding, some resisting. Mrs. Hersland had sensitive being as the bottom to her being, sometimes this was in her as suffering, sometimes as loving, sometimes as resisting.
Some then who have sensitive being as the bottom of them, some then of the many of them who have sensitive being as the bottom in them and have dependent independent nature in them, have resisting as their natural way of fighting, many then of this kind of them who have sensitive being as the bottom of them have not in much of their living much resisting. Many of such of them have not in their living very much fighting. Some have only for a little bit of their living real resisting in them, then they do not make any concession, then they have real resisting in them. Then the sensitive being in them turns into resisting being in them, this may lead to stupid acting by them, it is not stupid being in them, it is the way of fighting that should mean winning for them, when they have not enough in them for winning it often makes stupid acting, in them, it is not stupid being in them. Mrs. Hersland was such a one and it will come out in her living when she is herself inside her to her feeling. If came out a little in her in her loving, when she was young and a little resisting to her husband then to subdue him. It never showed in her with her children, not even when she was resisting her husband for them, resisting in her then was more nearly then attacking, it was defending them against him, sometimes it was real, resisting against him, it never was in her ever in her relation to any of them, they were always inside her to her feeling or they were big around her, too big and she was lost among them. She never had any feeling of herself to herself inside her ever with any one of the three of them. In her relation to servants and governesses and the families of them when any of such ones tried to be interfering then she was to herself then complete in resisting, then to herself she had not any concession ever to make to any one of them. She could have sharp angry indignation then, she could have strongly then inside her resisting, she never then could have inside her any conceding. She then often did very stupid acting, it was not in her, this resisting, stupid being, it was that sensitive being was not in her to the point of really creating resisting. It was that made her resisting then stupid acting, it was not in her then stupid being. This is clear now.
Mrs. Hersland to herself was never cut off from rich right living. She was to herself cut off from Bridgepoint living, from eastern travelling, from southern feeling, she was not to herself cut off from rich living, she was to herself part of this being, in her Gossols living. She did not do much visiting but she was to herself always part of such living. She was to herself cut off from her family living, she was cut off from Bridgepoint living, she was in the west and eastern living was natural to her being. She had done travelling when she was younger, travelling with a cousin and a sister, she was now to her feeling cut off from such living. She was never to her dying, to herself, cut off from right rich being. She did not do much visiting, she was part of right rich being. This was herself in her feeling.
She was cut off from Bridgepoint living, from travelling, from eastern living, she had this to herself in her feeling, later she went to Bridgepoint and she was a princess to them, she was a rich woman, Mr. Hersland had then just made his great fortune. She was a princess to them, she was not of them, she never was to herself ever after the beginning of her Gossols living, ever again part of Bridgepoint living. She was always to herself cut off from eastern living, from her family being. As I was saying when she went much later on a visit to Bridgepoint she was a princess to them. Earlier her early eastern living was a romance to her feeling. Always it was a romance to her feeling. Always even after she had visited them and been like a princess to them, for them, with them, eastern living was a romance to her feeling. Always she was cut off from eastern living, she never was to herself cut off from ordinary right rich being.
Always then, eastern living, her early travelling, was a romance to her feeling, it was later a little a romance to her children. Later they had a sore feeling that their third governess shared it with them, that she owned the romance of the early living more than they owned it in them, more than it belonged to their mother in their feeling, it belonged then to Madeleine Wyman to their feeling, she owned the romance of their mother's early living, she owned then, later to their feeling, their mother's living, they had no freedom in their mother's living, later, in their feeling, Madeleine Wyman had the romance of their mother's early living as her possession. This was later a little a sore feeling in them, later when their mother's romance was no longer interesting to them, Madeleine Wyman had then come to own their mother and their father, to them. This was always a sore feeling in them. Mrs. Hersland had then all through her living her feeling of being always a right part of right rich ordinary being. Her children then were more of them the poor people living near them than they were of their mother's living then, though they were all of their mother's being then, all of her daily living then. Her husband was beginning then to be more then of the daily living around him than she was of him, of the men and women near them, not so much as the children were then but more than she ever could be in her feeling. He was then in the beginning of the middle part of his middle living, soon then he would begin to be more full up with impatient being. The children then as I was saying were more then of the living of the, for her, poor queer people around them than they were of their mother's living then. Her husband Mr. Hersland was beginning to have in him more feeling of brushing people away from around him, of being of them whoever it was that was at the moment near him. It was then, Mrs. Hersland had in her, strongest inside her, her feeling of herself to herself in her, she had then her strongest feeling of important being in her of herself inside her and she had this with Madeleine Wyman living in the house with her.
There are many ways of being, there are many ways of loving. Some subdue the ones they need for their loving. There are many ways of subduing. There are many ways of owning other ones around one This is a history of some of them. This is a history of two of them.
The Hersland family, then, had three governesses living with them. There was the first one, the good musician with a regular governess training, there was the second one without too much education, there was a third one and this is now a history of her.
This is now a history of her with her family, with Mr. Hersland, with Mrs. Hersland, with every one she ever knew in her living from its beginning to its ending.
This is now a beginning of the history of her, Mrs. Hersland talked a great deal to her. Madeleine always listened to her. This is now a history of their talking to each other. This is now a history of how they owned each other.
It is very interesting that every one has in them their kind of stupid being. It is very important to know it in each one which part in them which kind of feeling in them is connected with stupid being in them. There is then stupid being in every one.
There is then stupid being in every one, there is some subduing, some escaping in every one, there is some resisting and some attacking in every one. It is interesting to know it in each one what in them is stupid being for them, what kind of acting is stupid being in them, what kind of stupid acting is or is not stupid being in them. Sometime some one will know it of every one, what is and what is not stupid being in each one. This is now a history of two of them. This is now a history of more of them. This is now a history of Mrs. Hersland and Madeleine Wyman and the subduing power in each one of them and the escaping in each one of them and the resisting and attacking in each one of them and the stupid being in each one of them and the important being in each one of them. There is then now to be a history of the two of them, there is then now to be a history of the two of them and of all of the others near them, of the servants living in the house with them, of Mr. Hersland and later of the three Hersland children, of the Wyman family, the father and the mother and the two sisters and the brother of Madeleine Wyman. There is now then to be a history of all of these then, of Mrs. Hersland and Madeleine Wyman and of every one near them or connected with them. There was then as I was saying in Mrs. Hersland when Madeleine Wyman was living as governess with them, the time in her living when she had in her her completest feeling of being herself inside her in her feeling. This is now then a description of her being.
As I was saying Mrs. Hersland was never to her feeling, cut off from rich right living. She was to her feeling cut off from her family and from eastern living and eastern travelling. She was to herself cut off from it to her feeling even when later she went to Bridgepoint to visit her early living. She was always to herself then cut off from her early being. Later Madeleine Wyman owned this early being. The three children later in their living had the feeling that Madeleine Wyman owned their mother's early Bridgepoint being, it gave to them a sore feeling. This is now a history of how the third governess Madeleine Wyman came to own Mrs. Hersland's early being and how Mrs. Hersland with Madeleine Wyman as governess in the house with them came to have in her her most important being of herself inside her and what feeling and being Mr. Hersland had in him.
Mrs. Hersland was never important to her children excepting to begin them. She never had a feeling of herself to herself from them. She was of them until they were so big that she was lost among them, she was lost then between them and the father of them.
Mrs. Hersland was never important to her children excepting to begin them. She was never, even to them, important to their being, they had later a sore feeling in them because Madeleine Wyman owned their mother and a little their father, entirely their mother later to them, they had a sore feeling in them, not because their mother was ever important to them, but she had made them, she so belonged to them, she was so part of the personal being of each one of them. Madeleine Wyman owning their mother, was to them, not an owning of them, but a cutting off a piece from each one of them. Their mother then was of them, they were not of her then excepting, as she was making them, Mrs. Hersland was never important to her children excepting to begin them.
Later there will be more history of the little sore feeling the children had in them because of Madeleine Wyman, who was married then, and their mother was no longer living, of Madeleine Wyman owning the mother of them. Later then in the history of each one of them there will be a description of the sore feeling they each one had in them at Madeleine Wyman's owning the mother of them and a little the father of them. Not that Madeleine Wyman had any influence over any of them, over the mother or the father or any one of the children. It was nothing of such a thing that happened to them. It was that she owned the mother of them by living in her feeling their mother's early living, by being the reason of their mother having in her then when Madeleine Wyman was with them the being herself to herself more inside her in her being than at any other time in all her living. So Madeleine Wyman owned Mrs. Hersland, to her children. She a little owned Mr. Hersland for them but that was mostly in so much as he belonged to the mother of them. Madeleine Wyman to them, to the children, never owned them, it was only the parents of them that she held in her possession. It was not a sore feeling ever in any one of the three of them that owning their mother and a little their father that she ever the least bit owned any one of the three of them. It was that in owning their mother's early living, in her feeling, owning their mother's moment of being most herself to herself in her feeling, owning their father's early living and their mother's feeling for their father then in her important being and their father's feeling for their mother then, it was by such owning that they felt something cut off from them. A part that should have been them Madeleine Wyman held in possession. It was not of them then, it was cut off from them. It should have been then as a piece of the whole of each one of the three of them. Madeleine Wyman held it in possession. In their very later living they each one had it again in them. They came again to own their mother and their father in them. In their early living they had about Madeleine Wyman a very sore feeling. They hated to hear her talking. Their mother and a little their father were really more important to Madeleine Wyman than they were to any of the three of them except as to having made them, to them, in their early living. They could not deny this to Madeleine Wyman. She had by her feeling of the importance of their mother in the world of beings, she had then by this a right to her owning, to her possession, they could not deny this any one of the three of them, it was not the importance of their mother as a being that counted for any of the three of them, it was that she was part of them, having made them. They were not any, any one of the three of them ever very much of her in their feeling. She was of them to their feeling. Not a lively feeling in them, it was important to them only when this possession was cut off from them by Madeleine Wyman's owning of her and her early living and her important being. She was then, Mrs. Hersland, important to her children, only to being them. She belonged to them then not by her important being in her feeling; Madeleine Wyman then had a right to her possession. The children all three of them by her possession of the mother of them and a little of the father of them had cut off from them in their later younger living a part of them and they had then a right to their sore feeling at her possession of their mother and a little of the father of them. There will be now more history of Madeleine Wyman in this possession.
There is stupid being in every one. There is stupid being in every one in their living. Stupid being in one is often not stupid thinking or stupid acting. It very often is hard to know it in knowing any one. Sometimes one has to know of some one the whole history of them, the whole history of their living to know the stupid being of them. Every one then, mostly every one, has in them stupid being. It is hard to know stupid being in such a one as Mrs. Hersland or even in such a one as Madeleine Wyman. Stupid being in Mrs. Hersland was in her when she was acting. It was not in her when she was resisting but then she had very little resisting in her being. She had very little real fighting in her being, real fighting in her would be as resisting. She had very little of this in her in her living. She had a little of it in her with her husband in the beginning and always a little all through her living. She had a little of it in her with her children when they were first beginning, and then she was of them but soon they were not of her then and she had no winning fighting being for them or with them. Sometimes about a servant she had attacking being, later about Madeleine Wyman and that was in her stupid being. Madeleine Wyman had in her stupid being in wanting to be subduing. Not with Mr. or Mrs. Hersland, there she was yielding to be subduing and that was not in her stupid being, yielding was never in her stupid being, attacking was in her stupid being. With Mrs. Hersland and with Mr. Hersland too she had in her yielding and so she came to own them. She yielded herself to them and so she came to live in them and in their early living and then she came to own them. This was not in her stupid being. Stupid being with her was in her failing, in her attacking, in her sometimes when resisting. Mostly in her as attacking for subduing and this was in her stupid being. This was true of her with the Hersland children, this was true of her in her later living. This will sometime be clear in her as there comes to be completely a history of her, a history of all the living in her from her beginning to her ending.
There is then stupid being in every one. In many, one has to have a whole history of all their living from their beginning to their ending to know it in them. Mrs. Hersland was such a one. Mrs. Hersland as I was saying was never important for her children excepting to begin them. She never had a feeling of herself to herself from them. She was of them until they were so big that she was lost among them, she was lost then between them and the father of them.
So then to begin again with the Hersland family's living with the third governess Madeleine Wyman with them and with a history of her and every one who came to know her and of the Hersland family with her. To begin again then with Mr. Hersland and his ideas about education. To begin again with Mr. Hersland and his choosing of the governess for the education of his children. To begin again with Mr. Hersland and his theories of education.
As I said the first governess was a real governess and knew french and German and was a good musician. She was theoretically satisfying to him in the beginning but personally after she began living in the house with them she made no impression on him. Then his theories changed in him and he wanted a woman who was strong and used to farming and he got one and she was pleasanter for him for she had a physical meaning for him and then she married the baker and they all sometimes saw her after but that was the end of her governessing and for some time then they had no one. Then they heard of Madeleine Wyman who was everything. They needed a governess then so the father thought because the children had forgotten all their french and German and the daughter Martha that year had missed annual promotion. Besides in their half country living they needed some one to keep the family living apart from the living around them. Anyway in Madeleine Wyman they had everything, she knew french and German, she was an American, she had had good American schooling, she was a fair musician, she was intelligent and could talk as well as listen to Mr. Hersland about education, she wanted to listen always to Mrs. Hersland's Bridgepoint living, she felt always the gentle fine being in Mrs. Hersland's country house living, she was good looking, she liked walking and wanted to learn swimming. She had everything, every one was content then, her parents were glad to have her in such a good situation, every one was suited then and then there was a beginning. Madeleine Wyman was the third governess the Herslands had living with them.
Madeleine Wyman's father and mother were both living. There were in all, four children. Madeleine was the oldest of them, then Louise, then Frank, and then Helen. The Hersland children later knew all of them. Later there will be a history of them in the history of the three children. There will then also be a history of Mr. and Mrs. Wyman and the later living of Madeleine. Now there is a history of her, when she was a governess, and the feeling about her all through her living with them in Mr. and Mrs. Hersland. First then to begin again with Mr. Hersland and his feelings about education. Some men then and some women have cowardly but not fearful being in them. This is true then of many of them who have cowardly being in them and are of independent dependent kind of men and women. The dependent independent way of having cowardly being in them, many of them, is to have always fearful being in them. These are given to supposing, they always see death and danger around them in their living. Mr. Hersland was not of them, he had independent dependent being, attacking was his natural way of fighting, resisting was weakness in him, he had not any fearful being in him, he could be a coward in his living, he could brush people away from around him, when he could not keep them brushed down from in front of him he went another way and he never knew in him that he was a coward then in living, he had no fearful being in him. Later his children told it to him when they were angry with him and the impatient feeling that then filled him. Mr. Hersland always had it in him to be strong in beginning, he always had it in him to feel himself inside him to be as big as all the world around him, later he was full up with impatient being. Always he had beginning in him, always he had theories of education, always he talked to every one around him, always he was advising every one, always he was talking about education, about eating, about drinking, about washing, about healthy living, about doctoring, about what men and women needed to make them successful in living. Always he was talking about eating and education and marrying, and drinking, and sleeping, and doctoring. Now there will be more description of the talking in him.
There are many ways then for women to like men, there are many ways for men to like women. Some like the other one for the health in them, for the life in them, some for other things in them, some need many kinds of things to content them in those they want to have near them, some need very little in them. For some health in another one, for some youth in another one is enough to content them. Some women want a man to be florid and have a reddish beard when he has one, some want him brown with a black one, some then want health, some want youth in those near them, for some one thing for some other things mean health in those near them. There are many men and many women who want to see people having lots of health, near them. For some men one kind for some men quite a different kind is to them a fine figure of a woman. Many men and many women want those near them to have strongly in them the feeling and appearance of healthy being, many men say it of women and of trees and other things near them, that's a healthy looking one, that is in such of them the highest kind of commendation. Mr. Hersland was such a one. Not in the woman he needed for a wife for him, she was pretty and dark, and healthy enough looking but that was not in her a striking thing. Mr. Hersland wanted his children to be healthy looking, in choosing the second governess he chose her for this being in her. In his middle living he needed this kind of fine healthiness in women to content him, later he needed a more active being in them, they had then to be energetic enough around him to fill him in where he had been shrunk away then from the outside of him. In his middle living then he wanted a woman to have a good figure and to be healthy looking. The second governess had been such a one and Mr. Hersland always had a certain pleasure in having her in the house with them. Later when she had married the baker he sometimes on his way home would stop to eat a cake and talk to her, tell her about what was the best way to give milk to the baby, to keep strong and not to need a doctor, what kind of a doctor she should have to take care of her, what was the right way for her to do to content her husband and save money and never have any trouble to come to her. He always gave advice to her; he ate a cake, he told her whether she was getting fatter or thinner, how to get thinner when she was getting fatter and later after she had had another baby and was always looking dragged and getting thinner, he would tell her what she should do to get fatter. He always gave advice to her, later always about her doctor and that she had a good man to be a husband to her a good baker and later when she was getting thinner what she should do to get fatter. He always gave advice to her. When she was beginning to be a governess to them he had talked to her about education and his children, later he mostly talked to her about eating and marrying, and gave advice to her about how to keep in condition.
With Madeleine Wyman it was a different matter. She was not a healthy woman to give pleasure simply by having health in her, and a fine figure. She was healthy but not the kind to make one feel it in her. She had a trim figure, she was not pretty, nor ugly either, she was pleasant and bright and had some energy. With her Mr. Hersland could always talk about education in a different way from that in which he talked with the second governess who had married the baker. Madeleine Wyman was young and had understanding in her, she was young and ready to try to carry out his theories in the way he wanted from her. She wanted to educate the three children in music, french and German, gymnastics, swimming, and with at the same time good American public school training. With the first governess it had been different. She always had listened to Mr. Hersland but she had a real governess being in her and she did what this governess being in her demanded from her. She was polite and intelligent but she had real governess being in her. After Mr. Hersland had gotten through telling her all the advantages of European education over American and she had politely agreed with him, there was nothing for him to say to her. He became indifferent later about telling this to her and so she had no existence for him although whenever he was conscious of her he had respect for the genuine governess being in her, for her being a thorough musician, for her really knowing french and German.
Madeleine Wyman then was a good person to listen to him. Better than the other two to him. Personally she was pleasant to him, she was not so large as an impression personally on him of agreeable healthy feeling as the second governess had been. She was more satisfying as a listener to him. Not so satisfying for advising, really she was more important to Mrs. Hersland than she was to him. She really had more advice from Mrs. Hersland than from him. He liked to talk to her but it was not a personal feeling. She had understanding in her, she was young and ready to carry out his feeling about education but really she was not very personal for him, she was very personal for Mrs. Hersland, she was to Mrs. Hersland a part of Mrs. Hersland's most important living. They had then for each other these two women very important being. This is now a history of them.
With Madeleine Wyman living in the same house with them, Mrs. Hersland had in her her feeling of being to herself inside her strongest in her whole living, stronger than later when she went to Bridgepoint to visit her family and was like a princess to them, a very rich woman from the far country and in her feeling for them a part of them but to them and really to herself then not a part of rich right living; more important than earlier when she met Mr. Hersland and her marrying was then her important being. She had never then at any time in her living so completely to herself then a realization, a feeling of herself to herself, a being in herself to her own feeling important in her being, not from doing, not from feeling, not from being, not from having, not from anything in her living or her being but from being to herself in herself then an important person as she had then in her middle living with the third governess in the house with them. Some one needed her, not for their living or their feeling, but needed her for their self-creation. And so, it was in her middle living with Madeleine Wyman in the house with them that she had in her really individual being. As I was saying the children later had a sore feeling that Madeleine Wyman owned their mother's early living. They had a sore feeling because they were so, cut off from part of their own being. Madeleine Wyman made Mrs. Hersland really an attacking being and this was the most stupid being she had in her in her living. Mrs. Hersland then, was important to Madeleine Wyman to give to her individual being, with her feeling and living in her being to make for herself a being. Mrs. Hersland then had from Madeleine Wyman individual being, from Madeleine Wyman's living her early being. This is now again a history of them.
The Wyman family was foreign American. The mother was always pretty foreign. No one of their children excepting perhaps the second one Louise ever knew very much what their father had in him. Their children did not really know much about what was in either of them, the father or the mother in the house with them. The old people were too foreign to them for them ever to really know anything about them. The second one Louise, Madeleine was the eldest of the children, the second one Louise was not foreign in her being but she was in some way nearer in understanding to the old folks who were very foreign perhaps not understanding to her feeling, but understanding to anyone to every one who saw her with them. There seemed more connection between her and her father and her mother, there was not any connection to anybody's feeling between the foreign old woman and the old man, and anything in their living, there was not much connection to anybody's feeling between the old man and the old woman, perhaps they were not so very old then, they lived a long time after and so they could not have been so very old then, there was then to everybody who saw them not much connection between the foreign woman and the foreign man who was a little vague to every one, there was only the connection between that neither of them seemed to be connected with any other one. Later when one knew the children better and still later when no one any longer saw any of them and only remembered them, one then could reconstruct the foreign father and mother out of the children and so could come to an understanding of them, a realisation that they had been alive then and human. Later then there will be a reconstruction of them, not from any impression from them but from what their children had in them as nature in them and so the parents will come to be made soon to us out of the memory of the children as later one remembered them, the children when one no longer saw them. The mother and the father then were to every one then disconnected from every one, a little less from the second daughter Louise, she had some connection with them then to every one who knew them. Later there will be more description of this connection of hers with them. The Herslands had never then very much impression of them, not indeed then or even later in their living, of any of the Wyman family except Madeleine, although they later, especially the three children and Mr. Hersland some too then, Mrs. Hersland was weakening then and less then in everybody's living, came to know the others of them the two sisters Louise and Helen and the brother Frank very well in their later living. They never however any one of them, the three Hersland children came to any realisation of them until later they remembered them and reconstructed them and realised them and then reconstructed and realised the foreign parents from a reconstruction from their reconstructed children. Every one had then when they knew them an impression that the daughter Louise knew then what kind of woman her mother the old foreign woman was and what a kind of a man she had as a husband but no one ever knew how they came to have this feeling that this Louise had such a knowledge of them, that she had such understanding. This is now a history of the Wyman family and the living and the being in all of the six of them, the mother and the father and the four children, Madeleine, Louise, Frank, and Helen. Now there will be a history of Mrs. Hersland to them. Later there will be new history of them in the history of each one of the three Hersland children. Now then for the six of them, the mother and the father and the four children Madeleine and Louise and Frank and Helen, and Mrs. Hersland and a little Mr. Hersland to them. First there will be the impression every one had of them then and the history of their living and then there will be a reconstruction of the four of them from the memory of the impression of them and then a reconstruction of the father and the mother out of the reconstructed four children. This is now then a history of them and of Mrs. Hersland and a little of Mr. Hersland to them. Later there will be a history of the three Hersland children with them.
Madeleine Wyman stayed with the Herslands about three years and then there was a struggle for her by her family who wanted her to marry John Summer who wanted to marry her but was not very anxious to have her, and she had not about it any very strong feeling but she liked it with the Herslands as she was then living and she did not care very much about marrying. Later she married him and he was later then a more or less sick man with his own ways in him of eating and doctoring. He was a rich man and her family wanted she should marry him. She had no objection then, only she liked it so very well being with the Herslands then, she did not want any changing. There was no way to really convince her family that she was very well content to stay with the Herslands then, Mrs. Hersland tried to convince them. Once to convince them she paid double wages to Madeleine Wyman and had Madeleine a dress made then by Mary Maxworthing and Mabel Linker who made Mrs. Hersland's dresses for visiting, to convince the Wyman family that Madeleine was best off with the Herslands then and should stay with them. There was then about three months of sharp struggle between the Wymans and Mrs. Hersland and Madeleine and a little Mr. Hersland with them. Then Madeleine had to leave them, the parents, that is the whole family of them, the Wyman family, would not listen to reason or to higher wages even or to a dress in the most fashionable way of dressmaking. John Summer was content to have Madeleine stay where she was then. Sometime he wanted to marry her but there was no hurry about it for him. He had plenty of life before him to be married in. Later Madeleine went home and later then she married him and later then they adopted a little girl, they could not have any children, and later then they gave up this one, and later then he took to ways of eating and ways of doctoring and then he was no longer working and they were rich enough then to try every kind of way of eating and travelling and doctoring and she was faithful to him and he died then and this was many years after and Mrs. Hersland and Mr. Hersland had long been dead then, but Mrs. Wyman was still living, and now there is a history of all the Wyman family, of the six of them of the father and mother and Madeleine and Louise and Frank and Helen and of Mrs. Hersland to them and a little of Mr. Hersland to them. This is now the beginning of the knowing of the Herslands and the Wymans, this is now the beginning of Madeleine Wyman and her governessing. This is now as remembering the Wyman family and reconstructing the children from remembered parts of them and reconstructing the parents from the reconstructed children, this is what the Wyman family was then. This is now a history of them. They were, none of them, people to make a strong impression. To every one then the second daughter was more of the father and mother who were very foreign than the other three children. No one knew quite why this was true of her and of them. Every one who knew them felt it in them. This is now a history of all six of them, of Mr. Wyman and Mrs. Wyman and Madeleine, Louise and Frank and Helen Wyman, of the nature in each one of them, of the living that came to each one of them.
The mother and the father, Mr. and Mrs. Wyman were not so old then as they seemed to be to every one who knew them then. They were very foreign, that made them then with grown up children a very old man and a very old woman. They were not so very old then for they lived a long time after, longer than Mr. and Mrs. Hersland who were young then to them. Mr. and Mrs. Wyman were old then to every one and mostly no one knew much about them. They were foreign now in one's later living by remembering their children one can reconstruct them and know what they were then. Mr. Wyman then had a nature in him a dependent independent earthy instrument nature in him and all being was vague in him, Mrs. Wyman had independent dependent being and it was concentrated being but not very efficient being, it was enough to make some attacking in her being, it was enough to make such attacking pretty persistent and sometimes insinuating, rarely winning but very often annoying. She was not efficient in her being but she was fairly insistent in attacking, sometimes insinuating almost hypocritical in her kind of attacking but on the whole not very efficient in her living, on the whole not very often winning. She could be persistent, insinuating, and annoying. She had some winning in persisting with Mrs. Hersland, her daughter for six months had double wages given to her and a new dress made by Mabel Linker and Mary Maxworthing and then after all she got her daughter to leave the Herslands so that later she would marry John Summer. But all this was not really winning, for Madeleine always intended to marry John Summer and Summer always intended to marry her, so really all that Mrs. Wyman had as winning in her was to be annoying to Mrs. Hersland and to give to her a sense of struggling, and to have had her daughter Madeleine get for six months more money then she was earning and a dress made by Mabel Linker and Mary Maxworthing. As I was saying Mr. Wyman had earthy dependent independent instrument nature. He was very vague in his nature. His son Frank was like him. Madeleine in efficiency was like her mother, in her kind of nature like her father. Louise was like her mother altogether excepting that there was less to her nature, less insinuating attacking in her being. Later there will be a history of her. She had some connection, to those who knew her, with her father and her mother. The son Frank was vague like his father and like him in his nature, only he was younger and had more beginning in him and more chance of later keeping going than his father had had who was foreign. Helen was even more spread and vague than her father ever had been, with her mother's nature in her. Later in her living queer things happened to her. There is always then repeating, there is always then in every one beginning and ending, there is always then in every one stupid being, there is always then sometime some one to every one who ever was or is or will be living who knows the being in that one. There was then once a whole family of them the Wyman family, the six of them, Mrs. Wyman and Mr. Wyman and Madeleine and Louise and Frank and Helen Wyman. There is always then sometime some one who has it in them to envisage the whole life and being of every one. This is now then one who remembering can reconstruct the being in Madeleine and Louise and Frank and Helen and from them can reconstruct the being in Mrs. Wyman and Mr. Wyman and so now there is a history of them. There is always then as I was saying some one to know the being in every one. Mostly every one knows the being in some one, some in many others around them, some not in any one. There are then many ways of knowing being in other people and this reconstruction is one of them. There will be now then a history of the Wyman family, of all six of them.
As I was saying Mrs. Hersland never had any real connection with them, any real feeling about any one of them excepting Madeleine. Mr. Hersland had less understanding, less connection with her being, the Hersland children had their connection with her mostly from remembering, from their sore feeling that their parent's early living had been cut away from them, not that any one of the three of them had a tender feeling for their parent's early living, it was only that it was part of their existing and not something for a stranger to be owning. Mrs. Hersland then of all the Hersland family had the most personal relation to Madeleine Wyman, Mr. Hersland as I was saying liked to talk to her liked her intelligence and her trim neat figure, liked the way she listened when he talked, and the way she was ready to carry out ideas he explained to her, to the three children then she was mostly then a governess to be in the house with them. Each of them had a different feeling about her then and that will be clearer in the history of each one of them. They were all three then as I was saying more of them then the poorer people living in small houses near them than they were of their mother's or their father's living then, than they were of rich country house living with a governess in the house with them. What each one of them felt in their being then about this governess living with them will come out later in the history of each one of them. In their later early living they came to know more of the three others Louise and Frank and Helen. Madeleine had been married then to John Summer, the three Hersland children never knew very certainly what then to call him or her. They then called Louise and Frank and Helen by their first names but they never were at ease then about what they should call John Summer or Madeleine. They never to the end felt very certain what was the right thing to call them. But this is all later history, the being in Louise and Frank and Helen is all later history, no one then in the Hersland family knew them, later the three Hersland children knew them, Mr. and Mrs. Hersland never knew much of the brother and sisters of Madeleine Wyman. They knew a little more of her father and mother. Not very much though, to Mrs. Hersland and Mr. Hersland Madeleine was apart from her family, to them her family had really no part in her, no right to interfere with them and with her, her marrying John Summer was to Mrs. Hersland and Mr. Hersland more their affair than the affair of Mrs. or Mr. Wyman. This is now a history of the trouble they all had together. Mrs. Wyman and Mr. Wyman then to almost every one who saw them then, hardly any one knew them then, to almost every one then they were very foreign, they were not part of any living, they were not part of their children's living, the children were another generation and American. To every one there was some connection between Louise and them, not that she was foreign but she was so clearly connected in kind with her mother's being that being young and of another generation and a part of American and not foreign being and a part of her sister's and her brother's living was not enough to cut her off from being part of the being her mother and her father too had in them. This was always true in her being and every one who knew them the Wyman family at any time felt this in them, though always to every one Louise was part of the younger American generation. Madeleine Wyman was the last one of the three governesses the Herslands had had in the house with them in their middle living in that part of Gossols where no other rich people were living. When Madeleine Wyman was with them, then in the middle living of Mr. Hersland and Mrs. Hersland, Mrs. Hersland had in her her most important being, she had in her then her completest feeling of being herself inside her to her being. She had this in her from her relation to Madeleine Wyman. Madeleine was twenty-four then. She stayed with the Herslands two years, two years after, she married John Summer. Then she went away to another town with him and she came to Gossols sometimes and then she would see Mrs. Hersland. Later then she went travelling to live again the early being of Mr. and Mrs. Hersland which was her possession. Travelling, eastern living had for her this meaning, she was then again living the early life of Mrs. Hersland and Mr. Hersland then. Later Mrs. Hersland was weakening and later she died and then when Madeleine Summer met the young Hersland people she told them what their mother had been, she told them what travelling and eastern living had meant to her, Madeleine, it had meant the re-living of their mother's early living, of their mother's and their father's early being. Then later John Summer had queer notions of eating and much later he died and Madeleine went to live with her sisters and her brother, and mother who was not dead yet then. Sometime there will be a complete history of Madeleine Wyman's married living, it will be very interesting. Sometime there will be then a complete history of her being and her living and the living and being of all six of them, the Wyman family. This will be such a history in the long histories of each one of the three Hersland children. Now there is to be only a little suggesting of the being in each one. Now Madeleine has just come to be a governess to the Hersland family to live with them in that part of Gossols where no rich people were living.
Madeleine Wyman had had a pretty good education. She knew french and German, not as the first governess the Herslands had had knew them, but well enough to teach them. She was not a musician but she knew enough music to oversee the Hersland children's practising, she knew enough music to teach music when there were music lessons to be given. She had a good enough English education, she had a good enough American governess training. She and her younger sister Helen were the only ones of her family who had had much education. Helen was more modern than Madeleine in her feeling. She was more modern in using her education in her living and in her feeling, later when Helen Wyman came to know the Hersland young people she was more of them than any of her family had been for she was more modern, not more American perhaps but really more modern, anyway more of them, the Hersland children then at the ending of their first beginning living, than Madeleine or Louise or Frank even ever were of their generation. They had not many friends then the Wyman family. Frank and Helen Wyman were the first of their family to have friends of people around them. The others of the Wyman family had never been of any generation and so they had not friends of any of them who were of their generation.
There were then in the Wyman family, six of them; the mother and father and Madeleine and Louise and Frank and Helen. The mother Mrs. Wyman had her nature in her. The second daughter Louise and the youngest daughter Helen were of her. The father Mr. Wyman had his nature, the son Frank and the eldest daughter Madeleine were of this nature.
The youngest daughter Helen was all spread and all vague in her nature. She had a good education for she was interested in studying, she was almost interested in writing. She was not so much interested in teaching but teaching was to be her occupation. As a matter of fact she never did much teaching. She did a little teaching but somehow the Wyman family always managed to have enough money to go on living, the father with his book-keeping, the daughter Madeleine first with governessing and then with marrying a rich man always could help them, later, much later, after trying many things Frank Wyman became a nurseryman and with Louise to help him and much later with Madeleine to help him he always kept going, he even took to marrying and having children and with plenty of help around him he always managed to keep going. So as I was saying Helen really never did much teaching although this was intended to be her occupation. There was no opening then for a girl like Helen except teaching, as I was saying she was almost interested in writing but this was never active enough inside her to start her going, just active enough inside her to make her more modern than her sister Madeleine who was the other one in the family who had had education. So then Helen was all spread and all vague in her independent dependent nature, but people who knew her had a friendly feeling for her. She was more of them the people who came to know them the Wyman family, than any other one of them. The son Frank was in that respect a little like her. The two youngest then Frank and Helen were more of their generation than Louise and Madeleine ever had been of the generation around them. So then Helen had vagueness in her like her father, she was spread out more inside her than any other of the Wyman family, she had independent dependent being in her, it was mostly as dependent being in her, it was all spread and all vague in her this being in her. As I was saying she never did much teaching though this was to be the end of her education. As I was saying she came almost to the point of being interested in writing but it remained as vague and spread out as her being, it never came to any thing. Later there was marrying in her living and that was a very strange proceeding. Later in the history of the Hersland children there will be a history of the marrying of Helen which as I was saying was a very strange proceeding.
Mrs. Wyman then had her nature in her. The second daughter Louise and the youngest daughter Helen were of her. The father Mr. Wyman had his nature, the son Frank and the eldest daughter Madeleine were of this nature.
The youngest daughter Helen was all spread and all vague in her nature.
The second daughter Louise was almost as concentrated as her mother but there was less to her nature. There was about as much efficient living in her but there was not any insinuating attacking, her attacking was more a steady pushing. It came to about the same thing as efficient being, it made her less interesting, less menacing, more agreeable to be knowing. It came to about the same amount of efficiency in her nature as her mother had in her and more than that in any of the rest of the Wyman family.
The important things in her living were the marrying, first of Madeleine, later the strange marrying of Helen and then the taking charge of her, later the helping her brother in his business of nurseryman; the keeping everything going in the later Wyman living when old Mrs. Wyman's methods had no more efficiency for their living. And so she succeeded to her mother's living, she never was married, she never bore children, as I was saying she was of her mother's being but there was less to her nature, there was less variety in her when she was younger, when she was in her middle living, when she was older. There was less variety to her, there was no insinuating attacking to her, there was steady shoving in her that made up in her for any less active attacking there was in her than there was in her mother. She was a drier person than her mother. There was very little change in her, she always had much the same being in her. Her being part of the mother and father's being, that which every one who knew her felt in her was never important to her. To herself inside her she was not more part of her mother and father than were her sisters and her brother. To herself she was part of the livings of her sisters and her brother, that was important being in her, being part of the being of her mother and father was not important being to her. She did not know it in her that she was nearer them than were her sisters and her brother. If she had known it she would not have liked it inside her. Important being in her to herself inside her was being part of the living and the being of her sisters and her brother. It was the marrying of her sisters and the business of her brother that were important to her not the being and the living in her father and her mother. She was to herself then strongly of the being of her sisters and her brother. Her father and her mother were not to her very important inside her. Later then in the histories of her sisters and her brother, in the description of her mother and her father there will be more history of her.
The son Frank was almost as vague in his nature as his father.
He was tall then and had a long head and thick hair and at that time he had mild humor in him. He could make jokes at children, give him time he could make jokes at girls and at women. He was not slow but he was not very decided inside him. He was vague inside him as his father was inside him but he was younger then and pleasanter, he was blonder, and milder in manner than his father, but his father was much older and had dried down and he was not really quicker it was only that there was a tender youthful being in the son that threw over him a glamor of being slower and pleasanter than his father. The father was darker and drier and seemed to be quicker. Really they had about the same nature, the two of them, neither of them had an efficient nature. The son had an easier life because he had his sisters, and his wife, later. When he married her she was not stronger in her nature than he was in his nature, but he had the start of her by having his sisters around her. He always all through his living was tall and slow and pleasant and mildly joking and not lazy and not active either and there was always the appearance as if his women, Louise and Madeleine and his wife and Helen were holding him up so that he would keep on standing. His mother had never done this for him. While she was directing the family he had been drifting. He had tried one way of earning a living and then another way and then nothing. It was not till later that he became a nurseryman with women around him to support him. So Frank had a pleasant enough life all his living and successful enough life in his living. He and his father, as I was saying, were both of them alike in this nature. They both had resistance enough to keep going, the father in his book-keeping, with a wife and family around him that he felt only enough to awaken in him some resisting; the son with enough resistance in him to have his women keep on holding him up while he pleasantly and vaguely kept on living. This then is a history of the two of them. Sometime perhaps there will be more understanding of the nature in the two of them.
The mother Mrs. Wyman had her nature in her. The second daughter Louise and the youngest daughter Helen were of her. The father Mr. Wyman had his nature. The son Frank and the eldest daughter Madeleine were of this nature. In the eldest daughter the nature of the father was more concentrated to make her. It did not make her really an efficient nature. She really had resistance in her.
Madeleine Wyman had had a pretty good education. She knew french and German well enough to teach them. She knew enough music to teach music when there were music lessons to be given. She had had a good enough education. She had intelligence to listen with understanding to Mr. Hersland's talking. She had a kind of interest in his theories of education. She tried to put them into execution. This is now a little description of them.
She was then different from the first governess who was a real European governess and a musician, she was different from the second governess who had known nothing. She came to the Herslands in answer to an advertisement and Mr. Hersland had been pleased with her. The three Hersland children then were having their regular public school living, they had then all the feeling of country children. They had too then every kind of fancy education anything that their father could think would be good for them.
The third governess was really then only to keep them up in music practising and a little in french and German, mostly then just to be in the house with them. Mr. Hersland was just then deciding that what the children needed was to be kept going and Madeleine Wyman had enough education in every direction to keep them going. Then too, they all of them had the feeling of needing a governess in the house with them. Mrs. Hersland liked her, Mr. Hersland took less interest in engaging her than he had with the first or second one. She came then to be a governess to them because they still had a feeling that the children ought to have some one and Mrs. Hersland liked her and Mr. Hersland had not much interest just then in education. Soon though he began to talk to her about what he wanted her to do for each one of the three of them and what he thought was the right kind of education for children and the difference between European and American education.
As I was saying Madeleine was like her father in her nature but this was much more concentrated in her than it was in her father or her brother, it was almost as concentrated as their kind of nature was in her mother and her sister Louise. It did not make her a really efficient nature but it gave real resistance inside her and it gave her a certain power with those whose ideas she tried to realise for them. This was the case with Mr. Hersland. It gave her power when she was part of some one's living as with Mrs. Hersland. It did not give her power in teaching because in educating she tried attacking and with this, for her, there was no succeeding so she had never any real power with any one of the three children.
Later she was married to John Summer. Later they had for a little while an adopted daughter. Madeleine had not wanted her, it was Summer who very much wanted children and did not seem to be able to have any of his own who insisted upon choosing and adopting one. They did not keep her long for soon they took to travelling and Madeleine had not wanted to have her and so they sent her back to the home from where they had gotten her. Madeleine as I was saying had not really an efficient nature, she had not much influence on any one near her. She had none on the adopted child although she nagged her as her mother had done when she had brought up her children, but it was as attacking in Madeleine for she had not wanted the child with her. And so what strength was in her was in living in other people's lives, not in attacking or even really in resisting. With her husband she had no influence, for she had not a feeling of living in him as she had with Mrs. Hersland and with Mr. David Hersland, and Mrs. Hersland's early living, with her husband she was a good enough woman, a wife to travel with him, to induce him to give up business and to take to travelling, but she had no influence with him in the things that were his living, his ideas of eating, of doctoring, of wearing warm clothing. He was a man who had these things in him as a sad religion. Later he died for them. Later there will be much history of him, and his doctoring, and later his dying, and always his strong feeling for ways of eating, for ways of doctoring, for ways of digesting. Madeleine then could keep him travelling, she could induce him to quit business living, she could make it that the adopted child no longer lived with them, she had really had no power in him, she had really no efficient being. She had it in her later to give a sore feeling to the Hersland children by to them owning the father and the mother. Earlier when she was a governess to them Martha sometimes had had a little feeling against her when Madeleine tried to carry out Mr. Hersland's theories of education. The Hersland children were not accustomed to having any one really try to be systematic in such realisation, they were accustomed to have only the pleasant new beginnings of new ways of learning and of out of door living. As I say Martha and sometimes a little David did not like her way of interfering with them, Alfred had not any such reason for a feeling for he was older than David, and a boy, not a girl like Martha, and so Madeleine had nothing really to do with him, Martha then, and a little David then, did not like her way of interfering with them, then they had no feeling about her being with their father and their mother, they really never cared very much then about anything going on in the house with them. They were then all three of them, the Hersland children, more of them, the poorer people who lived in the small houses near them than they were of their father's or their mother's living then. Mr. Hersland's living just then was the beginning of the middle living in his great fortune, the beginning of a struggling to resist a beginning of an ending to his fortune. The beginning of resisting was just then dimly beginning in him, he had not just then such a keen feeling about education. He talked to Madeleine Wyman then about his theories of education but they were not then so live in him as they had been. She tried to realise them for him, that to the children was interfering, that, to him, was not really interesting. He took less and less interest in the children just then excepting when they came up against him. That was then their only existing, for him. Madeleine was conscientious in trying to realise the ideas she knew he had in him. This as I was saying was to Martha and a little to young David, interfering. Later Madeleine had her own trouble in her and the children then went on with their living as was natural to them, having their regular public school living, having all the feeling of country children, having various kinds of fancy education and outdoor living, being of them the poor people near them.
Mrs. Hersland then had in her her time of being most herself to herself in her feeling. Her important being was then existing from Madeleine Wyman's living in her being, being in her early living, later needing protection against her parents' nagging, needing to be held against them by extra wages which Mrs. Hersland induced Mr. Hersland to give her and a dress made by Mary Maxworthing and Mabel Linker.
Later then there will be more description of Mr. Hersland and his ideas on education, later then in the history of each one of the Hersland children there will be a description of Madeleine Wyman's effort to realise Mr. Hersland's ideas of education. Now there is to be a description of Madeleine Wyman and Mrs. Hersland and the important feeling in her, and the trying of Mr. and Mrs. Wyman to make Madeleine leave her, and then the leaving of Madeleine and her later marrying John Summer. The mother Mrs. Wyman had independent dependent nature in her. The second daughter Louise and the youngest daughter Helen were of her. The father Mr. Wyman had dependent independent earthy instrument nature, the son Frank and the eldest daughter Madeleine were of this nature. The youngest daughter Helen was all spread and all vague in her independent dependent nature, more spread and vague in her nature, more spread and more vague in her nature than her father was in his nature. The second daughter Louise was almost as concentrated as he mother but there was less to her nature. The son Frank was almost a vague in his nature as his father. Dependent independent instrument nature was concentrated to make the eldest daughter, Madeleine Wyman, but it did not make of her really an efficient nature. She had about the same concentration in her as her mother and her sister Louise had in their nature. There was real resisting in her, there was some power in her, there was not very much efficiency in her, there was about the same in her as there was in her sister Louise and in her mother. In her it was as dependent independent instrument being, in them as independent dependent being.
Mrs. Hersland had as her being dependent independent gentle nature with some real resisting in her. Stupid being in her was attacking. Having the children as part of her, having a little resisting to her husband inside her, in her was her winning nature. Resisting winning was in her, in her relation to Mr. Hersland, to attract him, and so to come to be a little a real thing, inside him. Being part of them was her being with her children. She was of them as if they were still a physical part of her. Later they were big around her and she was lost among them and she had weakening inside her. Now they were really not of her, they were more of them the poor people around them than they were of their mother's living then, though they were to her all there ever was of being in her. Now her living was Madeleine Wyman's living in her and later, she and Madeleine resisting to the old Wyman's, Mr. and Mrs. Wyman's trying, by attacking. As I was saying attacking was in Mrs. Hersland stupid being. As I was saying this was in her in her resisting Mr. and Mrs. Wyman. This was in her sometimes with servant girls and their leaving, as I was saying earlier. It was in her most in her defending Madeleine Wyman against Mr. and Mrs. Wyman's trying to make Madeleine leave her.
Madeleine Wyman then as I was saying had come to be governess to the Herslands because a governess in the house with them had come to be a habit in the family living. They had had two of them, the first had left them to leave America, the second had married, and now it was natural to have a third one. This third one was the first one who was really important to Mrs. Hersland. Mr. Hersland found some important being in all three of them, they were like everything around him, part of him, part of the world around him, part of the beginning always in him. The second one had made more impression on him, she was a healthy woman, he liked to have a feeling of having her in the house with them. The first one had been mostly an ideal to him. The last one Madeleine, was pleasant to have listening to him, she had a neat figure, she was intelligent in listening, he had less active impression from her than he had from the one before her. None of them then, the first or second or third governess were really important then to the three Hersland children, they had existence for them, sometimes they interfered with them, sometimes they were pleasant to have in the house with them, but mostly they were not then any one of the three of them very important to the three children. Later this will come clearer, later in the long histories of each one of the three Hersland children which will now soon be commencing. First there will be a long history of Martha, then of Alfred, and then of young David, and of all of them together and of every one who ever came to know them. Before then there must be some more history of Mrs. Hersland and the important feeling in her that came to her from having Madeleine Wyman as governess in the house with her.
Mrs. Hersland as I was saying had in her then completely in her being the feeling of rich country house living, with servants and a governess and a seamstress in the house with them and not cut off from right rich living, although really doing very little visiting. To herself then, she and her husband and her children were part of right rich being, not doing much visiting, not needing to see much of richer people but always of them. To herself she was cut off from her family being and from accustomed living, to herself the other rich people in Gossols who were living there rich right living were too cut off from their family living, from their accustomed being. She was to herself leading rich country house living, it was a natural living to her being, it was all of her middle living, it was all her important living and her children's being, it was the natural living to her, to herself then she was leading rich right living, to herself then she was cut off from her family living, from eastern travelling. Madeleine Wyman then lived in Mrs. Hersland's feeling.
In Mr. Hersland, his early living was not, then in his middle living, in him, in his feeling. It was in him as part of him, it came out of him sometimes in talking, it was not in him then in his middle living nor in his later living, it was not in him then in his feeling. It was not important to him excepting as so much talking coming out of him. That was all the meaning his early living had in him to him and to every one who knew him. Even to Madeleine Wyman who lived in the early living of Mr. and Mrs. Hersland it was not as Mr. Hersland's early living that it was important to her being, it was as Mr. and Mrs. Hersland's early living that it made its impression. As I was saying it was a different matter to Mrs. Hersland who was to herself cut off from her family living. To Mr. Hersland eastern living was a past part of him, it was in him as being little as a baby or a child was in him, it was not something still existing cut off from him, it was part of him and not in his feeling. He had in him in his feeling, his beginning, his having it in him to be as big as all the world around him. In Mrs. Hersland then it was a different thing, her early living was a continuous living that was going on then and she was cutoff from it, to her feeling. When she later went to visit them her family who were still living in Bridgepoint in their natural way of living, she was still then cut off from them, she was of them but a princess to them, she was of them but a stranger to them with a husband and children who had not in any way any connection with them, she was of them but cut off from them by her Gossols living which was a different way of being though it was not a living that to herself was cut off from rich right being.
Madeleine Wyman then had in her the feeling of the early living of Mr. and Mrs. Hersland and this all her later life was an important part of her being and her feeling. She had this in her always as a possession, she had it in her more than Mr. or Mrs. Hersland had it in them, she had it in her as much as Mrs. Hersland had it in her talking, she had it in her more than Mrs. Hersland had it as a feeling, her having it in her gave to Mrs. Hersland her important feeling of herself inside her. Mrs. Hersland could never have had this in her from her own feeling, from her own talking of her early living, she would only have it in her from Madeleine Wyman having this as a possession.
It is clear then, Mr. Hersland had not in him any feeling of his early living, it was part of him because it had happened to him, it came out of him sometimes as bragging, sometimes as illustration, sometimes as moralising, but it was not really ever then in him in his middle or in his later living as feeling. It was in him only as having happened to him.
It is clear then that Mrs. Hersland had in her early living in her as something that was in her, in her middle living, as part of her feeling. Really, her being was her children and her husband and her country house living. To herself in her feeling she was never cut off from right rich living, really she was then not at all of such living, later when she met any of such of them she was cut off from them, to herself then it was not that she was cut off from right rich living, to herself then it was a little then that she was cut off from her family living and eastern travelling and visiting. This was stronger in her from Madeleine Wyman. It always had been all through her Gossols living, a little in her. It had not, before Madeleine Wyman was in the habit of listening to her, it had not been in her, a conscious feeling. Later then it was more consciously in her, it was really then not an important part of her being, it was really then an important part of her feeling herself inside her in her being. Her feeling herself inside her in her feeling was not an important part of her being, her feeling herself inside her to herself from her family being, from her children, a little from her husband, was the important being in her. Feeling herself to herself inside her was not really ever very important being in her. Feeling herself to herself inside her from her talking to Madeleine Wyman, from her defending her against her nagging father and mother was not really important being in her, feeling herself to herself inside her from having in her as part of her her family living, her husband and her children, her country house living, was important being in her.
As I was saying his early living sometimes came out of Mr. Hersland as talking. Mrs. Hersland's early living and her early living with her husband sometimes came out of her as talking, very often, to Madeleine Wyman in the house with her. It was very different in the two of them, in Mr. and in Mrs. Hersland.
As I was saying it came out of him, sometimes as bragging, sometimes as illustration, sometimes as moralising, sometimes as just talking, but it was not in him as feeling, it was not to him really then in his middle living an important part of his being. It was as I was saying early living to him, it had no more meaning than that in him.
In Mrs. Hersland it was in her as feeling, not really as very important feeling, but it had really meaning in her as feeling. It came out of her in talking, it had then to her real meaning, more even than it had to her feeling.
She had always talked some about her early living, when she was living at the hotel sometimes with Sophie Shilling, sometimes when she was visiting she would speak of eastern living to other ones in right rich living who had back of them too early eastern living, sometimes she told stories of it to her children, it was in her a little then as feeling, in the beginning in the hotel living it was in her fairly strongly as a feeling, not really a lonesome feeling, her children, her husband, Sophie Shilling, and Sophie's sister, Sophie's mother were then all the feeling really in her but she had then still a little in her a feeling of her early living and eastern travelling. As I was saying she would speak then of it but it did not then make her even a little important to herself inside her. This came to her later, this came to her when she told it over and over to Madeleine Wyman who was living then the complete being of Mr. and Mrs. Hersland in their early living. It came then to be in Mrs. Hersland her feeling of herself to herself in her feeling. This was not in her resisting or yielding, it was not like her being with her husband or her having anger in her or being a part of the children around her, it was in her like her being with the servants and seamstresses and poor people near her, being of them and above them, it was being herself inside her to her. It was the important being of herself to herself inside her it was not really the important being in her, important being in her really was herself as part of her family, as resisting to her husband or yielding in him, as being part of her children, as being part of rich right living.
As I was saying those having in them dependent independent being have in them resisting as their way of winning fighting. Resisting though is not their only way of fighting they can have yielding winning in them. Resisting and yielding then are not in them stupid being. Mrs. Hersland had in her dependent independent being. Madeleine Wyman had in her dependent independent being. Mrs. Hersland then had in her resisting and yielding to give her winning. Madeleine Wyman then had in her resisting and yielding to give her winning. Resisting and yielding then in both of them was not stupid being in them. Attacking then for both of them was stupid being. This is now a description of the different ways these things came out in them.
There is as I was saying two kinds of being, independent dependent, dependent independent. Resisting is to the dependent independent the natural way of fighting. Those then who have in them dependent independent being as the bottom of them have resisting in them as their natural way of fighting. Many of them have very little fighting in their living. This was true of both of them, Mrs. Hersland and Madeleine who both had dependent independent nature in them.
Resisting fighting is for these then who have dependent independent being in them not their only way of winning. They can have yielding and sensitive being and instrument being in them, sometimes for winning just to keep going, sometimes for winning to subdue some one near them. Mrs. Hersland and Madeleine Wyman were then for a while then closely in each others living, Madeleine always then all the rest of her living was in her being in Mrs. Hersland's living. In Mrs. Hersland later there was weakening, she had never had Madeleine Wyman in her as real being. In Mrs. Hersland, real being was rich right living, her Bridgepoint family living and her marrying, and her country house living and her children. Later in her living she was weakening inside her, she was scared then, her children were big around her and outside her, trouble was coming then, the country house living was ending and often then Mr. Hersland forgot her as being and later then she died away from among them and they soon, all of them then, lost remembering her among them. So then this was real being in her this was really being herself inside her. This was a real history in her. Her early living, later when she talked so much about it to Madeleine Wyman it was real in her but it was important to her then more than it really was as being in her. It was sentimental feeling and romantic feeling in her, it was not real being in her. To Madeleine Wyman, this early living of Mrs. Hersland was being, it was real being inside her, inside in Madeleine Wyman, it was not sentimental and romantic in her, it was real being in her. It was a little too then real being in Mrs. Hersland but in talking it came to be to her feeling more important than it was then in her being. This was the difference then between them. Mrs. Hersland then had a real being from her early living but it was not, later then, so important to her being or her feeling as in her talking of it to Madeleine Wyman she made it come to be in her Mrs. Hersland's feeling. Later more and more when she was weakening, it was all fainter and fainter in her. In Madeleine Wyman, Mrs. Hersland and Mrs. Hersland's early living was real being. It came to be always stronger in Madeleine Wyman always more and more a part of her being, Mrs. Hersland and Mr. Hersland and their early living. Later the Hersland children had a sore feeling at her having such possession.
To begin again then with dependent independent nature, with resisting being, with sensitive being. To begin again then with dependent independent nature, with earthy instrument being, with little or much resisting, with little or much yielding, with little or much winning.
To begin again then with dependent independent nature, with resisting being, with sensitive being. To begin again then with dependent independent nature, with earthy instrument being, with little or much resisting, with little or much yielding, with little or much winning.
Neither Madeleine Wyman nor Mrs. Hersland had in them really efficient being. They both had in them some resisting fighting, some yielding winning. It showed in the two of them in very different fashion. Madeleine had in her really more instrument being than Mrs. Hersland had in her. Mrs. Hersland had in her more sensitive earthy being than Madeleine Wyman. Neither the one nor the other had really an efficient nature. They were very different from each other. Madeleine was drier and had more energy in her, not enough to carry her, to make for herself a living in her, but enough to make her want to listen and answer, and to carry into action Mr. Hersland's talking about education, enough to make her have later Mr. and Mrs. Hersland as a possession, enough to make her then have Mr. and Mrs. Hersland's early living a part then of her being. Mrs. Hersland had enough energy in her to be a mother, to be a little resisting to her husband in their beginning, to have the dignity in her of country house living and Bridgepoint Hissen family being, she had her own being in her, her children were a part of her, she had a sensitive and later a scared weakening being in her, she could have anger in her and a sharp indignant injured feeling, she had not instrument being in her. Later this will be clearer. More and more then it will be clearer the difference between the being in Madeleine Wyman and in her. They both had in them dependent independent being, it was in them in different fashion, Madeleine had in her instrument being, Mrs. Hersland had not in her such being, she had yielding in her but that was to loving in marrying, yielding in her to the being that was part of her as in her children and her sisters and her brothers and her mother and her father. She had not instrument nature, she had not any living in any being that was not in her a part of her. She was different then from Madeleine Wyman.
Neither the one nor the other of them had in them really efficient being. This came out more and more in them in their later living. This came out in them in their resisting to the trying of the Wyman family when these wanted Madeleine to marry John Summer.
As I was saying attacking in Mrs. Hersland was stupid being. It was in her when she had inside her her feeling of herself to herself in her, when she was resisting the Wyman family about Madeleine. In Madeleine, attacking was stupid being but she was then not showing such being, she had no attacking with which to resist her family's trying. Stupid being then was in her as attacking but it showed then only in her handling of children. Later she showed it with her husband, later when she had really no power over John Summer. She could sometimes stop him in business or in adopting a daughter, she could never really have any effect inside him. Now, then, stupid being as I was saying was in Mrs. Hersland's attacking to stop the Wyman trying, the giving Madeleine double wages and a dress made by Mabel Linker and Mary Maxworthing. Then Madeleine was not attacking, was not having stupid being excepting with the children in trying to carry out Mr. Hersland's ideas for them. Mostly then she had strongly in her instrument being. She was living in Mrs. Hersland's and in Mr. Hersland's being. The Wyman family then the mother and the father with their children as a background to make a more solid seeming, won out then with trying, Madeleine went back to them and later married John Summer. She really had no objection to marrying John Summer, she did not want to leave the Hersland family, she was willing to marry John Summer later.
In all of them who have dependent independent nature in them, there is resisting and yielding and stupid being as attacking. Sometime there will have been written a history of many of them as by repeating it comes out of them. Sometime some one will know the amount of resisting, yielding and stupid acting there is in every one who ever has or has had or will have dependent independent being in them. Some have less, some have more of one or the other of these things in them, in some it changes in them in the different parts of their living, in the way they have in them excitement or nervous or quiet or melancholy or happy or contented or diseased or healthful or hungry or thirsty or tired or satisfied being in them. Mrs. Hersland then had stupid attacking being mostly in her when she was having important feeling of herself inside her with a servant or a governess or a seamstress or, for her, poor people to arouse it in her and to give to her indignant and injured feeling inside her. This then was strongest in her when Madeleine Wyman was with her, when she was making to herself a being by always telling of her early living, when she was resisting for Madeleine the Wyman family's trying, when she was making Mr. Hersland pay money for her attacking fighting. This then now is always getting clearer.
To begin again then with the dependent independent being in Mrs. Hersland.
It is interesting in each one, the success and failure, that one has in living. Every one has their own nature in them. This comes out of them as repeating. This comes out of them as making success or failure in their living. Mrs. Hersland and Madeleine Wyman had not in them either of them very efficient being, they had not success or failure in living, they went on well enough both of them from their beginning to their ending. This is now to be a history of each one of them.
Mrs. Hersland then had in her dependent independent being. She did not have in her much stupid being. That was in her only as attacking and that was in her sometimes when a servant or a seamstress or a governess or some one, living in a small house near them, did something that was to her not right for them to be doing, when such a one was ungrateful or unpleasant to her. Then she could have a sharp angry feeling in her, then she could have a hurt or injured, or hurt and injured feeling in her, then she would do something for such a one to show such a one that if they demanded something from her that it was not right that they should demand from her she would give them more than they had asked of her. This was angry and injured feeling in her. As I was saying this could be in her from a servant or governess or seamstress or people living in small houses near her. In her earlier living this could be in her from people she knew as friends to her or of her family, she could then in her early living sometimes have it in her from a sister or a brother, but in her later living in that part of Gossols where no other rich people were living this feeling in her came to her only from servants or governesses or seamstresses or store-keepers or dependents in the small houses near her. She could have then a feeling of herself inside her. This was in her as a gentle dignity in her, as having as a part of her her early living, her country house being, her husband and her children. She could have then a feeling of herself inside her from angry or injured feeling in her, she could have a feeling of herself inside her from Madeleine Wyman's having her Mrs. Hersland's being as part of her. So then Mrs. Hersland had in her in living a sense of herself inside her. This was most active in her when Madeleine Wyman was living in the house with her.
Slowly there is building up a solid structure of the two different kinds of nature. Later any one who looks at any one will see the nature in them. Sometime then there will be a history of every one. As I was saying Mrs. Hersland and Madeleine Wyman had neither of them a very efficient nature. They went on well enough both of them from their beginning to their ending. It must be clear soon the nature in the two of them and the difference between them. They had both of them dependent independent nature in them. Madeleine had an instrument nature and stupid being as attacking in her. This is now a history of her.
Mrs. Wyman the mother of Madeleine was a foreign American and always remained very foreign, not to herself but to every one who came to know them the Wyman family in their American living, Mrs. Wyman had independent dependent nature in her. She had in her not very efficient being, about as efficient being as Madeleine, enough to bring Madeleine away from Mrs. Hersland by her trying, enough to have Madeleine later married to John Summer, enough to keep her family going, but none of these were very hard things to be doing, she had not in her a very efficient nature. She had in her about the same efficiency as Madeleine had in her and that will later come to be clearer. She had in her about the same efficiency that her second daughter Louise had in her, Mrs. Wyman had more variety to her nature than her daughter Louise, she had about as much variety in her nature, Mrs. Wyman, as her daughter Madeleine had in her.
Mrs. Wyman then had in her independent dependent nature. The second daughter Louise and the youngest daughter Helen were of her as to nature, they had in them both, independent dependent nature. The daughter Louise had about as much efficiency in her as her mother, she had less variety to her nature, she had no liveliness of cringing in her as had her mother, independence and dependence in the daughter were solid substances inside her, in the mother were more lively and more cringing and more attacking and more lively in their changing. In the youngest daughter Helen there was independent dependent nature but this nature was in her as his nature was in her father, vague and uncertain and wide, and without ever any accentuation. Mrs. Wyman then had independent dependent nature in her. The second daughter Louise and the youngest daughter Helen were of her in their nature.
Mr. Wyman was a foreign American like Mrs. Wyman but nobody felt it very much about him whether he was always foreign, he was foreign, it was not very important to any one excepting his wife and children. He had a dryness of being in him like that in the second Wyman daughter Louise, he had a vagueness in him like that in the youngest daughter Helen, Mr. Wyman then had in him dependent independent nature, the son Frank and the eldest daughter Madeleine were of this nature. The son Frank was like his father only he was always all his life fresher and younger. He had it in him always to have fresher and younger being in him than his father had had in living. He had it in him, the son Frank, with his fresher, younger being to have people like to take care of him, his sister Louise and his sister Madeleine and later his wife and later all three of them with the youngest sister Helen hanging on the outside of them, did this for him. There was in him all through his living fresher and younger being than his father had ever had in him. The eldest daughter Madeleine had in her nature like her father. It was not so earthy in her as it was in her father and her brother. It was not as vague in her as it was in her father, it was never in her so young and so fresh as it was in her brother, it was about as various and as efficient in her as her mother's nature was in her, it was not as solid in her as the nature in her was in her sister Louise, it had in her a little of the dryness that his nature had in her father, the variety and the efficiency that her nature had in her mother. This makes her clearer and now for a history of her.
All four of the Wyman children were born and brought up American. Madeleine had had a governess training. It was really a little more foreign than the training of the other three children. Louise in her training was between Madeleine, and Frank and Helen, these last two being entirely American, being entirely of their American generation in education and feeling. Madeleine was still a little foreign, Louise was between them but education was not really important in her being. She was to be all through her living important in running the family living, in helping and protecting Frank, and then Helen, then Madeleine in her marrying, then Frank in his business of being a nurseryman, then Helen after she came back out of her strange marriage experience back to them, and then Madeleine when she too came back to them with John Summer after their travelling when John Summer was dying of queer ways in eating. Always then she was of the living her brother and sisters had in them. She was not an instrument nature for she was an under-pinning always to them but all her living was her brother's and sisters' living and being.
Madeleine then had lingering in her a little, being foreign. She was American, her brother and sisters were American and her father and mother, in their feeling. They were all of them American, the mother and father were very foreign to every one that came to know them, Madeleine had lingering in her, a little, being foreign, Louise was very American in her feeling, Frank and Helen were simply American. Madeleine and Helen had most of the education, Helen was almost literary in her feeling, Madeleine had had a pretty good education for American governessing. She knew french and German, not as the first governess the Herslands had had knew them but well enough to teach them and talk french and German with the children when parents insisted that there should be talking of french or German. She knew then enough french to teach it to children, enough German to teach it and talk it and to listen with intelligence to Mr. Hersland's explanation of the fine qualities in foreign education. She was not a musician, she knew enough music to oversee the Hersland children's practising, for they had then, that was their father's theory for them, real musicians to teach them, she knew enough music to teach music when there were music lessons to be given, when parents had notions not so completed about education as the Herslands had then. She had a good enough English education, she was not like her sister Helen literary in her feeling, she had in short a good enough American governess training.
Madeleine Wyman came to be a governess to the Herslands, for the Herslands had not come yet to the understanding that for their then family living a governess was not any particular use to them. The children were having then their regular public school living, they had then all the feeling of country children, they had freedom in coming and going, they were then as I was saying more of them the people around them than they were of the family living then though they were then the large part of the family being. They had then their regular public school living, they had then too every kind of fancy education that their father could think would be good for them, they had out of door living and swimming and shooting and horse back riding and perfect freedom, they had not any need then in living for a governess in the house with them. More and more then this last governess became important in their mother's living, more and more then in the children's living she had no meaning, sometimes she would be interfering but mostly she had not even so much importance for them, this will be clearer in the long histories of each one of them.
More and more then this last governess was really then only in Mrs. Hersland's living. She was pleasant enough at moments in Mr. Hersland's living, but she was prominent only in Mrs. Hersland's living. Mrs. Hersland and Mr. Hersland never thought about her not being important in their children's living, she kept on being in the house with them and then came her people's nagging and then the arousing in Mrs. Hersland of attacking resisting and Mr. Hersland had not then about it any very strong feeling. He went, in her action, along with Mrs. Hersland but it was not then important to him. The children then had completely drifted away from governess training, they had then perfect freedom in living, the governess then was not existing for them. This was the last governess the Hersland children had living with them.
John Summer's father had come from the same part of the country as Mr. Wyman. They had known each other in Europe. The old Mr. Summer was dead then and his wife John Summer's mother did not like Mr. and Mrs. Wyman and never came to see them. She did not want to know that they were still living in Gossols in the same town with her. John Summer was not a young man now when he wanted to marry Madeleine Wyman, he was much older than she was, about fifteen years older. This match was not the work of Mrs. Wyman, it was only that Summer was used to Madeleine Wyman and he came to want to marry her. Madeleine was willing enough to marry John Summer, he was pretty rich and could go out of business after marrying and go travelling or any thing that would please her. Mr. Hersland thought it a good match for her, Mr. Hersland always wanted girls to use their sense in marrying and Madeleine Wyman certainly ought to marry John Summer. Mr. Hersland always believed girls should have common sense in them, he always gave them advice about saving money and marrying and cooking. He always gave advice to the second governess who was married to the baker, how she should act so that her husband would be contented with her. In his later living he was strong in sensible advice to women in their living. Now he said it would be the best thing Madeleine could be doing, marrying John Summer. Mr. Hersland always gave advice to the second governess who had married the baker, he would stop there and eat a cake and look at her and give her a lecture. He liked the feeling of women and he wanted them to have sense in them.
Mrs. Hersland always wanted Madeleine some time to marry Summer but she wanted it to be put off a little longer so that their feeling would be tenderer, so that there should not be any forcing from Mrs. Wyman. Then too she wanted Madeleine to stay in the house with her for the important feeling in her through her, though she did not know this in her. Now her children were drifting away from being a part in her. Now Mr. Hersland was beginning to have more and more in him impatient feeling and brushing her away from around him. Mrs. Hersland did not know it inside her but she wanted Madeleine in the house with her, she wanted to have from her important being of herself to herself inside her. Now Mrs. Hersland had less and less in her the feeling of her children being in her as inside her, they were getting big then around her and were coming more and more then to be apart from her. She was beginning then more to have her husband forget her, country house living then was an old story to her, they never had visitors any more then and though to herself then she still always had inside her the feeling of rich right country house living, still then it was not lively to her feeling, there was nothing to make it strong then inside her, in her feeling. She had then her early living, her Bridgepoint family being, she had the talking of this to make for her of it to her then a stronger thing in her feeling than it really was in her being. This was then in those years in the middle of her middle living her important being in her talking, and her important feeling; her early living, her marrying and her eastern travelling, Madeleine Wyman was then the important part of her important feeling. Her children were then not living by her being, her husband was then not living by her being, Madeleine Wyman was living by her being, from Madeleine Mrs. Hersland had then all her active important being and this is interesting.
Now it is clear, the kind of being Mrs. Hersland had in her and that which Madeleine Wyman had in her. More and more it is surer that this kind of describing leads to complete understanding of men and women. Sometime then there will be a complete history of every one who ever was or is or will be living.
To some beginning is always in their living, to some ending is always in them to their feeling, in them and in every one, to them. To some, it is different in their beginning, their middle living and their ending, the sense of beginning or of ending always being in them. In many there is always all through their living either beginning or ending always in their feeling, in themselves, in everything that happens to them, in everything that happens to every one.
Sometimes then to one all the world is full of beginning to them, to some then sometimes, all the world is filled up full with ending. To some then sometimes all the world is filled up full with beginning, to some then sometimes all the world is filled up full with ending, to some then sometimes all the world is filled up full with continuing. To some the world always is filled up full with beginning, to some everything and every one is always filled up full with continuing, to some always all their living every one they ever see around them, everything, is ending. There are then many kinds of ways of feeling. Every one has sometime some kind of feeling in them of every one and everything, as always beginning, always continuing or always ending, many have a mixture in them. Repeating then is in every one, in every one their being and their feeling and their way of realising everything and every one comes out of them in repeating. More and more then every one comes to be clear to some one.
Slowly every one in continuous repeating, to their minutest variation, comes to be clearer to some one. Every one who ever was or is or will be living sometimes will be clearly realised by some one. Sometime there will be an ordered history of every one. Slowly every kind of one comes into ordered recognition. More and more then it is wonderful in living the subtle variations coming clear into ordered recognition, coming to make every one a part of some kind of them, some kind of men and women. Repeating then is in every one, every one then comes sometime to be clearer to some one, sometime there will be then an orderly history of every one who ever was or is or will be living. Repeating then is in every one, repeating then makes a complete history in every one for some one sometime to realise in that one. Repeating is in them of the most delicate shades in them of being and of feeling and so it comes to be clear in each one the complete nature in each one, it comes to be clear in each one the connection between that one and others to make a kind of them, a kind of men and women. Repeating is a wonderful thing in being, everything, every one is repeating then always the whole of them and so sometime there surely will be an ordered history of every one. More and more then this is a clear thing. Everyone has their own being in them, every one has repeating always in them always of the whole of them, always the kinds of them come to be clearer and the division again into kinds of them. Sometime then there will be an orderly history of every kind of men and women and that will be very interesting.
There is now then coming to be an ending of the beginning of the history of the Hersland family. There are then now living in the ten acre place in that part of Gossols where no other rich people were living. Mr. and Mrs. Hersland and the three Hersland children. There will now come to be a history of each one of the three children and in the history of each one of them more history of Mr. and Mrs. Hersland and more history of the governesses and the seamstresses and servants in the house with them and more history of the families in the small houses near them, and histories of every one they ever came to know in their living, al three of the Hersland children. There is then to be a history of each une of the children, there is then to be a history of the later living of Mr. and Mrs. Hersland, there is then to be more and more a history of everyone who ever was or is or will be living. Sometime there will be written a long book that is a real history of every one who ever were or are or will be living, from their beginning to their ending, now there is a history of the Hersland and the Dehning families and every one who ever came to know them.
This is now a history of the Hersland family being and of the
being of the people they came to know in their living. There has
now been some description of the Hersland family and their living
in the beginning and middle living of Mr. David Hersland and his
wife Fanny Hersland. There has been already a little description of
them. There will be later more description of them. There is now to
be a beginning of the description of the being and the living in
each of the three Hersland children. There is now to be a beginning
of description of the being of the oldest of them, there is now to
be a beginning of a description of the being of Martha Hersland and
a beginning of a description of the being in every one she ever
came to know in her living. Later there will be a description of
the being in all three of the Hersland children and a description
of every one they ever came to know in their living. Now there is a
beginning of description of the being in the oldest of the three
children, now there is a commencing a beginning of a description of
the being and the living in Martha Hersland the oldest of the
children and of every one she ever knew in her living. To begin
then.
I am writing for myself and strangers. This is the only way that I can do it. Everybody is a real one to me, everybody is like some one else too to me. No one of them that I know can want to know it and so I write for myself and strangers.
Every one is always busy with it, no one of them then ever want to know it that every one looks like some one else and they see it. Mostly every one dislikes to hear it. It is very important to me to always know it, to always see it which one looks like others and to tell it. I write for myself and strangers. I do this for my own sake and for the sake of those who know I know it that they look like other ones, that they are separate and yet always repeated. There are some who like it that I know they are like many others and repeat it, there are many who never can really like it.
There are many that I know and they know it. They are all of them repeating and I hear it. I love it and I tell it, I love it and now I will write it. This is now the history of the way some of them are it.
I write for myself and strangers. No one who knows me can like it. At least they mostly do not like it that every one is of a kind of men and women and I see it. I love it and I write it.
I want readers so strangers must do it. Mostly no one knowing me can like it that I love it that every one is of a kind of men and women, that always I am looking and comparing and classifying of them, always I am seeing their repeating. Always more and more I love repeating, it may be irritating to hear from them but always more and more I love it of them. More and more I love it of them, the being in them, the mixing in them, the repeating in them, the deciding the kind of them every one is who has human being.
This is now a little of what I love and how I write it. Later there will be much more of it.
There are many ways of making kinds of men and women. Now there will be descriptions of every kind of way every one can be a kind of men and women.
This is now a history of Martha Hersland. This is now a history of Martha and of every one who came to be of her living.
There will then be soon much description of every way one can think of men and women, in their beginning, in their middle living, and their ending.
Every one then is an individual being. Every one then is like many others always living, there are many ways of thinking of every one, this is now a description of all of them. There must then be a whole history of each one of them. There must then now be a description of all repeating. Now I will tell all the meaning to me in repeating, the loving there is in me for repeating.
Every one is one inside them, every one reminds some one of some other one who is or was or will be living. Every one has it to say of each one he is like such a one I see it in him, every one has it to say of each one she is like some one else I can tell by remembering. So it goes on always in living, every one is always remembering some one who is resembling to the one at whom they are then looking. So they go on repeating, every one is themselves inside them and every one is resembling to others, and that is always interesting. There are many ways of making kinds of men and women. In each way of making kinds of them there is a different system of finding them resembling. Sometime there will be here every way there can be of seeing kinds of men and women. Sometime there will be then a complete history of each one. Every one always is repeating the whole of them and so sometime some one who sees them will have a complete history of every one. Sometime some one will know all the ways there are for people to be resembling, some one sometime then will have a completed history of every one.
Soon now there will be a history of the way repeating comes out of them comes out of men and women when they are young, when they are children, they have then their own system of being resembling; this will soon be a description of the men and women in beginning, the being young in them, the being children.
There is then now and here the loving repetition, this is then, now and here, a description of the loving of repetition and then there will be a description of all the kinds of ways there can be seen to be kinds of men and women. Then there will be realised the complete history of every one, the fundamental character of every one, the bottom nature in them, the mixtures in them, the strength and weakness of everything they have inside them, the flavor of them, the meaning in them, the being in them, and then you have a whole history then of each one. Everything then they do in living is clear to the completed understanding, their living, loving, eating, pleasing, smoking, thinking, scolding, drinking, working, dancing, walking, talking, laughing, sleeping, everything in them. There are whole beings then, they are themselves inside them, repeating coming out of them makes a history of each one of them.
Always from the beginning there was to me all living as repeating. This is now a description of my feeling. As I was saying listening to repeating is often irritating, always repeating is all of living, everything in a being is always repeating, more and more listening to repeating gives to me completed understanding. Each one slowly comes to be a whole one to me. Each one slowly comes to be a whole one in me. Soon then it commences to sound through my ears and eyes and feelings the repeating that is always coming out from each one, that is them, that makes then slowly of each one of them a whole one. Repeating then comes slowly then to be to one who has it to have loving repeating as natural being comes to be a full sound telling all the being in each one such a one is ever knowing. Sometimes it takes many years of knowing some one before the repeating that is that one gets to be a steady sounding to the hearing of one who has it as a natural being to love repeating that slowly comes out from every one. Sometimes it takes many years of knowing some one before the repeating in that one comes to be a clear history of such a one. Natures sometimes are so mixed up in some one that steady repeating in them is mixed up with changing. Soon then there will be a completed history of each one. Sometimes it is difficult to know it in some, for what these are saying is repeating in them is not the real repeating of them, is not the complete repeating for them. Sometimes many years of knowing some one pass before repeating of all being in them comes out clearly from them. As I was saying it is often irritating to listen to the repeating they are doing, always then that one that has it as being to love repeating that is the whole history of each one, such a one has it then that this irritation passes over into patient completed understanding. Loving repeating is one way of being. This is now a description of such feeling.
There are many that I know and they know it. They are all of them repeating and I hear it. I love it and I tell it. I love it and now I will write it. This is now a history of my love of it. I hear it and I love it and I write it. They repeat it. They live it and I see it and I hear it. They live it and I hear it and I see it and I love it and now and always I will write it. There are many kinds of men and women and I know it. They repeat it and I hear it and I love it. This is now a history of the way they do it. This is now a history of the way I love it.
Now I will tell of the meaning to me in repeating, of the loving there is in me for repeating.
Sometime every one becomes a whole one to me. Sometime every one has a completed history for me. Slowly each one is a whole one to me, with some, all their living is passing before they are a whole one to me. There is a completed history of them to me then when there is of them a completed understanding of the bottom nature in them of the nature or natures mixed-up in them with the bottom nature of them or separated in them. There is then a history of the things they say and do and feel, and happen to them. There is then a history of the living in them. Repeating is always in all of them. Repeating in them comes out of them, slowly making clear to any one that looks closely at them the nature and the natures mixed up in them. This sometime comes to be clear in every one.
Often as I was saying repeating is very irritating to listen to from them and then slowly it settles into a completed history of them. Repeating is a wonderful thing in living being. Sometime then the nature of every one comes to be clear to some one listening to the repeating coming out of each one.
This is then now to be a little description of the loving feeling for understanding of the completed history of each one that comes to one who listens always steadily to all repeating. This is the history then of the loving feeling in me of repeating, the loving feeling in me for completed understanding of the completed history of every one as it slowly comes out in every one as patiently and steadily I hear it and see it as repeating in them. This is now a little a description of this loving feeling. This is now a little a history of it from the beginning.
Always then I listen and come back again and again to listen to every one. Always then I am thinking and feeling the repeating in every one. Sometime then there will be for me a completed history of every one. Every one is separate then and a kind of men and women.
Sometime it takes many years of knowing some one before the repeating in that one comes to be a clear history of such a one. Sometimes many years of knowing some one pass before repeating of all being in such a one comes out clearly from them, makes a completed understanding of them by some one listening, watching, hearing all the repeating coming out from such a one.
As I was saying loving listening, hearing always all repeating, coming to completed understanding of each one is to some a natural way of being. This is now more description of the feeling such a one has in them, this is now more description of the way listening to repeating comes to make completed understanding. This is now more description of the way repeating slowly comes to make in each one a completed history of them.
There are many that I know and always more and more I know it. They are all of them repeating and I hear it. More and more I understand it. Always more and more I hear it, always more and more it has completed history in it.
Every one has their own being in them. Every one is of a kind of men and women. Many have mixed up in them some kind of many kinds of men and women. Slowly this comes clearly out from them in the repeating that is always in all living. Slowly it comes out from them to the most delicate gradation, to the gentlest flavor of them. Always it comes out as repeating from them. Always it comes out as repeating, out of them. Then to the complete understanding they keep on repeating this, the whole of them and any one seeing them then can understand them. This is a joy to any one loving repeating when in any one repeating steadily tells over and over again the history of the complete being in them. This is a solid happy satisfaction to any one who has it in them to love repeating and completed understanding.
As I was saying often for many years some one is baffling. The repeated hearing of them does not make the completed being they have in them to any one. Sometimes many years pass in listening to repeating in such a one and the being of them is not a completed history to any one then listening to them. Sometimes then it comes out of them a louder repeating that before was not clear to anybody's hearing and then it is a completed being to some one listening to the repeating coming out of such a one.
This is then now a description of loving repeating being in some. This is then now a description of loving repeating being in one.
There are many that I know and they know it. They are all of them repeating and I hear it. More and more I understand it. I love it and I tell it. I love it and always I will tell it. They live it and I see it and I hear it. They repeat it and I hear it and I see it, sometime then always I understand it, sometime then always there is a completed history of each one by it, sometime then I will tell the completed history of each one as by repeating I come to know it.
Every one always is repeating the whole of them. Every one is repeating the whole of them, such repeating is then always in them and so sometime some one who sees them will have a complete understanding of the whole of each one of them, will have a completed history of every man and every woman they ever come to know in their living, every man and every woman who were or are or will be living whom such a one can come to know in living.
This then is a history of many men and women, sometime there will be a history of every one.
As I was saying every one always is repeating the whole of them. As I was saying sometimes it takes many years of hearing the repeating in one before the whole being is clear to the understanding of one who has it as a being to love repeating, to know that always every one is repeating the whole of them.
This is then the way such a one, one who has it as a being to love repeating, to know that always every one is repeating the whole of them comes to a completed understanding of any one. This is now a description of such a way of hearing repeating.
Every one always is repeating the whole of them. Many always listen to all repeating that comes to them in their living. Some have it as being to love the repeating that is always in every one coming out from them as a whole of them. This is now a description of such a one and the completed understanding of each one who is repeating in such a one's living.
Every one always is repeating the whole of them. Always, one having loving repeating to getting completed understanding must have in them an open feeling, a sense for all the slightest variations in repeating, must never lose themselves so in the solid steadiness of all repeating that they do not hear the slightest variation. If they get deadened by the steady pounding of repeating they will not learn from each one even though each one always is repeating the whole of them they will not learn the completed history of them, they will not know the being really in them.
As I was saying every one always is repeating the whole of them. As I was saying sometimes it takes many years of listening, seeing, living, feeling, loving the repeating there is in some before one comes to a completed understanding. This is now a description, of such a way of hearing, seeing, feeling living, loving, repetition.
Mostly every one loves some one's repeating. Mostly every one then, comes to know then the being of some one by loving the repeating in them, the repeating coming out of them. There are some who love everybody's repeating, this is now a description of such loving in one.
Mostly every one loves some one's repeating. Every one always is repeating the whole of them. This is now a history of getting completed understanding by loving repeating in every one the repeating that always is coining out of them as a complete history of them. This is now a description of learning to listen to all repeating that every one always is making of the whole of them.
Now I will tell of the meaning to me in repeating, of the loving there is in me for repeating.
Always from the beginning there was to me all living as repeating. This is now a description of loving repeating as a being. This is now a history of learning to listen to repeating to come to a completed understanding.
To go on now giving all of the description of how repeating comes to have meaning, how it forms itself, how one must distinguish the different meanings in repeating. Sometimes it is very hard to understand the meaning of repeating. Sometime there will be a complete history of some one having loving repeating as being, to a completed understanding Now there will be a little description of such a one.
Sometime then there will be a complete history of all repeating to completed understanding. Sometime then there will be a complete history of every one who ever was or is or will be living.
Sometime there will be a complete history of some one having loving repeating to a completed understanding as being. Sometime then there will be a complete history of many women and many men.
Now there is to be some description of some one having loving repeating to a completed understanding as being. Then there will be a complete history of some.
More and more then there will be a history of many men and many women from their beginning to their ending, as being babies and children and growing young men and growing young women and young grown men and young grown women and men and women in their middle living and growing old men and growing old women and old men and old women.
More and more then there will be histories of all the kinds there are of men and women.
This is now a little description of having loving repeating as being. This is now a little description of one having loving repeating as being.
Loving repeating is one way of being. This is now a description of such being. Loving repeating is always in children. Loving repeating is in a way earth feeling. Some children have loving repeating for little things and story-telling, some have it as a more bottom being. Slowly this comes out in them in all their children being, in their eating, playing, crying, and laughing. Loving repeating is then in a way earth feeling. This is very strong in some. This is very strong in many, in children and in old age being. This is very strong in many in all ways of humorous being, this is very strong in some from their beginning to their ending. This is now some description of such being in one.
As I was saying loving repeating being is in a way earthy being. In some it is repeating that gives to them always a solid feeling of being. In some children there is more feeling in repeating eating and playing, in some in story-telling and their feeling. More and more in living as growing young men and women and grown young men and women and men and women in their middle living, more and more there comes to be in them differences in loving repeating in different kinds of men and women, there comes to be in some more and in some less loving repeating. Loving repeating in some is a going on always in them of earthy being, in some it is the way to completed understanding. Loving repeating then in some is their natural way of complete being. This is now some description of one.
There is then always repeating in all living. There is then in each one always repeating their whole being, the whole nature in them. Much loving repeating has to be in a being so that that one can listen to all the repeating in every one. Almost every one loves all repeating in some one. This is now some description of loving repeating, all repeating, in every one.
To begin again with the children. To begin again with the repeating being in them. To begin again with the loving repeating being in them. As I was saying, some children have it in them to love repeating in them of eating, of angry feeling in them, many of them have loving repeating for storytelling in them, many of them have loving repeating being in them for any kind of being funny, in making jokes or teasing, many of them have loving repeating being in them in all kinds of playing. Mostly every one when they are children, mostly every one has then loving repeating being strongly in them, some have it more some have it less in them and this comes out more and more in them as they come to be young adolescents in their being and then grown young men and grown young women.
To begin again then with children in their having loving repeating being. Mostly all children have loving repeating as being in them but some have it much more and some have it much less in them. Loving repeating being is more of that kind of being that has resisting as its natural way of fighting than of that kind of being that has attacking as its natural way of winning. But this is a very complicated question. I know very much about these ways of being in men and women. I know it and can say it, it is a very complex question and I do not know yet the whole of it, so I can not yet say all I know of it.
As I was saying all little children have in them mostly very much loving repeating being. As they grow into bigger children some have it more some have it less in them. Some have it in them more and more as a conscious feeling. Many of them do not have it in them more and more as a conscious feeling. Mostly when they are growing to be young men and women they have not it in them to have loving repeating being in them as a conscious feeling.
Mostly every one has not it in them as a conscious feeling as a young grown man or young grown woman. Some have it in them, loving repeating feeling as steadily developing, this is now a history of one.
Many men and many women never have it in them the conscious feeling of loving repeating. Many men and many women never have it in them until old age weakening is in them, a consciousness of repeating. Many have it in them all their living as a conscious feeling as a humorous way of being in them. Some have it in them, the consciousness of always repeating the whole of them as a serious obligation. There are many many ways then of having repeating as conscious feeling, of having loving repeating as a bottom being, of having loving repeating being as a conscious feeling.
As I was saying mostly all children have in them loving repeating being as important in them to them and to every one around them. Mostly growing young men and growing young women have to themselves very little loving repeating being, they do not have it to each other then most of them, they have it to older ones then as older ones have it to them loving repeating being, not loving repeating being but repeating as the way of being in them, repeating of the whole of them as coming every minute from them.
In the middle living of men and women there are very different ways of feeling to repeating, some have more and more in them loving repeating as a conscious feeling, some have less and less liking in them for the repeating in, to them, of mostly every one. Mostly every one has a loving feeling for repeating in some one. Some have not any such loving even in the repeating going on inside themselves then, not even for any one they are loving.
Some then have always growing in them more and more loving feeling for the repeating in every one. Many have not any loving for repeating in many of those around them.
There are then many ways of feeling in one about repeating. There are many ways of knowing repeating when one sees and hears and feels it in every one.
Loving repeating then is important being in some. This is now some description of the importance of loving repeating being in one.
Some find it interesting to find inside them repeating in them of some one they have known or some relation to them coming out in them, some never have any such feeling in them, some have not any liking for such being in them. Some like to see such being in others around them but not in themselves inside them. There are many ways of feeling in one about all these kinds of repeating. Sometime there will be written the history of all of them.
To begin again then with some description of the meaning of loving repeating being when it is strongly in a man or in a woman, when it is in them their way of understanding everything in living and there are very many always living of such being. This is now again a beginning of a little description of it in one.
Repeating of the whole of them is then always in every one. There are different stages in being, there is being babies and children and then growing young men or women and grown young men or women and men or women in middle living and in growing old and in ending. There are many kinds of men and women and soon now there will be a beginning of a history of all of them who ever were or are or will be living. There will be then here written a history of some of them. To begin again then with loving repeating being as a bottom nature in some. To begin again with the developing of it in one.
As I was saying children have it in them to have strongly loving repeating being as a conscious feeling in so far as they can be said to have such a thing in them. It gives to them a solid feeling of knowing they are safe in living. With growing it comes to be more in some, it comes to be less in others of them. Mostly there is very little conscious loving repeating feeling in growing young men and women.
In the beginning then, in remembering, repeating was strongly in the feeling of one, in the feeling of many, in the feeling of most of them who have it to have strongly in them their earthy feeling of being part of the solid dirt around them. This is one kind of being. This is mostly of one kind of being, of slow-minded resisting fighting being. This is now a little a description of one.
Slowly then some go on living, they may be fairly quick in learning, some of such of them seem very quick and impetuous in learning and in acting but such learning has for such of them very little meaning, it is the slow repeating resisting inside them that has meaning for them. Now there will be a little a description of loving repeating being in one of such of them.
The kinds and ways of repeating, of attacking and resisting in different kinds of men and women, the practical, the emotional, the sensitive, the every kind of being in every one who ever was or is or will be living, I know so much about all of them, many of them are very clear in kinds of men and women, in individual men and women, I know them so well inside them, repeating in them has so much meaning to knowing, more and more I know all there is of all being, more and more I know it in all the ways it is in them and comes out of them, sometime there will be a history of every one, sometime all history of all men and women will be inside some one.
Now there will be a little description of the coming to be history of all men and women, in some one. This is then to be a little history of such a one. This is then now to be a little description of loving repeating being in one.
Almost every one has it in them in their beginning to have loving repeating being strongly in them. Some of them have attacking being as the bottom nature in them, some of them have resisting being as the bottom nature in them. Some of both these kinds of them have more or less in all their living loving repeating being in them, it works differently in them to come out of them in these two kinds of them. Later there will be much description of the way it comes out from them and is in them in the different kinds of them. Now there is to be a little description of it in one having resisting as the way of winning fighting. This is now some description of such a one having loving repeating being developing into completed understanding. Now to slowly begin.
The relation of learning to being, of thinking to feeling, of realisation to emotion, all these and many others are very complicated questions. Sometimes there will be much description of them with the kinds of men and women with being in them, with mixtures in them, that complicates them. There will sometime be a history of every one. This is a sure thing.
Now again to begin. The relation of learning and thinking to being, of feeling to realising is a complicated question. There will now be very little talking of such way of being. As I was saying some have it in them to have slowly resisting as their natural way of being can have learning and thinking come quickly enough in them. This is then not bottom being in them. It is bottom being in some of such of them. This is very clear now in my knowing. Now to begin again with it as telling.
Some then who are of that kind of being who have slow resisting being as their way to wisdom have it in them to be quick in learning and in thinking and in acting. As I was saying in some this is not of the bottom nature in them, in some it is bottom nature in them for the slow resisting winning bottom to them was not put in in the making of them, in some it is in them but dull and not mixing in their living, in some it is not sensitive to action in their living, it is there in them going on inside them not connecting on with the rest of them. This is not just talking, this all has real meaning. These are all then of a kind of men and women who have resisting being as the real wisdom in them. In some of such of them they seem to be winning by acting by attacking they live so very successfully in living but nevertheless they are of the kind of them that have resisting winning as their real way of fighting although never in their living does this act in them. Careful listening to the whole of them always repeating shows this in them, what kind they are of men and women.
To begin again. This is now some description of one having loving repeating as a way to wisdom, having slowly resisting winning as the bottom being. As I was saying learning in such a one and thinking about everything can be quick enough in the beginning.
The important thing then in knowing the bottom nature in any one is the way their real being slowly comes to be them, the whole of them comes to be repeating in them.
As I was saying some can have quick learning and nervous attacking or one or the other in them with slow resisting being in them as their natural way of winning. There is every kind of mixing. There is every degree of intensification. There is every degree of hastening the resisting into more rapid realisation. There is every degree of hurrying. In short there are all degrees of intensification and rapidity in motion and mixing and disguising and yet the kind he is each one, the kind she is each one, comes to be clear in the repeating that more and more steadily makes them clear to any one looking hard at them. These kinds then are existing, the independent dependent, the dependent independent, the one with attacking as the way of winning, the other with resisting as the way of wisdom for them. I know then this is true of every one that each one is of one or the other kind of these two kinds of them. I know it is in them, I know many more thing about these two kinds of them. Slowly they come to be clearer in every one, sometime perhaps it will be clear to every one. Sometime perhaps some one will have completely in them the history of every one of everything in every one and the degree and kind and way of being of everything in each one in them from their beginning to their ending and coming out of them.
This is then a beginning of the way of knowing everything in every one, of knowing the complete history of each one who ever is or was or will be living. This is then a little description of the winning of so much wisdom.
As I was saying the important thing is having loving repeating being, that is the beginning of learning the complete history of every one. That being must always be in such a one, one who has it in them sometime to have in them the completed history of every one they ever can hear of as having being.
There are so many ways of beginning this description, and now once more to make a beginning.
Always repeating is all of living, everything that is being is always repeating, more and more listening to repeating gives to me completed understanding. Each one then slowly comes to be a whole one to me, each one slowly comes to be a whole one in me, slowly it sounds louder and louder and louder inside me through my ears and eyes and feelings and the talking there is always in me the repeating that is the whole of each one I come to know around, and each one of them then comes to be a whole one to me, comes to be a whole one in me. Loving repeating is one way of being. This is now a description of such being.
Always from the beginning there was to me all living as repeating. This was not in me then a conscious being. Always more and more this is in me developing to a completed being. This is now again a beginning of a little description of such being.
In their beginning as children every one has in them loving repeating being. This is for them then their natural being. Later in conscious being some have much in them of loving repeating being, some have in them almost nothing of such feeling. There are then these two kinds of them. This is then one way of thinking of them.
There are two kinds of men and women, those who have in them resisting as their way of winning those who have in them attacking as their way of winning fighting, there are many kinds, many very many kinds of each of these two kinds of men and women, sometime there will be written a description of all the kinds of them. Now this division is accepted by me and I will now give a little more description of loving repeating being and then go on to describing how it comes to slowly give to me completed understanding, loving repeating being always in me acting, of this one and that one, and then there will be some description of resembling coming to be clear by looking at the repeating in men and women and then there will be more history of Martha Hersland and the being coming out of her all her living and the being in every one she came to know in living.
Always then from the beginning there was in me always increasing as a conscious feeling loving repeating being, learning to know repeating in every one, hearing the whole being of any one always repeating in that one every minute of their living. There was then always in me as a bottom nature to me an earthy, resisting slow understanding, loving repeating being. As I was saying this has nothing to do with ordinary learning, in a way with ordinary living. This will be clearer later in this description.
Many have loving repeating being in them, many never come to know it of them, many never have it as a conscious feeling, many have in it a restful satisfaction. Some have in it always more and more under standing, many have in it very little enlarging understanding. There is every kind of way of having loving repeating being as a bottom. It is very clear to me and to my feeling, it is very slow in developing, it is very important to make it clear how in writing, it must be done now with a slow description. To begin again then with it in my feeling, to begin again then to tell of the meaning to me in all repeating, of the loving there is in me for repeating.
Sometime every one becomes a whole one to me. For many years this was just forming in me. Now sometimes it takes many years for some one to be a whole one to me. For many years loving repeating was a bottom to me, I was never thinking then of the meaning of it in me, it had nothing then much to do with the learning, the talking, the thinking, nor the living then in me. There was for many years a learning and talking and questioning in me and not listening to repeating in every one around me. Then slowly loving repeating being came to be a conscious feeling in me. Slowly then every one sometime became a whole one to me.
Now I will tell of the meaning in me of repeating, of the loving repeating being there is now always in me.
In loving repeating being then to completed understanding there must always be a feeling for all changing, a feeling for living being that is always in repeating. This is now again a beginning of a description of my feeling.
Always then I am thinking and feeling the repeating in each one as I know them. Always then slowly each one comes to be a whole one to me. As I was saying loving repeating in every one, hearing always all repeating, coming to completed understanding of each one is to me a natural way of being.
There are many that I know and always more and more I know it. They are all of them repeating and I hear it. They are all of them living and I know it. More and more I understand it, always more and more it has completed history in it.
Every one has their own being in them. Every one is of a kind of men and women. Always more and more I know the whole history of each one. This is now a little a description of such knowing in me. This is now a little a description of beginning of hearing repeating all around me.
As I was saying learning, thinking, living in the beginning of being men and women often has in it very little of real being. Real being, the bottom nature, often does not then in the beginning do very loud repeating. Learning, thinking, talking, living, often then is not of the real bottom being. Some are this way all their living. Some slowly come to be repeating louder and more clearly the bottom being that makes them. Listening to repeating, knowing being in every one who ever was or is or will be living slowly came to be in me a louder and louder pounding. Now I have it to my feeling to feel all living, to be always listening to the slightest changing, to have each one come to be a whole one to me from the repeating in each one that sometime I come to be understanding. Listening to repeating is often irritating, listening to repeating can be dulling, always repeating is all of living, everything in a being is always repeating, always more and more listening to repeating gives to me completed understanding. Each one slowly comes to be a whole one to me. Each one slowly comes to be a whole one in me.
In the beginning then learning and thinking and talking and feeling and loving and working in me mostly was not bottom being in me. Slowly it came out in me the feeling for living in repeating that now by listening and watching and feeling everything coming out of each one and always repeating the whole one gives to me completed understanding.
There was a time when I was questioning, always asking, when I was talking, wondering, there was a time when I was feeling, thinking and all the time then I did not know repeating, I did not see or hear or feel repeating. There was a long time then when there was nothing in me using the bottom loving repeating being that now leads me to knowing. Then I was attacking, questioning, wondering, thinking, always at the bottom was loving repeating being, that was not then there to my conscious being. Sometime there will be written a long history of such a beginning.
Always then there was there a recognition of the thing always repeating, the being in each one, and always then thinking, feeling, talking, living, was not of this real being. Slowly I came to hear repeating. More and more then I came to listen, now always and always I listen and always now each one comes to be a whole one to me.
This will be clearer now in a description of how several men and several women came to be a whole one to me. Later then there will be more description of the knowing of the kinds there are of men and women, of the resembling that makes kinds of them around one. Now there will be a little description of the slow way repeating makes a whole one to me. Later there will be again a continuing of the description of the living of the Hersland family, the father and the mother and the three children.
Now this is the way I hear repeating. This is the way slowly some men and some women, each one, comes to be a whole one to me.
There are many that I know and always more and more I know it. They are all of them repeating and I hear it. More and more I understand it. Always more and more I know it, always more and more it has completed history in it.
Every one then has their own being in them. Every one is of a kind of men and women. Always then I listen and come back again and again to listen to every one. Always then I am thinking and feeling the repeating in every one. Sometime then there will be for me a completed history of every one. Every one is separate then. Every one is always repeating the whole of them.
Sometimes it takes many years of knowing some one before the repeating in that one comes to be a clear history of such a one. Sometimes many years of knowing some one pass before repeating of all being in such a one comes out clearly from them, makes a completed understanding of them by some one listening, watching, hearing all the repeating coming out from such a one.
As I was saying always then I listen and feel and say and come back again and again to the repeating in every one. Sometime then each one comes to be to me a completed being. This is now the slowly completed history of some.
There are many that I know and I know it. They are many that I know and they know it. They are all of them themselves and they repeat it and I hear it. Always I listen to it. Slowly I come to understand it. Many years I listened and did not know it. I heard it, I understood it some, I did not know I heard it. They repeat themselves now and I listen to it. Every way that they do it now I hear it. Now each time very slowly I come to understand it. Always it comes very slowly the completed understanding of it, the repeating each one does to tell it the whole history of the being in each one, always now I hear it. Always now slowly I understand it.
There are many that I know and always more and more I know it. They are always all of them always repeating themselves and I hear it. Always I stop myself from being too quickly sure that I have heard all of it. Always I begin again to listen to it. Always I remember all the times I thought I had heard all of it all the repeating in some one and then there was much more to it. Always I remember every way one can hear only a part of it, the repeating that is the whole history of any one and so always I begin again as if I had never heard it.
Always I love it, sometimes I get a little tired of it, mostly I am always ready to do it, always I love it, listening up to completed understanding of the repeating that sometime is a completed history of each one is all my life and always I live it. I love it and I live it. Sometimes I am tired in it, mostly I am always ready for it.
Mostly in the beginning as I was saying I heard repeating, I was learning, thinking, talking, living not really anything I was really knowing. Slowly I came to be living, loving thinking, feeling, hearing every one repeating, beginning again and again so as to feel all changing, remembering all the ways one always can come to be mistaken. Sometime there will be more history of it the way some young people live it the beginning and then slowly the bottom in them comes to be all them. Sometime there will be a history of all young living, feeling, talking, thinking, being. Some have their real being in young living, some do not have it then in them. Later there will be a history of all of them, of every one.
To begin then again with a little description of my coming to completed understanding of some now that I am always hearing, seeing, feeling all being in each one repeating. Later there will be a description of earlier learning. Now there will be some description of realising some, now when hearing repeating is my natural way of learning. To begin then.
There are many that I know and always slowly I understand more, and more of it, the way I know it, the way I come to know it. There are many that I know. Always slowly I understand more and more of it. Slowly each one that I know comes to be a real one to me.
Every one has their own being in them. Slowly in listening, seeing, feeling all the repeating in each one of them slowly each one of them comes to be a whole one to any one that so hears and feels and sees them. This is now a little description of some, this is now a little description of how hearing, feeling, seeing repeating in some makes of such of them to such a one completed beings. This is now a little such a description to lead up to kinds of men and women. To begin then.
Every one I am ever knowing slowly comes to be a whole one to me. Each one slowly comes to be a whole one in me. Sometimes for many years some one is baffling. I hear them and I see them and I feel them in all the repeating I can see and hear and feel from them and seeing, hearing, feeling does not give to me completed understanding of the completed being in them.
Sometimes some one for many years is baffling. The repeated hearing, seeing, feeling of repeating in them does not give to me then a history of the complete being in them. Slowly then sometime it comes to be clearer of them, I begin again with listening, I feel new shades in repeating, parts of repeating that I was neglecting hearing, seeing, feeling come to have a louder beating. Slowly it comes to a fuller sounding, sometimes many years pass in such a baffling listening, feeling, seeing all the repeating in some one. Then slowly such a one comes to have real meaning. Many times I begin and then begin again. Always I must not begin a deadened following, always their repeating must be a fresh feeling in my hearing, seeing, feeling. Always I must admit all changing. Always I must have a sensitive and open being, always I must have a loving repeating being. Often listening to them is irritating, often it is dulling, always then there must be in me new beginning, always there must be in me steadily alive inside me my loving repeating being. Then sometime every one is a completed being to me, sometime every one has a completed history to me. Always then it comes out of them their whole repeating, sometime then I can feel and hear and see it all and it has meaning. Sometime then each one I am ever knowing comes to be to me a completed being, and then always they are always repeating always the whole of them.
There are many that I know then. They are all of them repeating and I hear it, see it, feel it. More and more I understand it. I love it, I tell it. I love it, I live it and I tell it. Always I will tell it. They live it and I see it and I hear it and I feel it. They live it and I see it and I hear it and I feel it and I love it, sometime then I understand it, sometime then there is a completed history of each one by it, sometime then I will tell the completed history of every one as by hearing, feeling, seeing all repeating I come to know it. Now I will just tell a few short histories to explain it, to explain hearing, feeling, seeing repeating and understanding being by it. Now I will tell a few short histories in it to show loving repeating being in me and how I use it.
As I was saying every one I am ever knowing slowly comes to be a whole one to me. Each one slowly comes to be a whole one to me. Some come to have for me complete meaning quicker then others of them. Mostly all of them come pretty slowly to be a whole one to me. This is now a little description of some who have come to be inside me as a whole one to me, some very slowly, some quicker to me. Always I am hearing, feeling, seeing all repeating in them, always I have as a bottom loving repeating being.
Everybody is a real one to me, everybody is like some one else too to me. This is always there in me this and loving repeating being, always, in me.
Everybody is a real one to me, everybody is like some one else too to me. Every one always is repeating the whole of them. Each one slowly comes to be a whole one to me. Each one slowly comes to be a whole one in me.
Some one coming to be a whole one in me is now what I am describing. Every one is like some one else too to me, that will have more meaning later when I am talking of the kinds there are of men and women. Always every one is repeating the whole of them, that is always there to bring to me completed understanding. That is always there in every one to some one. That is always there in every one to be a complete history always coming out of them.
To begin then again with a few of them who slowly come to be each one of them a whole one to me.
Each one slowly comes to be a whole one to me. Each one slowly comes to be a whole one in me. Every one always is repeating. As I was saying sometimes it is very irritating hearing, feeling, seeing repeating in some one, in every one. More and more then when such a one is a whole one to me, more and more then as loving repeating is all my being, more and more then I am happy in my loving repeating being. Now then.
Each one slowly comes to be a whole one to me. Each one slowly comes to be a whole one in me. This is now a description of learning one.
There are then many ways of learning, there are then many ways of having men and women come to be a whole one to me, come to be a whole one in me. To begin now with one.
This one very slowly came to be a whole one to me. This one very slowly came to be a whole one in me. Always now this one is a complete one to me. Always now all the repeating I am hearing coming from this one has real meaning. This is now a description of this learning.
Each one slowly comes to be a whole one to me. Each one slowly comes to be a whole one in me. This one very slowly came to be a whole one in me. This then is now a description of one way of learning to listen, feel and see all the repeating in some. Then there will be descriptions of other ways of learning. Now to begin again with this one.
Each one slowly comes to be a whole one to me. Each one slowly comes to be a whole one in me. With some, right understanding of the repeating always coming out from them takes many years of loving repeating being in me to bring me to such understanding.
Each one slowly comes to be a whole one to me. Sometimes listening, feeling, seeing, repeating in such a one is very irritating. Slowly it comes clear and the one comes to be a whole one to me.
There are many ways then of learning the complete being in any one, this is now a description of one. There are many that I know and I know it. Sometimes it takes many years to learn it. Sometime each one is a whole one to me. Sometime each one is a whole one in me. Sometimes alter I have them so I lose them and then I must begin again to learn them. Mostly when I know them they keep on being a whole one in me. Some are easier to keep as a whole one to one than others around one. Some are easier to hold as a whole one when one is thinking of them, some are easier to keep as a whole one when one is hearing them coming out from them. There are all kinds of ways then of knowing, there are all kinds of ways then of remembering, there are all kinds of ways then of losing a thing after it is knowledge in one. Each one then sometime is a whole one to me. Each one then sometime is a whole one in me. This is now a description of one. This is now a description of one who very slowly came to be a whole one in me. This is now a very short description of learning this one.
Sometimes it takes many years of listening, seeing, living, feeling, loving the repeating there is in some one before one comes to a completed understanding of such a one. Sometimes it is very irritating to do such hearing, seeing, feeling living. Always there is loving repetition being in one doing such listening, seeing, feeling, often it is then very irritating, always then loving feeling for repetition can make one go on living, hearing, seeing, feeling all the repetitions coming out of such a one. As I was saying almost every one has some one who sometimes has listened to all the repeating in that one. This is from the loving feeling some one, sometime has had for that one. Every one mostly, sometimes has listened to all repeating in some one, has heard and felt and seen all the repeating in some one. Mostly every one has sometime had some one hear and see and feel all the repeating coming out of them. Some have it to love every one. Some have it to love many men and many women or many men or many women, some have it to love the repeating in them, some have it to love every one and the repeating in every one, some have it to love some and to love repeating in every one. This is now some description of learning of complete understanding in such a one.
Every one then sometime comes to be a whole one to me. Each one sometime comes to be a whole one in me. Always loving repeating is my way of being. This is now some description of my studying.
There are many that I know and always more and more I know it. They are all of them repeating and I hear it. More and more I understand it. Always more and more I see it, hear it, feel it, always more and more it has to me completed history in it.
Every one has their own being in them. Everybody is a real one to me. Each one sometimes is a whole one to me. Each one is sometimes a whole one in me. Some come very slowly to be a complete being to me.
This is now a description of learning to listen to all repeating that every one always is making of the whole of them. This is now some description of learning to hear, see and feel all repeating that each one always is making of the whole of them. Each one as I was saying some time comes to be a whole one in me, each one sometime comes to be a complete being to me. Sometimes after they are this to me I keep on knowing it inside me, sometimes I lose it, sometimes I doubt it, it is too clear or too vague or too confused inside me. Sometime then I have it all to do again. Always I keep on hearing, feeling, seeing all repeating in each one for always it has more and more being to my feeling.
This is now then some description of my learning. Then there will be a beginning again of Martha Hersland and her being and her living. This is now then first a little studying and then later Martha Hersland will begin living. Now then to do this little studying.
As I was saying each one sometime is a whole one to me. Sometimes some one very very slowly comes to be a whole one to me. Every one is a real one to me. Every one always is repeating the whole of them.
Every one is sometime a puzzle to me. Every one is sometime a whole being to me. Some one sometimes is many years a puzzle to me. Sometime every one, each one is a whole being to me.
Some one sometimes for many years is a puzzle to me. Some slowly come to be a whole one in me. Some all of a sudden come to be a whole one to me. Mostly every one is sometime a puzzle to me. Mostly every one is for some years a puzzle to me. This is now a little a description of how one was a puzzle to me and then came to be clear inside me, came to be a whole one to me. More and more then as they are a whole one to me they are friendly to me there inside me. Always they come to be more and more in me. Always they come to have more and more meaning to me in the repeating which then they are doing clearly to me, of the whole of them.
Many of them then are many years a puzzle to me.
Slowly then each one comes to be to me a whole one, always they are repeating the whole of them then.
Every one is puzzling to me, some for some reason others for other reasons, always every one is puzzling, sometime every one becomes a whole one to me, mostly then they go on repeating clearly to me the whole of them, sometimes they commence again to be a puzzle to me, sometimes I lose the way of hearing clearly the repeating of the whole of them that always every one is always doing.
This one then was puzzling for many years to me and then slowly this one came to be a whole one to me, many others then came to be clear to me. Always then this one has been a whole one to me, always then the whole of this one always is repeating to me. Often, as I was saying, it is very irritating to be listening, irritating when it is puzzling, irritating just to be hearing repeating. More and more as each one is a whole one to me repeating from them is not irritating to me, it is friendly there inside me, they are then each one a whole one in me.
This one then for many years was puzzling to me. Slowly then this one came to repeat clearly to me the whole being and then this one came to be a whole one to me.
Slowly then this one came to be a whole one to me.
Always then I was listening, feeling, looking, always then I was hearing, feeling, seeing the repeating always coming out of this one and always it was puzzling, and mostly it was irritating listening, and always this one was not then a whole one to me.
There is a certain feeling one has in one when some one is not a whole one to one even though one seems to know all the nature of that one. Such a one then is very puzzling and when sometime such a one is a whole one to one all the repeating coming out of them has meaning as part of a whole one. When some one is not a clear one to one, repeating coming out of them has not this clear relation. Then such a one is puzzling until they come to be a whole one. Then repeating coming out of them has clear meaning.
Always then I am hearing, feeling, seeing the repeating always coming out of every one. Loving repeating being is in me always every moment in my living. Sometimes as I was saying hearing repeating is very irritating. Always sometime it comes to be to me a completed history of each one I am ever knowing.
As I was saying, then always I was seeing, feeling, hearing all repeating coming out of this one. As I was saying often it was irritating. As I was saying it was not for many years a clear repeating of a whole being. Slowly then this one came to be a whole one to me. This is now some description.
Sometime each one comes to be a whole one to me. Sometime the bottom nature in each one, the other nature or natures in each one, the mixing or not mixing in them of the natures in them comes to be clear in each one, each one then is a complete one, each one then keeps repeating the whole history of them.
Some then are puzzling a long time, almost every one is puzzling, mostly every one is puzzling to me, sometime mostly every one comes to be a whole one to me.
As I was saying there is a bottom nature in every one, the other nature or natures in them may be of their kind of men and women, if they are at bottom resisting the other nature or natures in them may be of a kind of resisting, they may be of a kind of attacking being. All this is very confusing. All this is very puzzling. Always more and more I know it of each one the being in them the mixtures in them, always more I come to have a completed understanding of each one.
As I was saying every one sometime is a whole one to me. Every one sometime is a complete being in me. Sometimes for many years some one is puzzling, slowly then they come to be clearly a whole one, then all the repeating coming out of them always tells and keeps on telling to me the whole of them. Always then this repeating of the whole of them has more and more completeness to me, more and more of beauty for me, more and more a friendly feeling in me.
In learning one I have been describing there was very long listening, often listening was very irritating, there were many years of puzzled being, there were many years then of believing in the heard, seen, felt repeating which was every one's hearing, feeling, seeing, without puzzling, slowly then there came to be in me a puzzled feeling, slowly then I knew I was not hearing all the repeating this one was doing, I was not feeling, hearing, seeing the repeating that was a complete history of this one, always then I was puzzling, slowly then the repeating coming out of this one was a complete history of this one. Always I am listening to, feeling, seeing what every one thinks about any one. Always I am ready to feel some one will hear some repeating coming out of one that I have not begun yet to see or hear or feel in that one. Always then I am seeing, feeling, hearing what every one else sees or feels or hears as repeating in each one. So then always sometime there will come to be in me a complete seeing, hearing, feeling of the repeating coming out of each one making a complete history of each one.
One then I have been describing was to me a very slow long learning. Always in the beginning the repeating I was hearing, feeling, seeing coming always out of this one was to me a complete history of the being of this one, the being I was first describing that every one who knew this one felt was the being of this one. More and more then hearing this repeating was irritating, more and more then there was in me always a beginning again of listening to, of seeing, feeling the repeating coming out of this one. Slowly then there came to be in me puzzled feeling. Slowly there came to be in me a feeling that it was not a complete repeating I was hearing, not a complete history of her being. Then always I had in me a puzzled feeling, slowly then there came to me to see in this one other repeating that always was repeating but that slowly came to have meaning. Always I was hearing, feeling, seeing every one else feeling, listening to, seeing this one. Slowly then this one came to be a complete one to me. Slowly then all the repeating came to be a complete history of the being of this one always coming out of this one always repeating the whole of the being this one had all of her living. Slowly then every one, everything always helping, slowly then, I always listening, looking, feeling, always then I slowly, always hearing, seeing, feeling came to have this one to be a whole one to me, came to have this one to be a whole one inside me. Always then more and more I heard and saw and felt all the repeating always telling the whole being in her, more and more then I had in me a completed friendly feeling of the whole being that was this one.
Each one comes to be a whole one to me. Each comes to be a whole one in me. Some come very slowly to be a whole one to me. Some come fairly quickly to be a whole one in me. Some come fairly quickly to be a whole one in me, and then this whole one which was just outlines comes to be more and more filled up for me. Some come to be very slowly a whole one to me. There are every kind of way to have men and women, in their beginning, in their middle being, in their ending be a whole one inside any one to that one. Sometime there will be a description of every kind of way any one can know anything, any one can know any one.
Some one sometime comes to be a whole one to me, there are many ways of learning in me, there are many ways of loving learning in me, there are many ways of keeping everything that learning has given to me, inside me. There are many ways then of having some time to have it come that some one is a whole one in me. This is now some description of another one coming to be a whole one to me.
Sometimes I know and hear and feel and see all the repeating in some one, all the repeating that is the whole of some one but it always comes as pieces to me, it is never there to make a whole one to me. Some people have it in them to be in pieces in repeating the whole of them, such of them almost come never to be a whole one to me, some come almost all their living in repeating to be succession not a whole one inside me. Sometimes sometime such a one has a way of loving which makes a whole one of such a one long enough to hear the whole repeating in such a one as a complete one by some one. Such a one comes then sometime to be a whole one and then one loses the whole one repeating of them and they are pieces then of repeating and always it is changing back to pieces of repeating from the little time of loving that a little time makes of them a whole one. There are very many of them and this is now a little a description of the nature in this kind of them, this is now a little a description of learning to know them to make of them a complete one.
Every one then sometime is a whole one to me, every one then sometimes is a whole one in me, some of these do not for long times make a whole one to me inside me. Some of them are a whole one in me and then they go to pieces again inside me, repeating comes out of them as pieces to me, pieces of a whole one that only sometimes is a whole one in me.
There are then a kind of them, a kind of men and women, there are very many of them always living who have it in them to be inside them to be mostly to every one, to be always to mostly every one pieces coming out of them, pieces that never make of them a whole one, not because of complication in them, not because of difficulty of envisaging them but because really such of them are in pieces inside them, always in their living. This kind then of men and women have it to have it to be true of them that nothing in them dominates them, not mind, nor bottom nature in them, nor other nature or natures in them, nor emotion, nor sensitiveness, nor suggestibility, nor practicalness, nor weakness, nor selfishness, nor nervousness, nor egotism, nor desire, nor whimsicalness, nor cleverness, nor ideals, nor stimulation, nor vices, nor indifference, nor beauty, nor eating, nor drinking, nor laziness, nor energy, nor emulation, nor envy, nor malice, nor pleasure, nor skepticism. It is not as it is in some that there is contradictory being in them, there is not in such of these of them domination of anything in them to make contradiction, to make changing of one thing to another in them. Always they are in pieces then but pieces are not disconcerting to them or any one, hardly not puzzling. Some of such of them sometimes then make melodrama of themselves to themselves to hold themselves together to them. Some of such of them make of themselves to themselves and sometimes to other ones that know them a melodrama of themselves to make to themselves each one of themselves a whole one to themselves and sometimes to make of themselves a whole one to others around them. This is a very interesting thing, this is sometimes the explanation of melodrama in some one.
Some then some men and some women are not whole ones inside me for long times together. Sometime one of such a one was a whole one in me and then it was clear to me why such a kind of one was not for long times continually a whole one in me.
In first beginning to know such a one if they make of themselves melodrama to make to themselves a whole one of themselves to themselves then such melodrama is very confusing, it is not natural melodrama to them, melodrama in such of them is mostly not a natural way of being, mostly such of them have pride to hide themselves to themselves from knowing that there is not a whole to them, pride to hide this from themselves and from every one. So then melodrama in such a one is confusing. When melodrama is taken from such a one then they remain confusing, there is nothing then to guide any one to know them as a whole then such a one.
Such a one, now with no melodrama, just there as many pieces to some one, remains confusing, not because they are not acting, not because they are not repeating, they may be acting, every one always is repeating, it is that nothing in them is dominating, they are in pieces to themselves then and to everyone. They have not weakness, nor laziness, nor dullness to make them confusing. They are in pieces, there is not in them anything dominating, not the bottom nature in them, not other nature or natures in them, not confusion in them, not struggle or contradiction, or weakness or indifference in them. So then such a one is puzzling.
Sometime then as I was saying each one comes to be a whole one to me, sometime then each one comes to be clear inside me, sometimes as I was saying it is slow growing this coming to completed understanding inside me, sometimes it is a quick illumination, sometimes it is a mixture of these two ways of learning knowing, sometimes it is other ways of learning knowing in me. As I was saying every one is surely sometime puzzling to me.
As I was saying such a one, one being in pieces was a long time puzzling to me. Always this one was in pieces though always loving being was a louder piece than other pieces in that one.
So then such a one by not going on being a whole one after being illuminated by seeming a whole one by that one's way of loving was not any longer puzzling. This gave to me then an understanding of the being in such ones, such a one then was not together for long times as a whole one to me but to my understanding then from that time on always was a whole one to me.
Every one then sometime is a whole one to me, every one then always sometime comes to be clear to me, comes to be really a whole one inside me.
This is clear then that there are many ways of hearing, feeling, seeing repeating come out of every one. Always then I am seeing, hearing, feeling all repeating coming out of every one. Always then sometime every one I am ever knowing comes to be a whole one to me. This is now a little a description of another way of learning one.
Sometime then every one I know comes to be a whole one to me. Mostly every one comes very slowly to be a whole one inside me. Mostly every one is sometime and sometimes for a very long time a puzzle to me, sometime some one only very slowly comes to be a puzzle to me. Sometimes some one is never really a puzzle to me, sometimes some one suddenly comes to be a whole one to me. Often now when I know as much as I know now of kinds of men and women, some men some women come to be quickly a whole one to me, mostly still yet they come very slowly to be whole ones to me, mostly yet each one is a long time a puzzle to me, earlier every one mostly came very slowly to be a whole one to me, sometimes then some one came suddenly and soon to be a whole one in me, sometimes then some one was never really a puzzle to me. This then is another way of learning in me. This is now then a little a description of such a learning of one, one who was not really more than for the time of intensely looking for one time of seeing a puzzle to me.
This is now a little description of learning quickly, one.
There was one, I knew some things about this one, I knew a number of things about this one, I had heard descriptions of this one, I was interested but not more than I am in every one. I was not then very much interested in this one. As I was saying I had heard descriptions of this one, they were ordinary descriptions, they were not very interesting, they had not very much meaning. Then I saw this one, then I looked intensely at this one, then this one was a whole one to me. Then the whole being of this one was inside me, it was then as possession of me. I could not get it out from inside me, it gave new meanings to many things, it made a meaning to me of damnation. I had then to tell it to this one, that was the only way to loosen myself from this one who was a whole one in me. I had then to tell this one of the meaning in damnation that this one being a whole one inside me had made clear to me. Always then later this one was a whole one to me, it was then a gentler possession of me inside me than when this one first was a whole one inside me, a damned one to me. It was still true to me later inside me the whole of this one hut it did not then possess me. This is then one way of learning a whole one, by seeing them completely by one long looking at them. This is now a little more description of this one and being possessed by this one as a whole one inside me. To begin again then. There are many that I know and they know it. Very often I tell it, mostly I must tell it, sometimes I tell it because I like to hear it, sometimes I have to tell it to loose myself from it. This one was one that I knew then and I made this one know it. I told it then to loose myself from it. Mostly very slowly each one I know comes to be a whole one to me, mostly I tell it then because I like to hear it, sometimes I write it, sometimes I tell some one else, not then, about it. Mostly I tell it and I write it, mostly I tell it or I write it, there are many that I know and they know it. Mostly in some way I tell it.
This one then very soon knew it, very soon then I had had to tell it. This is now some more description of it.
There are many that I know and they know it, they are all of them repeating and I hear it, sometimes I tell it, mostly I tell it, there are many that I know, they are all of them repeating and I hear it, sometimes I see a whole being in it, sometime, always, I see the whole being in it. There are many that I know and they know it, sometimes they soon know it, sometimes I soon tell it, sometimes I wait a long time to tell it, sometimes I slowly tell it. There are many that I know and mostly always sometime they know it.
There are many that I know, they are all of them repeating and I see it, feel it, hear it. Always I listen to it and look at it and feel it, sometime always I understand it. There are many that I know and they know it, sometime each one is a whole one to me, mostly then I tell it, sometimes it is a long time before I tell it, sometimes I tell it as soon as I know it, sometimes I begin to tell it before I really know it, sometimes I tell it puzzling at it, sometimes I slowly tell it. There are many ways then of learning the whole one each one is from the repeating always coming out of each one. There are many ways of telling it to each one what is the whole of them, there are many ways of telling it about them what is the whole being in each one. Sometime, then, each one is a whole one to me, I was just now beginning telling about one. As I was saying this one was not one I ever thought about or felt before I knew this one as a whole one. This is interesting then as one way of learning. This was interesting then as a way of telling for then this one possessed me by my feeling the whole being that made all this one's repeating and I had to tell this one the whole being that was the whole of this one, the whole meaning of the repeating that was the being of this one so as to free myself from the possession this one's whole being being inside me then had of me. This now is to be a little more description of the being in this one and the feeling in me in learning the whole being of this one and the meaning of the repeating of this one and the telling of my knowing it and what I knew, to this one.
There are many that I know and they know it. This time I knew it and suffered in it and was possessed by it, the knowledge of it, and I told it to this one to free myself from it. This is a little more description of my knowing it and of my telling it, and some description of what I knew and what I told of the whole being in this one always coming out as repeating from this one.
There are many that I know and they know it. This one I knew quickly and then I told it and then this one knew it and this is now a little history of all of it.
There are many kinds of men and women and I know it, each one is a real one to me, each one sometimes is a whole one to me, they repeat it and I hear it and I see it and I feel it, each one sometime is a whole one to me, sometime, always, I tell it.
There are many kinds of men and women and I know it, always I know some of it, always more and more I know more of it. There are many that I know and they know it. There are many that I know and sometime I tell it, somehow, somewhere, all of it.
There are many then now that I know, there are many then now that know I know it. Every one always is repeating the whole of them. Every one sometimes is a whole one to me.
Always then I have known some, more and more I know more of them, more of men and women, more and more then always I know of the kinds there are of them.
Every one has their own being in them, every one always is repeating the whole of them, they repeat it and I hear it and sometimes I get a whole one inside me from listening, looking feeling it. Sometimes I quickly understand it, sometimes I quickly tell it. This is now a history of the way some one did it, this is now a history of the way I understood it, this is now a history of the way I told this one the whole of it, the whole repeating always coming out of this one and the meaning of it, the being in it.
Sometimes then I know many things of some one, always I am knowing more and more of such a one, this one is not ever then puzzling to me, everything is interesting, all is some history of some one but sometimes there is no interest in me to see a whole to some one, I go on knowing things of them, I talk and hear and remember all about such a one, there is no puzzling in me about such a one then for I am not then interested in understanding, there is a whole to such a one yes, there is sometime to me a whole to every one, I am seeing, hearing, feeling things and remembering things of such a one, there is no problem, no puzzled feeling about such a one then to me. This one then that I am now beginning a little to describe farther was such a one to me. I knew many things about this one, I remembered, I heard many things that were interesting, that were amusing, I remembered them, there was in me then no puzzling, there was nothing of a whole being in all of them to me, but I was not thinking of the whole being in them, they were interesting things to know about some one, everything is interesting to know about any one, everything is important to know about every one, but I was never puzzling about this one. All the things I knew were interesting I was not feeling any need of a whole being in this one, and then once I looked hard at this one and then there was a whole being always afterwards repeating to every one from this one after my telling all the being in this one, the whole being in this one, and this is very interesting.
Always then I listen and come back again and again to listen to every one. Always then I am thinking and feeling the repeating in every one. Sometimes it happens that I have a complete history of some one, of the meaning of all the repeating in them the first time I look hard at them, mostly this is in me a slow thing, learning understanding, mostly I come back again and again to listen to the repeating in every one before they are a whole one, before there is to me a whole history of the being in them. Always I come back again and again, it has happened that sometimes I have had the whole history of some one the first time I looked long at them, mostly this is a slow thing, always even when understanding happens like with this one the first time of hard looking, always, then I go back again and again to listen, to fill in, to be certain. This then was what happened to this one in my learning, this is now a little a description.
The nature in this one was not like any of those I have been just describing. Everybody who knew this one knew everything, there was no deceiving of any one by this one, everything in this one always was repeating to every one who ever listened to this one, and this one was not made up of pieces and none of the pieces dominating, this one had a very real bottom, a very real domination inside that one of that one's own being, the thing with this one was to understand the meaning of the repeating all the repeating this one was always doing. What was important was to have applied to this one completed understanding. This one was not puzzling really to any one, this one had nothing of the nature of the being that was always coming out as repeating hidden, it was all there, all always repeating, all always being dominated by the bottom being and all that then was needed was to understand the meaning, that was very interesting, that was what I did by one hard looking. This is now a little more description of this one.
This one then as I was saying had it to have as being really the nature as dominating and every one that looked at or listened to or felt this one knew all of the repeating always telling over and over again all of the history of this one. This time then it was a question of understanding the meaning of the being in one.
This now is very interesting in relation to the being in this one, whose learning, in me, I am soon now to be describing.
There was then in the first one I was describing, all of the being always repeating but all the repeating any one knowing this one ever was hearing, feeling, seeing could be understood as meaning that this one was always giving all her loving to every one and always there was no place for her in living, always there was no place for her in living. Always every one felt this in her and always every one was explaining there being no place for such a one in living by specific good reasoning, always dimly every one had a little a puzzled feeling, always every one, really every one who ever knew this one was really sympathising, really believing because all of it was really there always repeating.
Slowly then this one came to be a whole one in me. As I have said in writing, often, for many years some one is baffling, the repeated hearing of them does not make the completed being they have in them to any one. Sometimes many years pass in listening to repeating in such a one and the being of them is not a completed history to any one then listening to them, sometime then it comes out of them a louder repeating of that which before was not clear to anybody's hearing and then such a one is a completed being to some one listening to the repeating coming out of such a one, there is then to some one a complete history of such a one, this mostly comes slowly to the one who is learning the being of such a one, this was the history of learning the first one that I have been describing.
The third one then of whose learning I am beginning now a description, this third one then I have been a little describing was very different from this first one, every one who ever knew or saw or heard of this one always knew all the repeating always coming out of this one, all the complete history of this one. No one ever knowing this one did not know all the repeating in this one but always there was in no one a complete understanding of the meaning of the being in this one, and this is now to be some description, description of the being in this one, description of the learning of the meaning of the being in this one, description of the telling of the knowing of the meaning in this one.
As I was saying the first one I was describing always had then to every one the very best reason for there being no place for this one ever for living, no place ever for this one in living. This last one, the one I am now describing has with this first one some connection, always then this last one always had the best reasons for not realising the living being in living and every one always was always helping and no one ever was understanding for every one always was convinced of the good reasons this one had for not being able to realise real being in living and always this one was trying and always every one who saw this one was helping and this now is very interesting.
As I was saying always every one knew the whole repeating of this last one, every one who ever knew this one really knew all the repeating coming out of this one, always then it was a question of meaning to make of this one a whole one inside one.
Every one always is repeating the whole of them, some to every one who knows any one of such of them, some one repeating the whole of them so that every one who knows them hears the whole repeating in them. The important thing then with such a one for every one as I was saying knows with such a one that they are hearing all the repeating coming out of such a one, the important thing then with such a one so as to get such a one to be a whole one to any one seeing, feeding, hearing such a one, the important thing then is hearing, feeling, seeing all the repeating coming out from such a one is to realise the meaning of the being, it is not enough to realise all the repeating in such a one.
This one that I have commenced describing had in being going at the same time asking and refusing, infinite tenacity in holding on to anything that was there to this one's seizing, always not really wanting what was being held so grimly by this one. Always then there was denying in this one, mostly one thinks of fundamental denying as skepticism, as evil acting, this was not so of this one, denying and trying holding with tenacious gripping was always there in this one. Always then every one who ever knew this one knew this as always repeating, tenacity in holding, desiring believing in religion, always every one who ever knew this one saw these always coming out as repeating, no one seeing it come out of this one as repeating had any realisation that always it led to denying, always to negation, that grasping and asking, opening and closing could not be the same movement in action without ending in denying everything, and both being completed expression of this being and always together there repeating and so neither coming to be really existing there was not in this one consciousness of struggling, always it was in this one then as denying always then there was in this one no reality of experiencing, never any stopping gripping to be asking, never stopping asking to be steadily gripping, always asking and gripping in the same repeating, always so ending in denying. The spirit of denying that comes to be the whole of such a one, there can be in such a one no real experiencing, a hand cannot be closed and open, it ends in such a one denying that a hand is really existing.
As I was saying every one always is repeating the whole of them. Every one is repeating the whole of them, such repeating is then always in them and so sometime some one who sees them will have a complete understanding of the whole of each one of them, will have a completed history of every man and every woman they ever came to know in their living, every man and every woman who were or are or will be living, every man and every woman in each one's beginning, middle and ending, every man and every woman then who were or are or will be living whom such a one can come to know in living.
Every one always is repeating the whole of them. This one that I am now describing always was repeating the whole being as every one always is doing. This one was not like the first one I was describing then, every one who knew this one heard, felt and saw all the being in this one always repeating, nothing of important being in this one was not loudly repeating.
As I was saying I knew all the repeating in this one mostly from other people's telling, no one ever was understanding the meaning in the repeating, no one then was understanding the reason of this one never really realising being, never winning anything this one ever was really wanting. Every one, as I was saying was hearing, feeling and seeing clearly all the repeating there ever was to be ever coming out of this one to any one. There was never then in this one any repeating that every one who was ever hearing, feeling, seeing this one did not feel and see and hear in this one always all through their knowing this one. This one then mostly did not give to any one a puzzling feeling, everything was clear in this one to every one, everything in this one was clearly repeating to every one who ever was really listening, to every one who was hearing, seeing, feeling the repeating coming out of this one, the important thing then was understanding the meaning in the being of this one, always every one was hearing, feeling, seeing all the repeating there ever was in this one, it was seeing the meaning of all the being in this one that was interesting and this came to me then in one very hard looking at this one.
Always then sometime each one comes to be a whole one in me, always then sometimes every one is a whole one to me. Everybody always then sometime is a real one to me. Every one then has always sometime their own being in them to me. Sometime then every one is a whole one to me, sometime then every one has a complete history for me. Always then sometime each one is a whole one to me.
As I was saying every one who ever came to know this one really knew all the repeating in this one, no repeating in this one was not sounding loudly to every one whoever came to know this one. As I was saying I knew then all the repeating in this one a little from every one's telling, mostly it was not puzzling, every one evidently had been hearing all the repeating there ever was coming out of this one. As I was saying it was interesting but not overwhelmingly interesting for it was not puzzling, every one knew all the repeating in this one, the wanting in this one of believing, the desire of having believing, the tenacity in gripping everything this one ever was having, the feeling in this one for wanting everything with goodness in it, the not realising anything, every one then who ever knew this one knew the eagerness of desiring, the lack of succeeding, the tenacity in holding on to all possessing, every one then knew all these always repeating in this one, always it was in every one describing this one a describing of all these things in this one, there was then never any realising of how these things came to be this one, every one always was helping this one for always to every one there were such good reasons why this one should have much helping, some always were trying to loose the hold on possession, others always were trying to strengthen to desiring faith and goodness, always every one was helping, always no one was understanding that a little even very much strengthening of wanting believing or a little even very much weakening of holding possession of gripping could never in such a one have any real meaning, for always at the bottom this one was gripping and asking, always this one was opening and shutting the hands at the same instant of being and that always would make denying the only real thing in such a one's being, nothing else could ever really happen, never could there come the miracle of simultaneous opening and gripping. It is clear then now to every one.
It is clear then now to every one that every one who ever was knowing this one always was hearing, seeing, feeling all the repeating in this one, always then the important thing was understanding the being always repeating, realising denying as the real being in this one.
As I was saying then I knew all the repeating in this one, a little from my own listening to this one, mostly from other people's descriptions of this one. I knew then all the repeating in this one, it was interesting to know the repeating in this one, all repeating of any one is interesting to any one having loving repeating being, having loving repeating being to completed understanding as being. Always then as I was saying repeating is interesting to me, always then I was interested in all the repeating of this one, it was interesting but it was not then a problem to me, this one then was interesting, not so very interesting to me, and then as I was saying I met this one and then I began and then all the repeating in this one had meaning. This one then was to me at the end of looking the complete thing to me that every one sometime is to me. This one was then a complete one to me, this one was then a solemn load inside me. This is now then a little more description of my knowing this one as a complete one and then of my telling of my knowing to this one.
As I was saying every one always is repeating the whole of them. As I was saying sometimes it takes many years of hearing the repeating in one before the whole being is clear to the understanding of one who has it as being to love repeating, to know that always every one is repeating the whole of them, to have it that sometime each one is a whole one to that one. These then the ways I have been describing are some of the ways then that such a one, one who has it as being to love repeating, to know that always every one is repeating the whole of them, comes to a completed understanding of every one.
Sometimes then as I was saying it takes many years of hearing and seeing and feeling the repeating in some one before the whole being of that one is clear to my understanding. This then was not the way of my learning this last one as a whole being. As I was saying I knew all the repeating in this one, every one who knew this one knew all the repeating in this one. I had never felt it a puzzle in this one, I had not had that kind of interest in this one and then it happened that I saw this one and then it happened that I looked hard at this one and then this one was a whole one to me, this one was a depressing solemn load inside me, then I had this one inside me and this one was to me inside me a being having damnation as the way of being and this then was a new thing in me, damnation had not had before any meaning for me, this one was not an evil one, a wicked one, but a damned one to me, this one was then a whole one inside me. This is now to be a little more description of this one in me and of my telling it to this one.
This one was then a whole one to me, this one was then a solemn saddening load inside me, not from evil or conviction or from willing or from reasoning but from asking and gripping in the same breath of being and both being complete expression of a being and so neither really having meaning to such a being not making really in side such a one any struggling.
This one then after this one hard looking was a whole one to me, was a whole solemn load inside me. This one then always was repeating to me the whole being in that one, the resulting to such a one of suffering damning. This one was then a whole one to me. This one was then a whole one inside me, was as a solemn load inside me.
Each one is then sometime a whole one to me, this one was then a whole one in me was a solemn saddening load inside me, gave to me the first meaning there ever was to me of the meaning of damning in all human religion, was a very serious solemn load inside me, and a ways it was there inside me this one as a whole one in me and always this one was repeating to me the whole being, the whole history of this one and a ways it had meaning and always then it was to me the compelling of me to understand the reason there is in damning, this denying and never having any realisation of anything really existing was to me a state of really suffering damning. This one then was as I was saying a whole one then inside me, a whole one to me after the ending of that looking, a serious solemn saddening whole one in me, and always more and more I was seeing, hearing, feeling this one repeating the whole being there was in this one and always then it was to my completed understanding the completed spirit of suffering damning, that was then the whole of this one.
Always then this one was a whole one to me. As I was saying each one sometimes is a whole one to me, sometime one always is a whole one to me, I am never losing the feeling of such a one being a whole one inside me. This one always was a whole one to me, always then I was seeing, feeling, hearing all the repeating coming out of this one, always then this one was a solemn load inside me.
As I was saying there are many that I know and I know it, there are many that I know and they know it, they are many that I know and I tell it. There are many that I know and I know it, there are many that I know and they know it, there are many that I know and I tell it, I know it and I tell it, they repeat it and I see it, and I hear it and I feel it and I tell it. Always then there are many that I know and to some of them I tell it. This one was then a whole one to me, this one then was a whole one inside me, I know it and I tell it, I knew it and I told it and this is now some description of my then telling of it.
This one was then a whole one inside me. Always sometime each one is a whole one to me, always sometime I tell it to some one the whole one each one sometime is to me. Always then sometime each one is a whole one to me, each one then sometime is a complete one to me, a complete one there inside me, always sometime then I have each one as a whole one always sometime then I tell it to some one, very often I tell it to that one the one that is a whole one then in me.
There are many that I know and always more and more I know it. They are all of them sometime a whole one to me. More and more I understand it. They are all of them repeating and I hear it, they are all of them always repeating the whole of them and always more and more I know them. There are many that I know and they know it. They are all of them always repeating the whole of them and I understand it. They are, each one of them sometime a whole one to me, they are all of them, always then, repeating the whole of them and I know it and I understand it. I know it and I tell it. Always sometime I tell it. Mostly always when it is complete in me I tell it.
There are many that I know and I know it. They are repeating always the whole of them and I understand it. They are, each one then, sometime a whole one to me. I know it and I tell it. Mostly, when it is complete in me, I tell it.
Mostly, then when it is entirely, completely in me, the whole of them, and I know it, then I tell it. Mostly always I tell it, mostly I tell it to that one who is a whole one then inside me, sometimes I just tell it to any one who will listen to it. Mostly then when any one is entirely completely in me, mostly always then I tell it.
This is now then a little a description of my telling of it. As I was saying mostly always when some one is entirely and completely a whole one to me, I know it and I tell it, sometimes I tell it to that one that is then entirely and completely a whole one inside me to me, sometimes I tell it to any one who will listen to it.
Always then I tell it, always then when any one is completely a whole one to me, mostly always then I tell it. This is now some description of one time of telling it, telling it to that one who just was then a whole one to me.
As I was saying each one is sometime a whole one to me, is a whole one inside me, each one then sometimes gives to me a sense of being filled up inside me with that one, then a whole one inside me. Each one then is sometime a whole one in me, I know it and I tell it, I am filled up then with that whole one inside me and I tell it and then it settles down inside me to always hearing it repeating in such a one, filling in and changing and being a completer and completer history of that one and always then it is quietly there in me and I like it. Sometimes it is disturbed in me and again completely fills me and then again it settles down in me. Then again it is quietly there in me and I always like it. Always I am then learning more and more the history of that one, always more and more there is then meaning in all the repeating coming out of that one but there is then not so much need in me to tell it, it is then steady pleasant, sometimes exciting, learning in me and always I enjoy it but then it is quieter inside me and I am then not all filled up with it and so then though always often I tell it, all of it, pieces of it to any one who will listen to it, I am not then all filled up with it and I can then really be without really needing to tell it, I can then get along without really then ever telling it.
As I was saying each one sometime is a whole one to me. As I was saying mostly when it is complete to me and I first really know it, really and completely and filled up with it then I tell it. Mostly then I have to tell it. Mostly then I am filled up with it and it comes out of me then as telling it, sometimes to the one that is then a whole one to me, sometimes then to any one who will then listen to me.
There are many then that I know and sometime each one comes to be a whole one in me, sometime then each one then a whole one inside me fills me, sometime then I know that one and sometime then I tell it the whole one that I then know that I know as a whole one as a whole being then. Always then more and more I know that one, always then more and more I hear and feel and see all the repeating coming out of them, always I am telling everything, more and more I tell everything, always I tell it when I come completely to know it the being in one, when I come completely to understand, when they are a whole one inside me and I am filled up with it.
Mostly always when it is once complete in me I tell it, always often, more and more I know it, always often, I very often tell it, always when it is once complete in me I have to tell it, I am filled up then with it, telling it is then always in me, always then I tell it. This is then a little a description of one telling of it.
There are many that I know and always sometime I tell it. Sometimes I slowly tell it, sometimes I tell it and then more and more I tell it, sometimes I tell it and then slowly I keep on with telling of it. There are many ways of telling it. Sometimes I tell it when I am still puzzling with it. Mostly always when it is complete in me I tell it. Mostly then I learn more and more the meaning in it, often then slowly I tell more and more of it. Mostly when it is complete in me once and I am all filled up with that one then I have to tell it. Sometimes then I tell it to any one who will listen to it. Sometimes then I tell it to the one who is then a whole one inside me, I am filled with that one then as a whole one and to that one then I tell it.
As I was saying this one that I have been just describing was a whole one to me, a serious solemn filling inside me. This one was then complete in me, this one was then a serious solemn filling in me, always then this one was in me suffering damning from the being in this one and this was a new realisation in me and so then this was complete then inside me, this one then being a whole one inside me, this one then completely filling rue inside me, I knew it then and I told it then, I told it then to this one.
As I was saying then each one sometime is a whole one to me, each one sometime is a whole one inside me. Mostly then I tell it to some one. This one then came after one hard looking to be a whole one inside me. I was then all filled up with this one. I told it then to this one the whole meaning of all the being in this one.
As I was saying I know many women and many men. I know many of them as babies, as children as growing men and growing women as grown men and grown women as growing old men and growing old women, as grown old men and grown old women, and every kind of being they ever have in them. I know many then of them very many of them and sometime each one is a whole one to me, each one is a whole one inside me, each one then has real meaning for me. Sometime then each one is a whole one to me, sometime then each one of them has a whole history of each one for me. Everything then they do in living is clear then to me, their living, loving, eating, pleasing, smoking, scolding, drinking, dancing, thinking, working, walking, talking, laughing, sleeping, suffering, joking, everything in them. There are whole beings then, they are themselves inside them to me. They are then, each one, a whole one inside me. Repeating of the whole of them always coming out of each one of them makes a history always of each one of them always to me.
There are many then that I know, and I know it, I know it and mostly always sometime I tell it. Each one sometimes is a whole one to me, always sometime I know it, mostly always sometime I tell it. Mostly when I am full up with it I tell it, I know it, I am full up with it and I tell it.
This one then the one I have been just describing was a whole one inside me when the meaning of the being in this one was a clear meaning to me, I was full up then with this one inside me, I was full up then with this one, I would tell it then to almost any one who would listen, I would tell it then to this one the one that was a whole one then inside me, the one then filling me all up inside me. I knew then the meaning in this one, the meaning in this one was a complete thing and then I told it to this one.
There are many that I know and I know it, there are many that I know and there are some of them to whom I tell it that I know it. This then was one of them then. I knew it and I told. This one was then a whole one to me and I told it then to this one.
Mostly always then each one I am ever knowing sometime, sometimes is a whole one to me, mostly always then when I know it, the whole being of some one, I tell it and sometimes I tell it to that one. Mostly then when I am filled up with it, the whole meaning of the whole being of some one, I tell it. I know it and I tell it. I am filled full then with it and I tell it. Mostly always then I tell it when I am filled up full with the whole meaning of the whole being of some one, I know it and I have to tell it, often I tell it to any one who will listen to it, sometimes I have to tell it to that one whose whole being then having meaning as a whole one to me is then filling me full up with it.
I know then sometime the whole being of every one I am ever knowing and always sometime, often sometimes I tell it. Mostly always when I am filled up full with it I tell it, sometimes I have to tell it, sometimes I like to tell it, sometimes I keep on with telling it.
I know it and I tell it, this is now some description of the ways of telling it, of the need of telling it, of telling it to any one who will listen to it, of telling it to the one whose being I am then understanding.
Always sometime every one I am ever knowing is a whole one inside me. Always then sometime I know the meaning of the whole being of every one I am ever knowing. Sometime, then I know it, sometime then I tell it. There are many ways of knowing, as I have been telling, there are many ways of telling. Always then when I come to know the whole meaning of any one, that one is then there inside me. I am more or less filled up then with that one, sometimes I am filled up so full with that one that I must tell it then to every one, sometimes I am filled up so full with that one that I must then certainly tell it to that one. There are many different ways then of feeling knowing inside one. Mostly always sometime I must tell it of each one to some one, sometimes I must tell it of some one to every one, sometimes to many and not then to that one filling me then, sometimes I must tell it to many and to that one, sometimes I must tell it mostly to that one. It is all a very complicated condition having knowing any one inside in one. Mostly always I sometime tell it to some one. Mostly when I am filled up with some one I tell it then to that one and to others then, sometimes I never tell it to that one, mostly sometime I do tell it to that one. Mostly then sometime each one I am ever knowing is a whole one in me, mostly sometime I tell it to that one, sometimes I tell it very little, sometimes very slowly to that one, sometimes very gently, sometimes very completely, sometimes very quickly, sometimes very greatly, sometimes just in little pieces to some, sometimes all but a little of it to some one. Always then sometime each one is a whole one in me, mostly always I tell it sometime to that one. Sometimes then I have to tell it when I am all filled up with it, sometimes then I tell it to rid myself a little of it, sometimes because I am so full of it it keeps pouring out of me all the time when I am first having it. This was then the way I was filled full of it after looking at and so understanding the last one I have been describing. I was filled full up with it, I knew it and I told it, I told it to this one, the one whose being as meaning made me then all full of that one then inside me, I was knowing it then, I was then all full up with it, I was then full up to the telling of it. This is now the history of that.
Being filled up with some one who then is a whole one inside one is to some a natural way of being. Knowing and telling is to some their natural way of complete being. This is now some description of one of such of them.
Knowing and telling then is to some their natural way of complete being. This has been some description of one of such of them.
Always then sometime each one is a whole one to me, always then I am listening to, looking at, feeling the whole being always then repeating in each one, always then I am knowing the meaning of the nature or natures in each one, always then I am telling the meaning of the being in each one.
Hearing, feeling, seeing all repeating coming out of any one I am ever knowing, knowing sometime the meaning of the being in every one I am ever knowing that is having sometime each one I am ever knowing a whole one to me, hearing, seeing, feeling then always all the repeating coming out of every one I am ever knowing, understanding sometime the meaning of the being in every one, being sometime filled up full with the whole being in each one I am ever knowing, being sometime then full up with the complete being of each one I am ever knowing, being full up with it with the completed knowing of it, being fuller and fuller with it, being sometime all filled up with it, filled up completely with it, filled up full with it sometimes to the quick telling of it, sometimes to the slow telling of it, sometimes slowly filling up with it, sometimes more sometimes less quickly being filled full up with it is all always sometimes in me. Always then sometime each one is a whole one to me, always then sometime each one I am ever knowing is a whole one inside me, always then sometime I am filled full with each one then a complete one every one I am ever knowing, always then sometime I am filled full with each one I am ever knowing as a whole one then inside me, always then I am filled full with some one filled full of the meaning of one then filling me full up with that one then, full up to the point of telling the meaning of that one sometimes to every one sometimes only to some, sometimes to that, one the one that is then the complete filling of me, and always then sometime then there is a complete understanding of each one I am ever knowing, and always sometime there is coming out of me some telling of all the knowing being in me, sometimes it comes out of me I am filled full of knowing and it bursts out from me, sometimes it comes very slowly from me, sometimes it comes sharply from me, sometimes it comes out of me to amuse me, sometimes it comes out of me as a way of doing a duty for me, sometimes it comes brilliantly out of me, sometimes it comes as a way of playing by me, sometimes it comes very slowly, sometimes it comes very repeatingly, sometimes very willingly out of me, sometimes not very willingly, always then it comes out of me. I know many men and women, know them in many stages of their being. Always more and more I know them, I know them and mostly I tell them, always then more and more I know them, I know them and mostly I tell them. There are many then that I know and they know it. I know them, I know the repeating of themselves always coming out of them, I know them and mostly I tell them, always more and more I know I know them, always more and more they know I know it, I know it and I tell it, this is now some history of it. To begin again then with knowing it the being in some one and telling it, telling it to that one. To begin again with the knowing of that one, the last one I was describing and the telling it to that one.
Always then I am telling to some one all the being in some. There are many that I know and I know it, always then I am telling some one it. Always then I am telling some one all the being in some, sometime then I am telling to all of them all the being in every one. Always then I am telling to some one all the being in some one. Always then sometime I am telling all the being in every one to every one. All the time then I am telling all the being in each one I am ever knowing to some one, all the time then I am knowing some one, all the time then I am telling that to some one, sometimes to that one, mostly always sometime to some one.
Mostly always then I am learning to know some one, mostly always then I am telling some one the being in some one. Mostly then I am learning some one, mostly then I am knowing some one, mostly then I am telling some one. So then this is in me living being, learning, knowing and telling and mostly then all three of them are always in me mostly always. This then is living being in some, learning, knowing, telling, this then as I was saying is living being in many of them always living, this is now a little a description of it in one.
So then to begin again with learning, knowing and telling. Mostly then there is mostly always keeping going learning, knowing, telling in my being. Always then as I was saying loving repeating is always there in me as being, always then as I was saying sometime each one I am ever knowing is a whole one to me, always then, as I was saying, knowing all the being in some one is always coming to be in me keeping going there inside me, always then as I was saying knowing some one is filling me all up inside me, always then I am telling some one all the knowing there is then in me.
This then a way of being, learning, knowing, telling, this is then the being in me. There has been much writing of listening to repeating, of hearing, feeling, seeing, knowing all repeating, of feeling knowing each one sometime as a whole one, now then there is a little waiting of the telling of the knowing always in me.
So then always every one is repeating the whole of them, always then sometime each one I am ever knowing is a whole one to me, mostly always then I am telling my complete knowing of each one to some one, often I am telling it to that one, the one whose complete being is then completely filling me then there inside me. This is now a little description of such telling to one.
As I was saying every one who ever knew this last one knew all the repeating ever in this one, ever coming out of this one, always then this one was really not giving to any one any really puzzling feeling, always then I knew all the repeating every one knew in this one and always coming out of this one, always then I never had any puzzling feeling about this one. Every one really then knew all the repeating ever coming out of this one, every one then who ever was knowing this one knew all the being in this one, mostly then no one could have about this one any puzzling feeling, no one felt any puzzling feeling then about this one, every one who ever knew this one knew all the being that ever came out of this one as repeating, no one then had about this one a puzzling feeling, every one only knew that this one found no meaning in the living of this one's being. There are always many such men and women. Mostly then no one found this one puzzling, this one was greedily seizing and humbly asking, this one was tenaciously gripping and never getting holding, this one was always close-fisting and always opening the hand in imploring begging. Many then are of such a kind of them but mostly asking and seizing in most of them are really in being in them, in this one they made up a complete denying, nothing then in this one was really being.
As I was saying every one who was ever knowing this one knew always all the repeating always coming out of this one, all the frenzied seizing all the pitiful asking, mostly then every one who ever was knowing this one thought about it in this one as these being in this one in contradiction, in many these ways of being are making a contradiction, in many all these ways of being are really vital being in them, in this one it was a different thing from the others having contradictory being in them, in this one it was a negation of real being, it was the real spirit of denying in this one. Every one then as I was saying every one who ever came to know this one always knew all the repeating that ever was coming out of this one, every one then knew the being in this one, no one then had any puzzling feeling about this one, no one then knew the meaning of the being in this one. This one then at the end of looking came to be a whole one to me, there was not really ever any puzzling feeling in me about this one, I came then sometime to look at this one, this one became then completely to me a whole one, this one then was a whole one to me, this one then was a whole one inside me, I knew it and the knowing of it filled me, I knew it then the meaning in this one, I was filled full then more and more with the being in this one, more and more then I knew it inside me, more and more then it filled me, I knew it then and more and more then it filled me and then it came to possess me, it was then a complete filling of me there inside me the being in this one, I knew it then and soon I told it to this one, I knew it then and I told it to myself and then more and more I knew it and more and more I told it and then more and more I knew it and then I told it to that one, more and more then I told it to that one, always more and more then I told it to that one.
Always then sometime each one is a whole one to me, always then sometime each one is more or less filling me up inside me, always then sometime I tell it all more or less to some one, very often I tell it all more or less to that one. This one then was a whole one to me, this one was then completely a filling up inside me, more and more then the knowing of the meaning in this being was in me there completely as a filling to me there inside me, more and more then I knew the meaning in all the repeating always coming out of this one, soon then I told it to this one, always then more and more I told it to this one.
Kinds and ways of being, kinds and ways of having being coming out in repeating, many of them are very clear in kinds of men and women, in individual men and women. Realising kinds and ways in being, learning in being, thinking to feeling, realising meaning in being, realising way and kinds of sensitiveness and emotion, meaning of stupidness in being, ways of knowing, ways of telling, ways of being resembling, all these always are in me filling me with seeing, feeling, learning understanding, filling me sometime to telling.
It came then that I heard the meaning of the being in that one, that was to me then a real thing, the meaning of the being that was all the being in this one. I heard it then, more and more I knew it in all the ways it was in this one in all the ways it did and had and would come out of this one, the being in this one. Sometime then all history of this one will be complete to some one. Always then the repeating in this one was forming in me as a complete history of this one.
There was then this one, there will then be sometime a complete history of this one, perhaps there will be a complete history of this one in some one, perhaps never really inside any one. Each one sometime is a whole one to me, then I am hearing or feeling or seeing some repeating coming out of that one that makes a completer one of that one, always then there may be sometimes more history of that one, there may then be never a whole history of any one inside any one. Mostly then that is a melancholy feeling in some that there is not a complete history of every one in some one. Slowly then that feeling is discouraging to one loving having a whole history of every one inside in one. Perhaps slowly then there is really in such a one more and more knowing of the meaning in each one that one is ever knowing. Always then for such a one there must be many new beginnings. Always then for such a one there must be a feeling that that one such a one is then knowing is a whole one, always each one is a whole one, always each one has a whole history of them always coining out of them, sometime some one will have in them a whole history of each one. Always then more and more each one sometime is a whole one and then sometime it is hard to hold this one as a whole one inside one and then the one having knowing each one that one is ever knowing as a whole one as the way of having living being in that one, such a one having the whole one that that one is having inside then of some one come to pieces in them, have new repeating in them, have new meaning in them, always then sometime the one having knowing each one they are ever knowing as a whole one as the living being in that one, such a one then sometimes is having all a wrong meaning to the being of some one then seeming to be a real right whole one then inside that one and always then there is sorrowing feeling in such a one and always then there is new beginning in such a one and always then there is struggling in such a one to make that one then inside them as a whole one give up in them the wrong whole meaning and to keep in them all the repeating that really was in that one this one then was thinking knowing as a whole one. Sometime then each one is a whole one to me, sometimes then there is a real complete one there inside me, sometime then I know something, mostly then I begin again, always then I am feeling, seeing, hearing all the repeating coming out of any one I am ever knowing, sometimes I am telling the whole feeling I have in the whole being of some one I am then knowing and having then as completely filling all my being, and then I am beginning again with more knowing and more and more then that one I am then knowing has for me then meaning.
This one then that I was last describing and then describing the meaning in the being in that one and then describing the telling of the meaning of the being in that one to that one, that one then knew then the meaning of the being in that one; that one always like every one that ever knew that one always knew, had always known all the repeating always coming out of the being in the living of that one, now that one knew the meaning of the being that made that one and it was a very serious feeling knowing that that was the meaning of the being, that denying was the meaning of the being in that one, that always there was in that one no way of ever realising real feeling, real being, that always it made up into denying. This one then knew the meaning of that being, I had told it to this one as I was saying, this was then in this one the first moment in the being of this one that was not denying. This is clear then, it was clear then to that one, it was to that one giving up asking, it was to that one then loosening gripping. This one had then a revelation, this one then had a new beginning.
This then happened to this one, this one then had a real realisation of the being in this one and that was the beginning in this one of realising living, that was the beginning in this one of a being that was not in its meaning denying. This then came as a religion, this then came as a revelation, this one was then not asking and had the feeling of having been given living, this one was not asking and was receiving, this one had loosened gripping and so a little the hand was open to receiving, this was then the first being in this one that was not denying. By and by there was more changing. There will be now then more description.
Slowly then there was in this one increasing realisation of real being. As I was saying this one not asking had the moment of receiving, loosening gripping had a little the power of accepting, slowly then this came to be the new meaning of the being always there in this one.
This one had then a new beginning, always then from then on this one was changing, always then this one was repeating, always then knowing this one seeing, feeling, hearing the repeating coming out of this one, always then I was knowing more and more all the meaning there ever was or could or would be in this one in the being that was all the being in this one, always then this one was a whole one there inside me, always then I was knowing the complete meaning in the being in this one, always then this one was repeating all the being in this one, always then there was changing in this one and always there was in this one the being that every one who ever knew this one always knew as coming out of this one and always repeating.
As I was saying this one then knew the meaning of the being in this one making a denying in this one of everything, I knew it from looking at this one, I knew it then and I was filled up then with this one, I knew it and then I was telling it to this one and always more and more I was telling it to this one and then this one was knowing the meaning of the being always repeating in this one and then there was in this one a beginning, there was then in this one real despairing, there was then in this one a stopping asking, a little loosening of gripping, there was then in this one some receiving, a being able to take what is given in the hand a little loosened in gripping, this then was in this one religion, this then was in this one a new meaning in being, a real realising of living, a beginning believing something. Then it went on and on in this one.
As I was saying this one was a little loosening gripping and a little this one received in this loosening, seizing believing and then this one was gripping this believing, this was then the new meaning in the being in this one, this and receiving, really receiving something. Not denying, receiving something, tenaciously gripping that this one had and always sometimes again would be a little receiving in moments when remembering, this one would a little moment be stopping asking, always then a little loosening gripping would give to this one a little at such moments power of receiving, then this one would be tenaciously holding this this one had then been receiving, always then this was the new meaning in the being of this one.
Sometime perhaps it will be clear to every one the whole being of some one. Sometime perhaps it will be clear to some one the being in any one. This is then a beginning.
This is then a beginning, always then there is some winning knowing. Sometime perhaps it will be clear in some one the being in any one, always then there is some winning knowing, always then there is some one keeping going learning, sometime perhaps it will be clear to some one the whole being of some one. This is then again a beginning.
Mostly every one is resembling some how to some one, every one is one inside them, every one reminds some one of some other one. Each one has it to say of each one he is like such a one I see it in him, every one has it to say of each one she is like some one else I can tell by remembering. Every one is always remembering some one who is resembling to some one. Every one is themselves inside them and every one is resembling to others.
This is then a beginning, always then there is some winning of knowing. Sometime perhaps it will be clear in some one the being in any one. Always then there is some winning knowing, always then there are some keeping going in learning. Sometime perhaps it will be clear to some one the whole being of some one. This is then again a beginning. This now is learning understanding of resembling to realising kinds in men and women. Every one has their own being in them. Every one is of a kind in men and women. Every one is resembling somehow to some one.
Everybody is a real one to me, everybody is like some one else too to me.
Everybody has their own being in them. Every one is a kind of men and women.
Everybody is a real one to me, everybody is like some one else too to me. Every one is one inside them, every one reminds some one of some other one, every one, mostly every one, has it to say of mostly each one that one ever is knowing, that one ever is seeing, that one is like such a one I see it in that one. So it goes on, every one mostly sees in each one something that is like something in some other one. Everybody is a real one to me, everybody is like some one else too to me, everybody has their own being in them to me, every one is of a kind of men and women to me. There are many ways of making kinds of men and women. In each way of making kinds of them there is a different way of feeling them as resembling. These are now some of the ways I know it in them which ones are like which other ones of them. Everybody then has to me their own being, that is them, every one then is like some others in some ways and that makes each one of them of a certain kind of men, of a certain kind of women, of a certain kind of men and women. Everybody is a real one to me, everybody is like some one else too to me. Resembling, in each one to other men, to other women, to other men and women, makes sometime a way of complete understanding of each one, everything then they do in living is clear to one who knows resemblances and differences and kinds in men and women, their way then of living, loving, eating, pleasing, smoking, scolding, drinking, dancing, walking, talking, beginning, ending, sleeping, laughing, working, everything in them is clear then. Everybody has their own being in them, every one is of a kind of men and women.
Every one has their own being in them. Every one is of a kind of men and women. There are many very many kinds of men and women, there are many very many kinds of men, there are many very many kinds of women. There are many ways of making kinds of them, this is now a description of all the kinds of ways there are of making kinds of them, all the kinds of ways there are of making kinds of women, all the kinds of ways there are of making kinds of men, all the kinds of ways there are of making kinds in men and women, all the kinds of ways there are of making kinds of them in all the stages of each of them in them all from their beginning to their complete ending, all the kinds of ways there is in them of being and having being coming out from them, all their kinds of ways of being themselves inside them all of them and all the kinds of ways the being in them comes out from them, all the kinds of ways they ever effect any others any other one ever in any kind of way ever connected with them. To know all the kinds of ways then to make kinds of men and women one must know all the ways some are like others of them, are different from others of them, so then there come to be kinds of them. So then to some one each one must be a real one and each one must be like other ones in some ways and like other ones in other ways and some must know all the ways some one is resembling to or different from some other one and other ones and so sometime there will be a completed system of kinds of men and women, of kinds of men and kinds of women.
To begin now a little such a grouping; each one must be a whole one, each one must be to some one like some one else, like some other one.
Everybody is a real one to me, everybody is like some one else too to me. Almost every one in looking at any one mostly feels that that one they are then seeing, is like some one else they have known in their living, sometimes they know it in remembering, sometimes it is puzzling to them, sometimes they tell it and no other one then sees it with them, always there are different ways of feeling resemblances between people any one is knowing, always then there is remembering and disagreeing about resemblances between every one, always then mostly every one sees some one resembling the one they are then remembering, mostly every one feels resemblances in men and women. It is important then to make kinds of them, kinds of men and women, it is important then to know all the ways there are of being resembling, always then every one is a real one always then every one is resembling in different kinds of ways to different ones, always then all through the living of any one they are being resembling to different ones, always then there are many kinds of being, always then there are many ways of feeling, knowing kinds in being, always then each one is a kind of man, a kind of woman, a kind in their beginning, a kind in their going on, a kind in their ending, every one is of a kind of men, a kind of women, a kind of men and women, a kind in beginning, a kind in going on and in ending. Always then for understanding, each one must see the meaning in all the ways of being kinds of men and women, some have a feeling for some things in being others for other things in being, each one has their own way of feeling kinds in men and in women, in babies, in children, in growing young men in growing young women, in men and women. There are then all these many ways of knowing, feeling kinds in men and women, always then there are many ways of knowing, feeling, thinking, talking, using kinds in men and women. Always then each one is a whole one and in many ways of a kind of men or of a kind of women.
Mostly this is all always confusing every one in talking, feeling, thinking, using, seeing any one, always each one has their own way of feeling kinds in them, always each kind of them has their kind of way of knowing men and women. Making each one a kind of men and women in enough kinds of ways to have everything included in the kinds of them, everything that is in the being of that one, that is understanding that one. That one is then a completed whole one then to that one, the one having that understanding of that one. That is very exciting, that is very interesting, that completed understanding is to some all the meaning in their living.
Always then each one one is ever hearing talking, knowing feeling, thinking, seeing, each one has their way of seeing each one they are ever knowing, each one has their way of feeling kinds in men and women. Always then that one that has it to want to have understanding of any one, that one always must have a feeling always of the ways all the ways, the many ways of knowing, feeling kinds in men and women. This then as I was saying is very exciting. This then is now some description of one way of learning to know kinds in men and women. Always I am telling of learning kinds in men and in women. Always then everybody is a real one to me, everybody is like some one else too to me. Always then sometime each one comes to be a whole one in me.
Always I am learning, more and more then I am knowing many kinds in men and women, many ways of making kinds in men and women, always I am learning, always it is interesting, often it is exciting, always I am learning, sometimes I am really learning all the being in some one, always more and more each one is to me a kind of one, always then I am learning more and more of bottom ways of being resembling, always I am learning more and more of the kinds of mixing that are confusing to any one looking, always then more and more there are steadily grouping kinds of men and women to me, more and more I know where each one I am ever seeing belongs in the grouping, more and more then it all grows confusing, I am always knowing more and more and then it gets all mixed up to me all mixed up in each one all mixed up in each one I am learning, each time there is in me a clear understanding of any one and I go on to another one or back to one I was earlier understanding that one is all a confusion from the last learning, each time then when there is a clear understanding of any one it is confusing with the next one, knowing more makes more grouping necessary in men and women and then all of a sudden this new grouping is a clear thing to my understanding and then sometimes all of a sudden I lose the meaning out of all of them I lose all of them and then each one I am then seeing looks like every one I have ever known in all my looking and there is no meaning in any of my grouping and then there is in me again a beginning and always sometime there will be clearly existing kinds of men and women, grouping of them by the bottom nature in them, by the mixing of other nature or natures with, the bottom nature of them and so then sometime there will be a complete history of each one who ever is or was or will be living. It is very interesting, often very exciting, mostly very confusing, always steadily increasing in meaning.
There is now a little a description of my learning. There will be now then a little indication of what I have been learning, what I am now knowing, then there will be again a beginning of Martha Hersland in her beginning.
Everybody then is a real one to me. Sometime every one is a real one to me, everybody too is like somebody else always then to me. Slowly then there comes to be to me kinds in men and women. Slowly then they are grouping inside me into kinds of them, kinds of men and women. Every one then has their own being in them, every one is then to me of a kind of men and women. This will be clearer now in a description of how several men and several women came to be each one of them the beginning of a group for me. That made them for me each one of them a kind of them, a kind of women and men. Later then there will be more description of the learning of the kinds there are of men and women, of the resembling between them that makes kinds of them around one.
Now then there will be a little description of the learning of men and women as kinds of them, of the resemblances that are there in the nature in them, in the bottom nature in them that makes one kind of a way of making kinds of them.
Now this is the way resemblances among men and women have meaning to me to make kinds of them. Now this is the way I am learning men and women, knowing kinds in them.
Every one has some feeling of knowing kinds in men and in women, some have some feeling of knowing kinds in men and women. This is now then to be some description of my knowing kinds in men and women. This will soon be clearer in little descriptions of some of them as kinds in women and men.
This is now a little a description of my learning kinds in men and women. Mostly every one as I was saying has some feeling of knowing kinds in men, mostly every one as I was saying has some feeling of knowing kinds in women as I was saying some have some feeling of knowing kinds in men and women. Mostly every one sees resemblances between some men, between some women, some between some men and women, and men and men, and women and women. There are then as I was saying many ways of making kinds in men and women.
There will be now more description of the learning of knowing of the kinds there are of men and women, of the resembling that makes kinds of them around one. As I was saying always each one is sometime a whole one to me, each one always is like some one or many other ones to me.
This is then the way I do my learning, slowly knowing each one, more and more seeing each one as a whole one and at the same time as a kind of men and women, slowly more and more having everybody in me as a real one, slowly more and more knowing resemblances all the resemblances existing, slowly more and more having confusion and then slowly again and again beginning and getting clearer the kinds of them and then losing them in more complicated differences and resemblings and so always more and more I am understanding and always more and more I am changing and always more and more I am beginning and always more and more I am having uncertainty in my feeling and always more and more I am certain and always more and more there are distinct kinds of them kinds of men and women, and then sometimes there are so many ways of seeing each one that I must stop looking.
This will be always then a longer and longer description always longer with my living and my knowing.
Always then I am seeing the resemblances that make kinds of them kinds of men and women and always I come back again and again to see it in them. Always then I am thinking and feeling and learning resemblances in men and women, always then I am making kinds in them.
Every one then has their own being in them. Every one is of a kind of men and women. Always then I see resemblances in each one to another one to other ones and always I come back again and again to looking at that one and always I am seeing something, and always I am having a confusion inside me about that one and always I am beginning again and again and again and then sometime that one is a whole one to me, that one is of a kind of men and women from the bottom nature in that one and always then sometime it is clear about that one to me the nature or natures in that one with the bottom nature in that one and then sometime I know of that one all the kinds of being in that one, all the kinds of ways that one is of kinds of men and women.
Always then I am thinking and feeling and seeing all the ways the one I am then knowing has of being resembling to any one. Every one as I was saying mostly every one feels and tells about resemblances in men and women, mostly every one has a feeling of kinds in men, of kinds in women, of kinds in men and women. There are then as I was saying many ways of feeling kinds in men and women.
Mostly then as I was saying every one has some feeling of people resembling each other, some have it more some have it less in them the feeling that people are resembling, some are always looking for resemblances, some are then with that very annoying, some are always saying this one is like some one I can tell it by remembering, some are always thinking that every one is resembling a few they have known in living and these then often are annoying, always then mostly each one feels something of interest in seeing resemblances between some one and some other one or ones sometime, some feel this very often, some feel this all the time, mostly then there is a good deal of discussing mostly then there is a good deal of irritation, mostly then there is a good deal of difference of opinion about the ways people are resembling, about resemblances between someone and some other one some one then is seeing and some one else is then not feeling. Always then there is in living much finding of resemblances between men, between women, between men and women, between children, and mostly always then when any one tells it to any one there is much discussing often very much irritation. This is then very interesting. There are then often some who find every one they are ever knowing resembling a few men and women whom these sometime have had come to be in them a certain kind of men and women, these then make many of those they are seeing of these few kinds of them. Mostly then every one has some feeling for resemblances and for kinds in men and in women and in men and women.
Now then to begin again understanding, to begin again learning men and women, to begin again seeing them as whole ones each one and each one as kinds in men and women. As I was saying each one I am ever knowing some time is a real one to me, as I was saying each one I am ever knowing sometime is like some one else too to me. Always then I am learning always then I am remembering, I am puzzling, I am in a confusion, always then I am coming back again and again and seeing, feeling, thinking all the ways any one can see that one, all the ways that one is resembling to any one, slowly then each one I am ever knowing is a whole one to me, slowly then I can learn other ones from having that one a whole one inside me, more and more then I am understanding kinds in men and women, more and more then I am learning different values in resemblances existing always between each one and others of them, sometime then each one comes to be to me a completed being. This is then now a slow description of my way of learning, this is then now a little description of some whom I am knowing.
Every one is themselves inside them, mostly every one reminds some one of some other one of some other ones, every one has it to say of some one some of many, he is like such a one I see it in him, she is like some one else I can tell it by remembering. Mostly every one is sometimes thinking that some one is resembling the one at whom they are then looking. So, many always go on thinking that every one is resembling to others, and often some one is disagreeing some one to whom such a one is pointing out resemblances does not agree with that one. This is very common. There are many ways of feeling kinds in men and women. People disagreeing about ways of being resembling, people seeing different ways of making kinds in them often makes such irritation, sometimes exciting, sometimes confusing, sometimes to some one puzzling.
There are many ways of making kinds in men and women. Each way of making kinds of them comes from a different way of feeling knowing them as resembling. There are many ways then of feeling knowing kinds in men and women. Sometime some one will know all the ways there are for people to be resembling, some one some time then will have a completed history of every one, every one who ever is or was or will be living. There are many ways then of knowing kinds in men and women, there are many ways then, there is a way of feeling them as kinds of them by ways of doing that come from education and tradition, kinds of them that come from the ways that make a nation, there are ways of seeing kinds of them by the kind of learning in them, tastes, beliefs, fondness for walking, working, doing nothing, there are ways of feeling kinds in them in color resemblances and gentlenesses in them, and courage, and ways of showing angry feeling, there are ways of knowing resemblances in them from occupation giving certain habits to them, there are ways of seeing kinds in them from their being always young, always old in them, bright all of some of them, dull all of some of them, moral all of some of them, immoral all of some of them, lazy all of some of them, very energetic always some of them, then there are samenesses in the looks of many of them that makes kinds of them to some and sometime some one will know all the ways there are for people to be resembling, some one sometime then will have a completed history of all of them.
There are all these ways then and many more of them of feeling knowing people to be resembling and then there is the way that I am always seeing, the resembling that makes the two kinds of them, independent dependent kind of them who have attacking as their natural way of winning fighting and the dependent independent kind of them who have resisting in them as their natural way of winning and then there are so many complicated kinds of these two kinds of them so many ways of mixing, disguising, complicated using of their natures in many of them, so complicated that mostly it is confusing to me who know it of them that there are these kinds of them and always more and more I know it of them and always it is confusing for sometimes a resisting one spends most of living in attacking, an attacking one spends most of the living in resisting, sometimes some one is mostly all attacking and just at the bottom there is a contradiction of the whole nature of them, there are so many complications then in all this that I am knowing, it is all a very difficult thing to be really understanding. I know very much about these ways of being in men and women, I know it and I can say it, I know it and I can write it, it is a very complex mixing the being in all men and in all women, I do not know yet the whole of it, I do know now very much of it, I cannot yet say all I know of it.
Mostly everybody now is like some one else to me, like many others to me, in some ways like some in other ways like others and now more and more there are to me some of each kind of them that are mostly only of that kind of them, and so more and more there come to be to me clearly a certain number of kinds of men and women.
Kinds in men and women then are to many always in men and women and in many different ways of feeling and thinking. Mostly to every one there are kinds in men, kinds in women, kinds in men and women.
There are then as I was saying many ways of feeling kinds in men and women, every way of feeling kinds in men and women must be in such a one that sometime has in that one all the history of all men, of all women.
Kinds in men and women then are existing to mostly every one. To many feeling kinds in men and women is a part of learning men and women, to some kinds in men and women are parts of learning men and women, to some feeling kinds in men and women is to have sometime each one such a one is ever knowing a completed whole one to that one. To such a one always there is continually more variation and more resembling and sometimes it is so confusing that such a one must stop looking. Then when some one is a whole one and a complete one of a kind of one or the kinds in one are complete to one knowing that one, then it is very satisfying.
Everybody then is mostly a real one to me, everybody is now like some one and like some other one and then again like some other one and each one sometimes is a whole one to me.
This being resembling, this seeing resemblances between those one is knowing is interesting, defining, confusing, uncertain and certain. You see one, the way of looking at any one in that one that is like some one, the way of listening, a sudden expression, a way of walking, a sound in laughing, a number of expressions that are passing over the face of that one, it is confusing, too many people have pieces in them like pieces in this one, it began as a clear resemblance to some one, it goes on to be a confusing number of resemblances to many then, some resemblance that is very clear one is not remembering then it is baffling, more and more resemblances come out in that one, perhaps that one is not independent dependent and yet that was so clear in the beginning, more and more then with knowing resemblances are multiplying and being baffling and confusing and always each one of all these resemblances one who sometime wants to have this one as a whole one, wants to really know kinds in men and women must completely feel, admit, remember and consider and realise as having meaning. This is then a beginning of learning to make kinds of men and women. Slowly then all the resemblances between one and all the others that have something, different things in common with that one, all these fall into an ordered system sometime then that one is a whole one, sometimes that one is very different to what was in the beginning the important resemblance in that one but always everything, all resemblances in that one must be counted in, nothing must ever be thrown out, everything in each one must be included to know that one and then sometime that one is to some one a whole one and that is then very satisfying.
Sometimes as I was just saying everything in any one, all the resemblances in that one point to that one being one kind of men and women and then, say an independent dependent kind of one, and then when one looks more and more closely at that one the bottom nature in that one is a contradiction to all the rest in that one, is so to say dependent independent being and everything one ever was knowing of that one has to be always still remembered but now it all has a new direction. Knowing completely then any one gives a solid basis for seeing the meaning of any being that has in it resemblances to that one. Always then it is important with each one that sometime that one is to the one learning kinds in men and women a whole one, a complete one so that there can then be a solid basis of comparison of understanding the meaning of the being in some one who is resembling in any way to that one who is to the one learning, then a whole one. Sometime as I was saying there are so many ways of seeing, feeling resemblances in some one, some one resembles so many men and women that it is confusing, baffling, then the one learning kinds in men and women is despairing, nothing then to that one has any meaning, it is then to that one all of it only an arbitrary choosing and then that one must stop looking, that one then must begin again then and always never forgetting anything that one ever has seen as a resemblance in the one that one is then learning. Sometime really each one will then be a complete one to that one. Sometime really each one will be a completed, understood person, understood in kinds of men and women. This is a real way of learning, sometime then there will be a complete history of every one, everything then they do in living, each one, will be clear then to the one that has really learned all the kinds there are of men and women, all will be understood then in them, their living, loving, eating, working, resting, pleasing, smoking, scolding, drinking, dancing, walking, talking, sleeping, beginning, ending, attacking, resisting, winning, losing, everything. There are whole beings always, they are themselves inside them, they will be whole ones then to the others who have learned to know them, they will be each understood by being known as their kind of them.
I do know very much of the being in men and women. I do know very many of them. I do know the resemblances in them and the kinds of them, the divisions into kinds of them that is important for the understanding of them. I do know many of them, I know them, I understand, I explain them, they are themselves then to me, they are whole ones to me, I know it and I tell it, I know it more and more and more and more I tell it. Always I am thinking about it, always I feel the being the whole being sometime in each one, I know it sometime and I tell it sometime. I learn it as I see it and feel it and hear it as they repeat it, I understand it and then I understand in another one that is like the one that has then become a whole one to me, I learn new variations in it then from this now one and then sometime this one is a whole one to me and I begin again then with this one to know kinds in men and women and so on and always there is more to learn about it, there is more to know about it, there is more to tell about it.
This will be clearer now in a description of how several men and women each one came to be a whole one to me, a kind of men and women to me and then by resemblances between them and others of them there came to be more understanding of each kind in men and women in me and then other kinds in them to me. Later there will be more description of the knowing of all the kinds there are of men and women, of the resembling that makes kinds of them around one. Now there will be a little description of some, of the kinds they are, of learning by resemblances between men and women the being in them.
The way I think of every one is like this. This is the way they come to be in groups to me, in groups that have in them to be that those in them are resembling each one to the other one. The way I know them as resembling, that I have been just explaining, in every way that any one can see any one of them. The way I think of each one is like this that I will now begin describing.
In recognizing them as being of one group or of another group of them, that is one kind or another kind of men and women, everything in them, anything in them, their looks, their feelings, their expressions, their way of doing anything, their way of doing everything, everything, anything in them is to be noticed in its resemblance to something in another one. So then there come to be groups of kinds of men and women. So then as I was saying I come to know them, sometime all of them I am ever knowing, as kinds in men and women. Sometimes it is very confusing, sometimes very simple, sometimes very certain, sometimes very uncertain, sometimes for a long time baffling. There are then kinds in men and women. Sometime there will he a description of all the kinds of them.
The way I think of each one is like this. I think of them as having a bottom nature in them, as having sometimes mixed up in them other nature or natures with the bottom nature in them. This is now to be a little description of the way I always think of each one of them to lead later to a description of some of the kinds of men and women.
I think of each one I am ever knowing. Each one sometime is a whole one to me. Each one has a bottom nature in them of one kind of men and women. Each one may have in them other nature or natures in them mixed with each other or separate together in them. This is the way I think of men and women.
This is now a description of the way I feel and think the natures in them.
As I was saying each one has a bottom nature in them. Each one is one of a kind of men and women.
Each one has a bottom nature in them, each one has or has not another nature or other natures in them besides the bottom nature in them. These may be of the same kind as the bottom nature, they may not. This is now then a description of the way I feel and think the nature and natures in men and women.
This is then the way I feel the nature, the bottom nature, the other nature or natures, in men and women, this is then the way I feel each nature in each one of them. Each nature then is of a kind in men and women.
This is then the way I feel each nature in men and women, this is the way I feel the nature and make groupings of them, groupings of kinds of them.
The way I feel natures in men and women is this way then. To begin then with one general kind of them, this is a resisting earthy slow kind of them, anything entering into them as a sensation must emerge again from through the slow resisting bottom of them to be an emotion in them. This is a kind of them. This bottom in them then in some can be solid, in some frozen, in some dried and cracked, in some muddy and engulfing, in some thicker, in some thinner, slimier, drier, very dry and not so dry and in some a stimulation entering into the surface of the mass that is them to make an emotion does not get into it, the mass then that is them, to be swallowed up in it to be emerging, in some it is swallowed up and never then is emerging. Now all these kinds of ways of being are existing and sometime there will be examples of all these ways of being, now all these ways of being have it in common that there is not in them a quick and poignant reaction, it must be an entering and then an emerging mostly taking some time in the doing, the quickest of these then are such of them where the mud is dry and almost wooden, where the mud has become dry and almost wooden, or metallic in them and it is a surface denting a stimulation gives to them or else there is a surface that is not dry and the rest is dry and it is only the surface of the whole mass that is that one of which there has been any penetrating, and in some in whom the whole mass of the being is taking part in the reaction in some of such of them habit, mind strongly acting can make it go quicker and quicker the deep sinking and emerging. This is then a kind of them, the resisting kind of them, and there are many kinds of that kind of them. This is a very sure way of grouping kinds in men and women. I know it and I see men and women by it. Mostly to any one now it means nothing. I will begin again then this explaining. This group I have been describing are those that have resisting winning as their natural way of being. I will begin again explaining. There are a kind of men and women who have resisting as their way of winning fighting. There are another kind of men and women that have attacking as their way of winning fighting, these have poignant and quick reaction, emotion in such of them has the quickness and intensity of a sensation, that is one kind of men and women. Later I will tell more of them. Now I must begin again with the resisting, the dependent independent the kind I have been beginning describing in a way that may mean nothing to any other one, in the way I feel bottom being in men and women, in the way I make kinds in them, in the way each one comes to be a whole one to me seeing that one.
Resisting being is one way of being. This is now a description. As I was saying there are kinds of them kinds in men and women and there are kinds of kinds of them kinds in kinds in men and women. First then there are large groupings of them, the grouping into two kinds of them those having resisting, those having attacking as their natural way of winning fighting, dependent independent, independent dependent, these two kinds of them. Each group then has in a way the same way of handwriting, the same way of succeeding, the same way of beginning, the same way of loving. Many of them are very baffling, many in each group of them, for there are in many of them other nature or natures in them, sometimes then they are very baffling, sometime to some one the bottom nature in them is certain, the kind the bottom nature in them is, and then, though it may take a long time to know the complete being in them, they are not any longer baffling. Soon a few short histories will be given of learning the bottom being in some and so clearing up the problem of them which for a long time was confusing, which always is confusing to any one not knowing the bottom being in that one.
This is clear then, bottom being is the natural way of winning, loving, fighting, working, thinking, writing in each one. This is not anything about, good or bad in them, in each one, about more or less brains in them but the kind of brains, the kind of good, the kind of bad, the kind of loving, the kind of fighting, the way of working, being in them at the bottom of them.
This is a very certain way of knowing, grouping men and women, understanding, seeing the kind of natures in them, making certain of the resemblances between them. This is then a universal grouping, always everywhere with every education there are these same kinds of them, some are a complete thing of one kind of them, some are very little just at the bottom one kind of them and all the rest of them are other kinds of them, there are in them every degree of mixing, every degree of emphasising, some are the whole of their kind of them, some are only part of their kind of them; to commence again then with my way of seeing them and then the way of knowing the resemblances between them and so the making groups of them. To begin again then with my feeling of bottom nature in each one.
There are then the two general kinds of them, the attacking kind the independent dependent kind of them, the resisting kind the dependent independent kind of them. There are all extremes of these two kinds of them, resisting kind that is almost always feverishly attacking, attacking kind that is almost always stubbornly resisting, the independent dependents that are almost all independent, almost all dependent, the dependent independent that are almost all dependent, that are almost all independent, it is often very confusing but the distinction has meaning, mostly to every one reading there is not any understanding, that is very certain, sometime to some one it can have meaning, always then there is going on explaining of the meaning of this dividing of men and women into these kinds of them.
There must now then be more description of the way each one is made of a substance common to their kind of them, thicker, thinner, harder, softer, all of one consistency, all of one lump, or little lumps stuck together to make a whole one cemented together sometimes by the same kind of being sometimes by other kind of being in them, some with a lump hard at the centre liquid at the surface, some with the lump vegetablish or wooden or metallic in them. Always then the kind of substance, the kind of way when it is a mediumly fluid solid fructifying reacting substance, the way it acts then makes one kind of them the resisting kind of them, the way another substance acts makes another kind of them the attacking kind of them. It and the state it is in each kind of them, the mixing of it with the other way of being that makes many kinds of these two kinds of them, sometime all this will have meaning. Now there will be a little more description given of these two kinds of substances and their way of acting and the kinds in each kind of them and then there will be given short histories showing learning kinds, learning individual ones by knowing this way of seeing, feeling bottom nature in men and women.
I know it and I want to tell it. I see it the bottom nature in each one I am ever knowing, sometimes, in each one. I see it, I see it and know it, its likeness and unlikeness to bottom nature in another one, I know and I want to tell it. I know it and I want to tell it and sometime some one else too will know it. I know it and I want to tell it and sometimes some one, some will know it. This is then the way I see it.
As I was saying there are two general kinds of them, the resisting, the attacking kind of them. There are two general kinds of them, there are many very many kinds of these two kinds of them, there are many very very many mixings in every one of some of all the kinds of them, in some of some of both the general kinds of them I know this now and now I will describe more of it. I will now describe natures in all men and women. In each one, some nature is the bottom nature of them. All natures are kinds, they are like natures in other men and women. This is now a little a beginning of the grouping of them.
First then to consider the general resisting group of men and women, considering them now only the bottom nature, which is resisting, in this group of them, leaving out now any considering of mixing in them of other nature or natures in them, of other forms of resisting nature in them besides the kind of resisting being that is bottom nature in each one, of any attacking nature or natures in them that are mixed up in them. It is clear then that it is now the general group of resisting beings that are to have now a describing, there will be a little explaining of the attacking being in resisting being. There is now to be here a short description.
As I was saying this is one way of seeing being, bottom nature as a substance that has a way of acting that makes one general kind of being, that makes all of that kind of them have it in common to have a certain way of fighting, thinking, loving, succeeding, beginning and ending, this is of course in each one affected by the quantity of bottom being in each one of their kind of being and of the other nature or natures in each one and so often it is all very confusing. Often in very much of any one's living it is very hard to know which nature in them is bottom nature in them, sometime this comes to be clear in each one, it is always there and repeating in each one, sometimes it is loudly sounding and after any one has heard it clearly in some one it is always there to that one, always repeating. The bottom nature then is clear in that one. In some it is clearer when they are very young, in some when they are young, in some when they are not so young, in some when they are old ones. Always in each one it is there repeating, sometime some one knows it in each one, sometime some one will know it in every one that one is ever knowing.
To begin then. The resisting kind of them. Many are of this kind of them and I know it in them. They are it, they live it and I know it. Sometime then I understand it, they are it, they live it and they repeat it, sometime then I know it when I see it, hear it, feel it in them, sometime then when they are of this kind of them I know it of them, sometimes for a long time it is baffling in some one for it is not clear in them, sometime it is clear in each one the bottom nature in them, when it is resisting being in them it makes certain kinds of ways of being, loving, thinking, fighting in such of them. They are it, they live it and sometime I know it. They are it, they live it, sometime they show it, sometime I understand it and now I will tell it the way I see it. I will tell the way I see and feel and hear and know resisting being in those that have it, then I will tell the way I see and feel and hear and know attacking being in those that have it, I will tell of the kinds there are in it and how by resemblances between those of that kind of it I know it, I will give then more examples of knowing it.
The resisting kind in men and women and how I feel it. They are it, they live it, sometimes I know it. Always sometime in each one sometime. I know it. I understand and I can tell it. I will wait a little longer before I tell very much about it. Now there will be only a little description of it. Slowly there will be a complete description of it, coming out of me, and sometime there will be written all any one knows of it. I know it and now I will tell a little of it.
The resisting kind of being in men and women and how I feel it, how I know it in them. They are it, they live it, they repeat it, sometime I know it in them, this is now some description of the way I realise it.
The bottom nature in many then is of the dependent independent kind of being there can be in men and women, these have resisting fighting as their natural way of winning. In such of them reaction is not quick and poignant in them, in such of them emotion has not the poignancy of a sensation. I know it in them, always sometime I know it in them, often it is hard to know it in them from the mixing of the other kinds of nature in them. Perhaps now I will give just a little description of it, later I will give more description of it. I understand it and I can tell it. I will wait a little longer before I tell very much about it. Now there will be only a little description of it. Slowly there will be a complete description of it coming out of me and sometime there will be written all any one knows of it. I know it and now I will tell a little of it.
Resisting being in men and women. This is now then a little a description of my realising resisting being in men and women. This is then now a little description of my realising resisting being in some. There are many that have resisting being in them as a bottom nature to them, sometimes I know it in them. There are many then that have it, I know it and sometime I tell it, they are all of them showing it in the repeating they are all of them doing all their living, sometime I know it in each one of them, sometime I know it and sometime I tell it. There are many that have it, that makes all of them one kind of men and women. I know it in them in each one of them of men and women I am ever knowing who have it and sometimes I understand it, I know it and understand the action of it in each one of them that have it, in each one of them that I come to know of that kind of men and women. There are many then that have it, about half of all men and women are of the kind of men and women having resisting being as a bottom nature in them, the rest of them mostly have attacking being in them. This is a general division. I understand a good deal of it, I can tell more and less than I understand of it. I am now going to tell less and more than I understand of resisting being as a bottom nature in many men and women who have it.
Resisting being then as I was saying is to me a kind of being, one kind of men and women have it as being that emotion is not as poignant in them as sensation. This is my meaning, this is resisting being. Generally speaking then resisting being is a kind of being where, taking bottom nature to be a substance like earth to some one's feeling, this needs time for penetrating to get reaction. Those having attacking being their substance is more vibrant in them, these can have reaction as emotion as quick and poignant and complete as a sensation. Generally speaking, those having resisting being in them have a slow way of responding, they may be nervous and quick and all that but it is in them, nervousness is in them as the effect of slow-moving going too fast and so having nervous being, nervous being in them is not the natural means of expression to such of them, some have quick response in them by the steadily training of themselves to quicker and quicker reaction and some of them in the end come to seem to have quick reaction as their natural way of being, mostly in such of them this is a late development in them and that is natural from the kind of being in them. Attacking being often has nervousness as energy as a natural way of active being in them, often these then lose the power of attacking with the loss of nervousness in them. There are so very many ways of knowing these two kinds in men and women. I know so very many of them, I will not now tell of very many of them. Mostly the resisting being when they have conservative being in them have it from not having the activity of changing, the attacking kind of being have conservative sense in them from convictions, traditions, they are attackingly defending. Mostly those having in them resisting being have more feeling of objects as real things to them, objects have to them more earthy meaning than to those who have attacking as their natural way of being. Mostly then objects to those having attacking being as their natural way of being have for them meaning as emotion, as practically to be using, as beauty, as symbolism, that is to many of them their natural way of seeing anything they are knowing, to those who have resisting being as their natural way of being an object is it itself to them, the meaning, the use, the emotion about it, the beauty, the symbolising of it is to such of them a secondary reaction, not altogether at once as in those having in them attacking as their natural way of being. So then those having resisting being have also in them passive adaptability strongly in them when they are not really resisting while those who have attacking being are generally more active in adapting, they may have yielding in them or stubbornness or sensitive responsiveness in them when not attacking they have not generally speaking passive adaptability in them. They are very different then the attacking and the resisting kind in men and women. This division has real meaning. Sometime when I am all through all my writing, when all my meaning, all my understanding, all my knowing, all my learning has been written, sometime then some will understand the being in all men and women.
I am all unhappy in this writing. I know very much of the meaning of the being in men and women. I know it and feel it and I am always learning more of it and now I am telling it and I am nervous and driving and unhappy in it. Sometimes I will be all happy in it.
I know it and now I begin again with telling it, the way I feel resisting being in men and women. It is like a substance and in some it is as I was saying solid and sensitive all through it to stimulation, in some almost wooden, in some muddy and engulfing, in some thin almost like gruel, in some solid in some parts and in other parts all liquid, in some with holes like air-holes in it, in some a thin layer of it, in some hardened and cracked all through it, in some double layers of it with no connections between the layers of it. This and many many other ways there are of feeling it as the bottom being in different ones of them; different men and women have resisting being as their natural way of being, always I am looking hard at each one, feeling, seeing, hearing the repeating coming out of each one and so slowly I know of each one the way the bottom in them is existing and so then that is the foundation of the history of each one of them and always it is coming out of each one of them.
This then this bottom nature in them, the way it is made in them makes the bottom history of them, makes their way of being stupid, wise, active, lazy, continuous, disjointed, is always there in them, in some their kind of them is more, is less, is the same all through their living, is more or less affected by the other nature or natures in them if they have other nature or natures in them, can be stimulated or hurried or slowed hut never really changed in them, can come very nearly to be changed in them, can never really be changed in them, really not ever to my knowing, really not ever really changed in them. This then is very certain and now to speak again of attacking being. Attacking being as I was saying has it to be that emotion can be as quick, as poignant, as profound in meaning as a sensation. This is my meaning. I am thinking of attacking being not as an earthy kind of substance but as a pulpy not dust not dirt but a more mixed up substance, it can be slimy, gelatinous, gluey, white opaquy kind of thing and it can be white and vibrant, and clear and heated and this is all not very clear to me and I will now tell more about it.
This is the way I am thinking of it. In the one in which I first learned to know it it was like this to me. It was like this to me in the first one I came to know it, the substance attacking being is, in its various shaping. In this one it was so dull, so thick, so gluey that it was so slow in action one almost could think of it as resisting but it was not resisting earthy dependent independent being, it was attacking, stupid, slow-moving, it was independent dependent being, it was a different substance in its way of acting, reacting, of being penetrated, of feeling, of thinking than any slow resisting dependent independent being and now there is to be here a very little explaining of how I know this as a kind of being.
In this one then, as I was saying it was attacking being but very slowly getting into motion but not because it the stimulation was lost into it and had to be remade out of it but because it being shaken it was a slow mass getting into action. I know this distinction, it has real meaning, I am saying it again and again and now I begin again with a description.
This then the attacking being was first clear to me in one having it as a slow, stupid, gelatinous being that when it got moving went on repeating action, never could get going any faster, had a nervous anaemic feeling that was part of its getting moving and keeping going. The resisting medium has a different kind of action as I was explaining. Now this attacking being when it is vibrant can be nervous and poignant and quicker than chain-lightning, there can be to it a profound complete reaction having the intensity of a sensation. Its sensitiveness is different in kind from that of the resisting kind of being, its sensitiveness is quivering into action not a sensitiveness just existing, but this is all too much to be now explaining, wait and I can tell it, clearer, always it has to be told as it has been learned by me very slowly, each one only slowly can know it, each one must wait for little pieces of it, always there will be coming more and more of it, always there will he a telling of every way the two kinds of being are different in everything and always it is hard to say it the differences between them, always more and more I know it, always more and more I know it, always more I come back to begin again the knowing of it, always I will tell it as I learned it, sometime I will have told all of it, always I am telling pieces of it, more and more I will know it, more and more I will tell it, sometime it will be clear to some one and I will be then glad of it.
This then is attacking being to me, this then was the way it came first to be clear in me, in one in whom it was slow moving, and in others then I knew it when it was quick and poignant and complete and I saw it, and I knew it as the same substance as this slow moving mass and in all its forms of acting more and more then I knew it. In some as I was saying it is as emotion, in some it is as passion, in some it is as sensitive responding; it has a way of thinking, loving, acting, different in kind from that of resisting being and some time, and it is a very long time too I know it now I am beginning telling all I know all I am always learning, sometime there will have been a complete description of these two kinds of being.
In some then this quick and poignant and profound reaction has to break through a resisting being lying on it and then it is very interesting in the changing in the action it takes to get through the covering, sometimes it is in some more quivering vibrant at the bottom than through the rest of it and then it is lighted and set in motion the rest that of itself never has more activity than quivering by the more vibrant part at the bottom, sometimes all of it is not more active ever than quivering, this is true in some, in some it is all vibrant and completely poignantly passionately acting, in some its nervousness its most vigorous action, in some it is a big mass always slowly moving but would like to stop acting and a resolute will, a mind, a conviction, education in such a one keeps it moving, sometimes it stops moving, there are so many ways, there are such a various kind of mixing that can be in any one, sometime there will be a history of each one, sometime there will be a description of all the ways resisting being can be in any one, all the ways attacking being can be in any one.
This then is then one way I have been seeing kinds in men and women, the way I see the bottom natures and other natures in them. Always I see them as kinds, always as kinds of substance and ways of that substance being in them as bottom nature. Sometime all this will be clearer. This is then the way I see kinds in men and women. This then makes every one sometime a clear one, a whole one to me, this is now soon to be more description of such learning by me, of such understanding of the being in men and women.
As I was saying often for many years some one is baffling; the repeated seeing, hearing, feeling of the being in them does not make clear the nature of the bottom being in them. Sometimes for many years some one is baffling and then it is clear in that one and then by resemblances between that one and other ones many are clear then. This is now some description of such learning. This will be now little short descriptions of learning six of them and how knowing others before helped with these and how knowing these helped with others later. This is now then a little more of preliminary studying.
There are many that I know and always more and more I know it, they are all of them repeating, they are all of them in some way resembling one to others of them, more and more I understand it, sometimes in each one I know the bottom nature in them, sometimes in each one I know all the natures in them, sometimes each one is a whole one to me, sometime of each one there is a complete history to me.
There was one then, this one was not baffling for such a long time, this one was of the resisting kind of them.
Sometime each one comes to be a whole one to me. Sometime the bottom nature in each one, the other nature or natures in each one, the mixing or not mixing in them of the natures in them comes to be clear in each one, each one then is a complete one, each one then keeps repeating the whole history of them.
Some are puzzling a long time, every one is more or less puzzling sometime, mostly every one is puzzling to me sometime, sometime mostly every one comes to be a whole one to me.
As I have been saying there is a bottom nature in every one, the other nature or natures in them may be of their kind of them the same kind as the bottom nature in them, if they are resisting, the other nature or natures in them may be of a kind of resisting, they may be of a kind of attacking being. All this makes some one sometimes for a long time very baffling. All this makes each one always sometime puzzling. Always more and more I know it of each one the being in them the mixtures in them, always more and more I will come to have a complete understanding of every one I am ever knowing. This is now a description of my understanding of one.
This one then was not baffling for such a very long time, this one had times of being puzzling to me, mostly after a real beginning of understanding it comes to me very steadily, not quickly not slowly, this one was of a resisting kind of them with the attacking kind of resisting being almost to the point of succeeding as part of the being in this one.
This is now to be some description of this one. The first one of those that further back I was describing as showing my way of learning to have each one come to be a whole one in me, that first one was to every one as the natural way of being was one having every one always wanting to have her be with them every one who knew her then, and always every one was flattering her to make it up to her that there was not ever any place for her in living, for always to herself and to every one there was always a good reason why not any condition was the right condition for her living, for always to herself and to every one there was always a good reason why not any condition was the right condition for her living. But always a little somewhere there was a feeling that this was not all the meaning in the being in this one, slowly then some felt in this one the muggy resisting bottom that kept her from ever giving herself to any one unless some one needing her engulfed her by a need of her, they engulfed her then some when they had to have some one. Slowly then some came to know in this one the resisting bottom in this one, slowly then some came to see it in this one that she was of them needing to be owning those they need for loving, this is part of this kind of resisting being as I was saying about Mrs. Hersland but in this one it never came to any realisation for this one never really owned any one, resisting to keep from yielding to the need of having other people's having loving feeling, resisting accepting just an ordinary quantity of loving feeling from any one, this kept this one from yielding herself enough to any one so as to own any one, wanting giving loving and having resisting being kept this one from being engulfed by other ones excepting when some one drowned this one, kept this one mostly from ever yielding enough to own any one. As I was saying sometimes some one engulfed this one, always this wore out this one, it was never freely yielding herself to engulfing then, it was wanting to keep ahead of being engulfed by giving and this was very wearing to this one.
Some then knew this being in this one, slowly then hearing, feeling, seeing all the repeating in this one, slowly then hearing, feeling, seeing every one who knew this one's feeling about this one made it clear to me the whole being in this one, I came then to hear repeating the muggy resisting bottom that kept her ever from giving herself to any one unless one engulfed her by completely using her, by a need of her to comfort them in some sorrow when they had to have some one, by using her and giving nothing to her. This one then had this resisting being that with all the need in her of having loving given to her kept her from ever giving herself to any one even for a little loving of such a one, kept her from ever having a place for really living.
But this is not all the meaning in this one, she had in her to be muggily resisting except when some one was engulfing her, but also if she could have given herself to some one it would be to own them. She was of the kind of women that have to own the ones they need for loving. This one then never owned any one, and this was that she could not give herself enough to any one to own them, sometimes some one owned this one but this one then was so drowned by this one's owning that she could not loose herself enough to own them, she could only cling to wanting to give to them just enough to keep herself from being completely drowned by that one's owning of her If she could once be drowned by some one completely to not wanting to give to such a one she might have owned some one for loving but this never could come to be in her, she was too busy being drowned when she was drowning, she had not then any strength for owning. So then this one never owned any one, sometimes she was almost drowned by engulfing by some one needing her then. This is interesting and now this one I am now to be describing is of the same family as this one but it is in this one a very different thing this one can engulf those this one needs for living. This will be very interesting.
This is a little of the way I feel the resisting being in this one and this is the way it acts in this one. Later then, and I have already been beginning, I will then compare it with the resisting being in one. These two then are of the same kind of them but this being in them is very different in its action. To begin then.
The first one the one when it is lightish brown and gritty a little and sometimes very fluid and thin and sometimes almost dried hard and not really smooth then, in this one then it has a very different action this bottom nature from that in the one where it is dark and smooth and murkier and always about the same state of being a thickish fluid state there in her. These then are two kinds of a kind of men and women. This is now some description of the differences in being and acting, resisting and attacking, loving, owning, yielding, having vanity and stupid being in them, practical and ideal being in them.
The first one then as I was saying has as bottom nature in her being, resisting, this was then the action of this bottom nature in her that she never really gave herself to any one to own them, though always she wanted to be giving herself to some one, always she wanted to be owning every one, sometimes some one would be engulfing this one, but she was resisting then, and once when she was not resisting some one engulfed her so completely that what she is, the bottom being in her, was watered so thin that it was not of strength enough to cling to any one as dirt to hold them, to stick on them as it would if it were thick enough to own to inclose them by encasing them. This is true then that this one had it to be that the resisting substance was sometimes very thin and never thick but sometimes almost dried up into a grey brown, it looked browner thin, a little more grey when it was not wet, very thin, stuff in her. This being in her then made it that this one never gave herself to any one and never owned any one, sometimes was drowned by some one, always was a little gritty to the feeling of every one. Another one then one I am now beginning to describe as knowing, this one then was darker, smoother, thicker always a thick fluid in the being in her, in the bottom nature of her. There are many men and many women of both these two kinds of the one kind of them, the resisting engulfing kind of them, of men and women.
This second one then had as I was saying a thicker darker smoother, always as a thick fluid, the bottom nature in her. This one then had a power of engulfing some she needed for living, this one then could own some but mostly this one did not need any one, this being in her was enough to give to her a sense of superiority inside her, she had in her the sense of completely engulfing anything she needed for living and so she had in her a complete vanity a complete sense of superiority to every one. The other one had a sense of being aggrieved at never really owning any one. This one in her thicker, dark, murkier smoother bottom being had not any such feeling, mostly this one was not engulfing any one but the sensation of the feeling of potential engulfing gave to this one a complete sense of superior being to every one, there was no need then in this one for action. The other one, the first one, from her never owning any one and having the feeling of not engulfing any one needed that every one should be flattering to keep this one from feeling too much the fact