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Title: Christmas 200000 BC
Author: Stanley Waterloo
* A Project Gutenberg of Australia eBook *
eBook No.: 0603631.txt
Edition: 1
Language: English
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Date first posted: July 2006
Date most recently updated: July 2006

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Christmas 200,000 B.C.
Stanley Waterloo

IT was Christmas in the year 200,000 B.C. It is true that it was not
called Christmas then--our ancestors at that date were not much given
to the celebration of religious festivals-but, taking the Gregorian
calendar and counting backward just 200,000 plus 1887 years this
particular day would be located. There was no formal celebration, but,
nevertheless, a good deal was going on in the neighborhood of the home
of Fangs. Names were not common at the time mentioned, but the more
advanced of the cave-dwellers had them. Man had so far advanced that
only traces of his ape origin remained, and he had begun to have a
language. It was a queer "clucking" sort of language, something like
that of the Bushmen, the low type of man yet to be found in Africa,
and it was not very useful in the expression of ideas, but then
primitive man didn't have many ideas to express. Names, so far as
used, were at this time derived merely from some personal quality or
peculiarity. Fangs was so called because of his huge teeth. His mate
was called She Fox; his daughter, not Nellie, nor Jennie, nor Mamie--
young ladies did not affect the "ie" then--but Red Lips. She was, for
the age, remarkably pretty and refined. She could cast eyes which told
a story at a suitor, and there were several kinds of snake she would
not eat. She was a merry, energetic girl, and was the most useful
member of the family in tree-climbing. She was an only child and
rather petted. Her father or mother rarely knocked her down with a
very heavy club when angry, and after her fourteenth year rarely
assaulted her at all. So far as She Fox was concerned, this kindness
largely resulted from discretion, the daughter having in the last
encounter so belabored the mother that she was laid up for a week. The
father abstained chiefly because the daughter had become useful. Red
Lips was now eighteen.

Fangs was a cave-dweller. His home was sumptuously furnished. The
floor of the cave was strewn with dry grass, something that in most
other caves was lacking. Fangs was a prominent citizen. He was one of
the strongest men in the valley. He had killed Red Beard, another
prominent citizen, in a little dispute over priority of right to
possession of a dead mastodon discovered in a swamp, and had for years
been the terror of every cave man in the region who possessed anything
worth taking.

On this particular morning, which would have been Christmas morning
had it not come too early in the world's history, Fangs left the cave
after eating the whole of a waterfowl he had killed with a stone the
night before and some half dozen field mice which his wife had brought
in. She Fox and Red Lips had for breakfast only the bones of the duck
and some roots dug in the forest. Fangs carried with him a huge club,
and in a rough pouch made of the skin of some small wild animal a
collection of stones of convenient size for throwing. This was before
man had invented the bow or even the crude stone ax. He came back in a
surly mood because he had found nothing and killed nothing, but he
brought a companion with him. This companion, whom he had met in the
woods, was known as Wolf, because his countenance reminded one of a
wolf. He could hardly be called a gentleman, even as times and terms
went then. He was evidently not of an old family, for he possessed
something more than a rudimentary tail, and, had his face looked less
like that of a wolf, it would have been that of a baboon. He was
hairy, and his speech of rough gutturals was imperfect. He could
pronounce but few words. He was, however, very strong, and Fangs
rather liked him.

What Fangs did when he came in was to propose a matrimonial alliance.
That is, he grasped his daughter by the arm and led her up to Wolf,
and then pointing to an abandoned cave in the hillside not far
distant, pushed them toward it. They did not have marriage ceremonies
200,000 B.C. Wolf, who had evidently been informed of Fangs's desire
and who was himself in favor of the alliance, seized the girl and
began dragging her off to the new home and the honeymoon. She
resisted, and shrieked, and clawed like a wild-cat. Her mother, She
Fox, came running out, club in hand, but was promptly knocked down by
Fangs, who then dragged her into the cave again. Meanwhile the
bridegroom was hauling the bride away through furze and bushes at a
rapid rate. Red Lips had ceased to struggle, and was thinking. Her
thoughts were not very well defined nor Clear, but one thing she knew
well--she did not want to live in a cave with Wolf. She had a fancy
that she would prefer to live instead with Yellow Hair, a young cave
man who had not yet selected a mate, and who was remarkably fleet of
foot. They were now very near the cave, and she knew that unless she
exerted herself housekeeping would begin within a very few moments.
Wolf was strong, but slow of movement. Red Lips was only less swift
than Yellow Hair. An idea occurred to her. She bent her head and
buried her strong teeth deep in the wrist of the man who was half-
carrying, half-dragging her through the underwood.

With a howl which justified his name, Wolf for an instant released his
hold. That instant allowed the girl's escape. She leaped away like a
deer and darted into the forest. Yelling with pain and rage, Wolf
pursued her. She gained on him steadily as she ran, but there was a
light snow upon the ground, and she could be followed by the trail
which her pursuer took up doggedly and determinedly. He knew that he
could tire her out and catch her in time. He solaced himself for her
temporary escape by thinking, as he ran, how fiercely he would beat
his bride before starting for the cave again, and as he thought his
teeth showed like those of a dog of to-day.

The chase lasted for hours, and Red Lips had gained perhaps a mile
upon her pursuer when her strength began to flag. The pace was telling
upon her. She had run many miles. She was almost hopeless of escape
when she emerged into a little glade, where sat a man gnawing
contentedly at a raw rabbit. He leaped to his feet as the girl
appeared, but a moment later recognized her and smiled. The man was
Yellow Hair. He reached out part of the rabbit he was devouring, and
Red Lips, whose breakfast had, as already mentioned, been a light one,
tore at it and consumed it in a moment. Then she told of what had

"We will kill Wolf, and you shall live with me," said Yellow Hair.

Red Lips assented eagerly, and the two consulted together. Near them
was a hill, one side of which was a precipice. At the base of the
precipice ran a path. The result of the consultation was that Yellow
Hair left the girl, and making a swift circuit, came upon the
precipice from the farther side, and crouched low upon its summit. The
girl ran along the path at the bottom of the declivity for some
distance, then, entering a defile which crossed it at right angles,
herself made a turn, climbed the hill and joined Yellow Hair. From
where they were lying they could see the glade they had just left.

Wolf entered the glade, and noted where the footsteps of the girl and
those of a man came together. For a moment or two he appeared troubled
and suspicious; then his face cleared. He saw that the tracks had
diverged again. He had recognized the man's tracks as those of Yellow

"Yellow Hair is afraid of my strong arm," he thought. "He dare not
stay with Red Lips. I shall catch her soon and beat her and take her
with me."

The two crouching upon the precipice watched his every movement. They
had rolled to the edge of the declivity a rock as huge as they could
control, and now together held it poised over the pathway. Wolf came
hurrying along, his head bent down like that of a hound on the scent
of game. He reached a spot just beneath the two, and then with a
sudden united effort they shoved over the rock. It thundered down upon
the unfortunate Wolf with an accuracy which spoke well for the eyes
and hands of the lovers. The man was crushed horribly. The two above
scrambled down, laughing, and Yellow Hair took from the dead Wolf a
necklace of claws and fastened it proudly upon his own person.

"Now we will go to my cave," said he.

"No," said Red Lips; "my father will look for Wolf to-morrow, and will
find him. Then he will come and kill us. We must go and kill him

"Yes," said Yellow Hair.

Hand in hand the two started for the cave of Fangs. The side hill in
which it was situated was very steep, and the lovers thought they
could duplicate the affair with Wolf. "We must cripple him, anyway,"
said Yellow Hair, "for I am not strong enough to fight him alone. His
club is heavy."

They reached the vicinity of the cave and crept above it. Having, with
great difficulty, secured a rock in position to be rolled down, they
waited for Fangs to appear. He came out about dusk, and stretched out
his arms lazily, when the two above released the rock. It rolled down
swiftly and with great force, but there was no such sheer drop
afforded as when Wolf was killed, and Fangs heard the stone coming and
almost eluded it. It caught one of his legs, as he tried to leap
aside, and broke it. Fangs fell to the ground.

With a yell of triumph Yellow Hair bounded to where the crippled man
lay and began pounding him upon the head with his club. Fangs had a
very thick head. He struggled vigorously, and succeeded in catching
Yellow Hair by the wrist. Then he drew the younger man to him and
began to throttle him. The case of Yellow Hair was desperate. Fangs's
great strength was too much for him. His stifled yells told of his

It was at this juncture that Red Lips demonstrated her quality as a
girl of decision and of action. A sharp fragment of slate, several
pounds in weight, lay at her feet. She seized it and bounded forward
to where the struggle was going on. The back of Fangs's head was
fairly exposed. The girl brought down the sharp stone upon it just
where the head and spinal column joined, and the crashing thud told of
the force of the blow. Delivered with such strength upon such a spot
there could be but one result. The man could not have been killed more
quickly. Yellow Hair released himself from the dead giant's embrace
and rose to his feet. Then, after a short breathing time, to make
assurance sure, he picked up his club and battered the head of Fangs
until there could be no chance of his resuscitation. The performance
was unnecessary, but neither Yellow Hair nor Red Lips was aware of the
fact. Their knowledge of anatomy was limited. Neither knew the effect
of such a blow delivered properly at the base of the brain.

Yellow Hair finally ceased his exercise and rested on his club.

"Shall we go to my cave now?" said he.

"Why should we?" said Red Lips. "Let us take this cave. There is dry
grass on the floor."

They entered the cave. She Fox, who had witnessed what had occurred,
sat in one comer, and looked up doubtfully as they entered. "I am
tired," said Yellow Hair, and he laid himself down and went to sleep.

She Fox looked at her daughter. "I killed three hedgehogs to-day," she

The new mistress of the cave looked at her kindly. "Go out and dig
some roots," she said, "and come back with them, and then with them
and the hedgehogs we will have a feast."

She Fox went out and returned in an hour with roots and nuts. Red Lips
awakened Yellow Hair, and all three fed ravenously and merrily. It was
a great occasion in the cave of the late Fangs. There was no such
Christmas feast, at the same time a wedding feast, in any other cave
in all the region. And the sequel to the events of the day was as
happy as the day itself. Yellow Hair and Red Lips somehow avoided
being killed, and grew old together, and left a numerous progeny.


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