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Title:      The Paradoxes of Mr Pond (1937)
Author:     G. K. Chesterton
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Title:      The Paradoxes of Mr Pond (1937)
Author:     G. K. Chesterton




CONTENTS

I.  The Three Horsemen of Apocalypse

II.  The Crime of Captain Gahagan

III.  When Doctors Agree

IV.  Pond the Pantaloon

V.  The Unmentionable Man

VI.  Ring of Lovers

VII.  The Terrible Troubadour

VIII.  A Tall Story




THE THREE HORSEMEN OF APOCALYPSE


The curious and sometimes creepy effect which Mr. Pond produced
upon me, despite his commonplace courtesy and dapper decorum, was
possibly connected with some memories of childhood; and the vague
verbal association of his name.  He was a Government official who
was an old friend of my father; and I fancy my infantile
imagination had somehow mixed up the name of Mr. Pond with the pond
in the garden.  When one came to think of it, he was curiously like
the pond in the garden.  He was so quiet at all normal times, so
neat in shape and so shiny, so to speak, in his ordinary
reflections of earth and sky and the common daylight.  And yet I
knew there were some queer things in the pond in the garden.  Once
in a hundred times, on one or two days during the whole year, the
pond would look oddly different; or there would come a flitting
shadow or a flash in its flat serenity; and a fish or a frog or
some more grotesque creature would show itself to the sky.  And I
knew there were monsters in Mr. Pond also: monsters in his mind
which rose only for a moment to the surface and sank again.  They
took the form of monstrous remarks, in the middle of all his mild
and rational remarks.  Some people thought he had suddenly gone mad
in the midst of his sanest conversation.  But even they had to
admit that he must have suddenly gone sane again.

Perhaps, again, this foolish fantasy was fixed in the youthful mind
because, at certain moments, Mr. Pond looked rather like a fish
himself.  His manners were not only quite polite but quite
conventional; his very gestures were conventional, with the
exception of one occasional trick of plucking at his pointed beard
which seemed to come on him chiefly when he was at last forced to
be serious about one of his strange and random statements.  At such
moments he would stare owlishly in front of him and pull his beard,
which had a comic effect of pulling his mouth open, as if it were
the mouth of a puppet with hairs for wires.  This odd, occasional
opening and shutting of his mouth, without speech, had quite a
startling similarity to the slow gaping and gulping of a fish.  But
it never lasted for more than a few seconds, during which, I
suppose, he swallowed the unwelcome proposal of explaining what on
earth he meant.

He was talking quite quietly one day to Sir Hubert Wotton, the well-
known diplomatist; they were seated under gaily-striped tents or
giant parasols in our own garden, and gazing towards the pond which
I had perversely associated with him.  They happened to be talking
about a part of the world that both of them knew well, and very few
people in Western Europe at all: the vast flats fading into fens
and swamps that stretch across Pomerania and Poland and Russia and
the rest; right away, for all I know, into the Siberian deserts.
And Mr. Pond recalled that, across a region where the swamps are
deepest and intersected by pools and sluggish rivers, there runs a
single road raised on a high causeway with steep and sloping sides:
a straight path safe enough for the ordinary pedestrian, but barely
broad enough for two horsemen to ride abreast.  That is the
beginning of the story.

It concerned a time not very long ago, but a time in which horsemen
were still used much more than they are at present, though already
rather less as fighters than as couriers.  Suffice it to say that
it was in one of the many wars that have laid waste that part of
the world--in so far as it is possible to lay waste such a
wilderness.  Inevitably it involved the pressure of the Prussian
system on the nation of the Poles, but beyond that it is not
necessary to expound the politics of the matter, or discuss its
rights and wrongs here.  Let us merely say, more lightly, that Mr.
Pond amused the company with a riddle.

"I expect you remember hearing," said Pond, "of all the excitement
there was about Paul Petrowski, the poet from Cracow, who did two
things rather dangerous in those days: moving from Cracow and going
to live in Poznan; and trying to combine being a poet with being a
patriot.  The town he was living in was held at the moment by the
Prussians; it was situated exactly at the eastern end of the long
causeway; the Prussian command having naturally taken care to hold
the bridgehead of such a solitary bridge across such a sea of
swamps.  But their base for that particular operation was at the
western end of the causeway; the celebrated Marshal Von Grock was
in general command; and, as it happened, his own old regiment,
which was still his favourite regiment, the White Hussars, was
posted nearest to the beginning of the great embanked road.  Of
course, everything was spick and span, down to every detail of the
wonderful white uniforms, with the flame-coloured baldrick slung
across them; for this was just before the universal use of colours
like mud and clay for all the uniforms in the world.  I don't blame
them for that; I sometimes feel the old epoch of heraldry was a
finer thing than all that epoch of imitative colouring, that came
in with natural history and the worship of chameleons and beetles.
Anyhow, this crack regiment of cavalry in the Prussian service
still wore its own uniform; and, as you will see, that was another
element in the fiasco.  But it wasn't only the uniforms; it was the
uniformity.  The whole thing went wrong because the discipline was
too good.  Grock's soldiers obeyed him too well; so he simply
couldn't do a thing he wanted."

"I suppose that's a paradox," said Wotton, heaving a sigh.  "Of
course, it's very clever and all that; but really, it's all
nonsense, isn't it?  Oh, I know people say in a general way that
there's too much discipline in the German army.  But you can't have
too much discipline in an army."

"But I don't say it in a general way," said Pond plaintively.  "I
say it in a particular way, about this particular case.  Grock
failed because his soldiers obeyed him.  Of course, if ONE of his
soldiers had obeyed him, it wouldn't have been so bad.  But when
TWO of his soldiers obeyed him--why, really, the poor old devil had
no chance."

Wotton laughed in a guttural fashion.  "I'm glad to hear your new
military theory.  You'd allow one soldier in a regiment to obey
orders; but two soldiers obeying orders strikes you as carrying
Prussian discipline a bit too far."

"I haven't got any military theory.  I'm talking about a military
fact," replied Mr. Pond placidly.  "It is a military fact that
Grock failed, because two of his soldiers obeyed him.  It is a
military fact that he might have succeeded, if one of them had
disobeyed him.  You can make up what theories you like about it
afterwards."

"I don't go in much for theories myself," said Wotton rather
stiffly, as if he had been touched by a trivial insult.

At this moment could be seen striding across the sun-chequered
lawn, the large and swaggering figure of Captain Gahagan, the
highly incongruous friend and admirer of little Mr. Pond.  He had a
flaming flower in his buttonhole and a grey top-hat slightly
slanted upon his ginger-haired head; and he walked with a swagger
that seemed to come out of an older period of dandies and
duellists, though he himself was comparatively young.  So long as
his tall, broad-shouldered figure was merely framed against the
sunlight, he looked like the embodiment of all arrogance.  When he
came and sat down, with the sun on his face, there was a sudden
contradiction of all this in his very soft brown eyes, which looked
sad and even a little anxious.

Mr. Pond, interrupting his monologue, was almost in a twitter of
apologies:  "I'm afraid I'm talking too much, as usual; the truth
is I was talking about that poet, Petrowski, who was nearly
executed in Poznan--quite a long time ago.  The military
authorities on the spot hesitated and were going to let him go,
unless they had direct orders from Marshal Von Grock or higher; but
Marshal Von Grock was quite determined on the poet's death; and
sent orders for his execution that very evening.  A reprieve was
sent afterwards to save him; but as the man carrying the reprieve
died on the way, the prisoner was released, after all."

"But as--" repeated Wotton mechanically.

"The man carrying the REPRIEVE," added Gahagan somewhat
sarcastically.

"Died on the way," muttered Wotton.

"Why then, of course, the prisoner was released," observed Gahagan
in a loud and cheerful voice.  "All as clear as clear can be.  Tell
us another of those stories, Grandpapa."

"It's a perfectly true story," protested Pond, "and it happened
exactly as I say.  It isn't any paradox or anything like that.
Only, of course, you have to know the story to see how simple it
is."

"Yes," agreed Gahagan.  "I think I should have to know the story,
before realizing how simple it is."

"Better tell us the story and have done with it," said Wotton
shortly.



Paul Petrowski was one of those utterly unpractical men who are of
prodigious importance in practical politics.  His power lay in the
fact that he was a national poet but an international singer.  That
is, he happened to have a very fine and powerful voice, with which
he sang his own patriotic songs in half the concert halls of the
world.  At home, of course, he was a torch and trumpet of
revolutionary hopes, especially then, in the sort of international
crisis in which practical politicians disappear, and their place is
taken by men either more or less practical than themselves.  For
the true idealist and the real realist have at least the love of
action in common.  And the practical politician thrives by offering
practical objections to any action.  What the idealist does may be
unworkable, and what the man of action does may be unscrupulous;
but in neither trade can a man win a reputation by doing nothing.
It is odd that these two extreme types stood at the two extreme
ends of that one ridge and road among the marshes--the Polish poet
a prisoner in the town at one end, the Prussian soldier a commander
in the camp at the other.

For Marshal Von Grock was a true Prussian, not only entirely
practical but entirely prosaic.  He had never read a line of poetry
himself; but he was no fool.  He had the sense of reality which
belongs to soldiers; and it prevented him from falling into the
asinine error of the practical politician.  He did not scoff at
visions; he only hated them.  He knew that a poet or a prophet
could be as dangerous as an army.  And he was resolved that the
poet should die.  It was his one compliment to poetry; and it was
sincere.

He was at the moment sitting at a table in his tent; the spiked
helmet that he always wore in public was lying in front of him; and
his massive head looked quite bald, though it was only closely
shaven.  His whole face was also shaven; and had no covering but a
pair of very strong spectacles, which alone gave an enigmatic look
to his heavy and sagging visage.  He turned to a Lieutenant
standing by, a German of the pale-haired and rather pudding-faced
variety, whose blue saucer-eyes were staring vacantly.

"Lieutenant Von Hocheimer," he said, "did you say His Highness
would reach the camp to-night?"

"Seven forty-five, Marshal," replied the Lieutenant, who seemed
rather reluctant to speak at all, like a large animal learning a
new trick of talking.

"Then there is just time," said Grock, "to send you with that order
for execution, before he arrives.  We must serve His Highness in
every way, but especially in saving him needless trouble.  He will
be occupied enough reviewing the troops; see that everything is
placed at His Highness's disposal.  He will be leaving again for
the next outpost in an hour."

The large Lieutenant seemed partially to come to life and made a
shadowy salute.  "Of course, Marshal, we must all obey His
Highness."

"I said we must all serve His Highness," said the Marshal.

With a sharper movement than usual, he unhooked his heavy
spectacles and rapped them down upon the table.  If the pale blue
eyes of the Lieutenant could have seen anything of the sort, or if
they could have opened any wider even if they had, they might as
well have opened wide enough at the transformation made by the
gesture.  It was like the removal of an iron mask.  An instant
before, Marshal Von Grock had looked uncommonly like a rhinoceros,
with his heavy folds of leathery cheek and jaw.  Now he was a new
kind of monster: a rhinoceros with the eyes of an eagle.  The bleak
blaze of his old eyes would have told almost anybody that he had
something within that was not merely heavy; at least, that there
was a part of him made of steel and not only of iron.  For all men
live by a spirit, though it were an evil spirit, or one so strange
to the commonalty of Christian men that they hardly know whether it
be good or evil.

"I said we must all serve His Highness," repeated Grock.  "I will
speak more plainly, and say we must all save His Highness.  Is it
not enough for our kings that they should be our gods?  Is it not
enough for them to be served and saved?  It is we who must do the
serving and saving."

Marshal Von Grock seldom talked, or even thought, as more
theoretical people would count thinking.  And it will generally be
found that men of his type, when they do happen to think aloud,
very much prefer to talk to the dog.  They have even a certain
patronizing relish in using long words and elaborate arguments
before the dog.  It would be unjust to compare Lieutenant Von
Hocheimer to a dog.  It would be unjust to the dog, who is a much
more sensitive and vigilant creature.  It would be truer to say
that Grock in one of his rare moments of reflection, had the
comfort and safety of feeling that he was reflecting aloud in the
presence of a cow or a cabbage.

"Again and again, in the history of our Royal House, the servant
has saved the master," went on Grock, "and often got little but
kicks for it, from the outer world at least, which always whines
sentimentalism against the successful and the strong.  But at least
we were successful and we were strong.  They cursed Bismarck for
deceiving even his own master over the Ems telegram; but it made
that master the master of the world.  Paris was taken; Austria
dethroned; and we were safe.  To-night Paul Petrowski will be dead;
and we shall again be safe.  That is why I am sending you with his
death-warrant at once.  You understand that you are bearing the
order for Petrowski's instant execution--and that you must remain
to see it obeyed?"

The inarticulate Hocheimer saluted; he could understand that all
right.  And he had some qualities of a dog, after all: he was as
brave as a bulldog; and he could be faithful to the death.

"You must mount and ride at once," went on Grock, "and see that
nothing delays or thwarts you.  I know for a fact that fool Arnheim
is going to release Petrowski to-night, if no message comes.  Make
all speed."

And the Lieutenant again saluted and went out into the night; and
mounting one of the superb white chargers that were part of the
splendour of that splendid corps, began to ride along the high,
narrow road along the ridge, almost like the top of a wall, which
overlooked the dark horizon, the dim patterns and decaying colours
of those mighty marshes.

Almost as the last echoes of his horse's hoofs died away along the
causeway, Von Grock rose and put on his helmet and his spectacles
and came to the door of his tent; but for another reason.  The
chief men of his staff, in full dress, were already approaching
him; and all along the more distant lines there were the sounds of
ritual salutation and the shouting of orders.  His Highness the
Prince had come.



His Highness the Prince was something of a contrast, at least in
externals, to the men around him; and, even in other things,
something of an exception in his world.  He also wore a spiked
helmet, but that of another regiment, black with glints of blue
steel; and there was something half incongruous and half
imaginatively appropriate, in some antiquated way, in the
combination of that helmet with the long, dark, flowing beard, amid
all those shaven Prussians.  As if in keeping with the long, dark,
flowing beard, he wore a long, dark, flowing cloak, blue with one
blazing star on it of the highest Royal Order; and under the blue
cloak he wore a black uniform.  Though as German as any man, he was
a very different kind of German; and something in his proud but
abstracted face was consonant with the legend that the one true
passion of his life was music.

In truth, the grumbling Grock was inclined to connect with that
remote eccentricity the, to him, highly irritating and exasperating
fact that the Prince did not immediately proceed to the proper
review and reception by the troops, already drawn out in all the
labyrinthine parade of the military etiquette of their nation; but
plunged at once impatiently into the subject which Grock most
desired to see left alone: the subject of this infernal Pole, his
popularity and his peril; for the Prince had heard some of the
man's songs sung in half the opera-houses of Europe.

"To talk of executing a man like that is madness," said the Prince,
scowling under his black helmet.  "He is not a common Pole.  He is
a European institution.  He would be deplored and deified by our
allies, by our friends, even by our fellow-Germans.  Do you want to
be the mad women who murdered Orpheus?"

"Highness," said the Marshal, "he would be deplored; but he would
be dead.  He would be deified; but he would be dead.  Whatever he
means to do, he would never do it.  Whatever he is doing, he would
do no more.  Death is the fact of all facts; and I am rather fond
of facts."

"Do you know nothing of the world?" demanded the Prince.

"I care nothing for the world," answered Grock, "beyond the last
black and white post of the Fatherland."

"God in heaven," cried His Highness, "you would have hanged Goethe
for a quarrel with Weimar!"

"For the safety of your Royal House," answered Grock, "without one
instant's hesitation."

There was a short silence and the Prince said sharply and suddenly:
"What does this mean?"

"It means that I had not an instant's hesitation," replied the
Marshal steadily.  "I have already myself sent orders for the
execution of Petrowski."

The Prince rose like a great dark eagle, the swirl of his cloak
like the sweep of mighty wings; and all men knew that a wrath
beyond mere speech had made him a man of action.  He did not even
speak to Von Grock; but talking across him, at the top of his
voice, called out to the second in command, General Von Voglen, a
stocky man with a square head, who had stood in the background as
motionless as a stone.

"Who has the best horse in your cavalry division, General?  Who is
the best rider?"

"Arnold Von Schacht has a horse that might beat a racehorse,"
replied the General promptly.  "And rides it as well as a jockey.
He is of the White Hussars."

"Very well," said the Prince, with the same new ring in his voice.
"Let him ride at once after the man with this mad message and stop
him.  I will give him authority, which I think the distinguished
Marshal will not dispute.  Bring me pen and ink."

He sat down, shaking out the cloak, and they brought him writing
materials; and he wrote firmly and with a flourish the order,
overriding all other orders, for the reprieve and release of
Petrowski the Pole.



Then amid a dead silence, in the midst of which old Grock stood
with an unblinking stare like a stone idol of prehistoric times, he
swept out of the room, trailing his mantle and sabre.  He was so
violently displeased that no man dared to remind him of the formal
reviewing of the troops.  But Arnold Von Schacht, a curly-haired
active youth, looking more like a boy, but wearing more than one
medal on the white uniform of the Hussars, clicked his heels, and
received the folded paper from the Prince; then, striding out, he
sprang on his horse and flew along the high, narrow road like a
silver arrow or a shooting star.

The old Marshal went back slowly and calmly to his tent, slowly and
calmly removed his spiked helmet and his spectacles, and laid them
on the table as before.  Then he called out to an orderly just
outside the tent; and bade him fetch Sergeant Schwartz of the White
Hussars immediately.

A minute later, there presented himself before the Marshal a gaunt
and wiry man, with a great scar across his jaw, rather dark for a
German, unless all his colours had been changed by years of smoke
and storm and bad weather.  He saluted and stood stiffly at
attention, as the Marshal slowly raised his eyes to him.  And vast
as was the abyss between the Imperial Marshal, with Generals under
him, and that one battered non-commissioned officer, it is true
that of all the men who have talked in this tale, these two men
alone looked and understood each other without words.

"Sergeant," said the Marshal, curtly, "I have seen you twice
before.  Once, I think, when you won the prize of the whole army
for marksmanship with the carbine."

The sergeant saluted and said nothing.

"And once again," went on Von Grock, "when you were questioned for
shooting that damned old woman who would not give us information
about the ambush.  The incident caused considerable comment at the
time, even in some of our own circles.  Influence, however, was
exerted on your side.  My influence."

The sergeant saluted again; and was still silent.  The Marshal
continued to speak in a colourless but curiously candid way.

"His Highness the Prince has been misinformed and deceived on a
point essential to his own safety and that of the Fatherland.
Under this error, he has rashly sent a reprieve to the Pole
Petrowski, who is to be executed to-night.  I repeat: who is to be
executed to-night.  You must immediately ride after Von Schacht,
who carried the reprieve, and stop him."

"I can hardly hope to overtake him, Marshal," said Sergeant
Schwartz.  "He has the swiftest horse in the regiment, and is the
finest rider."

"I did not tell you to overtake him.  I told you to stop him," said
Grock.  Then he spoke more slowly:  "A man may often be stopped or
recalled by various signals: by shouting or shooting."  His voice
dragged still more ponderously, but without a pause.  "The
discharge of a carbine might attract his attention."

And then the dark sergeant saluted for the third time; and his grim
mouth was again shut tight.

"The world is changed," said Grock, "not by what is said, or what
is blamed or praised, but by what is done.  The world never
recovers from what is done.  At this moment the killing of a man is
a thing that must be done."  He suddenly flashed his brilliant eyes
of steel at the other, and added:  "I mean, of course, Petrowski."

And Sergeant Schwartz smiled still more grimly; and he also,
lifting the flap of the tent, went out into the darkness and
mounted his horse and rode.

The last of the three riders was even less likely than the first to
indulge in imaginative ideas for their own sake.  But because he
also was in some imperfect manner human, he could not but feel, on
such a night and such an errand, the oppressiveness of that inhuman
landscape.  While he rode along that one abrupt ridge, there spread
out to infinity all round him something a myriad times more inhuman
than the sea.  For a man could not swim in it, nor sail boats on
it, nor do anything human with it; he could only sink in it, and
practically without a struggle.  The sergeant felt vaguely the
presence of some primordial slime that was neither solid nor liquid
nor capable of any form; and he felt its presence behind the forms
of all things.

He was atheist, like so many thousands of dull, clever men in
Northern Germany; but he was not that happier sort of pagan who can
see in human progress a natural flowering of the earth.  That world
before him was not a field in which green or living things evolved
and developed and bore fruit; it was only an abyss in which all
living things would sink for ever as in a bottomless pit; and the
thought hardened him for all the strange duties he had to do in so
hateful a world.  The grey-green blotches of flattened vegetation,
seen from above like a sprawling map, seemed more like the chart of
a disease than a development; and the land-locked pools might have
been of poison rather than water.  He remembered some humanitarian
fuss or other about the poisoning of pools.

But the reflections of the sergeant, like most reflections of men
not normally reflective, had a root in some subconscious strain on
his nerves and his practical intelligence.  The truth was that the
straight road before him was not only dreary, but seemed
interminably long.  He would never have believed he could have
ridden so far without catching some distant glimpse of the man he
followed.  Von Schacht must indeed have the fleetest of horses to
have got so far ahead already; for, after all, he had only started,
at whatever speed, within a comparatively short time.  As Schwartz
had said, he hardly expected to overtake him; but a very realistic
sense of the distances involved had told him that he must very soon
come in sight of him.  And then, just as despair was beginning to
descend and spread itself vaguely over the desolate landscape, he
saw him at last.

A white spot, which slightly, slowly, enlarged into something like
a white figure, appeared far ahead, riding furiously.  It enlarged
to that extent because Schwartz managed a spurt of riding furiously
himself; but it was large enough to show the faint streak of orange
across the white uniform that marked the regiment of the Hussars.
The winner of the prize for shooting, in the whole army, had hit
the white of smaller targets than that.

He unslung his carbine; and a shock of unnatural noise shook up all
the wild fowl for miles upon the silent marshes.  But Sergeant
Schwartz did not trouble about them.  What interested him was that,
even at such a distance, he could see the straight, white figure
turn crooked and alter in shape, as if the man had suddenly grown
deformed.  He was hanging like a humpback over the saddle; and
Schwartz, with his exact eye and long experience, was certain that
his victim was shot through the body; and almost certain that he
was shot through the heart.  Then he brought the horse down with a
second shot; and the whole equestrian group heeled over and slipped
and slid and vanished in one white flash into the dark fenland
below.

The hard-headed sergeant was certain that his work was done.  Hard-
headed men of his sort are generally very precise about what they
are doing; that is why they are so often quite wrong about what
they do.  He had outraged the comradeship that is the soul of
armies; he had killed a gallant officer who was in the performance
of his duty; he had deceived and defied his sovereign and committed
a common murder without excuse of personal quarrel; but he had
obeyed his superior officer and he had helped to kill a Pole.
These two last facts for the moment filled his mind; and he rode
thoughtfully back again to make his report to Marshal Von Grock.
He had no doubts about the thoroughness of the work he had done.
The man carrying the reprieve was certainly dead; and even if by
some miracle he were only dying, he could not conceivably have
ridden his dead or dying horse to the town in time to prevent the
execution.  No; on the whole it was much more practical and prudent
to get back under the wing of his protector, the author of the
desperate project.  With his whole strength he leaned on the
strength of the great Marshal.

And truly the great Marshal had this greatness about him; that
after the monstrous thing he had done, or caused to be done, he
disdained to show any fear of facing the facts on the spot or the
compromising possibilities of keeping in touch with his tool.  He
and the sergeant, indeed, an hour or so later, actually rode along
the ridge together, till they came to a particular place where the
Marshal dismounted, but bade the other ride on.  He wished the
sergeant to go forward to the original goal of the riders, and see
if all was quiet in the town after the execution, or whether there
remained some danger from popular resentment.

"Is it here, then, Marshal?" asked the sergeant in a low voice.  "I
fancied it was further on; but it's a fact the infernal road seemed
to lengthen out like a nightmare."

"It is here," answered Grock, and swung himself heavily from saddle
and stirrup, and then went to the edge of the long parapet and
looked down.

The moon had risen over the marshes and gone up strengthening in
splendour and gleaming on dark waters and green scum; and in the
nearest clump of reeds, at the foot of the slope, there lay, as in
a sort of luminous and radiant ruin, all that was left of one of
those superb white horses and white horsemen of his old brigade.
Nor was the identity doubtful; the moon made a sort of aureole of
the curled golden hair of young Arnold, the second rider and the
bearer of the reprieve; and the same mystical moonshine glittered
not only on baldrick and buttons, but on the special medals of the
young soldier and the stripes and signs of his degree.  Under such
a glamorous veil of light, he might almost have been in the white
armour of Sir Galahad; and there could scarcely have been a more
horrible contrast than that between such fallen grace and youth
below and the rocky and grotesque figure looking down from above.
Grock had taken off his helmet again; and though it is possible
that this was the vague shadow of some funereal form of respect,
its visible effect was that the queer naked head and neck like that
of a pachyderm glittered stonily in the moon, like the hairless
head and neck of some monster of the Age of Stone.  Rops, or some
such etcher of the black, fantastic German schools, might have
drawn such a picture: of a huge beast as inhuman as a beetle
looking down on the broken wings and white and golden armour of
some defeated champion of the Cherubim.

Grock said no prayer and uttered no pity; but in some dark way his
mind was moved, as even the dark and mighty swamp will sometimes
move like a living thing; and as such men will, when feeling for
the first time faintly on their defence before they know not what,
he tried to formulate his only faith and confront it with the stark
universe and the staring moon.

"After and before the deed the German Will is the same.  It cannot
be broken by changes and by time, like that of those others who
repent.  It stands outside time like a thing of stone, looking
forward and backward with the same face."

The silence that followed lasted long enough to please his cold
vanity with a certain sense of portent; as if a stone figure had
spoken in a valley of silence.  But the silence began to thrill
once more with a distant whisper which was the faint throb of
horsehoofs; and a moment later the sergeant came galloping, or
rather racing, back along the uplifted road, and his scarred and
swarthy visage was no longer merely grim but ghastly in the moon.

"Marshal," he said, saluting with a strange stiffness, "I have seen
Petrowski the Pole!"

"Haven't they buried him yet?" asked the Marshal, still staring
down and in some abstraction.

"If they have," said Schwartz, "he has rolled the stone away and
risen from the dead."

He stared in front of him at the moon and marshes; but, indeed,
though he was far from being a visionary character, it was not
these things that he saw, but rather the things he had just seen.
He had, indeed, seen Paul Petrowski walking alive and alert down
the brilliantly illuminated main avenue of that Polish town to the
very beginning of the causeway; there was no mistaking the slim
figure with plumes of hair and tuft of Frenchified beard which
figured in so many private albums and illustrated magazines.  And
behind him he had seen that Polish town aflame with flags and
firebrands and a population boiling with triumphant hero-worship,
though perhaps less hostile to the government than it might have
been, since it was rejoicing at the release of its popular hero.

"Do you mean," cried Grock with a sudden croaking stridency of
voice, "that they have dared to release him in defiance of my
message?"

Schwartz saluted again and said:

"They had already released him and they have received no message."

"Do you ask me, after all this," said Grock, "to believe that no
messenger came from our camp at all?"

"No messenger at all," said the sergeant.

There was a much longer silence, and then Grock said, hoarsely:
"What in the name of hell has happened?  Can you think of anything
to explain it all?"

"I have seen something," said the sergeant, "which I think does
explain it all."

When Mr. Pond had told the story up to this point, he paused with
an irritating blankness of expression.

"Well," said Gahagan impatiently, "and do YOU know anything that
would explain it all?"

"Well, I think I do," said Mr. Pond meekly.  "You see, I had to
worry it out for myself, when the report came round to my
department.  It really did arise from an excess of Prussian
obedience.  It also arose from an excess of another Prussian
weakness: contempt.  And of all the passions that blind and madden
and mislead men, the worst is the coldest: contempt.

"Grock had talked much too comfortably before the cow, and much too
confidently before the cabbage.  He despised stupid men even on his
own staff; and treated Von Hocheimer, the first messenger, as a
piece of furniture merely because he looked like a fool; but the
Lieutenant was not such a fool as he looked.  He also understood
what the great Marshal meant, quite as well as the cynical
sergeant, who had done such dirty work all his life.  Hocheimer
also understood the Marshal's peculiar moral philosophy: that an
act is unanswerable even when it is indefensible.  He knew that
what his commander wanted was simply the corpse of Petrowski; that
he wanted it anyhow, at the expense of any deception of princes or
destruction of soldiers.  And when he heard a swifter horseman
behind him, riding to overtake him, he knew as well as Grock
himself that the new messenger must be carrying with him the
message of the mercy of the Prince.  Von Schacht, that very young
but gallant officer, looking like the very embodiment of all that
more generous tradition of Germany that has been too much neglected
in this tale, was worthy of the accident that made him the herald
of a more generous policy.  He came with the speed of that noble
horsemanship that has left behind it in Europe the very name of
chivalry, calling out to the other in a tone like a herald's
trumpet to stop and stand and turn.  And Von Hocheimer obeyed.  He
stopped, he reined in his horse, he turned in his saddle; but his
hand held the carbine levelled like a pistol, and he shot the boy
between the eyes.

"Then he turned again and rode on, carrying the death-warrant of
the Pole.  Behind him horse and man had crashed over the edge of
the embankment, so that the whole road was clear.  And along that
clear and open road toiled in his turn the third messenger,
marvelling at the interminable length of his journey; till he saw
at last the unmistakable uniform of a Hussar like a white star
disappearing in the distance, and he shot also.  Only he did not
kill the second messenger, but the first.

"That was why no messenger came alive to the Polish town that
night.  That was why the prisoner walked out of his prison alive.
Do you think I was quite wrong in saying that Von Grock had two
faithful servants, and one too many?"



THE CRIME OF CAPTAIN GAHAGAN


It must be confessed that some people thought Mr. Pond a bore.  He
had a weakness for long speeches, not out of self-importance, but
because he had an old-fashioned taste in literature; and had
unconsciously inherited the habit of Gibbon or Butler or Burke.
Even his paradoxes were not what are called brilliant paradoxes.
The word brilliant has long been the most formidable weapon of
criticism; but Mr. Pond could not be blasted and withered with a
charge of brilliancy.  Thus, in the case now to be considered, when
Mr. Pond said (referring, I grieve to say, to the greater part of
the female sex, at least in its most modern phase):  "They go so
fast that they get no farther," he did not mean it as an epigram.
And somehow it did not sound epigrammatic; but only odd and
obscure.  And the ladies to whom he said it, notably the Hon.
Violet Varney, could see no sense in it.  They thought Mr. Pond,
when he was not boring, was only bewildering.

Anyhow, Mr. Pond did sometimes indulge in long speeches.  Triumph
therefore and great glory belongs to anyone who could successfully
stop Mr. Pond from making long speeches; and this laurel is for the
brows of Miss Artemis Asa-Smith, of Pentapolis, Pa.  She came to
interview Mr. Pond for The Live Wire, touching his alleged views on
the Haggis Mystery; and she did not let him get a word in edgeways.

"I believe," began Mr. Pond, rather nervously, "that your paper is
inquiring about what some call Private Execution, and I call
murder, but--"

"Forget it," said the young lady briefly.  "It's just too wonderful
for me to be sitting here next to all secrets of your government;
why--"

She continued her monologue; though in a style of dots and dashes.
As she would not let Mr. Pond interrupt her, she seemed to think it
only fair to interrupt herself.  Somehow it seemed at once as if
her speech would never end; and not one sentence of it was ever
ended.

We have all heard of American interviewers who rip up family
secrets, break down bedroom doors and collect information in the
manner of burglars.  There are some; but there are also others.
There are, or were, when the writer remembers them, a very large
number of intelligent men ready to discuss intelligent things; and
there was Miss Asa-Smith.  She was small and dark; she was rather
pretty and would have been very pretty if she had not dipped her
lipstick in hues of earthquake and eclipse.  Her finger-nails were
painted five different colours, looking like the paints in a
child's paintbox; and she was as innocent as a child.  She was also
as garrulous as a child.  She felt something paternal about Mr.
Pond and told him everything.  He did not have to tell her
anything.  No buried tragedies of the Pond family were dug up; no
secrets of the crimes committed behind Mr. Pond's bedroom door.
Conversation, so to describe it, revolved largely round her early
days in Pennsylvania; her first ambitions and ideals; which two
things, like many of her local traditions, she seemed to imagine to
be the same.  She was a Feminist and had stood up with Ada P. Tuke
against clubs and saloons and the selfishness of man.  She had
written a play; and she just longed to read it to Mr. Pond.

"About that question of Private Execution," said Mr. Pond politely,
"I suppose we've all been tempted in desperate moments--"

"Well, I'm just desperate to read you this play, and--you know how
it is.  You see, my play's awfully MODERN.  But even the modernest
people haven't done just that--I mean, beginning in the water and
then--"

"Beginning in the water?" inquired Mr. Pond.

"Yes, isn't it just too--oh, you know.  I suppose they will have
all characters in bathing dresses soon--but they'll only just enter
L. or R.; come on at the side, you know--and all the old stuff.  My
characters enter from above, diving, with a splash--Well, that'll
be a splash, won't it?  I mean to say, it begins like that."  She
began to read very rapidly:


"Scene, sea outside the Lido.

"Voice of Tom Toxin (from above):  'See me make a splash, if--'
(Toxin dives from above to stage in pea-green bathing-suit).

"Voice of Duchess (from above):  'Only sort of splash you'll ever
make, you--'  (Duchess dives from above in scarlet bathing-suit).

"Toxin (coming up spluttering):  'Splutter as splutter . . . splosh
is the only splash by your--.'

"Duchess:  'Oh, Grandpa!'"


"She calls him Grandpa, you see, because 'splosh' means money in
that ever-so-old comic song--they're quite young really, of course,
and rather . . . you know.  But--"

Mr. Pond interposed with delicacy and firmness:  "I wonder whether
you would be so very kind, Miss Asa-Smith, as to leave the
manuscript with me or send me a copy, so that I can enjoy it at
leisure.  It reads rather quickly for old buffers like me; and
nobody ever seems to finish a sentence.  But do you think you can
persuade our leading actors and actresses to dive from great
heights into a stage sea?"

"Oh, I dare say some of the old-stagers would be stuffy about it,"
she replied, "because--can't fancy your great tragedienne, Olivia
Feversham--though she's not so old really and just lovely still,
only--but so Shakespearian!  But I've got the Honourable Violet
Varney to PROMISE, and her sister's quite a friend of mine, though
of course not so--and lots of amateurs would do it for fun.  That
Gahagan guy is a good swimmer, and he's acted, too, and--oh, well,
he'd click if Joan Varney's in it."

The face of Mr. Pond, hitherto patient and stoical, became quite
silently alert and alive.  He said with a new gravity:

"Captain Gahagan is a great friend of mine, and he has introduced
me to Miss Varney.  As to her sister, the one on the stage--"

"Not a patch on Joan, is she?  But--" said Miss Asa-Smith.

Mr. Pond had formed an impression.  He liked Miss Asa-Smith.  He
liked her very much.  And the thought of the Honourable Violet
Varney, that English aristocrat, made him like the American even
more.  The Honourable Violet was one of those wealthy women who pay
to act badly; and blackleg the poorer people who might have been
paid to act well.  She certainly was quite capable of diving in a
bathing dress, or in anything or nothing, if it were the only way
to the stage and the spot-light.  She was quite capable of helping
Miss Asa-Smith in her absurd play and talking similar nonsense
about being modern and independent of selfish man.  But there was a
difference; and it was not to the advantage of the Honourable
Violet.  Poor Artemis followed idiotic fashions because she was a
hard-working journalist who had to earn her living; and Violet
Varney only took away other people's living.  They both spoke in
the style that was a string of unfinished sentences.  It was the
one language Mr. Pond thought that might truly be called broken
English.  But Violet dropped the tail of a sentence as if she were
too tired to finish it; Artemis did so as if she were really too
eager to get on to the next.  There was within her, somehow, a
thing, a spirit of life, which survives every criticism of America.

"Joan Varney's much nicer," continued Artemis, "and you bet your
friend Gahagan thinks so.  Do you think they'll really hitch up?
He's a queer fellow, you know."

Mr. Pond did not deny it.  Captain Gahagan, that swaggering and
restless and sometimes sullen man-about-town, was queer in many
ways; and in none more than in his almost incongruous affection for
the precise and prosaic Mr. Pond.

"Some say he's a rotter," said the candid American.  "I don't say
that; but I do say he's a dark horse.  And he does shilly-shally
about Joan Varney, doesn't he?  Some say he's really in love with
the great Olivia--your only tragic actress.  Only she's so jolly
tragic."

"God send she doesn't play in a real tragedy," said Pond.

He knew what he meant; but he had not the faintest foreshadowing of
the awful tragedy of real life and death in which Olivia Feversham
was to play within the next twenty-four hours.

He was only thinking of his Irish friend as he knew him; and he was
near enough to know all that he did not know.  Peter Patrick
Gahagan lived the modern life, perhaps to excess, was a prop of
nightclubs and a driver of sports cars, still comparatively young;
but, for all that, he was a survival.  He belonged to the times of
a more Byronic pose.  When Mr. W. B. Yeats wrote:  "Romantic
Ireland's dead and gone; it's with O'Leary in the grave," he had
never met Gahagan, who was not yet in the grave.  He was of that
older tradition by a hundred tests; he had been a cavalry soldier
and also a member of Parliament; the last to follow the old Irish
orators with their rounded periods.  Like all these, for some
reason, he adored Shakespeare.  Isaac Butt filled speeches with
Shakespeare; Tim Healy could quote the poet so that his poetry
seemed part of the living talk at table; Russell of Killowen read
no other book.  But he, like they, was Shakespearian in an
eighteenth-century way: the way of Garrick; and that eighteenth
century that he recalled had a pretty pagan side to it.  Pond could
not dismiss the chances of Gahagan having an affair with Olivia or
anyone else; and if so a storm might be brewing.  For Olivia was
married; and to no complaisant husband, either.

Frederick Feversham was something worse than an unsuccessful actor;
he was one who had been successful.  He was now forgotten in the
theatre and remembered only in the law-courts.  A dark and crabbed
man, still haggardly handsome, he had become famous, or familiar,
as a sort of permanent litigant.  He was eternally bringing actions
against people whom he charged with trivial tricks and distant and
disputable wrongs: managers and rivals and the rest.  He had as yet
no special quarrel with his wife, younger than himself and still
popular in the profession.  But he was much less intimate with his
wife than with his solicitor.

Through court after court Feversham passed, pursuing his rights and
followed like a shadow by his solicitor, Luke, of the firm of
Masters, Luke and Masters; a young man with flat, yellow hair and a
rather wooden face.  What he thought of his client's feuds and how
far he ventured to restrain them, that wooden face would never
reveal.  But he worked well for his client; and the two had
necessarily become in a way companions-in-arms.  Of one thing Pond
was certain.  Neither Feversham nor Luke was likely to spare
Gahagan, if that erratic gentleman put himself in the wrong.  But
this part of the problem was destined to find a worse solution than
he dreamed of.  Twenty-four hours after Pond's talk with the
interviewer, he learned that Frederick Feversham was dead.

Like other litigious persons, Mr. Feversham had left a legal
problem behind him, to feed many lawyers with fees.  But it was not
the problem of an ill-drawn will or a dubious signature.  It was
the problem of a stiff and staring corpse, lying just inside a
garden-gate and nailed there by a fencing-sword with the button
broken off.  Frederick Feversham, that legalist, had suffered at
least one final and indisputable illegality; he had been stabbed to
death as he entered his own home.



Long before certain facts, slowly collected, were put before the
police, they were put before Mr. Pond.  This may seem odd, but
there were reasons; indeed Mr. Pond, like many other Government
officials, had rather secret and unsuspected spheres of influence;
his public powers were very private.  Younger and more conspicuous
men had even been known to stand in a certain awe of him, owing to
special circumstances.  But to explain all that is to explore the
labyrinth of the most unconstitutional of all constitutions.  In
any case, his first warning of the trouble took the commonplace
form of an ordinary legal letter, with the heading of the well-
known firm of Masters, Luke and Masters, expressing the hope that
Mr. Luke might be allowed to discuss certain information with Mr.
Pond, before it was necessary for it to reach the police
authorities or the Press.  Mr. Pond replied equally formally that
he would be delighted to receive Mr. Luke at a certain hour upon
the following day.  Then he sat and stared into vacancy, with that
rather goggling expression which led some of his friends to compare
him to a fish.

He had already thought of about two-thirds of what the solicitor
was going to tell him.

"The truth is, Mr. Pond," said the solicitor, in a confidential but
still careful voice, when he was at length deposited on the other
side of Mr. Pond's table next day.  "The truth is that the
possibilities of this affair, painful in any case, may be specially
painful for you.  Most of us find it impossible to imagine that a
personal friend might come under suspicion in such matters."

The mild eyes of Mr. Pond opened very wide, and even his mouth made
the momentary movement which some thought so very fishy.  The
lawyer probably assumed that he was shocked at the first suggestion
of his friend being affected; in fact, he was mildly amazed to
suppose that anybody had not entertained the idea long ago.  He
knew that words to that effect were common in the more conventional
detective stories, which he heartily enjoyed, as a change from
Burke and Gibbon.  He could see the printed words on a hundred
pages:  "None of us could believe that this handsome young
cricketer had committed a crime," or:  "It seemed absurd to connect
murder with a man like Captain Pickleboy, the most popular figure
in Society." He had always wondered what the words meant.  To his
simple and sceptical eighteenth-century mind, they seemed to mean
nothing at all.  Why should not pleasant and fashionable men commit
murders, like anybody else?  He was very much upset himself,
inside, about this particular case; but he still did not understand
that way of talking.

"I am sorry to say," continued the lawyer in a low voice, "that
private investigation which we have already made, on our own
account, places your friend, Captain Gahagan, in a position
requiring explanation."

"Yes," thought Pond, "and, my God, Gahagan really does require
explanation!  That's exactly the difficulty about him--but, Lord,
how slow this fellow is!"  In short, the real trouble was that Pond
was very fond of Captain Gahagan; but in so far as one could ask
whether men were capable of murder, he was rather inclined to think
that Gahagan WAS capable of murder--more capable of murder than of
meanness to a cabman.

Suddenly, with extraordinary vividness, the image of Gahagan
himself sprang up in Pond's memory: Gahagan as he had last seen him
lounging with his large shoulders and long stride, and strange dark-
red hair under the rather rakishly tilted grey top-hat, and behind
him a space of sunset where the evening clouds passed in a sort of
crumbling purple pomp, rather like the pomp of poor Gahagan
himself.  No; the Irishman was a man seventy-and-seven times to be
forgiven; but not a man to be lightly acquitted.

"Mr. Luke," said Pond suddenly, "will it save time if I tell you,
to start with, what I know there is against Gahagan?  He was
hanging round Mrs. Feversham, the great actress; I don't know why
he was; my own belief is that he is really in love with another
woman.  Yet he did unquestionably give the actress a huge amount of
his time: hours and hours and late hours too.  But if Feversham
caught him doing anything unconventional, Feversham was not the man
to let him off without a lawsuit and a scandal and God knows what.
I don't want to criticize your client; but, speaking crudely, he
almost lived on lawsuits and scandals all his life.  And if
Feversham was the man to threaten or blackmail, I give it you
frankly that Gahagan was the man to hit him back in a bodily
fashion; and perhaps kill him, especially if a lady's name were
involved.  That is the case against Captain Gahagan; and I tell you
at the start that I don't believe in it."

"Unfortunately it is not the whole case against Captain Gahagan,"
replied Luke smoothly, "and I fear the full statement may make even
you believe it.  Perhaps the most serious result of our
investigations is this.  It is now quite clearly established that
Captain Gahagan gave three quite contrary and inconsistent accounts
of his movements, or proposed movements, on the evening of the
murder.  Allowing him the highest possible marks for truthfulness
in the matter, he must at least have told two lies to one truth."

"I have always found Gahagan truthful enough," replied Pond,
"except when he was telling lies for amusement; which is really
rather the mark of a man who doesn't prostitute the sublime art of
lying to the base uses of necessity.  About all ordinary practical
things, I have found him not only frank but also rather precise."

"Even accepting what you say," answered Mr. Luke dubiously, "we
should still have to answer:  If he was commonly candid and
truthful, it must have been a mortal and desperate occasion that
made him lie."

"To whom did he tell these lies?" asked Pond.

"That is where the whole matter is so painful and delicate," said
the lawyer, shaking his head.  "That afternoon, it seems, Gahagan
had been talking to several ladies."

"He generally has," said Pond.  "Or was it they who were talking to
him?  If one of them happened, for instance, to be that very
charming lady, Miss Asa-Smith of Pentapolis, I would venture to
guess that it was she who was talking to him."

"This is rather extraordinary," said Luke in some surprise.  "I do
not know if it was a guess; but one of them certainly was a Miss
Asa-Smith of Pentapolis.  The other two were the Hon. Violet Varney
and, last but not least, the Hon. Joan Varney.  As a matter of
fact, it was the last that he spoke to first; which, I suppose, was
only natural.  It is notable, on your own suggestion, that he is
really attached to this last lady, that his statement to her was
apparently much the nearest to the truth."

"Ah," said Mr. Pond, and pulled his beard thoughtfully.

"Joan Varney," observed the lawyer gravely, "stated most
definitely, before she knew that there was any trouble or tragedy
in this case, that Captain Gahagan had left the house saying:  'I
am going round to the Fevershams'.'"

"And you say that is contradicted by his statement to the others,"
said Mr. Pond.

"Most emphatically," replied Luke.  "The other sister, well known
on the stage as Violet Varney, stopped him as he was going out and
they exchanged a little light conversation.  But, as he left, he
distinctly said to her:  'I'm not going to the Fevershams'; they're
still at Brighton,' or something like that."

"And now we come," said Mr. Pond, smiling, "to my young friend from
Pentapolis.  What was she doing there, by the way?"

"He found her on the doorstep when he opened the front door,"
replied Mr. Luke, also smiling.  "She had arrived in a rush of
enthusiasm to interview Violet Varney as 'Comedienne and Social
Leader.'  Neither she nor Gahagan are the sort of people not to be
noticed; or to fail to notice each other.  So Gahagan had a little
talk with her, too; at the end of which he departed, with a
flourish of his grey top-hat, telling her that he was going
immediately to the club."

"Are you certain of that?" asked Pond, frowning.

"She was certain of it; because she was in a red-hot rage about
it," replied Luke.  "It seems that she has some feminist fad on the
subject.  She thinks all male persons who go to clubs go there to
tell slanderous anecdotes about women and then drink themselves
under the table.  She may have had a little professional feeling
about it too; perhaps she would have liked to have a longer
interview, either for herself or The Live Wire.  But I'll swear
she's quite honest."

"Oh, yes," said Mr. Pond emphatically but rather gloomily, "she's
absolutely honest."

"Well, there it is," said Luke, speaking also not without a decent
gloom.  "It seems to me that the psychology's only too obvious
under the circumstances.  He blurted out where he was really going
to the girl he was accustomed to confide in; perhaps he didn't
really plan the crime till later; or perhaps it wasn't entirely
planned or premeditated.  But by the time he talked to less
friendly people he saw how unwise it would be to say he was going
to the Fevershams'.  His first impulse is to say, hastily and too
crudely, that he was NOT going to the Fevershams'.  Then, by the
third interview, he thinks of a really good lie, normal and
sufficiently vague, and says he is going to the club."

"It might be like that," replied Pond, "or it might--"  And Mr.
Pond fell for the first time into the lax habit of Miss Asa-Smith,
and failed to finish his sentence.  Instead he sat staring at the
distance with his rather goggle-eyed and fish-like gaze; then he
put his head on his hands, said apologetically:  "Please pardon me
if I think for a minute," and buried his bald brows once more.

The bearded fish came to the surface again with a somewhat new
expression, and said with a brisk and almost sharp tone:

"You seem very much bent on bringing the crime home to poor
Gahagan."

For the first time Luke's features stiffened to hardness, or even
harshness.  "We naturally wish to bring the murderer of our client
to justice."

Pond bent forward and his eyes were penetrating as he repeated:
"But you will have it that the murderer was Gahagan."

"I've given you the evidence," said Luke, lowering; "you know the
witnesses."

"And yet, oddly enough," said Pond very slowly, "you haven't
mentioned the really damning thing against him in the report of
those witnesses."

"It's damning enough--what do you mean?" snapped the lawyer.

"I mean the fact that they are UNWILLING witnesses," replied Pond.
"It couldn't be a conspiracy.  My little Yank is as honest as the
day and would never join a conspiracy.  He's the sort of man women
like.  Even Violet Varney likes him.  Joan Varney loves him.  And
yet they all give evidence to contradict him or, at least, show he
contradicted himself.  And yet they're all wrong."

"What the devil do you mean," cried Luke with sudden impatience,
"by saying they're all wrong?"

"They're all wrong about what he said," answered Pond.  "Did you
ask them if he said anything else?"

"What else is needed?" cried the lawyer, now really angry.  "They
could all swear he said what I say.  Going to the Fevershams'; not
going to the Fevershams'; going to some unnamed club--and then
bolting down the street so as to leave a lady in a rage."

"Precisely," said Pond.  "You say he said three different things.
I say he said the same thing to all three.  He turned it the other
way round and made it the same."

"He turned it the other way round all right," retorted Luke almost
viciously.  "But if he goes into the witness-box, he'll find out
whether the law of perjury says that turning a thing round makes it
the same."

There was a pause and then Mr. Pond said serenely:

"So now we know all about the Crime of Captain Gahagan."

"Who says we know all about anything?  I don't.  Do you?"

"Yes," said Mr. Pond.  "The Crime of Captain Gahagan was that he
didn't understand women; especially modern women.  These men with a
vague air of being lady-killers seldom do.  Don't you know that
dear old Gahagan is really your great-great-grandfather?"

Mr. Luke made a movement as of sudden and sincere alarm; he was not
the first man to fancy for a moment that Mr. Pond was mad.

"Can't you see," went on Pond, "that he belongs to the school of
the old bucks and beaux who called her 'Woman, Lovely Woman,' and
knew nothing whatever about her--to the considerable increase of
her power?  But how they could pay compliments!  'Stand close
about, you Stygian set. . . .'  But perhaps, as you seem to
suggest, it is not quite relevant.  But you see what I mean by
Gahagan being the old sort of lady-killer?"

"I know he's a very old sort of gentleman-killer," cried Luke quite
violently, "and that he killed the worthy and greatly wronged
gentleman who was my client and friend!"

"You seem a little annoyed," said Mr. Pond.  "Have you tried
reading Dr. Johnson's Vanity of Human Wishes?  Very soothing.
Believe me, those eighteenth-century writers I wanted to quote are
very soothing.  Have you read Addison's play about Cato?"

"You appear to be mad," said the lawyer, now positively pale.

"Or again," continued Mr. Pond in a chatty way, "have you read Miss
Asa-Smith's play about the duchess in the bathing-suit?  All the
sentences curiously cut short--like the bathing-suit."

"Do you mean anything whatever?" asked the lawyer in a low voice.

"Oh, yes, I mean a great deal," replied Pond.  "But it takes quite
a long time to explain--like the Vanity of Human Wishes.  What I
mean is this.  My friend Gahagan is very fond of those old wits and
orators, just as I am; speeches where you have to wait for the
peroration; epigrams with the sting in the tail.  That's how we
first became friends, by both being fond of the eighteenth-century
style; balance and antithesis and all that.  Now if you have this
habit and read, say, the hackneyed lines in Cato:  ''Tis not in
mortals to command success; but we'll do more, Sempronius, we'll
deserve it'--well, it may be good or bad; but you've got to wait
for the end of the sentence; because it begins with a platitude and
ends with a point.  But the modern sort of sentence never ends; and
nobody waits for it to end.

"Now women were always a little like that.  It isn't that they
don't think, they think quicker than we do.  They often talk
better.  But they don't LISTEN so well.  They leap so quickly upon
the first point; they see so much more in it; and go off in a
gallop of inference about it--so that they sometimes don't notice
the rest of the speech at all.  But Gahagan, being of the other
sort, the old oratorical sort, would always end his sentence
properly, and be as careful to say what he meant at the end as the
beginning.

"I suggest to you, as the barristers say, that what Captain Gahagan
really said to Joan in the first case was this:  'I'm going round
to the Fevershams'; I don't believe they are back from Brighton
yet, but I'll just look in and see.  If they're not.  I'll go on to
the club.'  That is what Peter Gahagan said; but that is not what
Joan Varney heard.  She heard about going to the Fevershams' and
felt at once that she knew all about it--far too much about it--to
the not unnatural tune of 'He's going to see that woman'; even
though his next words were that the woman almost certainly wasn't
there.  Stuff about Brighton and the club didn't interest her, and
she didn't even remember it.  Very well, let us go on to the next
case.  What Gahagan said to Violet Varney was this:  'It's no good
going to the Fevershams' really; they're not back from Brighton;
but perhaps I'll look in and see; if they're not back, I shall go
on to the club.'  Violet is much less truthful and careful than
Joan; and she was jealous of Olivia herself, but in a much
shallower way, Violet supposing herself to be an actress.  She also
heard the word Feversham and remembered vaguely that he said it was
no good going there; that is, that he was not going there.  She was
pleased at this and condescended to chat with him; but did not
condescend to pay any attention whatever to anything else he said.

"Now for the third case.  What Gahagan said to Miss Artemis Asa-
Smith on the doorstep was this:  'I'm going to the club; I promised
to look in on some friends of mine on the way, the Fevershams; but
I don't believe they're back from Brighton.'  That's what he said.
What Artemis heard, saw and blasted with her blazing eye, was a
typical insolent, selfish, self-indulgent male brazenly bragging in
the open street of his intention to go to his infamous club, where
women are slandered and men drugged with alcohol.  After the shock
of this shameless avowal, of course she could not stoop to pick up
the pieces of any other silly things he had said.  He was simply
the man who went to the club.

"Now all those three real statements of Gahagan are exactly the
same.  They all mean the same thing; map out the same course of
action; give the same reasons for the same acts.  But they sound
totally different according to which sentence comes first;
especially to these rather jumpy modern girls, accustomed only to
jump at the sentence that comes first--very often because there
isn't any thing at all to come after it.  The Asa-Smith school of
drama, in which every sentence stops as soon as it starts, if it
doesn't strike you as having much to do with the Tragedy of Cato,
has had a very great deal to do with the Tragedy of Captain
Gahagan.  They might have hanged my friend between them, with the
best intentions in the world, simply and solely because they will
think only in half-sentences.  Broken necks, broken hearts, broken
lives, and all because they won't learn any language but broken
English.  Don't you think there's something to be said for that
musty old taste of his and mine, for the sort of literature that
makes you read all that a man writes and listen to all that he
says?  Wouldn't you rather have an important statement made to you
in the language of Addison or Johnson than in the splutterings of
Mr. Toxin and the Diving Duchess?"

During this monologue, certainly rather long, the lawyer had grown
more and more restless and full of nervous irritation.

"This is all fancywork," he said almost feverishly.  "You haven't
proved any of this."

"No," said Pond gravely, "as you say, I fancied it.  At least I
guessed it.  But I did ring up Gahagan and hear something of the
truth of his words and movements that afternoon."

"Truth!" cried Luke, with very extraordinary bitterness.

Pond looked at him curiously.  That woodenness of visage which was
the first impression produced by Mr. Luke was found on examination
to consist mostly of a rather forced look of fixity, combined with
the rigid smoothness of his head and hair, the latter looking as if
it had been painted on with some rather sticky yellow paint: a
gummy gamboge.  His eyelids indeed were cold and often partially
closed; but inside them the grey-green eyes seemed strangely small,
as if they were distant; and they were dancing and darting about
like microscopic green flies.  The more Mr. Pond looked at those
veiled but restless eyes, the less he liked them.  The old fancy
came back to him about an actual conspiracy against Gahagan; though
certainly not one worked by Artemis or Joan.  At last he broke the
silence very abruptly.

"Mr. Luke," he said, "you are naturally concerned for your late
client; but some might feel you had a more than professional
interest.  Since you study his interests so deeply, can you give me
a piece of information about him?  DID Mr. Feversham and his wife
come back from Brighton that day?  Was Mrs. Feversham at the house
that afternoon, whether Gahagan went there, or not?"

"She was not," said Luke shortly.  "They were both expected to
return next morning.  I have no idea why Feversham himself did
return that night."

"Looks almost as if somebody had sent for him," said Mr. Pond.

Mr. Luke the solicitor rose abruptly from his seat and turned away.
"I cannot see any use in all these speculations of yours," he said,
and, making a stiff salute, he took his top-hat and was gone from
the house with a swiftness that seemed hardly normal.

Next day Mr. Pond clad himself even more conventionally and
carefully than usual, and proceeded to pay a round of calls on a
series of ladies: a frivolous solemnity which with him was by no
means usual.  The first lady he waited upon was the Hon. Violet
Varney, whom he had hitherto only seen in the distance, and was
gently depressed at having to see so close.  She was what he
believed, in these latter days, to be described as a platinum
blonde.  It was doubtless a graceful reminiscence of her own name
which led her to tint her mouth and cheeks with a colour that was
rather violet than purple, giving an effect which her friends
called ghostly and her foes ghastly.  Even from this listless
lady he did extract some admissions lending to help in the
reconstruction of Gahagan's real remarks; though the lady's own
remarks had their usual air of expiring with a gasp before they
were really finished.  Then he had another interview with her
sister, Joan, and marvelled inwardly at the strange thing which is
human personality and stands apart from modes and manners.  For
Joan had very much the same tricks of style; the same rather high,
well-bred voice, the same sketchy, uncompleted sentences; but,
fortunately, not the same purple powder and not in the least the
same eyes or gestures or mind or immortal soul.  Mr. Pond, with all
his old-fashioned prejudices, knew at once that in this other girl
the new virtues were virtues, whether or not they were new.  She
really was brave and generous and fond of the truth, though the
Society papers did say so.  "She's all right," said Mr. Pond to
himself.  "She's as good as gold.  A great deal better than gold.
And oh, how much better than platinum!"

Stopping at the next stage of his pilgrimage, he visited the
monstrous and ludicrous large hotel which had the honour of housing
Miss Artemis Asa-Smith of Pennsylvania.  She received him with the
rather overwhelming enthusiasm which bore her everywhere through
the world; and Mr. Pond had very little difficulty in her case in
extracting an admission that even a man who goes to a club may
happen not to be a murderer.  Though this explanation was naturally
less personal and intimate than his interview with Joan (about
which he always refused to say a word to anybody), the ardent
Artemis continued to earn his approval by her reserves of good
sense and good nature.  She saw the point about the order of the
topics mentioned, and its probable effect on her own mind; and so
far the diplomacy of Mr. Pond had been successful.  All the three
ladies, with whatever degrees of seriousness or concentration, had
listened to his theory of what Gahagan had said; and had all agreed
that he might very probably have said it.  This part of his task
being done, Mr. Pond paused a little, and perhaps rather pulled
himself together, before approaching his last duty--which also took
the form of calling on a lady.  He might be excused; for it also
involved passing through that grim garden where a man had lain
murdered, to that high and sinister house where his widow was still
living alone: the great Olivia, queen of tragedy, now tragic by a
double claim.

He stepped, not without repugnance, across that dark corner inside
the gate and under the holly tree where poor Fred Feversham had
been spiked to the earth by a mere splinter of a sword; and as he
climbed the crooked path to the doorway in the narrow and bare
brick house that stood above him like a tower, dark against the
stars, he revolved difficulties much deeper than had yet troubled
him in the more trifling matter of the supposed inconsistencies of
Gahagan's conversation.  There was a real question behind all that
nonsense; and it demanded an answer.  Somebody had murdered the
unfortunate Frederick Feversham; and there were some real reasons
for directing the suspicion upon Gahagan.  After all, he had been
in the habit of spending whole days, or half of the nights as well,
with this actress; nothing seemed more horribly natural, more
repulsively probable, than that they had been surprised by
Feversham and had taken the bloody way out.  Mrs. Feversham had
often been compared to Mrs. Siddons.  Her own external behaviour
had always been full of dignity and discretion.  A scandal for her
was not an advertisement, as it would be for Violet Varney.  She
had really the stronger motive of the two . . . but, good God, this
would never do!  Suppose Gahagan really was innocent--but at that
price!  Whatever his weaknesses, he was just the man to be hanged
like a gentleman rather than let The Lady--He looked up with
growing terror at the tower of dark brick, wondering if he were to
meet the murderess. . . .  Then he furiously flung off the
morbidity, and tried again to fix himself on the facts.  After all,
what was there against Gahagan or the widow?  It seemed to him, as
he forced himself to colder considerations, that it really resolved
itself into a matter of time.

Gahagan had certainly spent a huge amount of TIME with Olivia; that
was really the only external proof of his passion for her.  The
proofs of his passion for Joan were very external indeed.  Pond
could have sworn that the Irishman was really in love with Joan.
He threw himself at her head; and she, on the accepted standards of
modern youth, threw herself back at him.  But these encounters, one
might say collisions, were as brief as they were brilliant.  Why
did a lover full of such triumphs want to go off and spend such a
lot of TIME with a much older woman? . . .  These broodings had
turned him into an automaton and brought him unconsciously past the
servants and up the stairs and into the very room where he was
asked to wait for Mrs. Feversham.  He nervously picked up an old
battered book, apparently dating from the time when the actress was
a schoolgirl, for the flyleaf showed in a very schoolgirl hand:
"Olivia Malone."  Perhaps the great Shakespearian actress claimed
descent from the great Shakespearian critic.  But, anyhow, she must
be Irish--at least by tradition. . . .

As he bent over the shabby book in the dusky anteroom, there shot
into his mind a white ray of serene and complete understanding: so
far as this tale goes, the last of the paradoxes of Mr. Pond.  He
felt full and complete certainty; and yet the only words to express
it wrote themselves rapidly across his brain with the bewildering
brevity of a hieroglyphic.

"Love never needs time.  But Friendship always needs time.  More
and more and more time, up to long past midnight."

When Gahagan had done those crazy things that blazoned his devotion
to Joan Varney, they had hardly occupied any time.  When he fell on
her from a parachute as she came out of church at Bournemouth, the
fall was naturally very rapid.  When he tore up a return ticket
costing hundreds of pounds to stay with her half an hour longer in
Samoa, it was only half an hour longer.  When he swam the
Hellespont in imitation of Leander, it was only for exactly thirty-
five minutes' conversation with Hero.  But Love is like that.  It
is a thing of great moments; and it lives on the memory of moments.
Perhaps it is a fragile illusion; perhaps, on the other hand, it is
eternal and beyond time.  But Friendship eats up time.  If poor
Gahagan had a real intellectual friendship, then he would go on
talking till long past midnight.  And with whom would Gahagan be so
likely to have one as with an Irish actress who was chiefly
interested in Shakespeare?  Even as he had the thought, he heard
the rich and faintly Irish voice of Olivia welcoming him; and he
knew he was right.

"Don't you know," asked the widow with a mournful smile, when he
had tactfully steered the conversation past condolences to Captain
Gahagan, "don't you know we poor Irishes have a secret vice?  It's
called Poetry; or perhaps I ought to say it's generally called
Recitation.  It's been suppressed by the police in all the English
salons; and that's the worst of the Irish wrongs.  People in London
are not allowed to recite poems to each other all night, as they do
in Dublin.  Poor Peter used to come to me and talk Shakespeare till
morning; but I had to turn him out at last.  When a man calls on
ME, and tries to recite the whole of Romeo and Juliet, it gets past
a joke.  But you see how it was.  The English won't allow the poor
fellow to recite Shakespeare."

Mr. Pond did indeed see how it was.  He knew enough about men to
know that a man must have a friend, if possible a female friend, to
talk to till all is blue.  He knew enough about Dubliners to know
that neither devils nor dynamite will stop them from reciting
verse.  All the black clouds of morbid brooding on the murder which
had oppressed him in the garden had rolled away at the first sound
of this strong, good-humoured Irishwoman's voice.  But after a
little while they began to gather again, though more remotely.
After all, as he had said before, SOMEBODY had killed poor Fred
Feversham.

He was quite certain now that it was not Feversham's wife.  He was
practically certain it was not Gahagan.  He went home that night
turning the question over and over; but he had only one night's
unrest.  For the next day's paper contained the news of the
unexplained suicide of Mr. Luke, of the well-known firm of Masters,
Luke and Masters; and Mr. Pond sat gently chiding himself, because
he had not thought of the obvious fact that a man who is always
tearing and rending people because he has been swindled, may
possibly discover one day that he has been swindled by his own
solicitor.  Feversham had summoned Luke to that midnight meeting in
the garden, in order to tell him so; but Mr. Luke, a man careful of
his professional standing, had taken very prompt steps to prevent
Mr. Feversham telling anybody else.

"It makes me feel very bad," said Mr. Pond, meekly and almost
tremulously.  "At that last meeting of ours I could see he was
awfully frightened already; and, do you know, I'm very much afraid
that it was I who frightened him."



WHEN DOCTORS AGREE


Mr. Pond's paradoxes were of a very peculiar kind.  They were indeed
paradoxical defiances even of the law of paradox.  Paradox has been
defined as "Truth standing on her head to attract attention."
Paradox has been defended; on the ground that so many fashionable
fallacies still stand firmly on their feet, because they have no
heads to stand on.  But it must be admitted that writers, like
other mendicants and mountebanks, frequently do try to attract
attention.  They set out conspicuously, in a single line in a play,
or at the head or tail of a paragraph, remarks of this challenging
kind; as when Mr. Bernard Shaw wrote:  "The Golden Rule is that
there is no Golden Rule"; or Oscar Wilde observed:  "I can resist
everything except temptation"; or a duller scribe (not to be named
with these and now doing penance for his earlier vices in the
nobler toil of celebrating the virtues of Mr. Pond) said in defence
of hobbies and amateurs and general duffers like himself:  "If a
thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly."  To these things do
writers sink; and then the critics tell them that they "talk for
effect"; and then the writers answer:  "What the devil else should
we talk for?  Ineffectualness?"  It is a sordid scene.

But Mr. Pond belonged to a more polite world and his paradoxes were
quite different.  It was quite impossible to imagine Mr. Pond
standing on his head.  But it was quite as easy to imagine him
standing on his head as to imagine him trying to attract attention.
He was the quietest man in the world to be a man of the world; he
was a small, neat Civil Servant; with nothing notable about him
except a beard that looked not only old-fashioned but vaguely
foreign, and perhaps a little French, though he was as English as
any man alive.  But, for that matter, French respectability is far
more respectable than English; and Mr. Pond, though in some ways
cosmopolitan, was completely respectable.  Another thing that was
faintly French about him was the level ripple of his speech: a
tripping monotone that never tripped over a single vowel.  For the
French carry their sense of equality even to the equality of
syllables.  With this equable flow, full of genteel gossip on
Vienna, he was once entertaining a lady; and five minutes later she
rejoined her friends with a very white face; and whispered to them
the shocking secret that the mild little man was mad.

The peculiarity of his conversation was this: in the middle of a
steady stream of sense, there would suddenly appear two or three
words which seemed simply to be nonsense.  It was as if something
had suddenly gone wrong with the works of a gramophone.  It was
nonsense which the speaker never seemed to notice himself; so that
sometimes his hearers also hardly noticed that speech so natural
was nonsensical.  But to those who did notice, he seemed to be
saying something like, "Naturally, having no legs, he won the
walking-race easily," or "As there was nothing to drink, they all
got tipsy at once."  Broadly speaking, two kinds of people stopped
him with stares or questions: the very stupid and the very clever.
The stupid because the absurdity alone stuck out from a level of
intelligence that baffled them; it was indeed in itself an example
of the truth in paradox.  The only part of his conversation they
could understand was the part they could not understand.  And the
clever stopped him because they knew that, behind each of these
queer compact contradictions, there was a very queer story--like
the queer story to be narrated here.

His friend Gahagan, that ginger-haired giant and somewhat flippant
Irish dandy, declared that Pond put in these senseless phrases
merely to find out whether his listeners were listening.  Pond
never said so; and his motive remained rather a mystery.  But
Gahagan declared that there is a whole tribe of modern intellectual
ladies, who have learned nothing except the art of turning on a
talker a face of ardour and attention, while their minds are so
very absent that some little phrase like, "Finding himself in
India, he naturally visited Toronto," will pass harmlessly in at
one ear and out at the other, without disturbing the cultured mind
within.

It was at a little dinner given by old Wotton to Gahagan and Pond
and others, that we first got a glimpse of the real meaning of
these wild parentheses of so tame a talker.  The truth was, to
begin with, that Mr. Pond, in spite of his French beard, was very
English in his habit of assuming that he ought to be a little dull,
in deference to other people.  He disliked telling long and largely
fantastic stories about himself, such as his friend Gahagan told,
though Pond thoroughly enjoyed them when Gahagan told them.  Pond
himself had had some very curious experiences; but, as he would not
turn them into long stories, they appeared only as short stories;
and the short stories were so very short as to be quite
unintelligible.  In trying to explain the eccentricity, it is best
to begin with the simplest example, like a diagram in a primer of
logic.  And I will begin with the short story, which was concealed
in the shorter phrase, which puzzled poor old Wotton so completely
on that particular evening.  Wotton was an old-fashioned
diplomatist, of the sort that seemed to grow more national by
trying to be international.  Though far from militarist, he was
very military.  He kept the peace by staccato sentences under a
stiff grey moustache.  He had more chin than forehead.

"They tell me," Wotton was saying, "that the Poles and Lithuanians
have come to an agreement about Wilno.  It was an old row, of
course; and I expect it was six to one and half a dozen to the
other."

"You are a real Englishman, Wotton," said Gahagan, "and you say in
your heart, 'All these foreigners are alike.'  You're right enough
if you mean that we're all unlike you.  The English are the
lunatics of the earth, who know that everybody else is mad.  But we
do sometimes differ a little from each other, you know.  Even we in
Ireland have been known to differ from each other.  But you see the
Pope denouncing the Bolshevists, or the French Revolution rending
the Holy Roman Empire, and you still say in your hearts, 'What can
the difference be betwixt Tweedledum and Tweedledee?'"

"There was no difference," said Pond, "between Tweedledum and
Tweedledee.  You will remember that it is distinctly recorded that
they agreed.  But remember what they agreed about."

Wotton looked a little baffled and finally grunted:  "Well, if
these fellows have agreed, I suppose there will be a little peace."

"Funny things, agreements," said Pond.  "Fortunately people
generally go on disagreeing, till they die peacefully in their
beds.  Men very seldom do fully and finally agree.  I did know two
men who came to agree so completely that one of them naturally
murdered the other; but as a rule . . ."

"'Agreed so completely,'" said Wotton thoughtfully.  "Don't you--
are you quite sure you don't mean:  'Disagreed so completely'?"

Gahagan uttered a sort of low whoop of laughter.  "Oh, no," he
said, "he doesn't mean that.  I don't know what the devil he does
mean; but he doesn't mean anything so sensible as that."

But Wotton, in his ponderous way, still attempted to pin down the
narrator to a more responsible statement; and the upshot of it was
that Mr. Pond was reluctantly induced to explain what he really
meant and let us hear the whole story.

The mystery was involved at first in another mystery: the strange
murder of Mr. James Haggis, of Glasgow, which filled the Scottish
and English newspapers not many years ago.  On the face of it, the
thing was a curious story; to introduce a yet more curious sequel.
Haggis had been a prominent and wealthy citizen, a bailie of the
city and an elder of the kirk.  Nobody denied that even in these
capacities he had sometimes been rather unpopular; but, to do him
justice, he had often been unpopular through his loyalty to
unpopular causes.  He was the sort of old Radical who is more rigid
and antiquated than any Tory; and, maintaining in theory the cause
of Retrenchment and Reform, he managed to suggest that almost any
Reform was too expensive for the needs of Retrenchment.  Thus he
had stood alone in opposition to the universal support given to old
Dr. Campbell's admirable campaign for fighting the epidemic in the
slums during the slump.  But to deduce from his economics that he
was a demon delighting in the sight of poor children dying of
typhoid was perhaps an exaggerated inference.  Similarly, he was
prominent in the Presbyterian councils as refusing all modern
compromise with the logic of Calvinism; but to infer that he
actually hoped all his neighbours were damned before they were born
is too personal an interpretation of theological theory.

On the other side, he was admittedly honest in business and
faithful to his wife and family; so that there was a general
reaction in favour of his memory when he was found stabbed to the
heart in the meagre grass of the grim little churchyard that
adjoined his favourite place of worship.  It was impossible to
imagine Mr. Haggis as involved in any romantic Highland feud
calling for the dirk, or any romantic assignation interrupted with
the stiletto; and it was generally felt that to be knifed and left
unburied among the buried dead was an exaggerated penalty for being
a rather narrow Scottish merchant of the old school.

It happened that Mr. Pond himself had been present at a little
party where there was high debate about the murder as a mystery.
His host, Lord Glenorchy, had a hobby of reading books on
criminology; his hostess, Lady Glenorchy, had the less harmful
hobby of reading those much more solid and scientific books which
are called detective stories.  There were present, as the society
papers say, Major MacNabb, the Chief Constable, and Mr. Lancelot
Browne, a brilliant London barrister who found it much more of a
bore to be a lawyer than to pretend to be a detective; also, among
those present, was the venerable and venerated Dr. Campbell, whose
work among the poor has already been inadequately commended, and a
young friend of his named Angus, whom he was understood to be
coaching and instructing generally for his medical examinations and
his scientific career.

Responsible people naturally love to be irresponsible.  All these
persons delighted to throw theories about in private which they
need not answer for in public.  The barrister, being a humane man,
was delighted to prosecute somebody whom he would not have to hang.
The criminologist was enchanted to analyse the lunacy of somebody
he could never have proved to be a lunatic.  And Lady Glenorchy was
charmed at the chance of considering poor Mr. Haggis (of all
people) as the principal character in a shocker.  Hilarious
attempts were made to fix the crime on the United Presbyterian
minister, a notorious Sublapsarian, naturally, nay inevitably,
impelled to stick a dirk in a Supralapsarian.  Lord Glenorchy was
more serious, not to say monotonous.  Having learnt from his books
of criminology the one great discovery of that science, that mental
and moral deformity are found only among poor people, he suspected
a plot of local Communists (all with the wrong-shaped thumb and
ear) and picked for his fancy a Socialist agitator of the city.
Mr. Angus made bold to differ; his choice was an old lag, or
professional criminal, known to be in the place, who had been
almost everything that is alarming except a Socialist agitator.
Then it was that the point was referred, not without a certain
reverence, to the white-haired and wise old physician, who had now
behind him a whole lifetime of charity and good works.  One of the
many ways in which Dr. Campbell seemed to have emerged from an
elder and perhaps honester world was the fact that he not only
spoke with a Scottish accent but he spoke Scottish.  His speech
will, therefore, be rendered here with difficulty and in doubt and
trembling.

"Weel, ye will a' be asking wha dirked Jamie Haggis?  And I'll tell
ye fair at the start that I winna gie a bawbee to ken wha dirked
Jamie Haggis.  Gin I kent, I wadna' say.  It's a sair thing, na
doot, that the freens and benefactors o' puir humanity should no be
named and fitly celebrated; but like the masons that built our
gran' cathedral and the gran' poets that wrote our ballads of
Otterburn and Sir Patrick Spens, the man that achieved the virtuous
act o' killing Jamie Haggis will ha'e nae pairsonal credit for't in
this world; it is even possible he might be a wee bit inconvenienced.
So ye'll get nae guesses out of me; beyond saying I've lang been
seekin' a man of sic prudence and public spirit."

There followed that sort of silence in which people are not certain
whether to laugh, at a deliberate stroke of wit; but before they
could do so, young Angus, who kept his eyes fixed on his venerable
preceptor, had spoken with the eagerness of the ardent student.

"But you'll not say, Dr. Campbell, that murder is right because
some acts or opinions of the murdered man are wrong?"

"Aye, if they're wrang enough," replied the benevolent Dr. Campbell
blandly.  "After all, we've nae ither test o' richt and wrang.
Salus populi suprema lex."

"Aren't the Ten Commandments a bit of a test?" asked the young man,
with a rather heated countenance, emphasized by his red hair, that
stood up on his head like stiff flames.

The silver-haired saint of sociology continued to regard him with a
wholly benevolent smile; but there was an odd gleam in his eye as
he answered:

"Aye, the Ten Commandments are a test.  What we doctors are
beginning to ca' an Intelligence Test."

Whether it was an accident, or whether the intuitions of Lady
Glenorchy were a little alarmed by the seriousness of the subject,
it was at this point that she struck in.

"Well, if Dr. Campbell won't pronounce for us, I suppose we must
all stick to our own suspicions.  I don't know whether you like
cigarettes in the middle of dinner; it's a fashion I can't get used
to myself."

At this point in his narrative, Mr. Pond threw himself back in his
chair with a more impatient movement than he commonly permitted
himself.

"Of course, they will do it," he said, with a mild explosiveness.
"They're admired and thought very tactful when they do it."

"When who do what?" said Wotton.  "What on earth are you talking
about now?"

"I'm talking about hostesses," said Pond, with an air of pain.
"Good hostesses.  Really successful hostesses.  They will cut into
conversation, on the theory that it can be broken off anywhere.
Just as it's quite the definition of a good hostess to make two
people talk when they hate it, and part them when they are
beginning to like it.  But they sometimes do the most deadly and
awful damage.  You see, they stop conversations that are not worth
starting again.  And that's horrible, like murder."

"But if the conversation's not worth starting again, why is it
horrible to stop it?" asked the conscientious Wotton, still
laboriously in pursuit.

"Why, THAT'S why it's horrible to stop it," answered Pond, almost
snappishly for so polite a person.  "Talk ought to be sacred
because it is so light, so tenuous, so trivial, if you will;
anyhow, so frail and easy to destroy.  Cutting short its life is
worse than murder; it's infanticide.  It's like killing a baby
that's trying to come to life.  It can never be restored to life,
though one rose from the dead.  A good light conversation can never
be put together again when it's broken to pieces; because you can't
get all the pieces.  I remember a splendid talk at Trefusis's
place, that began because there was a crack of thunder over the
house and a cat howled in the garden, and somebody made a rather
crude joke about a catastrophe.  And then Gahagan here had a
perfectly lovely theory that sprang straight out of cats and
catastrophes and everything, and would have started a splendid talk
about a political question on the Continent."

"The Catalonian question, I suppose," said Gahagan, laughing, "but
I fear I've quite forgotten my lovely theory."

"That's just what I say," said Pond, gloomily.  "It could only have
been started then; it ought to have been sacred because it wasn't
worth starting again.  The hostess swept it all out of our heads,
and then had the cheek to say afterwards that we could talk about
it some other time.  Could we?  Could we make a contract with a
cloud to break just over the roof, and tie a cat up in the garden
and pull its tail at the right moment, and give Gahagan just enough
champagne to inspire him with a theory so silly that he's forgotten
it already?  It was then or never with that debate being started;
and yet bad results enough followed from it being stopped.  But
that, as they say, is another story."

"You must tell it to us another time," said Gahagan.  "At present I
am still curious about the man who murdered another man because he
agreed with him."

"Yes," assented Wotton, "we've rather strayed from the subject,
haven't we?"

"So Mrs. Trefusis said," murmured Mr. Pond sadly.  "I suppose we
can't all feel the sanctity of really futile conversation.  But if
you're really interested in the other matter, I don't mind telling
you all about it; though I'd rather not tell you exactly how I came
to know all about it.  That was rather a confidential matter--what
they call a confession.  Pardon my little interlude on the tactful
hostess; it had something to do with what followed and I have a
reason for mentioning it.

"Lady Glenorchy quite calmly changed the subject from murder to
cigarettes; and everybody's first feeling was that we had been done
out of a very entertaining little tiff about the Ten Commandments.
A mere trifle, too light and airy to recur to our minds at any
other time.  But there was another trifle that did recur to my own
mind afterwards; and kept my attention on a murder of which I might
have thought little enough at the time, as De Quincey says.  I
remembered once looking up Glenorchy in Who's Who, and seeing that
he had married the daughter of a very wealthy squire near Lowestoft
in Suffolk."

"Lowestoft, Suffolk.  These are dark hints," said Gahagan.  "Do
these in themselves point to some awful and suspicious fact?"

"They point," said Pond, "to the awful fact that Lady Glenorchy is
not Scottish.  If she had introduced the cigarettes at her father's
dinner-table in Suffolk, such trifles as the Ten Commandments would
instantly have been tossed away from everyone's mind and memory.
But I knew I was in Scotland and that the story had only just
begun.  I have told you that old Campbell was tutoring or coaching
young Angus for his medical degree.  It was a great honour for a
lad like Angus to have Campbell for a coach; but it must have been
quite agreeable even to an authority like Campbell to have Angus
for a pupil.  For he had always been a most industrious and
ambitious and intelligent pupil, and one likely to do the old man
credit; and after the time I speak of, he seemed to grow more
industrious and ambitious than ever.  In fact, he shut himself up
so exclusively with his coach that he failed in his examination.
That was what first convinced me that my guess was right."

"And very lucid, too," said Gahagan with a grin.  "He worked so
hard with his coach that he failed in his examination.  Another
statement that might seem to some to require expansion."

"It's very simple, really," said Mr. Pond innocently.  "But in
order to expand it, we must go back for a moment to the mystery of
Mr. Haggis's murder.  It had already spread a sort of detective
fever in the neighbourhood; for all the Scots love arguing and it
really was rather a fascinating riddle.  One great point in the
mystery was the wound, which seemed at first to have been made by a
dirk or dagger of some kind but was afterwards found by the experts
to demand a different instrument of rather peculiar shape.
Moreover, the district had been combed for knives and daggers; and
temporary suspicion fixed on any wild youths from beyond the
Highland line, who might retain an historic tenderness for the
possession of dirks.  All the medical authorities agreed that the
instrument had been something more subtle than a dirk, though no
medical authorities would consent even to guess what it was.
People were perpetually ransacking the churchyard and the church in
search of clues.  And just about this time young Angus, who had
been a strict supporter of this particular church, and had even
once induced his old tutor and friend to sit under its minister for
one evening service, suddenly left off going there; indeed, he left
off going to any church at all.  So I realized that I was still on
the right track."

"Oh," said Wotton blankly, "so you realized that you were still on
the right track."

"I fear I did not realize that you were on any track," said
Gahagan.  "To speak with candour, my dear Pond, I should say that
of all the trackless and aimless and rambling human statements I
have ever heard, the most rambling was the narrative we have just
been privileged to hear from you.  First you tell us that two
Scotsmen began a conversation about the morality of murder and
never finished it; then you go off on a tirade against society
hostesses; then you reveal the horrid fact that one of them came
from Lowestoft; then you go back to one of the Scotsmen and say he
failed to pass his examination because he worked so hard with his
tutor; then, pausing for a moment upon the peculiar shape of an
undiscovered dagger, you tell us that the Scotsman has left off
going to church and you are on the right track.  Frankly, if you
really do find something sacred about futile conversation, I should
say that you were on the track of that all right."

"I know," said Mr. Pond patiently, "all I've said is quite relevant
to what really happened; but, of course, you don't know what really
happened.  A story always does seem rambling and futile if you
leave out what really happened.  That's why newspapers are so dull.
All the political news, and much of the polite news (though rather
higher in tone than the other), is made quite bewildering and
pointless by the necessity of telling stories without telling the
story."

"Well, then," said Gahagan, "let us try to get some sense out of
all this nonsense, which has not even the excuses of newspaper
nonsense.  To take one of your nonsense remarks as a test, why do
you say that Angus failed to pass because he worked so much with
his coach?"

"Because he didn't work with his coach," replied Pond.  "Because I
didn't say he worked with his coach.  At least I didn't say he
worked for the examination.  I said he was with his coach.  I said
he spent days and nights with his coach; but they weren't preparing
for any examination."

"Well, what were they doing?" asked Wotton gruffly.

"They were going on with the argument," cried Pond, in a squeak
that was almost shrill.  "They hardly stopped to sleep or eat; but
they went on with the argument; the argument interrupted at the
dinner-table.  Have you never known any Scotsmen?  Do you suppose
that a woman from Suffolk with a handful of cigarettes, and a
mouthful of irrelevance, can stop two Scotsmen from going on with
an argument when they've started it?  They began it again when they
were getting their hats and coats; they were at it hammer and tongs
as they went out of the gate, and only a Scottish poet can describe
what they did then:


     And the tane went hame with the ither; and then,
     The tither went hame with the ither again.


"And for hours and weeks and months they never turned aside from
the same interminable debate on the thesis first propounded by Dr.
Campbell: that when a good man is well and truly convinced that a
bad man is actively bad for the community, and is doing evil on a
large scale which cannot be checked by law or any other action, the
good man has a moral right to murder the bad man, and thereby only
increases his own goodness."

Pond paused a moment, pulling his beard and staring at the table;
then he began again:

"For reasons I've already mentioned but not explained--"

"That's what's the matter with you, my boy," said Gahagan genially.
"There are always such a damned lot of things you have mentioned
but not explained."

"For those reasons," went on Pond deliberately, "I happen to know a
great deal about the stages of that stubborn and forcible
controversy, about which nobody else knew anything at all.  For
Angus was a genuine truth-seeker who wished to satisfy his soul and
not merely to make his name; and Campbell was enough of a great man
to be quite as anxious to convince a pupil as to convince a crowd
in a lecture-room.  But I am not going to tell you about those
stages of the controversy at any great length.  To tell the truth,
I am not what people call impartial on this controversy.  How any
man can form any conviction, and remain what they call impartial on
any controversy, is more than I have ever understood.  But I
suppose they would say I couldn't describe the debate fairly;
because the side I sympathize with was not the side that won.

"Society hostesses, especially when they come from near Lowestoft,
do not know where an argument is tending.  They will drop not only
bricks but bombshells; and then expect them not to explode.
Anyhow, I knew where that argument at Glenorchy's table was
tending.  When Angus made a test of the Ten Commandments, and
Campbell said they were an Intelligence Test, I knew what would
come next.  In another minute, he would be saying that nobody of
intelligence now troubles about the Ten Commandments.

"What a disguise there is in snowy hair and the paternal stoop of
age!  Dickens somewhere describes a patriarch who needed no virtue
except his white hair.  As Dr. Campbell smiled across the table at
Angus, most people saw nothing in that smile but patriarchal and
parental kindness.  But I happened to see also a glint in the eye,
which told me that the old man was quite as much of a fighter as
the red-haired boy who had rashly challenged him.  In some odd way,
indeed, I seemed suddenly to see old age itself as a masquerade.
The white hair had turned into a white wig, the powder of the
eighteenth century; and the smiling face underneath it was the face
of Voltaire.

"Dr. Andrew Glenlyon Campbell was a real philanthropist; so was
Voltaire.  It is not always certain whether philanthropy means a
love of men, or of man, or of mankind.  There is a difference.  I
think he cared less about the individual than about the public or
the race; hence doubtless his gentle eccentricity of defending an
act of private execution.  But anyhow, I knew he was one of the
grim line of Scottish sceptics, from Hume down to Ross or
Robertson.  And, whatever else they are, they are stubborn and
stick to their point.  Angus also was stubborn, and as I have
already said, he was a devout worshipper in the same dingy kirk as
the late James Haggis; that is, one of the extreme irreconcilable
sectaries of the seventeenth-century Puritanism.  And so the
Scottish atheist and the Scottish Calvinist argued and argued and
argued, until milder races might have expected them to drop down
dead with fatigue.  But it was not of disagreement that either of
them died.

"But the advantage was with the older and more learned man in his
attack; and you must remember that the younger man had only a
rather narrow and provincial version of the creed to defend.  As I
say, I will not bore you with the arguments; I confess they rather
bore me.  Doubtless Dr. Campbell said that the Ten Commandments
could not be of divine origin, because two of them are mentioned by
the virtuous Emperor Foo Chi, in the Second Dynasty; or one of them
is paraphrased by Synesius of Samothrace and attributed to the lost
code of Lycurgus."

"Who was Synesius of Samothrace?" inquired Gahagan, with an
appearance of sudden and eager curiosity.

"He was a mythical character of the Minoan Age first discovered in
the twentieth century A.D.," replied the unruffled Pond.  "I made
him up just now; but you know the sort of thing I mean--the
mythical nature of Mount Sinai proved from the parallel myth that
the ark rested on Mount Ararat, and the mountain that would not
come to Mahomet.  But all this textual criticism really affects a
religion only founded on texts.  I knew how the fight was going;
and I knew when it ended.  I knew when Robert Angus left off going
to kirk on the Sabbath."

The end of the debate may best be described more directly; for,
indeed, Mr. Pond described it himself with a strange sort of
directness; almost as if he had unaccountably been present, or had
seen it in a vision.  Anyhow, it appears that the operating-theatre
of the medical schools was the scene of the final phase of
disagreement and agreement.  They had gone back there very late at
night, when the schools were closed and the theatre deserted,
because Angus fancied he had left some of his instruments there,
which it would be more neat and proper to lock up.  There was no
sound in that hollow place but the echo of their own footsteps, and
very little light save a faint moonshine that trickled through the
cracks between the curtained windows.  Angus had retrieved his
operating-tool, and was turning again towards the steep stairs that
climbed through the semi-circular rows of seats, when Campbell said
to him casually.

"Ye'll find the facts I mentioned aboot the Aztec hymns in the--"

Angus tossed the tool on the table like a man throwing down his
sword, and turned on his companion with a new and transfigured air
of candour and finality.

"You needn't trouble about hymns any more; I may as well tell you
that I've done with them, for one.  You're too strong for me--or,
rather, the truth is too strong for me.  I've defended my own
nursery nightmare as long as I could; but you've woken me up at
last.  You are right, you must be right; I don't see any way out of
it."

After a silence, Campbell answered very softly:  "I'll no mak'
apologies for fighting for the truth; but, man, ye made a real
bonny fight for the falsehood."

It might well have seemed that the old blasphemer had never spoken
on the topic in a tone so delicate and respectful; and it seemed
strange that his new convert did not respond to the appeal.
Looking up, Campbell saw that his new convert's attention had been
abruptly abstracted; he was standing staring at the implement in
his hand: a surgical knife made upon an odd pattern for special
purposes.  At last he said in a hoarse and almost inaudible voice:

"A knife of an unusual shape."

"See report o' inquest on Jamie Haggis," said the old man, nodding
benevolently.  "Aye, ye've guessed richt, I'm thinking."  Then,
after a pause, he added, with equal calm:

"Noo that we are agreed, and a' of one mind, aboot the need for sic
social surgery, it's as weel ye should know the hale truth.  Aye,
lad, I did it mysel'; and with a blade like yon.  That nicht ye
took me to the kirk--weel, it's the fairst time, I hope, I've ever
been hypocreetical; but I stayed behind to pray, and I think ye had
hopes of my convairsion.  But I prayed because Jamie prayed; and
when he rose from his prayers, I followed him and killed him i' the
kirkyard."

Angus was still looking at the knife in silence; then he said
suddenly:  "Why did you kill him?"

"Ye needna ask, noo we are agreed in moral philosophy," replied the
old doctor simply.  "It was just plain surgery.  As we sacrifice a
finger to save the body, so we maun sacrifice a man to save the
body politic.  I killed him because he was doing evil, and
inhumanly preventing what was guid for humanity: the scheme for the
slums and the lave.  And I understand that, upon reflection, ye tak
the same view."

Angus nodded grimly.

The proverb asks:  "Who shall decide when doctors disagree?"  But
in that dark and ominous theatre of doctoring the doctors agreed.

"Yes," said Angus, "I take the same view.  Also, I have had the
same experience."

"And what's that?" inquired the other.

"I have had daily dealings with a man I thought was doing nothing
but evil," answered Angus.  "I still think you were doing evil;
even though you were serving truth.  You have convinced me that my
beliefs were dreams; but not that dreaming is worse than waking up.
You brutally broke the dreams of the humble, sneered at the weak
hopes of the bereaved.  You seem cruel and inhuman to me, just as
Haggis seemed cruel and inhuman to you.  You are a good man by your
own code, but so was Haggis a good man by his code.  He did not
pretend to believe in salvation by good works, any more than you
pretended to believe in the Ten Commandments.  He was good to
individuals, but the crowd suffered; you are good to the crowd and
an individual suffered.  But, after all, you also are only an
individual."

Something in the last words, that were said very softly, made the
old doctor stiffen suddenly and then start backwards towards the
steps behind.  Angus sprang like a wildcat and pinned him to his
place with a choking violence; still talking, but now at the top of
his voice.

"Day after day, I have itched and tingled to kill you; and been
held back only by the superstition you have destroyed tonight.  Day
after day, you have been battering down the scruples which alone
defended you from death.  You wise thinker; you wary reasoner; you
fool!  It would be better for you to-night if I still believed in
God and in his Commandment against murder."

The old man twisted speechlessly in the throttling grip, but he was
too feeble, and Angus flung him with a crash across the operating-
table, where he lay as if fainting.  Round them and above them the
empty tiers of concentric seats glimmered in the faint and frigid
moonlight as desolate as the Colosseum under the moon; a deserted
amphitheatre where there was no human voice to cry "Habet!"  The
red-haired slayer stood with the knife uplifted, as strange in
shape as the flint knife of some prehistoric sacrifice; and still
he talked on in the high tones of madness.

"One thing alone protected you and kept the peace between us: that
we disagreed.  Now we agree, now we are at one in thought--and
deed, I can do as you would do.  I can do as you have done.  We are
at peace."

And with the sound of that word he struck; and Andrew Campbell
moved for the last time.  In his own cold temple, upon his own
godless altar . . . he stirred and then lay still; and the murderer
bent and fled from the building and from the city and across the
Highland line at night, to hide himself in the hills.



When Pond had told this story, Gahagan rose slowly to his gigantic
height and knocked out his cigar in an ashtray:  "I darkly suspect,
Pond," he said, "that you are not quite so irrelevant as you sound.
Not quite irrelevant, I mean, even to our opening talk about
European affairs."

"Tweedledum and Tweedledee agreed--to have a battle," said Pond.
"We are rather easily satisfied with saying that some people like
Poles or Prussians or other foreigners have agreed.  We don't often
ask what they've agreed on.  But agreement can be rather risky,
unless it's agreement with the truth."

Wotton looked at him with a smouldering suspicion; but finally
decided, with a sigh of relief, that it was only metaphysics.




POND THE PANTALOON


"No, no, no," said Mr. Pond, with a gentle shrillness which he
occasionally showed, when any doubt was thrown on the prosaic
precision of his statements or arguments.  "I did not say it was a
red pencil, and that was why it made such black marks.  I said it
was relatively a red pencil, or resembled a red pencil, as compared
with Wotton's view in regarding it as a blue pencil; and THAT was
why it made such black marks.  The distinction may seem a small
one; but I assure you the most enormous errors arise out of this
habit of taking a remark out of its context, and then stating it
not quite correctly.  The most ordinary and obvious truths, when
reported in that way, may be made to sound almost absurd."

"Almost," said Captain Gahagan, nodding gravely and gazing at the
little man opposite him, rather as if he were a mysterious monster
in a tank.

Mr. Pond was in his private tank, or private office, in a hive of
Government offices, sitting at a desk and busy at the work of blue-
pencilling the proofs of some official report; whence had arisen
the talk about the colour of the pencil.  Pond, in short, was doing
his morning's work as usual; Peter Gahagan was doing nothing, also
as usual; his large figure lounged in a chair that looked too small
for him; he was attached to Mr. Pond and even more attached to
watching other people work.

"I may resemble Polonius," said Pond, modestly; and, indeed, his
old-fashioned beard, owlish expression and official courtliness
made the comparison almost apt.  "I may be like Polonius; but I am
not Polonius--which is just the point I wish to illustrate.  Hamlet
told Polonius that a cloud in the sky was like a camel.  The effect
would have been somewhat different if Hamlet had stated, seriously
and scientifically, that he had seen a camel in the sky.  In that
case, Polonius might have been pardoned in regarding the Prince's
madness as finally proved.  Touchy officials have been known to
express the view that you, my dear Gahagan, come into this office
like a buffalo, and there 'lie wallowing through the long summer
day,' as an outmoded poet puts it.  But if the authorities of the
Zoo sent for you on the ground that you actually WERE a buffalo,
the department would hardly move in the matter without further
inquiries."

"No doubt you have my dossier," said Gahagan, "with official
calculations and statistics about the number of my legs, not to
mention my horns; all annotated with blue and red pencil--and most
certainly with some very black marks against my name.  But that
brings me back to the original subject of my simple wonder.  You
hardly seem to have noticed what was really peculiar in your own
remark.  In any case, I do not quite understand what you mean by a
pencil being relatively red. . . ."

"Even that phrase might be defended," observed Mr. Pond, with a
faint smile.  "You would say, for instance, that my notes on this
proof are in blue pencil; and yet--"  He held out a pencil with its
red chalk point towards the other.  It looked like a mild conjuring
trick, until he twiddled it so as to show it was one of those
pencils sold by most stationers, with red at one end and blue at
the other.  "Now suppose I wear down the blue point till it has
nearly gone (and really the misprints they can put into a simple
report on Baluchistan Bimetallism are incredible), then you would
say the pencil was relatively red, though still perhaps rather
blue.  If the red end were worn away, you would say it was mostly
blue, though a little red."

"I should say nothing of the sort," exclaimed Gahagan with abrupt
impatience.  "I should say what I said before; that the queer thing
about you is that you are quite blind to what was really mad in
your statement.  You can't see the paradox in your own remark.  You
can't see the point of your own remark."

"The point of my remark," said Mr. Pond, with dignity, "which I
thought I had made sufficiently clear, was that people are very
inexact in reporting statements, as in cases like a camel and
'something like a camel.'"

Peter Gahagan continued to stare with round eyes at his friend,
like a buffalo in a very ruminant phase; and eventually heaved
himself up, collecting his grey top-hat and walking-stick with a
sort of clatter.

"No," he said, "I will not point out the point.  It would be
breaking a crystal or shattering a perfectly rounded soap-bubble.
To pierce the pure and spherical perfection of your maniacal calm
would be like invading the innocence of a child.  If you really and
truly do not know when you are talking nonsense, if you do not even
notice what part of it is nonsense, I feel I must leave your
nonsensical intellect intact.  I will go and talk it over with
Wotton.  As he has often breezily observed, there is no nonsense
about him."

And he sauntered out of the room, swinging his stick, in the
direction of the very important department presided over by Sir
Hubert Wotton; that he might enjoy the inspiriting spectacle of
another friend doing his day's work and being interrupted by an
idle man.

Sir Hubert Wotton, however, was of a type somewhat different from
Mr. Pond; in that, even if he was busy, he was never fussy.  Mr.
Pond was bent over the poised point of his blue pencil; Sir Hubert
was first visible behind the red end of a cigar, which he was
puffing, with a frown of reflection, as he turned over the papers
on his desk.  He recognized the entry of the beaming Captain with a
grim but not ungracious smile, and waved him to a seat.

Gahagan sat down with his hands crossed on his stick and thumped it
on the floor.

"Wotton," he said, "I've solved the problem of the Paradoxes of
Pond.  He doesn't know when he's said these crazy things.  There's
a blind spot on his excellent brain, or a cloud comes over his mind
for a moment; and he forgets that he's even said anything peculiar.
He goes on arguing about the reasonable part of his speech; he
never stops to explain the only thing that was really unreasonable.
He talked to me quite sensibly about a pencil that was bright red,
or something like it, and therefore marked very black on the paper.
I tried to nail him to that piece of inconsequence; and he
completely eluded me.  He went on talking about when a blue pencil
was not a blue pencil; but he somehow forgot all about the black
marks."

"Black marks!" said Wotton; and sat up so abruptly that he spilt
the ash of his cigar over his usually immaculate waistcoat.  He
dusted off the defilement with a frown; and then, after a pause,
spoke in the staccato fashion that occasionally revealed that he
was much less conventional than he looked.

"Most fellows who talk paradoxes are only trying to show off.  It's
not like that with Pond; he does it because he's trying NOT to show
off.  You see--he looks a very sedentary, scientific little cuss,
as if he'd never been unhooked from a desk or a typewriter; but
he's really had some very extraordinary experiences.  He doesn't
talk about them; he doesn't want to talk about them; but he does
want to talk about reason and philosophy and theoretical things in
books; you know he loves reading all the rational eighteenth-
century literature.  But when, in the course of talking in the
abstract, he comes on some concrete thing that he has actually DONE--
well, I can only say he crumples it up.  He tries to crush it into
a small space and it simply sounds contradictory.  Almost every one
of those crazy sentences simply stands for one of the adventures in
what would be called by most people a very unadventurous life."

"I think I see what you mean," said Gahagan, after a pause of
radiant reflection.  "Yes, you're right.  You can't expect me to be
taken in, mind you, by most of your swagger of stoicism in the
English public-school man.  Half the time they are simply showing
off by not showing off.  But in Pond it's genuine.  He really does
hate the limelight; in that way you may say he was made for the
Secret Service.  And you mean that he only becomes mysterious, in
this particular manner, when he really does want to keep the secret
of his services.  In other words, you mean there is a story behind
every paradox of Pond.  Certainly that is true--of all those cases
when I have been told the story."

"I know all about this story," said Wotton, "and it was one of the
most remarkable things that Pond ever did.  It was a matter of
immense importance--the sort of public affair that has to be kept a
very private affair.  Pond gave two pieces of advice, which some
thought very odd and which turned out exactly right; and he ended
by making a rather extraordinary discovery.  I don't know how he
came to mention it just now; but I'm pretty sure it was by
accident.  When it turned up, he tried to tuck it away again in a
hurry and change the subject.  But he certainly saved England; also
he nearly got killed."

"What!" exclaimed Gahagan with some astonishment.

"The fellow must have fired five times at him," said Wotton
reminiscently, "before he turned the sixth shot on himself."

"Well, I'm blowed," said the Captain elegantly.  "I always thought
Pond the most charming of tea-table comedies; I never knew he
figured in a melodrama.  I should as soon have thought of his
figuring in a fairy-pantomime.  But he seems somehow associated
with theatrical things at the moment.  He asked me himself if he
was like Polonius; and I suppose some malicious people would say he
was more like Pantaloon.  I like the notion of you and he magically
transplanted to a Christmas pantomime:  'Harlequin Hubert and the
Fairies' Pond,' all ending with a real Harlequinade, with red fire
and the Pantaloon falling over the Policeman.  Pardon my talking
nonsense--you know my unfortunate mind only becomes fertile about
impossible things."

"It's curious you should call it impossible," said Sir Hubert
Wotton, knitting his brows, "because that's almost exactly what
really happened to us."

Sir Hubert Wotton showed a certain reticence and deliberate
vagueness about the official details of the story; even in telling
it after so many years to an intimate friend.  In England
especially, there are enormous events which never get into the
newspapers, and are apparently intended never to get into the
history-books.  It may be enough to say here that there was at one
time under the surface, but very near to the surface, a conspiracy
aiming at a coup d'état, which was backed by a Continental Power of
similar leanings.  Gun-running, secret drilling and plans for
stealing State documents were involved; and it was feared that a
certain number of minor officials had been corrupted or converted
by the conspirators.  Hence, when it was a question of sending
certain very private official documents (about the nature of which
Wotton remained somewhat hazy to the end) from one of the great
northern ports to a particular Government department in London, the
first Council was a very small and select one, presided over by Sir
Hubert and held in the smaller office of Mr. Pond.  Indeed, Mr.
Pond was the official in charge of the job.  The only other person
permanently present was one of the first officials from Scotland
Yard; Wotton had brought his clerk with him to arrange and explain
certain matters; but had later made an excuse for sending the man
out on an errand.  Dyer, the detective from the Yard, a heavy-
shouldered, hard-headed person with a toothbrush moustache,
explained methodically, if a little mechanically, the precautions
and arrangements he would consider necessary for protecting the
transport of the papers to their destination.  He wanted an
armoured car with a machine-gun, a certain number of men carrying
concealed arms, a police search of everybody involved in first
dispatching and in finally receiving the box or parcel--and several
other conditions of the kind.

"Pond will think all this terribly expensive," said Wotton, with a
sad smile.  "Pond is quite the Old Liberal in the matter of economy
and retrenchment.  But he will agree that we are all bound to show
particular care in this case."

"N-no," said Mr. Pond, pursing his lips dubiously.  "I don't think
I should show any particular care in this case."

"Not show any particular care!" repeated the astonished Wotton.

"I certainly shouldn't SHOW it," said Mr. Pond.  "In such cases,
nobody of sense would take such particular precautions, any more
than anybody would send an important letter by registered post."

"Well, you must pardon my dullness," said Sir Hubert, "but, as a
matter of fact, I have heard of people sending an important letter
by registered post."

"It is done, I believe," said Mr. Pond, with distant disparagement.
"But that is when you are trying to prevent a letter being lost.
Just now you are trying to prevent a letter being found."

"That sounds rather interesting," said Dyer, with some restrained
amusement.

"Don't you see?  It's quite simple," answered Pond.  "If you want
to prevent a document from being dropped down a drain, or thrown
into a dustbin, or used to light the fire or to make a bird's nest,
or any other accident of neglect, then it is a good thing to draw
attention to it, by stamping or sealing or safeguarding it in some
particular way.  But if you want to prevent it from being tracked
and spotted and snatched out of your hands, by violence or
stratagem, then it's the worst thing in the world to mark it in a
particular way.  Registration, for instance, doesn't mean that your
messenger can't be knocked on the head or have his pocket picked.
It only means that your messenger or his department can be held
responsible; may have to apologize or compensate.  But you don't
want apologies or compensations; you want the letter.  I should say
it would be far safer from a watchful enemy, if it were unmarked
and sent along with a thousand others looking exactly the same."