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Title:      My Mortal Enemy (1926)
Author:     Willa Cather
eBook No.:  0500321.txt
Edition:    1
Language:   English
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Date first posted:          April 2005
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Title:      My Mortal Enemy (1926)
Author:     Willa Cather



I first met Myra Henshawe when I was fifteen, but I had known about
her ever since I could remember anything at all.  She and her
runaway marriage were the theme of the most interesting, indeed the
only interesting, stories that were told in our family, on holidays
or at family dinners.  My mother and aunts still heard from Myra
Driscoll, as they called her, and Aunt Lydia occasionally went to
New York to visit her.  She had been the brilliant and attractive
figure among the friends of their girlhood, and her life had been
as exciting and varied as ours was monotonous.

Though she had grown up in our town, Parthia, in southern Illinois,
Myra Henshawe never, after her elopement, came back but once.  It
was in the year when I was finishing High School, and she must then
have been a woman of forty-five.  She came in the early autumn,
with brief notice by telegraph.  Her husband, who had a position in
the New York offices of an Eastern railroad, was coming West on
business, and they were going to stop over for two days in Parthia.
He was to stay at the Parthian, as our new hotel was called, and
Mrs. Henshawe would stay with Aunt Lydia.

I was a favourite with my Aunt Lydia.  She had three big sons, but
no daughter, and she thought my mother scarcely appreciated me.
She was always, therefore, giving me what she called "advantages,"
on the side.  My mother and sister were asked to dinner at Aunt
Lydia's on the night of the Henshawes' arrival, but she had
whispered to me:  "I want you to come in early, an hour or so
before the others, and get acquainted with Myra."

That evening I slipped quietly in at my aunt's front door, and
while I was taking off my wraps in the hall I could see, at the far
end of the parlour, a short, plump woman in a black velvet dress,
seated upon the sofa and softly playing on Cousin Bert's guitar.
She must have heard me, and, glancing up, she saw my reflection in
a mirror; she put down the guitar, rose, and stood to await my
approach.  She stood markedly and pointedly still, with her
shoulders back and her head lifted, as if to remind me that it was
my business to get to her as quickly as possible and present myself
as best I could.  I was not accustomed to formality of any sort,
but by her attitude she succeeded in conveying this idea to me.

I hastened across the room with so much bewilderment and concern in
my face that she gave a short, commiserating laugh as she held out
to me her plump, charming little hand.

"Certainly this must be Lydia's dear Nellie, of whom I have heard
so much!  And you must be fifteen now, by my mournful arithmetic--
am I right?"

What a beautiful voice, bright and gay and carelessly kind--but she
continued to hold her head up haughtily.  She always did this on
meeting people--partly, I think, because she was beginning to have
a double chin and was sensitive about it.  Her deep-set, flashing
grey eyes seemed to be taking me in altogether--estimating me.  For
all that she was no taller than I, I felt quite overpowered by her--
and stupid, hopelessly clumsy and stupid.  Her black hair was done
high on her head,  la Pompadour, and there were curious, zigzag,
curly streaks of glistening white in it, which made it look like
the fleece of a Persian goat or some animal that bore silky fur.  I
could not meet the playful curiosity of her eyes at all, so I
fastened my gaze upon a necklace of carved amethysts she wore
inside the square-cut neck of her dress.  I suppose I stared, for
she said suddenly:  "Does this necklace annoy you?  I'll take it
off if it does."

I was utterly speechless.  I could feel my cheeks burning.  Seeing
that she had hurt me, she was sorry, threw her arm impulsively
about me, drew me into the corner of the sofa and sat down beside

"Oh, we'll get used to each other!  You see, I prod you because I'm
certain that Lydia and your mother have spoiled you a little.
You've been over-praised to me.  It's all very well to be clever,
my dear, but you mustn't be solemn about it--nothing is more
tiresome.  Now, let us get acquainted.  Tell me about the things
you like best; that's the short cut to friendship.  What do you
like best in Parthia?  The old Driscoll place?  I knew it!"

By the time her husband came in I had begun to think she was going
to like me.  I wanted her to, but I felt I didn't have half a
chance with her; her charming, fluent voice, her clear light
enunciation bewildered me.  And I was never sure whether she was
making fun of me or of the thing we were talking about.  Her
sarcasm was so quick, so fine at the point--it was like being
touched by a metal so cold that one doesn't know whether one is
burned or chilled.  I was fascinated, but very ill at ease, and I
was glad when Oswald Henshawe arrived from the hotel.

He came into the room without taking off his overcoat and went
directly up to his wife, who rose and kissed him.  Again I was some
time in catching up with the situation; I wondered for a moment
whether they might have come down from Chicago on different trains;
for she was clearly glad to see him--glad not merely that he was
safe and had got round on time, but because his presence gave her
lively personal pleasure.  I was not accustomed to that kind of
feeling in people long married.

Mr. Henshawe was less perplexing than his wife, and he looked more
as I had expected him to look.  The prominent bones of his face
gave him a rather military air; a broad, rugged forehead, high
cheek-bones, a high nose, slightly arched.  His eyes, however, were
dark and soft, curious in shape--exactly like half-moons--and he
wore a limp, drooping moustache, like an Englishman.  There was
something about him that suggested personal bravery, magnanimity,
and a fine, generous way of doing things.

"I am late," he explained, "because I had some difficulty in
dressing.  I couldn't find my things."

His wife looked concerned for a moment, and then began to laugh
softly.  "Poor Oswald!  You were looking for your new dress shirts
that bulge in front.  Well, you needn't!  I gave them to the
janitor's son."

"The janitor's son?"

"Yes.  To Willy Bunch, at home.  He's probably wearing one to an
Iroquois ball to-night, and that's the right place for it."

Mr. Henshawe passed his hand quickly over his smooth, iron-grey
hair.  "You gave away my six new shirts?"

"Be sure I did.  You shan't wear shirts that give you a bosom, not
if we go to the poorhouse.  You know I can't bear you in ill-
fitting things."

Oswald looked at her with amusement, incredulity, and bitterness.
He turned away from us with a shrug and pulled up a chair.  "Well,
all I can say is, what a windfall for Willy!"

"That's the way to look at it," said his wife teasingly.  "And now
try to talk about something that might conceivably interest Lydia's
niece.  I promised Liddy to make a salad dressing."

I was left alone with Mr. Henshawe.  He had a pleasant way of
giving his whole attention to a young person.  He "drew one out"
better than his wife had done, because he did not frighten one so
much.  I liked to watch his face, with its outstanding bones and
languid, friendly eyes--that perplexing combination of something
hard and something soft.  Soon my mother and uncle and my boy
cousins arrived.  When the party was complete I could watch and
enjoy the visitors without having to think of what I was going to
say next.  The dinner was much gayer than family parties usually
are.  Mrs. Henshawe seemed to remember all the old stories and the
old jokes that had been asleep for twenty years.

"How good it is," my mother exclaimed, "to hear Myra laugh again!"

Yes, it was good.  It was sometimes terrible, too, as I was to find
out later.  She had an angry laugh, for instance, that I still
shiver to remember.  Any stupidity made Myra laugh--I was destined
to hear that one very often!  Untoward circumstances, accidents,
even disasters, provoked her mirth.  And it was always mirth, not
hysteria; there was a spark of zest and wild humour in it.


The big stone house, set in its ten-acre park of trees and
surrounded by a high, wrought-iron fence, in which Myra Driscoll
grew up, was still, in my time, the finest property in Parthia.  At
John Driscoll's death it went to the Sisters of the Sacred Heart,
and I could remember it only as a convent.  Myra was an orphan, and
had been taken into this house as a very little girl and brought up
by her great-uncle.

John Driscoll made his fortune employing contract labour in the
Missouri swamps.  He retired from business early, returned to the
town where he had been a poor boy, and built a fine house in which
he took great pride.  He lived in what was considered great
splendour in those days.  He kept fast horses, and bred a trotter
that made a national record.  He bought silver instruments for the
town band, and paid the salary of the bandmaster.  When the band
went up to serenade him on his birthday and on holidays, he called
the boys in and treated them to his best whisky.  If Myra gave a
ball or a garden-party, the band furnished the music.  It was,
indeed, John Driscoll's band.

Myra, as my aunt often said, had everything: dresses and jewels, a
fine riding horse, a Steinway piano.  Her uncle took her back to
Ireland with him, one summer, and had her painted by a famous
painter.  When they were at home, in Parthia, his house was always
open to the young people of the town.  Myra's good looks and high
spirits gratified the old man's pride.  Her wit was of the kind
that he could understand, native and racy, and none too squeamish.
She was very fond of him, and he knew it.  He was a coarse old
codger, so unlettered that he made a poor showing with a pen.  It
was always told of him that when he became president of our
national bank, he burned a lot of the treasury notes sent up to his
house for him to sign, because he had "spoiled the sig-nay-ture."
But he knew a great deal about men and their motives.  In his own
way he was picturesque, and Myra appreciated it--not many girls
would have done so.  Indeed, she was a good deal like him; the
blood tie was very strong.  There was never a serious disagreement
between them until it came to young Henshawe.

Oswald Henshawe was the son of a German girl of good family, and an
Ulster Protestant whom Driscoll detested; there was an old grudge
of some kind between the two men.  This Ulsterman was poor and
impractical, a wandering schoolmaster, who had charge for a while
of the High School in Parthia, and afterwards taught in smaller
towns about.  Oswald put himself through Harvard with very little
help from his parents.  He was not taken account of in our town
until he came home from college, a handsome and promising young
man.  He and Myra met as if for the first time, and fell in love
with each other.  When old Driscoll found that Oswald was calling
on his niece, he forbade him the house.  They continued to meet at
my grandfather's, however, under the protection of my Aunt Lydia.
Driscoll so persecuted the boy that he felt there was no chance for
him in Parthia.  He roused himself and went to New York.  He stayed
there two years without coming home, sending his letters to Myra
through my aunt.

All Myra's friends were drawn into the web of her romance; half a
dozen young men understudied for Oswald so assiduously that her
uncle might have thought she was going to marry any one of them.
Oswald, meanwhile, was pegging away in New York, at a time when
salaries were small and advancement was slow.  But he managed to
get on, and in two years he was in a position to marry.  He wrote
to John Driscoll, telling him his resources and prospects, and
asked him for his niece's hand.  It was then that Driscoll had it
out with Myra.  He did not come at her in a tantrum, as he had done
before, but confronted her with a cold, business proposition.  If
she married young Henshawe, he would cut her off without a penny.
He could do so, because he had never adopted her.  If she did not,
she would inherit two-thirds of his property--the remaining third
was to go to the church.  "And I advise ye to think well," he told
her.  "It's better to be a stray dog in this world than a man
without money.  I've tried both ways, and I know.  A poor man
stinks, and God hates him."

Some months after this conversation, Myra went out with a sleighing
party.  They drove her to a neighbouring town where Oswald's father
had a school, and where Oswald himself had quietly arrived the day
before.  There, in the presence of his parents and of Myra's
friends, they were married by the civil authority, and they went
away on the Chicago express, which came through at two in the

When I was a little girl my Aunt Lydia used to take me for a walk
along the broad stone flagging that ran all the way around the old
Driscoll grounds.  Through the high iron fence we could see the
Sisters, out for recreation, pacing two and two under the apple-
trees.  My aunt would tell me again about that thrilling night
(probably the most exciting in her life), when Myra Driscoll came
down that path from the house, and out of those big iron gates, for
the last time.  She had wanted to leave without taking anything but
the clothes she wore--and indeed she walked out of the house with
nothing but her muff and her porte-monnaie in her hands.  My
prudent aunt, however, had put her toilet articles and some linen
into a travelling-bag, and thrown it out of the back window to one
of the boys stationed under an apple-tree.

"I'll never forget the sight of her, coming down that walk and
leaving a great fortune behind her," said Aunt Lydia.  "I had gone
out to join the others before she came--she preferred to leave the
house alone.  We girls were all in the sleighs and the boys stood
in the snow holding the horses.  We had begun to think she had
weakened, or maybe gone to the old man to try to move him.  But we
saw by the lights behind when the front door opened and shut, and
here she came, with her head high, and that quick little bouncing
step of hers.  Your Uncle Rob lifted her into the sleigh, and off
we went.  And that hard old man was as good as his word.  Her name
wasn't mentioned in his will.  He left it all to the Catholic
Church and to institutions."

"But they've been happy, anyhow?" I sometimes asked her.

"Happy?  Oh, yes!  As happy as most people."

That answer was disheartening; the very point of their story was
that they should be much happier than other people.

When I was older I used to walk around the Driscoll place alone
very often, especially on spring days, after school, and watch the
nuns pacing so mildly and measuredly among the blossoming trees
where Myra used to give garden-parties and have the band to play
for her.  I thought of the place as being under a spell, like the
Sleeping Beauty's palace; it had been in a trance, or lain in its
flowers like a beautiful corpse, ever since that winter night when
Love went out of the gates and gave the dare to Fate.  Since then,
chanting and devotions and discipline, and the tinkle of little
bells that seemed forever calling the Sisters in to prayers.

I knew that this was not literally true; old John Driscoll had
lived on there for many years after the flight of his niece.  I
myself could remember his funeral--remember it very vividly--though
I was not more than six years old when it happened.  I sat with my
parents in the front of the gallery, at the back of the church that
the old man had enlarged and enriched during the latter days of his
life.  The high altar blazed with hundreds of candles, the choir
was entirely filled by the masses of flowers.  The bishop was
there, and a flock of priests in gorgeous vestments.  When the pall-
bearers arrived, Driscoll did not come to the church; the church
went to him.  The bishop and clergy went down the nave and met that
great black coffin at the door, preceded by the cross and boys
swinging cloudy censers, followed by the choir chanting to the
organ.  They surrounded, they received, they seemed to assimilate
into the body of the church, the body of old John Driscoll.  They
bore it up to the high altar on a river of colour and incense and
organ-tone; they claimed it and enclosed it.

In after years, when I went to other funerals, stark and grim
enough, I thought of John Driscoll as having escaped the end of all
flesh; it was as if he had been translated, with no dark conclusion
to the pageant, no "night of the grave" about which our Protestant
preachers talked.  From the freshness of roses and lilies, from the
glory of the high altar, he had gone straight to the greater glory,
through smoking censers and candles and stars.

After I went home from that first glimpse of the real Myra
Henshawe, twenty-five years older than I had always imagined her, I
could not help feeling a little disappointed.  John Driscoll and
his niece had suddenly changed places in my mind, and he had got,
after all, the more romantic part.  Was it not better to get out of
the world with such pomp and dramatic splendour than to linger on
in it, having to take account of shirts and railway trains, and
getting a double chin into the bargain?

The Henshawes were in Parthia three days, and when they left, it
was settled that I was to go on to New York with Aunt Lydia for the
Christmas holidays.  We were to stay at the old Fifth Avenue Hotel,
which, as Myra said, was only a stone's throw from their apartment,
"if at any time a body was to feel disposed to throw one, Liddy!"


My Aunt Lydia and I arrived at the Jersey City station on the day
before Christmas--a soft, grey December morning, with a little snow
falling.  Myra Henshawe was there to meet us; very handsome, I
thought, as she came walking rapidly up the platform, her plump
figure swathed in furs,--a fur hat on her head, with a single
narrow garnet feather sticking out behind, like the pages' caps in
old story-books.  She was not alone.  She was attended by a tall,
elegant young man in a blue-grey ulster.  He had one arm through
hers, and in the other hand he carried a walking-stick.

"This is Ewan Gray," said Mrs. Henshawe, after she had embraced us.
"Doubtless you have seen him play in Chicago.  He is meeting an
early train, too, so we planned to salute the morn together, and
left Oswald to breakfast alone."

The young man took our hand-luggage and walked beside me to the
ferryboat, asking polite questions about our trip.  He was a
Scotchman, of an old theatrical family, a handsome fellow, with a
broad, fair-skinned face, sand-coloured hair and moustache, and
fine grey eyes, deep-set and melancholy, with black lashes.  He
took us up to the deck of the ferry, and then Mrs. Henshawe told
him he had better leave us.  "You must be there when Esther's train
gets in--and remember, you are to bring her to dine with us to-
morrow night.  There will be no one else."

"Thank you, Myra."  He stood looking down at her with a grateful,
almost humble expression, holding his soft hat against his breast,
while the snow-flakes fell about his head.  "And may I call in for
a few moments to-night, to show you something?"

She laughed as if his request pleased her.  "Something for her, I
expect?  Can't you trust your own judgment?"

"You know I never do," he said, as if that were an old story.

She gave him a little push.  "Do put your hat on, or you'll greet
Esther with a sneeze.  Run along."

She watched him anxiously as he walked away, and groaned:  "Oh, the
deliberation of him!  If I could only make him hurry once.  You'll
hear all about him later, Nellie.  You'll have to see a good deal
of him, but you won't find it a hardship, I trust!"

The boat was pulling out, and I was straining my eyes to catch,
through the fine, reluctant snow, my first glimpse of the city we
were approaching.  We passed the Wilhelm der Grosse coming up the
river under tug, her sides covered with ice after a stormy
crossing, a flock of seagulls in her wake.  The snow blurred
everything a little, and the buildings on the Battery all ran
together--looked like an enormous fortress with a thousand windows.
From the mass, the dull gold dome of the World building emerged
like a ruddy autumn moon at twilight.

From the Twenty-third Street station we took the crosstown car--
people were economical in those days--to the Fifth Avenue Hotel.
After we had unpacked and settled our things, we went across the
Square to lunch at Purcell's, and there Mrs. Henshawe told us about
Ewan Gray.  He was in love with one of her dearest friends, Esther
Sinclair, whose company was coming into New York for the holidays.
Though he was so young, he had, she said, "a rather spotty past,"
and Miss Sinclair, who was the daughter of an old New England
family and had been properly brought up, couldn't make up her mind
whether he was stable enough to marry.  "I don't dare advise her,
though I'm so fond of him.  You can see; he's just the sort of boy
that women pick up and run off into the jungle with.  But he's
never wanted to marry before; it might be the making of him.  He's
distractedly in love--goes about like a sleep-walker.  Still, I
couldn't bear it if anything cruel happened to Esther."

Aunt Lydia and Myra were going to do some shopping.  When we went
out into Madison Square again, Mrs. Henshawe must have seen my
wistful gaze, for she stopped short and said:  "How would Nellie
like it if we left her here, and picked her up as we come back?
That's our house, over there, second floor--so you won't be far
from home.  To me this is the real heart of the city; that's why I
love living here."  She waved to me and hurried my aunt away.

Madison Square was then at the parting of the ways; had a double
personality, half commercial, half social, with shops to the south
and residences on the north.  It seemed to me so neat, after the
raggedness of our Western cities; so protected by good manners and
courtesy--like an open-air drawing-room.  I could well imagine a
winter dancing party being given there, or a reception for some
distinguished European visitor.

The snow fell lightly all the afternoon, and friendly old men with
brooms kept sweeping the paths--very ready to talk to a girl from
the country, and to brush off a bench so that she could sit down.
The trees and shrubbery seemed well-groomed and sociable, like
pleasant people.  The snow lay in clinging folds on the bushes, and
outlined every twig of every tree--a line of white upon a line of
black.  Madison Square Garden, new and spacious then, looked to me
so light and fanciful, and Saint Gaudens' Diana, of which Mrs.
Henshawe had told me, stepped out freely and fearlessly into the
grey air.  I lingered long by the intermittent fountain.  Its
rhythmical splash was like the voice of the place.  It rose and
fell like something taking deep, happy breaths; and the sound was
musical, seemed to come from the throat of spring.  Not far away,
on the corner, was an old man selling English violets, each bunch
wrapped in oiled paper to protect them from the snow.  Here, I
felt, winter brought no desolation; it was tamed, like a polar bear
led on a leash by a beautiful lady.

About the Square the pale blue shadows grew denser and drew closer.
The street lamps flashed out all along the Avenue, and soft lights
began to twinkle in the tall buildings while it was yet day--violet
buildings, just a little denser in substance and colour than the
violet sky.  While I was gazing up at them I heard a laugh close
beside me, and Mrs. Henshawe's arm slipped through mine.

"Why, you're fair moon-struck, Nellie!  I've seen the messenger
boys dodging all about you!"  It was true, droves of people were
going through the Square now, and boys carrying potted plants and
big wreaths.  "Don't you like to watch them?  But we can't stay.
We're going home to Oswald.  Oh, hear the penny whistle!  They
always find me out."  She stopped a thin lad with a cap and yarn
comforter but no overcoat, who was playing The Irish Washerwoman on
a little pipe, and rummaged in her bag for a coin.

The Henshawes' apartment was the second floor of an old brownstone
house on the north side of the Square.  I loved it from the moment
I entered it; such solidly built, high-ceiled rooms, with snug fire-
places and wide doors and deep windows.  The long, heavy velvet
curtains and the velvet chairs were a wonderful plum-colour, like
ripe purple fruit.  The curtains were lined with that rich cream-
colour that lies under the blue skin of ripe figs.

Oswald was standing by the fire, drinking a whisky and soda while
he waited for us.  He put his glass down on the mantel as we opened
the door, and forgot all about it.  He pushed chairs up to the
hearth for my aunt and me, and stood talking to us while his wife
went to change her dress and to have a word with the Irish maid
before dinner.

"By the way, Myra," he said, as she left us, "I've put a bottle of
champagne on ice; it's Christmas eve."

Everything in their little apartment seemed to me absolutely
individual and unique, even the dinner service; the thick grey
plates and the soup tureen painted with birds and big, bright
flowers--I was sure there were no others like them in the world.

As we were finishing dinner the maid announced Mr. Gray.  Henshawe
went into the parlour to greet him, and we followed a moment later.
The young man was in evening clothes, with a few sprays of white
hyacinth in his coat.  He stood by the fire, his arm on the mantel.
His clean, fair skin and melancholy eyes, his very correct clothes,
and something about the shape of his hands, made one conscious of a
cool, deliberate fastidiousness in him.  In spite of his spotty
past he looked, that night, as fresh and undamaged as the flowers
he wore.  Henshawe took on a slightly bantering tone with him, and
seemed to be trying to cheer him up.  Mr. Gray would not sit down.
After an interval of polite conversation he said to his host:
"Will you excuse me if I take Myra away for a few moments?  She has
promised to do something kind for me."

They went into Henshawe's little study, off the parlour, and shut
the door.  We could hear a low murmur of voices.  When they came
back to us Mrs. Henshawe stood beside Gray while he put on his
caped cloak, talking encouragingly.  "The opals are beautiful, but
I'm afraid of them, Ewan.  Oswald would laugh at me, but all the
same they have a bad history.  Love itself draws on a woman nearly
all the bad luck in the world; why, for mercy's sake, add opals?
He brought two bracelets for me to decide between them, Oswald,
both lovely.  However did they let you carry off two, Ewan?"

"They know me there.  I always pay my bills, Myra.  I don't know
why, but I do.  I suppose it's the Scotch in me."

He wished us all good-night.

"Give a kiss to Esther for me," said Mrs. Henshawe merrily at the
door.  He made no reply, but bent over her hand and vanished.

"What he really wanted was to show me some verses he's made for
her," said Mrs. Henshawe, as she came back to the fire.  "And very
pretty ones they are, for sweet-heart poetry."

Mr. Henshawe smiled.  "Maybe you obliged him with a rhyme or two,
my dear?  Lydia--" he sat down by my aunt and put his hand on hers--
"I'd never feel sure that I did my own courting, if it weren't
that I was a long way off at the time.  Myra is so fond of helping
young men along.  We nearly always have a love affair on hand."

She put her hand over his lips.  "Hush!  I hate old women who egg
on courtships."

When Oswald had finished his cigar we were taken out for a walk.
This was primarily for the good of her "figger," Myra said, and
incidentally we were to look for a green bush to send to Madame
Modjeska.  "She's spending the holidays in town, and it will be
dismal at her hotel."

At the florist's we found, among all the little trees and potted
plants, a glistening holly-tree, full of red berries and pointed
like a spire, easily the queen of its companions.  "That is
naturally hers," said Mrs. Myra.

Her husband shrugged.  "It's naturally the most extravagant."

Mrs. Myra threw up her head.  "Don't be petty, Oswald.  It's not a
woollen petticoat or warm mittens that Madame is needing."  She
gave careful instructions to the florist's man, who was to take the
tree to the Savoy; he was to carry with it a box of cakes, "of my
baking," she said proudly.  He was to ask for Mrs. Hewes, the
housekeeper, and under her guidance he was to carry the tree up to
Madame Modjeska's rooms himself.  The man showed a sympathetic
interest, and promised to follow instructions.  Then Mrs. Henshawe
gave him a silver dollar and wished him a Merry Christmas.

As we walked home she slipped her arm through mine, and we fell a
little behind the other two.  "See the moon coming out, Nellie--
behind the tower.  It wakens the guilt in me.  No playing with
love; and I'd sworn a great oath never to meddle again.  You send a
handsome fellow like Ewan Gray to a fine girl like Esther, and it's
Christmas eve, and they rise above us and the white world around
us, and there isn't anybody, not a tramp on the park benches, that
wouldn't wish them well--and very likely hell will come of it!"


The next morning Oswald Henshawe, in a frock-coat and top-hat,
called to take Aunt Lydia and me to church.  The weather had
cleared before we went to bed, and as we stepped out of our hotel
that morning, the sun shone blindingly on the snow-covered park,
the gold Diana flashed against a green-blue sky.  We were going to
Grace Church, and the morning was so beautiful that we decided to

"Lydia," said Henshawe, as he took us each by an arm, "I want you
to give me a Christmas present."

"Why, Oswald," she stammered.

"Oh, I have it ready!  You've only to present it."  He took a
little flat package from his pocket and slipped it into her muff.
He drew both of us closer to him.  "Listen, it's nothing.  It's
some sleeve-buttons, given me by a young woman who means no harm,
but doesn't know the ways of the world very well.  She's from a
breezy Western city, where a rich girl can give a present whenever
she wants to and nobody questions it.  She sent these to my office
yesterday.  If I send them back to her it will hurt her feelings;
she would think I had misunderstood her.  She'll get hard knocks
here, of course, but I don't want to give her any.  On the other
hand--well, you know Myra; nobody better.  She would punish herself
and everybody else for this young woman's questionable taste.  So I
want you to give them to me, Lydia."

"Oh, Oswald," cried my aunt, "Myra is so keen!  I'm not clever
enough to fool Myra.  Can't you just put them away in your office?"

"Not very well.  Besides," he gave a slightly embarrassed laugh,
"I'd like to wear them.  They are very pretty."

"Now, Oswald . . ."

"Oh, it's all right, Lydia, I give you my word it is.  But you know
how a little thing of that sort can upset my wife.  I thought you
might give them to me when you come over to dine with us to-morrow
night.  She wouldn't be jealous of you.  But if you don't like the
idea . . . why, just take them home with you and give them to some
nice boy who would appreciate them."

All through the Christmas service I could see that Aunt Lydia was
distracted and perplexed.  As soon as we got back to the hotel and
were safe in our rooms she took the brown leather case from her
muff and opened it.  The sleeve-buttons were topazes, winy-yellow,
lightly set in crinkly gold.  I believe she was seduced by their
beauty.  "I really think he ought to have them, if he wants them.
Everything is always for Myra.  He never gets anything for himself.
And all the admiration is for her; why shouldn't he have a little?
He has been devoted to a fault.  It isn't good for any woman to be
humoured and pampered as he has humoured her.  And she's often most
unreasonable with him--most unreasonable!"

The next evening, as we were walking across the Square to the
Henshawes, we glanced up and saw them standing together in one of
their deep front windows, framed by the plum-coloured curtains.
They were looking out, but did not see us.  I noticed that she was
really quite a head shorter than he, and she leaned a little
towards him.  When she was peaceful, she was like a dove with its
wings folded.  There was something about them, as they stood in the
lighted window, that would have discouraged me from meddling, but
it did not shake my aunt.

As soon as we were in the parlour, before we had taken off our
coats, she said resolutely:  "Myra, I want to give Oswald a
Christmas present.  Once an old friend left with me some cufflinks
he couldn't keep--unpleasant associations, I suppose.  I thought of
giving them to one of my own boys, but I brought them for Oswald.
I'd rather he would have them than anybody."

Aunt Lydia spoke with an ease and conviction which compelled my
admiration.  She took the buttons out of her muff, without the box,
of course, and laid them in Mrs. Henshawe's hand.

Mrs. Henshawe was delighted.  "How clever of you to think of it,
Liddy, dear!  Yes, they're exactly right for him.  There's hardly
any other stone I would like, but these are exactly right.  Look,
Oswald, they're the colour of a fine Moselle."  It was Oswald
himself who seemed disturbed, and not overpleased.  He grew red,
was confused in his remarks, and was genuinely reluctant when his
wife insisted upon taking the gold buttons out of his cuffs and
putting in the new ones.  "I can't get over your canniness, Liddy,"
she said as she fitted them.

"It's not like me, is it, Myra?" retorted my aunt; "not like me at
all to choose the right sort of thing.  But did it never occur to
you that anyone besides yourself might know what is appropriate for
Oswald?  No, I'm sure it never did!"

Mrs. Myra took the laugh so heartily to herself that I felt it was
a shame to deceive her.  So, I am sure, did Oswald.  During dinner
he talked more than usual, but he was ill at ease.  Afterwards, at
the opera, when the lights were down, I noticed that he was not
listening to the music, but was looking listlessly off into the
gloom of the house, with something almost sorrowful in his strange,
half-moon eyes.  During an entr'acte a door at the back was opened,
and a draught blew in.  As he put his arm back to pull up the cloak
which had slipped down from his wife's bare shoulders, she laughed
and said:  "Oh, Oswald, I love to see your jewels flash!"

He dropped his hand quickly and frowned so darkly that I thought he
would have liked to put the topazes under his heel and grind them
up.  I thought him properly served then, but often since I have
wondered at his gentle heart.


During the week between Christmas and New Year's day I was with
Mrs. Henshawe a great deal, but we were seldom alone.  It was the
season of calls and visits, and she said that meeting so many
people would certainly improve my manners and my English.  She
hated my careless, slangy, Western speech.  Her friends, I found,
were of two kinds: artistic people--actors, musicians, literary men--
with whom she was always at her best because she admired them; and
another group whom she called her "moneyed" friends (she seemed to
like the word), and these she cultivated, she told me, on Oswald's
account.  "He is the sort of man who does well in business only if
he has the incentive of friendships.  He doesn't properly belong in
business.  We never speak of it, but I'm sure he hates it.  He went
into an office only because we were young and terribly in love, and
had to be married."

The business friends seemed to be nearly all Germans.  On Sunday we
called at half-a-dozen or more big houses.  I remember very large
rooms, much upholstered and furnished, walls hung with large
paintings in massive frames, and many stiff, dumpy little sofas, in
which the women sat two-and-two, while the men stood about the
refreshment tables, drinking champagne and coffee and smoking fat
black cigars.  Among these people Mrs. Myra took on her loftiest
and most challenging manner.  I could see that some of the women
were quite afraid of her.  They were in great haste to rush
refreshments to her, and looked troubled when she refused anything.
They addressed her in German and profusely complimented her upon
the way she spoke it.  We had a carriage that afternoon, and Myra
was dressed in her best--making an especial effort on Oswald's
account; but the rich and powerful irritated her.  Their solemnity
was too much for her sense of humour; there was a biting edge to
her sarcasm, a curl about the corners of her mouth that was never
there when she was with people whose personality charmed her.

I had one long, delightful afternoon alone with Mrs. Henshawe in
Central Park.  We walked for miles, stopped to watch the skating,
and finally had tea at the Casino, where she told me about some of
the singers and actors I would meet at her apartment on New Year's
eve.  Her account of her friends was often more interesting to me
than the people themselves.  After tea she hailed a hansom and
asked the man to drive us about the park a little, as a fine sunset
was coming on.  We were jogging happily along under the elms,
watching the light change on the crusted snow, when a carriage
passed from which a handsome woman leaned out and waved to us.
Mrs. Henshawe bowed stiffly, with a condescending smile.  "There,
Nellie," she exclaimed, "that's the last woman I'd care to have
splashing past me, and me in a hansom cab!"

I glimpsed what seemed to me insane ambition.  My aunt was always
thanking God that the Henshawes got along as well as they did, and
worrying because she felt sure Oswald wasn't saving anything.  And
here Mrs. Myra was wishing for a carriage--with stables and a house
and servants, and all that went with a carriage!  All the way home
she kept her scornful expression, holding her head high and
sniffing the purple air from side to side as we drove down Fifth
Avenue.  When we alighted before her door she paid the driver, and
gave him such a large fee that he snatched off his hat and said
twice:  "Thank you, thank you, my lady!"  She dismissed him with a
smile and a nod.  "All the same," she whispered to me as she fitted
her latchkey, "it's very nasty, being poor!"

That week Mrs. Henshawe took me to see a dear friend of hers, Anne
Aylward, the poet.  She was a girl who had come to New York only a
few years before, had won the admiration of men of letters, and was
now dying of tuberculosis in her early twenties.  Mrs. Henshawe had
given me a book of her poems to read, saying:  "I want you to see
her so that you can remember her in after years, and I want her to
see you so that we can talk you over."

Miss Aylward lived with her mother in a small flat overlooking the
East River, and we found her in a bathchair, lying in the sun and
watching the river boats go by.  Her study was a delightful place
that morning, full of flowers and plants and baskets of fruit that
had been sent her for Christmas.  But it was Myra Henshawe herself
who made that visit so memorably gay.  Never had I seen her so
brilliant and strangely charming as she was in that sunlit study up
under the roofs.  Their talk quite took my breath away; they said
such exciting, such fantastic things about people, books, music--
anything; they seemed to speak together a kind of highly flavoured
special language.

As we were walking home she tried to tell me more about Miss
Aylward, but tenderness for her friend and bitter rebellion at her
fate choked her voice.  She suffered physical anguish for that poor
girl.  My aunt often said that Myra was incorrigibly extravagant;
but I saw that her chief extravagance was in caring for so many
people, and in caring for them so much.  When she but mentioned the
name of some one whom she admired, one got an instant impression
that the person must be wonderful, her voice invested the name with
a sort of grace.  When she liked people she always called them by
name a great many times in talking to them, and she enunciated the
name, no matter how commonplace, in a penetrating way, without
hurrying over it or slurring it; and this, accompanied by her
singularly direct glance, had a curious effect.  When she addressed
Aunt Lydia, for instance, she seemed to be speaking to a person
deeper down than the blurred, taken-for-granted image of my aunt
that I saw every day, and for a moment my aunt became more
individual, less matter-of-fact to me.  I had noticed this peculiar
effect of Myra's look and vocative when I first met her, in
Parthia, where her manner of addressing my relatives had made them
all seem a little more attractive to me.

One afternoon when we were at a matine I noticed in a loge a young
man who looked very much like the photographs of a story-writer
popular at that time.  I asked Mrs. Henshawe whether it could be
he.  She looked in the direction I indicated, then looked quickly
away again.

"Yes, it's he.  He used to be a friend of mine.  That's a sad
phrase, isn't it?  But there was a time when he could have stood by
Oswald in a difficulty--and he didn't.  He passed it up.  Wasn't
there.  I've never forgiven him."

I regretted having noticed the man in the loge, for all the rest of
the afternoon I could feel the bitterness working in her.  I knew
that she was suffering.  The scene on the stage was obliterated for
her; the drama was in her mind.  She was going over it all again;
arguing, accusing, denouncing.

As we left the theatre she sighed:  "Oh, Nellie, I wish you hadn't
seen him!  It's all very well to tell us to forgive our enemies;
our enemies can never hurt us very much.  But oh, what about
forgiving our friends?"--she beat on her fur collar with her two
gloved hands--"that's where the rub comes!"

The Henshawes always gave a party on New Year's eve.  That year
most of the guests were stage people.  Some of them, in order to
get there before midnight, came with traces of make-up still on
their faces.  I remember old Jefferson de Angelais arrived in his
last-act wig, carrying his plumed hat--during the supper his
painted eyebrows spread and came down over his eyes like a veil.
Most of them are dead now, but it was a fine group that stood about
the table to drink the New Year in.  By far the handsomest and most
distinguished of that company was a woman no longer young, but
beautiful in age, Helena Modjeska.  She looked a woman of another
race and another period, no less queenly than when I had seen her
in Chicago as Marie Stuart, and as Katharine in Henry VIII.  I
remember how, when Oswald asked her to propose a toast, she put out
her long arm, lifted her glass, and looking into the blur of the
candlelight with a grave face, said:  "To my coun-n-try!"

As she was not playing, she had come early, some time before the
others, bringing with her a young Polish woman who was singing at
the Opera that winter.  I had an opportunity to watch Modjeska as
she sat talking to Myra and Esther Sinclair--Miss Sinclair had once
played in her company.  When the other guests began to arrive, and
Myra was called away, she sat by the fire in a high-backed chair,
her head resting lightly on her hand, her beautiful face half in
shadow.  How well I remember those long, beautifully modelled
hands, with so much humanity in them.  They were worldly, indeed,
but fashioned for a nobler worldliness than ours; hands to hold a
sceptre, or a chalice--or, by courtesy, a sword.

The party did not last long, but it was a whirl of high spirits.
Everybody was hungry and thirsty.  There was a great deal of talk
about Sarah Bernhardt's Hamlet, which had been running all week and
had aroused hot controversy; and about Jean de Reszke's return to
the Metropolitan that night, after a long illness in London.

By two o'clock every one had gone but the two Polish ladies.
Modjeska, after she put on her long cloak, went to the window, drew
back the plum-coloured curtains, and looked out.  "See, Myra," she
said with that Slav accent she never lost, though she read English
verse so beautifully, "the Square is quite white with moonlight.
And how still all the ci-ty is, how still!"  She turned to her
friend; "Emelia, I think you must sing something.  Something
old . . . yes, from Norma."  She hummed a familiar air under her
breath, and looked about for a chair.  Oswald brought one.  "Thank
you. And we might have less light, might we not?"  He turned off the

She sat by the window, half draped in her cloak, the moonlight
falling across her knees.  Her friend went to the piano and
commenced the Casta Diva aria, which begins so like the quivering
of moonbeams on the water.  It was the first air on our old music-
box at home, but I had never heard it sung--and I have never heard
it sung so beautifully since.  I remember Oswald, standing like a
statue behind Madame Modjeska's chair, and Myra, crouching low
beside the singer, her head in both hands, while the song grew and
blossomed like a great emotion.

When it stopped, nobody said anything beyond a low good-bye.
Modjeska again drew her cloak around her, and Oswald took them down
to their carriage.  Aunt Lydia and I followed, and as we crossed
the Square we saw their cab going up the Avenue.  For many years I
associated Mrs. Henshawe with that music, thought of that aria as
being mysteriously related to something in her nature that one
rarely saw, but nearly always felt; a compelling, passionate,
overmastering something for which I had no name, but which was
audible, visible in the air that night, as she sat crouching in the
shadow.  When I wanted to recall powerfully that hidden richness in
her, I had only to close my eyes and sing to myself:  "Casta diva,
casta diva!"


On Saturday I was to lunch at the Henshawes' and go alone with
Oswald to hear Bernhardt and Coquelin.  As I opened the door into
the entry hall, the first thing that greeted me was Mrs. Henshawe's
angry laugh, and a burst of rapid words that stung like cold water
from a spray.

"I tell you, I will know the truth about this key, and I will go
through any door your keys open.  Is that clear?"

Oswald answered with a distinctly malicious chuckle:  "My dear,
you'd have a hard time getting through that door.  The key happens
to open a safety deposit box."

Her voice rose an octave in pitch.  "How dare you lie to me,
Oswald?  How dare you?  They told me at your bank that this wasn't
a bank key, though it looks like one.  I stopped and showed it to
them--the day you forgot your keys and telephoned me to bring them
down to your office."

"The hell you did!"

I coughed and rapped at the door . . . they took no notice of me.
I heard Oswald push back a chair.  "Then it was you who took my
keys out of my pocket?  I might have known it!  I never forget to
change them.  And you went to the bank and made me and yourself
ridiculous.  I can imagine their amusement."

"Well, you needn't!  I know how to get information without giving
any.  Here is Nellie Birdseye, rapping at the gates.  Come in,
Nellie.  You and Oswald are going over to Martin's for lunch.  He
and I are quarrelling about a key-ring.  There will be no luncheon
here to-day."

She went away, and I stood bewildered.  This delightful room had
seemed to me a place where light-heartedness and charming manners
lived--housed there just as the purple curtains and the Kiva rugs
and the gay water-colours were.  And now everything was in ruins.
The air was still and cold like the air in a refrigerating-room.
What I felt was fear; I was afraid to look or speak or move.
Everything about me seemed evil.  When kindness has left people,
even for a few moments, we become afraid of them, as if their
reason had left them.  When it has left a place where we have
always found it, it is like shipwreck; we drop from security into
something malevolent and bottomless.

"It's all right, Nellie."  Oswald recovered himself and put a hand
on my shoulder.  "Myra isn't half so furious with me as she
pretends.  I'll get my hat and we'll be off."  He was in his
smoking-jacket, and had been sitting at his desk, writing.  His
inkwell was uncovered, and on the blotter lay a half-written sheet
of note paper.

I was glad to get out into the sunlight with him.  The city seemed
safe and friendly and smiling.  The air in that room had been like
poison.  Oswald tried to make it up to me.  We walked round and
round the Square, and at Martin's he made me drink a glass of
sherry, and pointed out the interesting people in the dining-room
and told me stories about them.  But without his hat, his head
against the bright window, he looked tired and troubled.  I
wondered, as on the first time I saw him, in my own town, at the
contradiction in his face: the strong bones, and the curiously
shaped eyes without any fire in them.  I felt that his life had not
suited him; that he possessed some kind of courage and force which
slept, which in another sort of world might have asserted
themselves brilliantly.  I thought he ought to have been a soldier
or an explorer.  I have since seen those half-moon eyes in other
people, and they were always inscrutable, like his; fronted the
world with courtesy and kindness, but one never got behind them.

We went to the theatre, but I remember very little of the
performance except a dull heartache, and a conviction that I should
never like Mrs. Myra so well again.  That was on Saturday.  On
Monday Aunt Lydia and I were to start for home.  We positively did
not see the Henshawes again.  Sunday morning the maid came with
some flowers and a note from Myra, saying that her friend Anne
Aylward was having a bad day and had sent for her.

On Monday we took an early boat across the ferry, in order to
breakfast in the Jersey station before our train started.  We had
got settled in our places in the Pullman, the moment of departure
was near, when we heard an amused laugh, and there was Myra
Henshawe, coming into the car in her fur hat, followed by a porter
who carried her bags.

"I didn't plot anything so neat as this, Liddy," she laughed, a
little out of breath, "though I knew we'd be on the same train.
But we won't quarrel, will we?  I'm only going as far as
Pittsburgh.  I've some old friends there.  Oswald and I have had a
disagreement, and I've left him to think it over.  If he needs me,
he can quite well come after me."

All day Mrs. Myra was jolly and agreeable, though she treated us
with light formality, as if we were new acquaintances.  We lunched
together, and I noticed, sitting opposite her, that when she was in
this mood of high scorn, her mouth, which could be so tender--which
cherished the names of her friends and spoke them delicately--was
entirely different.  It seemed to curl and twist about like a
little snake.  Letting herself think harm of anyone she loved
seemed to change her nature, even her features.

It was dark when we got into Pittsburgh.  The Pullman porter took
Myra's luggage to the end of the car.  She bade us good-bye,
started to leave us, then turned back with an icy little smile.
"Oh, Liddy dear, you needn't have perjured yourself for those
yellow cuff-buttons.  I was sure to find out, I always do.  I don't
hold it against you, but it's disgusting in a man to lie for
personal decorations.  A woman might do it, now . . . for pearls!"
With a bright nod she turned away and swept out of the car, her
head high, the long garnet feather drooping behind.

Aunt Lydia was very angry.  "I'm sick of Myra's dramatics," she
declared.  "I've done with them.  A man never IS justified, but if
ever a man was . . ."



Ten years after that visit to New York I happened to be in a
sprawling overgrown West-coast city which was in the throes of
rapid development--it ran about the shore, stumbling all over
itself and finally tumbled untidily into the sea.  Every hotel and
boarding-house was overcrowded, and I was very poor.  Things had
gone badly with my family and with me.  I had come West in the
middle of the year to take a position in a college--a college that
was as experimental and unsubstantial as everything else in the
place.  I found lodgings in an apartment-hotel, wretchedly built
and already falling to pieces, although it was new.  I moved in on
a Sunday morning, and while I was unpacking my trunk, I heard,
through the thin walls, my neighbour stirring about; a man, and,
from the huskiness of his cough and something measured in his
movements, not a young man.  The caution of his step, the guarded
consideration of his activities, let me know that he did not wish
to thrust the details of his housekeeping upon other people any
more than he could help.

Presently I detected the ugly smell of gasolene in the air, heard a
sound of silk being snapped and shaken, and then a voice humming
very low an old German air--yes, Schubert's Frhlings-glaube; ta ta
te-ta | ta-ta ta-ta ta-ta | ta.  In a moment I saw the ends of dark
neckties fluttering out of the window next mine.

All this made me melancholy--more than the dreariness of my own
case.  I was young, and it didn't matter so much about me; for
youth there is always the hope, the certainty, of better things.
But an old man, a gentleman, living in this shabby, comfortless
place, cleaning his neckties of a Sunday morning and humming to
himself . . . it depressed me unreasonably.  I was glad when his
outer door shut softly and I heard no more of him.

There was an indifferent restaurant on the ground floor of the
hotel.  As I was going down to my dinner that evening, I met, at
the head of the stairs, a man coming up and carrying a large black
tin tray.  His head was bent, and his eyes were lowered.  As he
drew aside to let me pass, in spite of his thin white hair and
stooped shoulders, I recognised Oswald Henshawe, whom I had not
seen for so many years--not, indeed, since that afternoon when he
took me to see Sarah Bernhardt play Hamlet.

When I called his name he started, looked at me, and rested the
tray on the sill of the blindless window that lighted the naked
stairway.  "Nellie!  Nellie Birdseye!  Can it be?"  His voice was
quite uncertain.  He seemed deeply shaken, and pulled out a
handkerchief to wipe his forehead.  "But, Nellie, you have grown
up!  I would not know you.  What good fortune for Myra!  She will
hardly believe it when I tell her.  She is ill, my poor Myra.  Oh,
very ill!  But we must not speak of that, nor seem to know it.
What it will mean to her to see you again!  Her friends always were
so much to her, you remember?  Will you stop and see us as you come
up?  Her room is thirty-two; rap gently, and I'll be waiting for
you.  Now I must take her dinner.  Oh, I hope for her sake you are
staying some time.  She has no one here."

He took up the tray and went softly along the uncarpeted hall.  I
felt little zest for the canned vegetables and hard meat the
waitress put before me.  I had known that the Henshawes had come on
evil days, and were wandering about among the cities of the Pacific
coast.  But Myra had stopped writing to Aunt Lydia, beyond a word
of greeting at Christmas and on her birthday.  She had ceased to
give us any information about their way of life.  We knew that
several years after my memorable visit in New York, the railroad to
whose president Oswald had long been private secretary, was put
into the hands of a receiver, and the retiring president went
abroad to live.  Henshawe had remained with the new management, but
very soon the road was taken over by one of the great trunk lines,
and the office staff was cut in two.  In the reorganization
Henshawe was offered a small position, which he indignantly refused--
his wife wouldn't let him think of accepting it.  He went to San
Francisco as manager of a commission house; the business failed,
and what had happened to them since I did not know.

I lingered long over my dismal dinner.  I had not the courage to go
up-stairs.  Henshawe was not more than sixty, but he looked much
older.  He had the tired, tired face of one who has utterly lost

Oswald had got his wife up out of bed to receive me.  When I
entered she was sitting in a wheel-chair by an open window, wrapped
in a Chinese dressing-gown, with a bright shawl over her feet.  She
threw out both arms to me, and as she hugged me, flashed into her
old gay laugh.

"Now wasn't it clever of you to find us, Nellie?  And we so safely
hidden--in earth, like a pair of old foxes!  But it was in the
cards that we should meet again.  Now I understand; a wise woman
has been coming to read my fortune for me, and the queen of hearts
has been coming up out of the pack when she had no business to; a
beloved friend coming out of the past.  Well, Nellie, dear, I
couldn't think of any old friends that weren't better away, for
one reason or another, while we are in temporary eclipse.  I gain
strength faster if I haven't people on my mind.  But you, Nellie
. . . that's different."  She put my two hands to her cheeks, making
a frame for her face.  "That's different.  Somebody young, and
clear-eyed, chock-full of opinions, and without a past.  But you
may have a past, already?  The darkest ones come early."

I was delighted.  She was . . . she was herself, Myra Henshawe!  I
hadn't expected anything so good.  The electric bulbs in the room
were shrouded and muffled with coloured scarfs, and in that light
she looked much less changed than Oswald.  The corners of her mouth
had relaxed a little, but they could still curl very scornfully
upon occasion; her nose was the same sniffy little nose, with its
restless, arched nostrils, and her double chin, though softer, was
no fuller.  A strong cable of grey-black hair was wound on the top
of her head, which, as she once remarked, "was no head for a woman
at all, but would have graced one of the wickedest of the Roman

Her bed was in the alcove behind her.  In the shadowy dimness of
the room I recognised some of the rugs from their New York
apartment, some of the old pictures, with frames peeling and glass
cracked.  Here was Myra's little inlaid tea-table, and the desk at
which Oswald had been writing that day when I dropped in upon their
quarrel.  At the windows were the dear, plum-coloured curtains,
their cream lining streaked and faded--but the sight of them
rejoiced me more than I could tell the Henshawes.

"And where did you come from, Nellie?  What are you doing here, in
heaven's name?"

While I explained myself she listened intently, holding my wrist
with one of her beautiful little hands, which were so inexplicably
mischievous in their outline, and which, I noticed, were still
white and well cared for.

"Ah, but teaching, Nellie!  I don't like that, not even for a
temporary expedient.  It's a cul-de-sac.  Generous young people use
themselves all up at it; they have no sense.  Only the stupid and
the phlegmatic should teach."

"But won't you allow me, too, a temporary eclipse?"

She laughed and squeezed my hand.  "Ah, WE wouldn't be hiding in
the shadow, if we were five-and-twenty!  We were throwing off
sparks like a pair of shooting stars, weren't we, Oswald?  No, I
can't bear teaching for you, Nellie.  Why not journalism?  You
could always make your way easily there."

"Because I hate journalism.  I know what I want to do, and I'll
work my way out yet, if only you'll give me time."

"Very well, dear."  She sighed.  "But I'm ambitious for you.  I've
no patience with young people when they drift.  I wish I could live
their lives for them; I'd know how!  But there it is; by the time
you've learned the short cuts, your feet puff up so that you can't
take the road at all.  Now tell me about your mother and my Lydia."

I had hardly begun when she lifted one finger and sniffed the air.
"Do you get it?  That bitter smell of the sea?  It's apt to come in
on the night wind.  I live on it.  Sometimes I can still take a
drive along the shore.  Go on; you say that Lydia and your mother
are at present in disputation about the possession of your late
grandfather's portrait.  Why don't you cut it in two for them,
Nellie?  I remember it perfectly, and half of it would be enough
for anybody!"

While I told her any amusing gossip I could remember about my
family, she sat crippled but powerful in her brilliant wrappings.
She looked strong and broken, generous and tyrannical, a witty and
rather wicked old woman, who hated life for its defeats, and loved
it for its absurdities.  I recalled her angry laugh, and how she
had always greeted shock or sorrow with that dry, exultant chuckle
which seemed to say:  "Ah-ha, I have one more piece of evidence,
one more, against the hideous injustice God permits in this world!"

While we were talking, the silence of the strangely balmy February
evening was rudely disturbed by the sound of doors slamming and
heavy tramping overhead.  Mrs. Henshawe winced, a look of
apprehension and helplessness, a tortured expression, came over her
face.  She turned sharply to her husband, who was resting
peacefully in one of their old, deep chairs, over by the muffled
light.  "There they are, those animals!"

He sat up.  "They have just come back from church," he said in a
troubled voice.

"Why should I have to know when they come back from church?  Why
should I have the details of their stupid, messy existence thrust
upon me all day long, and half the night?" she broke out bitterly.
Her features became tense, as from an attack of pain, and I
realised how unable she was to bear things.

"We are unfortunate in the people who live over us," Oswald
explained.  "They annoy us a great deal.  These new houses are
poorly built, and every sound carries."

"Couldn't you ask them to walk more quietly?" I suggested.

He smiled and shook his head.  "We have, but it seems to make them
worse.  They are that kind of people."

His wife broke in.  "The palavery kind of Southerners; all that
slushy gush on the surface, and no sensibilities whatever--a race
without consonants and without delicacy.  They tramp up there all
day long like cattle.  The stalled ox would have trod softer.
Their energy isn't worth anything, so they use it up gabbling and
running about, beating my brains into a jelly."

She had scarcely stopped for breath when I heard a telephone ring
overhead, then shrieks of laughter, and two people ran across the
floor as if they were running a foot-race.

"You hear?"  Mrs. Henshawe looked at me triumphantly.  "Those two
silly old hens race each other to the telephone as if they had a
sweetheart at the other end of it.  While I could still climb
stairs, I hobbled up to that woman and implored her, and she began
gushing about 'mah sistah' and 'mah son,' and what 'rahfined'
people they were. . . .  Oh, that's the cruelty of being poor; it
leaves you at the mercy of such pigs!  Money is a protection, a
cloak; it can buy one quiet, and some sort of dignity."  She leaned
back, exhausted, and shut her eyes.

"Come, Nellie," said Oswald, softly.  He walked down the hall to my
door with me.  "I'm sorry the disturbance began while you were
there.  Sometimes they go to the movies, and stay out later," he
said mournfully.  "I've talked to that woman and to her son, but
they are very unfeeling people."

"But wouldn't the management interfere in a case of sickness?"

Again he shook his head.  "No, they pay a higher rent than we do--
occupy more rooms.  And we are somewhat under obligation to the


I soon discovered the facts about the Henshawes' present existence.
Oswald had a humble position, poorly paid, with the city traction
company.  He had to be at his desk at nine o'clock every day except
Sunday.  He rose at five in the morning, put on an old duck suit
(it happened to be a very smart one, with frogs and a military
collar, left over from prosperous times), went to his wife's room
and gave her her bath, made her bed, arranged her things, and then
got their breakfast.  He made the coffee on a spirit lamp, the
toast on an electric toaster.  This was the only meal of the day
they could have together, and as they had it long before the
ruthless Poindexters overhead began to tramp, it was usually a
cheerful occasion.

After breakfast Oswald washed the dishes.  Their one luxury was a
private bath, with a large cupboard, which he called his kitchen.
Everything else done, he went back to his own room, put it in
order, and then dressed for the office.  He still dressed very
neatly, though how he managed to do it with the few clothes he had,
I could not see.  He was the only man staying in that shabby hotel
who looked well-groomed.  As a special favour from his company he
was allowed to take two hours at noon, on account of his sick wife.
He came home, brought her her lunch from below, then hurried back
to his office.

Myra made her own tea every afternoon, getting about in her wheel-
chair or with the aid of a cane.  I found that one of the kindest
things I could do for her was to bring her some little sandwiches
or cakes from the Swedish bakery to vary her tinned biscuit.  She
took great pains to get her tea nicely; it made her feel less
shabby to use her own silver tea things and the three glossy
English cups she had carried about with her in her trunk.  I used
often to go in and join her, and we spent some of our pleasantest
hours at that time of the day, when the people overhead were
usually out.  When they were in, and active, it was too painful to
witness Mrs. Henshawe's suffering.  She was acutely sensitive to
sound and light, and the Poindexters did tramp like cattle--except
that their brutal thumping hadn't the measured dignity which the
step of animals always has.  Mrs. Henshawe got great pleasure from
flowers, too, and during the late winter months my chief
extravagance and my chief pleasure was in taking them to her.

One warm Saturday afternoon, early in April, we went for a drive
along the shore.  I had hired a low carriage with a kindly Negro
driver.  Supported on his arm and mine, Mrs. Henshawe managed to
get downstairs.  She looked much older and more ill in her black
broadcloth coat and a black taffeta hat that had once been smart.
We took with us her furs and an old steamer blanket.  It was a
beautiful, soft spring day.  The road, unfortunately, kept winding
away from the sea.  At last we came out on a bare headland, with
only one old twisted tree upon it, and the sea beneath.

"Why, Nellie!" she exclaimed, "it's like the cliff in Lear,
Gloucester's cliff, so it is!  Can't we stay here?  I believe this
nice darkey man would fix me up under the tree there and come back
for us later."

We wrapped her in the rug, and she declared that the trunk of the
old cedar, bending away from the sea, made a comfortable back for
her.  The Negro drove away, and I went for a walk up the shore
because I knew she wanted to be alone.  From a distance I could see
her leaning against her tree and looking off to sea, as if she were
waiting for something.  A few steamers passed below her, and the
gulls dipped and darted about the headland, the soft shine of the
sun on their wings.  The afternoon light, at first wide and watery-
pale, grew stronger and yellower, and when I went back to Myra it
was beating from the west on her cliff as if thrown by a burning-

She looked up at me with a soft smile--her face could still be very
lovely in a tender moment.  "I've had such a beautiful hour, dear;
or has it been longer?  Light and silence: they heal all one's
wounds--all but one, and that is healed by dark and silence.  I
find I don't miss clever talk, the kind I always used to have about
me, when I can have silence.  It's like cold water poured over

I sat down beside her, and we watched the sun dropping lower toward
his final plunge into the Pacific.  "I'd love to see this place at
dawn," Myra said suddenly.  "That is always such a forgiving time.
When that first cold, bright streak comes over the water, it's as
if all our sins were pardoned; as if the sky leaned over the earth
and kissed it and gave it absolution.  You know how the great
sinners always came home to die in some religious house, and the
abbot or the abbess went out and received them with a kiss?"

When we got home she was, of course, very tired.  Oswald was
waiting for us, and he and the driver carried her upstairs.  While
we were getting her into bed, the noise overhead broke out--tramp,
tramp, bang!  Myra began to cry.

"Oh, I've come back to it, to be tormented again!  I've two fatal
maladies, but it's those coarse creatures I shall die of.  Why
didn't you leave me out there, Nellie, in the wind and night?  You
ought to get me away from this, Oswald.  If I were on my feet, and
you laid low, I wouldn't let you be despised and trampled upon."

"I'll go up and see those people to-morrow, Mrs. Henshawe," I
promised.  "I'm sure I can do something."

"Oh, don't, Nellie!" she looked up at me in affright.  "She'd turn
a deaf ear to you.  You know the Bible says the wicked are deaf
like the adder.  And, Nellie, she has the wrinkled, white throat of
an adder, that woman, and the hard eyes of one.  Don't go near

(I went to see Mrs. Poindexter the next day, and she had just such
a throat and just such eyes.  She smiled, and said that the sick
woman underneath was an old story, and she ought to have been sent
to a sanatorium long ago.)

"Never mind, Myra.  I'll get you away from it yet.  I'll manage,"
Oswald promised as he settled the pillows under her.

She smoothed his hair.  "No, my poor Oswald, you'll never stagger
far under the bulk of me.  Oh, if youth but knew!"  She closed her
eyes and pressed her hands over them.  "It's been the ruin of us
both.  We've destroyed each other.  I should have stayed with my
uncle.  It was money I needed.  We've thrown our lives away."

"Come, Myra, don't talk so before Nellie.  You don't mean it.
Remember the long time we were happy.  That was reality, just as
much as this."

"We were never really happy.  I am a greedy, selfish, worldly
woman; I wanted success and a place in the world.  Now I'm old and
ill and a fright, but among my own kind I'd still have my circle;
I'd have courtesy from people of gentle manners, and not have my
brains beaten out by hoodlums.  Go away, please, both of you, and
leave me!"  She turned her face to the wall and covered her head.

We stepped into the hall, and the moment we closed the door we
heard the bolt slip behind us.  She must have sprung up very
quickly.  Oswald walked with me to my room.  "It's apt to be like
this, when she has enjoyed something and gone beyond her strength.
There are times when she can't have anyone near her.  It was worse
before you came."

I persuaded him to come into my room and sit down and drink a glass
of cordial.

"Sometimes she has locked me out for days together," he said.  "It
seems strange--a woman of such generous friendships.  It's as if
she had used up that part of herself.  It's a great strain on me
when she shuts herself up like that.  I'm afraid she'll harm
herself in some way."

"But people don't do things like that," I said hopelessly.

He smiled and straightened his shoulders.  "Ah, but she isn't
people!  She's Molly Driscoll, and there was never anybody else
like her.  She can't endure, but she has enough desperate courage
for a regiment."


The next morning I saw Henshawe breakfasting in the restaurant,
against his custom, so I judged that his wife was still in retreat.
I was glad to see that he was not alone, but was talking, with
evident pleasure, to a young girl who lived with her mother at this
hotel.  I had noticed her respectful admiration for Henshawe on
other occasions.  She worked on a newspaper, was intelligent and,
Oswald thought, promising.  We enjoyed talking with her at lunch or
dinner.  She was perhaps eighteen, overgrown and awkward, with
short hair and a rather heavy face; but there was something unusual
about her clear, honest eyes that made one wonder.  She was always
on the watch to catch a moment with Oswald, to get him to talk to
her about music, or German poetry, or about the actors and writers
he had known.  He called her his little chum, and her admiration
was undoubtedly a help to him.  It was very pretty and nave.
Perhaps that was one of the things that kept him up to the mark in
his dress and manner.  Among people he never looked apologetic or
crushed.  He still wore his topaz sleeve-buttons.

On Monday, as I came home from school, I saw that the door of Mrs.
Henshawe's room was slightly ajar.  She knew my step and called to
me:  "Can you come in, Nellie?"

She was staying in bed that afternoon, but she had on her best
dressing-gown, and she was manicuring her neat little hands--a good
sign, I thought.

"Could you stop and have tea with me, and talk?  I'll be good to-
day, I promise you.  I wakened up in the night crying, and it did
me good.  You see, I was crying about things I never feel now; I'd
been dreaming I was young, and the sorrows of youth had set me
crying!"  She took my hand as I sat down beside her.  "Do you know
that poem of Heine's, about how he found in his eye a tear that was
not of the present, an old one, left over from the kind he used to
weep?  A tear that belonged to a long dead time of his life and was
an anachronism.  He couldn't account for it, yet there it was, and
he addresses it so prettily:  'Thou old, lonesome tear!'  Would you
read it for me?  There's my little Heine, on the shelf over the
sofa.  You can easily find the verse, Du alte, einsame Thrne!"

I ran through the volume, reading a poem here and there where a
leaf had been turned down, or where I saw a line I knew well.  It
was a fat old book, with yellow pages, bound in tooled leather, and
on the fly-leaf, in faint violet ink, was an inscription, "To Myra
Driscoll from Oswald," dated 1876.

My friend lay still, with her eyes closed, and occasionally one of
those anachronistic tears gathered on her lashes and fell on the
pillow, making a little grey spot.  Often she took the verse out of
my mouth and finished it herself.

"Look for a little short one, about the flower that grows on the
suicide's grave, die Armesnderblum', the poor-sinner's-flower.
Oh, that's the flower for me, Nellie; die Arme--snder--blum'!"
She drew the word out until it was a poem in itself.

"Come, dear," she said presently, when I put down the book, "you
don't really like this new verse that's going round, ugly lines
about ugly people and common feelings--you don't really?"

When I reminded her that she liked Walt Whitman, she chuckled
slyly.  "Does that save me?  Can I get into your new Parnassus on
that dirty old man?  I suppose I ought to be glad of any sort of
ticket at my age!  I like naughty rhymes, when they don't try to be
pompous.  I like the kind bad boys write on fences.  My uncle had a
rare collection of such rhymes in his head that he'd picked off
fences and out-buildings.  I wish I'd taken them down; I might
become a poet of note!  My uncle was a very unusual man.  Did they
ever tell you much about him at home?  Yes, he had violent
prejudices; but that's rather good to remember in these days when
so few people have any real passions, either of love or hate.  He
would help a friend, no matter what it cost him, and over and over
again he risked ruining himself to crush an enemy.  But he never
did ruin himself.  Men who hate like that usually have the fist-
power to back it up, you'll notice.  He gave me fair warning, and
then he kept his word.  I knew he would; we were enough alike for
that.  He left his money wisely; part of it went to establish a
home for aged and destitute women in Chicago, where it was needed."

While we were talking about this institution and some of the
refugees it sheltered, Myra said suddenly:  "I wonder if you know
about a clause concerning me in that foundation?  It states that at
any time the founder's niece, Myra Driscoll Henshawe, is to be
received into the institution, kept without charge, and paid an
allowance of ten dollars a week for pocket money until the time of
her death.  How like the old Satan that was!  Be sure when he
dictated that provision to his lawyer, he thought to himself:
'She'd roll herself into the river first, the brach!'  And then he
probably thought better of me, and maybe died with some decent
feeling for me in his heart.  We were very proud of each other, and
if he'd lived till now, I'd go back to him and ask his pardon;
because I know what it is to be old and lonely and disappointed.
Yes, and because as we grow old we become more and more the stuff
our forbears put into us.  I can feel his savagery strengthen in
me.  We think we are so individual and so misunderstood when we are
young; but the nature our strain of blood carries is inside there,
waiting, like our skeleton."

It had grown quite dusk while we talked.  When I rose and turned on
one of the shrouded lights, Mrs. Henshawe looked up at me and
smiled drolly.  "We've had a fine afternoon, and Biddy forgetting
her ails.  How the great poets do shine on, Nellie!  Into all the
dark corners of the world.  They have no night."

They shone for her, certainly.  Miss Stirling, "a nice young person
from the library," as Myra called her, ran in occasionally with new
books, but Myra's eyes tired quickly, and she used to shut a new
book and lie back and repeat the old ones she knew by heart, the
long declamations from Richard II or King John.  As I passed her
door I would hear her murmuring at the very bottom of her rich
Irish voice:

Old John of Gaunt, time-honoured Lan-cas-ter . . .


One afternoon when I got home from school I found a note from Mrs.
Henshawe under my door, and went to her at once.  She greeted me
and kissed me with unusual gravity.

"Nellie, dear, will you do a very special favour for me to-morrow?
It is the fifteenth of April, the anniversary of Madame Modjeska's
death."  She gave me a key and asked me to open an old trunk in the
corner.  "Lift the tray, and in the bottom, at one end, you will
find an old pair of long kid gloves, tied up like sacks.  Please
give them to me."

I burrowed down under old evening wraps and dinner dresses and came
upon the gloves, yellow with age and tied at both ends with corset
lacings; they contained something heavy that jingled.  Myra was
watching my face and chuckled.  "Is she thinking they are my
wedding gloves, piously preserved?  No, my dear; I went before a
justice of the peace, and married without gloves, so to speak!"
Untying the string, she shook out a little rain of ten- and twenty-
dollar gold pieces.

"All old Irish women hide away a bit of money."  She took up a coin
and gave it to me.  "Will you go to St. Joseph's Church and inquire
for Father Fay; tell him you are from me, and ask him to celebrate
a mass to-morrow for the repose of the soul of Helena Modjeska,
Countess Bozenta-Chlapowska.  He will remember; last year I hobbled
there myself.  You are surprised, Nellie?  Yes, I broke with the
Church when I broke with everything else and ran away with a German
free-thinker; but I believe in holy words and holy rites all the
same.  It is a solace to me to know that to-morrow a mass will be
said here in heathendom for the spirit of that noble artist, that
beautiful and gracious woman."

When I put the gold back into the trunk and started making the tea,
she said:  "Oswald, of course, doesn't know the extent of my
resources.  We've often needed a hundred dollars or two so bitter
bad; he wouldn't understand.  But that is money I keep for
unearthly purposes; the needs of this world don't touch it."

As I was leaving she called me back:  "Oh, Nellie, can't we go to
Gloucester's cliff on Saturday, if it's fine?  I do long to!"

We went again, and again.  Nothing else seemed to give her so much
pleasure.  But the third time I stopped for her, she declared she
was not equal to it.  I found her sitting in her chair, trying to
write to an old friend, an Irish actress I had met at her apartment
in New York, one of the guests at that New Year's Eve party.  Her
son, a young actor, had shot himself in Chicago because of some
sordid love affair.  I had seen an account of it in the morning

"It touches me very nearly," Mrs. Henshawe told me.  "Why, I used
to keep Billy with me for weeks together when his mother was off on
tour.  He was the most truthful, noble-hearted little fellow.  I
had so hoped he would be happy.  You remember his mother?"

I remembered her very well--large and jovial and hearty she was.
Myra began telling me about her, and the son, whom she had not seen
since he was sixteen.

"To throw his youth away like that, and shoot himself at twenty-
three!  People are always talking about the joys of youth--but, oh,
how youth can suffer!  I've not forgotten; those hot southern
Illinois nights, when Oswald was in New York, and I had no word
from him except through Liddy, and I used to lie on the floor all
night and listen to the express trains go by.  I've not forgotten."

"Then I wonder why you are sometimes so hard on him now," I

Mrs. Henshawe did not reply to me at once.  The corners of her
mouth trembled, then drew tight, and she sat with her eyes closed
as if she were gathering herself for something.

At last she sighed, and looked at me wistfully.  "It's a great
pity, isn't it, Nellie, to reach out a grudging hand and try to
spoil the past for any one?  Yes, it's a great cruelty.  But I
can't help it.  He's a sentimentalist, always was; he can look back
on the best of those days when we were young and loved each other,
and make himself believe it was all like that.  It wasn't.  I was
always a grasping, worldly woman; I was never satisfied.  All the
same, in age, when the flowers are so few, it's a great unkindness
to destroy any that are left in a man's heart."  The tears rolled
down her cheeks, she leaned back, looking up at the ceiling.  She
had stopped speaking because her voice broke.  Presently she began
again resolutely.  "But I'm made so.  People can be lovers and
enemies at the same time, you know.  We were. . . .  A man and
woman draw apart from that long embrace, and see what they have
done to each other.  Perhaps I can't forgive him for the harm I did
him.  Perhaps that's it.  When there are children, that feeling
goes through natural changes.  But when it remains so personal . . .
something gives way in one.  In age we lose everything; even the
power to love."

"He hasn't," I suggested.

"He has asked you to speak for him, my dear?  Then we have
destroyed each other indeed!"

"Certainly he hasn't, Mrs. Myra!  But you are hard on him, you
know, and when there are so many hard things, it seems a pity."

"Yes, it's a great pity."  She drew herself up in her chair.  "And
I'd rather you didn't come any more for the time being, Nellie.
I've been thinking the tea made me nervous."  She was smiling, but
her mouth curled like a little snake, as I had seen it do long ago.
"Will you be pleased to take your things and go, Mrs. Casey?"  She
said it with a laugh, but a very meaning one.

As I rose I watched for some sign of relenting, and I said humbly
enough:  "Forgive me, if I've said anything I shouldn't.  You know
I love you very dearly."

She mockingly bowed her tyrant's head.  "It's owing to me
infirmities, dear Mrs. Casey, that I'll not be able to go as far as
me door wid ye."


For days after that episode I did not see Mrs. Henshawe at all.  I
saw Oswald at dinner in the restaurant every night, and he reported
her condition to me as if nothing had happened.  The short-haired
newspaper girl often came to our table, and the three of us talked
together.  I could see that he got great refreshment from her.  Her
questions woke pleasant trains of recollection, and her
straightforward affection was dear to him.  Once Myra, in telling
me that it was a pleasure to him to have me come into their lives
again thus, had remarked:  "He was always a man to feel women, you
know, in every way."  It was true.  That crude little girl made all
the difference in the world to him.  He was generous enough to
become quite light-hearted in directing her inexperience and her
groping hunger for life.  He even read her poor little "specials"
and showed her what was worst in them and what was good.  She took
correction well, he told me.

Early in June Mrs. Henshawe began to grow worse.  Her doctors told
us a malignant growth in her body had taken hold of a vital organ,
and that she would hardly live through the month.  She suffered
intense pain from pressure on the nerves in her back, and they gave
her opiates freely.  At first we had two nurses, but Myra hated the
night nurse so intensely that we dismissed her, and, as my school
was closed for the summer, I took turns with Oswald in watching
over her at night.  She needed little attention except renewed
doses of codeine.  She slept deeply for a few hours, and the rest
of the night lay awake, murmuring to herself long passages from her
old poets.

Myra kept beside her now an ebony crucifix with an ivory Christ.
It used to hang on the wall, and I had supposed she carried it
about because some friend had given it to her.  I felt now that she
had it by her for a different reason.  Once when I picked it up
from her bed to straighten her sheet, she put out her hand quickly
and said:  "Give it to me.  It means nothing to people who haven't

She talked very little after this last stage of her illness began;
she no longer complained or lamented, but toward Oswald her manner
became strange and dark.  She had certain illusions; the noise
overhead she now attributed entirely to her husband.  "Ah, there's
he's beginning it again," she would say.  "He'll wear me down in
the end.  Oh, let me be buried in the king's highway!"  When Oswald
lifted her, or did anything for her now, she was careful to thank
him in a guarded, sometimes a cringing tone.  "It's bitter enough
that I should have to take service from you--you whom I have loved
so well," I heard her say to him.

When she asked us to use candles for light during our watches, and
to have no more of the electric light she hated, she said
accusingly, at him rather than to him:  "At least let me die by
candlelight; that is not too much to ask."

Father Fay came to see her almost daily now.  His visits were long,
and she looked forward to them.  I was, of course, not in her room
when he was there, but if he met me in the corridor he stopped to
speak to me, and once he walked down the street with me talking of
her.  He was a young man, with a fresh face and pleasant eyes, and
he was deeply interested in Myra.  "She's a most unusual woman,
Mrs. Henshawe," he said when he was walking down the street beside

Then he added, smiling quite boyishly: "I wonder whether some of
the saints of the early Church weren't a good deal like her.  She's
not at all modern in her make-up, is she?"

During those days and nights when she talked so little, one felt
that Myra's mind was busy all the while--that it was even
abnormally active, and occasionally one got a clue to what occupied
it.  One night when I was giving her her codeine she asked me a

"Why is it, do you suppose, Nellie, that candles are in themselves
religious?  Not when they are covered by shades, of course--I mean
the flame of a candle.  Is it because the Church began in the
catacombs, perhaps?"

At another time, when she had been lying like a marble figure for a
long while, she said in a gentle, reasonable voice:

"Ah, Father Fay, that isn't the reason!  Religion is different from

She accented the word "seeking" very strongly, very deeply.  She
seemed to say that in other searchings it might be the object of
the quest that brought satisfaction, or it might be something
incidental that one got on the way; but in religion, desire was
fulfilment, it was the seeking itself that rewarded.

One of those nights of watching stands out in my memory as
embracing them all, as being the burden and telling the tale of
them all.  Myra had had a very bad day, so both Oswald and I were
sitting up with her.  After midnight she was quiet.  The candles
were burning as usual, one in her alcove.  From my chair by the
open window I could see her bed.  She had been motionless for more
than an hour, lying on her back, her eyes closed.  I thought she
was asleep.  The city outside was as still as the room in which we
sat.  The sick woman began to talk to herself, scarcely above a
whisper, but with perfect distinctness; a voice that was hardly
more than a soft, passionate breath.  I seemed to hear a soul

"I could bear to suffer . . . so many have suffered.  But why must
it be like this?  I have not deserved it.  I have been true in
friendship; I have faithfully nursed others in sickness. . . .  Why
must I die like this, alone with my mortal enemy?"

Oswald was sitting on the sofa, his face shaded by his hand.  I
looked at him in affright, but he did not move or shudder.  I felt
my hands grow cold and my forehead grow moist with dread.  I had
never heard a human voice utter such a terrible judgment upon all
one hopes for.  As I sat on through the night, after Oswald had
gone to catch a few hours of sleep, I grew calmer; I began to
understand a little what she meant, to sense how it was with her.
Violent natures like hers sometimes turn against themselves . . .
against themselves and all their idolatries.


On the following day Mrs. Henshawe asked to be given the Sacrament.
After she had taken it she seemed easier in mind and body.  In the
afternoon she told Henshawe to go to his office and begged me to
leave her and let her sleep.  The nurse we had sent away that day
at her urgent request.  She wanted to be cared for by one of the
nursing Sisters from the convent from now on, and Father Fay was to
bring one to-morrow.

I went to my room, meaning to go back to her in an hour, but once
on my bed I slept without waking.  It was dark when I heard
Henshawe knocking on my door and calling to me.  As I opened it, he
said in a despairing tone:  "She's gone, Nellie, she's gone!"

I thought he meant she had died.  I hurried after him down the
corridor and into her room.  It was empty.  He pointed to her empty
bed.  "Don't you see?  She has gone, God knows where!"

"But how could she?  A woman so ill?  She must be somewhere in the

"I've been all over the house.  You don't know her, Nellie.  She
can do anything she wills.  Look at this."

On the desk lay a sheet of note paper scribbled in lead pencil:
Dear Oswald:  My hour has come.  Don't follow me.  I wish to be
alone.  Nellie knows where there is money for masses.  That was
all.  There was no signature.

We hurried to the police station.  The chief sent a messenger out
to the men on the beat to warn them to be on the watch for a
distraught woman who had wandered out in delirium.  Then we went to
Father Fay.  "The Church has been on her mind for a long while,"
said Henshawe.  "It is one of her delusions that I separated her
from the Church.  I never meant to."

The young priest knew nothing.  He was distressed, and offered to
help us in our search, but we thought he had better stay at home on
the chance that she might come to him.

When we got back to the hotel it was after eleven o'clock.  Oswald
said he could not stay indoors; I must be there within call, but he
would go back to help the police.

After he left I began to search Mrs. Henshawe's room.  She had worn
her heavy coat and her furs, though the night was warm.  When I
found that the pair of Austrian blankets was missing, I felt I knew
where she had gone.  Should I try to get Oswald at the police
station?  I sat down to think it over.  It seemed to me that she
ought to be allowed to meet the inevitable end in the way she
chose.  A yearning strong enough to lift that ailing body and drag
it out into the world again should have its way.

At five o'clock in the morning Henshawe came back with an officer
and a Negro cabman.  The driver had come to the station and
reported that at six last night a lady, with her arms full of
wraps, had signalled him at the side door of the hotel, and told
him to drive her to the boat landing.  When they were nearing the
landing, she said she did not mean to stop there, but wanted to go
farther up the shore, giving him clear directions.  They reached
the cliff she had indicated.  He helped her out of the cab, put her
rugs under the tree for her, and she gave him a ten-dollar gold
piece and dismissed him.  He protested that the fare was too much,
and that he was afraid of getting into trouble if he left her
there.  But she told him a friend was going to meet her, and that
it would be all right.  The lady had, he said, a very kind, coaxing
way with her.  When he went to the stable to put up his horse, he
heard that the police were looking for a woman who was out of her
head, and he was frightened.  He went home and talked it over with
his wife, who sent him to report at head-quarters.

The cabman drove us out to the headland, and the officer insisted
upon going along.  We found her wrapped in her blankets, leaning
against the cedar trunk, facing the sea.  Her head had fallen
forward; the ebony crucifix was in her hands.  She must have died
peacefully and painlessly.  There was every reason to believe she
had lived to see the dawn.  While we watched beside her, waiting
for the undertaker and Father Fay to come, I told Oswald what she
had said to me about longing to behold the morning break over the
sea, and it comforted him.


Although she had returned so ardently to the faith of her
childhood, Myra Henshawe never changed the clause in her will,
which requested that her body should be cremated, and her ashes
buried "in some lonely and unfrequented place in the mountains, or
in the sea."

After it was all over, and her ashes sealed up in a little steel
box, Henshawe called me into her room one morning, where he was
packing her things, and told me he was going to Alaska.

"Oh, not to seek my fortune," he said, smiling.  "That is for young
men.  But the steamship company have a place for me in their office
there.  I have always wanted to go, and now there is nothing to
hold me.  This poor little box goes with me; I shall scatter her
ashes somewhere in those vast waters.  And this I want you to keep
for remembrance."  He dropped into my hands the necklace of carved
amethysts she had worn on the night I first saw her.

"And, Nellie--"  He paused before me with his arms folded, standing
exactly as he stood behind Modjeska's chair in the moonlight on
that New Year's night; standing like a statue, or a sentinel, I had
said then, not knowing what it was I felt in his attitude; but now
I knew it meant indestructible constancy . . . almost indestructible
youth.  "Nellie," he said, "I don't want you to remember her as she
was here.  Remember her as she was when you were with us on Madison
Square, when she was herself, and we were happy.  Yes, happier than
it falls to the lot of most mortals to be.  After she was stricken,
her recollection of those things darkened.  Life was hard for her,
but it was glorious, too; she had such beautiful friendships.  Of
course, she was absolutely unreasonable when she was jealous.  Her
suspicions were sometimes--almost fantastic."  He smiled and
brushed his forehead with the tips of his fingers, as if the memory
of her jealousy was pleasant still, and perplexing still.  "But that
was just Molly Driscoll!  I'd rather have been clawed by her, as she
used to say, than petted by any other woman I've ever known.  These
last years it's seemed to me that I was nursing the mother of the
girl who ran away with me.  Nothing ever took that girl from me.
She was a wild, lovely creature, Nellie.  I wish you could have seen
her then."

Several years after I said good-bye to him, Oswald Henshawe died in
Alaska.  I have still the string of amethysts, but they are
unlucky.  If I take them out of their box and wear them, I feel all
evening a chill over my heart.  Sometimes, when I have watched the
bright beginning of a love story, when I have seen a common feeling
exalted into beauty by imagination, generosity, and the flaming
courage of youth, I have heard again that strange complaint
breathed by a dying woman into the stillness of night, like a
confession of the soul:  "Why must I die like this, alone with my
mortal enemy!"

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My Mortal Enemy by Willa Cather

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