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Title: Pygmalion
Author: George Bernard Shaw



TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE: In the printed version of this text, all
apostrophes for contractions such as "can't", "wouldn't" and
"he'd" were omitted, to read as "cant", "wouldnt", and "hed".
This etext edition restores the omitted apostrophes.





PREFACE TO PYGMALION.

A Professor of Phonetics.

As will be seen later on, Pygmalion needs, not a preface, but a
sequel, which I have supplied in its due place. The English have
no respect for their language, and will not teach their children
to speak it. They spell it so abominably that no man can teach
himself what it sounds like. It is impossible for an Englishman
to open his mouth without making some other Englishman hate or
despise him. German and Spanish are accessible to foreigners:
English is not accessible even to Englishmen. The reformer
England needs today is an energetic phonetic enthusiast: that is
why I have made such a one the hero of a popular play. There have
been heroes of that kind crying in the wilderness for many years
past. When I became interested in the subject towards the end of
the eighteen-seventies, Melville Bell was dead; but Alexander J.
Ellis was still a living patriarch, with an impressive head
always covered by a velvet skull cap, for which he would
apologize to public meetings in a very courtly manner. He and
Tito Pagliardini, another phonetic veteran, were men whom it was
impossible to dislike. Henry Sweet, then a young man, lacked
their sweetness of character: he was about as conciliatory to
conventional mortals as Ibsen or Samuel Butler. His great ability
as a phonetician (he was, I think, the best of them all at his
job) would have entitled him to high official recognition, and
perhaps enabled him to popularize his subject, but for his
Satanic contempt for all academic dignitaries and persons in
general who thought more of Greek than of phonetics. Once, in the
days when the Imperial Institute rose in South Kensington, and
Joseph Chamberlain was booming the Empire, I induced the editor
of a leading monthly review to commission an article from Sweet
on the imperial importance of his subject. When it arrived, it
contained nothing but a savagely derisive attack on a professor of
language and literature whose chair Sweet regarded as proper to a
phonetic expert only. The article, being libelous, had to be
returned as impossible; and I had to renounce my dream of
dragging its author into the limelight. When I met him
afterwards, for the first time for many years, I found to my
astonishment that he, who had been a quite tolerably presentable
young man, had actually managed by sheer scorn to alter his
personal appearance until he had become a sort of walking
repudiation of Oxford and all its traditions. It must have been
largely in his own despite that he was squeezed into something
called a Readership of phonetics there. The future of phonetics
rests probably with his pupils, who all swore by him; but nothing
could bring the man himself into any sort of compliance with the
university, to which he nevertheless clung by divine right in an
intensely Oxonian way. I daresay his papers, if he has left any,
include some satires that may be published without too
destructive results fifty years hence. He was, I believe, not in
the least an ill-natured man: very much the opposite, I should
say; but he would not suffer fools gladly.

Those who knew him will recognize in my third act the allusion to
the patent Shorthand in which he used to write postcards, and
which may be acquired from a four and six-penny manual published
by the Clarendon Press. The postcards which Mrs. Higgins
describes are such as I have received from Sweet. I would
decipher a sound which a cockney would represent by zerr, and a
Frenchman by seu, and then write demanding with some heat what on
earth it meant. Sweet, with boundless contempt for my stupidity,
would reply that it not only meant but obviously was the word
Result, as no other Word containing that sound, and capable of
making sense with the context, existed in any language spoken on
earth. That less expert mortals should require fuller indications
was beyond Sweet's patience. Therefore, though the whole point of
his "Current Shorthand" is that it can express every sound in the
language perfectly, vowels as well as consonants, and that your
hand has to make no stroke except the easy and current ones with
which you write m, n, and u, l, p, and q, scribbling them at
whatever angle comes easiest to you, his unfortunate
determination to make this remarkable and quite legible script
serve also as a Shorthand reduced it in his own practice to the
most inscrutable of cryptograms. His true objective was the
provision of a full, accurate, legible script for our noble but
ill-dressed language; but he was led past that by his contempt
for the popular Pitman system of Shorthand, which he called the
Pitfall system. The triumph of Pitman was a triumph of business
organization: there was a weekly paper to persuade you to learn
Pitman: there were cheap textbooks and exercise books and
transcripts of speeches for you to copy, and schools where
experienced teachers coached you up to the necessary proficiency.
Sweet could not organize his market in that fashion. He might as
well have been the Sybil who tore up the leaves of prophecy that
nobody would attend to. The four and six-penny manual, mostly in
his lithographed handwriting, that was never vulgarly advertized,
may perhaps some day be taken up by a syndicate and pushed upon
the public as The Times pushed the Encyclopaedia Britannica; but
until then it will certainly not prevail against Pitman. I have
bought three copies of it during my lifetime; and I am informed
by the publishers that its cloistered existence is still a steady
and healthy one. I actually learned the system two several times;
and yet the shorthand in which I am writing these lines is
Pitman's. And the reason is, that my secretary cannot transcribe
Sweet, having been perforce taught in the schools of Pitman.
Therefore, Sweet railed at Pitman as vainly as Thersites railed
at Ajax: his raillery, however it may have eased his soul, gave
no popular vogue to Current Shorthand. Pygmalion Higgins is not a
portrait of Sweet, to whom the adventure of Eliza Doolittle would
have been impossible; still, as will be seen, there are touches
of Sweet in the play. With Higgins's physique and temperament
Sweet might have set the Thames on fire. As it was, he impressed
himself professionally on Europe to an extent that made his
comparative personal obscurity, and the failure of Oxford to do
justice to his eminence, a puzzle to foreign specialists in his
subject. I do not blame Oxford, because I think Oxford is quite
right in demanding a certain social amenity from its nurslings
(heaven knows it is not exorbitant in its requirements!); for
although I well know how hard it is for a man of genius with a
seriously underrated subject to maintain serene and kindly
relations with the men who underrate it, and who keep all the
best places for less important subjects which they profess
without originality and sometimes without much capacity for them,
still, if he overwhelms them with wrath and disdain, he cannot
expect them to heap honors on him.

Of the later generations of phoneticians I know little. Among
them towers the Poet Laureate, to whom perhaps Higgins may owe
his Miltonic sympathies, though here again I must disclaim all
portraiture. But if the play makes the public aware that there
are such people as phoneticians, and that they are among the most
important people in England at present, it will serve its turn.

I wish to boast that Pygmalion has been an extremely successful
play all over Europe and North America as well as at home. It is
so intensely and deliberately didactic, and its subject is
esteemed so dry, that I delight in throwing it at the heads of
the wiseacres who repeat the parrot cry that art should never be
didactic. It goes to prove my contention that art should never be
anything else.

Finally, and for the encouragement of people troubled with
accents that cut them off from all high employment, I may add
that the change wrought by Professor Higgins in the flower girl
is neither impossible nor uncommon. The modern concierge's
daughter who fulfils her ambition by playing the Queen of Spain
in Ruy Blas at the Theatre Francais is only one of many thousands
of men and women who have sloughed off their native dialects and
acquired a new tongue. But the thing has to be done
scientifically, or the last state of the aspirant may be worse
than the first. An honest and natural slum dialect is more
tolerable than the attempt of a phonetically untaught person to
imitate the vulgar dialect of the golf club; and I am sorry to
say that in spite of the efforts of our Academy of Dramatic Art,
there is still too much sham golfing English on our stage, and
too little of the noble English of Forbes Robertson.




ACT I

Covent Garden at 11.15 p.m. Torrents of heavy summer rain. Cab
whistles blowing frantically in all directions. Pedestrians
running for shelter into the market and under the portico of St.
Paul's Church, where there are already several people, among them
a lady and her daughter in evening dress. They are all peering
out gloomily at the rain, except one man with his back turned to
the rest, who seems wholly preoccupied with a notebook in which
he is writing busily.

The church clock strikes the first quarter.

THE DAUGHTER [in the space between the central pillars, close to
the one on her left] I'm getting chilled to the bone. What can
Freddy be doing all this time? He's been gone twenty minutes.

THE MOTHER [on her daughter's right] Not so long. But he ought to
have got us a cab by this.

A BYSTANDER [on the lady's right] He won't get no cab not until
half-past eleven, missus, when they come back after dropping
their theatre fares.

THE MOTHER. But we must have a cab. We can't stand here until
half-past eleven. It's too bad.

THE BYSTANDER. Well, it ain't my fault, missus.

THE DAUGHTER. If Freddy had a bit of gumption, he would have got
one at the theatre door.

THE MOTHER. What could he have done, poor boy?

THE DAUGHTER. Other people got cabs. Why couldn't he?

Freddy rushes in out of the rain from the Southampton Street
side, and comes between them closing a dripping umbrella. He is a
young man of twenty, in evening dress, very wet around the
ankles.

THE DAUGHTER. Well, haven't you got a cab?

FREDDY. There's not one to be had for love or money.

THE MOTHER. Oh, Freddy, there must be one. You can't have tried.

THE DAUGHTER. It's too tiresome. Do you expect us to go and get
one ourselves?

FREDDY. I tell you they're all engaged. The rain was so sudden:
nobody was prepared; and everybody had to take a cab. I've been
to Charing Cross one way and nearly to Ludgate Circus the other;
and they were all engaged.

THE MOTHER. Did you try Trafalgar Square?

FREDDY. There wasn't one at Trafalgar Square.

THE DAUGHTER. Did you try?

FREDDY. I tried as far as Charing Cross Station. Did you expect
me to walk to Hammersmith?

THE DAUGHTER. You haven't tried at all.

THE MOTHER. You really are very helpless, Freddy. Go again; and
don't come back until you have found a cab.

FREDDY. I shall simply get soaked for nothing.

THE DAUGHTER. And what about us? Are we to stay here all night in
this draught, with next to nothing on. You selfish pig--

FREDDY. Oh, very well: I'll go, I'll go. [He opens his umbrella
and dashes off Strandwards, but comes into
collision with a flower girl, who is hurrying in for shelter,
knocking her basket out of her hands. A blinding flash of
lightning, followed instantly by a rattling peal of thunder,
orchestrates the incident]

THE FLOWER GIRL. Nah then, Freddy: look wh' y' gowin, deah.

FREDDY. Sorry [he rushes off].

THE FLOWER GIRL [picking up her scattered flowers and replacing
them in the basket] There's menners f' yer! Te-oo banches o
voylets trod into the mad. [She sits down on the plinth of the
column, sorting her flowers, on the lady's right. She is not at
all an attractive person. She is perhaps eighteen, perhaps
twenty, hardly older. She wears a little sailor hat of black
straw that has long been exposed to the dust and soot of London
and has seldom if ever been brushed. Her hair needs washing
rather badly: its mousy color can hardly be natural. She wears a
shoddy black coat that reaches nearly to her knees and is shaped
to her waist. She has a brown skirt with a coarse apron. Her
boots are much the worse for wear. She is no doubt as clean as
she can afford to be; but compared to the ladies she is very
dirty. Her features are no worse than theirs; but their condition
leaves something to be desired; and she needs the services of a
dentist].

THE MOTHER. How do you know that my son's name is Freddy, pray?

THE FLOWER GIRL. Ow, eez ye-ooa san, is e? Wal, fewd dan y'
de-ooty bawmz a mather should, eed now bettern to spawl a pore
gel's flahrzn than ran awy atbaht pyin. Will ye-oo py me f'them?
[Here, with apologies, this desperate attempt to represent her
dialect without a phonetic alphabet must be abandoned as
unintelligible outside London.]

THE DAUGHTER. Do nothing of the sort, mother. The idea!

THE MOTHER. Please allow me, Clara. Have you any pennies?

THE DAUGHTER. No. I've nothing smaller than sixpence.

THE FLOWER GIRL [hopefully] I can give you change for a tanner,
kind lady.

THE MOTHER [to Clara] Give it to me. [Clara parts reluctantly].
Now [to the girl] This is for your flowers.

THE FLOWER GIRL. Thank you kindly, lady.

THE DAUGHTER. Make her give you the change. These things are only
a penny a bunch.

THE MOTHER. Do hold your tongue, Clara. [To the girl].
You can keep the change.

THE FLOWER GIRL. Oh, thank you, lady.

THE MOTHER. Now tell me how you know that young gentleman's name.

THE FLOWER GIRL. I didn't.

THE MOTHER. I heard you call him by it. Don't try to deceive me.

THE FLOWER GIRL [protesting] Who's trying to deceive you? I
called him Freddy or Charlie same as you might yourself if you
was talking to a stranger and wished to be pleasant. [She sits
down beside her basket].

THE DAUGHTER. Sixpence thrown away! Really, mamma, you might have
spared Freddy that. [She retreats in disgust behind the pillar].

An elderly gentleman of the amiable military type rushes into
shelter, and closes a dripping umbrella. He is in the same plight
as Freddy, very wet about the ankles. He is in evening dress,
with a light overcoat. He takes the place left vacant by the
daughter's retirement.

THE GENTLEMAN. Phew!

THE MOTHER [to the gentleman] Oh, sir, is there any sign of its
stopping?

THE GENTLEMAN. I'm afraid not. It started worse than ever about
two minutes ago. [He goes to the plinth beside the flower girl;
puts up his foot on it; and stoops to turn down his trouser
ends].

THE MOTHER. Oh, dear! [She retires sadly and joins her daughter].

THE FLOWER GIRL [taking advantage of the military gentleman's
proximity to establish friendly relations with him]. If it's
worse it's a sign it's nearly over. So cheer up, Captain; and buy
a flower off a poor girl.

THE GENTLEMAN. I'm sorry, I haven't any change.

THE FLOWER GIRL. I can give you change, Captain,

THE GENTLEMEN. For a sovereign? I've nothing less.

THE FLOWER GIRL. Garn! Oh do buy a flower off me, Captain. I can
change half-a-crown. Take this for tuppence.

THE GENTLEMAN. Now don't be troublesome: there's a good girl.
[Trying his pockets] I really haven't any change--Stop: here's
three hapence, if that's any use to you [he retreats to the other
pillar].

THE FLOWER GIRL [disappointed, but thinking three halfpence
better than nothing] Thank you, sir.

THE BYSTANDER [to the girl] You be careful: give him a flower for
it. There's a bloke here behind taking down every blessed word
you're saying. [All turn to the man who is taking notes].

THE FLOWER GIRL [springing up terrified] I ain't done nothing
wrong by speaking to the gentleman. I've a right to sell flowers
if I keep off the kerb. [Hysterically] I'm a respectable girl: so
help me, I never spoke to him except to ask him to buy a flower
off me. [General hubbub, mostly sympathetic to the flower girl,
but deprecating her excessive sensibility. Cries of Don't start
hollerin. Who's hurting you? Nobody's going to touch you. What's
the good of fussing? Steady on. Easy, easy, etc., come from the
elderly staid spectators, who pat her comfortingly. Less patient
ones bid her shut her head, or ask her roughly what is wrong with
her. A remoter group, not knowing what the matter is, crowd in
and increase the noise with question and answer: What's the row?
What she do? Where is he? A tec taking her down. What! him? Yes:
him over there: Took money off the gentleman, etc. The flower
girl, distraught and mobbed, breaks through them to the
gentleman, crying mildly] Oh, sir, don't let him charge me. You
dunno what it means to me. They'll take away my character and
drive me on the streets for speaking to gentlemen. They--

THE NOTE TAKER [coming forward on her right, the rest crowding
after him] There, there, there, there! Who's hurting you, you
silly girl? What do you take me for?

THE BYSTANDER. It's all right: he's a gentleman: look at his
boots. [Explaining to the note taker] She thought you was a
copper's nark, sir.

THE NOTE TAKER [with quick interest] What's a copper's nark?

THE BYSTANDER [inept at definition] It's a--well, it's a copper's
nark, as you might say. What else would you call it? A sort of
informer.

THE FLOWER GIRL [still hysterical] I take my Bible oath I never
said a word--

THE NOTE TAKER [overbearing but good-humored] Oh, shut up, shut
up. Do I look like a policeman?

THE FLOWER GIRL [far from reassured] Then what did you take down
my words for? How do I know whether you took me down right? You
just show me what you've wrote about me. [The note taker opens
his book and holds it steadily under her nose, though the
pressure of the mob trying to read it over his shoulders would
upset a weaker man]. What's that? That ain't proper writing. I
can't read that.

THE NOTE TAKER. I can. [Reads, reproducing her pronunciation
exactly] "Cheer ap, Keptin; n' haw ya flahr orf a pore gel."

THE FLOWER GIRL [much  distressed] It's because I called him
Captain. I meant no harm. [To the gentleman] Oh, sir, don't let
him lay a charge agen me for a word like that. You--

THE GENTLEMAN. Charge! I make no charge. [To the note taker]
Really, sir, if you are a detective, you need not begin
protecting me against molestation by young women until I ask you.
Anybody could see that the girl meant no harm.

THE BYSTANDERS GENERALLY [demonstrating against police espionage]
Course they could. What business is it of yours? You mind your
own affairs. He wants promotion, he does. Taking down people's
words! Girl never said a word to him. What harm if she did? Nice
thing a girl can't shelter from the rain without being insulted,
etc., etc., etc. [She is conducted by the more sympathetic
demonstrators back to her plinth, where she resumes her seat and
struggles with her emotion].

THE BYSTANDER. He ain't a tec. He's a blooming busybody: that's
what he is. I tell you, look at his boots.

THE NOTE TAKER [turning on him genially] And how are all your
people down at Selsey?

THE BYSTANDER [suspiciously] Who told you my people come from
Selsey?

THE NOTE TAKER. Never you mind. They did. [To the girl] How do
you come to be up so far east? You were born in Lisson Grove.

THE FLOWER GIRL [appalled] Oh, what harm is there in my leaving
Lisson Grove? It wasn't fit for a pig to live in; and I had to
pay four-and-six a week. [In tears] Oh, boo--hoo--oo--

THE NOTE TAKER. Live where you like; but stop that noise.

THE GENTLEMAN [to the girl] Come, come! he can't touch you: you
have a right to live where you please.

A SARCASTIC BYSTANDER [thrusting himself between the note taker
and the gentleman] Park Lane, for instance. I'd like to go into
the Housing Question with you, I would.

THE FLOWER GIRL [subsiding into a brooding melancholy over her
basket, and talking very low-spiritedly to herself] I'm a good
girl, I am.

THE SARCASTIC BYSTANDER [not attending to her] Do you know where
_I_ come from?

THE NOTE TAKER [promptly] Hoxton.

Titterings. Popular interest in the note taker's
performance increases.

THE SARCASTIC ONE [amazed] Well, who said I didn't? Bly me! You
know everything, you do.

THE FLOWER GIRL [still nursing her sense of injury] Ain't no call
to meddle with me, he ain't.

THE BYSTANDER [to her] Of course he ain't. Don't you stand it
from him. [To the note taker] See here: what call have you to
know about people what never offered to meddle with you? Where's
your warrant?

SEVERAL BYSTANDERS [encouraged by this seeming point of law] Yes:
where's your warrant?

THE FLOWER GIRL. Let him say what he likes. I don't want to have
no truck with him.

THE BYSTANDER. You take us for dirt under your feet, don't you?
Catch you taking liberties with a gentleman!

THE SARCASTIC BYSTANDER. Yes: tell HIM where he come from if you
want to go fortune-telling.

THE NOTE TAKER. Cheltenham, Harrow, Cambridge, and India.

THE GENTLEMAN. Quite right. [Great laughter. Reaction in the note
taker's favor. Exclamations of He knows all about it. Told him
proper. Hear him tell the toff where he come from? etc.]. May I
ask, sir, do you do this for your living at a music hall?

THE NOTE TAKER. I've thought of that. Perhaps I shall some day.

The rain has stopped; and the persons on the outside of the crowd
begin to drop off.

THE FLOWER GIRL [resenting the reaction] He's no gentleman, he
ain't, to interfere with a poor girl.

THE DAUGHTER [out of patience, pushing her way rudely to the
front and displacing the gentleman, who politely retires to the
other side of the pillar] What on earth is Freddy doing? I shall
get pneumonia if I stay in this draught any longer.

THE NOTE TAKER [to himself, hastily making a note of her
pronunciation of "monia"] Earlscourt.

THE DAUGHTER [violently] Will you please keep your impertinent
remarks to yourself?

THE NOTE TAKER. Did I say that out loud? I didn't mean to. I beg
your pardon. Your mother's Epsom, unmistakeably.

THE MOTHER [advancing between her daughter and the note taker]
How very curious! I was brought up in Largelady Park, near Epsom.

THE NOTE TAKER [uproariously amused] Ha! ha! What a devil of a
name! Excuse me. [To the daughter] You want a cab, do you?

THE DAUGHTER. Don't dare speak to me.

THE MOTHER. Oh, please, please Clara. [Her daughter repudiates
her with an angry shrug and retires haughtily.] We should be so
grateful to you, sir, if you found us a cab. [The note taker
produces a whistle]. Oh, thank you. [She joins her daughter]. The
note taker blows a piercing blast.

THE SARCASTIC BYSTANDER. There! I knowed he was a
plain-clothes copper.

THE BYSTANDER. That ain't a police whistle: that's a sporting
whistle.

THE FLOWER GIRL [still preoccupied with her wounded feelings]
He's no right to take away my character. My character is the same
to me as any lady's.

THE NOTE TAKER. I don't know whether you've noticed it; but the
rain stopped about two minutes ago.

THE BYSTANDER. So it has. Why didn't you say so before? and us
losing our time listening to your silliness. [He walks off
towards the Strand].

THE SARCASTIC BYSTANDER. I can tell where you come from. You come
from Anwell. Go back there.

THE NOTE TAKER [helpfully] _H_anwell.

THE SARCASTIC BYSTANDER [affecting great distinction of speech]
Thenk you, teacher. Haw haw! So long [he touches his hat with
mock respect and strolls off].

THE FLOWER GIRL. Frightening people like that! How would he like
it himself.

THE MOTHER. It's quite fine now, Clara. We can walk to a motor
bus. Come. [She gathers her skirts above her ankles and hurries
off towards the Strand].

THE DAUGHTER. But the cab--[her mother is out of hearing]. Oh,
how tiresome! [She follows angrily].

All the rest have gone except the note taker, the
gentleman, and the flower girl, who sits arranging her basket,
and still pitying herself in murmurs.

THE FLOWER GIRL. Poor girl! Hard enough for her to live without
being worrited and chivied.

THE GENTLEMAN [returning to his former place on the note taker's
left] How do you do it, if I may ask?

THE NOTE TAKER. Simply phonetics. The science of speech. That's
my profession; also my hobby. Happy is the man who can make a
living by his hobby! You can spot an Irishman or a Yorkshireman
by his brogue. I can place any man within six miles. I can place
him within two miles in London. Sometimes within two streets.

THE FLOWER GIRL. Ought to be ashamed of himself, unmanly coward!

THE GENTLEMAN. But is there a living in that?

THE NOTE TAKER. Oh yes. Quite a fat one. This is an age of
upstarts. Men begin in Kentish Town with 80 pounds a year, and
end in Park Lane with a hundred thousand. They want to drop
Kentish Town; but they give themselves away every time they open
their mouths. Now I can teach them--

THE FLOWER GIRL. Let him mind his own business and leave a poor
girl--

THE NOTE TAKER [explosively] Woman: cease this detestable
boohooing instantly; or else seek the shelter of some other place
of worship.

THE FLOWER GIRL [with feeble defiance] I've a right to be here if
I like, same as you.

THE NOTE TAKER. A woman who utters such depressing and disgusting
sounds has no right to be anywhere--no right to live. Remember
that you are a human being with a soul and the divine gift of
articulate speech: that your native language is the language of
Shakespear and Milton and The Bible; and don't sit there crooning
like a bilious pigeon.

THE FLOWER GIRL [quite overwhelmed, and looking up at him in
mingled wonder and deprecation without daring to raise her head]
Ah--ah--ah--ow--ow--oo!

THE NOTE TAKER [whipping out his book] Heavens! what a sound! [He
writes; then holds out the book and reads, reproducing her vowels
exactly] Ah--ah--ah--ow--ow--ow--oo!

THE FLOWER GIRL [tickled by the performance, and laughing in
spite of herself] Garn!

THE NOTE TAKER. You see this creature with her kerbstone English:
the English that will keep her in the gutter to the end of her
days. Well, sir, in three months I could pass that girl off as a
duchess at an ambassador's garden party. I could even get her a
place as lady's maid or shop assistant, which requires better
English. That's the sort of thing I do for commercial
millionaires. And on the profits of it I do genuine scientific
work in phonetics, and a little as a poet on Miltonic lines.

THE GENTLEMAN. I am myself a student of Indian dialects; and--

THE NOTE TAKER [eagerly] Are you? Do you know Colonel Pickering,
the author of Spoken Sanscrit?

THE GENTLEMAN. I am Colonel Pickering. Who are you?

THE NOTE TAKER. Henry Higgins, author of Higgins's Universal
Alphabet.

PICKERING [with enthusiasm] I came from India to meet you.

HIGGINS. I was going to India to meet you.

PICKERING. Where do you live?

HIGGINS. 27A Wimpole Street. Come and see me tomorrow.

PICKERING. I'm at the Carlton. Come with me now and let's have a
jaw over some supper.

HIGGINS. Right you are.

THE FLOWER GIRL [to Pickering, as he passes her] Buy a flower,
kind gentleman. I'm short for my lodging.

PICKERING. I really haven't any change. I'm sorry [he goes away].

HIGGINS [shocked at girl's mendacity] Liar. You said you could
change half-a-crown.

THE FLOWER GIRL [rising in desperation] You ought to be stuffed
with nails, you ought. [Flinging the basket at his feet] Take the
whole blooming basket for sixpence.

The church clock strikes the second quarter.

HIGGINS [hearing in it the voice of God, rebuking him for his
Pharisaic want of charity to the poor girl] A reminder. [He
raises his hat solemnly; then throws a handful of money into the
basket and follows Pickering].

THE FLOWER GIRL [picking up a half-crown] Ah--ow--ooh! [Picking
up a couple of florins] Aaah--ow--ooh! [Picking up several coins]
Aaaaaah--ow--ooh! [Picking up a half-sovereign] Aasaaaaaaaaah--
ow--ooh!!!

FREDDY [springing out of a taxicab] Got one at last. Hallo! [To
the girl] Where are the two ladies that were here?

THE FLOWER GIRL. They walked to the bus when the rain stopped.

FREDDY. And left me with a cab on my hands. Damnation!

THE FLOWER GIRL [with grandeur] Never you mind, young man. I'm
going home in a taxi. [She sails off to the cab. The driver puts
his hand behind him and holds the door firmly shut against her.
Quite understanding his mistrust, she shows him her handful of
money]. Eightpence ain't no object to me, Charlie. [He grins and
opens the door]. Angel Court, Drury Lane, round the corner of
Micklejohn's oil shop. Let's see how fast you can make her hop
it. [She gets in and pulls the door to with a slam as the taxicab
starts].

FREDDY. Well, I'm dashed!




ACT II

Next day at 11 a.m.  Higgins's laboratory in Wimpole Street. It
is a room on the first floor, looking on the street, and was
meant for the drawing-room. The double doors are in the middle of
the back hall; and persons entering find in the corner to their
right two tall file cabinets at right angles to one another
against the walls. In this corner stands a flat writing-table, on
which are a phonograph, a laryngoscope, a row of tiny organ pipes
with a bellows, a set of lamp chimneys for singing flames with
burners attached to a gas plug in the wall by an indiarubber
tube, several tuning-forks of different sizes, a life-size image
of half a human head, showing in section the vocal organs, and a
box containing a supply of wax cylinders for the phonograph.

Further down the room, on the same side, is a fireplace, with a
comfortable leather-covered easy-chair at the side of the hearth
nearest the door, and a coal-scuttle. There is a clock on the
mantelpiece. Between the fireplace and the phonograph table is a
stand for newspapers.

On the other side of the central door, to the left of the
visitor, is a cabinet of shallow drawers. On it is a telephone
and the telephone directory. The corner beyond, and most of the
side wall, is occupied by a grand piano, with the keyboard at the
end furthest from the door, and a bench for the player extending
the full length of the keyboard. On the piano is a dessert dish
heaped with fruit and sweets, mostly chocolates.

The middle of the room is clear. Besides the easy chair, the
piano bench, and two chairs at the phonograph table, there is one
stray chair. It stands near the fireplace. On the walls,
engravings; mostly Piranesis and mezzotint portraits. No
paintings.

Pickering is seated at the table, putting down some cards and a
tuning-fork which he has been using. Higgins is standing up near
him, closing two or three file drawers which are hanging out. He
appears in the morning light as a robust, vital, appetizing sort
of man of forty or thereabouts, dressed in a professional-looking
black frock-coat with a white linen collar and black silk tie. He
is of the energetic, scientific type, heartily, even violently
interested in everything that can be studied as a scientific
subject, and careless about himself and other people, including
their feelings. He is, in fact, but for his years and size,
rather like a very impetuous baby "taking notice" eagerly and
loudly, and requiring almost as much watching to keep him out of
unintended mischief. His manner varies from genial bullying when
he is in a good humor to stormy petulance when anything goes
wrong; but he is so entirely frank and void of malice that he
remains likeable even in his least reasonable moments.

HIGGINS [as he shuts the last drawer] Well, I think that's the
whole show.

PICKERING. It's really amazing. I haven't taken half of it in,
you know.

HIGGINS. Would you like to go over any of it again?

PICKERING [rising and coming to the fireplace, where he plants
himself with his back to the fire] No, thank you; not now. I'm
quite done up for this morning.

HIGGINS [following him, and standing beside him on his left]
Tired of listening to sounds?

PICKERING. Yes. It's a fearful strain. I rather fancied myself
because I can pronounce twenty-four distinct vowel sounds; but
your hundred and thirty beat me. I can't hear a bit of difference
between most of them.

HIGGINS [chuckling, and going over to the piano to eat sweets]
Oh, that comes with practice. You hear no difference at first;
but you keep on listening, and presently you find they're all as
different as A from B. [Mrs. Pearce looks in: she is Higgins's
housekeeper] What's the matter?

MRS. PEARCE [hesitating, evidently perplexed] A young woman wants
to see you, sir.

HIGGINS. A young woman! What does she want?

MRS. PEARCE. Well, sir, she says you'll be glad to see her when
you know what she's come about. She's quite a common girl, sir.
Very common indeed. I should have sent her away, only I thought
perhaps you wanted her to talk into your machines. I hope I've
not done wrong; but really you see such queer people sometimes--
you'll excuse me, I'm sure, sir--

HIGGINS. Oh, that's all right, Mrs. Pearce. Has she an
interesting accent?

MRS. PEARCE. Oh, something dreadful, sir, really. I don't know
how you can take an interest in it.

HIGGINS [to Pickering] Let's have her up. Show her up, Mrs.
Pearce [he rushes across to his working table and picks out a
cylinder to use on the phonograph].

MRS. PEARCE [only half resigned to it] Very well, sir. It's for
you to say. [She goes downstairs].

HIGGINS. This is rather a bit of luck. I'll show you how I make
records. We'll set her talking; and I'll take it down first in
Bell's visible Speech; then in broad Romic; and then we'll get
her on the phonograph so that you can turn her on as often as you
like with the written transcript before you.

MRS. PEARCE [returning] This is the young woman, sir.

The flower girl enters in state. She has a hat with three ostrich
feathers, orange, sky-blue, and red. She has a nearly clean
apron, and the shoddy coat has been tidied a little. The pathos
of this deplorable figure, with its innocent vanity and
consequential air, touches Pickering, who has already
straightened himself in the presence of Mrs. Pearce. But as to
Higgins, the only distinction he makes between men and women is
that when he is neither bullying nor exclaiming to the heavens
against some featherweight cross, he coaxes women as a child
coaxes its nurse when it wants to get anything out of her.

HIGGINS [brusquely, recognizing her with unconcealed
disappointment, and at once, baby-like, making an intolerable
grievance of it] Why, this is the girl I jotted down last night.
She's no use: I've got all the records I want of the Lisson Grove
lingo; and I'm not going to waste another cylinder on it. [To the
girl] Be off with you: I don't want you.

THE FLOWER GIRL. Don't you be so saucy. You ain't heard what I
come for yet. [To Mrs. Pearce, who is waiting at the door for
further instruction] Did you tell him I come in a taxi?

MRS. PEARCE. Nonsense, girl! what do you think a gentleman like
Mr. Higgins cares what you came in?

THE FLOWER GIRL. Oh, we are proud! He ain't above giving lessons,
not him: I heard him say so. Well, I ain't come here to ask for
any compliment; and if my money's not good enough I can go
elsewhere.

HIGGINS. Good enough for what?

THE FLOWER GIRL. Good enough for ye--oo. Now you know, don't you?
I'm come to have lessons, I am. And to pay for em too: make no
mistake.

HIGGINS [stupent] WELL!!! [Recovering his breath with a gasp]
What do you expect me to say to you?

THE FLOWER GIRL. Well, if you was a gentleman, you might ask me
to sit down, I think. Don't I tell you I'm bringing you business?

HIGGINS. Pickering: shall we ask this baggage to sit down or
shall we throw her out of the window?

THE FLOWER GIRL [running away in terror to the piano, where she
turns at bay] Ah--ah--ah--ow--ow--ow--oo! [Wounded and
whimpering] I won't be called a baggage when I've offered to pay
like any lady.

Motionless, the two men stare at her from the other side of the
room, amazed.

PICKERING [gently] What is it you want, my girl?

THE FLOWER GIRL. I want to be a lady in a flower shop stead of
selling at the corner of Tottenham Court Road. But they won't
take me unless I can talk more genteel. He said he could teach
me. Well, here I am ready to pay him--not asking any favor--and
he treats me as if I was dirt.

MRS. PEARCE. How can you be such a foolish ignorant girl as to
think you could afford to pay Mr. Higgins?

THE FLOWER GIRL. Why shouldn't I? I know what lessons cost as
well as you do; and I'm ready to pay.

HIGGINS. How much?

THE FLOWER GIRL [coming back to him, triumphant] Now you're
talking! I thought you'd come off it when you saw a chance of
getting back a bit of what you chucked at me last night.
[Confidentially] You'd had a drop in, hadn't you?

HIGGINS [peremptorily] Sit down.

THE FLOWER GIRL. Oh, if you're going to make a compliment of it--

HIGGINS [thundering at her] Sit down.

MRS. PEARCE [severely] Sit down, girl. Do as you're told. [She
places the stray chair near the hearthrug between Higgins and
Pickering, and stands behind it waiting for the girl to sit
down].

THE FLOWER GIRL. Ah--ah--ah--ow--ow--oo! [She stands, half
rebellious, half bewildered].

PICKERING [very courteous] Won't you sit down?

LIZA [coyly] Don't mind if I do. [She sits down. Pickering
returns to the hearthrug].

HIGGINS. What's your name?

THE FLOWER GIRL. Liza Doolittle.

HIGGINS [declaiming gravely]
Eliza, Elizabeth, Betsy and Bess,
They went to the woods to get a birds nes':
PICKERING. They found a nest with four eggs in it:
HIGGINS.   They took one apiece, and left three in it.

They laugh heartily at their own wit.

LIZA. Oh, don't be silly.

MRS. PEARCE. You mustn't speak to the gentleman like that.

LIZA. Well, why won't he speak sensible to me?

HIGGINS. Come back to business. How much do you propose to pay me
for the lessons?

LIZA. Oh, I know what's right. A lady friend of mine gets French
lessons for eighteenpence an hour from a real French gentleman.
Well, you wouldn't have the face to ask me the same for teaching
me my own language as you would for French; so I won't give more
than a shilling. Take it or leave it.

HIGGINS [walking up and down the room, rattling his keys and his
cash in his pockets] You know, Pickering, if you consider a
shilling, not as a simple shilling, but as a percentage of this
girl's income, it works out as fully equivalent to sixty or
seventy guineas from a millionaire.

PICKERING. How so?

HIGGINS. Figure it out. A millionaire has about 150 pounds a day.
She earns about half-a-crown.

LIZA [haughtily] Who told you I only--

HIGGINS [continuing] She offers me two-fifths of her day's income
for a lesson. Two-fifths of a millionaire's income for a day
would be somewhere about 60 pounds. It's handsome. By George,
it's enormous! it's the biggest offer I ever had.

LIZA [rising, terrified] Sixty pounds! What are you talking
about? I never offered you sixty pounds. Where would I get--

HIGGINS. Hold your tongue.

LIZA [weeping] But I ain't got sixty pounds. Oh--

MRS. PEARCE. Don't cry, you silly girl. Sit down. Nobody is going
to touch your money.

HIGGINS. Somebody is going to touch you, with a broomstick, if
you don't stop snivelling. Sit down.

LIZA [obeying slowly] Ah--ah--ah--ow--oo--o! One would think you
was my father.

HIGGINS. If I decide to teach you, I'll be worse than two fathers
to you. Here [he offers her his silk handkerchief]!

LIZA. What's this for?

HIGGINS. To wipe your eyes. To wipe any part of your face that
feels moist. Remember: that's your handkerchief; and that's your
sleeve. Don't mistake the one for the other if you wish to become
a lady in a shop.

Liza, utterly bewildered, stares helplessly at him.

MRS. PEARCE. It's no use talking to her like that, Mr. Higgins:
she doesn't understand you. Besides, you're quite wrong: she
doesn't do it that way at all [she takes the handkerchief].

LIZA [snatching it] Here! You give me that handkerchief. He give
it to me, not to you.

PICKERING [laughing] He did. I think it must be regarded as her
property, Mrs. Pearce.

MRS. PEARCE [resigning herself] Serve you right, Mr. Higgins.

PICKERING. Higgins: I'm interested. What about the ambassador's
garden party? I'll say you're the greatest teacher alive if you
make that good. I'll bet you all the expenses of the experiment
you can't do it. And I'll pay for the lessons.

LIZA. Oh, you are real good. Thank you, Captain.

HIGGINS [tempted, looking at her] It's almost irresistible. She's
so deliciously low--so horribly dirty--

LIZA [protesting extremely] Ah--ah--ah--ah--ow--ow--oooo!!! I
ain't dirty: I washed my face and hands afore I come, I did.

PICKERING. You're certainly not going to turn her head with
flattery, Higgins.

MRS. PEARCE [uneasy] Oh, don't say that, sir: there's more ways
than one of turning a girl's head; and nobody can do it better
than Mr. Higgins, though he may not always mean it. I do hope,
sir, you won't encourage him to do anything foolish.

HIGGINS [becoming excited as the idea grows on him] What is life
but a series of inspired follies? The difficulty is to find them
to do. Never lose a chance: it doesn't come every day. I shall
make a duchess of this draggletailed guttersnipe.

LIZA [strongly deprecating this view of her] Ah--ah--ah--ow--ow--
oo!

HIGGINS [carried away] Yes: in six months--in three if she has a
good ear and a quick tongue--I'll take her anywhere and pass her
off as anything. We'll start today: now! this moment! Take her
away and clean her, Mrs. Pearce. Monkey Brand, if it won't come
off any other way. Is there a good fire in the kitchen?

MRS. PEARCE [protesting]. Yes; but--

HIGGINS [storming on] Take all her clothes off and burn them.
Ring up Whiteley or somebody for new ones. Wrap her up in brown
paper till they come.

LIZA. You're no gentleman, you're not, to talk of such things.
I'm a good girl, I am; and I know what the like of you are, I do.

HIGGINS. We want none of your Lisson Grove prudery here, young
woman. You've got to learn to behave like a duchess. Take her
away, Mrs. Pearce. If she gives you any trouble wallop her.

LIZA [springing up and running between Pickering and Mrs. Pearce
for protection] No! I'll call the police, I will.

MRS. PEARCE. But I've no place to put her.

HIGGINS. Put her in the dustbin.

LIZA. Ah--ah--ah--ow--ow--oo!

PICKERING. Oh come, Higgins! be reasonable.

MRS. PEARCE [resolutely] You must be reasonable, Mr. Higgins:
really you must. You can't walk over everybody like this.

Higgins, thus scolded, subsides. The hurricane is succeeded by a
zephyr of amiable surprise.

HIGGINS [with professional exquisiteness of modulation] I walk
over everybody! My dear Mrs. Pearce, my dear Pickering, I never
had the slightest intention of walking over anyone. All I propose
is that we should be kind to this poor girl. We must help her to
prepare and fit herself for her new station in life. If I did not
express myself clearly it was because I did not wish to hurt her
delicacy, or yours.

Liza, reassured, steals back to her chair.

MRS. PEARCE [to Pickering] Well, did you ever hear anything like
that, sir?

PICKERING [laughing heartily] Never, Mrs. Pearce: never.

HIGGINS [patiently] What's the matter?

MRS. PEARCE. Well, the matter is, sir, that you can't take a girl
up like that as if you were picking up a pebble on the beach.

HIGGINS. Why not?

MRS. PEARCE. Why not! But you don't know anything about her. What
about her parents? She may be married.

LIZA. Garn!

HIGGINS. There! As the girl very properly says, Garn! Married
indeed! Don't you know that a woman of that class looks a worn
out drudge of fifty a year after she's married.

LIZA. Who'd marry me?

HIGGINS [suddenly resorting to the most thrillingly beautiful low
tones in his best elocutionary style] By George, Eliza, the
streets will be strewn with the bodies of men shooting themselves
for your sake before I've done with you.

MRS. PEARCE. Nonsense, sir. You mustn't talk like that to her.

LIZA [rising and squaring herself determinedly] I'm going away.
He's off his chump, he is. I don't want no balmies teaching me.

HIGGINS [wounded in his tenderest point by her insensibility to
his elocution] Oh, indeed! I'm mad, am I? Very well, Mrs. Pearce:
you needn't order the new clothes for her. Throw her out.

LIZA [whimpering] Nah--ow. You got no right to touch me.

MRS. PEARCE. You see now what comes of being saucy. [Indicating
the door] This way, please.

LIZA [almost in tears] I didn't want no clothes. I wouldn't have
taken them [she throws away the handkerchief]. I can buy my own
clothes.

HIGGINS [deftly retrieving the handkerchief and intercepting her
on her reluctant way to the door] You're an ungrateful wicked
girl. This is my return for offering to take you out of the
gutter and dress you beautifully and make a lady of you.

MRS. PEARCE. Stop, Mr. Higgins. I won't allow it. It's you that
are wicked. Go home to your parents, girl; and tell them to take
better care of you.

LIZA. I ain't got no parents. They told me I was big enough to
earn my own living and turned me out.

MRS. PEARCE. Where's your mother?

LIZA. I ain't got no mother. Her that turned me out was my sixth
stepmother. But I done without them. And I'm a good girl, I am.

HIGGINS. Very well, then, what on earth is all this fuss about?
The girl doesn't belong to anybody--is no use to anybody but me.
[He goes to Mrs. Pearce and begins coaxing]. You can adopt her,
Mrs. Pearce: I'm sure a daughter would be a great amusement to
you. Now don't make any more fuss. Take her downstairs; and--

MRS. PEARCE. But what's to become of her? Is she to be paid
anything? Do be sensible, sir.

HIGGINS. Oh, pay her whatever is necessary: put it down in the
housekeeping book. [Impatiently] What on earth will she want with
money? She'll have her food and her clothes. She'll only drink if
you give her money.

LIZA [turning on him] Oh you are a brute. It's a lie: nobody ever
saw the sign of liquor on me. [She goes back to her chair and
plants herself there defiantly].

PICKERING [in good-humored remonstrance] Does it occur to you,
Higgins, that the girl has some feelings?

HIGGINS [looking critically at her] Oh no, I don't think so. Not
any feelings that we need bother about. [Cheerily] Have you,
Eliza?

LIZA. I got my feelings same as anyone else.

HIGGINS [to Pickering, reflectively] You see the difficulty?

PICKERING. Eh? What difficulty?

HIGGINS. To get her to talk grammar. The mere pronunciation is
easy enough.

LIZA. I don't want to talk grammar. I want to talk like a lady.

MRS. PEARCE. Will you please keep to the point, Mr. Higgins. I
want to know on what terms the girl is to be here. Is she to have
any wages? And what is to become of her when you've finished
your teaching? You must look ahead a little.

HIGGINS [impatiently] What's to become of her if I leave her in
the gutter? Tell me that, Mrs. Pearce.

MRS. PEARCE. That's her own business, not yours, Mr. Higgins.

HIGGINS. Well, when I've done with her, we can throw her back
into the gutter; and then it will be her own business again; so
that's all right.

LIZA. Oh, you've no feeling heart in you: you don't care for
nothing but yourself [she rises and takes the floor resolutely].
Here! I've had enough of this. I'm going [making for the door].
You ought to be ashamed of yourself, you ought.

HIGGINS [snatching a chocolate cream from the piano, his eyes
suddenly beginning to twinkle with mischief] Have some
chocolates, Eliza.

LIZA [halting, tempted] How do I know what might be in them? I've
heard of girls being drugged by the like of you.

Higgins whips out his penknife; cuts a chocolate in two; puts one
half into his mouth and bolts it; and offers her the other half.

HIGGINS. Pledge of good faith, Eliza. I eat one half you eat the
other.

[Liza opens her mouth to retort: he pops the half chocolate into
it]. You shall have boxes of them, barrels of them, every day.
You shall live on them. Eh?

LIZA [who has disposed of the chocolate after being nearly choked
by it] I wouldn't have ate it, only I'm too ladylike to take it
out of my mouth.

HIGGINS. Listen, Eliza. I think you said you came in a taxi.

LIZA. Well, what if I did? I've as good a right to take a taxi as
anyone else.

HIGGINS. You have, Eliza; and in future you shall have as many
taxis as you want. You shall go up and down and round the town in
a taxi every day. Think of that, Eliza.

MRS. PEARCE. Mr. Higgins: you're tempting the girl. It's not
right. She should think of the future.

HIGGINS. At her age! Nonsense! Time enough to think of the future
when you haven't any future to think of. No, Eliza: do as this
lady does: think of other people's futures; but never think of
your own. Think of chocolates, and taxis, and gold, and diamonds.

LIZA. No: I don't want no gold and no diamonds. I'm a good girl,
I am. [She sits down again, with an attempt at dignity].

HIGGINS. You shall remain so, Eliza, under the care of Mrs.
Pearce. And you shall marry an officer in the Guards, with a
beautiful moustache: the son of a marquis, who will disinherit
him for marrying you, but will relent when he sees your beauty
and goodness--

PICKERING. Excuse me, Higgins; but I really must interfere. Mrs.
Pearce is quite right. If this girl is to put herself in your
hands for six months for an experiment in teaching, she must
understand thoroughly what she's doing.

HIGGINS. How can she? She's incapable of understanding anything.
Besides, do any of us understand what we are doing? If we did,
would we ever do it?

PICKERING. Very clever, Higgins; but not sound sense. [To Eliza]
Miss Doolittle--

LIZA [overwhelmed] Ah--ah--ow--oo!

HIGGINS. There! That's all you get out of Eliza. Ah--ah--ow--oo!
No use explaining. As a military man you ought to know that. Give
her her orders: that's what she wants. Eliza: you are to live
here for the next six months, learning how to speak beautifully,
like a lady in a florist's shop. If you're good and do whatever
you're told, you shall sleep in a proper bedroom, and have lots
to eat, and money to buy chocolates and take rides in taxis. If
you're naughty and idle you will sleep in the back kitchen among
the black beetles, and be walloped by Mrs. Pearce with a
broomstick. At the end of six months you shall go to Buckingham
Palace in a carriage, beautifully dressed. If the King finds out
you're not a lady, you will be taken by the police to the Tower
of London, where your head will be cut off as a warning to other
presumptuous flower girls. If you are not found out, you shall
have a present of seven-and-sixpence to start life with as a lady
in a shop. If you refuse this offer you will be a most ungrateful
and wicked girl; and the angels will weep for you. [To Pickering]
Now are you satisfied, Pickering? [To Mrs. Pearce] Can I put it
more plainly and fairly, Mrs. Pearce?

MRS. PEARCE [patiently] I think you'd better let me speak to the
girl properly in private. I don't know that I can take charge of
her or consent to the arrangement at all. Of course I know you
don't mean her any harm; but when you get what you call
interested in people's accents, you never think or care what may
happen to them or you. Come with me, Eliza.

HIGGINS. That's all right. Thank you, Mrs. Pearce. Bundle her off
to the bath-room.

LIZA [rising reluctantly and suspiciously] You're a great bully,
you are. I won't stay here if I don't like. I won't let nobody
wallop me. I never asked to go to Bucknam Palace, I didn't. I was
never in trouble with the police, not me. I'm a good girl--

MRS. PEARCE. Don't answer back, girl. You don't understand the
gentleman. Come with me. [She leads the way to the door, and
holds it open for Eliza].

LIZA [as she goes out] Well, what I say is right. I won't go near
the king, not if I'm going to have my head cut off. If I'd
known what I was letting myself in for, I wouldn't have come
here. I always been a good girl; and I never offered to say a
word to him; and I don't owe him nothing; and I don't care; and I
won't be put upon; and I have my feelings the same as anyone
else--

Mrs. Pearce shuts the door; and Eliza's plaints are no longer
audible. Pickering comes from the hearth to the chair and sits
astride it with his arms on the back.

PICKERING. Excuse the straight question, Higgins. Are you a man
of good character where women are concerned?

HIGGINS [moodily] Have you ever met a man of good character where
women are concerned?

PICKERING. Yes: very frequently.

HIGGINS [dogmatically, lifting himself on his hands to the level
of the piano, and sitting on it with a bounce] Well, I haven't. I
find that the moment I let a woman make friends with me, she
becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damned nuisance. I
find that the moment I let myself make friends with a woman, I
become selfish and tyrannical. Women upset everything. When you
let them into your life, you find that the woman is driving at
one thing and you're driving at another.

PICKERING. At what, for example?

HIGGINS [coming off the piano restlessly] Oh, Lord knows! I
suppose the woman wants to live her own life; and the man wants
to live his; and each tries to drag the other on to the wrong
track. One wants to go north and the other south; and the result
is that both have to go east, though they both hate the east
wind. [He sits down on the bench at the keyboard]. So here I am,
a confirmed old bachelor, and likely to remain so.

PICKERING [rising and standing over him gravely] Come, Higgins!
You know what I mean. If I'm to be in this business I shall feel
responsible for that girl. I hope it's understood that no
advantage is to be taken of her position.

HIGGINS. What! That thing! Sacred, I assure you. [Rising to
explain] You see, she'll be a pupil; and teaching would be
impossible unless pupils were sacred. I've taught scores of
American millionairesses how to speak English: the best looking
women in the world. I'm seasoned. They might as well be blocks of
wood. I might as well be a block of wood. It's--

Mrs. Pearce opens the door. She has Eliza's hat in her hand.
Pickering retires to the easy-chair at the hearth and sits down.

HIGGINS [eagerly] Well, Mrs. Pearce: is it all right?

MRS. PEARCE [at the door] I just wish to trouble you with a word,
if I may, Mr. Higgins.

HIGGINS. Yes, certainly. Come in. [She comes forward]. Don't burn
that, Mrs. Pearce. I'll keep it as a curiosity. [He takes the
hat].

MRS. PEARCE. Handle it carefully, sir, please. I had to promise
her not to burn it; but I had better put it in the oven for a
while.

HIGGINS [putting it down hastily on the piano] Oh! thank you.
Well, what have you to say to me?

PICKERING. Am I in the way?

MRS. PEARCE. Not at all, sir. Mr. Higgins: will you please be
very particular what you say before the girl?

HIGGINS [sternly] Of course. I'm always particular about what I
say. Why do you say this to me?

MRS. PEARCE [unmoved] No, sir: you're not at all particular when
you've mislaid anything or when you get a little impatient. Now
it doesn't matter before me: I'm used to it. But you really must
not swear before the girl.

HIGGINS [indignantly] I swear! [Most emphatically] I never swear.
I detest the habit. What the devil do you mean?

MRS. PEARCE [stolidly] That's what I mean, sir. You swear a great
deal too much. I don't mind your damning and blasting, and what
the devil and where the devil and who the devil--

HIGGINS. Really! Mrs. Pearce: this language from your lips!

MRS. PEARCE [not to be put off]--but there is a certain word I
must ask you not to use. The girl has just used it herself
because the bath was too hot. It begins with the same letter as
bath. She knows no better: she learnt it at her mother's knee.
But she must not hear it from your lips.

HIGGINS [loftily] I cannot charge myself with having ever uttered
it, Mrs. Pearce. [She looks at him steadfastly. He adds, hiding
an uneasy conscience with a judicial air] Except perhaps in a
moment of extreme and justifiable excitement.

MRS. PEARCE. Only this morning, sir, you applied it to your
boots, to the butter, and to the brown bread.

HIGGINS. Oh, that! Mere alliteration, Mrs. Pearce, natural to a
poet.

MRS. PEARCE. Well, sir, whatever you choose to call it, I beg you
not to let the girl hear you repeat it.

HIGGINS. Oh, very well, very well. Is that all?

MRS. PEARCE. No, sir. We shall have to be very particular with
this girl as to personal cleanliness.

HIGGINS. Certainly. Quite right. Most important.

MRS. PEARCE. I mean not to be slovenly about her dress or untidy
in leaving things about.

HIGGINS [going to her solemnly] Just so. I intended to call your
attention to that [He passes on to Pickering, who is enjoying the
conversation immensely]. It is these little things that matter,
Pickering. Take care of the pence and the pounds will take care
of themselves is as true of personal habits as of money. [He
comes to anchor on the hearthrug, with the air of a man in an
unassailable position].

MRS. PEARCE. Yes, sir. Then might I ask you not to come down to
breakfast in your dressing-gown, or at any rate not to use it as
a napkin to the extent you do, sir. And if you would be so good
as not to eat everything off the same plate, and to remember not
to put the porridge saucepan out of your hand on the clean
tablecloth, it would be a better example to the girl. You know
you nearly choked yourself with a fishbone in the jam only last
week.

HIGGINS [routed from the hearthrug and drifting back to the
piano] I may do these things sometimes in absence of mind; but
surely I don't do them habitually. [Angrily] By the way: my
dressing-gown smells most damnably of benzine.

MRS. PEARCE. No doubt it does, Mr. Higgins. But if you will wipe
your fingers--

HIGGINS [yelling] Oh very well, very well: I'll wipe them in my
hair in future.

MRS. PEARCE. I hope you're not offended, Mr. Higgins.

HIGGINS [shocked at finding himself thought capable of an
unamiable sentiment] Not at all, not at all. You're quite right,
Mrs. Pearce: I shall be particularly careful before the girl. Is
that all?

MRS. PEARCE. No, sir. Might she use some of those Japanese
dresses you brought from abroad? I really can't put her back into
her old things.

HIGGINS. Certainly. Anything you like. Is that all?

MRS. PEARCE. Thank you, sir. That's all. [She goes out].

HIGGINS. You know, Pickering, that woman has the most
extraordinary ideas about me. Here I am, a shy, diffident sort of
man. I've never been able to feel really grown-up and tremendous,
like other chaps. And yet she's firmly persuaded that I'm an
arbitrary overbearing bossing kind of person. I can't account
for it.

Mrs. Pearce returns.

MRS. PEARCE. If you please, sir, the trouble's beginning already.
There's a dustman downstairs, Alfred Doolittle, wants to see you.
He says you have his daughter here.

PICKERING [rising] Phew! I say! [He retreats to the hearthrug].

HIGGINS [promptly] Send the blackguard up.

MRS. PEARCE. Oh, very well, sir. [She goes out].

PICKERING. He may not be a blackguard, Higgins.

HIGGINS. Nonsense. Of course he's a blackguard.

PICKERING. Whether he is or not, I'm afraid we shall have some
trouble with him.

HIGGINS [confidently] Oh no: I think not. If there's any trouble
he shall have it with me, not I with him. And we are sure to get
something interesting out of him.

PICKERING. About the girl?

HIGGINS. No. I mean his dialect.

PICKERING. Oh!

MRS. PEARCE [at the door] Doolittle, sir. [She admits Doolittle
and retires].

Alfred Doolittle is an elderly but vigorous dustman, clad in the
costume of his profession, including a hat with a back brim
covering his neck and shoulders. He has well marked and rather
interesting features, and seems equally free from fear and
conscience. He has a remarkably expressive voice, the result of a
habit of giving vent to his feelings without reserve. His present
pose is that of wounded honor and stern resolution.

DOOLITTLE [at the door, uncertain which of the two gentlemen is
his man] Professor Higgins?

HIGGINS. Here. Good morning. Sit down.

DOOLITTLE. Morning, Governor. [He sits down magisterially] I come
about a very serious matter, Governor.

HIGGINS [to Pickering] Brought up in Hounslow. Mother Welsh, I
should think. [Doolittle opens his mouth, amazed. Higgins
continues] What do you want, Doolittle?

DOOLITTLE [menacingly] I want my daughter: that's what I want.
See?

HIGGINS. Of course you do. You're her father, aren't you? You
don't suppose anyone else wants her, do you? I'm glad to see you
have some spark of family feeling left. She's upstairs. Take her
away at once.

DOOLITTLE [rising, fearfully taken aback] What!

HIGGINS. Take her away. Do you suppose I'm going to keep your
daughter for you?

DOOLITTLE [remonstrating] Now, now, look here, Governor.  Is this
reasonable? Is it fair to take advantage of a man like this? The
girl belongs to me. You got her. Where do I come in? [He sits
down again].

HIGGINS. Your daughter had the audacity to come to my house and
ask me to teach her how to speak properly so that she could get a
place in a flower-shop. This gentleman and my housekeeper have
been here all the time. [Bullying him] How dare you come here and
attempt to blackmail me? You sent her here on purpose.

DOOLITTLE [protesting] No, Governor.

HIGGINS. You must have. How else could you possibly know that she
is here?

DOOLITTLE. Don't take a man up like that, Governor.

HIGGINS. The police shall take you up. This is a plant--a plot to
extort money by threats. I shall telephone for the police [he
goes resolutely to the telephone and opens the directory].

DOOLITTLE. Have I asked you for a brass farthing? I leave it to
the gentleman here: have I said a word about money?

HIGGINS [throwing the book aside and marching down on Doolittle
with a poser] What else did you come for?

DOOLITTLE [sweetly] Well, what would a man come for? Be human,
governor.

HIGGINS [disarmed] Alfred: did you put her up to it?

DOOLITTLE. So help me, Governor, I never did. I take my Bible
oath I ain't seen the girl these two months past.

HIGGINS. Then how did you know she was here?

DOOLITTLE ["most musical, most melancholy"] I'll tell you,
Governor, if you'll only let me get a word in. I'm willing to
tell you. I'm wanting to tell you. I'm waiting to tell you.

HIGGINS. Pickering: this chap has a certain natural gift of
rhetoric. Observe the rhythm of his native woodnotes wild. "I'm
willing to tell you: I'm wanting to tell you: I'm waiting to tell
you." Sentimental rhetoric! That's the Welsh strain in him. It
also accounts for his mendacity and dishonesty.

PICKERING. Oh, PLEASE, Higgins: I'm west country myself. [To
Doolittle] How did you know the girl was here if you didn't send
her?

DOOLITTLE. It was like this, Governor. The girl took a boy in the
taxi to give him a jaunt. Son of her landlady, he is. He hung
about on the chance of her giving him another ride home. Well,
she sent him back for her luggage when she heard you was willing
for her to stop here. I met the boy at the corner of Long Acre
and Endell Street.

HIGGINS. Public house. Yes?

DOOLITTLE. The poor man's club, Governor: why shouldn't I?

PICKERING. Do let him tell his story, Higgins.

DOOLITTLE. He told me what was up. And I ask you, what was my
feelings and my duty as a father? I says to the boy, "You bring
me the luggage," I says--

PICKERING. Why didn't you go for it yourself?

DOOLITTLE. Landlady wouldn't have trusted me with it, Governor.
She's that kind of woman: you know. I had to give the boy a penny
afore he trusted me with it, the little swine. I brought it to
her just to oblige you like, and make myself agreeable. That's
all.

HIGGINS. How much luggage?

DOOLITTLE. Musical instrument, Governor. A few pictures, a trifle
of jewelry, and a bird-cage. She said she didn't want no clothes.
What was I to think from that, Governor? I ask you as a parent
what was I to think?

HIGGINS. So you came to rescue her from worse than death, eh?

DOOLITTLE [appreciatively: relieved at being understood] Just so,
Governor. That's right.

PICKERING. But why did you bring her luggage if you intended to
take her away?

DOOLITTLE. Have I said a word about taking her away? Have I now?

HIGGINS [determinedly] You're going to take her away, double
quick. [He crosses to the hearth and rings the bell].

DOOLITTLE [rising] No, Governor. Don't say that. I'm not the man
to stand in my girl's light. Here's a career opening for her, as
you might say; and--

Mrs. Pearce opens the door and awaits orders.

HIGGINS. Mrs. Pearce: this is Eliza's father. He has come to take
her away. Give her to him. [He goes back to the piano, with an
air of washing his hands of the whole affair].

DOOLITTLE. No. This is a misunderstanding. Listen here--

MRS. PEARCE. He can't take her away, Mr. Higgins: how can he? You
told me to burn her clothes.

DOOLITTLE. That's right. I can't carry the girl through the
streets like a blooming monkey, can I? I put it to you.

HIGGINS. You have put it to me that you want your daughter. Take
your daughter. If she has no clothes go out and buy her some.

DOOLITTLE [desperate] Where's the clothes she come in? Did I burn
them or did your missus here?

MRS. PEARCE. I am the housekeeper, if you please. I have sent for
some clothes for your girl. When they come you can take her away.
You can wait in the kitchen. This way, please.

Doolittle, much troubled, accompanies her to the door; then
hesitates; finally turns confidentially to Higgins.

DOOLITTLE. Listen here, Governor. You and me is men of the world,
ain't we?

HIGGINS. Oh! Men of the world, are we? You'd better go, Mrs.
Pearce.

MRS. PEARCE. I think so, indeed, sir. [She goes, with dignity].

PICKERING. The floor is yours, Mr. Doolittle.

DOOLITTLE [to Pickering] I thank you, Governor. [To Higgins, who
takes refuge on the piano bench, a little overwhelmed by the
proximity of his visitor; for Doolittle has a professional flavor
of dust about him]. Well, the truth is, I've taken a sort of
fancy to you, Governor; and if you want the girl, I'm not so set
on having her back home again but what I might be open to an
arrangement. Regarded in the light of a young woman, she's a fine
handsome girl. As a daughter she's not worth her keep; and so I
tell you straight. All I ask is my rights as a father; and you're
the last man alive to expect me to let her go for nothing; for I
can see you're one of the straight sort, Governor. Well, what's a
five pound note to you? And what's Eliza to me? [He returns to
his chair and sits down judicially].

PICKERING. I think you ought to know, Doolittle, that Mr.
Higgins's intentions are entirely honorable.

DOOLITTLE. Course they are, Governor. If I thought they wasn't,
I'd ask fifty.

HIGGINS [revolted] Do you mean to say, you callous rascal, that
you would sell your daughter for 50 pounds?

DOOLITTLE. Not in a general way I wouldn't; but to oblige a
gentleman like you I'd do a good deal, I do assure you.

PICKERING. Have you no morals, man?

DOOLITTLE [unabashed] Can't afford them, Governor. Neither could
you if you was as poor as me. Not that I mean any harm, you know.
But if Liza is going to have a bit out of this, why not me too?

HIGGINS [troubled] I don't know what to do, Pickering. There can
be no question that as a matter of morals it's a positive crime
to give this chap a farthing. And yet I feel a sort of rough
justice in his claim.

DOOLITTLE. That's it, Governor. That's all I say. A father's
heart, as it were.

PICKERING. Well, I know the feeling; but really it seems hardly
right--

DOOLITTLE. Don't say that, Governor. Don't look at it that way.
What am I, Governors both? I ask you, what am I? I'm one of the
undeserving poor: that's what I am. Think of what that means to a
man. It means that he's up agen middle class morality all the
time. If there's anything going, and I put in for a bit of it,
it's always the same story: "You're undeserving; so you can't
have it." But my needs is as great as the most deserving widow's
that ever got money out of six different charities in one week
for the death of the same husband. I don't need less than a
deserving man: I need more. I don't eat less hearty than him; and
I drink a lot more. I want a bit of amusement, cause I'm a
thinking man. I want cheerfulness and a song and a band when I
feel low. Well, they charge me just the same for everything as
they charge the deserving. What is middle class morality? Just an
excuse for never giving me anything. Therefore, I ask you, as two
gentlemen, not to play that game on me. I'm playing straight with
you. I ain't pretending to be deserving. I'm undeserving; and I
mean to go on being undeserving. I like it; and that's the truth.
Will you take advantage of a man's nature to do him out of the
price of his own daughter what he's brought up and fed and
clothed by the sweat of his brow until she's growed big enough to
be interesting to you two gentlemen? Is five pounds unreasonable?
I put it to you; and I leave it to you.

HIGGINS [rising, and going over to Pickering] Pickering: if we
were to take this man in hand for three months, he could choose
between a seat in the Cabinet and a popular pulpit in Wales.

PICKERING. What do you say to that, Doolittle?

DOOLITTLE. Not me, Governor, thank you kindly. I've heard all the
preachers and all the prime ministers--for I'm a thinking man and
game for politics or religion or social reform same as all the
other amusements--and I tell you it's a dog's life anyway you
look at it. Undeserving poverty is my line. Taking one station in
society with another, it's--it's--well, it's the only one that
has any ginger in it, to my taste.

HIGGINS. I suppose we must give him a fiver.

PICKERING. He'll make a bad use of it, I'm afraid.

DOOLITTLE. Not me, Governor, so help me I won't. Don't you be
afraid that I'll save it and spare it and live idle on it. There
won't be a penny of it left by Monday: I'll have to go to work
same as if I'd never had it. It won't pauperize me, you bet. Just
one good spree for myself and the missus, giving pleasure to
ourselves and employment to others, and satisfaction to you to
think it's not been throwed away. You couldn't spend it better.

HIGGINS [taking out his pocket book and coming between Doolittle
and the piano] This is irresistible. Let's give him ten. [He
offers two notes to the dustman].

DOOLITTLE. No, Governor. She wouldn't have the heart to spend
ten; and perhaps I shouldn't neither. Ten pounds is a lot of
money: it makes a man feel prudent like; and then goodbye to
happiness. You give me what I ask you, Governor: not a penny
more, and not a penny less.

PICKERING. Why don't you marry that missus of yours? I rather
draw the line at encouraging that sort of immorality.

DOOLITTLE. Tell her so, Governor: tell her so. I'm willing. It's
me that suffers by it. I've no hold on her. I got to be agreeable
to her. I got to give her presents. I got to buy her clothes
something sinful. I'm a slave to that woman, Governor, just
because I'm not her lawful husband. And she knows it too. Catch
her marrying me! Take my advice, Governor: marry Eliza while
she's young and don't know no better. If you don't you'll be
sorry for it after. If you do, she'll be sorry for it after; but
better you than her, because you're a man, and she's only a woman
and don't know how to be happy anyhow.

HIGGINS. Pickering: if we listen to this man another minute, we
shall have no convictions left. [To Doolittle] Five pounds I
think you said.

DOOLITTLE. Thank you kindly, Governor.

HIGGINS. You're sure you won't take ten?

DOOLITTLE. Not now. Another time, Governor.

HIGGINS [handing him a five-pound note] Here you are.

DOOLITTLE. Thank you, Governor. Good morning.

[He hurries to the door, anxious to get away with his booty. When
he opens it he is confronted with a dainty and exquisitely clean
young Japanese lady in a simple blue cotton kimono printed
cunningly with small white jasmine blossoms. Mrs. Pearce is with
her. He gets out of her way deferentially and apologizes]. Beg
pardon, miss.

THE JAPANESE LADY. Garn! Don't you know your own daughter?

DOOLITTLE   {exclaiming  Bly me! it's Eliza!
HIGGINS     {simul-      What's that! This!
PICKERING   {taneously   By Jove!

LIZA. Don't I look silly?

HIGGINS. Silly?

MRS. PEARCE [at the door] Now, Mr. Higgins, please don't say
anything to make the girl conceited about herself.

HIGGINS [conscientiously] Oh! Quite right, Mrs. Pearce. [To
Eliza] Yes: damned silly.

MRS. PEARCE. Please, sir.

HIGGINS [correcting himself] I mean extremely silly.

LIZA. I should look all right with my hat on. [She takes up her
hat; puts it on; and walks across the room to the fireplace with
a fashionable air].

HIGGINS. A new fashion, by George! And it ought to look horrible!

DOOLITTLE [with fatherly pride] Well, I never thought she'd clean
up as good looking as that, Governor. She's a credit to me, ain't
she?

LIZA. I tell you, it's easy to clean up here. Hot and cold water
on tap, just as much as you like, there is. Woolly towels, there
is; and a towel horse so hot, it burns your fingers. Soft brushes
to scrub yourself, and a wooden bowl of soap smelling like
primroses. Now I know why ladies is so clean. Washing's a treat
for them. Wish they saw what it is for the like of me!

HIGGINS. I'm glad the bath-room met with your approval.

LIZA. It didn't: not all of it; and I don't care who hears me say
it. Mrs. Pearce knows.

HIGGINS. What was wrong, Mrs. Pearce?

MRS. PEARCE [blandly] Oh, nothing, sir. It doesn't matter.

LIZA. I had a good mind to break it. I didn't know which way to
look. But I hung a towel over it, I did.

HIGGINS. Over what?

MRS. PEARCE. Over the looking-glass, sir.

HIGGINS. Doolittle: you have brought your daughter up too
strictly.

DOOLITTLE. Me! I never brought her up at all, except to give her
a lick of a strap now and again. Don't put it on me, Governor.
She ain't accustomed to it, you see: that's all. But she'll soon
pick up your free-and-easy ways.

LIZA. I'm a good girl, I am; and I won't pick up no free and easy
ways.

HIGGINS. Eliza: if you say again that you're a good girl, your
father shall take you home.

LIZA. Not him. You don't know my father. All he come here for was
to touch you for some money to get drunk on.

DOOLITTLE. Well, what else would I want money for? To put into
the plate in church, I suppose. [She puts out her tongue at him.
He is so incensed by this that Pickering presently finds it
necessary to step between them]. Don't you give me none of your
lip; and don't let me hear you giving this gentleman any of it
neither, or you'll hear from me about it. See?

HIGGINS. Have you any further advice to give her before you go,
Doolittle? Your blessing, for instance.

DOOLITTLE. No, Governor: I ain't such a mug as to put up my
children to all I know myself. Hard enough to hold them in
without that. If you want Eliza's mind improved, Governor, you do
it yourself with a strap. So long, gentlemen. [He turns to go].

HIGGINS [impressively] Stop. You'll come regularly to see your
daughter. It's your duty, you know. My brother is a clergyman;
and he could help you in your talks with her.

DOOLITTLE [evasively] Certainly. I'll come, Governor. Not just
this week, because I have a job at a distance. But later on you
may depend on me. Afternoon, gentlemen. Afternoon, ma'am. [He
takes off his hat to Mrs. Pearce, who disdains the salutation and
goes out. He winks at Higgins, thinking him probably a fellow
sufferer from Mrs. Pearce's difficult disposition, and follows
her].

LIZA. Don't you believe the old liar. He'd as soon you set a
bull-dog on him as a clergyman. You won't see him again in a
hurry.

HIGGINS. I don't want to, Eliza. Do you?

LIZA. Not me. I don't want never to see him again, I don't. He's
a disgrace to me, he is, collecting dust, instead of working at
his trade.

PICKERING. What is his trade, Eliza?

LIZA. Talking money out of other people's pockets into his own.
His proper trade's a navvy; and he works at it sometimes too--for
exercise--and earns good money at it. Ain't you going to call me
Miss Doolittle any more?

PICKERING. I beg your pardon, Miss Doolittle. It was a slip of
the tongue.

LIZA. Oh, I don't mind; only it sounded so genteel. I should just
like to take a taxi to the corner of Tottenham Court Road and get
out there and tell it to wait for me, just to put the girls in
their place a bit. I wouldn't speak to them, you know.

PICKERING. Better wait til we get you something really
fashionable.

HIGGINS. Besides, you shouldn't cut your old friends now that you
have risen in the world. That's what we call snobbery.

LIZA. You don't call the like of them my friends now, I should
hope. They've took it out of me often enough with their ridicule
when they had the chance; and now I mean to get a bit of my own
back. But if I'm to have fashionable clothes, I'll wait. I should
like to have some. Mrs. Pearce says you're going to give me some
to wear in bed at night different to what I wear in the daytime;
but it do seem a waste of money when you could get something to
show. Besides, I never could fancy changing into cold things on a
winter night.

MRS. PEARCE [coming back] Now, Eliza. The new things have come
for you to try on.

LIZA. Ah--ow--oo--ooh! [She rushes out].

MRS. PEARCE [following her] Oh, don't rush about like that, girl
[She shuts the door behind her].

HIGGINS. Pickering: we have taken on a stiff job.

PICKERING [with conviction] Higgins: we have.




ACT III

It is Mrs. Higgins's at-home day. Nobody has yet arrived. Her
drawing-room, in a flat on Chelsea embankment, has three windows
looking on the river; and the ceiling is not so lofty as it would
be in an older house of the same pretension. The windows are
open, giving access to a balcony with flowers in pots. If you
stand with your face to the windows, you have the fireplace on
your left and the door in the right-hand wall close to the corner
nearest the windows.

Mrs. Higgins was brought up on Morris and Burne Jones; and her
room, which is very unlike her son's room in Wimpole Street, is
not crowded with furniture and little tables and nicknacks. In
the middle of the room there is a big ottoman; and this, with the
carpet, the Morris wall-papers, and the Morris chintz window
curtains and brocade covers of the ottoman and its cushions,
supply all the ornament, and are much too handsome to be hidden
by odds and ends of useless things. A few good oil-paintings from
the exhibitions in the Grosvenor Gallery thirty years ago (the
Burne Jones, not the Whistler side of them) are on the walls. The
only landscape is a Cecil Lawson on the scale of a Rubens. There
is a portrait of Mrs. Higgins as she was when she defied fashion
in her youth in one of the beautiful Rossettian costumes which,
when caricatured by people who did not understand, led to the
absurdities of popular estheticism in the eighteen-seventies.

In the corner diagonally opposite the door Mrs. Higgins, now over
sixty and long past taking the trouble to dress out of the
fashion, sits writing at an elegantly simple writing-table with a
bell button within reach of her hand. There is a Chippendale
chair further back in the room between her and the window nearest
her side. At the other side of the room, further forward, is an
Elizabethan chair roughly carved in the taste of Inigo Jones. On
the same side a piano in a decorated case. The corner between the
fireplace and the window is occupied by a divan cushioned in
Morris chintz.

It is between four and five in the afternoon.

The door is opened violently; and Higgins enters with his hat on.

MRS. HIGGINS [dismayed] Henry [scolding him]! What are you doing
here to-day? It is my at home day: you promised not to come. [As
he bends to kiss her, she takes his hat off, and presents it to
him].

HIGGINS. Oh bother! [He throws the hat down on the table].

MRS. HIGGINS. Go home at once.

HIGGINS [kissing her] I know, mother. I came on purpose.

MRS. HIGGINS. But you mustn't. I'm serious, Henry. You offend all
my friends: they stop coming whenever they meet you.

HIGGINS. Nonsense! I know I have no small talk; but people don't
mind. [He sits on the settee].

MRS. HIGGINS. Oh! don't they? Small talk indeed! What about your
large talk? Really, dear, you mustn't stay.

HIGGINS. I must. I've a job for you. A phonetic job.

MRS. HIGGINS. No use, dear. I'm sorry; but I can't get round your
vowels; and though I like to get pretty postcards in your patent
shorthand, I always have to read the copies in ordinary writing
you so thoughtfully send me.

HIGGINS. Well, this isn't a phonetic job.

MRS. HIGGINS. You said it was.

HIGGINS. Not your part of it. I've picked up a girl.

MRS. HIGGINS. Does that mean that some girl has picked you up?

HIGGINS. Not at all. I don't mean a love affair.

MRS. HIGGINS. What a pity!

HIGGINS. Why?

MRS. HIGGINS. Well, you never fall in love with anyone under
forty-five. When will you discover that there are some rather
nice-looking young women about?

HIGGINS. Oh, I can't be bothered with young women. My idea of a
loveable woman is something as like you as possible. I shall
never get into the way of seriously liking young women: some
habits lie too deep to be changed. [Rising abruptly and walking
about, jingling his money and his keys in his trouser pockets]
Besides, they're all idiots.

MRS. HIGGINS. Do you know what you would do if you really loved
me, Henry?

HIGGINS. Oh bother! What? Marry, I suppose?

MRS. HIGGINS. No. Stop fidgeting and take your hands out of your
pockets. [With a gesture of despair, he obeys and sits down
again]. That's a good boy. Now tell me about the girl.

HIGGINS. She's coming to see you.

MRS. HIGGINS. I don't remember asking her.

HIGGINS. You didn't. I asked her. If you'd known her you wouldn't
have asked her.

MRS. HIGGINS. Indeed! Why?

HIGGINS. Well, it's like this. She's a common flower girl. I
picked her off the kerbstone.

MRS. HIGGINS. And invited her to my at-home!

HIGGINS [rising and coming to her to coax her] Oh, that'll be all
right. I've taught her to speak properly; and she has strict
orders as to her behavior. She's to keep to two subjects: the
weather and everybody's health--Fine day and How do you do, you
know--and not to let herself go on things in general. That will
be safe.

MRS. HIGGINS. Safe! To talk about our health! about our insides!
perhaps about our outsides! How could you be so silly, Henry?

HIGGINS [impatiently] Well, she must talk about something. [He
controls himself and sits down again]. Oh, she'll be all right:
don't you fuss. Pickering is in it with me. I've a sort of bet on
that I'll pass her off as a duchess in six months. I started on
her some months ago; and she's getting on like a house on fire. I
shall win my bet. She has a quick ear; and she's been easier to
teach than my middle-class pupils because she's had to learn a
complete new language. She talks English almost as you talk
French.

MRS. HIGGINS. That's satisfactory, at all events.

HIGGINS. Well, it is and it isn't.

MRS. HIGGINS. What does that mean?

HIGGINS. You see, I've got her pronunciation all right; but you
have to consider not only how a girl pronounces, but what she
pronounces; and that's where--

They are interrupted by the parlor-maid, announcing guests.

THE PARLOR-MAID. Mrs. and Miss Eynsford Hill. [She withdraws].

HIGGINS. Oh Lord! [He rises; snatches his hat from the table; and
makes for the door; but before he reaches it his mother
introduces him].

Mrs. and Miss Eynsford Hill are the mother and daughter who
sheltered from the rain in Covent Garden. The mother is well
bred, quiet, and has the habitual anxiety of straitened means.
The daughter has acquired a gay air of being very much at home in
society: the bravado of genteel poverty.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL [to Mrs. Higgins] How do you do? [They shake
hands].

MISS EYNSFORD HILL. How d'you do? [She shakes].

MRS. HIGGINS [introducing] My son Henry.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL. Your celebrated son! I have so longed to meet
you, Professor Higgins.

HIGGINS [glumly, making no movement in her direction] Delighted.
[He backs against the piano and bows brusquely].

Miss EYNSFORD HILL [going to him with confident familiarity] How
do you do?

HIGGINS [staring at her] I've seen you before somewhere. I
haven't the ghost of a notion where; but I've heard your voice.
[Drearily] It doesn't matter. You'd better sit down.

MRS. HIGGINS. I'm sorry to say that my celebrated son has no
manners. You mustn't mind him.

MISS EYNSFORD HILL [gaily] I don't. [She sits in the Elizabethan
chair].

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL [a little bewildered] Not at all. [She sits on
the ottoman between her daughter and Mrs. Higgins, who has turned
her chair away from the writing-table].

HIGGINS. Oh, have I been rude? I didn't mean to be. [He goes to
the central window, through which, with his back to the company,
he contemplates the river and the flowers in Battersea Park on
the opposite bank as if they were a frozen dessert.]

The parlor-maid returns, ushering in Pickering. 

THE PARLOR-MAID. Colonel Pickering [She withdraws].

PICKERING. How do you do, Mrs. Higgins?

MRS. HIGGINS. So glad you've come. Do you know Mrs. Eynsford
Hill--Miss Eynsford Hill? [Exchange of bows. The Colonel brings
the Chippendale chair a little forward between Mrs. Hill and Mrs.
Higgins, and sits down].

PICKERING. Has Henry told you what we've come for?

HIGGINS [over his shoulder] We were interrupted: damn it!

MRS. HIGGINS. Oh Henry, Henry, really!

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL [half rising] Are we in the way?

MRS. HIGGINS [rising and making her sit down again] No, no. You
couldn't have come more fortunately: we want you to meet a friend
of ours.

HIGGINS [turning hopefully] Yes, by George! We want two or three
people. You'll do as well as anybody else.

The parlor-maid returns, ushering Freddy.

THE PARLOR-MAID. Mr. Eynsford Hill.

HIGGINS [almost audibly, past endurance] God of Heaven! another
of them.

FREDDY [shaking hands with Mrs. Higgins] Ahdedo?

MRS. HIGGINS. Very good of you to come. [Introducing] Colonel
Pickering.

FREDDY [bowing] Ahdedo?

MRS. HIGGINS. I don't think you know my son, Professor Higgins.

FREDDY [going to Higgins] Ahdedo?

HIGGINS [looking at him much as if he were a pickpocket] I'll
take my oath I've met you before somewhere. Where was it?

FREDDY. I don't think so.

HIGGINS [resignedly] It don't matter, anyhow. Sit down. He shakes
Freddy's hand, and almost slings him on the ottoman with his face
to the windows; then comes round to the other side of it.

HIGGINS. Well, here we are, anyhow! [He sits down on the ottoman
next Mrs. Eynsford Hill, on her left.] And now, what the devil
are we going to talk about until Eliza comes?

MRS. HIGGINS. Henry: you are the life and soul of the Royal
Society's soirees; but really you're rather trying on more
commonplace occasions.

HIGGINS. Am I? Very sorry. [Beaming suddenly] I suppose I am, you
know. [Uproariously] Ha, ha!

MISS EYNSFORD HILL [who considers Higgins quite eligible
matrimonially] I sympathize. I haven't any small talk. If people
would only be frank and say what they really think!

HIGGINS [relapsing into gloom] Lord forbid!

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL [taking up her daughter's cue] But why?

HIGGINS. What they think they ought to think is bad enough, Lord
knows; but what they really think would break up the whole show.
Do you suppose it would be really agreeable if I were to come out
now with what I really think?

MISS EYNSFORD HILL [gaily] Is it so very cynical?

HIGGINS. Cynical! Who the dickens said it was cynical? I mean it
wouldn't be decent.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL [seriously] Oh! I'm sure you don't mean that,
Mr. Higgins.

HIGGINS. You see, we're all savages, more or less. We're supposed
to be civilized and cultured--to know all about poetry and
philosophy and art and science, and so on; but how many of us
know even the meanings of these names? [To Miss Hill] What do you
know of poetry? [To Mrs. Hill] What do you know of science?
[Indicating Freddy] What does he know of art or science or
anything else? What the devil do you imagine I know of
philosophy?

MRS. HIGGINS [warningly] Or of manners, Henry?

THE PARLOR-MAID [opening the door] Miss Doolittle. [She
withdraws].

HIGGINS [rising hastily and running to Mrs. Higgins] Here she is,
mother. [He stands on tiptoe and makes signs over his mother's
head to Eliza to indicate to her which lady is her hostess].

Eliza, who is exquisitely dressed, produces an impression of such
remarkable distinction and beauty as she enters that they all
rise, quite flustered. Guided by Higgins's signals, she comes to
Mrs. Higgins with studied grace.

LIZA [speaking with pedantic correctness of pronunciation and
great beauty of tone] How do you do, Mrs. Higgins? [She gasps
slightly in making sure of the H in Higgins, but is quite
successful]. Mr. Higgins told me I might come.

MRS. HIGGINS [cordially] Quite right: I'm very glad indeed to see
you.

PICKERING. How do you do, Miss Doolittle?

LIZA [shaking hands with him] Colonel Pickering, is it not?

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL. I feel sure we have met before, Miss
Doolittle. I remember your eyes.

LIZA. How do you do? [She sits down on the ottoman gracefully in
the place just left vacant by Higgins].

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL [introducing] My daughter Clara.

LIZA. How do you do?

CLARA [impulsively] How do you do? [She sits down on the ottoman
beside Eliza, devouring her with her eyes].

FREDDY [coming to their side of the ottoman] I've certainly had
the pleasure.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL [introducing] My son Freddy.

LIZA. How do you do?

Freddy bows and sits down in the Elizabethan chair, infatuated.

HIGGINS [suddenly] By George, yes: it all comes back to me! [They
stare at him]. Covent Garden! [Lamentably] What a damned thing!

MRS. HIGGINS. Henry, please! [He is about to sit on the edge of
the table]. Don't sit on my writing-table: you'll break it.

HIGGINS [sulkily] Sorry.

He goes to the divan, stumbling into the fender and over the
fire-irons on his way; extricating himself with muttered
imprecations; and finishing his disastrous journey by throwing
himself so impatiently on the divan that he almost breaks it.
Mrs. Higgins looks at him, but controls herself and says nothing.

A long and painful pause ensues.

MRS. HIGGINS [at last, conversationally] Will it rain, do you
think?

LIZA. The shallow depression in the west of these islands is
likely to move slowly in an easterly direction. There are no
indications of any great change in the barometrical situation.

FREDDY. Ha! ha! how awfully funny!

LIZA. What is wrong with that, young man? I bet I got it right.

FREDDY. Killing!

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL. I'm sure I hope it won't turn cold. There's
so much influenza about. It runs right through our whole family
regularly every spring.

LIZA [darkly] My aunt died of influenza: so they said.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL [clicks her tongue sympathetically]!!!

LIZA [in the same tragic tone] But it's my belief they done the
old woman in.

MRS. HIGGINS [puzzled] Done her in?

LIZA. Y-e-e-e-es, Lord love you! Why should she die of influenza?
She come through diphtheria right enough the year before. I saw
her with my own eyes. Fairly blue with it, she was. They all
thought she was dead; but my father he kept ladling gin down her
throat til she came to so sudden that she bit the bowl off the
spoon.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL [startled] Dear me!

LIZA [piling up the indictment] What call would a woman with that
strength in her have to die of influenza? What become of her new
straw hat that should have come to me? Somebody pinched it; and
what I say is, them as pinched it done her in.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL. What does doing her in mean?

HIGGINS [hastily] Oh, that's the new small talk. To do a person
in means to kill them.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL [to Eliza, horrified] You surely don't believe
that your aunt was killed?

LIZA. Do I not! Them she lived with would have killed her for a
hat-pin, let alone a hat.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL. But it can't have been right for your father
to pour spirits down her throat like that. It might have killed
her.

LIZA. Not her. Gin was mother's milk to her. Besides, he'd poured
so much down his own throat that he knew the good of it.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL. Do you mean that he drank?

LIZA. Drank! My word! Something chronic.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL. How dreadful for you!

LIZA. Not a bit. It never did him no harm what I could see. But
then he did not keep it up regular. [Cheerfully] On the burst, as
you might say, from time to time. And always more agreeable when
he had a drop in. When he was out of work, my mother used to give
him fourpence and tell him to go out and not come back until he'd
drunk himself cheerful and loving-like. There's lots of women has
to make their husbands drunk to make them fit to live with. [Now
quite at her ease] You see, it's like this. If a man has a bit of
a conscience, it always takes him when he's sober; and then it
makes him low-spirited. A drop of booze just takes that off and
makes him happy. [To Freddy, who is in convulsions of suppressed
laughter] Here! what are you sniggering at?

FREDDY. The new small talk. You do it so awfully well.

LIZA. If I was doing it proper, what was you laughing at? [To
Higgins] Have I said anything I oughtn't?

MRS. HIGGINS [interposing] Not at all, Miss Doolittle.

LIZA. Well, that's a mercy, anyhow. [Expansively] What I always
say is--

HIGGINS [rising and looking at his watch] Ahem!

LIZA [looking round at him; taking the hint; and rising] Well: I
must go. [They all rise. Freddy goes to the door]. So pleased to
have met you. Good-bye. [She shakes hands with Mrs. Higgins].

MRS. HIGGINS. Good-bye.

LIZA. Good-bye, Colonel Pickering.

PICKERING. Good-bye, Miss Doolittle. [They shake hands].

LIZA [nodding to the others] Good-bye, all.

FREDDY [opening the door for her] Are you walking across the
Park, Miss Doolittle? If so--

LIZA. Walk! Not bloody likely. [Sensation]. I am going in a taxi.
[She goes out].

Pickering gasps and sits down. Freddy goes out on the balcony to
catch another glimpse of Eliza.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL [suffering from shock] Well, I really can't
get used to the new ways.

CLARA [throwing herself discontentedly into the Elizabethan
chair]. Oh, it's all right, mamma, quite right. People will think
we never go anywhere or see anybody if you are so old-fashioned.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL. I daresay I am very old-fashioned; but I do
hope you won't begin using that expression, Clara. I have got
accustomed to hear you talking about men as rotters, and calling
everything filthy and beastly; though I do think it horrible and
unladylike. But this last is really too much. Don't you think so,
Colonel Pickering?

PICKERING. Don't ask me. I've been away in India for several
years; and manners have changed so much that I sometimes don't
know whether I'm at a respectable dinner-table or in a ship's
forecastle.

CLARA. It's all a matter of habit. There's no right or wrong in
it. Nobody means anything by it. And it's so quaint, and gives
such a smart emphasis to things that are not in themselves very
witty. I find the new small talk delightful and quite innocent.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL [rising] Well, after that, I think it's time
for us to go.

Pickering and Higgins rise.

CLARA [rising] Oh yes: we have three at homes to go to still.
Good-bye, Mrs. Higgins. Good-bye, Colonel Pickering. Good-bye,
Professor Higgins.

HIGGINS [coming grimly at her from the divan, and accompanying
her to the door] Good-bye. Be sure you try on that small talk at
the three at-homes. Don't be nervous about it. Pitch it in
strong.

CLARA [all smiles] I will. Good-bye. Such nonsense, all this
early Victorian prudery!

HIGGINS [tempting her] Such damned nonsense!

CLARA. Such bloody nonsense!

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL [convulsively] Clara!

CLARA. Ha! ha! [She goes out radiant, conscious of being
thoroughly up to date, and is heard descending the stairs in a
stream of silvery laughter].

FREDDY [to the heavens at large] Well, I ask you [He gives it up,
and comes to Mrs. Higgins]. Good-bye.

MRS. HIGGINS [shaking hands] Good-bye. Would you like to meet
Miss Doolittle again?

FREDDY [eagerly] Yes, I should, most awfully.

MRS. HIGGINS. Well, you know my days.

FREDDY. Yes. Thanks awfully. Good-bye. [He goes out].

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL. Good-bye, Mr. Higgins.

HIGGINS. Good-bye. Good-bye.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL [to Pickering] It's no use. I shall never be
able to bring myself to use that word.

PICKERING. Don't. It's not compulsory, you know. You'll get on
quite well without it.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL. Only, Clara is so down on me if I am not
positively reeking with the latest slang. Good-bye.

PICKERING. Good-bye [They shake hands].

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL [to Mrs. Higgins] You mustn't mind Clara.
[Pickering, catching from her lowered tone that this is not meant
for him to hear, discreetly joins Higgins at the window]. We're
so poor! and she gets so few parties, poor child! She doesn't
quite know. [Mrs. Higgins, seeing that her eyes are moist, takes
her hand sympathetically and goes with her to the door]. But the
boy is nice. Don't you think so?

MRS. HIGGINS. Oh, quite nice. I shall always be delighted to see
him.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL. Thank you, dear. Good-bye. [She goes out].

HIGGINS [eagerly] Well? Is Eliza presentable [he swoops on his
mother and drags her to the ottoman, where she sits down in
Eliza's place with her son on her left]?

Pickering returns to his chair on her right.

MRS. HIGGINS. You silly boy, of course she's not presentable.
She's a triumph of your art and of her dressmaker's; but if you
suppose for a moment that she doesn't give herself away in every
sentence she utters, you must be perfectly cracked about her.

PICKERING. But don't you think something might be done? I mean
something to eliminate the sanguinary element from her
conversation.

MRS. HIGGINS. Not as long as she is in Henry's hands.

HIGGINS [aggrieved] Do you mean that my language is improper?

MRS. HIGGINS. No, dearest: it would be quite proper--say on a
canal barge; but it would not be proper for her at a garden
party.

HIGGINS [deeply injured] Well I must say--

PICKERING [interrupting him] Come, Higgins: you must learn to
know yourself. I haven't heard such language as yours since we
used to review the volunteers in Hyde Park twenty years ago.

HIGGINS [sulkily] Oh, well, if you say so, I suppose I don't
always talk like a bishop.

MRS. HIGGINS [quieting Henry with a touch] Colonel Pickering:
will you tell me what is the exact state of things in Wimpole
Street?

PICKERING [cheerfully: as if this completely changed the subject]
Well, I have come to live there with Henry. We work together at
my Indian Dialects; and we think it more convenient--

MRS. HIGGINS. Quite so. I know all about that: it's an excellent
arrangement. But where does this girl live?

HIGGINS. With us, of course. Where would she live?

MRS. HIGGINS. But on what terms? Is she a servant? If not, what
is she?

PICKERING [slowly] I think I know what you mean, Mrs. Higgins.

HIGGINS. Well, dash me if I do! I've had to work at the girl
every day for months to get her to her present pitch. Besides,
she's useful. She knows where my things are, and remembers my
appointments and so forth.

MRS. HIGGINS. How does your housekeeper get on with her?

HIGGINS. Mrs. Pearce? Oh, she's jolly glad to get so much taken
off her hands; for before Eliza came, she had to have to find
things and remind me of my appointments. But she's got some silly
bee in her bonnet about Eliza. She keeps saying "You don't think,
sir": doesn't she, Pick?

PICKERING. Yes: that's the formula. "You don't think, sir."
That's the end of every conversation about Eliza.

HIGGINS. As if I ever stop thinking about the girl and her
confounded vowels and consonants. I'm worn out, thinking about
her, and watching her lips and her teeth and her tongue, not to
mention her soul, which is the quaintest of the lot.

MRS. HIGGINS. You certainly are a pretty pair of babies, playing
with your live doll.

HIGGINS. Playing! The hardest job I ever tackled: make no mistake
about that, mother. But you have no idea how frightfully
interesting it is to take a human being and change her into a
quite different human being by creating a new speech for her.
It's filling up the deepest gulf that separates class from class
and soul from soul.

PICKERING [drawing his chair closer to Mrs. Higgins and bending
over to her eagerly] Yes: it's enormously interesting. I assure
you, Mrs. Higgins, we take Eliza very seriously. Every week--
every day almost--there is some new change. [Closer again] We
keep records of every stage--dozens of gramophone disks and
photographs--

HIGGINS [assailing her at the other ear] Yes, by George: it's the
most absorbing experiment I ever tackled. She regularly fills our
lives up; doesn't she, Pick?

PICKERING. We're always talking Eliza.

HIGGINS. Teaching Eliza.

PICKERING. Dressing Eliza.

MRS. HIGGINS. What!

HIGGINS. Inventing new Elizas.

Higgins and Pickering, speaking together:

HIGGINS.    You know, she has the most extraordinary quickness of
            ear:
PICKERING.  I assure you, my dear Mrs. Higgins, that girl
HIGGINS.    just like a parrot. I've tried her with every
PICKERING.  is a genius. She can play the piano quite
            beautifully
HIGGINS.    possible sort of sound that a human being can make--
PICKERING.  We have taken her to classical concerts and to music
HIGGINS.    Continental dialects, African dialects, Hottentot
PICKERING.  halls; and it's all the same to her: she plays
            everything
HIGGINS.    clicks, things it took me years to get hold of; and
PICKERING.  she hears right off when she comes home, whether it's
HIGGINS.    she picks them up like a shot, right away, as if she
            had
PICKERING.  Beethoven and Brahms or Lehar and Lionel Morickton;
HIGGINS.    been at it all her life.
PICKERING.  though six months ago, she'd never as much as touched
            a piano.

MRS. HIGGINS [putting her fingers in her ears, as they are by
this time shouting one another down with an intolerable noise]
Sh--sh--sh--sh! [They stop].

PICKERING. I beg your pardon. [He draws his chair back
apologetically].

HIGGINS. Sorry. When Pickering starts shouting nobody can get a
word in edgeways.

MRS. HIGGINS. Be quiet, Henry. Colonel Pickering: don't you
realize that when Eliza walked into Wimpole Street, something
walked in with her?

PICKERING. Her father did. But Henry soon got rid of him.

MRS. HIGGINS. It would have been more to the point if her mother
had. But as her mother didn't something else did.

PICKERING. But what?

MRS. HIGGINS [unconsciously dating herself by the word] A
problem.

PICKERING. Oh, I see. The problem of how to pass her off as a
lady.

HIGGINS. I'll solve that problem. I've half solved it already.

MRS. HIGGINS. No, you two infinitely stupid male creatures: the
problem of what is to be done with her afterwards.

HIGGINS. I don't see anything in that. She can go her own way,
with all the advantages I have given her.

MRS. HIGGINS. The advantages of that poor woman who was here just
now! The manners and habits that disqualify a fine lady from
earning her own living without giving her a fine lady's income!
Is that what you mean?

PICKERING [indulgently, being rather bored] Oh, that will be all
right, Mrs. Higgins. [He rises to go].

HIGGINS [rising also] We'll find her some light employment.

PICKERING. She's happy enough. Don't you worry about her. Good-
bye. [He shakes hands as if he were consoling a frightened child,
and makes for the door].

HIGGINS. Anyhow, there's no good bothering now. The thing's done.
Good-bye, mother. [He kisses her, and follows Pickering].

PICKERING [turning for a final consolation] There are plenty of
openings. We'll do what's right. Good-bye.

HIGGINS [to Pickering as they go out together] Let's take her to
the Shakespear exhibition at Earls Court.

PICKERING. Yes: let's. Her remarks will be delicious.

HIGGINS. She'll mimic all the people for us when we get home.

PICKERING. Ripping. [Both are heard laughing as they go
downstairs].

MRS. HIGGINS [rises with an impatient bounce, and returns to her
work at the writing-table. She sweeps a litter of disarranged
papers out of her way; snatches a sheet of paper from her
stationery case; and tries resolutely to write. At the third line
she gives it up; flings down her pen; grips the table angrily and
exclaims] Oh, men! men!! men!!!




ACT IV

The Wimpole Street laboratory. Midnight. Nobody in the room. The
clock on the mantelpiece strikes twelve. The fire is not alight:
it is a summer night.

Presently Higgins and Pickering are heard on the stairs.

HIGGINS [calling down to Pickering] I say, Pick: lock up, will
you. I shan't be going out again.

PICKERING. Right. Can Mrs. Pearce go to bed? We don't want
anything more, do we?

HIGGINS. Lord, no!

Eliza opens the door and is seen on the lighted landing in opera
cloak, brilliant evening dress, and diamonds, with fan, flowers,
and all accessories. She comes to the hearth, and switches on the
electric lights there. She is tired: her pallor contrasts
strongly with her dark eyes and hair; and her expression is
almost tragic. She takes off her cloak; puts her fan and flowers
on the piano; and sits down on the bench, brooding and silent.
Higgins, in evening dress, with overcoat and hat, comes in,
carrying a smoking jacket which he has picked up downstairs. He
takes off the hat and overcoat; throws them carelessly on the
newspaper stand; disposes of his coat in the same way; puts on
the smoking jacket; and throws himself wearily into the
easy-chair at the hearth. Pickering, similarly attired, comes in.
He also takes off his hat and overcoat, and is about to throw
them on Higgins's when he hesitates.

PICKERING. I say: Mrs. Pearce will row if we leave these things
lying about in the drawing-room.

HIGGINS. Oh, chuck them over the bannisters into the hall. She'll
find them there in the morning and put them away all right.
She'll think we were drunk.

PICKERING. We are, slightly. Are there any letters?

HIGGINS. I didn't look. [Pickering takes the overcoats and hats
and goes down stairs. Higgins begins half singing half yawning an
air from La Fanciulla del Golden West. Suddenly he stops and
exclaims] I wonder where the devil my slippers are!

Eliza looks at him darkly; then leaves the room.

Higgins yawns again, and resumes his song. Pickering returns,
with the contents of the letter-box in his hand.

PICKERING. Only circulars, and this coroneted billet-doux for
you. [He throws the circulars into the fender, and posts himself
on the hearthrug, with his back to the grate].

HIGGINS [glancing at the billet-doux] Money-lender. [He throws
the letter after the circulars].

Eliza returns with a pair of large down-at-heel slippers. She
places them on the carpet before Higgins, and sits as before
without a word.

HIGGINS [yawning again] Oh Lord! What an evening! What a crew!
What a silly tomfoollery! [He raises his shoe to unlace it, and
catches sight of the slippers. He stops unlacing and looks at
them as if they had appeared there of their own accord]. Oh!
they're there, are they?

PICKERING [stretching himself] Well, I feel a bit tired. It's
been a long day. The garden party, a dinner party, and the opera!
Rather too much of a good thing. But you've won your bet,
Higgins. Eliza did the trick, and something to spare, eh?

HIGGINS [fervently] Thank God it's over!

Eliza flinches violently; but they take no notice of her; and she
recovers herself and sits stonily as before.

PICKERING. Were you nervous at the garden party? I was. Eliza
didn't seem a bit nervous.

HIGGINS. Oh, she wasn't nervous. I knew she'd be all right. No,
it's the strain of putting the job through all these months that
has told on me. It was interesting enough at first, while we were
at the phonetics; but after that I got deadly sick of it. If I
hadn't backed myself to do it I should have chucked the whole
thing up two months ago. It was a silly notion: the whole thing
has been a bore.

PICKERING. Oh come! the garden party was frightfully exciting. My
heart began beating like anything.

HIGGINS. Yes, for the first three minutes. But when I saw we were
going to win hands down, I felt like a bear in a cage, hanging
about doing nothing. The dinner was worse: sitting gorging there
for over an hour, with nobody but a damned fool of a fashionable
woman to talk to! I tell you, Pickering, never again for me. No
more artificial duchesses. The whole thing has been simple
purgatory.

PICKERING. You've never been broken in properly to the social
routine. [Strolling over to the piano] I rather enjoy dipping
into it occasionally myself: it makes me feel young again.
Anyhow, it was a great success: an immense success. I was quite
frightened once or twice because Eliza was doing it so well. You
see, lots of the real people can't do it at all: they're such
fools that they think style comes by nature to people in their
position; and so they never learn. There's always something
professional about doing a thing superlatively well.

HIGGINS. Yes: that's what drives me mad: the silly people don't
know their own silly business. [Rising] However, it's over and
done with; and now I can go to bed at last without dreading
tomorrow.

Eliza's beauty becomes murderous.

PICKERING. I think I shall turn in too. Still, it's been a great
occasion: a triumph for you. Good-night. [He goes].

HIGGINS [following him] Good-night. [Over his shoulder, at the
door] Put out the lights, Eliza; and tell Mrs. Pearce not to make
coffee for me in the morning: I'll take tea. [He goes out].

Eliza tries to control herself and feel indifferent as she rises
and walks across to the hearth to switch off the lights. By the
time she gets there she is on the point of screaming. She sits
down in Higgins's chair and holds on hard to the arms. Finally
she gives way and flings herself furiously on the floor raging.

HIGGINS [in despairing wrath outside] What the devil have I done
with my slippers? [He appears at the door].

LIZA [snatching up the slippers, and hurling them at him one
after the other with all her force] There are your slippers. And
there. Take your slippers; and may you never have a day's luck
with them!

HIGGINS [astounded] What on earth--! [He comes to her]. What's
the matter? Get up. [He pulls her up]. Anything wrong?

LIZA [breathless] Nothing wrong--with YOU. I've won your bet for
you, haven't I? That's enough for you. _I_ don't matter, I
suppose.

HIGGINS. YOU won my bet! You! Presumptuous insect! _I_ won it.
What did you throw those slippers at me for?

LIZA. Because I wanted to smash your face. I'd like to kill you,
you selfish brute. Why didn't you leave me where you picked me
out of--in the gutter? You thank God it's all over, and that now
you can throw me back again there, do you? [She crisps her
fingers, frantically].

HIGGINS [looking at her in cool wonder] The creature IS nervous,
after all.

LIZA [gives a suffocated scream of fury, and instinctively darts
her nails at his face]!!

HIGGINS [catching her wrists] Ah! would you? Claws in, you cat.
How dare you show your temper to me? Sit down and be quiet. [He
throws her roughly into the easy-chair].

LIZA [crushed by superior strength and weight] What's to become
of me? What's to become of me?

HIGGINS. How the devil do I know what's to become of you? What
does it matter what becomes of you?

LIZA. You don't care. I know you don't care. You wouldn't care if
I was dead. I'm nothing to you--not so much as them slippers.

HIGGINS [thundering] THOSE slippers.

LIZA [with bitter submission] Those slippers. I didn't think it
made any difference now.

A pause. Eliza hopeless and crushed. Higgins a little uneasy.

HIGGINS [in his loftiest manner] Why have you begun going on like
this? May I ask whether you complain of your treatment here?

LIZA. No.

HIGGINS. Has anybody behaved badly to you? Colonel Pickering?
Mrs. Pearce? Any of the servants?

LIZA. No.

HIGGINS. I presume you don't pretend that I have treated you
badly.

LIZA. No.

HIGGINS. I am glad to hear it. [He moderates his tone]. Perhaps
you're tired after the strain of the day. Will you have a glass
of champagne? [He moves towards the door].

LIZA. No. [Recollecting her manners] Thank you.

HIGGINS [good-humored again] This has been coming on you for some
days. I suppose it was natural for you to be anxious about the
garden party. But that's all over now. [He pats her kindly on the
shoulder. She writhes]. There's nothing more to worry about.

LIZA. No. Nothing more for you to worry about. [She suddenly
rises and gets away from him by going to the piano bench, where
she sits and hides her face]. Oh God! I wish I was dead.

HIGGINS [staring after her in sincere surprise] Why? in heaven's
name, why? [Reasonably, going to her] Listen to me, Eliza. All
this irritation is purely subjective.

LIZA. I don't understand. I'm too ignorant.

HIGGINS. It's only imagination. Low spirits and nothing else.
Nobody's hurting you. Nothing's wrong. You go to bed like a good
girl and sleep it off. Have a little cry and say your prayers:
that will make you comfortable.

LIZA. I heard YOUR prayers. "Thank God it's all over!"

HIGGINS [impatiently] Well, don't you thank God it's all over?
Now you are free and can do what you like.

LIZA [pulling herself together in desperation] What am I fit for?
What have you left me fit for? Where am I to go? What am I to do?
What's to become of me?

HIGGINS [enlightened, but not at all impressed] Oh, that's what's
worrying you, is it? [He thrusts his hands into his pockets, and
walks about in his usual manner, rattling the contents of his
pockets, as if condescending to a trivial subject out of pure
kindness]. I shouldn't bother about it if I were you. I should
imagine you won't have much difficulty in settling yourself,
somewhere or other, though I hadn't quite realized that you were
going away. [She looks quickly at him: he does not look at her,
but examines the dessert stand on the piano and decides that he
will eat an apple]. You might marry, you know. [He bites a large
piece out of the apple, and munches it noisily]. You see, Eliza,
all men are not confirmed old bachelors like me and the Colonel.
Most men are the marrying sort (poor devils!); and you're not
bad-looking; it's quite a pleasure to look at you sometimes--not
now, of course, because you're crying and looking as ugly as the
very devil; but when you're all right and quite yourself, you're
what I should call attractive. That is, to the people in the
marrying line, you understand. You go to bed and have a good nice
rest; and then get up and look at yourself in the glass; and you
won't feel so cheap.

Eliza again looks at him, speechless, and does not stir.

The look is quite lost on him: he eats his apple with a dreamy
expression of happiness, as it is quite a good one.

HIGGINS [a genial afterthought occurring to him] I daresay my
mother could find some chap or other who would do very well--

LIZA. We were above that at the corner of Tottenham Court Road.

HIGGINS [waking up] What do you mean?

LIZA. I sold flowers. I didn't sell myself. Now you've made a
lady of me I'm not fit to sell anything else. I wish you'd left
me where you found me.

HIGGINS [slinging the core of the apple decisively into the
grate] Tosh, Eliza. Don't you insult human relations by dragging
all this cant about buying and selling into it. You needn't marry
the fellow if you don't like him.

LIZA. What else am I to do?

HIGGINS. Oh, lots of things. What about your old idea of a
florist's shop? Pickering could set you up in one: he's lots of
money. [Chuckling] He'll have to pay for all those togs you have
been wearing today; and that, with the hire of the jewellery,
will make a big hole in two hundred pounds. Why, six months ago
you would have thought it the millennium to have a flower shop of
your own. Come! you'll be all right. I must clear off to bed: I'm
devilish sleepy. By the way, I came down for something: I forget
what it was.

LIZA. Your slippers.

HIGGINS. Oh yes, of course. You shied them at me. [He picks them
up, and is going out when she rises and speaks to him].

LIZA. Before you go, sir--

HIGGINS [dropping the slippers in his surprise at her calling him
sir] Eh?

LIZA. Do my clothes belong to me or to Colonel Pickering?

HIGGINS [coming back into the room as if her question were the
very climax of unreason] What the devil use would they be to
Pickering?

LIZA. He might want them for the next girl you pick up to
experiment on.

HIGGINS [shocked and hurt] Is THAT the way you feel towards us?

LIZA. I don't want to hear anything more about that. All I want
to know is whether anything belongs to me. My own clothes were
burnt.

HIGGINS. But what does it matter? Why need you start bothering
about that in the middle of the night?

LIZA. I want to know what I may take away with me. I don't want
to be accused of stealing.

HIGGINS [now deeply wounded] Stealing! You shouldn't have said
that, Eliza. That shows a want of feeling.

LIZA. I'm sorry. I'm only a common ignorant girl; and in my
station I have to be careful. There can't be any feelings between
the like of you and the like of me. Please will you tell me what
belongs to me and what doesn't?

HIGGINS [very sulky] You may take the whole damned houseful if
you like. Except the jewels. They're hired. Will that satisfy
you? [He turns on his heel and is about to go in extreme
dudgeon].

LIZA [drinking in his emotion like nectar, and nagging him to
provoke a further supply] Stop, please. [She takes off her
jewels]. Will you take these to your room and keep them safe? I
don't want to run the risk of their being missing.

HIGGINS [furious] Hand them over. [She puts them into his hands].
If these belonged to me instead of to the jeweler, I'd ram them
down your ungrateful throat. [He perfunctorily thrusts them into
his pockets, unconsciously decorating himself with the protruding
ends of the chains].

LIZA [taking a ring off] This ring isn't the jeweler's: it's the
one you bought me in Brighton. I don't want it now. [Higgins
dashes the ring violently into the fireplace, and turns on her so
threateningly that she crouches over the piano with her hands
over her face, and exclaims] Don't you hit me.

HIGGINS. Hit you! You infamous creature, how dare you accuse me
of such a thing? It is you who have hit me. You have wounded me
to the heart.

LIZA [thrilling with hidden joy] I'm glad. I've got a little of
my own back, anyhow.

HIGGINS [with dignity, in his finest professional style] You have
caused me to lose my temper: a thing that has hardly ever happened
to me before. I prefer to say nothing more tonight. I am going to
bed.

LIZA [pertly] You'd better leave a note for Mrs. Pearce about the
coffee; for she won't be told by me.

HIGGINS [formally] Damn Mrs. Pearce; and damn the coffee; and
damn you; and damn my own folly in having lavished MY hard-earned
knowledge and the treasure of my regard and intimacy on a
heartless guttersnipe. [He goes out with impressive decorum, and
spoils it by slamming the door savagely].

Eliza smiles for the first time; expresses her feelings by a wild
pantomime in which an imitation of Higgins's exit is confused
with her own triumph; and finally goes down on her knees on the
hearthrug to look for the ring.




ACT V

Mrs. Higgins's drawing-room. She is at her writing-table as
before. The parlor-maid comes in.

THE PARLOR-MAID [at the door]  Mr. Henry, mam, is downstairs with
Colonel Pickering.

MRS. HIGGINS. Well, show them up.

THE PARLOR-MAID. They're using the telephone, mam. Telephoning to
the police, I think.

MRS. HIGGINS. What!

THE PARLOR-MAID [coming further in and lowering her voice] Mr.
Henry's in a state, mam. I thought I'd better tell you.

MRS. HIGGINS. If you had told me that Mr. Henry was not in a
state it would have been more surprising. Tell them to come up
when they've finished with the police. I suppose he's lost
something.

THE PARLOR-MAID. Yes, mam [going].

MRS. HIGGINS. Go upstairs and tell Miss Doolittle that Mr. Henry
and the Colonel are here. Ask her not to come down till I send
for her.

THE PARLOR-MAID. Yes, mam.

Higgins bursts in. He is, as the parlor-maid has said, in a
state.

HIGGINS. Look here, mother: here's a confounded thing!

MRS. HIGGINS. Yes, dear. Good-morning. [He checks his impatience
and kisses her, whilst the parlor-maid goes out]. What is it?

HIGGINS. Eliza's bolted.

MRS. HIGGINS [calmly continuing her writing] You must have
frightened her.

HIGGINS. Frightened her! nonsense! She was left last night, as
usual, to turn out the lights and all that; and instead of going
to bed she changed her clothes and went right off: her bed wasn't
slept in. She came in a cab for her things before seven this
morning; and that fool Mrs. Pearce let her have them without
telling me a word about it. What am I to do?

MRS. HIGGINS. Do without, I'm afraid, Henry. The girl has a
perfect right to leave if she chooses.

HIGGINS [wandering distractedly across the room] But I can't find
anything. I don't know what appointments I've got. I'm--
[Pickering comes in. Mrs. Higgins puts down her pen and turns
away from the writing-table].

PICKERING [shaking hands] Good-morning, Mrs. Higgins. Has Henry
told you? [He sits down on the ottoman].

HIGGINS. What does that ass of an inspector say? Have you offered
a reward?

MRS. HIGGINS [rising in indignant amazement] You don't mean to
say you have set the police after Eliza?

HIGGINS. Of course. What are the police for? What else could we
do? [He sits in the Elizabethan chair].

PICKERING. The inspector made a lot of difficulties. I really
think he suspected us of some improper purpose.

MRS. HIGGINS. Well, of course he did. What right have you to go
to the police and give the girl's name as if she were a thief, or
a lost umbrella, or something? Really! [She sits down again,
deeply vexed].

HIGGINS. But we want to find her.

PICKERING. We can't let her go like this, you know, Mrs. Higgins.
What were we to do?

MRS. HIGGINS. You have no more sense, either of you, than two
children. Why--

The parlor-maid comes in and breaks off the conversation.

THE PARLOR-MAID. Mr. Henry: a gentleman wants to see you very
particular. He's been sent on from Wimpole Street.

HIGGINS. Oh, bother! I can't see anyone now. Who is it?

THE PARLOR-MAID. A Mr. Doolittle, Sir.

PICKERING. Doolittle! Do you mean the dustman?

THE PARLOR-MAID. Dustman! Oh no, sir: a gentleman.

HIGGINS [springing up excitedly] By George, Pick, it's some
relative of hers that she's gone to. Somebody we know nothing
about. [To the parlor-maid] Send him up, quick.

THE PARLOR-MAID. Yes, Sir. [She goes].

HIGGINS [eagerly, going to his mother] Genteel relatives! now we
shall hear something. [He sits down in the Chippendale chair].

MRS. HIGGINS. Do you know any of her people?

PICKERING. Only her father: the fellow we told you about.

THE PARLOR-MAID [announcing] Mr. Doolittle. [She withdraws].

Doolittle enters. He is brilliantly dressed in a new fashionable
frock-coat, with white waistcoat and grey trousers. A flower in
his buttonhole, a dazzling silk hat, and patent leather shoes
complete the effect. He is too concerned with the business he has
come on to notice Mrs. Higgins. He walks straight to Higgins, and
accosts him with vehement reproach.

DOOLITTLE [indicating his own person] See here! Do you see this?
You done this.

HIGGINS. Done what, man?

DOOLITTLE. This, I tell you. Look at it. Look at this hat. Look
at this coat.

PICKERING. Has Eliza been buying you clothes?

DOOLITTLE. Eliza! not she. Not half. Why would she buy me
clothes?

MRS. HIGGINS. Good-morning, Mr. Doolittle. Won't you sit down?

DOOLITTLE [taken aback as he becomes conscious that he has
forgotten his hostess] Asking your pardon, ma'am. [He approaches
her and shakes her proffered hand]. Thank you. [He sits down on
the ottoman, on Pickering's right]. I am that full of what has
happened to me that I can't think of anything else.

HIGGINS. What the dickens has happened to you?

DOOLITTLE. I shouldn't mind if it had only happened to me:
anything might happen to anybody and nobody to blame but
Providence, as you might say. But this is something that you done
to me: yes, you, Henry Higgins.

HIGGINS. Have you found Eliza? That's the point.

DOOLITTLE. Have you lost her?

HIGGINS. Yes.

DOOLITTLE. You have all the luck, you have. I ain't found her;
but she'll find me quick enough now after what you done to me.

MRS. HIGGINS. But what has my son done to you, Mr. Doolittle?

DOOLITTLE. Done to me! Ruined me. Destroyed my happiness. Tied me
up and delivered me into the hands of middle class morality.

HIGGINS [rising intolerantly and standing over Doolittle] You're
raving. You're drunk. You're mad. I gave you five pounds. After
that I had two conversations with you, at half-a-crown an hour.
I've never seen you since.

DOOLITTLE. Oh! Drunk! am I? Mad! am I? Tell me this. Did you or
did you not write a letter to an old blighter in America that was
giving five millions to found Moral Reform Societies all over the
world, and that wanted you to invent a universal language for
him?

HIGGINS. What! Ezra D. Wannafeller! He's dead. [He sits down
again carelessly].

DOOLITTLE. Yes: he's dead; and I'm done for. Now did you or did
you not write a letter to him to say that the most original
moralist at present in England, to the best of your knowledge,
was Alfred Doolittle, a common dustman.

HIGGINS. Oh, after your last visit I remember making some silly
joke of the kind.

DOOLITTLE. Ah! you may well call it a silly joke. It put the lid
on me right enough. Just give him the chance he wanted to show
that Americans is not like us: that they recognize and respect
merit in every class of life, however humble. Them words is in
his blooming will, in which, Henry Higgins, thanks to your silly
joking, he leaves me a share in his Pre-digested Cheese Trust
worth three thousand a year on condition that I lecture for his
Wannafeller Moral Reform World League as often as they ask me up
to six times a year.

HIGGINS. The devil he does! Whew! [Brightening suddenly] What a
lark!

PICKERING. A safe thing for you, Doolittle. They won't ask you
twice.

DOOLITTLE. It ain't the lecturing I mind. I'll lecture them blue
in the face, I will, and not turn a hair. It's making a gentleman
of me that I object to. Who asked him to make a gentleman of me?
I was happy. I was free. I touched pretty nigh everybody for
money when I wanted it, same as I touched you, Henry Higgins. Now
I am worrited; tied neck and heels; and everybody touches me for
money. It's a fine thing for you, says my solicitor. Is it? says
I. You mean it's a good thing for you, I says. When I was a poor
man and had a solicitor once when they found a pram in the dust
cart, he got me off, and got shut of me and got me shut of him as
quick as he could. Same with the doctors: used to shove me out of
the hospital before I could hardly stand on my legs, and nothing
to pay. Now they finds out that I'm not a healthy man and can't
live unless they looks after me twice a day. In the house I'm not
let do a hand's turn for myself: somebody else must do it and
touch me for it. A year ago I hadn't a relative in the world
except two or three that wouldn't speak to me. Now I've fifty, and
not a decent week's wages among the lot of them. I have to live
for others and not for myself: that's middle class morality. You
talk of losing Eliza. Don't you be anxious: I bet she's on my
doorstep by this: she that could support herself easy by selling
flowers if I wasn't respectable. And the next one to touch me
will be you, Henry Higgins. I'll have to learn to speak middle
class language from you, instead of speaking proper English.
That's where you'll come in; and I daresay that's what you done
it for.

MRS. HIGGINS. But, my dear Mr. Doolittle, you need not suffer all
this if you are really in earnest. Nobody can force you to accept
this bequest. You can repudiate it. Isn't that so, Colonel
Pickering?

PICKERING. I believe so.

DOOLITTLE [softening his manner in deference to her sex] That's
the tragedy of it, ma'am. It's easy to say chuck it; but I
haven't the nerve. Which one of us has? We're all intimidated.
Intimidated, ma'am: that's what we are. What is there for me if I
chuck it but the workhouse in my old age? I have to dye my hair
already to keep my job as a dustman. If I was one of the
deserving poor, and had put by a bit, I could chuck it; but then
why should I, acause the deserving poor might as well be
millionaires for all the happiness they ever has. They don't know
what happiness is. But I, as one of the undeserving poor, have
nothing between me and the pauper's uniform but this here blasted
three thousand a year that shoves me into the middle class.
(Excuse the expression, ma'am: you'd use it yourself if you had
my provocation). They've got you every way you turn: it's a
choice between the Skilly of the workhouse and the Char Bydis of
the middle class; and I haven't the nerve for the workhouse.
Intimidated: that's what I am. Broke. Bought up. Happier men than
me will call for my dust, and touch me for their tip; and I'll
look on helpless, and envy them. And that's what your son has
brought me to. [He is overcome by emotion].

MRS. HIGGINS. Well, I'm very glad you're not going to do anything
foolish, Mr. Doolittle. For this solves the problem of Eliza's
future. You can provide for her now.

DOOLITTLE [with melancholy resignation] Yes, ma'am; I'm expected
to provide for everyone now, out of three thousand a year.

HIGGINS [jumping up] Nonsense! he can't provide for her. He
shan't provide for her. She doesn't belong to him. I paid him
five pounds for her. Doolittle: either you're an honest man or a
rogue.

DOOLITTLE [tolerantly] A little of both, Henry, like the rest of
us: a little of both.

HIGGINS. Well, you took that money for the girl; and you have no
right to take her as well.

MRS. HIGGINS. Henry: don't be absurd. If you really want to know
where Eliza is, she is upstairs.

HIGGINS [amazed] Upstairs!!! Then I shall jolly soon fetch her
downstairs. [He makes resolutely for the door].

MRS. HIGGINS [rising and following him] Be quiet, Henry. Sit
down.

HIGGINS. I--

MRS. HIGGINS. Sit down, dear; and listen to me.

HIGGINS. Oh very well, very well, very well. [He throws himself
ungraciously on the ottoman, with his face towards the windows].
But I think you might have told me this half an hour ago.

MRS. HIGGINS. Eliza came to me this morning. She passed the night
partly walking about in a rage, partly trying to throw herself
into the river and being afraid to, and partly in the Carlton
Hotel. She told me of the brutal way you two treated her.

HIGGINS [bounding up again] What!

PICKERING [rising also] My dear Mrs. Higgins, she's been telling
you stories. We didn't treat her brutally. We hardly said a word
to her; and we parted on particularly good terms. [Turning on
Higgins]. Higgins did you bully her after I went to bed?

HIGGINS. Just the other way about. She threw my slippers in my
face. She behaved in the most outrageous way. I never gave her
the slightest provocation. The slippers came bang into my face
the moment I entered the room--before I had uttered a word. And
used perfectly awful language.

PICKERING [astonished] But why? What did we do to her?

MRS. HIGGINS. I think I know pretty well what you did. The girl
is naturally rather affectionate, I think. Isn't she, Mr.
Doolittle?

DOOLITTLE. Very tender-hearted, ma'am. Takes after me.

MRS. HIGGINS. Just so. She had become attached to you both. She
worked very hard for you, Henry! I don't think you quite realize
what anything in the nature of brain work means to a girl like
that. Well, it seems that when the great day of trial came, and
she did this wonderful thing for you without making a single
mistake, you two sat there and never said a word to her, but
talked together of how glad you were that it was all over and how
you had been bored with the whole thing. And then you were
surprised because she threw your slippers at you! _I_ should have
thrown the fire-irons at you.

HIGGINS. We said nothing except that we were tired and wanted to
go to bed. Did we, Pick?

PICKERING [shrugging his shoulders] That was all.

MRS. HIGGINS [ironically] Quite sure?

PICKERING. Absolutely. Really, that was all.

MRS. HIGGINS. You didn't thank her, or pet her, or admire her, or
tell her how splendid she'd been.

HIGGINS [impatiently] But she knew all about that. We didn't make
speeches to her, if that's what you mean.

PICKERING [conscience stricken] Perhaps we were a little
inconsiderate. Is she very angry?

MRS. HIGGINS [returning to her place at the writing-table] Well,
I'm afraid she won't go back to Wimpole Street, especially now
that Mr. Doolittle is able to keep up the position you have
thrust on her; but she says she is quite willing to meet you on
friendly terms and to let bygones be bygones.

HIGGINS [furious] Is she, by George? Ho!

MRS. HIGGINS. If you promise to behave yourself, Henry, I'll ask
her to come down. If not, go home; for you have taken up quite
enough of my time.

HIGGINS. Oh, all right. Very well. Pick: you behave yourself. Let
us put on our best Sunday manners for this creature that we
picked out of the mud. [He flings himself sulkily into the
Elizabethan chair].

DOOLITTLE [remonstrating] Now, now, Henry Higgins! have some
consideration for my feelings as a middle class man.

MRS. HIGGINS. Remember your promise, Henry. [She presses the
bell-button on the writing-table]. Mr. Doolittle: will you be so
good as to step out on the balcony for a moment. I don't want
Eliza to have the shock of your news until she has made it up
with these two gentlemen. Would you mind?

DOOLITTLE. As you wish, lady. Anything to help Henry to keep her
off my hands. [He disappears through the window].

The parlor-maid answers the bell. Pickering sits down in
Doolittle's place.

MRS. HIGGINS. Ask Miss Doolittle to come down, please.

THE PARLOR-MAID. Yes, mam. [She goes out].

MRS. HIGGINS. Now, Henry: be good.

HIGGINS. I am behaving myself perfectly.

PICKERING. He is doing his best, Mrs. Higgins.

A pause. Higgins throws back his head; stretches out his legs;
and begins to whistle.

MRS. HIGGINS. Henry, dearest, you don't look at all nice in that
attitude.

HIGGINS [pulling himself together] I was not trying to look nice,
mother.

MRS. HIGGINS. It doesn't matter, dear. I only wanted to make you
speak.

HIGGINS. Why?

MRS. HIGGINS. Because you can't speak and whistle at the same
time.

Higgins groans. Another very trying pause.

HIGGINS [springing up, out of patience] Where the devil is that
girl? Are we to wait here all day?

Eliza enters, sunny, self-possessed, and giving a staggeringly
convincing exhibition of ease of manner. She carries a little
work-basket, and is very much at home. Pickering is too much
taken aback to rise.

LIZA. How do you do, Professor Higgins? Are you quite well?

HIGGINS [choking] Am I-- [He can say no more].

LIZA. But of course you are: you are never ill. So glad to see
you again, Colonel Pickering. [He rises hastily; and they shake
hands]. Quite chilly this morning, isn't it? [She sits down on
his left. He sits beside her].

HIGGINS. Don't you dare try this game on me. I taught it to you;
and it doesn't take me in. Get up and come home; and don't be a
fool.

Eliza takes a piece of needlework from her basket, and begins to
stitch at it, without taking the least notice of this outburst.

MRS. HIGGINS. Very nicely put, indeed, Henry. No woman could
resist such an invitation.

HIGGINS. You let her alone, mother. Let her speak for herself.
You will jolly soon see whether she has an idea that I haven't
put into her head or a word that I haven't put into her mouth. I
tell you I have created this thing out of the squashed cabbage
leaves of Covent Garden; and now she pretends to play the fine
lady with me.

MRS. HIGGINS [placidly] Yes, dear; but you'll sit down, won't
you?

Higgins sits down again, savagely.

LIZA [to Pickering, taking no apparent notice of Higgins, and
working away deftly] Will you drop me altogether now that the
experiment is over, Colonel Pickering?

PICKERING. Oh don't. You mustn't think of it as an experiment. It
shocks me, somehow.

LIZA. Oh, I'm only a squashed cabbage leaf.

PICKERING [impulsively] No.

LIZA [continuing quietly]--but I owe so much to you that I should
be very unhappy if you forgot me.

PICKERING. It's very kind of you to say so, Miss Doolittle.

LIZA. It's not because you paid for my dresses. I know you are
generous to everybody with money. But it was from you that I
learnt really nice manners; and that is what makes one a lady,
isn't it? You see it was so very difficult for me with the
example of Professor Higgins always before me. I was brought up
to be just like him, unable to control myself, and using bad
language on the slightest provocation. And I should never have
known that ladies and gentlemen didn't behave like that if you
hadn't been there.

HIGGINS. Well!!

PICKERING. Oh, that's only his way, you know. He doesn't mean it.

LIZA. Oh, I didn't mean it either, when I was a flower girl. It
was only my way. But you see I did it; and that's what makes the
difference after all.

PICKERING. No doubt. Still, he taught you to speak; and I
couldn't have done that, you know.

LIZA [trivially] Of course: that is his profession.

HIGGINS. Damnation!

LIZA [continuing] It was just like learning to dance in the
fashionable way: there was nothing more than that in it. But do
you know what began my real education?

PICKERING. What?

LIZA [stopping her work for a moment] Your calling me Miss
Doolittle that day when I first came to Wimpole Street. That was
the beginning of self-respect for me. [She resumes her
stitching]. And there were a hundred little things you never
noticed, because they came naturally to you. Things about
standing up and taking off your hat and opening doors--

PICKERING. Oh, that was nothing.

LIZA. Yes: things that showed you thought and felt about me as if
I were something better than a scullerymaid; though of course I
know you would have been just the same to a scullery-maid if she
had been let in the drawing-room. You never took off your boots
in the dining room when I was there.

PICKERING. You mustn't mind that. Higgins takes off his boots all
over the place.

LIZA. I know. I am not blaming him. It is his way, isn't it? But
it made such a difference to me that you didn't do it. You see,
really and truly, apart from the things anyone can pick up (the
dressing and the proper way of speaking, and so on), the
difference between a lady and a flower girl is not how she
behaves, but how she's treated. I shall always be a flower girl
to Professor Higgins, because he always treats me as a flower
girl, and always will; but I know I can be a lady to you, because
you always treat me as a lady, and always will.

MRS. HIGGINS. Please don't grind your teeth, Henry.

PICKERING. Well, this is really very nice of you, Miss Doolittle.

LIZA. I should like you to call me Eliza, now, if you would.

PICKERING. Thank you. Eliza, of course.

LIZA. And I should like Professor Higgins to call me Miss
Doolittle.

HIGGINS. I'll see you damned first.

MRS. HIGGINS. Henry! Henry!

PICKERING [laughing] Why don't you slang back at him? Don't stand
it. It would do him a lot of good.

LIZA. I can't. I could have done it once; but now I can't go back
to it. Last night, when I was wandering about, a girl spoke to
me; and I tried to get back into the old way with her; but it was
no use. You told me, you know, that when a child is brought to a
foreign country, it picks up the language in a few weeks, and
forgets its own. Well, I am a child in your country. I have
forgotten my own language, and can speak nothing but yours.
That's the real break-off with the corner of Tottenham Court
Road. Leaving Wimpole Street finishes it.

PICKERING [much alarmed] Oh! but you're coming back to Wimpole
Street, aren't you? You'll forgive Higgins?

HIGGINS [rising] Forgive! Will she, by George! Let her go. Let
her find out how she can get on without us. She will relapse into
the gutter in three weeks without me at her elbow.

Doolittle appears at the centre window. With a look of dignified
reproach at Higgins, he comes slowly and silently to his
daughter, who, with her back to the window, is unconscious of his
approach.

PICKERING. He's incorrigible, Eliza. You won't relapse, will you?

LIZA. No: Not now. Never again. I have learnt my lesson. I don't
believe I could utter one of the old sounds if I tried.
[Doolittle touches her on her left shoulder. She drops her work,
losing her self-possession utterly at the spectacle of her
father's splendor] A--a--a--a--a--ah--ow--ooh!

HIGGINS [with a crow of triumph] Aha! Just so. A--a--a--a--
ahowooh! A--a--a--a--ahowooh ! A--a--a--a--ahowooh! Victory!
Victory! [He throws himself on the divan, folding his arms, and
spraddling arrogantly].

DOOLITTLE. Can you blame the girl? Don't look at me like that,
Eliza. It ain't my fault. I've come into money.

LIZA.  You must have touched a millionaire this time, dad.

DOOLITTLE. I have. But I'm dressed something special today. I'm
going to St. George's, Hanover Square. Your stepmother is going
to marry me.

LIZA [angrily] You're going to let yourself down to marry that
low common woman!

PICKERING [quietly] He ought to, Eliza. [To Doolittle] Why has
she changed her mind?

DOOLITTLE [sadly] Intimidated, Governor. Intimidated. Middle
class morality claims its victim. Won't you put on your hat,
Liza, and come and see me turned off?

LIZA. If the Colonel says I must, I--I'll [almost sobbing] I'll
demean myself. And get insulted for my pains, like enough.

DOOLITTLE. Don't be afraid: she never comes to words with anyone
now, poor woman! respectability has broke all the spirit out of
her.

PICKERING [squeezing Eliza's elbow gently] Be kind to them,
Eliza. Make the best of it.

LIZA [forcing a little smile for him through her vexation] Oh
well, just to show there's no ill feeling. I'll be back in a
moment. [She goes out].

DOOLITTLE [sitting down beside Pickering] I feel uncommon nervous
about the ceremony, Colonel. I wish you'd come and see me through
it.

PICKERING. But you've been through it before, man. You were
married to Eliza's mother.

DOOLITTLE. Who told you that, Colonel?

PICKERING. Well, nobody told me. But I concluded naturally--

DOOLITTLE. No: that ain't the natural way, Colonel: it's only the
middle class way. My way was always the undeserving way. But
don't say nothing to Eliza. She don't know: I always had a
delicacy about telling her.

PICKERING. Quite right. We'll leave it so, if you don't mind.

DOOLITTLE. And you'll come to the church, Colonel, and put me
through straight?

PICKERING. With pleasure. As far as a bachelor can.

MRS. HIGGINS. May I come, Mr. Doolittle? I should be very sorry
to miss your wedding.

DOOLITTLE. I should indeed be honored by your condescension,
ma'am; and my poor old woman would take it as a tremenjous
compliment. She's been very low, thinking of the happy days that
are no more.

MRS. HIGGINS [rising] I'll order the carriage and get ready. [The
men rise, except Higgins]. I shan't be more than fifteen minutes.
[As she goes to the door Eliza comes in, hatted and buttoning her
gloves]. I'm going to the church to see your father married,
Eliza. You had better come in the brougham with me. Colonel
Pickering can go on with the bridegroom.

Mrs. Higgins goes out. Eliza comes to the middle of the room
between the centre window and the ottoman. Pickering joins her.

DOOLITTLE. Bridegroom! What a word! It makes a man realize his
position, somehow. [He takes up his hat and goes towards the
door].

PICKERING. Before I go, Eliza, do forgive him and come back to
us.

LIZA. I don't think papa would allow me. Would you, dad?

DOOLITTLE [sad but magnanimous] They played you off very cunning,
Eliza, them two sportsmen. If it had been only one of them, you
could have nailed him. But you see, there was two; and one of
them chaperoned the other, as you might say. [To Pickering] It
was artful of you, Colonel; but I bear no malice: I should have
done the same myself. I been the victim of one woman after
another all my life; and I don't grudge you two getting the
better of Eliza. I shan't interfere. It's time for us to go,
Colonel. So long, Henry. See you in St. George's, Eliza. [He goes
out].

PICKERING [coaxing] Do stay with us, Eliza. [He follows
Doolittle].

Eliza goes out on the balcony to avoid being alone with Higgins.
He rises and joins her there. She immediately comes back into the
room and makes for the door; but he goes along the balcony
quickly and gets his back to the door before she reaches it.

HIGGINS. Well, Eliza, you've had a bit of your own back, as you
call it. Have you had enough? and are you going to be reasonable?
Or do you want any more?

LIZA. You want me back only to pick up your slippers and put up
with your tempers and fetch and carry for you.

HIGGINS. I haven't said I wanted you back at all.

LIZA. Oh, indeed. Then what are we talking about?

HIGGINS. About you, not about me. If you come back I shall treat
you just as I have always treated you. I can't change my nature;
and I don't intend to change my manners. My manners are exactly
the same as Colonel Pickering's.

LIZA. That's not true. He treats a flower girl as if she was a
duchess.

HIGGINS. And I treat a duchess as if she was a flower girl.

LIZA. I see. [She turns away composedly, and sits on the ottoman,
facing the window]. The same to everybody.

HIGGINS. Just so.

LIZA. Like father.

HIGGINS [grinning, a little taken down] Without accepting the
comparison at all points, Eliza, it's quite true that your father
is not a snob, and that he will be quite at home in any station
of life to which his eccentric destiny may call him. [Seriously]
The great secret, Eliza, is not having bad manners or good
manners or any other particular sort of manners, but having the
same manner for all human souls: in short, behaving as if you
were in Heaven, where there are no third-class carriages, and one
soul is as good as another.

LIZA. Amen. You are a born preacher.

HIGGINS [irritated] The question is not whether I treat you
rudely, but whether you ever heard me treat anyone else better.

LIZA [with sudden sincerity] I don't care how you treat me. I
don't mind your swearing at me. I don't mind a black eye: I've
had one before this. But [standing up and facing him] I won't be
passed over.

HIGGINS. Then get out of my way; for I won't stop for you. You
talk about me as if I were a motor bus.

LIZA. So you are a motor bus: all bounce and go, and no
consideration for anyone. But I can do without you: don't think I
can't.

HIGGINS. I know you can. I told you you could.

LIZA [wounded, getting away from him to the other side of the
ottoman with her face to the hearth] I know you did, you brute.
You wanted to get rid of me.

HIGGINS. Liar.

LIZA. Thank you. [She sits down with dignity].

HIGGINS. You never asked yourself, I suppose, whether I could do
without YOU.

LIZA [earnestly] Don't you try to get round me. You'll HAVE to do
without me.

HIGGINS [arrogant] I can do without anybody. I have my own soul:
my own spark of divine fire. But [with sudden humility] I shall
miss you, Eliza. [He sits down near her on the ottoman]. I have
learnt something from your idiotic notions: I confess that humbly
and gratefully. And I have grown accustomed to your voice and
appearance. I like them, rather.

LIZA. Well, you have both of them on your gramophone and in your
book of photographs. When you feel lonely without me, you can
turn the machine on. It's got no feelings to hurt.

HIGGINS. I can't turn your soul on. Leave me those feelings; and
you can take away the voice and the face. They are not you.

LIZA. Oh, you ARE a devil. You can twist the heart in a girl as
easy as some could twist her arms to hurt her. Mrs. Pearce warned
me. Time and again she has wanted to leave you; and you always
got round her at the last minute. And you don't care a bit for
her. And you don't care a bit for me.

HIGGINS. I care for life, for humanity; and you are a part of it
that has come my way and been built into my house. What more can
you or anyone ask?

LIZA. I won't care for anybody that doesn't care for me.

HIGGINS. Commercial principles, Eliza. Like [reproducing her
Covent Garden pronunciation with professional exactness] s'yollin
voylets [selling violets], isn't it?

LIZA. Don't sneer at me. It's mean to sneer at me.

HIGGINS. I have never sneered in my life. Sneering doesn't become
either the human face or the human soul. I am expressing my
righteous contempt for Commercialism. I don't and won't trade in
affection. You call me a brute because you couldn't buy a claim
on me by fetching my slippers and finding my spectacles. You were
a fool: I think a woman fetching a man's slippers is a disgusting
sight: did I ever fetch YOUR slippers? I think a good deal more
of you for throwing them in my face. No use slaving for me and
then saying you want to be cared for: who cares for a slave? If
you come back, come back for the sake of good fellowship; for
you'll get nothing else. You've had a thousand times as much out
of me as I have out of you; and if you dare to set up your little
dog's tricks of fetching and carrying slippers against my
creation of a Duchess Eliza, I'll slam the door in your silly
face.

LIZA. What did you do it for if you didn't care for me?

HIGGINS [heartily] Why, because it was my job.

LIZA. You never thought of the trouble it would make for me.

HIGGINS. Would the world ever have been made if its maker had
been afraid of making trouble? Making life means making trouble.
There's only one way of escaping trouble; and that's killing
things. Cowards, you notice, are always shrieking to have
troublesome people killed.

LIZA. I'm no preacher: I don't notice things like that. I notice
that you don't notice me.

HIGGINS [jumping up and walking about intolerantly] Eliza: you're
an idiot. I waste the treasures of my Miltonic mind by spreading
them before you. Once for all, understand that I go my way and do
my work without caring twopence what happens to either of us. I am
not intimidated, like your father and your stepmother. So you can
come back or go to the devil: which you please.

LIZA. What am I to come back for?

HIGGINS [bouncing up on his knees on the ottoman and leaning over
it to her] For the fun of it. That's why I took you on.

LIZA [with averted face] And you may throw me out tomorrow if I
don't do everything you want me to?

HIGGINS. Yes; and you may walk out tomorrow if I don't do
everything YOU want me to.

LIZA. And live with my stepmother?

HIGGINS. Yes, or sell flowers.

LIZA. Oh! if I only COULD go back to my flower basket! I should
be independent of both you and father and all the world! Why did
you take my independence from me? Why did I give it up? I'm a
slave now, for all my fine clothes.

HIGGINS. Not a bit. I'll adopt you as my daughter and settle
money on you if you like. Or would you rather marry Pickering?

LIZA [looking fiercely round at him] I wouldn't marry YOU if you
asked me; and you're nearer my age than what he is.

HIGGINS [gently] Than he is: not "than what he is."

LIZA [losing her temper and rising] I'll talk as I like. You're
not my teacher now.

HIGGINS [reflectively] I don't suppose Pickering would, though.
He's as confirmed an old bachelor as I am.

LIZA. That's not what I want; and don't you think it. I've always
had chaps enough wanting me that way. Freddy Hill writes to me
twice and three times a day, sheets and sheets.

HIGGINS [disagreeably surprised] Damn his impudence! [He recoils
and finds himself sitting on his heels].

LIZA. He has a right to if he likes, poor lad. And he does love
me.

HIGGINS [getting off the ottoman] You have no right to encourage
him.

LIZA. Every girl has a right to be loved.

HIGGINS. What! By fools like that?

LIZA. Freddy's not a fool. And if he's weak and poor and wants
me, may be he'd make me happier than my betters that bully me and
don't want me.

HIGGINS. Can he MAKE anything of you? That's the point.

LIZA. Perhaps I could make something of him. But I never thought
of us making anything of one another; and you never think of
anything else. I only want to be natural.

HIGGINS. In short, you want me to be as infatuated about you as
Freddy? Is that it?

LIZA. No I don't. That's not the sort of feeling I want from you.
And don't you be too sure of yourself or of me. I could have been
a bad girl if I'd liked. I've seen more of some things than you,
for all your learning. Girls like me can drag gentlemen down to
make love to them easy enough. And they wish each other dead the
next minute.

HIGGINS. Of course they do. Then what in thunder are we
quarrelling about?

LIZA [much troubled] I want a little kindness. I know I'm a
common ignorant girl, and you a book-learned gentleman; but I'm
not dirt under your feet. What I done [correcting herself] what I
did was not for the dresses and the taxis: I did it because we
were pleasant together and I come--came--to care for you; not to
want you to make love to me, and not forgetting the difference
between us, but more friendly like.

HIGGINS. Well, of course. That's just how I feel. And how
Pickering feels. Eliza: you're a fool.

LIZA. That's not a proper answer to give me [she sinks on the
chair at the writing-table in tears].

HIGGINS. It's all you'll get until you stop being a common idiot.
If you're going to be a lady, you'll have to give up feeling
neglected if the men you know don't spend half their time
snivelling over you and the other half giving you black eyes. If
you can't stand the coldness of my sort of life, and the strain
of it, go back to the gutter. Work til you are more a brute than
a human being; and then cuddle and squabble and drink til you
fall asleep. Oh, it's a fine life, the life of the gutter. It's
real: it's warm: it's violent: you can feel it through the
thickest skin: you can taste it and smell it without any training
or any work. Not like Science and Literature and Classical Music
and Philosophy and Art. You find me cold, unfeeling, selfish,
don't you? Very well: be off with you to the sort of people you
like. Marry some sentimental hog or other with lots of money, and
a thick pair of lips to kiss you with and a thick pair of boots
to kick you with. If you can't appreciate what you've got, you'd
better get what you can appreciate.

LIZA [desperate] Oh, you are a cruel tyrant. I can't talk to you:
you turn everything against me: I'm always in the wrong. But you
know very well all the time that you're nothing but a bully. You
know I can't go back to the gutter, as you call it, and that I
have no real friends in the world but you and the Colonel. You
know well I couldn't bear to live with a low common man after you
two; and it's wicked and cruel of you to insult me by pretending
I could. You think I must go back to Wimpole Street because I
have nowhere else to go but father's. But don't you be too sure
that you have me under your feet to be trampled on and talked
down. I'll marry Freddy, I will, as soon as he's able to support
me.

HIGGINS [sitting down beside her] Rubbish! you shall marry an
ambassador. You shall marry the Governor-General of India or the
Lord-Lieutenant of Ireland, or somebody who wants a deputy-queen.
I'm not going to have my masterpiece thrown away on Freddy.

LIZA. You think I like you to say that. But I haven't forgot what
you said a minute ago; and I won't be coaxed round as if I was a
baby or a puppy. If I can't have kindness, I'll have
independence.

HIGGINS. Independence? That's middle class blasphemy. We are all
dependent on one another, every soul of us on earth.

LIZA [rising determinedly] I'll let you see whether I'm dependent
on you. If you can preach, I can teach. I'll go and be a teacher.

HIGGINS. What'll you teach, in heaven's name?

LIZA. What you taught me. I'll teach phonetics.

HIGGINS. Ha! Ha! Ha!

LIZA. I'll offer myself as an assistant to Professor Nepean.

HIGGINS [rising in a fury] What! That impostor! that humbug! that
toadying ignoramus! Teach him my methods! my discoveries! You
take one step in his direction and I'll wring your neck. [He lays
hands on her]. Do you hear?

LIZA [defiantly non-resistant] Wring away. What do I care? I knew
you'd strike me some day. [He lets her go, stamping with rage at
having forgotten himself, and recoils so hastily that he stumbles
back into his seat on the ottoman]. Aha! Now I know how to deal
with you. What a fool I was not to think of it before! You can't
take away the knowledge you gave me. You said I had a finer ear
than you. And I can be civil and kind to people, which is more
than you can. Aha! That's done you, Henry Higgins, it has. Now I
don't care that [snapping her fingers] for your bullying and your
big talk. I'll advertize it in the papers that your duchess is
only a flower girl that you taught, and that she'll teach anybody
to be a duchess just the same in six months for a thousand
guineas. Oh, when I think of myself crawling under your feet and
being trampled on and called names, when all the time I had only
to lift up my finger to be as good as you, I could just kick
myself.

HIGGINS [wondering at her] You damned impudent slut, you! But
it's better than snivelling; better than fetching slippers and
finding spectacles, isn't it? [Rising] By George, Eliza, I said
I'd make a woman of you; and I have. I like you like this.

LIZA. Yes: you turn round and make up to me now that I'm not
afraid of you, and can do without you.

HIGGINS. Of course I do, you little fool. Five minutes ago you
were like a millstone round my neck. Now you're a tower of
strength: a consort battleship. You and I and Pickering will be
three old bachelors together instead of only two men and a silly
girl.

Mrs. Higgins returns, dressed for the wedding. Eliza instantly
becomes cool and elegant.

MRS. HIGGINS. The carriage is waiting, Eliza. Are you ready?

LIZA. Quite. Is the Professor coming?

MRS. HIGGINS. Certainly not. He can't behave himself in church.
He makes remarks out loud all the time on the clergyman's
pronunciation.

LIZA. Then I shall not see you again, Professor. Good bye. [She
goes to the door].

MRS. HIGGINS [coming to Higgins] Good-bye, dear.

HIGGINS. Good-bye, mother. [He is about to kiss her, when he
recollects something]. Oh, by the way, Eliza, order a ham and a
Stilton cheese, will you? And buy me a pair of reindeer gloves,
number eights, and a tie to match that new suit of mine, at Eale
& Binman's. You can choose the color. [His cheerful, careless,
vigorous voice shows that he is incorrigible].

LIZA [disdainfully] Buy them yourself. [She sweeps out].

MRS. HIGGINS. I'm afraid you've spoiled that girl, Henry. But
never mind, dear: I'll buy you the tie and gloves.

HIGGINS [sunnily] Oh, don't bother. She'll buy em all right
enough. Good-bye.

They kiss. Mrs. Higgins runs out. Higgins, left alone, rattles
his cash in his pocket; chuckles; and disports himself in a
highly self-satisfied manner.

                    ***********************

The rest of the story need not be shown in action, and indeed,
would hardly need telling if our imaginations were not so
enfeebled by their lazy dependence on the ready-makes and
reach-me-downs of the ragshop in which Romance keeps its stock of
"happy endings" to misfit all stories. Now, the history of Eliza
Doolittle, though called a romance because of the transfiguration
it records seems exceedingly improbable, is common enough. Such
transfigurations have been achieved by hundreds of resolutely
ambitious young women since Nell Gwynne set them the example by
playing queens and fascinating kings in the theatre in which she
began by selling oranges. Nevertheless, people in all directions
have assumed, for no other reason than that she became the
heroine of a romance, that she must have married the hero of it.
This is unbearable, not only because her little drama, if acted
on such a thoughtless assumption, must be spoiled, but because
the true sequel is patent to anyone with a sense of human nature
in general, and of feminine instinct in particular.

Eliza, in telling Higgins she would not marry him if he asked
her, was not coquetting: she was announcing a well-considered
decision. When a bachelor interests, and dominates, and teaches,
and becomes important to a spinster, as Higgins with Eliza, she
always, if she has character enough to be capable of it,
considers very seriously indeed whether she will play for
becoming that bachelor's wife, especially if he is so little
interested in marriage that a determined and devoted woman might
capture him if she set herself resolutely to do it. Her decision
will depend a good deal on whether she is really free to choose;
and that, again, will depend on her age and income. If she is at
the end of her youth, and has no security for her livelihood, she
will marry him because she must marry anybody who will provide
for her. But at Eliza's age a good-looking girl does not feel
that pressure; she feels free to pick and choose. She is
therefore guided by her instinct in the matter. Eliza's instinct
tells her not to marry Higgins. It does not tell her to give him
up. It is not in the slightest doubt as to his remaining one of
the strongest personal interests in her life. It would be very
sorely strained if there was another woman likely to supplant her
with him. But as she feels sure of him on that last point, she
has no doubt at all as to her course, and would not have any,
even if the difference of twenty years in age, which seems so
great to youth, did not exist between them.

As our own instincts are not appealed to by her conclusion, let
us see whether we cannot discover some reason in it. When Higgins
excused his indifference to young women on the ground that they
had an irresistible rival in his mother, he gave the clue to his
inveterate old-bachelordom. The case is uncommon only to the
extent that remarkable mothers are uncommon. If an imaginative
boy has a sufficiently rich mother who has intelligence, personal
grace, dignity of character without harshness, and a cultivated
sense of the best art of her time to enable her to make her house
beautiful, she sets a  standard for him against which very few
women can struggle, besides effecting for him a disengagement of
his affections, his sense of beauty, and his idealism from his
specifically sexual impulses. This makes him a standing puzzle to
the huge number of uncultivated people who have been brought up
in tasteless homes by commonplace or disagreeable parents, and to
whom, consequently, literature, painting, sculpture, music, and
affectionate personal relations come as modes of sex if they come
at all. The word passion means nothing else to them; and that
Higgins could have a passion for phonetics and idealize his
mother instead of Eliza, would seem to them absurd and unnatural.
Nevertheless, when we look round and see that hardly anyone is
too ugly or disagreeable to find a wife or a husband if he or she
wants one, whilst many old maids and bachelors are above the
average in quality and culture, we cannot help suspecting that
the disentanglement of sex from the associations with which it is
so commonly confused, a disentanglement which persons of genius
achieve by sheer intellectual analysis, is sometimes produced or
aided by parental fascination.

Now, though Eliza was incapable of thus explaining to herself
Higgins's formidable powers of resistance to the charm that
prostrated Freddy at the first glance, she was instinctively
aware that she could never obtain a complete grip of him, or come
between him and his mother (the first necessity of the married
woman). To put it shortly, she knew that for some mysterious
reason he had not the makings of a married man in him, according
to her conception of a husband as one to whom she would be his
nearest and fondest and warmest interest. Even had there been no
mother-rival, she would still have refused to accept an interest
in herself that was secondary to philosophic interests. Had Mrs.
Higgins died, there would still have been Milton and the
Universal Alphabet. Landor's remark that to those who have the
greatest power of loving, love is a secondary affair, would not
have recommended Landor to Eliza. Put that along with her
resentment of Higgins's domineering superiority, and her mistrust
of his coaxing cleverness in getting round her and evading her
wrath when he had gone too far with his impetuous bullying, and
you will see that Eliza's instinct had good grounds for warning
her not to marry her Pygmalion.

And now, whom did Eliza marry? For if Higgins was a predestinate
old bachelor, she was most certainly not a predestinate old maid.
Well, that can be told very shortly to those who have not guessed
it from the indications she has herself given them.

Almost immediately after Eliza is stung into proclaiming her
considered determination not to marry Higgins, she mentions the
fact that young Mr. Frederick Eynsford Hill is pouring out his
love for her daily through the post. Now Freddy is young,
practically twenty years younger than Higgins: he is a gentleman
(or, as Eliza would qualify him, a toff), and speaks like one; he
is nicely dressed, is treated by the Colonel as an equal, loves
her unaffectedly, and is not her master, nor ever likely to
dominate her in spite of his advantage of social standing. Eliza
has no use for the foolish romantic tradition that all women love
to be mastered, if not actually bullied and beaten. "When you go
to women," says Nietzsche, "take your whip with you." Sensible
despots have never confined that precaution to women: they have
taken their whips with them when they have dealt with men, and
been slavishly idealized by the men over whom they have
flourished the whip much more than by women. No doubt there are
slavish women as well as slavish men; and women, like men, admire
those that are stronger than themselves. But to admire a strong
person and to live under that strong person's thumb are two
different things. The weak may not be admired and
hero-worshipped; but they are by no means disliked or shunned;
and they never seem to have the least difficulty in marrying
people who are too good for them. They may fail in emergencies;
but life is not one long emergency: it is mostly a string of
situations for which no exceptional strength is needed, and with
which even rather weak people can cope if they have a stronger
partner to help them out. Accordingly, it is a truth everywhere
in evidence that strong people, masculine or feminine, not only
do not marry stronger people, but do not show any preference for
them in selecting their friends. When a lion meets another with a
louder roar "the first lion thinks the last a bore." The man or
woman who feels strong enough for two, seeks for every other
quality in a partner than strength.

The converse is also true. Weak people want to marry strong
people who do not frighten them too much; and this often leads
them to make the mistake we describe metaphorically as "biting
off more than they can chew." They want too much for too little;
and when the bargain is unreasonable beyond all bearing, the
union becomes impossible: it ends in the weaker party being
either discarded or borne as a cross, which is worse. People who
are not only weak, but silly or obtuse as well, are often in
these difficulties.

This being the state of human affairs, what is Eliza fairly sure
to do when she is placed between Freddy and Higgins? Will she
look forward to a lifetime of fetching Higgins's slippers or to a
lifetime of Freddy fetching hers? There can be no doubt about the
answer. Unless Freddy is biologically repulsive to her, and
Higgins biologically attractive to a degree that overwhelms all
her other instincts, she will, if she marries either of them,
marry Freddy.

And that is just what Eliza did.

Complications ensued; but they were economic, not romantic.
Freddy had no money and no occupation. His mother's jointure, a
last relic of the opulence of Largelady Park, had enabled her to
struggle along in Earlscourt with an air of gentility, but not to
procure any serious secondary education for her children, much
less give the boy a profession. A clerkship at thirty shillings a
week was beneath Freddy's dignity, and extremely distasteful to
him besides. His prospects consisted of a hope that if he kept up
appearances somebody would do something for him. The something
appeared vaguely to his imagination as a private secretaryship or
a sinecure of some sort. To his mother it perhaps appeared as a
marriage to some lady of means who could not resist her boy's
niceness. Fancy her feelings when he married a flower girl who
had become declassee under extraordinary circumstances which were
now notorious!

It is true that Eliza's situation did not seem wholly ineligible.
Her father, though formerly a dustman, and now fantastically
disclassed, had become extremely popular in the smartest society
by a social talent which triumphed over every prejudice and every
disadvantage. Rejected by the middle class, which he loathed, he
had shot up at once into the highest circles by his wit, his
dustmanship (which he carried like a banner), and his Nietzschean
transcendence of good and evil. At intimate ducal dinners he sat
on the right hand of the Duchess; and in country houses he smoked
in the pantry and was made much of by the butler when he was not
feeding in the dining-room and being consulted by cabinet
ministers. But he found it almost as hard to do all this on four
thousand a year as Mrs. Eynsford Hill to live in Earlscourt on an
income so pitiably smaller that I have not the heart to disclose
its exact figure. He absolutely refused to add the last straw to
his burden by contributing to Eliza's support.

Thus Freddy and Eliza, now Mr. and Mrs. Eynsford Hill, would have
spent a penniless honeymoon but for a wedding present of 500
pounds from the Colonel to Eliza. It lasted a long time because
Freddy did not know how to spend money, never having had any to
spend, and Eliza, socially trained by a pair of old bachelors,
wore her clothes as long as they held together and looked pretty,
without the least regard to their being many months out of
fashion. Still, 500 pounds will not last two young people for
ever; and they both knew, and Eliza felt as well, that they must
shift for themselves in the end. She could quarter herself on
Wimpole Street because it had come to be her home; but she was
quite aware that she ought not to quarter Freddy there, and that
it would not be good for his character if she did.

Not that the Wimpole Street bachelors objected. When she
consulted them, Higgins declined to be bothered about her housing
problem when that solution was so simple. Eliza's desire to have
Freddy in the house with her seemed of no more importance than if
she had wanted an extra piece of bedroom furniture. Pleas as to
Freddy's character, and the moral obligation on him to earn his
own living, were lost on Higgins. He denied that Freddy had any
character, and declared that if he tried to do any useful work
some competent person would have the trouble of undoing it: a
procedure involving a net loss to the community, and great
unhappiness to Freddy himself, who was obviously intended by
Nature for such light work as amusing Eliza, which, Higgins
declared, was a much more useful and honorable occupation than
working in the city. When Eliza referred again to her project of
teaching phonetics, Higgins abated not a jot of his violent
opposition to it. He said she was not within ten years of being
qualified to meddle with his pet subject; and as it was evident
that the Colonel agreed with him, she felt she could not go
against them in this grave matter, and that she had no right,
without Higgins's consent, to exploit the knowledge he had given
her; for his knowledge seemed to her as much his private property
as his watch: Eliza was no communist. Besides, she was
superstitiously devoted to them both, more entirely and frankly
after her marriage than before it.

It was the Colonel who finally solved the problem, which had cost
him much perplexed cogitation. He one day asked Eliza, rather
shyly, whether she had quite given up her notion of keeping a
flower shop. She replied that she had thought of it, but had put
it out of her head, because the Colonel had said, that day at
Mrs. Higgins's, that it would never do. The Colonel confessed
that when he said that, he had not quite recovered from the
dazzling impression of the day before. They broke the matter to
Higgins that evening. The sole comment vouchsafed by him very
nearly led to a serious quarrel with Eliza. It was to the effect
that she would have in Freddy an ideal errand boy.

Freddy himself was next sounded on the subject. He said he had
been thinking of a shop himself; though it had presented itself
to his pennilessness as a small place in which Eliza should sell
tobacco at one counter whilst he sold newspapers at the opposite
one. But he agreed that it would be extraordinarily jolly to go
early every morning with Eliza to Covent Garden and buy flowers
on the scene of their first meeting: a sentiment which earned him
many kisses from his wife. He added that he had always been
afraid to propose anything of the sort, because Clara would make
an awful row about a step that must damage her matrimonial
chances, and his mother could not be expected to like it after
clinging for so many years to that step of the social ladder on
which retail trade is impossible.

This difficulty was removed by an event highly unexpected by
Freddy's mother. Clara, in the course of her incursions into
those artistic circles which were the highest within her reach,
discovered that her conversational qualifications were expected
to include a grounding in the novels of Mr. H.G. Wells. She
borrowed them in various directions so energetically that she
swallowed them all within two months. The result was a conversion
of a kind quite common today. A modern Acts of the Apostles would
fill fifty whole Bibles if anyone were capable of writing it.

Poor Clara, who appeared to Higgins and his mother as a
disagreeable and ridiculous person, and to her own mother as in
some inexplicable way a social failure, had never seen herself in
either light; for, though to some extent ridiculed and mimicked
in West Kensington like everybody else there, she was accepted as
a rational and normal--or shall we say inevitable?--sort of human
being. At worst they called her The Pusher; but to them no more
than to herself had it ever occurred that she was pushing the
air, and pushing it in a wrong direction. Still, she was not
happy. She was growing desperate. Her one asset, the fact that
her mother was what the Epsom greengrocer called a carriage lady
had no exchange value, apparently. It had prevented her from
getting educated, because the only education she could have
afforded was education with the Earlscourt green grocer's
daughter. It had led her to seek the society of her mother's
class; and that class simply would not have her, because she was
much poorer than the greengrocer, and, far from being able to
afford a maid, could not afford even a housemaid, and had to
scrape along at home with an illiberally treated general servant.
Under such circumstances nothing could give her an air of being a
genuine product of Largelady Park. And yet its tradition made her
regard a marriage with anyone within her reach as an unbearable
humiliation. Commercial people and professional people in a small
way were odious to her. She ran after painters and novelists; but
she did not charm them; and her bold attempts to pick up and
practise artistic and literary talk irritated them. She was, in
short, an utter failure, an ignorant, incompetent, pretentious,
unwelcome, penniless, useless little snob; and though she did not
admit these disqualifications (for nobody ever faces unpleasant
truths of this kind until the possibility of a way out dawns on
them) she felt their effects too keenly to be satisfied with her
position.

Clara had a startling eyeopener when, on being suddenly wakened
to enthusiasm by a girl of her own age who dazzled her and
produced in her a gushing desire to take her for a model, and
gain her friendship, she discovered that this exquisite
apparition had graduated from the gutter in a few months' time.
It shook her so violently, that when Mr. H. G. Wells lifted her
on the point of his puissant pen, and placed her at the angle of
view from which the life she was leading and the society to which
she clung appeared in its true relation to real human needs and
worthy social structure, he effected a conversion and a
conviction of sin comparable to the most sensational feats of
General Booth or Gypsy Smith. Clara's snobbery went bang. Life
suddenly began to move with her. Without knowing how or why, she
began to make friends and enemies. Some of the acquaintances to
whom she had been a tedious or indifferent or ridiculous
affliction, dropped her: others became cordial. To her amazement
she found that some "quite nice" people were saturated with
Wells, and that this accessibility to ideas was the secret of
their niceness. People she had thought deeply religious, and had
tried to conciliate on that tack with disastrous results,
suddenly took an interest in her, and revealed a hostility to
conventional religion which she had never conceived possible
except among the most desperate characters. They made her read
Galsworthy; and Galsworthy exposed the vanity of Largelady Park
and finished her. It exasperated her to think that the dungeon in
which she had languished for so many unhappy years had been
unlocked all the time, and that the impulses she had so carefully
struggled with and stifled for the sake of keeping well with
society, were precisely those by which alone she could have come
into any sort of sincere human contact. In the radiance of these
discoveries, and the tumult of their reaction, she made a fool of
herself as freely and conspicuously as when she so rashly adopted
Eliza's expletive in Mrs. Higgins's drawing-room; for the
new-born Wellsian had to find her bearings almost as ridiculously
as a baby; but nobody hates a baby for its ineptitudes, or thinks
the worse of it for trying to eat the matches; and Clara lost no
friends by her follies. They laughed at her to her face this
time; and she had to defend herself and fight it out as best she
could.

When Freddy paid a visit to Earlscourt (which he never did when
he could possibly help it) to make the desolating announcement
that he and his Eliza were thinking of blackening the Largelady
scutcheon by opening a shop, he found the little household
already convulsed by a prior announcement from Clara that she
also was going to work in an old furniture shop in Dover Street,
which had been started by a fellow Wellsian. This appointment
Clara owed, after all, to her old social accomplishment of Push.
She had made up her mind that, cost what it might, she would see
Mr. Wells in the flesh; and she had achieved her end at a garden
party. She had better luck than so rash an enterprise deserved.
Mr. Wells came up to her expectations. Age had not withered him,
nor could custom stale his infinite variety in half an hour. His
pleasant neatness and compactness, his small hands and feet, his
teeming ready brain, his unaffected accessibility, and a certain
fine apprehensiveness which stamped him as susceptible from his
topmost hair to his tipmost toe, proved irresistible. Clara
talked of nothing else for weeks and weeks afterwards. And as she
happened to talk to the lady of the furniture shop, and that lady
also desired above all things to know Mr. Wells and sell pretty
things to him, she offered Clara a job on the chance of achieving
that end through her.

And so it came about that Eliza's luck held, and the expected
opposition to the flower shop melted away. The shop is in the
arcade of a railway station not very far from the Victoria and
Albert Museum; and if you live in that neighborhood you may go
there any day and buy a buttonhole from Eliza.

Now here is a last opportunity for romance. Would you not like to
be assured that the shop was an immense success, thanks to
Eliza's charms and her early business experience in Covent
Garden? Alas! the truth is the truth: the shop did not pay for a
long time, simply because Eliza and her Freddy did not know how
to keep it. True, Eliza had not to begin at the very beginning:
she knew the names and prices of the cheaper flowers; and her
elation was unbounded when she found that Freddy, like all youths
educated at cheap, pretentious, and thoroughly inefficient
schools, knew a little Latin. It was very little, but enough to
make him appear to her a Porson or Bentley, and to put him at his
ease with botanical nomenclature. Unfortunately he knew nothing
else; and Eliza, though she could count money up to eighteen
shillings or so, and had acquired a certain familiarity with the
language of Milton from her struggles to qualify herself for
winning Higgins's bet, could not write out a bill without utterly
disgracing the establishment. Freddy's power of stating in Latin
that Balbus built a wall and that Gaul was divided into three
parts did not carry with it the slightest knowledge of accounts
or business: Colonel Pickering had to explain to him what a
cheque book and a bank account meant. And the pair were by no
means easily teachable. Freddy backed up Eliza in her obstinate
refusal to believe that they could save money by engaging a
bookkeeper with some knowledge of the business. How, they argued,
could you possibly save money by going to extra expense when you
already could not make both ends meet? But the Colonel, after
making the ends meet over and over again, at last gently
insisted; and Eliza, humbled to the dust by having to beg from
him so often, and stung by the uproarious derision of Higgins, to
whom the notion of Freddy succeeding at anything was a joke that
never palled, grasped the fact that business, like phonetics, has
to be learned.

On the piteous spectacle of the pair spending their evenings in
shorthand schools and polytechnic classes, learning bookkeeping
and typewriting with incipient junior clerks, male and female,
from the elementary schools, let me not dwell. There were even
classes at the London School of Economics, and a humble personal
appeal to the director of that institution to recommend a course
bearing on the flower business. He, being a humorist, explained
to them the method of the celebrated Dickensian essay on Chinese
Metaphysics by the gentleman who read an article on China and an
article on Metaphysics and combined the information. He suggested
that they should combine the London School with Kew Gardens.
Eliza, to whom the procedure of the Dickensian gentleman seemed
perfectly correct (as in fact it was) and not in the least funny
(which was only her ignorance) took his advice with entire
gravity. But the effort that cost her the deepest humiliation was
a request to Higgins, whose pet artistic fancy, next to Milton's
verse, was calligraphy, and who himself wrote a most beautiful
Italian hand, that he would teach her to write. He declared that
she was congenitally incapable of forming a single letter worthy
of the least of Milton's words; but she persisted; and again he
suddenly threw himself into the task of teaching her with a
combination of stormy intensity, concentrated patience, and
occasional bursts of interesting disquisition on the beauty and
nobility, the august mission and destiny, of human handwriting.
Eliza ended by acquiring an extremely uncommercial script which
was a positive extension of her personal beauty, and spending
three times as much on stationery as anyone else because certain
qualities and shapes of paper became indispensable to her. She
could not even address an envelope in the usual way because it
made the margins all wrong.

Their commercial school days were a period of disgrace and
despair for the young couple. They seemed to be learning nothing
about flower shops. At last they gave it up as hopeless, and
shook the dust of the shorthand schools, and the polytechnics,
and the London School of Economics from their feet for ever.
Besides, the business was in some mysterious way beginning to
take care of itself. They had somehow forgotten their objections
to employing other people. They came to the conclusion that their
own way was the best, and that they had really a remarkable
talent for business. The Colonel, who had been compelled for some
years to keep a sufficient sum on current account at his bankers
to make up their deficits, found that the provision was
unnecessary: the young people were prospering. It is true that
there was not quite fair play between them and their competitors
in trade. Their week-ends in the country cost them nothing, and
saved them the price of their Sunday dinners; for the motor car
was the Colonel's; and he and Higgins paid the hotel bills. Mr.
F. Hill, florist and greengrocer (they soon discovered that there
was money in asparagus; and asparagus led to other vegetables),
had an air which stamped the business as classy; and in private
life he was still Frederick Eynsford Hill, Esquire. Not that
there was any swank about him: nobody but Eliza knew that he had
been christened Frederick Challoner. Eliza herself swanked like
anything.

That is all. That is how it has turned out. It is astonishing how
much Eliza still manages to meddle in the housekeeping at Wimpole
Street in spite of the shop and her own family. And it is notable
that though she never nags her husband, and frankly loves the
Colonel as if she were his favorite daughter, she has never got
out of the habit of nagging Higgins that was established on the
fatal night when she won his bet for him. She snaps his head off
on the faintest provocation, or on none. He no longer dares to
tease her by assuming an abysmal inferiority of Freddy's mind to
his own. He storms and bullies and derides; but she stands up to
him so ruthlessly that the Colonel has to ask her from time to
time to be kinder to Higgins; and it is the only request of his
that brings a mulish expression into her face. Nothing but some
emergency or calamity great enough to break down all likes and
dislikes, and throw them both back on their common humanity--and
may they be spared any such trial!--will ever alter this. She
knows that Higgins does not need her, just as her father did not
need her. The very scrupulousness with which he told her that day
that he had become used to having her there, and dependent on her
for all sorts of little services, and that he should miss her if
she went away (it would never have occurred to Freddy or the
Colonel to say anything of the sort) deepens her inner certainty
that she is "no more to him than them slippers", yet she has a
sense, too, that his indifference is deeper than the infatuation
of commoner souls. She is immensely interested in him. She has
even secret mischievous moments in which she wishes she could get
him alone, on a desert island, away from all ties and with nobody
else in the world to consider, and just drag him off his pedestal
and see him making love like any common man. We all have private
imaginations of that sort. But when it comes to business, to the
life that she really leads as distinguished from the life of
dreams and fancies, she likes Freddy and she likes the Colonel;
and she does not like Higgins and Mr. Doolittle. Galatea never
does quite like Pygmalion: his relation to her is too godlike to
be altogether agreeable.



THE END





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